NaBloPoMo 30

I did it. I made it to the end of the month posting every day on here. I feel like most of what I was posting was pointless rambling. This blog, however, is not focused on promoting books or something else like that. I'm going to attempt to keep up the daily posts. Now, however, I have to start coming up with titles. Because NaBloPoMo ends today. That's going to be the hard part.

The kids are playing and talking RIGHT behind me and they keep getting louder. It is exceedingly annoying. I'm doing my light therapy right now. I feel like changing the type font on this post is making it easier to read. I think I may need to schedule an appointment with my optometrist because the default font setting is getting hard for me to read with out my reading glasses. And the laptop is sitting at a distance where my reading glasses shouldn't be necessary.

I don't know what to write on this blog. I've been depressed and anxious. That is improving somewhat with medication and this light therapy stuff. But I find myself feeling like I have nothing of value to post here for y'all to read. So, I go quiet for long stretches of time. NaBloPoMo was an attempt to fix that.

I'm trying to reestablish the habit of blogging daily across all of my blogs. Having my brain telling me that it is a worthless effort and nothing but vanity makes that pretty hard. NaNoWriMo was another attempt to reestablish the habit of working on my books on a daily basis. That's just gone off the rails. The goal for NaNoWriMo is to write a story that is 50k words long. I'm almost at 101k words long and the story has no end in sight. I'm going to keep working on this in an effort to actually finish the damn story. But I think I'm going to take a break from it for a little bit.

The holidays have just begun and I have things I want to do for them. I want to get the kids each a little chocolate advent calendar. I want to do the 12 days of yule with them. And I want to find away to do some manner of small gifts every day of yule for my husband as well. I'm just stumped as to what to do.

Typing this up in the Courier font is very nostalgic for me. It brings up memories of using a typewriter. It reminds me of the countless term papers I wrote in college. It reminds me of the first book I ever wrote. I have some fondness for this type font. Not everyone uses it. It is somewhat dated. Times New Roman has become the standard blog and web page font. I think, however, I am going to start using Courier on this blog at least because it is easier for me to read.

NaBloPoMo 29

I don't know what to write at the moment. I am tired. It's almost seven in the morning and I am doing my light therapy. I'm not the biggest fan of this. I feel like I am just wasting time sitting here with the lamp on. I am tired and I want to go sleep. At the same time, I don't think I will have a better opportunity than now to do my blog posting. Thanksgiving was yesterday and we went to Beloved's parents' house. It was good to see everybody. Food still caused me some angst but I had brought a dish that was diabetic friendly and was careful not to eat too much.

NaBloPoMo 28

Here's some music I have been listening to as I have been working on my novel:

Heilung (random stuff from their top listener picks)
Helisir  (random stuff from their top listener picks)
Peter Gundry's Volur album
Medieval Ambient playlist on Spotify
The Chieftains' The Best of the Chieftains album
My Writing playlist on Spotify
Wardruna (random stuff from their top listener picks)

NaBloPoMo 27

One thing I can say about NaBloPoMo is that it gets my post count up on here. It sort of gets me back to daily blogging on here, which I did more of when I was employed. Right now, I'm super anxious about the holidays. I have nothing made for people. I want to do something special for the 13 days of yule. I want to go out to the yule party that my friends are having. But so much is getting in the way. Most of it being psychological stuff on my part. I've become afraid to go away from home where I have everything I need to manage my diabetes stuff. I've become afraid to drive at night because my eyes have become more light sensitive due to my medications and my diabetes. That makes my night vision even more horrid, and it wasn't that great to begin with.

I miss my friends but my anxiety tells me that I have nothing of value to say in any conversations and that I shouldn't even bother with social media. I am still going no contact with the majority of my side of the family, which is depressing. At the same time, there's enough toxicity there from certain relatives to make those gatherings as safe as playing in radioactive waste. I keep feeling guilty for this. I know that going no contact was a hard decision. I changed my mind for a period while my grandparents were dealing with end of life stuff. Or should I say, my familial dead harassed me until I did so by insisting "the family needs you".

