I am weary and yet I have so much I need to do. There is just not enough time in the day. I know exactly why I am so damn tired. It is a side effect of one of my psychiatric medications. It just happens to be the one keeping my mood relatively stable right now, so I can't exactly skip it. I'm am feeling cold and kinda miserable right now. I confess, I took a break in the middle of writing this to take a half hour nap. I'm a little less weary right now. But I can't stand how cold I feel. I'm tempted to turn up the thermostat but that's just a silly idea.
So, I have a blanket across my lap and I'm wearing one of my warm sweaters. I'd say that I am going to get some benefit from drinking my coffee, but that has gone cold. I hate being cold. It reminds me of how I could never get warm in the winter in my parents' house because the place was so drafty. I got another haircut Saturday. I didn't go quite as short last time. I think, however, after this cut, I am going to allow my hair to grow out long again. There's more grey in my hair than there was at the last haircut. Beloved says that it's likely due to stress.
I am not sure how I feel about the grey hair when I have friends who haven't any and are the same age. It makes me feel like I look older than I really am. In my seasonal depressed state, I find myself thinking about opportunities lost and friendships that have fallen by the wayside. I look back and find myself yearning for when I was in my 20s. I was healthier in a number of ways. I was more social. I don't know how to recapture that. Because there's literally nothing stopping me except myself from being more social and getting more exercise.
It's not laziness but social phobia (which has gotten worse over the last few years), a screwed up sleep cycle due to bipolar and seasonal affective disorder, and executive function issues because of all of the above. It doesn't help that I keep comparing myself to other people who don't have these things on their plate to deal with and going "I should be able to do this. I should be able to power through and get that daily exercise done and still stay on top of all of my other things."
My weight is stable at 180 but my pants size is not the same as it was two years ago and I was at this weight. I think the fact that my pants size is smaller means that I have gained muscle. I want to drop somewhere between twenty and thirty pounds over the next year. That's roughly one and a half to two and a half pounds lost per month. I know that when I was in my 20s, I had a job that had me walking 4 miles every day round trip to and home. Beloved's noted that approximately 5k is three trips down to the far stop light and back. I am considering taking up a walking regimen that's more like what Beloved did as he started training for that big run a few years back. Part of my problem is I get bored. In the dead of winter, I am not going to be able to bring my spinning or my knitting to keep me entertained as I walk. And it will be cold out.
It will be the dead of winter when I start this. When the kids go back to school after winter break, I'm going to start walking while they're at school. No one shovels the single sidewalk that we have here. So, I will definitely be wearing my hiking boots and probably using a walking stick to navigate the frequent icy spots along the way. I'd go over to the park but I'm fairly sure that the grounds crew are not shoveling the paths then. I suppose I'll find out when I get over there.
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