You may be looking at the post immediately before this one and going 'wtf?' As I was washing dishes, the memory of A- cornering me hit me like a freight train. It's been a while since I have had a flashback like that. Most of them lately have been emotional. But not that one, nope. It was a full on, for a few seconds I wasn't here/now, I was back in that moment and I could see the tiled wall and the sink in front of me. For that moment, I could feel him looming at my back and hear him breathing. Then, it was just gone and I was standing there disoriented at the kitchen sink.
That's what a flashback is like. Usually, they're a lot uglier than that one. I had a therapist tell me that flashbacks happen when we're at a place that we're safe enough to process the experience. There's something profoundly ironic about this one. The incident that I was having a flashback to occurred during a time where I was in therapy and trying to resolve the problems I was having at the time with flashbacks and night terrors to an abusive relationship I was in. I don't know if this means I am going to start having flashbacks of N- now. I really fucking hope not. Because N- and my relationship was profoundly traumatic and I still am stumbling onto triggers of panic attacks today and it's been 26 years since that happened.
I don't know why I am listening to a playlist of music made up of singers and songwriters from the 70s. For my earlier years, I listened to that and those years were pretty horrific in turn due to things with my parents. My subconscious is up to something. I have spent the last several years intermittently writing about those years. It seems to be the only thing that I am not hitting a creative block on. I don't know what to do about that. I have lived through some horrible shit and I don't know why it is the only thing I can write coherently about right now (well for the last 2 years).
On the 11th, I was full of sadness and I thought it was just my bipolar and seasonal affective disorder acting up. Then, as I thought about it, I realized it was an emotional flashback to watching the towers fall and hearing the city scream in terror. It was an emotional flashback to watching friends deal with the fact that they had no idea if their loved ones were alive and if we were in danger.
I'm not sure what to do with these things. I don't know if writing them down is going to a damn bit of good. I don't know if it will make things harder. The walls of the dam are beginning to crumble again. I don't know what is going to come with the fall.
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