NaBloPoMo 8: Ramblings.

 So, I am wearing my reading glasses right now to type this. I'd be using my regular glasses but they're filthy and I misplaced my lens wipes that I had on the desk for just this reason. I'm currently listening to Delerium's album Karma. Specifically the track that has their rendition of Sarah McLachlan's song Silence is what I'm listening to. It's like a cross between Engima and Sarah McLachlan's music. It's pretty cool.

I had a conversation yesterday that left me angry. I get that the person was trying to emphasize their point that they wanted to do something special for my family and I for the holidays. But they came off as patronizing. It was the "what do you NEED" that kept getting hammered on that made me angry. The things I need you can't buy at a store. I need my brain chemistry not to be fucked up. I need my body to stop hating me. I need my trauma issues to be resolved. I need to not be depressed most of the time. But, for some reason, this person thinks that throwing money and stuff at a situation is going to fix it. At the same time, they don't have the money for it. At the same time, their approach is not focused on the person they are trying to do something for but on making themselves look virtuous when they talk about what they've done. I damn near ended the conversation with "I don't need your pity or your charity."

I didn't. They don't know me. They like to think they know me. They have a picture in their head of who and what I am like. It is just about the complete polar opposite of who I am. They do the same thing with Beloved and the kids. It's been making me angry. They talk down to the kids because they're on the autism spectrum. They ignore us when we tell us what the kids interests are and go off half cocked to get what they think would be 'cool'. Regardless if it is at their level of ability or not.

I'm furious. I'm trying not to be furious because it's like being angry with the weather when it's raining. They're just acting according to their nature. But I keep expecting better from them. Every so often, they show genuine compassion and do acts of genuine good. It raises my hopes and then they turn around and let me down. I just have to stop expecting this person to think about someone else and accept that they're focused on making themselves look good at the expense of people around them.