Monday, October 07, 2013

Random thoughts.

This blog post a day thing just isn't working out right now. It makes me dread next month a bit. I suppose I have some good reasons for not posting everyday. Things like a wedding and not having the time to post this weekend are logical reasons. I am working to be forgiving of myself, though it feels counter intuitive.

I had some odd dreams this morning when I took my nap. I dreamed that I was back at college. All of the anxieties of living in a strange place, surrounded by unfamiliar people, and of being truly on my own for the first time came roaring back in that dream. I think I owe Njord's Darling something of an apology. Intellectually, I recalled this difficulty but the reality of it was blurred by the past. I think I painted too easy of a picture of how one makes friends in a new environment, I fear.

And then there is the awkward feeling/push to mend fences with A. I look at it all and I honestly feel a mixed sense of mortification, frustration, and something that I can't exactly define. I'm realizing that my friendship with A. was a casualty of the depressive episode that I was in this summer. I am also realizing that it was a measure of cowardice that I didn't say something to A. about what was troubling me.

I'm inwardly flailing over how to approach the whole thing. A part of me says I should hold my silence because it just was a terrible thing that I did and that there is no good reason to expect that she would be willing to deal with me again. On the whole, I haven't any idea how to proceed. I'm stuck in this place where I am wavering between doing something and not. It's awful.

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