Now we're looking at things like how to help Beloved's parents in the event of end of life complications. It's kicking up a lot of complicated feelings. The hardest part is the waves of guilt that I feel that I am not doing any of this for my parents. But things are ... complicated there. And we simply don't have the spoons to handle that complicated mess on top of everything else going on in our lives.

I have seasonal affective disorder on top of bipolar. The Vraylar has done wonders for keeping my mood stable with the bipolar. But the seasonal affective disorder is really kicking me in the head right now. Throw in the guilt for decisions I've made to protect my family from the toxicity of my birth family and the anxiety that I have over communicating with people on anything deeper than a surface level right now... well, let's just say that Thanksgiving is going to suck for more reasons than the fact that I won't be able to eat most of what's on the table. (Which makes me depressed as well. I just can't win on this front.)

NaBloPoMo 26

I am weary and yet I have so much I need to do. There is just not enough time in the day. I know exactly why I am so damn tired. It is a side effect of one of my psychiatric medications. It just happens to be the one keeping my mood relatively stable right now, so I can't exactly skip it. I'm am feeling cold and kinda miserable right now. I confess, I took a break in the middle of writing this to take a half hour nap. I'm a little less weary right now. But I can't stand how cold I feel. I'm tempted to turn up the thermostat but that's just a silly idea.

So, I have a blanket across my lap and I'm wearing one of my warm sweaters. I'd say that I am going to get some benefit from drinking my coffee, but that has gone cold. I hate being cold. It reminds me of how I could never get warm in the winter in my parents' house because the place was so drafty. I got another haircut Saturday. I didn't go quite as short last time. I think, however, after this cut, I am going to allow my hair to grow out long again. There's more grey in my hair than there was at the last haircut. Beloved says that it's likely due to stress.

I am not sure how I feel about the grey hair when I have friends who haven't any and are the same age. It makes me feel like I look older than I really am. In my seasonal depressed state, I find myself thinking about opportunities lost and friendships that have fallen by the wayside. I look back and find myself yearning for when I was in my 20s. I was healthier in a number of ways. I was more social. I don't know how to recapture that. Because there's literally nothing stopping me except myself from being more social and getting more exercise.

It's not laziness but social phobia (which has gotten worse over the last few years), a screwed up sleep cycle due to bipolar and seasonal affective disorder, and executive function issues because of all of the above. It doesn't help that I keep comparing myself to other people who don't have these things on their plate to deal with and going "I should be able to do this. I should be able to power through and get that daily exercise done and still stay on top of all of my other things."

My weight is stable at 180 but my pants size is not the same as it was two years ago and I was at this weight. I think the fact that my pants size is smaller means that I have gained muscle. I want to drop somewhere between twenty and thirty pounds over the next year. That's roughly one and a half to two and a half pounds lost per month. I know that when I was in my 20s, I had a job that had me walking 4 miles every day round trip to and home. Beloved's noted that approximately 5k is three trips down to the far stop light and back. I am considering taking up a walking regimen that's more like what Beloved did as he started training for that big run a few years back. Part of my problem is I get bored. In the dead of winter, I am not going to be able to bring my spinning or my knitting to keep me entertained as I walk. And it will be cold out.

It will be the dead of winter when I start this. When the kids go back to school after winter break, I'm going to start walking while they're at school. No one shovels the single sidewalk that we have here. So, I will definitely be wearing my hiking boots and probably using a walking stick to navigate the frequent icy spots along the way. I'd go over to the park but I'm fairly sure that the grounds crew are not shoveling the paths then. I suppose I'll find out when I get over there.

NaBloPoMo No. 25

Linen stitch (crochet)

Starting chain: 30 stitches + 2

Row 1: Skip first stitch, single crochet into second stitch, chain one. Skip next stitch. Single crochet into fourth stitch. *Chain one. Skip next stitch. SC into following stitch.* Repeat * across the row, ending on a single crochet stitch. Chain two.

