I don't know what to do... (pt.2)

So, I suppose I should probably take a moment to state directly just what the hell is going on right now. Please bear with me as I engage in this rather rambling recap, I'm dealing with alot of emotions here and I'm half distracted by keeping an eye on my son as he is eating his breakfast.

About six years ago, my youngest brother got married. It was a small, quick wedding. I was the only person from my side of the family that got invited. I essentially guilted him into telling my parents about it, mind I had never even met the girl. No one in the family had met her. It made things tense between him and my parents for a little while. He told her some fairly terrible stories about my family, which really didn't help things much. Some of these stories were true and others he were exaggerated or out right lied about. Myself being one of the people he lied about to his new bride for a while before she and I met.

I kinda wonder if my insisting that he let our parents (at least) know that he was getting married (which he did the night before the wedding) is part of the reason why there's problems between him and I. I honestly don't know because there's been a strange gulf between him and I for years now. So, he joins the military. His wife has a tough time of it at first, but it's pretty clear that it's due to some communication problems. This, however, becomes even more of a problem as time goes on. He gets back on leave and he spends his time at my parent's house rather then at his in-laws house, where his wife and children are living. She's rather obviously hurt by this blatent rejection by her husband. It's not pretty.

She tries to forgive him this but he then does things like call our mom rather then his wife when he's got time to make phone calls while he's on his tour. Financially, it's a mess too. He just wants to spend 'his' money like he wants, no real regard for things like buying diapers for the kids back home. It reduces his wife to essentially begging family (hers and ours) for finaicial support for herself and the kids. This sets the tone for the rest of the relationship up to today's point in time.
And, yes, that includes the year and a half he was out of the military. During that time, he spent money willinilli and lived in our parent's house rather then with his wife and children at his in-laws or getting them an apartment or a house of their own.

So, he joins the Army Reserves. Mom goes into a coniption fit and immediately starts to panic that her baby is going to die on some foregin battlefield somewhere. We've been all doing our best to ignore this ongoing fit, as the rest of us accepted it was part of the risk for a while now. Mom's still having difficulty with it and is on the verge of yet more of a fit over his serious talk of joining the Army full-time. It appears fairly clear to my husband and I that my brother is doing this to avoid being an active part of the life of his wife and children.

...

I can't do this. I can't just describe this. My words don't do justice to the magnitude of injury that has been done emotionally to my brother's wife. I can't find enough to say for how confused my brother is...

My brother has created a horrible mess. His wife feels that he doesn't trust her. She's convinced that he wants a divorce but won't do it because:

1. It's too much effort.
2. He doesn't want to spend the money which can go twords his drinking, video games, or collection of anime.
3. He doesn't want to have money taken from him to pay alimony.

My parents are insisting that I'm looking at the situation like there's too much blame on my brother. I don't think they see how my brother's wife and children are living right now. I don't think they realize that my brother's eldest daughter keeps trying to run away because she believes that the whole family hates her and blames her for her father being gone.

...

It's just... It's just ugly. And in all of it, I feel like my heart is getting torn to peices. I love these people, I don't want to let the go out of my life. In their own strange ways, I know that they love me. If they didn't my brothers wouldn't have shown up when I had that appendictomy back when I was pregnant with my son. My youngest brother wouldn't have driven up from the base where he was stationed for a day and a half with out sleep to try to get to my wedding.

They seem so damn intent on hurting each other and destroying their lives, however, that it's just ... it's breaking my heart and leaving me with the terrible feeling that I'm going to have no choice but to let them go. Though none of them area aware of how I feel about this situation or anything else. It's... It's hurting like hell for me and I'm realizing just how much emotional baggage I have surrounding my family... I don't know what to do because I can talk to them and hope they will listen to me or expect them not to listen and let them go.

I don't know what to do... (pt.1)

I had a nightmare last night that woke me up feeling like I got punched in the gut. I honestly expected to be crying when I woke up this morning. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I sit here and look at the situation and my heart is just breaking all to pieces. In the meantime, I feel that I should keep a smile on my face and act like I'm mystified by the entire mess going on in my side of the family.

My brother who is serving in the Army in Afghanistan joined the Army Reserve because he was having a tough time adjusting back to civilian life after he finished his tour with the Marines about two years ago. A year and a half after he was done being a Marine he signed up for the Army Reserves. He's talking about re-enlisting, this time in the Army. This fact by itself is kinda tragic and says something about the way we're treating our military service members when they get home at the end of their tour of duty.

I can't help it. I worry about him everyday. I try to live my life like everything is ok, but there's the fear that my youngest brother won't come home. He's half done with his deployment, if they don't extend it. I don't believe that he's going to come home on time because looking at the situation, I genuinely expect his outfit's deployment to be extended. I have his address via the military, I don't know if I should write him or not though. There's alot of stuff going on here around my brother that I'm hurt, angry, and deeply disappointed with him over. At the same time, he is my youngest brother and I love him deeply. It hurts and it... It has me feeling incredibly conflicted right now.

And then there is all of the other crap going on which just... I'm at a loss for words. It's the proverbial shitstorm that has resulted from my brother being an idiot. And I think that it's going to just break my side of the family apart. It's something that is painful as hell for me to think about. As I sit here writing, I look over at my son and see him playing with his piece of zweibeck toast. I ask myself, what is the right thing to do by him? I can't keep doing this on the basis of how I *feel* about the situation.

My heart, however, keeps making it's pain known as this proceeds. So, I do need to act with consideration to these emotions and how I view all of this mess. The really stupid thing is I am questioning what on earth I did wrong to cause this. Never mind the fact that the moral accountability test of the situation shows clearly that I have no form of responsibility here beyond my immediate response to the situation. It's root and origin lies in other people's decisions and actions.

Missing.

A dear friend of mine is in a terrible situation right now. Her mother has gone missing. If you are in Anne Arundel Co. MD and you happen to see this woman, please, for the love of everything holy let the authorities know!

Here's the news story about it from the Examiner.

Lady_Cinnibar, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. While there isn't much I can do for you from up here in western NY, please, call me as soon as you know anything. The time doesn't matter. *hugs*

from the interwebz comes my new band...

Your Debut Album

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

for mine...

Japanese holdout ~ when we're in love

[click here for the pic, because I can't seem to make it show up here]

Now, here's the question:

what kind of music would my band play?

What! You don't have Starbucks!?!

I'm pretty sure that all y'all have read about the great Starbucks closures going on right now. As I read the list of locations that are being closed, I chuckled because the one that opened up in my hometown is closing. It's only been open for about a year and a half, and now it's gone. When they opened, my husband's sister was absolutely delighted. She felt that our little town was finally beginning to become something of a respectable place.

She's always been in love with the city. While I enjoyed the city when I was at college, I didn't want to stay there. She, however, would love to go back and live there. So, when our small town got a Starbucks, she was on cloud nine. This happened at about the same town that the eastern end of town started getting some of the stores that are more associated with the suburbs. For example, there's a Sears there and we've got Peebles too. It's a big difference from the small village shoe shop and the clothes store next door where if you wanted something different then what was in stock you had to order it out of a catalog.

Now, the influence of the city is starting to go away. The Starbucks is leaving. Some of the new stores are having difficulty and will probably be leaving soon also. On one hand, the loss of business is a sad sign and an indication that the economic down turn is affecting more people today. At the same time, it's an indication of what I knew the whole time. A small farming community can't afford to support the overpriced glitzy services that you can find in the city. I say over priced because stuff like $4.00 for a cup of coffee is overpricing. It'd be one thing if the coffee was worth $4.00 a cup.

It's not, though, because the coffee that I make at home with the cheap coffee that I got at the grocery store tastes better then that stuff from Starbucks.

self-soothing...

It's something that I've yet to master. I've found, however, that working on learning how to spin has been doing wonders for that.

I have a drop spindle that's just like this one:



It's been surprisingly soothing to sit and spin the wool that I bought with it a few weeks ago. I actually went out and bought more last week. Now, I have been working on learning to make yarn that is even and relatively fine. Some day, I want to spin my own embroidery thread. As of right now, however, I've managed to make a bit of yarn that will be useful for something crochet. I'm not sure what, though.

I hate this right now...

I'm so upset and fustrated right now with so many things that I just want to cry. I try so hard to make things more settled and easier to deal with right here in my home but I feel like I'm making no progress. I'm struggling to just keep my home clean. I simply don't feel that I can do this successfully because I've got no apparent room right now. I realize that I'm probably looking at this all the wrong way. It most likely makes me an idiot.

The mess with the damn car... I hate that car. I really have begun to hate this things with a passion. And I'm beginning to hate the entire mess surrounding locating a new car as well. I'd add more but I think that would just spawn another argument with my husband. He reads this too and I think he knows where I stand on this, so I won't hit the matter on the head again.

I'm so upset and fustrated with the way things stand right now that I feel torn between crying and throwing things. I wonder somedays if there is a point to my continually attempting to do things like get my home clean or anything else like that. All it adds up to is an attempt. I feel like I'm not really treading water here. Each dish I wash winds up dirty later and needs washed again. Each scrap of clothing I clean needs to be cleaned again later. Folding up and putting clothes away is just not possible right now because of all the crap piled up everywhere. I can't put things away because I have no place for them. Why?

