My little man is walking! WALKING!

So, the boy is walking now. Yep, he walked across the living room entirely on his own today. He's done it about four times today. He's having a ball. I'm excited for him but I'm also a little apprehensive now. What on Earth are my husband and I going to do about things like my boxes of fabric that he's definately going to be getting into now? I suppose it's no different from when he was just crawling yesterday, when I think about it, but I still have that mild bit of apprehension.

[10 min later...]

My little man had interrupted my posting here for some play time. This child loves to be turned upside down. So, I was picking him up and doing so. He started laughing quite a bit with that infectious giggle of his. It's wonderful that it is so easy to make him laugh at times. There are other times when I think it'd be easier to stop sunrise then to make him laugh. I've been told that I was just like him as a young child.

This means that he'll be fine. After all, I have a sense of humor it's just different from most people. I generally don't find slap-stick that funny but witty sarcasm can have me in stitches. It'll be interesting to see how his sense of humor develops as time goes on.

Ah, musical toys. How I love and yet hate them! My boy has a favorite toy from his cousins on his father's side of the family that he is currently playing with. He loves hitting the 'piano keys' on it and making it play little songs. It is one of the absolute favorites and it's adorable to watch him play with it. And then there is the musical toy that my maternal grandmother sent him for Christmas.

I swear, if I have to listen to that thing one more time, I'm going to scream. There's a reason why it's put into the music toy box and comes out once a week with the other really noisy music toys. I don't know why, but this is his absolute favorite of the music toys (with the exception of his drum). It may be as my sister-in-law is right and the children in our lives gravitate to the toys that are the most obnoxiously irritating to us for their favorites, especially when they're toddlers.

On one hand, I'm glad that my son loves music. I'm glad that he's fascinated by his toys that are of a musical nature. He enjoys them as much as he does his trucks. Just recently, the boy has figured out how to say the word 'tuba' thanks to the Baby Einstein video that we were given for Christmas by my brother-in-law and his wife.

A quick aside, I have to say, the more I see with these Baby Einstein toys, the more I love them. The toys are educational, fun (for the grown-ups and the kids), and just beautiful to look at. It's hard to say just what I think is the best about them. I was first introduced to them when I was working at the daycare. I decided that I wanted to get some of them for my children when I had them. I was impressed by how these toys engaged the children when they were playing with them.

Toddlers have a relatively short attention span. When they come back to toys its because they're favorites. It was rather awesome to see how quickly the Baby Einstein toys became preferred ones. The DVDs are just gorgeous. The 'Meet the Orchestra' one is a favorite of the boy's as is the 'Language Nursery' one. We own the orchestra one but we borrow the language one from the library. We definately need to purchase that one at some point. He loves the language one even more then the orchestra one. For some reason, my son loves listening to people count in different languages and he absolutely *loves* listening to nursery rhymes in German.

We listen to a lot of music. We have some music that includes songs in foregin languages. He really enjoys the ones in Spanish. Between the lively beat and the rapid language, I think he really delights in the tones and syncopation of the songs. We now have a story book that includes the number one to ten in Spanish. I think I need to re-learn Spanish and learn German. It's my opinion that if I raise my children with a basic grasp of another language it'll help them in the future. But, I'll talk about it later.

Right now, I must run and work on dinner for the apple of my eye. :)

I'm bemused by the internet.

So, when I first heard about Twitter, I thought it sounded kinda nifty. It rather exploded with popularity of late and a vast majority of mutual friends of my husband and I use it. I've been reluctant because I don't think that 'Tweeting' about stuff that my boy does here and my random thoughts around the home are going to be of much interest to the world at large.

At the same time, I've been contemplating using it and the other big and popular thing, Facebook. We've got alot of friends who use those programs and it might be good for staying in contact with them. It's something that I'm consider like using that photo sharing site called Flickr.

So, somebody out there is saying 'Well, what's stopping you?'

Part of it is fear.

I've got some crazy people in my past that I'm afraid are going to use my increased visibility on the internet to cause me problems. Part of it is because I've heard horror stories involving identity theft and I'm concerned that it's going to be a problem for me. And then there is the general fear of social interaction and such that I have hanging around me from childhood.

The other part is I'm honestly not sure where to begin. But I've wandered away from my original intent of this post. Twitter is having an awards celebration right now. It made me giggle. Why did it make me giggle? It made me giggle because of the fact that it's in the international news right now. I honestly believe that if it hadn't gotten the visibility boost from the President's use of the service, it wouldn't be in the news right now.

That, however, is my suspicion. Who knows, perhaps I'm just horribly, horribly wrong.

Thoughts on kids rooms & furniture stuff.

