It has been a rough couple of weeks. I'm mild-moderately depressed. All of the cleaning I have done has fallen into disrepair in record time. And, to top it off, I fell up a flight of stairs today while I was getting the kids out to the bus this morning. My right side hurts but I don't think I injured much more than my pride. Seriously, who the hell falls up stairs? Me, apparently.
I'm trying to stay focused and get things done but it's been really hard. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm still getting 8 hours of sleep but it's not deep and restful sleep. As a result, I am a zombie in the morning and through about half of the day. Last week was particularly fun because Snuggle Bug had a misadventure over the weekend and scratched his eye. I got him in to see my new eye doctor. The prognosis was good, his eye was healing from a shallow scratch and the doctor was confident that he'd be fine by Friday. Then I had to schedule another eye exam for myself because the machine malfunctioned when I had the last exam. That ate up Thursday morning and then the afternoon hit and I was busy with the kids.
Monday was phone call day trying to make arrangements to get Snuggle Bug seen. Tuesday was his eye appointment and him spending the afternoon with me trying to screw around instead of doing school work. Wednesday I felt awful and barely had energy to get anything done. Thursday was, well, as I described it above. By Friday, I was just 10000 percent done with everything. I felt like I couldn't accomplish anything. I had watched pretty much all of the cleaning I had done fall apart before my eyes because I have kids. And the weekend was trying to get the kids to clean their room before juggling the groceries that Beloved had gotten before he had to leave and run more errands. Sunday was busy with family business. Then today happened.
I feel like garbage emotionally. I really stuck my foot in my mouth today when I was chatting with Beloved and that doesn't help much. He isn't mad at me, but I am mad at myself because I was an insensitive idiot in how I phrased things. I feel like I'm just not going to be successful in getting this place clean despite how hard I work. I feel like I am going to make zero progress on my personal projects because I am trying to juggle a ton of housework that the kids undo right behind me as I go along. (Legos, legos everywhere.) And my brain chemistry is telling me that everything's awful. At the same time, my trauma memories are popping up like mushrooms over a corpse because apparently some part of my brain decided that now is the time to process these things. This is probably why I am not getting good sleep right now, my brain is cranking overtime trying to process the horrors I grew up with.
And my Keen business is suffering because of this. I logged on only for an hour last week. My goal is 1pm to 4:30pm every Monday through Friday. I was on Monday. For an hour. That was it. My writing has been suffering because I just haven't been getting any of it done. It has me seriously questioning if I should even attempt Camp NaNoWriMo this April. I honestly don't know what to do. I keep expecting for everything to go sideways like it did last year as stuff is opening up around the country and people are putting pressure on Governor Cuomo. Sure, it looks like Beloved and I are eligible for the Moderna vaccine (that's the one being offered in our region) but I don't know if we're going to find time to do it. And I have a bit of panic over going out and doing stuff (even with the premise that being vaccinated will make it safer) because I've been stuck inside this damn apartment for functionally a year. This has not helped my social phobia.
So, yeah, I'm not doing great right now. Here's hoping my brain chemistry will straighten itself out in the near future and that my right side will let me catch up on some of my housework this week.
No comments:
Post a Comment