Because stuff is packed in boxes. Because the damn boxes are piled up everywhere. Because I can't carry shit into the damn storage shed between it being too heavy and I have no way to secure it in the shed. Why can't I secure it? Because the stupid lock that I had in the kitchen has gone god knows where after I put it on my husband's desk almost a month and a half ago when I asked him to move a few boxes out there.

So... what the hell is the point?

I spend my time during the day attempting to find some way to balance keeping the domestic concerns in check with raising the boy and also getting back into my writing, and possibly even attempting to run a business on-line doing tarot readings. I feel like all of the effort I'm putting in is futile at best, worthless at worst, and at the end of the day I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong.

Sure, one could say that I'm trying to do too much but it doesn't change the fact that it needs done.

I'm not bitching about how my husband doesn't do anything to help. He works and brings home the money we need to put food on the tables, to make the car run (and to even get us a car), and to keep the roof over our heads. I can't say that's not enough because it's all I can ask of him. It's the reasonable thing to ask of him.

But... gods help me, I don't know what I'm going to do on keeping up my end of the bargin because I think I'm doing it wrong. My anxiety problem is making it hard for me to sleep at night and for me to write. I'm having difficulty feeling safe because the constant cat-fights next door are aggrivating my PTSD and I keep feeling that I need to be ready for some one to assault me. Everytime I look around here, I see constant reminders that I'm falling down on the job here, even if it is in my own head.

~ Edited To Add: ~

I've spent a little bit trying to get a few things done and I've since found that lock. Maybe I'll be able to get a few boxes over to the storage shed this afternoon. We'll see.

Ugh!

I love my family, I really, really do. My grandmother is driving me nuts.

I am having some difficulty planning my son's first birthday party. I admit, I am a bit nervous about this. At the same time, however, I'm not looking to go nuts.

I made some phone calls and found out where I could get a free cake. I have a set of invitations and a set of thank you cards to send out. I'm in the midst of planning the decorations and everything for it. The guest list has been made and I've even resolved the potential scheduling conflict that was going to come from his birthday being the day after his cousin's. All I really need is a location.

I thought that I could get it taken care of easily by calling the village offices. There's a park just a few minutes away from here that is a place that we go to often. It's larger then our townhouse and would be a great location for a party. Unfortunately, the pavilion at the park is booked until the beginning of September. There's been some drama surrounding finding another place to hold it. My grandmother said 'yes, you can have the party here' only to change her mind about 72 hours later. Since then, I've found myself getting increasingly frustrated with the insinuation that I'm planning a party that's too complicated and just too much for my son.

Maybe it's just me, but I thought that some cake, some ice cream, and giving him the opportunity to play with his cousins while his father and I visited with his uncles, aunts, and grandparents was just right. Make the party no longer then an hour and that leaves plenty of time for him to enjoy himself without it being too long with too many people.

Seriously, I want to beat my head against a wall right now. Cake, ice cream, and family is not the same thing as renting a tent, a pony, clowns, and god knows what else. I'm thinking that this thing can be done for around $50. That's a hell of alot less then what alot of other people I know spent for their kid's first birthday.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that I can actually do this?

So, I thought I was losing my mind...

First, I need to open this blog post with two different things that make sense only to the people involved.

Stargazer, thank you so much for talking with me last night. That call helped me alot. While I'm still feeling incredibly anxious, I am not quite as ready to fly apart with it all.

Stormcrow, I'm sorry that my recent e-mails have been ... well... have like they have. I think this may help make sense of some of it.

For years, I've been terrified that I was crazy in a bad way. It's only recently (within the last 10 years) that I have begun to understand that even if I was, it's not a terrible end of the world thing. And, it wouldn't make me a bad person. It'd be like saying that the person with a bad head cold was somehow morally deficient because they caught the cold to begin with. Morally deficient people are not the only ones who get sick. Crazy in a bad way, by the way, means not able to really function.

I suppose I really should start at the beginning here. When I was a kid, I was regularly threatened with being insitutionalized by my parents, specifically my mother. This was the same woman who talked about me as though I wasn't her daughter when I didn't behave the way she wanted me to. She still does that to some extent and still even will talk about me as though I'm not even in the room. To be honest, I have always hated that and I think it is a toss up between which of those two I hate more. I was regularly accused of being a hypchrondriac, by both my parents and several others in my family. I was also reminded on a frequent basis that I was a difficult and expensive birth, that I was an investment and I had better not fuck up. The last bit of that statement was generally implied most of the time, but on occasion it was said to me by my mother.

If you're seeing a pattern here, it's not a coincidence. I found myself frequently in the position of having the blame for alot of different crap shoved on me and when blame wasn't shifted to me, I found a great deal of encouragement to blame myself for it. As a result, I lived alot of my childhood in my head. I've a fantasy novel that I'm working on that is based to a large extent on those years of retreating to inside my own head to escape the misery that I faced frequently. I feel terrible to admit it, but I was psychologically abused as a child. And I'm still struggling with the effects of it today.

So, between high levels of stress with this whole crap with our apartment, my on going anxiety over money, and dealing with a bit of depression, I kinda freaked out over the last month. I was corresponding some with a person who has dissociative identity disorder/multiple personality disorder. As he was describing his experiences, I saw alot of parallels between my own situation. Then, this whole bit of hogwash started with the new apartment. I found myself in a difficult place.

I had found myself suddenly facing the echos of my mother's bullshit with the question if I actually had another personality. I looked at the 'voice' in my head and I became terrified. Did that monster in my head of my repressed shadow-side actually have a 'life' of it's own? What of the other 'aspects' of my personality? Did my bit of minor gender identification issues (which again are due to how I was raised) actually indicate a split personality?

These questions have been there for a long time. In the past, I had dismissed them as foolish. Or I simply refused to look at them. I was building up to something of a crisis on this matter and I think all of the stress in these other areas came together to reveal this. Between my having difficulty sleeping and dealing with some of my PTSD issues, I found myself suddenly flailing around in terror over a new possible problem. Last night, I had a conversation with Stargazer and I found reassurance that even if I did have multiple personalities, I was ok.

She then proceeded to explain to me that I never did manifest another personalitiy in the years that we'd known each other, and that being a cranky and surly person in the morning didn't count as that either. We talked for a while. Alot of the conversation revolved around my mother, as they frequently do. I came away from the conversation on stable ground. Suddenly, it didn't feel like I was just going to fly to peices.

It also left me feeling more then saddened by things between my mother and I. It had taken me almost two years of therapy to recognize that I was abused by my parents. It's something I've been struggling with ever since that recognition came to me, almost 10 years ago. It seems like there is always something new revealed as having it's roots back in my childhood.

My massive guilt complex, the anxiety problems, and my attempts to be superwoman all go back to that. I know that I've a long standing problem with depression. While some elements of it may be neurophysical, more of it is just because of how I was raised. I realize that my fears regarding not having enough money to buy food is rooted in my childhood when we had times like that. Sure, my mother may act like my brothers and I didn't know it, but we knew when she and my father didn't eat so that we could.

I don't know how to break away from this stuff. Stargazer suggested talking to a psychologist. I don't know if we can afford that or if it's even something that'd be covered by the health insurance that my husband has thru work. It is such a struggle not to just go find a corner and cry in it when the enormity of it all hits me. At least I can say that I'm not as bad off as I was afraid I was. After all, I manage to take care of my son and our home reasonably well. And I don't have mpd/did, just a lot of bad messages to get out of my head.

You know, somedays, I'd kinda like to be wrong.

So, anyone else been following the news about that HPV vaccine? You know, the one that they've been advertising that girls who are about 13 should get and that some states are seriously contemplating mandating?

Well, here's the latest chapter in the saga:

It appears that it has a 'causal' connection to several girls and women who've received the injection getting seriously ill and a few deaths.

Perhaps it's just me, but it's pretty damn suspicious when the government starts screaming about how a brand new vaccine must be implemented. It's even more suspicious when there's a huge blitz of advertising of the same slick variety as the stuff that's designed to sell erection enhancement pills. Especially when they're using scare tactics.

I think that the FDA knew these vaccines weren't fully tested. I think that somebody bought off the FDA's approval. Yep, you heard me, folks, the FDA, who're supposed to be our safeguard against such things most likely are complicit in this bullshit. Now, here's the question...

How long before the FDA attempts to sweep this crap under the rug or some how attempt to make the complaints of these people look illegitimate in the eyes of the media?

I *so* don't like the way this looks. I've a feeling that something else equally unpleasant is on the way from the same source.

hmm... so, the gods have a sense of humor.

Why do I say this?

Because there was a rather unexpected development today. Just 15 minutes ago, I met with the landlord of where we live. She's just gotten the note and the check from last month. I hand delivered the check for this month and I've been assured that the lease agreement went in the mail today.