I woke up a little early today. I got some time to sit and write in one of my journals that I have been neglecting almost as badly as I have been neglecting this blog. :P As I did so, I started writing about some of the things we're going to need to consider moving forward after the new baby is born.

The two kids are probably going to need their own rooms. Doug is going to be *alot* more active then the infant for a while. I'm realizing this as he sits at his high chair and gleefully munches on his cheddar-chicken nuggets. (Oh, to any other parents out there wondering what on Earth they should feed their children, I've got to say we're having amazing success with chicken nuggets. Specifically, the baked ones that you do at home. The fried commercial ones get a lukewarm reception, unless they're Burger King's chicken fries. Those Doug just about inhales!)

It once happened that Doug would sit still and focus quite seriously on the task of eating. Now, he plays and eats at the same time. So, putting him in the same room as an infant isn't going to work very well. And Doug should get some time to play in his room during the day. Naptime is going to become challeging. I can just feel it. As of right now (roughly 10 minutes after the comment about how wonderful chicken nuggets are) he is eating his last chicken nugget and discovered the wonder of cheese sticks as thrown projectiles. To say the least, before I laydown for my afternoon nap I'm going to be cleaning food off of the floor. And a sippy cup, which just hit the ground.

Well, I'd add more but Doug has decided he's finished eating and is now fussing to be set free from his prison... erm, high chair. :P

Online cook books are awesome!

So, of late I've been stumped on what to cook because the pantry is beginning to get a little bare as I'm getting towards needing to go grocery shopping. As a result, I've been looking at different websites for ideas and recipes. In my head, I keep calling them online cook books. I think my favorite is Recipezaar. So many interesting ideas and recipes in one place! It's fantastic. I think I'm in love! :)

Writing & Insomnia.

Well, I just started another blog. This one is just for writing about this abuse stuff I'm dealing with. If you want the link, contact me via e-mail or say something in the comments on this post.

I'm going to go attempt to sleep. Maybe it'll work and I won't wake up two or three times tonight.

Insomnia sucks.

It's not like I'm feeling horrible. I just can't sleep. :P I don't know if I should go wash dishes or screw around with some of my craft projects right now. At least the boy stopped his 3 1/2 hour temper-tantrum. He woke up and wanted to go play. When he got put back into bed after a diaper change, that's when the screaming began.

Remind me to buy ear plugs some time.

I may need them in the near future.

Rambling thoughts.

I'm just going to put this down here and maybe I'll figure it out.

Or not... not too huge of a difference, I suppose.

I've been coming to some realizations and doing alot of thinking. It disturbed the hell out of me to realize the extent of the brutality I dealt with as a kid. I think what disturbed me even more was to realize just how the propensity for the ugly crap still remains in the people who did it and it's beginning to manifest again. It troubled me deeply to realize how many of the things I told myself about them are just plesant lies to cover up the raw, festering wounds that I have deep within my soul and damn near a lifetime of anger.

I'm not sure how directly I should mention them, because I forget if they have access to this blog. So, I belive I'm going to let some of the detaile lie where they are. I'm probably going to be writing about this a fair amount in my other blog. It is my hope that ... That in writing about this, I can make it stop haunting me so much and I can excise the inner demons tormenting me.

When I came to that realization last night... just how many lies I've told myself... When I came to the realization as to the extent that I was in denial about my past, I realized a couple other things. Like the longer I continue my interactions, the longer they'll terrorize me and I'll have to deal with those sick head games. The worst thing is, I recognize now that nothing changed over the years except for how the abuse was done. And that change of method decieved me into thinking that they had changed.

Memories are rising up to the surface like bubble of steam in a boiling kettle. And connections are being made and understanding is flashing into realization like the way a spark jumps from particle to particle in a grain explosion. I wish I could say that it was all a bad dream or some kind of strange nightmare. I wish that it was just my imagination running away from me or something else ... I wish there was something I could say or do to make it where this wasn't real. But if it wasn't real, then I wouldn't have the fears I do or the ingrained habits that sabotage me.

If it wasn't real, then I wouldn't be as concerned about their thoughts and opinions of me. If it wasn't real, I wouldn't have the nightmares or night terrors that I do. I wouldn't be as terrified of confrontation or so damn convinced that everything I do is wrong somehow and that the misery of the people around me is something I must atone for. At the same time, as I look back on all of this, I realize something that has surfaced on occasion in my mind but I didn't really believe until now.

