Saturday, December 19, 2009

Because no one reads this anyways...

Yeah, I realize that is an emotional statement and that there are people out there who actually do read this. I'm just so over ridden with fury right now at the entire damn situation at the moment that it's put a negative spin on everything. I recognize that stress takes a toll on the body. I recognize that we all need to do something about it and find some way to cope with it. I recognize that being up all night with a fussy baby is hell.

I also don't give a damn at the moment because I'm so angry I want to spit nails. Cuddle Bear is in a foul mood because he doesn't feel well and I'm not letting him get into toys that he's not big enough for yet. He absolutely LOVES trucks and he has a few trucks that are more appropriate for a 4 to 5 year old child. They were out of reach up on top of a bookcase that he decided to try to climb last night. The bookcase fell over and he's a few minor bruises, with all the things on it scattered across his room now. Yeah, that made last night really suck.

This morning isn't off to a good start because Snuggle Bug just threw a two hour tantrum. The whole place is absolutely filthy because I haven't been able to keep things clean and get the yule presents done and tend two small children with colds. I've now caught the damn thing. So, I'm sitting here filled with rage, damn near, because my home is a disaster. Hubby looks around and says it just looks lived in and that I'm being unreasonable with myself for expecting to have it clean.

I can't get organized enough even for the baby steps part of the FlyLady program. I've been trying for damn near three weeks now and I can't manage it. I'm overwhelmed by the stuff that needs to get done around here everyday and I'm falling behind. At the same time, I'm trying to also manage the finances, plan for monthly needs, keep the family schedule under control (thank the gods that neither of the boys are in school right now!), and get things taken care of for special things that come up in the month, like yule. At the same time, I'm trying my damndest to be supportive to my husband when his boss is being a motherfucker and driving him to a nervous breakdown (because we honestly don't know if he's going to even have a job MONDAY, never mind next month) and keep MY psychological issues under control.

Oh, sure, I was looking into getting a counselor to work thru the whole PTSD thing that's been making my life HELL for the last few months back in September. But.. Well, I realized that I wouldn't have anybody to baby sit the kids for an appointment. So I had to say the hell with that and pray that the antidepressants will at least do enough to keep me from having anxiety attacks or bad problems with dissociation.

[... angry bitter ranting edited out ...]

You know, somedays I wish that I smoked, drank, or had something that took the edge off of all this stress.

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