Making no sense.

I have been struggling to write lately. The words just refuse to form. It's like having an idea that something is a color but you can't tell someone the color directly. Charades doesn't translate well to paper. It's also a crappy party game.

Imposter syndrome has been hitting me pretty hard. I've been having some anxiety over it all going wrong and I just can't stay health enough to have a career or even a hobby writing. Or at least, that's what my anxiety tells me. Because every month, I spend around half of it depressed, on average. But, that's an average.

Thus, the last three weeks was a depressive episode, but I didn't rate it as 'that bad' until last week. Now I'm feeling better but tired. Why am I tired, you ask. Well, I've some kind of stomach bug that's been making me feel rotten for the last few days. I didn't sleep so great last night because of it. On top of that, I am starting to have some disruption to my sleep. With my mood coming up out of depressed and my sleep starting to get erratic, I think I have a hypomanic episode coming up. Those last a few days to a week. Then I crash into a depressive episode.

Somewhere along the way, I have about a week of stable mood. It's really frustrating. Because until my depression gets severe, I think I'm just having a bad day. And in the hypomanic state I ... well, I am buzzing around doing ALL THE THINGS. When it has passed, I don't remember what I did. It makes finding things in the pantry a challenge. It is all very organized when I'm done, but gods help me if I can make sense of the organization.

Once, I had a therapist tell me that part of my memory issues was because my memory problems are mood dependent. Thus, when I'm depressed, I am only remembering bad things and when I'm in a good mood I'm only remembering the good things. I don't think that's accurate but I do think there's something to the argument. I know that when I'm depressed, I have a lot more flashbacks and I'm less resilient to the disappointments of life. When I'm manic, I am more resilient but I'm also very driven to do things. And my thought processes might click along faster, but they're going in more erratic directions.

It's hard to come to grips with all of this. It makes me realize that even with medication, I am not stable enough to re-enter the workforce. It makes me realize that I am going to have to play the long game when it comes to a writing career and that freelance work may not be a thing for me. That makes me feel kinda bad. I thought that maybe I was stable enough to possibly start writing to deadlines and stuff. Writing comes pretty easily to me, except for when I am depressed. Then everything gets hard. And I highly doubt someone is going to accept "I'm sorry this is late, but I was too depressed to figure out how to write a decent paragraph." as a reason for an item being past due.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do here. I'll figure something out. I always do. Usually when I'm in that hypomanic state.