Restless thoughts.

Sometimes, when everything is quiet, I feel unsettled. Sometimes, it's as though there are things inside my head vying to get out, but writing and artistic efforts never are quite enough. It once was that writing helped and I could just pour this all out on the page. It did work at one point in time, and the lives that I lived inside my head just were translated to written word and didn't seem to cause so much pressure.

I was happier when I was younger, in some ways, because I didn't censor it. I didn't struggle to keep it all inside and make it still. Daydreams weren't exactly a bad thing, even if I was trying to get things done. It was acceptable for me to have flights of fancy, because I was a child. It made it easier to cope with the disparate things that were inside my mind. Stories that I wrote were just wearing a different mask and putting the things attached to it down on paper.

Recently, I thought... I thought that it would be terrifying if I were to have been laboring under the effects of MPD for all these years with out any diagnosis. All those things I kept quiet and bottled up inside me as best I could. Those thoughts that ranged from contemplating murders to actually seeing myself in a different place, a different life. I kept those things quiet and inside my head unless I expressed them on paper. Then, as I began to learn about MPD, I discovered that really wasn't my situation.

It could perhaps work, in some fashion or way, to expunge the build up of tension and stress in me to do so, but I would lose something in the process. I'll deal with the whispers inside my head until I need to experience a splitting or a break like that. I came close to needing it, but I managed to pull thru without it some how. I don't know where I am on the path of owning and mastering myself, but I don't believe that allowing myself to shatter like that will serve me well.

For some people, such a sundering of themselves works quite well. They find it to be a source of empowerment and liberation. I believe that I need to find my empowerment and liberation elsewhere. Until I am at a place where I don't wake up in the morning afraid that all that is good in my life is either a lie or going to be swept away by a capricious and sadistic act of God, I will continue with my mantra regarding pain.

• What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
• Thru pain, I am purified.
• I am stronger then fear, misery, or pain.
• My will shall prove greater then any emotion that comes over me.

Sure, this isn't exactly comforting and it's hard as hell to remember. It is, however, what I have learned thru my life thus far.