I'm going to use my morning free writing/journal writing session time for blogging. This might become a thing. Beloved may be annoyed with the heap of notebooks going unused if it does. I don't know. I'm not very awake right now. I don't feel fantastic at the moment. My stomach is in knots. I am pretty sure this is hormonal. For some reason, I have gone from not having my menses whilst on the Norethidrone dosage to having them again. A part of me says I should probably call my gynocologist and ask if this is normal. The rest of me is too surprised by the novelty of having regular menses.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. It screws with everything because my hormones are completely out of order. Hence the fact that I'm on birth control. It was the reason why I was prediabetic for most of my adult life. I'm highly annoyed that no one told me that I was prediabetic. I'd have made these dietary changes much earlier and possibly avoided the diabetes diagnosis or at least prolonged it until later in my life. But, one of the 'fun' side effects of PCOS is insulin resistance.
It is the reason why my body's insulin doesn't work properly and hasn't worked properly since puberty if not before then. I am finding that as I move back towards the limited diet that I had as a kid that was almost vegetarian, the better my blood sugar numbers are. The thing that frustrates me is how the fact that I've got a part of me that screams I need food when my blood sugar is high just as loudly as when it screams at me I need food when my blood sugar is low. It's very frustrating and confusing. I can't listen to my body's cues to tell when I need to eat because my body can't make up its messaging situation so that it gives me accurate information.
I've come to loathe my glucose meter. I appreciate the help it provides me. At the same time, it feels like a weight that I can't put aside. If I'm feeling like I'm starving, I check my blood sugar. Is it too high? Often, the answer is yes because I am apparently highly reactive to sugar and carbohydrates. If I feel like I'm in the beginnings of a panic attack, I check my blood sugar. Why? Because that's what some of the mental side effects of low blood sugar feels like for me. I start to feel like I'm having a panic attack for no reason.
This sucks too because I have a panic disorder. One that is slowly getting worse. As such, I am left questioning if I'm having a legitimate panic attack or if my blood sugar is too low. Depending on how bad I am off, my hands may be shaking horribly (because that's what they do when I have a panic attack) and using my glucose meter is kinda hard then. If it is because my blood sugar is low, I eat and after a few minutes the symptoms improve. If I'm having a legit panic attack, eating doesn't help. In fact, I panic over eating because of the shit I went through growing up. So, low blood sugar and panic may equate to my having the PTSD telling me that I'm not allowed to eat anything. That's where I need the reality check that Beloved provides me.
It's happened a few times now over the year that my blood sugar got low and I used the meter. I then wasn't going to eat something fast acting because my PTSD was telling me that I COULD NOT DO THAT. That's where he basically demanded I go eat a piece of candy along with the sandwich I was having because the number of carbs was not quite as important as how quickly they hit my system. I still am struggling to grasp that concept. Carb counting and anxiety means I am increasingly becoming more rigid in what I am eating and how I do it. It's a problem in the making. I know I should talk to my therapist about it, but I have no therapist right now because they retired from the practice.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my anxiety issues. I suppose for now, I am going to attempt self-therapy by way of Walden Pond method - journaling EVERYTHING. It's not going to go online. I may post about breakthroughs or something, but a lot of this stuff is just awful and I don't want to subject others to it.
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