I realize that I *am* strong, brave, and honorable. I realize that the amount of courage to refuse to participate in their sick games willingly is staggering when you look at how much power over me they had at the time. I realize the amount of courage that I had to draw on to deal with an abusive bastard at the same time as I was dealing with their shit and continue to refuse to participate in their charade is matched only by my strength. Because I now understand the enormity of what I've faced down, though I can't fully comprehend the scope, and the fact that I've done so with out becoming one of them is a testament to my strength. The fact that I didn't let them strip away those things about me which they hated and continue to hate or that I didn't let them control how I live my life today and I resisted it where I could before... It shows me that I am strong.

Honorable is entirely my interpretation here, but it was something they threw around at one point as part of their bullshit. And I *am* honorable because I have never once perpetuated that abuse. Even in the heights of anger or fustration, when my temper gets the best of me at times, I have resisted and rejected it. It is a daily fight but I am winning that war. Now, I will set to work on winning the rest of this war for my sense of self and dignity.

It will not be easy. I know there are people who are going to look at what I'm doing like I'm a mad woman. I've been through this and I recognize that the memories are going to surface. I recognize that they have been surfacing and that's ok. Those of you who know me and are close to me, I may act a little crazy at times but I will be ok. Please, be patient with me and know that I will be fine after a little while.

This is hard work I'm starting here. But it's for a good cause.

Feeling twitchy.

You know, I just let some folks know about my concerns regarding C- and I really hope that they're taken seriously. The logical part of my brain says 'yes, of course they'll be,' while another part of my brain says that there's no way they'd take me and my concerns seriously. I'm so not looking forward to the next game where I have to deal with him.

C- is a bastard and I've decided to tear him a part if he chooses to attack me. I'm not comfortable with this decision but I'm not going to let him intimidate me. If confronting him publicly for his bullshit when he persists in harassing me is what it takes, then so be it. I get so angry when he harasses and insults me. I want to smack him across the face when he does that.

I've decided not to do that. But if he raises a hand to me, I'll defend myself with prejudice. If I persist in reminding myself that I have a right to do that, when the shit hits the fan, perhaps I won't hesitate.

Ugh! Stress sucks!

You know the feeling of being stressed out? Oh, what am I asking for, *everybody* knows that feeling and hates it. It's really crappy and I just wish it'd go away for a little while.

I'm getting to the point where I just want to go run away and hide from the world for a few days. A sick baby, housework, and apartment hunting, however, demands that I stick around. Housework... gods, it's a never ending nightmare. I thought I had this place clean. Then I had to do some baking, the boy got out his toys, and I needed to work on a few projects that had been set aside. Clean house is impossible when the house is not big enough to hold everything.

I miss having a real kitchen. :( Enough space that a handful of dirty dishes doesn't turn it into an absolute bomb blast would be wonderful.

...

I could continue whining but I wont. I just feel crappy. Maybe I'll whine in my off-line journal and not subject the world to my being 'emo' right now.

more rambling.

I am sitting here feeling like crying. I feel kinda sick too, but it could be because I need to eat something. I think it's more likely to be stress. I'm terrified right now. I recognize that logic insists that I have no reason to be afraid and that we're all ok. I can't shake the terror that they're going to come over here tomorrow morning and demand that I and the boy get out while my husband is at work, leaving us literally out in the cold.

I can't stop thinking that we don't have enough money to handle the damn debt collectors and these fuckers who run the place where we're living. I've been looking all day and I can't find where I put the lease. I just want to cry. I just want to put my head down on the desk and sob, even though it does no good. I can't think of anything else to do right now.

I'm sitting here looking for new apartments and what I see... I can't stop thinking about how we can't even afford things right now as it stands. How are we going to pay the deposit and first month's rent on a new place? I look in the kitchen and I question how I'm going to make food stretch and wonder if we're going to need to let one of our other bills slip so that I can get groceries in about a week.

I hate this. I hate how sick it makes me feel. I hate the fact that I didn't sleep half as well as I should have last night. I hate how I can't even shake the fear by using the various meditation techniques that I've used over the years. I'm unable to make it go away, quiet it, or anything else.

The worst thing is, I keep thinking to myself that I should have learned more about this stupid place when I was looking for where we going to move before.

My bright spot today...

My bright spot today is my son. He's happily playing and being terribly cute right now. Thank goodness for that and the fact that it is putting a smile on my face.

Because right now, I just want to crawl under a rock or something and hide, if not cry.

I hate my landlord and the people who work for her. I hate them with a passion. We moved in here and naively expected them to be honest with us. Instead, I've spent damn near everyday since about two weeks into the lease being worried that they're going to try to throw us out. I hate these bastards.

Somedays, I hate my side of the family...

I understand, my parents are stressed. But this is beginning to really get on my nerves.

If you people don't want to help us, then don't do it! If you do want to help us, then don't bitch about it! Nobody held a gun to anyone's head and *forced* them to do shit.

