Low Spoons.

It has been a long and tiring day for me. It has also been a day of nonstop heartburn. It started about 9 in the morning and is still a problem right now. I have no idea why. A part of me wonders if I should be concerned. The rest of me is just exasperated with it all and wants it to stop. (I vaguely wonder if it is connected to the fact that my jeans are tight on me, but I don't think that is the problem.)

I got 90% of the things I needed to do today done. Some of it is just going to have to wait until tomorrow. Because I am mentally tapped out. I feel like I am useless. I feel like I am a consummate fraud. On the whole, I feel awful mentally as well as physically. And I have an overwhelming sense of guilt for not having ALL THE THINGS done. I know this is because I am unwell. But that doesn't help anything.

I want to write. I want to make beautiful things. I want to be social. I want to take the kids off on summer adventures. I want to make money doing stuff I am good at.

And I don't right now see how to make that all happen because I am sick. And I feel an intense sense of despair over it. I try not to give into it. I try not to think about it. Denial is not the answer here. But, it was what I was taught as a coping mechanism when I was small and what I tend to default to. Not healthy, trying to change it, but it is what I do.

So, if you're looking for cheerful updates on how things are going over here, I'm just not at the mental place to do that right now. Please bear with me.