My suspicions regarding the previous manager getting fired were correct. At either the end of this week or the beginning of next week, maintenance will be by to look at the various issues that are problems for us. We shall see how this plays out. First order of business is to review the lease when it arrives. After that, I think we'll either be having a conversation with the owner or exchanging letters back and forth.

I hope that this will be resolved quickly and painlessly.

I still have a sense of foreboding here, though. I could see that she was a woman who was overworked and disorganized. I'm hoping that today was just one of those crazy post 3 day weekend mondays for her. I'm not entirely sure, though.

It gives me a feeling that something's off.

Where do *I* stand? I'm glad you asked...

I suppose before I launch into real discussion on the matter of politics I should try to give you a picture of where I'm coming from. Some of this you may have gleaned from my earlier posts on different topics. Other elements of this is going to be new and possibly seem contrary to what you expected. Either way, I hope this isn't going to be a boring, "Let's hear about ME" post. If it is, I apologize.

To begin, I suppose I should tell you how I was raised. Not every detail mind you, but the political climate within my home as a child should be considered because it does have some significance to my views today. My parents are registered as Independent. For a brief period of time when I was quite young, my father was registered as a Republican and my mother was registered as a Democrat. Then they became disgusted with both of the parties. I believe they've since changed their affiliation. I'm not entirely sure, as it has been a while since I discussed the matter with them.

I was taught that the rights explicitly protected by the Constitution are vital to the health and well being of the nation. I was also taught that there are various other rights that are implicitly accepted and we need to use our explicitly stated rights to vigilantly defend them. What is an example of this? Well, the Fourteenth Amendment protects our right to due process. The Roe vs. Wade decision falls under the protections of this amendment. This is because it protects our privacy which was violated in this case by a violation of due process (the privacy matter could make it possible that it also that this decision is under the auspices of the Fourth Amendment as well).

Now, one may ask, how is this an example of using an explicitly stated and protected right to defend an implicitly accepted one? Well, this is a clear case of the First Amendment being applied to defend an undefined right (the right to privacy). The act of demanding redress of grievances is protected by the First Amendment and that is precisely what happened by the plaintiff in the case of Roe vs. Wade.

If the plaintiff in this case had not exercised their right to demand redress of grievances and appealed to the Supreme Court, the implicit right to privacy regarding one's body would never have been upheld by the Supreme Court's decision to overturn the initial findings in the case which argued that abortion was illegal. Now, I won't get into the abortion debate at this time, because it'll take me far afield from the main topic of this post. I may do so at a later time, however.

On some issues, I could be described as a conservative. I strongly uphold that minimal government involvement in the daily affairs of the people is best. To put it bluntly, I believe that the role of the federal government is to regulate interstate commerce and to preserve the nation at large in the face of foreign threats, by taking action that is approved of and supported by the people. I believe that the best economic policy the federal government can take is a laissez-faire one, allowing the market to adjust according to it's internal forces. On other issues, I could be described as a liberal. I believe individual freedoms is vital to the well being of the nation. In this respect, I am a classical liberal. I also believe that all people in the nation have the right to adequate education and to live with out fear of discrimination. This could place me as a social liberal.

I believe that the Second Amendment is specifically talking about the right of individuals to own and bear arms. This right is vital for the people to maintain their liberty and the prevention of tyranny. One may ask why and my response is relatively simple. If you look at the Declaration of Independence, you find that the framers of this document upheld that the people have the right to change and/or abolish their government if it become oppressive. The right of the people to bear arms ensures that if the people can not change and/or abolish their government by peaceable means when it becomes oppressive that it is then required to do so by force.

I am opposed to the current military engagement in Iraq. I believe it is empire building, that the war is illegal, and it is unjust. I also believe that the current administration has sanctioned war crimes, including but not limited to the torture of prisoners of war, the abuse of non-combatants, and the establishment of concentration camps. I am infuriated by the President's suspension of habeus corpus and I fully support the calls for his impeachment. I also believe that the President should be tried for treason on the grounds of his actions and the actions of those who operate under his auspices are directly injurious to the rights (explicit and implicit) of the people of the United States and actively undermine the nation's well being.

Some people may insist that my beliefs and feelings on this matter make me a traitor to this nation or an apologist for the 'terrorists.' If anyone says that, I'd like to contend that they are fools. Yes, my words may be argued as encouraging insurrection and sedition. If that is the case, it is because it is the only way that the efforts of the people who founded this nation can live on. I was raised to have a keen understanding of why the Revolutionary War occurred.

As the proud descendent of people who fought in the Revolutionary War, I know what the word patriot means. I get angry when I see it bandied about and put as equal with the term nationalist. I get angry when it is thrown about as a synonym for a veteran or active member of the military. I am made especially angry when the political pundits throw the term around for any person who agrees with their views or use it for other propagandists. Some may say that I hate this nation because of my political views.

Nothing can be further from the truth. I love this place. It is my home. My roots run deep here and I want to see the nation prosper and flourish. That, however, can not happen if we tolerate tyranny. Facisim is a form of tyranny and I believe that is what is in the midst of being insituted here. I am obligated to oppose it not only on the basis that it is opposed to what the ideological principles that lead to the founding of the nation but on the basis of my family's own history.

Aside from my being the descendant of a true Patriot, I am also the descendant of people who left Germany to escape the facisim of the Third Reich. Opposition to such things is demanded of me by my blood, you could say. I am deeply troubled by the changes that have been coming over the country in the last decade. I do not wish to see another civil war happen in this nation. At the same time, if that is the only way to preven the nation from becoming a different version of the Third Reich, then so be it.

So, I'm going to ramble on the topic of politics.

Ok, I haven't said much about politics here. I think, however, I am going to start blogging some on that topic. After all, this is my soapbox here on the internet and I have a captive audience. [insert evil laughter here] So, I figure, why not give y'all a taste of what's on my mind when it comes to this topic as well. I recognize, there are going to be people who oppose what I say and even be disgusted and/or insulted by my perspectives on various political issues.

That is perfectly fine by me because I know that there are issues and viewpoints that I will feel the same way about. I promise, I will do my best to be inoffensive in language and respectful of everyone. Flames that are vulgar will be deleted. Flames that are ad hominem attacks are also going to be deleted. It doesn't matter if they're directed at myself or at others who are posting comments. Hitting below the belt is just unsportsmanlike and has no real grounds in any kind of debate.

On the matter of politics, I will do my best to make sure that any discussion that pops up in the comments along this line of topic is open. I recognize that people are going to want to attempt to dictate to me how I should reply to issues and possibly get offended when I don't follow their lead. I'd like to remind people that this is my blog.

If you have a response that it longer than three to four sentences, please blog about it on your blog and provide the link to mine. When you do blog about it, post a link to my blog, so that your readers can follow the whole story. If I have a response that is longer then three or four sentences, I too shall blog about it and either specifically reference your comment with a link to my blog entry that the comment is attached to or reference your blog reply/rebuttle with a link.

I feel that it is only fair to attribute things to their proper sources.

All of this said, I hope that you enjoy this line of discussion. I have a feeling it is going to get lively.

A little politics with my morning coffee.

This is reposted from a forum that I'm a part of.

Well, I found this entertaining and interesting. It appears that the Senator is educated to some extent about his own faith. It also appears that the evangelist minister whom is getting referred to in this article by CNN isn't that well educated.

I think this is going to be an interesting little sidebar to the rest of the matters being highlighted this election. I also suspect that the evangelical christian voting bloc may find themselves forced to either support McCain or be unrepresented this presidential election.

I must say that the comparison between Al Sharpton and James Dobson to be quite entertaining. I also think it is quite telling of Senator Obama to make that comparison. Sharpton and Dobson are at seemingly opposite ideological ends of the evangelical christian movement, or at least in the more aggressive (possibly militant) part of the movement. And yet, putting them side by side in his speech points out that they're two different versions of the same political animal.

I figure any day now, I'll start getting spammed with how Obama is a 'false' christian and a servant of the DEBIL because he isn't slavishly obeying the calls to heel by the loudest voices of the more militant element of the evangelical christian movement. I look at this and I am inclined to say that Senator Obama is a moderate christian who focuses on the New Testament teachings, specifically the Sermon on the Mount.

Ever notice that those christians who focus upon expressing their faith in a reserved manner and are in some political power are decried by those who are more militant in their expression as either not doing enough or being false in their beliefs? It's enough to make you wonder if they're practicing two entirely different faiths that are united only by certain elements of mythos and ritual.

Looking at this on the whole, I think that McCain is going to 'sell out' and court the evangelical christian voting bloc. I suspect that it may be the only way that he could possibly manage to oppose Obama's popularity. After all, the machine of the evangelical christian voting bloc is a huge part of what is pushing the pro-America propaganda and highly nationalist/burgeoning facist pedagogy over the last several years. I also think that as that little machine begins to chug out a spew of racist garbage and bullshit accusations with respect to Obama, it will become suddenly alot easier to spot how pervasive that influence is in the population.

Who knows, this may even serve as a way to find the weak points in the propaganda machine. Wouldn't that be nice?

fie on it!

