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Thursday, October 26, 2006

An Apology to some of you.

In my recent ramblings, I stated that I have no one I can speak to.

That is not entirely true.

I feel very guilty for speaking with some individuals who have been extremely supportive of me because I feel that I am placing far too much of a burden upon them and that I have no right to do so. Stargazer worries over me far more then I think she will ever be wiling to admit. And Kat, I know you do the same. I try to avoid making Kate worry, though I fail regularly at it because I think she' worries as much as I do.

And then... then there is my husband.


Darling, I know you speak to me often about my anxieties and problems. I'm not going to say that you don't. I think you probably have to deal with my problems the most.

Guilt is a rather shallow word for how I feel about dropping all of these things into your lap. I know how many things you have to worry about and deal with everyday, or at least I have something of a concept of it all. To add to it... well... it makes me feel like a horrible person.

I owe all of you who have been supportive of me an apology. I discredited all of your loving support and efforts to help me. That was wrong of me.

I recognize that I am a fool for feeling the way I do. It's very difficult for me to admit that it is ok for me to get help with my problems. It's even more difficult for me to let the people I love help me because I feel that it is wrong for me to make your lives harder. I don't feel I have the right to make your lives miserible. I feel that going to you in the midst of my huge problems, that aren't really so earth shattering, is wrong because I make you worry for me, I often tax your patience, and can get rather aggrivating with my whining about the same damn problems over again.

I'm not entirely sure what to do about this. I know all of you have been trying for years to convince me that I'm not bad for doing this. I know that you all love me. I know that you all support me and are doing your best to help me when I tell you that there is something wrong.

I just don't know how to get past my anxiety to do so.

I know that I have hurt you all at times in my madness. I know that I have sorrowed you all at times in my grief and that I have even angered you when I get like this. I know that I'll probably do it again, entirely with out meaning to.

And I apologize for it.

I haven't anything else to say, not excuse or anything more. I know it is wrong of me to do so and I am deeply sorry for the pain and distress it may have caused, has caused, and will probably be causing in the future.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Apology accepted, babe.

No sense in beating yourself up over it. At times, especially at night, when all of your worries are looming over you like some kind of anxiety-fed juggernaut, it certainly can leave you feeling like you're alone.