This business of my sleep not being sufficient despite getting around 8 hours of sleep every night is really wearing on me. I'm not sure what the solution to it is. I'm pretty sure that I'm having nightmares and that's the problem. I have a lot of unresolved issues surrounding 2010-2011 and the experiences that went with my postpartum depression. I think they're popping up because the anxieties that I had during that year are running around at the back of my head. It's hard.
I'm afraid to write about it because I'm afraid that someone is going to use my words as evidence to try to take my kids from me. Not writing about it, I feel as though I'm going crazy because this anxiety is rattling around constantly. It's making it hard to sleep for reasons that I can't fully express. I've been struggling with fear of sleep again. Those two facts are the basis, aside from my deep and overwhelming sense of exhaustion in the morning, that I conclude that I am not sleeping well or getting down in to deep and restorative sleep. I'm going to be bringing it up with my psychiatrist when I talk to him next week. I hate having complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It messes with everything.
There's a teacher at the school who is in the process of turning herself into a problem (as I mentioned in my previous posts). This is part of what is triggering my ptsd. At the same time, I am angry. I am concerned at the IEP meeting in April that they're going to try to use my disability as an argument to change the IEPs of both kids. I am equally concerned that they're going to use the findings from the psychiatric evaluation that was done of Cuddle Bear to change his IEP to mainstream him and kick out the academic supports he has in place right now. They're making noises about pulling Suggle Bug out of speech therapy. I don't fully understand why.
Snuggle Bug has a difficult time using parts of speech correctly. It's a marked difference compared to others. We're regularly correcting him on pronouns and tenses for verbs. I'm going to ask them in the IEP meeting if this is something that he was supposed to be working on with his speech therapist or his teacher. And then, if it is a thing for the teacher, I'm going to ask why we're not seeing progress. Same question for the speech therapist if it is their wheelhouse. Beloved is talking about taking the day off to sit in on the meeting.
A lot of this is hurry up and wait for the write up from the psychological evaluation to arrive. When I signed the consent for Snuggle Bug to be evaluated, the form did not say that his teacher or any administrator was going to be present for the meeting. I'm questioning the ethics and legality of their presence in that zoom meeting last week. I have to ask some questions of my psychiatrist regarding the evaluation of minors and who is permitted to be present when it happens. Because, when the school requests a physical evaluation of a student's physical fitness for their gym classes or sports activities, the gym teacher isn't permitted to be present. I want to know who the person who was identified by the string of numbers on the screen during that zoom meeting was. If it was the school psychologist, that's not a problem. If it was the CSE chair for the middle/high school, I'm questioning it.
I don't even know if I am doing the right thing right now with all of this. There's a lot of questions up in the air and I don't have any good answers. I hate IEP season because as we get farther along in the schooling, things get more complicated. I feel like I don't know enough to be in these meetings and properly advocate for my kids. And I don't necessarily trust the rando parent representative who could get picked to help with the process because I can see them pressuring me to just agree with what the school says.
Beloved is optimistic that this whole situation is a case of the one teacher taking stuff out of context and creating a mess. I hope that he's right. And I hope that this mess doesn't screw over my kids. It all makes me wish that I had the spoons and brain power to home school the kids. Because it was exhausting and maddening, but we didn't have to deal with people being asinine over the kids having active imaginations.
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