I'll admit it. This whole business with the apartment has me feeling somewhat depressed.

I don't know what to do about it.

Seriously, I hate this.

Well, I don't know what to do.

I sit here in front of the computer torn with this debate and no one seems to be able to give me any advice on how to proceed.

What do I do here in the face of this mess we're dealing with? Specifically, do I continue to unpack or do I try to rearrange boxes in a fashion that we can tolerate?

I can't stand this.

I really do want to unpack and get us settled in here but I don't know if that would be wise because we may be moving in a month or two.

What on earth do I do now?

This is so upsetting.

I rather hate it.

Baby Books.

So, I decided that I was going to give my son books. I firmly believe that a grasp of language, and written counts as much as oral, as well as a grasp of basic mathematics are needed for children to succeed as adults. I recognize that giving him books when he's a baby is probably a bit over ambitious and maybe even a little silly. Still, I've been getting him books and I read to him everyday.

I plan on teaching him to read with these books and some flashcards when he's around three. Sure, some people may say that it's a bit much to be teaching a three year old how to read, but that was what my parents did with my brothers and I. We turned out not half bad, so I'm going to be doing it with my boy. As I've been getting him books, I found that I really wanted him to have the Little Golden Books that I loved as a kid.

I didn't expect it to be quite so much effort. Now, I have not, mind you, been looking at garage sales and such. I thought I could just walk into a book store or a used book store and grab a few copies easily. That has not proven the case. The older books are collectors items and can be quite expensive if I'm getting them in good condition. I, of course, feel that I need to have the books in good condition to help my boy learn how to read and to have them for when he grows up.

I rather regret giving away my favorite picture books when I turned 13. Since then, I've been having a devil of a time replacing them. My favorite rendition of Sleeping Beauty has been the hardest to replace. I suppose that should have warned me that I'd have a hard time finding the Little Golden Books that I wanted, but I thought that those were more popular and should be easy to locate. As a result of my search, I've found some of them. I'm still looking for the rest.



This was my second most favorite book from my childhood. The illustrations are ones that I absolutely adore and I can't help but smile everytime I see them. I think the one that is my favorite in this book is the illustration depicting Scuffy with the cows and the washer-women. It's just barely ahead of the image of saw-mill and the rainbow. Those two pictures are just burned into my brain and filled with warm and happy feelings for me.



The story of the puppies always charmed me. It also reminds me of my brothers and I sneaking out of the backyard to run around the farm. It was at about this time in our lives that we read this little book countless times. When I hold this book, among the memories that come to mind is the feeling of climbing over the wire fence and jumping into the long grass on the other side, with that wild rush of freedom and excitement that came from the landing. It's a feeling like nothing else and a part of me wishes there was some way for my adult self to recapture that feeling
again.



Another book that I love for the illustrations, I think this is my number three favorite of the Little Golden Books that my paternal Grandparents had read to us. (They still have these books, which are enjoyed by a third generation. These books were read to my father as a boy, myself as a girl, and now to my nieces. I'm surprised the bindings haven't fallen off.) The story here is such an uplifting one. I'm glad that I found it again because when I have days that I feel badly about my appearance, I can now read it again and feel better. The message in this charming story has always warmed my heart and done wonders for my self-esteem.

I'm still looking for the other books, but I hope that my little boy grows up to find these books as heart warming as I did.

Hmm...

Life is beginning to hand me interesting little things again.

As I said a few nights ago, the gods are up to something. Fortunately today, it was a downpour (my poor little rosebush and my strawberry plant desperately needed it) and a surprisingly affectionate husband after a long and difficult day at work. And, as odd as it may sound, I think I needed that in the face of all of this stress going on with our new place and what not.

I still can't help feeling anxious about it all, but for lack of any better expression, I now feel somewhat comforted. Heck, even the baby waking up to smile at me as I put a blanket over him to keep him warm in spite of a cool breeze served to bring me comfort when I've been feeling anxious today.

If I was only able to get Stormcrow on the phone. I love the sound of his laugh and it'd be good to talk to him. Ah well, I'll hopefully catch him on the phone soon. He's a smart guy and I think he may have a few ideas that could help hubby and I find our way out of this mess. Right now, I think we can use all the ideas we can get.

On a slightly different note, I think I may have found a new witch to correspond with. I've read a little bit of her blog and I've got to say that Carol of the Woods seems to be some one that I'd love to share a cup of tea and a sunny afternoon with. Warmth just pours out of her writing style and I think that's just lovely. It all just reminds me that I do need to actively make myself open up and seek some new friends. Perhaps we'll correspond, perhaps I'll just admire her blog. Either way, I'm delighted to have met her in some fashion via the interwebz.

i blame stargazer...

Though I admit, it was almost funny at times. I got alot of links to books.

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
A: Deborah needs some help with #9 (And that would be...?)

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
A: Who does Deborah Messing look like? (Herself.)

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
A: Deborah Says Play! (Title for a kid's book.)

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
A: What Deborah wants (Title of a play.)

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
A: Deborah does navel-gazing. (Blog title, and so not me.)

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
A: Honk if you hate me (Title of a book.)

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search:
A: Deborah asks for prayer (from a political forum no less.)

Q: Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
A: Deborah goes to Dover (Another book title.)

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search:
A: Deborah likes to play computer, tennis & watch tv ! (well, nix the tennis and the tv, you might beginning to get somewhere.)

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search:
A: Deborah eats slowly too; there is something hypnotizing about her grandmother's movements that makes her try to lift the spoon at the same time... (Novel excerpt and wtf?)

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search:
A: I love the white taylored shirt cover-up that Deborah wears to the beach party (I'm fashionable? When the hell did that happen?)

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search:
A: Deborah was arrested for driving under the influence. Deborah was arrested for 1st degree forgery for having her license number altered. (Two things that will happen on a cold day in hell. I'm too boring for any of that to happen.)

random internet foolishness

53 As a 1930s wife, I am Average Take the test!

I suppose I need to invest in a few new aprons and stop walking around in my stocking feet now. :)

I'm beginning to hate this place...

Yeah, I admit it. I'm beginning to hate this place that we've moved into. I could try to keep lying to myself and say "Oh, this feeling will pass. I really am just stressed out and that's it, seriously!" If that was even remotely believeable, however, I should be off somewhere selling impossible things for incredible amounts of money, making the concept of selling ice to eskimos look like child's play. No, I'll admit it, I am beginning to hate this place.

The neighbors irritate me. I do my best not to allow myself to be irritated but I can't exactly help the way their screaming arguments in the middle of the afternoon set my teeth on edge. And I do rather feel disgusted by how they find it appropriate to leave the bag of garbage sitting on the front yard until it is dragged down to the dumpster. It'd be one thing if it was in a garbage can of some sort.

It's not, however, and I am daily amazed by the fact that a raccoon or something hasn't strewn their garbage across the parking lot and the yard. I'm horrified by the fact that they're willing to let their infant children play where the garbage bag sat and there are remnants of the garbage still in the lawn. I hope to god this doesn't make me an elitist snob or something insane like that. I work very hard not to be a bitch like that.

The carpet is in the midst of coming apart. My son can't play on the floor unless I've put something down for him to play on. Otherwise, he's pulling up chunks of lint and putting them in his mouth. To put it lightly, this is not acceptable and I'm more then a little upset with this. Each day that passes, the angrier I get with that minor fact because you can't walk across the room with out lifting up the nap of the rug and having lint balls left in your wake. Nothing I can do will resolve this problem, it's going to happen until the rug is bare or it gets replaced. Neither of which I don't think we'll be here for.

I have been doing my best to clean this place up. It was filthy when we moved in. The manager had told me months before we moved in that it was going to have the carpets replaced, damage repaired, and everything cleaned up. That didn't happen. I have cleaned out black mold in the kitchen cupboards, picked up nails left in the rug, and I've yet to get all of the soap scum off of the tub and shower surround. The owner of the complex appears to be of a mind to jerk us around and it's making me angrier by the minute when I think about it.

I do my best not to think about how they're attempting to screw us. But, when I look around here and I see the degree of disaster around me, I really want to go burn things down. I hate the process of moving. I hate the process of searching for a new place to live. I really, really hate the fact that we're forced to do so again after having been living here for barely a full two weeks. Somebody please tell me, what god did I piss off?

I'd love to know. Because, I really can't think of any reason why we've got an asshole running the show here trying to scam money out of us and attempting to strong arm us into doing what they want. And all the while, we're supposed to shut up and accept what pittance of responsibility they decide to accept in the maintenance of this place? I'm sorry, but I've got enough of my pride where I'll fix my own damn problems if the solution is within my abilities and they can't be bothered to help us out. And I'll be enough of a bitch to send them the goddamn bill for it too.

Thank god they took care of that problem with the drain in the bathroom sink.

Gods, I really really want to wing a brick thru the car window of the owner's nice little new looking leased sedan the next time I see it in front of the office and to have a conversation with that former manager who we were talking to when we signed the lease. Yep, a conversation including a nice baseball bat. My thoughts are tending towards the aluminum one rather then the wood one. After all, wood is relatively soft compared to metal.

