NaBloPoMo 7/30

Some real content for this post. It is my birthday today. I'm officially an adult now because I'm 40. I still want to go dye my hair wild colors, so I can't say that I'm completely out of that 'phase'. And because I'm going grey, the wild colors will take better, I suspect. I'm looking around at my life right now and I'm not sure how to feel.

I thought that at 40, I would be somewhere teaching physics or english. I thought that at 40, I would have a decent start on a writing career. Have a few big book sales to my name and maybe be recognized in a few national markets. I'm not at either of those points.

I thought that at 40, I would have a side job/hobby of doing psychic stuff and make enough money to pay for my other hobbies. I thought that at 40, I would be healthy and beautiful like I was at 20. Because the baby weight comes off, right? That side job/hobby didn't quite work out. And the healthy part is not quite working as I thought it was because of the fact I'm disabled and now diabetic. But I'm beautiful like I am at 40.

I never thought that I'd see 40. I was told as a kid that I was going to die before I hit 30. I was seriously mindfucked on that one. I had a little crisis a little while back going "The diabetes, that's what's going to kill me." I had a panic going into giving birth with each kids, one more so than the other, that I was going to die while in labor. I got over those panic moments.

I spent the last ten years spinning in circles when I wasn't focused on the kids. Now that they're older and getting more independent, I'm going to start pouring my energy into myself and where I want to be in ten years. Because at 50, I don't want to have the regrets I do right now about not reaching out to people over the years and losing friendships through neglect. At 50, I want to have a solid start on that writing career. Even if it means I am writing porn to support my writing other topics. (I don't think I'm that great at writing porn, but it seems to sell even if it is badly written.)

So, happy birthday to me. Fuck you to all the shit that tried to break me over the last 40 years. And welcome to all the stuff that's going to help me accomplish my dreams over the next.