Incoming Sarcasm, be advised.

So, I'm finally over the cold I had at the beginning of the month, the gastro-intestinal bug that hit after that, and the flu. That was great fun. I got a lot of stuff done. It was mostly hacking up gross stuff and feeling like death on toast. I attempted housework. It didn't work out so great. And I attempted to write a novel.

Said novel is in a notebook sitting on the desk across the room from me right now. I have been struggling for the last hour to summon up the mental energy to work on it. It is hard to do because I feel like it is garbage. I feel like NaNoWriMo has defeated me for a second year. A part of me says I should just give up on writing books because of it. My mood isn't too great at the moment because I feel kinda like a failure for not completing this thing.

I'm attempting to get past all of the horrible stuff I keep seeing in the news. It is really upsetting me to keep reading about things like people murdering transgendered people, gay people, and persons of color because they're there. And the relative impunity of said actions is part of what I find particularly distressing. The deceased could be people whom I love dearly. I see these news reports and I want to cry, scream, and burn everything down all at the same time. I find myself afraid of what these people would do to my children simply because they're autistic. (Because there are quite a few people out in the world who seem to think that autism is something that means you should just be dead. Same people have similar feelings about people with mental illness and disabilities that are not visible.)

I am struggling to be social because my social phobia is acting up pretty bad right now. I tell myself it is because it is the holidays and I made the mistake of going to the local wally world this Saturday. I'm not so sure though. I have an appointment coming up soon with my psychiatrist. I'll be bringing this up when I see him. I need to make an appointment to see the psychologist he has on staff, but my anxiety keeps getting in my way. It's really upsetting. It is getting in the way of doing other things that are necessary, like applying for disability or whatever it is that I qualify for because I'm disabled.

It's just been a rough November. And the grief of the deaths of my paternal grandparents has been hitting me pretty hard. All in all, I'm looking forward to January so that I can just put this time of year behind me and pretend it doesn't exist. The 'holiday spirit' just doesn't happen for me anymore. I feel badly about this because my kids get so excited and happy. And I just can't get into it. It make me feel like I'm broken or something. Because I'm not happy when everyone else around me seems to be.

So, yeah, this was a *great* November. And I've got five days left to screw it up still. Oh joy.