Hmm...

So, I'm in an interesting position. I'm not exactly a big fan of our new neighbors. I'll admit it, the initial impression that they were 'ok' is progressively getting tainted with each fight I hear thru the wall, the stream of random people coming to the door, and a myriad of other little things. I'm doing my best not to be judgemental, but it's not exactly easy. Today, as I was getting back from my walk, I paused to see if I could meet up with the manager.

The same manager who has been conspiciously absent from the premises of the apartment complex we moved into for a while now. According to the other residents it's been almost a month now and they've been unable to reach her by phone for two months. I know that for the past week since we moved in, I have had to call the owner of the complex to get a maintenance guy to come over and kill the hornets nest outside my son's bedroom window and resolve an existing drain problem. Again, I'm doing my best not to let the situation be colored by emotion or false impressions. Moving in to a place that had mold of some sort growing in the cupboards and needs a fair amount of cleaning, when I was told prior to our moving in that it was going to be cleaned, however, is making it difficult to do.

Sooo... in the midst of all this, I've been trying to get ahold of the manager to find out just what my husband and I are supposed to do about our storage unit. The storage unit assigned to us had some one elses stuff in it. That makes things a little difficult to put our things in there. As I was going to talk to the manager, however, I met up with the person who had their stuff in our unit. I then heard an interesting story about the entire situation.

That story kinda made me a little wary but it was having the big guy who lives across the complex from me (who was helping his signifigant other put some of their stuff into storage) offer to talk to the neighbors if they caused problems that made me uneasy. According to reputation, the neighbors are drug dealers and users. I generally don't have a problem with other people's recreational habits. I do my best to make the drug use of others a non-issue when it doesn't directly impact me or my own. After all, what they do to their body is their business and I've no grounds to tell them otherwise.

It was hearing about how they had been moved from one side of the complex to here on the basis of multiple complaints from their neighbors that made me mentally say 'oh? this is an interesting development.' Now, as my son is napping (theoretically napping, he's in his crib with the fan blowing on him and playing in actuallity), I sit here and I wonder just what to do. On one hand, it really isn't my concern just what these people do to or with themselves. At the same time, I've been warned multiple times over the last week that these people are a potential problem, specifically the male half of the equasion.

I've been doing my best to keep the advice of my Father in mind here. Keep my eyes open, my ears open, and my mouth shut. But I really don't know what to do with the information I'm learning. I've been told these things about the one set of neighbors immediately next to us, specifically warned that they get into loud fights and have called the police on each other multiple times, for example.

I'm finding out increasing evidence about the manager's tendancy to avoid complicated situations. To the extent where it looks like she won't come to work in order to avoid dealing with upset residents who have a genuine complaint (like that only one of the three washing machines work) and will actively avoid being available to contact by phone. I look at all of it and I see a situation where ... well... I have a bad feeling that I'm not going to be making any friends soon.

You see, unlike alot of these other people who just sigh and laydown when their legitimate complaints are ignored, I tend to stand up and start forcing the situation to get resolved. I suspect that may make me a trouble maker and several social/political enemies here. I don't like being in that situation, it's always a headache. But I can't help the burgeoning feeling of anger at this whole mess that we've seemingly landed in.

I'm trying, I'm really trying not to view it this way, but there's an increasing pile of material that's pointing it in the direction of actually being that kind of a mess. I so don't want to have to deal with an outside mess ontop of all of the domestic concerns and craziness that comes with raising a kid.

from teh interwebz

Leave a comment and tell me something you dislike about me that you would not normally tell me. In return I will:

A) tell you why I friended you,
B) associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.,
C) tell you something I like about you,
D) tell you a memory I have of you,
E) ask something I've always wanted to know about you,
F) tell you my favorite user pic of yours,
G) in return, you must post this in your LJ, but only if you want to.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

yeah, it's not LiveJournal and I don't exactly have a friends list going on, but I'm curious.

:)

We're almost done...

Well, sort of. We've got the boy's room taken care of. As soon as hubby has stuff hooked up for us to upload pictures to the interwebz, I'll post some of 'em up. I've actually found the floor around here beneath the boxes. I'm even beginning to find something of a kitchen around here.

I'll add more later, but right now I just wanted to let y'all know we've moved and are surviving.

Happy Birthday!

The person who's birthday is today will get the joke. :)

random stupidity from the internet.

I'm taking a break from packing and I've just got to post this because it made me crack up...

When Vin Diesel put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it."

Worst Wannabe Italian Restaurant Ever!

Restaurant: Biaggi's

Service: Excellent.

Wine: Ok. (They had my favorite wine, so I can't really mark 'em down for that and the selection of others was pretty good. Not too pricey either.)

Bread: Good/Ok. (The garlic bread was actually focaccia and rather excellent. There just wasn't enough of it in my opinion. The remainder of the bread basket was made up of what was untoasted bread for bruchetta. Not terribly tasty or exciting.)

Food: Terrible. I had a ceasar salad, the fettuccini with lobster, and a slice of their lemon tower cake.

The ceasar salad was passable at best. I don't know what is up with their house ceasar dressing but the flavor of anchovies overpowered the rest of the dressing. It would have almost been alright if it wasn't for the fact that their home made croutons consisted of toasted hunks of bread too big to bite easily and too hard to spear with a fork. On the plus side of the column, the lettuce wasn't wilted and they did put a generous serving of grated parmesan on top.

The fettuccini with lobster... well, that was a disaster of a mistake for me to order. One thing that I am is a pasta fanatic. I really do love well prepaired pasta and I enjoy trying new pasta dishes. I've had fettuccini before in various different dishes. Last I checked, it wasn't supposed to be like eating half dried out glue or a congealed block on the plate. The lobster... well, if I have food poisioning within the next 48 hours, we'll know the cause of it. I'm fairly sure that they use pre-cooked lobster, however. It was cold in the middle of the large peices and on the whole it was like eating torn up bits of a wet sponge that had been used to wash dishes that were once in contact with some sort of seafood.

The only redeeming part of this dish was the mushrooms tasted like mushrooms. They didn't go so far as to use the portabella mushrooms or even the baby 'bella ones. Nope, these were sauteed cheapie generic white mushrooms. I think, however, the most disappointing part of the dish was the alfredo sauce. Alfreado sauce is supposed to have some vauge resembelance of flavor, isn't it? This stuff didn't have any hint of flavor at all. The sauce was incredibly thin and I suspect not properly made to begin with. I figure this is another pre-cooked item and they probably poured it out of a jar. Even so, if I wanted my sauce to be thin, I'd just have told them to drizzel cream over it all. That'd even be thicker then the sauce that I had on my pasta, which was cold when the plate came out.

The lemon tower cake, thank the gods, wasn't a complete loss after the main entree of the night. The frosting was a butter cream frosting with far too much butter in it with an ungodly amount of whipped cream on the side. The cake itself, however, was excellent. This almost made up for the failure that was the rest of the meal. I suppose I was spoiled as a child by my Great-Aunt Eileen and her cakes. When you have real Italian lemon cake, however, you can't go back to this wet-sponge sawdust flavored monstrosity that is generally supposed to pass for an Italian lemon cake.

I did have a little demitasse of expresso. I was plesantly surprised that they got that right as well.

Seriously, it took everything I had in me not to demand that the manager bring out the cook so that I could upbraid both of them. The presentation of the food was lacking. This was compounded by the fact that it was generally unplatable. I think the only saving grace of the night was the excellent service of the wait staff. They were prompt and courteous. We left a generous tip for that because we really appreciated it. It made what could have been a nightmarish experience bearable.

Now, one may be wondering why I'd upbraid the manager and the cook. The manager would get it because I'm fairly sure the man would have taken offense to my reaction to the food. And I know the cook would have been embaressed and offended when I plainly laid out just how everything was screwed up. This place bragged that they had an excellent cook. They failed to back up that claim. When a farm girl from the middle of nowhere in Upstate NY knows how to make a better veal parmesan then a graduate of a culinary insitute, I think it's appropriate to light a few fires under a few asses.

I didn't, however, because I didn't want to embaress my husband as we were out to celebrate his birthday. The poor man was in the same boat I was in and too polite to rake 'em over the open coals either. At least his cup of coffee was decent and his chocolate cake was good.

Ugh!

I'm getting tired of packing. I'm getting close to being finished, thank goodness. All the same, however, this is tiring. Here's hoping the rest of the packing goes quickly. I'm also hoping that cleaning up this apartment here isn't going to be too much of a headache. :P I'm also not exactly looking forward to scrubbing the place we're moving into. Now, one may ask, why on earth am I going to be cleaning the new place up when we haven't even been there to make a mess in there yet?

It's fairly simple. My mother taught me to do so on the off chance that something may be not quite right with the place when you go to move in. Cleaning everything up gives you the opportunity to check everything over even as you're scrubbing. The same is true for cleaning up the apartment before you move out. It make it easier to find any damages that you may have accidentally caused and repair them. I'll be honest, I hope that the landlord doesn't tell us that he wants us to repaint the walls and patch up the holes from the nails holding up pictures. I rather dread the amount of work that goes into that.