...

Gods, there is *so* much more I could add right now but just thinking about it makes my slightly nauseated stomach feel even worse.

Ever get the feeling that somebody out there is telling you something? And that if you don't get it soon they're going to be throwing a goddamn brick at your head to make you figure it out?

I'm getting the impression that I should just stop dealing with my side of the family for a little while. Time to become too busy with stuff or something. *shrugs*

I hate debt collectors.

I tell the guy that I'm having a hard time keeping the lights on. He just continues with his script.

I told him several times that it's not that I'm refusing to pay my debts but that I simply don't have the money for it. It's either throw money down that rat hole or put food in my kid's mouth.

And the guy says 'so you're refusing any hard ship payment options?'

My response was 'I don't see how I can use any of these options when I'm having a hard time buying groceries.'

I've a bad feeling that these motherfuckers are going to try to garnish my husband's wages.

As if having to deal with a jackass landlord isn't enough right now?

Remind me to go burn the world down later, somebody, will you?

Recent nightmares and thoughts.

So, there's the strange dreams that go with pregnancy. There is the strange dreams that go with the stress of dealing with idiot landlords, crazy family, and too many bills. Then there are the nightmares and strange dreams that go with being harassed by a person who had assaulted you.

Maybe it's just me but I think it'd be easier if N- was harassing me. N- wasn't quite smart enough to be the insidious bastard that C- is. Mind you C- isn't a smart man either. That said, I have been starting to have nightmares and I wasn't entirely sure why I wasn't sleeping well.

I wasn't sure, that is, until today. I woke up from a series of dreams where I was getting into a screaming argument with C- at LARP, with each dream tending closer to a physical altercation between him and I. C- may insist that his recent bullshit has been directed at my characters in the game where he and I both play in, but he's been making me uncomfortable for the past month with his attention becoming focused upon me.

I recognize part of the issue is the fact that I am pregnant with my second child and he is envious. I was briefly involved with C- about five years ago. He was my first foray into having a relationship with a man outside of my relationship with my husband. At that time, C- actively attempted to destroy my relationship with my husband and manipulated my PTSD related issues to cause me distress and get away with sexually assaulting me multiple times.

That came to an end fairly quickly when I very calmly told him to stop or I was going to break his neck when he was attempting to pin me down to have his way with me. I was dissociated but not entirely separate from myself to the extent that I was semi-catatonic. He left a few minutes later and never darkened my doorstep again. In the midst of that four month relationship, aside from the emotional and psychological havoc he created with his bullshit, he did rape me twice.

I'm not sure if C- impregnated me or if my husband did, because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage about a month after I told C- to get off of me or I'd kill him. Also, at the time that it would have happened, I was having a great deal of problems with dissociating and I can't recall fairly significant portions of time. It makes me suspect that I was raped more then twice, because only two times do I remember clearly. And the clarity of those recollections is rather startling.

Anyways, C- started with his mild efforts to antagonize me essentially right after I told friends of mine and my husband's at LARP as soon as we knew I was pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, C- was somewhat antagonizing but he didn't really show the effort that he is now. I think it is because he felt that he couldn't get away with it. Unfortunately, I've started having nightmares featuring C- again.

I'm thinking that I need to confront C- and tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I'm afraid, however, that confrontation will turn violent and C- will delibertately attempt to induce a miscarriage via hitting my abdomen. I don't know what to do, but I'm torn between a fear that he is going to try to hurt my baby and seething rage at his audacity to harass me. At least with N-, I wouldn't blink twice at the thought of tearing his throat out.

C-... Well, I don't think N- would try to batter me in a fashion to cause a miscarriage, because he wouldn't know that I'm pregnant. C-, on the other hand, knows and hates it. He desperately wants to have a child to carry on his family name. May the Gods deny him this desperate yearning and protect other women and girls from his attempt to answer it. I do, I admit, curse the day that I invited C- into my home and into my life in any type of relationship closer then a casual acquaintance.

Love is not a sin or a thing you can legislate.

I am sure that some of you who know me are going to expect a rant about how someone is throwing around the anti-homosexual marriage garbage again. Actually, this is about a situation involving the Salvation Army. I kinda respected those guys until I saw this:

Capt. Harsh led the Oshkosh Salvation Army for more than three years before he was suspended for not following orders. He is a widower. His wife, who was also a Salvation Army officer, died suddenly last summer.

"I asked God to bring me a woman who was pretty on the outside and the inside. That's what God did," said Captain Johnny Harsh, suspended officer.

Capt. Harsh now plans to marry Cia, who is not an officer.

