I wrote two books in two weeks. One of those weeks, I was half out of it because I was still sick with that sinus infection. Fortunately, it did clear up. I'm exhausted because I haven't slept well for about a month now. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Some nights, it is because I'm thirsty. Most nights, it is because I am anxious.
For my birthday, my maternal grandmother sent me a very passive aggressive card that just served to reconfirm my decision to distance myself from her. When the card says 'I keep losing friends, don't know if they're dead or just missing' it makes me want to send back a 'Sorry for your bereavement' card and a bunch of lilies. Bonus points if the lilies are withered when they arrive. I am not going to waste the time or the money to do it, but the thought crossed my mind.
I find that as it draws closer to Thanksgiving my anxiety is creeping up higher and I'm anticipating a fight. According to Beloved, I get like this every year around Thanksgiving. I don't like rehearsing arguments in my head. I am still angry with comments that have been dropped out of ignorance. I don't know if I am going to be able to hold back if more comments like that come out over things like my using measuring cups to make sure that I am getting a safe carb load out of my meal.
It's been worse over the last few years because of the diabetes. I get afraid that my carbs are going to make my blood sugar spike and I'll get very sick. Beloved seems to be the one who understands that fear. Everyone else around me just doesn't seem to get it. So they keep offering me cookies and shit. I get the side eye when I say "I can't eat that." and I hate it.
No comments:
Post a Comment