On to a different topic: my son decided to get up on his hands and knees today. He was rocking back and forth on them in his crib almost running the crib into the wall. I think he's going to begin real crawling any day now. Goddess help me, but I honestly don't know if it's safe for him to do so with the apartment like it is right now. :P

I'd add more but it's growing late at night and I've a few more things to take care of before I go to bed. Like finding my side of the bed under my laundry. :P

Well, I just got a giggle and I had to share!

So, I decide to do what any other person with access to the interwebz and a question that needs answered would do.. looked it up on Google. I followed a link and found among the gems of wisdom, complaints and frustrations voiced, and cute little statements by other mothers the following. It made me crack up!

My daughter has just mastered Italian and French! Tonight she is preparing lobster bisque and some hand made gnocchi, (those little hands are perfect for rolling) and creme brulee for dessert. She turned 9 mo. yesterday and is absolutely better than all other babies out there.

This was a wonderful laugh and I had to share it with anyone who'd read it on my blog. :)

In a mood, perhaps it's the full moon?

My little man's been in an odd mood today. He alternates between fussy and happily playing. He's been all about the bottles, but he then decides he's done with 'em after a little bit. The biggest bit of exasperation that I feel right now, however, is his behavior over food.

I love the fact that he wants to feed himself. It's messy, but he's learning and he's doing an ok job (who knows, maybe he'll decide to use the spoon at some point too!). Some of his food, however, is too 'mushy' for him to pick up and put into his mouth. So, he gets fed by spoon by Momma, because he refuses to put the spoon in his mouth himself. (No, I'm not pushing it. I don't want to deal with roughly a week of temper-tantrums. I'll wait until we're in our new place.) He is getting mad about that spoon business, though.

He hasn't cut his teeth yet, but he wants food to chew up and eat. That right there makes things a little difficult to begin with. On top of that, he refused his nap this morning and then took an extra long nap this afternoon. I don't know what to make of this. He needs to eat but he doesn't want to eat unless it's a thing he can chew. What on earth do I do? I can't just give him zweibeck toast and cheerios for his meals until those teeth come in! It's not nutritious or healthy.

my mood...

I believe that it's well suited by the version of Toccatta and Fuge that is playing right now on the radio.

I can't really think of much more to say.

Decorating the kitchen & entry way.

I've finally got the opportunity to put up my blue and white curtains in the kitchen. The kitchen in our new apartment (they call it a townhouse, but I keep thinking apartment, does that make me a fool?) is woefully small compared to our current place. I'm still a bit giddy, however, because I love the idea of having those wonderful blue and white muslin curtains up in the window. We'll need to do something on the window that's to the front door, but I've enough fabric that I don't think it'll be a problem. I can whip up a fairly simple plain sheer white panel easily.

I don't think the management at the apartment complex is going to mind that terribly much. While the counter space is somewhat limited, it's actually quite good for the size of the kitchen. Right beside the kitchen is two closets. Apparently the larger one, that goes underneath the stairs up to the second floor (where the bedrooms and bathroom are) has been used in the past as a pantry of sorts. Looking in the space, I can turn it into a pretty nice pantry and storage area. If I play my cards right, I think I could even make it fairly easy to access the stored materials, despite how narrow the area is.

I'd like to put up on the door to the first closet, which is immediately across from the entry into the kitchen and right next to the front door, my little chalk board. On there, I can do things like put up my grocery list or the list of chores that needs done in a given day. I think it would do me a world of good. It is the door to the second closet that I'd like to turn into something useful and yet attractive. On the side that faces the inside of the closet, if I could, I would have a set of pockets, like a shoe bag. In there, I would put things like serving utensils that I don't typically need, an apron, hot mitts, and perhaps a few napkins and a table cloth.

The outside of the closet door, I would love to have something wonderfully useful and beautiful to look at. I don't like the thought of nothing but pockets on the outside of it. I want it to work with the living room area, though. That's moving away, however, from the kitchen. I just love the blue and white themes that I had in my old apartment before I got married. If I can, I'd like to put it to work in the kitchen again. Fortunately, my husband also liked that theme, a lot!

Hmm... so what do I do in the baby's room? (2)

I think I will put the circus/jungle/rain forest/zoo animal theme around his bed. We may as well work the fish concept in, as one of his new favorite toys is a fish themed thing for in his crib. It's kind of like a kick-n-play, it's the Ocean Wonders Musical Activity Mirror. At his crib, we've also got the rain forest themed mobile and a beautiful baby quilt with safari animals. I think we may need to surrender to the rain forest concept here, because that's the only way I see to work in the fish. After all, fish live in the rivers that are in the rain-forest, right?

If we were able to do murals or some other wall art, like the really nifty stencils out there, I'd put a little 'river' with palm trees on either side of it in the part of the room we are going to be putting the crib. As it stands, however, I need to think of something different to do there. I don't think I'm going to be making a wall hanging. I will be framing a little printed picture (well, actually an adorable gift bag) with a bunch of zoo animals on it and putting it up on the wall. I may draw or paint a large rain forest picture with the elements of the animals and fish together in it. This can then go up in that area. Perhaps I'll locate a little throw rug to put down beside the crib with the animals on it. I don't know.

We've got a small problem, however, with the teddy bear army. The teddy bears are of pretty much every size, shape, and about three different colors. There also is a blanket that I embroidered with teddy bears of all colors on it. Confining them to a basket isn't exactly the best idea because it doesn't do much for the beautification of the room. This said, I'm not entirely enthusiastic with the idea of making it difficult for him to access his toys either. My mother and my sister-in-law have both suggested rotating what toys are available. I really do like that concept. But how do I do this with the teddy bears?

I suppose the toy hammock is my friend in this case. We can put the toys he is not using in the hammock and put the toys that he would be using in the baskets on the baker's rack. I'd be remiss in saying that we have several baby blankets. There's quite a few beautiful handmade or other wise sentimental blankets that have been given to our little boy. He can't possibly use them all. I'm at a loss, however, for what to do with them. I suspect that they'll either be stacked in a neatly folded pile on the rack or put into a box in the closet. The embroidered teddy bear blanket and the crochet blanket that I made for him I don't exactly want to put into storage. But I don't really want to put the other blankets into storage. I suppose the baker's rack with them it is.

I've several wicker baskets that I can use on that baker's rack. I realize that I need to secure the rack to the wall so it doesn't get pulled down on top of my little darling, but I have a fleeting worry about the baskets I'll be putting on the rack. The lowest level of the rack is a large open space. I'll be putting the largest baskets there with his toys in them. The middle rack is about hip height on me and won't be entirely out of reach once this child starts walking. On there, I think I'll want to do something for holding some of his shoes and hats, as well as perhaps some of his books. If I make a fabric cushion that ties to the rack, perhaps it would work to keep things from falling thru the openings in it, and then I could store his books on there. I've got to admit, it would make life alot easier to do it that way.

I really like the shoe bags and the little canvas sweater holders that people have in their closets. It's had me considering making one of these for additional storage space in the closet. I think it could make keeping his diapers and the refills for the diaper wipes easier to deal with. We purchase those things in bulk and tend to have quite a few of them kicking around here at any given time. At the same time, I love the appeal of having those sturdy shelves that you can put up with those 'storage systems'. It's a tough debate. I suppose I should look at what the budget says we can do on that front and look at the space we've got to work with a bit better.

Hmm... so what do I do in the baby's room? (1)

Themes, themes, themes. The devil truly is in the details on this one. We've got a lot of stuff so far with just about every imaginable kind of animal (or so it feels). We tried for a somewhat unified theme of zoo animals but the split is between circus animals, jungle/rain-forest animals, and fish. We've got a pretty healthy representation of the Winnie-The-Pooh inspired toys and teddy bears as well.

There's a little Winnie-The-Pooh music box contraption that the boy loves to look at while he's getting changed. If we make the changing table area a Winnie-The-Pooh area, I think it will work somewhat well to contain some of that pastel and confectionery sugared material. We can hope, at least. Now, if the management at the apartment complex we're moving into says ok, I think I want to put up a few shelves on the wall above the changing table. I've a few reasons for this idea. First, I would really love to have a place to store some of this boy's toys that he doesn't use. Secondly, I'd be a lot more comfortable with the stuff for giving him a bath and all of that were in one location. As we will be a little bit pressed for space still in the bathroom, I know that we can't store all of it in there.

I've been having the thought of hanging his Winnie-The-Pooh blanket on the side of the changing table tickle at my brain for a little while now. I really don't know, however. If we orient the changing table so that the part that's not cosmeticly pleasing is against the wall, it opens up the shelves for him to ransack at any time. If the blanket is hung on the changing table, however, it makes for something he can grab and possibly pull the whole thing down on himself. Not good would be an understatement for that one, folks. So, what am I going to do with this? It's too nice of a blankie and it would really be inconsiderate of the meaning to it for me to turn it into a mat to be on the floor where I'd stand when I change him. Sure, it's theoretically possible, but it's a waste of a beautiful plush blankie.

