NaBloPoMo 27

One thing I can say about NaBloPoMo is that it gets my post count up on here. It sort of gets me back to daily blogging on here, which I did more of when I was employed. Right now, I'm super anxious about the holidays. I have nothing made for people. I want to do something special for the 13 days of yule. I want to go out to the yule party that my friends are having. But so much is getting in the way. Most of it being psychological stuff on my part. I've become afraid to go away from home where I have everything I need to manage my diabetes stuff. I've become afraid to drive at night because my eyes have become more light sensitive due to my medications and my diabetes. That makes my night vision even more horrid, and it wasn't that great to begin with.

I miss my friends but my anxiety tells me that I have nothing of value to say in any conversations and that I shouldn't even bother with social media. I am still going no contact with the majority of my side of the family, which is depressing. At the same time, there's enough toxicity there from certain relatives to make those gatherings as safe as playing in radioactive waste. I keep feeling guilty for this. I know that going no contact was a hard decision. I changed my mind for a period while my grandparents were dealing with end of life stuff. Or should I say, my familial dead harassed me until I did so by insisting "the family needs you".

Now we're looking at things like how to help Beloved's parents in the event of end of life complications. It's kicking up a lot of complicated feelings. The hardest part is the waves of guilt that I feel that I am not doing any of this for my parents. But things are ... complicated there. And we simply don't have the spoons to handle that complicated mess on top of everything else going on in our lives.

I have seasonal affective disorder on top of bipolar. The Vraylar has done wonders for keeping my mood stable with the bipolar. But the seasonal affective disorder is really kicking me in the head right now. Throw in the guilt for decisions I've made to protect my family from the toxicity of my birth family and the anxiety that I have over communicating with people on anything deeper than a surface level right now... well, let's just say that Thanksgiving is going to suck for more reasons than the fact that I won't be able to eat most of what's on the table. (Which makes me depressed as well. I just can't win on this front.)