I'm at that point in the process of adjusting to a new medication that I'm starting to get my feet under me again. I'm grouchy and stressed out because I can't do my usual things (or I don't remember doing them and feel like I still have to do them). And I'm still dealing with the exhaustion that comes with this one. It's improving, but feeling like I have to take a nap every day or go to bed early sucks. I don't get much alone time if I am not up in the morning and going during the school day because the kids are ALWAYS there.
Just a few minutes ago, I had the audacity to go use the bathroom and my youngest was wandering around shouting for me. Earlier, my eldest followed me to the bathroom talking about the box-fort firehouse he wants to build just like the one he saw on a Youtube video. He literally stood outside the door talking at me until I called out that I wanted to go potty in peace. Then he walked off, trying to talk to his brother who was on the complete other side of the apartment and couldn't hear him. This is just an everyday thing.
But, taking a two hour nap in the morning this morning robbed me of writing time. I spent my whole afternoon working on finances (and I got about half of the stuff I planned to do there done). When I wasn't doing that, I was doing dishes so that I could make dinner. And managing the kids. Here it is, almost 7 in the evening, I wish Beloved was home. I just want to have another grown adult to talk to about something other than plans to build stuff this summer, facts about the Titanic, firetrucks, or yard work equipment.
Tomorrow, we go see the folks at the autism center. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be the only one whose meds will be changed this month. My eldest has the moodiness and attitude that has Beloved and I convinced he is hitting the leading edge of puberty. And the youngest keeps having more attention problems and he is eating less. I don't know how any of this is going to change with the medications or honestly how to cope with it.
I'm exhausted from constantly trying to stay one step ahead of them. I have to out plan and out maneuver them on a regular basis to keep them safe. My youngest still has days where he tries to climb the unsecured bookcases. I worry about them getting into medications and thinking they are candy. I tell them they can't get into these things and they should only have them when we give it to them. But they are getting to that age that they're going to have the manual dexterity and possible inclination to get into those child safe bottles. And that terrifies me.
I've done my best to keep them unaware of the existence of the Tide Pod challenge because they'd try it. Just because they would think it was a thing that they were supposed to do. It is part of the reason why the Tide Pod challenge makes me so angry. I'll rant about that later. But, right now, I'm afraid for the safety of my kids because they're starting to get into things again. The youngest really, really wants to clean things like I do. He's taken to trying to clean the bathroom mirror. Kinda sweet, kinda cute, and kinda terrifying because he doesn't know what bottle is the cleaner or to clear all the stuff that goes in our mouths off of the counter top before cleaning. I'm seriously thinking about getting those child locks for the door of the cupboard. Or, if it fits through the fancy loop on the double door opening, a padlock.
I don't know what to do, but it has to be something. Because I want to keep them safe. My anxiety is pretty well justified on this front. It is exhausting. I'm always listening and looking out for trouble. I strive to give my boys their independence. At the same time, they've got developmental delays that put them a bit behind their peers. As such, my 3rd grader is in many ways like a kindergarten student. So, I have to keep close tabs on him. And my 5th grader is about a year behind in other ways.
Most of my friends are childless. The number of friends who have kids on the autism spectrum is fairly small. We try to be supportive of each other as much as Facebook and my social phobia allows. But it is hard because they're all over the map (quite literally) and only a few are local. It is hard to talk about this stuff because so many people say 'oh, I know!' when they really don't know. Yeah, my kids have fears of the dark like others their age. But the loud gurgling of our fucked up bathroom sink, the noise of the hot air hand dryers, and loud stuff like thunder and fireworks are going to be terrifying to the boys too.
Most kids may jump a bit and then be ok. Hell, a lot of kids get excited by loud noises. Mine have sound sensitivities that makes them have difficulty with a lot of things. I think the only reason why we didn't have meltdowns to deal with in the firetruck rides was because the obsession with firetrucks overpowers the sound sensitivity to some extent. (Every chance they get to visit the fire station, climb in a fire truck, and hang out with the firefighters, they jump for. They love those people. Hence part of the reason why they want to build a box-fort firehouse.)
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