I have a real problem with this situation. It's highly unreasonable, in my opinion, to take this stance. The Salvation Army apparently has this policy that officers can only marry other officers. I wasn't aware of this until today. I am finding myself inclined to boycott the Salvation Army because of the misery they're sowing with this stance.

I know, I know... I'm a heathen and I really shouldn't be concerned with how people of other religions operate their religion. This, however, is not a matter strictly of religious philosophy. In my opinion, this is a human rights matter. Just like the question of gay marriage is a human rights issue.

We have the right to love whom we will, it's simply a part of who and what we are. This can't be legislated or dictated from on high. It's something that moves our hearts and is a blessing. I truly and honestly believe that it is morally wrong to condemn someone for who they love. That said, I think there is a distinction between love and sex.

I'll put limits on sex, but those limits are not going to stop someone from feeling love. If an adult loves a child in a romantic fashion, if they *truly* love that child, then the adult will be willing to wait until the child is of legal majority to consummate the relationship physically. People have done this and I don't object to it. But the rest of this crap, is wrong.

I'm *so* stumped!

I have decided to completely re-do my web-page on Keen and the one that I've got set up on Tripod. I figure part of my problem getting business is because those pages are too ... well... They're just not any good.

I'm just at a loss for how to correct them. As such, I'm off to do some research and scope out web pages for other psychics and figure out why pages suck. :P

~*Update*~

Well, I've surfed a bit on the interwebz and found this image that I love and want to use as a background. It's free and it's goregous!

Well...

I found out what I've suspected for a few weeks now. I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure that my Mom's going to go bat shit rather then be happy for my family here. I mean, the boy is getting a sibling, a person to play with and he won't have to go out of the house to play with them. The boy's going to be delighted once he realizes this is a good thing.

It'll make money interesting. Right now it rather sucks, but it was going to suck anyways because life is just a pain in the ass like that right now. Not having alot of money and having things like your student loans come due is a huge pain in the ass. Mom, however... I have this terrible feeling that the first words out are going to be a diatribe about how we can't afford the baby followed by a demand that the pregnancy be terminated.

Yeah, I had a few nightmares last night... can you tell?

I am livid.

I want to kill a motherfucker. I really do.

And I fucking can't.

Why is it that my widowed Aunt has found herself in the position of being stalked and sexually harassed by a dipshit who is just fucking like N- is beyond my comprehension. I do know, however, that I am so filled with rage at his behavior that I can't calm down enough to sleep. I just want to beat the fucker until he's lying in a pool of his own blood and drowning to death in it while in excruciating pain from his injuries.

Worries.

I can't stop thinking about money and worrying about it. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying half the time when I'm not numb right now.

And when I'm not caught up in that, I'm fretting about stupid bullshit with my mother.

Or of turning into her.


It has not been a good day for me today.

Stream of consciousness rant/rambling

I suppose that did sound a little awkward for a title to this post. Ah, well. I'm not going to trouble myself over it very much. Right now, my son is sleeping and so is my husband. As such, I either have the liberty to use the internet as I wish or do some chores uninterrupted. As you can tell, I've chosen to play in the interwebz. It's been challenging over the last several days. I'm not sure where the biggest challenge comes from right now.

I am torn between pointing at the anger I feel towards my mother for her recent bullshit and the general feeling of malaise that's been left in the wake of her... bad behavior, bitchy words... what is the correct way to describe it? I honestly don't know. I've ranted about this elsewhere. I've had about a half hour long conversation with my husband's girlfriend about it (who is wonderfully supportive and is strongly exhorting me to say 'fuck you' to my mother and cut her off from my life just as she has done with the people who've hurt her in her family). In some ways, I feel purged of the angst that I sat down with initially to write out and expunge from my soul.

At the same time, I'm... feeling like I need to lance some kind of emotional boil and drain the festering abscess within my soul of rage, anguish, pain, and profound disappointment. It's funny, I fell asleep last night and dreamed of assisting people will illness and a theme that came up was healing infections. It wasn't an exactly cathartic dream but it wasn't one of the nightmares that I've been having on a regular basis either. It was kinda nice to wake up and not have my left arm bruised because I smacked it against the nightstand as I was having some form of night terrors as I slept.

Night terrors... Oh, gods, do I hate those things. I can not begin to detail the worst of them. Actually, I could but even in the supposedly reassuring light of day, I still find myself uneasy with *that* one particular one. Not terribly surprising, it does feature physical violence and torture. It seems like the worst of my nightmares are usually along those lines. It kinda makes me wonder just how bad some of the things I don't remember were. It also makes me think that my interest in medieval torture really didn't serve me very well for helping me sleep.