We've got fantastic jungle/rain-forest/circus themed toys. This was the orginal theme that I wanted for the boy's room. His father just asked that it not be hideous and shared my distaste for the "baby = pastel" trend. So, I'd like to take the majority of the room and use this brightly colored theme. At the same time, however, we've got a small army of teddy bears to contend with. I am planning on using a wire baker's rack in the room for some storage space. I've some muslin lined wicker baskets that I think would make fantastic containers for holding some of his toys and books. I also think that it would be a wonderful way to put away his shoes and hats.

If it were possible, I'd use all of the potential themes as we have them. I don't know, however, if the room would look good with it being divided up by the different themes. As I consider it, I suppose it could be alright. The room is fairly large.

Wait... moving means decorating, doesn't it?

It occurred to me earlier as I was picking up the baby's toys off of the living room floor, he's going to have his own room. This means I can finally decorate with that animals theme we've got going! I'm not sure if I'll be able to find prints of pictures like this:



But it'd be pretty awesome if I could. :) I've realized that I need to make or buy curtains for his room and I think it may also be necessary for there to be a few things like shelves put up in the room as well. As I think about it, I realize that it could be pretty awesome in there with out an insane amount of work. Fortunately, I've got yards upon yards of fabric I can use.

While the landlord of our new apartment doesn't want us to put up wallpaper or repaint the walls, we can hang pictures. I need to check and make sure that putting up shelves isn't a problem. If not, then I can do things like make a few shelf liners that go along with the animal/jungle theme that we've got going on. I know that the living room is going to keep some of the Asian theme that we've had in here. I want to make things kid friendly, though, and incorporate some of that theme from the boy's room in there. I've been thinking about it and I'm just at something of a loss at the moment.

Perhaps if I try to arrange for a small 'downstairs' toybox or something else akin... Actually, I could make him a toy bin that could go with the open storage unit! If I either iron on or applique something Asian and animal related, it could work well. We've some carvings that my husband inherited from his maternal grandfather with a pheonix and a dragon on them. I'm pretty sure that I could put something on a red canvas bin with that on it. Our living room curtains are red and gold colored, with something of a brocade-ish pattern to them. It makes them blend somewhat well with the rest of the asian themed stuff. The wall art that we have up, however, is black fabric fans with painted birds on them in gold and a few other colors.

Hmm... I think I'm going to split this into different posts. I'll brainstorm here on my blog, giving all of you folks in the world something more plesant to read then my whining about local politics or how stressful moving could be.

Ugh. I hate packing.

On one hand, I'm thrilled that we've got our new place to be moving into. I think it's fantastic! At the same time, I hate packing because it depresses me. Looking around and seeing bare walls, empty shelves, and such makes me feel like my home has ceased to exist and I'm living in but a shelter.

Then, today, I feel the urge to smack myself silly because I feel this way as some friends of mine have no such things to be in boxes for them to trip over and curse when they stub their toe in the middle of the night. I'm torn between being depressed by seeing empty space where there was books, pictures, and other little things that catch the light and being angry with myself for feeling so upset.

Happy birthday, darling. :) (Yeah, it's early.)

---

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Here is your cake!

Happy birthday! we love you!

Your Wife & Son

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What on earth is wrong with people?

Before you read this blog entry, read the item at this link here. Now, I have a very simple question. It's a question that I would love to have any person who works in law enforcement help me answer, especially if they're in New York State.

Is my picture of my son chewing on his toes after a bath that I posted on my blog child pornography?

Now, before you answer this, I have one more question to ask:

Am I responsible for the reaction that some one viewing my blog has to this picture?

With sex and sexuality, there's a really wide range of things that people find exciting. There is the distinct possibility that some one who views the picture of my son says "Wow, that's hot!" and then engages in a bit of masturbation. I really don't see any form of logic that can hold me responsible for the reactions of others to this photo either because there's a few monstrously huge holes in the logic that some one would attempt to use here to argue this is child porn.

The logical test for culpability asks a few simple questions:
1. Did you know the outcome was going to happen?
2. Did you intend for the outcome to occur?
3. Could you have prevented the outcome from happening?
4. Did you cause the outcome to occur by actions or inaction on my part?

Well, if you apply this logic test to the question of some one using the picture of my son as inspiration for masturbation, what do you get?

1. Did I know that some one was going to use this picture as inspiration for masturbation?

I did not know that was going to happen. I recognized it as a possibility at the time I posted the picture, but determined it to be of a low probability of occurring.

2. Did I intend for some one to use this picture for that purpose?

No, my intention was not for this to occur, but rather to show accomplishments my son has made.

3. Could I have prevented some one from using this picture for that purpose?

Yes, if I had not made the picture available for the public to view.

4. Did I cause some one to use this picture for inspiration for masturbation by actions or inaction on my part?

No. This action was done on the part of the individual viewing the picture. I have no control over the decisions they make at any given time, as I do not have the capacity to force another person to act in any fashion when I am not in their presence or have sufficient leverage (be it real or perceived) to force them to choose a given course of action.

Now, perhaps some one may go so far as to say that any picture involving the nudity of a child qualifies as child porn when it is available for view within the public setting. If this is the decision that the law intends to make, all ads featuring naked babies need to be eliminated, the vast majority of classical paintings showing Jesus nude need to be locked away, and each and every other occurrence of child nudity needs to be removed. If you think about it, it turns into a rather ridiculous list. It ranges from ads for diapers to classical paintings, to stamps, all depictions of Cupid, and much, much more.

We also need to consider one other thing, just who is the arbiter of how a child is raised? Is the responsibility for the rearing of a child the domain of the parents or of the public? Once the government begins to dictate how I raise my child, they are stripping my child of privacy. No, that doesn't say it quite right...

It turns my child into public property. Until my child is of legal majority, it turns my child into as much an item of public property as the highway you drive your car on. What is worse in your mind? Is it worse for me to have a few pictures of my son just out of the bath chewing on his toes here on my blog or the precedent that my son is chattel? By the way, it doesn't just say that my son is chattel, but also would say that I and each and every other citizen is chattel. I am not a slave and I am not a serf. My liberty is not tied to the amount of debt I owe to anyone, thus I am not an indentured servant. For the law to establish that my son, a natural born citizen of this nation, is common property, is to deprive him of his liberty.

Men have fought and died for such rights to be preserved for their children. To disgrace the nation founded by these men by a few strokes of a pen and pat words about how it's for the 'sake of the children' is disgusting.

And people wonder why I am so disappointed by the government that we have and it's repeated refusal to do the right thing?

A Room of His Own

I've got to admit, I chuckled when I first heard the term 'man room' and 'man cave'. Now, I'm amused to see this item linked on the CNN main page. I am not laughing at the men who have taken it upon themselves to do this. I'm not laughing at that at all. It's the fact that such a simple thing is getting so much attention. I've been somewhat halfhearted about following this, but CNN has been spending a little time on this 'man cave' concept. It's a soft-news item that's actually been getting a fair amount of attention.

Here's what my thoughts are on a 'man room' (or it's brother concept the 'man cave'):

Everyone needs a space where they can go and lay claim on it as their own exclusive domain. When you live together, you find that you have times where you just need to get away from the other people who you are sharing that space with. A few generations back, that 'man room' was the den. Women generally had reign over the rest of the house as they were there more often and actively in charge of domestic affairs. Virginia Woolf pointed out that women also needed a private space, but I can't recall if there was any real social change effected, unless the parlor, which was generally used for entertaining guests, was used for that purpose.

To everyone who insists that it is insensitive of a man to demand breathing space and something of a sanctuary of his own within his home, you're all fools. What on earth is he supposed to do? If he wants to relax and have time just to himself is he supposed to go sit in the car? Are we denying people the comfort and respite of their homes because all of the space is to be shared?Let the men have their 'man room' and let women have their own special room. If it's possible to make happen, do it. If you can't, then make a section of a room that person's sole domain.

It may drive you crazy and irritate the living daylights out of you to have that picture of dogs playing poker up on the wall there. It may even make you mad how he leaves candy wrappers on his desk and that you can never find anything there. That, however, is his problem. Let him have his own space and privacy. It shows respect for the man in your life. Taking time like that allows him the opportunity to 'recharge' and bring more of himself back to the relationship. It's healthy.

I recognize, healthy isn't popular. Perhaps it's time to buck the trend and do what's best for your well being, folks, because I think things like this are the reason why my marriage is healthy.

Restless thoughts.

Sometimes, when everything is quiet, I feel unsettled. Sometimes, it's as though there are things inside my head vying to get out, but writing and artistic efforts never are quite enough. It once was that writing helped and I could just pour this all out on the page. It did work at one point in time, and the lives that I lived inside my head just were translated to written word and didn't seem to cause so much pressure.