Row 2 - ?: Skip first stitch. SC into chain space. *Chain one. SC into chain space.* Repeat * across the row. Final SC into the loop made by the two chain stitches from turning last row. Chain two.

Repeat row 2 until piece is as long as desired. If a wider or narrower piece is desired, starting chain must be a multiple of 2 plus the 2 chain stitches for turning your work.

Final row: Work row 2 as per usual. Bind off at final SC in the loop made by the turning chain from the previous row.

This stitch works up on plain yarn looking somewhat woven in effect. With variegated yarns it is possible to get something like an argyle pattern out of the color pooling effects.

NaBloPoMo 24

I'm bored. I just am unable to wrap up plot lines and get this story to a satisfactory conclusion. I'm at 90 k words (that's 132 pages) and I just got to one of my major plot points that I had planned. I am again at this point where I feel like I'm just churning out word vomit and no story. I am dreading going on social media because I don't know what to say. I am still depressed but I have a little more energy. I don't know if that means this light therapy stuff is working or not. This is also the week of Thanksgiving and there's a whole lot of stuff surrounding it that is just painful.

I am dreading this week.

NaBloPoMo 23

Thanksgiving break is in four days. I am not prepared. The kids want to go visit cousins and I'm having a hard time getting a hold of people. I just wish that Thanksgiving wasn't a thing this way I didn't have to worry about what food I can eat and if I make a special dish for myself that everyone's going to love it and I get a few bites at best of what I had planned to eat for my carb load for that meal.

I am struggling to keep up with housework. Some of this is my seasonal affective disorder. Some of this is my attempting to finish a novel this month. Most of it is the fact that I look at the sheer volume of housework that needs done, this meme has been my brain. I'm exhausted and depressed. I just don't have the spoons for everything I want to do and I don't know how I'm going to get any handmade yule presents done this year. I have been struggling for ideas. I hate to say it,but I think this is going to be a year where we are buying.

NaBloPoMo 22

Basic knit scarf:

Cast On 30 stitches.

Knit three rows.

*Wrong Side: Knit three stitches, purl twenty four stitches, knit three stitches.

Right side: Knit all stitches.*

Repeat * until desired length. 

Knit three rows. Bind off knit-wise.

NaBloPoMo 21

Election season started early this year. The field looks like garbage. So, here's another option for you to consider. Pyromaniac cows.

NaBloPoMo 20

So, there's controversy in the Filianic community. I weighed in and now there are figures backpedaling and saying that I have taken what they said out of context. I suppose it was a matter of time until this happened. I kicked over a rock and all things come skittering out. I'm weighing how to respond.

I don't know why this keeps happening. I get involved with a community. At some point some hoity-toity garbage gets spewed and I can't help but respond. It's a visceral 'wait a second, that's weapons grade bullshit going on" response. At the same time, I've gotten an anonymous question in my ask box inquiring if my position on TERFs (trans-exclusive radical feminists) remains the same. I have a feeling that my "down to earth" style of communication may wind up with my getting asked to leave the community.

I am of a bad feeling that this is going to go like the last time I got involved with a "organized" group of witches. Someone says something that sets off my bullshit radar. I speak up. They get into a collective snit because I called out someone that they decided was above being called out. And I either get booted from the group or the situation becomes hostile enough that I just leave so I don't have to deal with their shenanigans.

There were people, back when the TERFs matter initially came up a few months ago, who tried to argue that we should be tolerant of TERFs. I blasted that argument to pieces with scripture quotes and logic. This time around, it was logic and a linguistics lesson. I'm sorry, but when their sources say that the term "lady" means "loaf kneader" and "lord" means "loaf warder", I have to correct that. I love the English language too much to let that slide.

NaBloPoMo 19

It is a cruel and bitter irony that yesterday, I woke up feeling rested and ready to take on the world, whereas today I am exhausted. I forgot to take my evening medications on Sunday. I woke up several times in the night, had some surreal dreams that I couldn't quite chalk up as nightmares but just confusing, and laid there worrying about some of the most random things before I fell a sleep Sunday. Last night, I woke up a couple times but I slept most of the night. And here I am, ready to crawl back into bed and sleep.