Fascination with medieval warfare and torture just doesn't mix well with a restful sleep when you have an active imagination and way too much stress inside. It does make for some very... well, fucked up dreams at times. Throw in my amusement/love of zombie and other horror movies and it can get really disturbed inside my head sometimes. So, I believe I'm going to write about something else. I've decided to write about something happier.

I have made alot of progress in my efforts in preparation for the holidays. I think it will be a good year to be a child around in this neck of the woods. I still need to pick up a few things because I realized that I'm missing some of the materials I need to make a couple of items, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My plan to make a rag book for my youngest neice and a rag book for my son this year is coming into a good stage. It've gotten my ducks in a row and I'm ready to start cutting and peicing it together.

I'm also working on finishing up a couple of sweaters and a few other nice things for the kids in the family. On one hand, I've got to admit, it is kinda easy. When you have nothing but neices to get gifts for, it is terribly easy because they're all pretty much interested in the same things right now. The eldest of all the girls is a bit more sophisticated but even she's at about the same point right now. So I don't have any real worries about what to give her. I just need to get my sewing machine in order. Which I think I've got fixed.

Wow, my capacity for paying attention is just completely shot right now. I should work on something else aside from writing right now. Fortunately, this is not in preparation for anything like serious publication.

Brief Update.

I've got some stuff to rant about and such. I'll do so in a few minutes. This, however, is a quick plug to let the world know that I'm still alive. Aside from that, I'm severely pissed off with my mother. Don't worry, I'll rant about that in a minute.

I'm also contemplating changing the layout of my blog again. I'm getting bored with this one.

Images that match characters.

I'm taking a brain break and this is what I found.

Marie Clair (daughter of Marie Olberight):









Marie Olberight:



Richard Dawson:











Janine Davis:



All pictures belong to the owners which the images come from.

Insomnia.

I'm sitting here with a minor bout of insomnia. I'm going to attempt to do some writing upon my NaNoWriMo project and I can't help but feel that odd sense of peace that comes late at night. A part of me is contemplating just staying up incredibly late tonight for the sake of that feeling. I don't really know why.

I also feel an odd mix of sorrow, liberty, and longing right now.

Stormcrow, you make me wistful at moments for the oddest reasons. I think that smile the last time I saw you is what did it this time.

And Stargazer, I wish you were here right now. I was brave today, so very brave and I think you'd have been proud of me for it.

Getting comfortable in your own skin is so very hard sometimes.

Prospero's Speech

I've found myself listening to Loreena McKennitt's rendition of this final soliloquy from Shakespeare's Tempest earlier. I was struck by the ringing quality of purity and the undercurrent of sorrow to it. It seems fitting that it is playing right now.

Even as the lies I tell myself are stripped away and the mask is removed, I can't help but feel grief. Would it be easier if the lie was true? I honestly don't know.

I only know that I feel deep and profound sorrow over the childhood that I wish I had. I also feel and adamant refusal to allow such sorrow to be visited upon my own child for the sake of conveniance or anything else that motivated my parents to treat me as they did when I was a child.

Perhaps it would be easier if I could hate them. I don't know.

Happy birthday to me.

I'm thirty. Yay! [insert cheezy noise maker SFX here]

Random thought.

I just heard someone singing a beautiful rendition of the national anthem. Why is it that I felt the sudden urge to weep with grief? Is it the fact that the nation is not the place that I had thought it was when I was a kid? Is it the fact that the patriots who fought and died to found this nation are spinning in their graves?

I don't know, but the wave of sorrow that washed over me was enough where I was glad that I was sitting down when it happened.

Gods, I hope election day doesn't bring a complete disaster. I hold little hope for it all, though.

laughing at the interwebz

Your result for The Sexuality Spectrum Test...

Bi/Slightly Straight

For the most part, you are bisexual. You have a slight preference for the opposite sex, but either sex would suit you. If you are sexually inexperienced, it is possible that this will change after you do some experimenting.

Take The Sexuality Spectrum Test at HelloQuizzy

Well, that was a statement of the obvious.

Thoughts.

On Friday, I'm turning 30. A third of my life will be over. Given how women in my family tend to live until they're roughly 90 if not a little older, it's a safe statement to make.

I don't feel depressed because I'm not a kid anymore.

I feel disappointed because I don't think there is going to be a party. I mentioned something a little while back that I had wanted a party for my birthday with our friends to my husband. But, then our finances went nuts and life has dropped a proverbial hammer or two on us. I don't think it's going to happen.

And that disappoints me.

