Sick again? Fuck.

 I don't know what I have. I only know that my blood sugar is running absurdly high, which means I am sick. My anxiety is saying that it's Covid-19, the rest of me is saying it's likely to be another stupid cold. I don't really have any symptoms yet aside from high blood sugar readings. My morning fasting number was 180 something. I said to myself, "Ok, I can't have that bowl of oatmeal that I've been wanting. I'll do the 3 carb yogurt and the 21 carb meal bar. That shouldn't be too many carbs." In about 20 minutes, I was taking a nap on the couch instead of doing stuff like packing Beloved's lunch for work. Because I felt exhausted. I passed it off because I slept poorly last night.

Last night, I had a bunch of nightmares. They were sufficient in volume that they broke through the barrier that one of my medications causes by lowering my blood pressure. Basically, my bed time medication cocktail is one that pretty heavily sedates me and I usually sleep through the night. This time, I was up in the middle of the night in deep anxiety after having a nightmare of a screaming fight with my parents. I tried to sleep for the rest of the night but I kept having nightmares of fights. These are not memories but nightmares of the fights that I rehearse in my head when my anxiety peaks. So, basically, the rehearsing of fights is nonstop when my anxiety is bad. 

Looking at my log of where my mood has been for the last month, it's been moderately depressed and mildly anxious. I'm now wondering if I am dissociating and I'm actually far more anxious than I realize. It makes me wonder if I have been dissociating to some extent for months and that I'm not 'ok' as I seem to be to other people. It doesn't help that it's the holiday season. It doesn't help that I'm still mourning my grandparents. It doesn't help that I can't go interact with my side of the family because 90% of them are toxic and harmful for me to be around (or at least the ones who are local).

I don't know what's going on with me. That's terrifying for me. The last time I had no clear idea what was going on with me, only that I wasn't well, I got my diabetes diagnosis. The time before that, I got my bipolar diagnosis. Now, I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it to be one more serious problem to juggle. One more serious thing that people around me dismiss because I don't look sick. (Beloved always takes it seriously, but there's a good number of other people who just don't.)