I hate these damn pills. I hate that I need them to function. I hate the guilt I feel for taking them and questioning if I am a 'druggie' for it. Being a 'druggie' was being one of the lowest of all people in the eyes of my parents. They didn't care if you legitimately needed the medication. They tried to talk me out of vaccinating my children because of how entrenched their loathing of medication has become over the years.

NaBloPoMo 18

I'm out of coffee. It is a bit before 7:30 am and I'm doing my light therapy thing. I think I have figured out the correct angle for this thing not to be causing my eyes a lot of grief. My eldest child is off at school and it is almost time for us to go out and wait for the bus for my youngest child. My NaNoWriMo story still has no title because I wasn't able to think of a good one. I'm up to 70k for my word count. This thing is going to probably end up somewhere in the range of 100k when I finally get it done.

NaBloPoMo 17

So, I finally have my planner for this month set up. We're only half way through the month. Not a big deal, right? I have done nothing with my writing bullet journal. I have done very little journal writing. I have been focused on NaNoWriMo in an attempt to just finish one damn story. I am getting frustrated with it because it is taking me so long to get through plot development points. It's like playing a game and you don't get to choose to take the side quests or continue on the main quest, you automatically take every side quest.

It is almost as mentally fatiguing as trying to figure out the right way to finish book seven. This thing I'm working started as fan fiction. It has turned into gods only know what now. I think that working on this is giving me ideas for how to solve some of my book seven problems.

I'm not a big fan of this light therapy lamp but I'm using it anyways with the hope that it will do some good for me. It still gives me a mild headaches and makes my eyes unhappy.  After using it, I don't come away from the experience feeling energized and ready to take on the day. I find myself tired, still, and ready to take a nap. It makes me wonder if I am using this thing right.

NaBloPoMo 16: meme edition

NaBloPoMo 15

I am now at 71k on my project. I still have no idea what I am doing. But, hey, I finally hit one of my vague plot points. I've been struggling to have the discipline to sit down and write for the big word count days like I had back in the beginning of the month.

It is less a question of motivation and more a question of how to deal with my frustration with this project. I'm still at about the middle of the story, it seems. And when I am at this point, I feel like I am writing garbage and no one's going to want to read this thing. It happens every time. I suppose it is like second sock syndrome in knitting or crochet. You get one sock done and then you must summon up the energy to get the second one finished.

I'm still working out the ideal placement of my light therapy lamp. Right now, it is sitting on top of the stand holding the router and modem that is on the desk. It sort of works. I really have no idea what I am doing with this. I haven't seen much of a change in my mood right now. It takes around two weeks using it for the first signs of a change in mood shows up.

NaBloPoMo 14

I don't like my special SAD light. It hurts my eyes and I can't manage to find the right way to position it so that it doesn't. I can't help feeling that I am missing some crucial part of the process here and that is why I am struggling with how to use it properly.

NaBloPoMo 13

Today's my third day of trying out light therapy for my seasonal affective disorder. I hate it. It makes my eyes hurt and gives me a headache. My blood sugar has been running high. I don't know if I am coming down with something or what. It would be funny in a decidedly not funny way that this light therapy stuff was the reason why my blood sugar is running high right now.

NaBloPoMo 12

My feels right now:

NaBloPoMo 11

I'm burned out after yesterday and this past weekend. Still searching. Status report below:

NaBloPoMo 10

It was a long weekend. The kids have today off because it is Veteran's Day. Saturday was busy with errands and visiting family. I didn't get much writing done on my novel. I got even less knitting on my current charity scarf. And zero spinning done. At this rate, I don't think I'm going to have met my goal of spinning a mile of thread/yarn by the end of the year. Things keep coming up.

I did my first session of light therapy and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't feel like a zombie right now but my blood sugar isn't sky high either. I do feel weary, but I woke up several times in the night feeling thirsty. I don't know what is going on that my fasting blood sugar numbers are creeping up higher again. I am hoping that it is just the stress from having to replace the Impreza and the general anxiety issues I have causing it. I don't want to be getting sick again when I just got over a sinus infection.