Last year, my husband was upset because he felt kinda ignored on his birthday. I'm hoping that I can make it happen where his birthday doesn't completely suck next year. I've a few ideas. If my birthday is just plain again, that's ok. I've go my husband and my son. We've got our health and even if money is kinda crazy right now, we've got our needs met. So, we're doing ok.

Who knows, maybe we'll get something nice for dinner.

Updated Word count.

Word Count: 5,634.
Page Count: 16

Other details:

Some of the characters have started to reveal themselves. There's a female character named Marie Claire. Divorced with at least one child, a daughter. She's got some tension (an understatement) towards the other female character that's revealed herself. They met in the office of the psychiatrist with the red leather chair referred to at the opening of the story. Marie is described by the as of yet unnamed character as 'creepy' and as a precognitive individual. Unclear what the relationship between Marie and the psychiatrist was.

Second female character named Janine. Janine slept with Marie's husband. Janine has hostile feelings towards Marie and Marie's daughter. Janine's relationship with the psychiatrist was a combination of a mentoring and something more. Janine comes from an abusive household, there was at least physical abuse by her father. She's an artist. Marie was a writer at the time they interacted. It's unclear if either still are. Janine's artwork in the past was photography. It's yet to be revealed if there's still a career in the arts for Janine. Gender identification with Janine is unclear. We'll see how *that* develops as well. Janine's past is fleshed out much more in the writing I just got done.

There's a few other characters and I think a few other points in time that I'm writing here. I'm not sure. But it's beginning to turn somewhat cohesive. I'm a tenth of the way to where I want to be. Perhaps I'll get lucky and write the rest of it this easily. I kinda doubt it, but who knows. The muse is fickle and will grant as she wills.

:)

The Red Chair: Excerpt (1)

I remember that chair. He had a red leather wingback chair in his office. You know the scent

of old leather, that slightly sweet, half musky smell of it? It permeated the entire room in a

subtle perfume that lingered on my clothes after our sessions. I remember that chair all too

clearly. Somehow, I managed to forget the discussions but the chair… The chair was just burned

into my mind in every detail, right down to the way the padding beneath would feel like a coiled

animal with the springs as bones.

Three years ago, the sessions ended and I did my best to forget everything. I bared my soul

and told the company every possible thing about my past. And yet, here I am, seemingly

stepping back into that routine of walking into his office and sitting in that chair every Thursday.

Last week, I got a tape in the mail. At first, I didn’t know what it was. There was no return

address on the label and no manifest in with the package. But once I put that tape into the

player, I knew. I just don’t know why they sent it to me. Perhaps somebody is concerned about

me or concerned about him. I think I just want to forget, though. I’m sure I said too much.

He said his mother hated him when he was a boy. He said she wanted a daughter but she had

him, so she tried to make do with what she had. As a kid, he said that he had fantasies of

self-castration, where his mother came in and suddenly loved him as he lay dying. She’d cry and

plead that god doesn’t take her baby and then somehow, everything was right with the world.

Usually, however, he said that she just ignored him or treated him like crap. After all, what

mother could do anything with a son who didn’t love opera or want to have tea on Sunday

afternoon, right?

Details of the Manuscript!!!

Ok, I suppose I should say something about what I've got going so far. :)

The title is The Red Chair. It comes from the opening of the manuscript. I believe the chair in question is going to become a theme, it just has that feeling to it. It'd be kinda nice to have a way to tie all of this stuff together. But, we'll see as it develops!

The style of this is turning out to be a Modern/Post-modern kind of thing. I don't particularly like it but that's how the manuscript is turning out. Perhaps this will change my feelings on the style. That said, I suppose I could talk about the characters but they're still remaining elusive. I'm around 10 pages into this, but I hope to see things begin to show some cohesion soon. It's like I'm reading a book and I can't skip ahead to find out what's coming up!

:P

So, I'm going to do it...

I've decided to take the plunge and I'm giving NaNoWriMo a shot this year. I've been working this evening on a piece for it and I'm already just confused by it. I tend to let my work write itself, especially if it's fiction. If I haven't mentioned it before now, I can't stand the Modernist or the Post-modernist style of writing. It just irritates me to no end and I feel that it is nothing but a major headache for readers.

That said, I'm utterly baffled by why I've got a manuscript coming together in that type of style. I've been writing tonight for about an hour and a half. I'm taking a bit of a brain break. I've decided to write for two hours a day until this thing is finished. The goal is to have 50,000 words in a fiction manuscript by the end of this month (Nov. 30th, at midnight to be precise!).

I've been writing for an hour and a half, as I said just a moment ago. Right now, I've about 10 pages and I'm at 3,049 words. I made myself a few rules for this thing. It's nothing to do with NaNoWriMo's rules. These are supposed to keep me from tearing this thing apart before it is done.