I was happier when I was younger, in some ways, because I didn't censor it. I didn't struggle to keep it all inside and make it still. Daydreams weren't exactly a bad thing, even if I was trying to get things done. It was acceptable for me to have flights of fancy, because I was a child. It made it easier to cope with the disparate things that were inside my mind. Stories that I wrote were just wearing a different mask and putting the things attached to it down on paper.

Recently, I thought... I thought that it would be terrifying if I were to have been laboring under the effects of MPD for all these years with out any diagnosis. All those things I kept quiet and bottled up inside me as best I could. Those thoughts that ranged from contemplating murders to actually seeing myself in a different place, a different life. I kept those things quiet and inside my head unless I expressed them on paper. Then, as I began to learn about MPD, I discovered that really wasn't my situation.

It could perhaps work, in some fashion or way, to expunge the build up of tension and stress in me to do so, but I would lose something in the process. I'll deal with the whispers inside my head until I need to experience a splitting or a break like that. I came close to needing it, but I managed to pull thru without it some how. I don't know where I am on the path of owning and mastering myself, but I don't believe that allowing myself to shatter like that will serve me well.

For some people, such a sundering of themselves works quite well. They find it to be a source of empowerment and liberation. I believe that I need to find my empowerment and liberation elsewhere. Until I am at a place where I don't wake up in the morning afraid that all that is good in my life is either a lie or going to be swept away by a capricious and sadistic act of God, I will continue with my mantra regarding pain.

• What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
• Thru pain, I am purified.
• I am stronger then fear, misery, or pain.
• My will shall prove greater then any emotion that comes over me.

Sure, this isn't exactly comforting and it's hard as hell to remember. It is, however, what I have learned thru my life thus far.

Thoughts on Love.

I blogged a bit about this at one point a while back into the past, I think. If I've covered this ground already, I apologize if I bore you by doing so again.

Love is a funny thing. It can inspire wonders and things of great beauty. It can inspire horrors and things of great tragedy. Love truly is a powerful emotion, perhaps almost enough to call a force of nature. I'm not sure, as I don't know how the minds of other creatures work to say if the love or love as we humans do. It's hard enough to determine if other people love, so I'm not going to attempt to move beyond my species to understand that. And we're not even touching any theological elements, look at my other blog for that line of thought please. :)

I can't exactly do anything in half measures. Love is one of them. And I've come to recognize that we can't exactly control our emotions very well. If we're going to feel something, we can control how we respond to it and how we act with respect to the feeling, but we can't generally turn that off. Love as a very powerful emotion, is particularly difficult to mute or step away from and act with any sense of reason when you are caught in the grips of it's full force.

All of this said, we need to always remember that we can not control who or how our heart loves. I struggled with that for years. Then... somewhere along the way I realized that I was doing myself an enormous disservice and denying a huge part of myself.

It's somewhat terrifying to realize just how deeply this part of me touches the rest of my life. It is perhaps equally terrifying to realize that all those years of attempting to deny my capacity to love beyond the typical relationships of family and spouse, I was struggling to choke out something that is such an essential part of who I am.

I do love my friends as my family. There are people whom I hold in affection as deep as that which I have for my husband. There are people whom I would die for and people whom, more importantly and more challenging, whom I would live for. I don't know if that makes me polyamorous. It's confusing. I do know that the people whom I love I am loyal to as the day is long.

This makes me extremely forgiving and tolerant in areas that I wouldn't usually be so. And when I finally am pushed to where I need to act, it hurts deeply. Right now, I am hurting deeply because I had to take action against someone whom I cared for a great deal. I feel betrayed, furious, and wounded by the progression of years of mistreatment from that person. It has been quite a while since I had to distance myself, but it still hurts quite a bit. The thing that hurts the most right now, however, is realizing that they never did love me in return. And, as I work on packing up things in my home, I stumble onto items that were from that person and that served as a reminder of my affection for them.

I still do love them. But I know I can not be around them, because they have hurt me in the past and will do so in the future. This is so different from the other person who I was beginning to feel something of a deep affection for and then they hurt me. That person, I've been able to cleanly break that tie. But... the person whom I loved for years and had hurt me and broken my heart over those years... I don't know how to break that tie cleanly and I don't know what would serve to cauterize this wound.

*yawn*

I want to sleep but I want to get stuff done.

Isn't it always this way? :P

Sleep has not been my friend of late.

I have been having strange nightmares, like the one I posted on my other blog, pretty much every night. Sometimes, I don't have a nightmare. But, that's been the exception rather then the rule over the last month and I'm getting sick of it. It seems like every day, I have a headache and I'm tired from a poor nights sleep. When night comes, I dread falling asleep, so I've recently been staying up. Going to bed at 1 am doesn't exactly make for a good morning when my boy wakes up at 7 am or even 6:30 am.

I don't remember these nightmares that clearly, but I thought with the search and drama surrounding locating a new apartment resolved, I may have my nightmares go away. I was wrong. So, now, I don't know what to do. The nights where I take something to help me fall asleep, I don't generally remember the nightmares. I just wake feeling uneasy. It's getting harder for me to fall asleep, this is part of the reason why I stay up as well. The slightest noise wakes me up and if there's just a little bit of light, I can't fall asleep. It was bothering me to such an extent that I unplugged my alarm clock because it's too bright.

I've been using a "sleep mask" and it helps, sort of. Earplugs have never done me much good, they just don't stay in my ears. So, I toss and turn a fair amount before I do finally fall asleep. I'm at something of a loss for what to do about this. I don't exactly want to talk to my doctor about it because I'm pretty sure that all of this is anxiety related. For some odd reason, I just can't stop worrying about money. We've got enough to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, so it's not that we're hurting. Sure, we can't go spend it like we did before the baby came along, but that's part of what we knew was going to happen when I got pregnant. We were prepared for that. Or at least, I thought that I was.

Now... Now, I don't know what my issue is. Perhaps I need to stop watching the news so much. Perhaps I need to stop talking to my folks about money, as they're getting into another paranoid fit again. It's not like I am convinced that the economy is going to fail tomorrow. And if it did, sitting on a pile of money isn't going to do us any good. After all, when the Deutchmark failed back before WWII, it took a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread. I find myself wondering how much of this fiscal trouble that we're seeing is caused by the media freaking out over it. At the same time, however, I recognize that we didn't do our economy any good by shifting away from being based in real goods and manufacturing. A service based economy and a trade deficit isn't going to really help you build wealth unless you're at the top of the pyramid. Because I think that the whole service based economy is alot like a pyramid scheme.

The whole system sucks, and I'm working in that sector right now. I don't know if I'm a fool or not. I think I'm going to just stop rambling for now and go wash dishes. That's a real, concrete problem for me to deal with. And after that, I'll wash my hair while I've got a little peace and quiet before the boy is up from his nap. Perhaps, with luck, I won't feel quite so anxious later.

Images speak louder then words, in this case.

View this prior to reading this post.

Before you click that link, let me warn you, it's Amnesty International's newest anti-torture advertisement. It's NSFW and graphic.

I've got a problem with torture being used to get information out of people. I've got a big problem with the fact that my government, the United States of America, is currently engaged in it. I recognize, Amnesty International is appealing to the emotions of the viewer with the format and setup of this commercial. I can't however, say that this should be discredited because of that or that it should be discredited because it is not a depiction of an actual waterboarding session.

As a BDSM aficionado, I realize that waterboarding has been around for a while. I recognize that in some contexts, this and other torture techniques can be used in a non-injurious fashion. So, the question is not if the practice of waterboarding itself is abhorrent. It's a question as to if torture as a mode of interrogation is abhorrent. I think one can add also the question if torture used as a punitive measure is abhorrent as well.

Perhaps because I am not an expert, or some how otherwise well placed to say with any authority on the topic, my stance here is going to be disregarded. Perhaps, I'm sad to say, my stance would have been ignored anyways. After all, I am but one person in a nation of many and I am in the middle-lower end of the economic spectrum. We all know "he who has the gold rules" and such. All of this said, I still have to say my piece, again, on this topic.

Torture is wrong as a punitive measure and as a mode of interrogation. If it were consensual and all parties involved were willing participants in all stages of the planning and enactment, with provisions made for the care of any accidental injury, this entire situation would be different. Safety, however, is not a primary concern when torture is applied as a punishment or as a tool to pry information out of someone. And I am quite sure that all parties are not consensually involved in the planning or enactment of this, especially the subject of the action.

There's alot of reasons why I can describe as to how torture is wrong to use for these instances. I've gone over them in the past, as well as the emotional appeal against torture. I can't say anything more then the images of that video I've linked to, however. And I doubt that my meager words fail to convey the injustice of this practice used as a punishment or tool of coercion when they're compared to the sound of the scene at 1min 9 sec.

If this is the sound of a man who consensually entered into this situation, assured of his safety and knowing that this was the extent of what would occur; what of the one who is subjected to this under duress and doesn't know if he is going to be drowned or if something worse is going to happen when they finish?

Spread the link, make people aware of it and ask the question:

Why are we condoning this with our silence?

from the interwebz...

i'm bored... so sue me.


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