NaBloPoMo 9

NaBloPoMo 8

Don't know what to write at the moment. Still stuck trying to figure out how to finish my damn manuscript. It is driving me bonkers.

NaBloPoMo No. 7

It's my birthday and Beloved got me an awesome gift. It is one of the Queer Seer pins. I had to get a pic with it on. I'm probably going to add it to my pins on my soft sided and very beat up green canvas briefcase/satchel that I've had since high school.

It's a great pin because it lets me show off my pride in my being bisexual and my pride in my hobby of tarot reading (and other forms of divination). I'm sorry for the poor picture quality, I didn't have the best lighting conditions.

NaBloPoMo No. 6

I have hit 50k on my project for NaNoWriMo and I think I am about half finished with the story. I still have no idea what the hell I am doing. It's a fantasy novel based off of some fanfiction I've been writing. Now I have this debate, do I try to finish this novel or do I pick up another project and work on it. I am leaning towards finishing this novel. Because these characters are stuck in my head. Excerpt of what I'm working on beneath the jump.

NaBloPoMo no. 5

Red Heart has a brand of yarn that is supposed to color pool in a way that it works up with an argyle pattern. I bought a ball of it a little while back in neon colors. Because argyle in neon would be pretty cool. They lied. It looked like neon clown barf. I'm still giving it to charity, but I am annoyed. I wanted to make a neon argyle scarf with out having to buy six balls of yarn and knit the thing. I am not good at intarsia knitting. The fact that I could have gotten argyle pattern with super simple crochet had me all excited. Signs are pointing towards I may need to start learning more advanced knitting techniques if I want to make interesting things.

NaBloPoMo No. 4

I'm trying to get started a trend on Twitter. I have two things. One is my bad pitches thread "Hey Agent!" The other is to get the others who are of the Filianic faith more active on Twitter and spread some sunshine around. There's a lot about Twitter that can be described as a dumpster fire. But the Filianic community, at large, is a kind and compassionate group. I'm trying to coax them back to Twitter to push back against the dumpster fire element with random acts of kindness, sharing favorite quotes from the holy texts, and be their lovely selves just as they are over on Tumblr. And Tumblr has the dumpster fire element in equal parts to the element that can be found on Twitter.

I was just hoping to see a little bit more kindness going forward on there. Maybe some cute cat pics but mostly inspiration and hope. Now I'm not so sure if this was such a good idea because I seem to be the only person doing it.

NaBloPoMo #3 I hate legos.

I hate walking them. I hate the gods awful mess they make. Most of all, I hate the noise of my son digging through the bin full of them to find parts to create something. That sound is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. At the same time, Snuggle Bug could play legos for hours and not cause any mischief.

I still kinda hate them, though.

NaBloPoMo #2

I'm actually attempting NaNoWriMo this year despite being depressed. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I took a partial manuscript from earlier in the year that I was just messing around with and put it in as what I'm working on now. My characters are that meme. I'm beginning to think that the meme is my stories in a nutshell.

NaBloPoMo #1 - Fuck Depression

So, I'm going to attempt National Blog Posting Month (that bit of alphabet soup in the title) this year. I was looking forward to doing National Novel Writing Month but I'm super anxious about it. I have no plan. I have no outline. Nothing. And I'm afraid that I would continue to write word vomit about my trauma as I did last NaNoWriMo and Camp NaNoWriMo. Beloved tells me that I shouldn't hang everything upon writing a novel this month. He's correct in saying that I work on such things on a regular basis year round.

But I was looking forward to the project all year. But depression ate my brain so I have no plans of any sort for writing this. Which makes my anxiety go off the rails. I am just going to open a word document and put down 1.7k words today. We'll see if it turns into anything, I guess. I just feel like this is a hopeless effort and that my writing career is a joke because I don't know how to manipulate social media enough to get anyone to buy books.