MY RULES FOR NaNoWriMo:

1.) Pages written in a given day don't matter.
2.) Write for 2 hours a day until word count requirement is reached.
3.) Don't re-read pages written until manuscript is complete.
4.) Don't edit for content until manuscript is complete.
5.) Do write what comes to mind, no matter how dopey it sounds.
6.) Let the novel write itself, don't force it!

So, here's hoping it goes well! :) I've told my family and a few friends. Now I've got others who are aware I'm doing it. So I suppose I'm now 'officially' committed to this project. I think if I can prove to myself that I can write a novel in a month then I can get the nerve to go out and publish! :)

I feel uncertain...

I suppose that's as good of a place to start as any. I feel uncertain and afraid. I'm feeling that way alot if not most of the time. I hate it. I'm terrified of various incarnations of ancient fears of mine and I don't know how to shake them off. Evidence piles up that it looks like they're false things to fear and then ... I fall back into them under a different guise. I rather hate it.

I guess there is some form of psychological benefit that comes from it. I honestly don't know what it is. I recognize that there's some unhealthy version of 'magical thinking' going into it. After all, I can not directly impact the decisions of my parent or my brothers to the extent of forcing them to commit to any one course of action. And I'm not responsible for the well being, happiness, or any other obscure thing like that of my family either.

I can't stop being afraid that if I act in a fashion that is true to who I am, however, that I'm going to unleash the bizzare equivallent of an enormous nuclear bomb and destroy all of the good relationships in my life, have the people I love be driven out of my life (or I banished from their lives) and essentially destroy the lives of those around me.


Somedays, I really do hate my family. On the days that I hate them, I am so sorely tempted to just write all of these people who I grew up with and around off, cleaving only to my husband and my son. So, why don't I?

Because the idea of throwing them away ... it breaks my heart and hurts horribly. I have a brother who's attempting to change his relationship with my husband and I. This is the same one who at one point in time said that he wouldn't piss in my mouth to save me from dying of thirst or to put me out if I was on fire.

I can't let the fact that I love them allow me to allow them to hurt me. But I can't bear the thought of kicking them out of my life. I've been trying to figure out some way to control their influence on me but I'm apparently resorting to avoiding and denying things again. It doesn't do me any good. It just aggrivates and extends the psychological issues that I have when it comes to the situation.

I'm ProChoice and here's why.

So, someone sent me one of the usual ProLife/Anti-Abortion emails. Usually, I just delete the things and sneer at them as spam. Something about one I received a few weeks ago just pulled this response out of me.

> Hi folks,
>
> It's election season and we've seen alot of e-mail and
> other stuff about various issues. I'm sure that you
> folks even had an opportunity to read the
> anti-abortion email that I'm replying to here. I
> wanted to take a moment to address the issue from a
> different perspective.
>
> I don't exactly have any fancy emotional arguments or
> any wonderful people to reference, such as Mother
> Theresa. So, please take what I'm saying and treat it
> a bit gently. These are *my* words and it is *my*
> perspective and they're standing on their own here.
>
> I am one of those odd people who supports the decision
> made to legalize abortion on the case of Roe V. Wade.
> If you take the time to read the decision handed down
> by the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS, for
> short)you'll find that the decision was made on the
> basis of privacy. My support of the decision is
> entirely on that basis.
>
> My body is my sovereign ground to do with as I please.
> Laws that are made to restrict what I do can only be
> to the extent of how I affect other people. The
> argument that abortion is murder faces a thorny issue
> of defining when life begins. SCOTUS has consistently
> refused to give a definitive answer to this question,
> as the general consensus is that it is outside of the
> scope of the duties, obligations, and right of what it
> is allowed to do with respect to the Constitution.
>
> I agree that if laws are going to be made to protect
> unborn children, then this question needs answered.
> Until that time, however, there is the question of who
> has the right to determine what you do with your body
> to contend with. The decision handed down by SCOTUS on
> the matter of Roe V. Wade doesn't just legalize
> abortion. It also protects the people of the United
> States from abuse under the color of law in the most
> heinous of ways.
>
> Even now, there are people who serve as elected
> officials on the State and National level who have
> proposed eugenics programs. This includes but is not
> limited to racially, ethnically, and disability based
> programs of sterilization. As long as the decision of
> Roe V. Wade stands, there is *no* hope of those
> repulsive measures being signed into law. To overturn
> that decision opens the door for things far more ugly
> then abortion.
>
> Additionally, the procedure that is known commonly as
> abortion (dilation and cutterage)will place the lives
> of many women such as myself at risk of death due to
> genetic gynecological disorders. I have a condition
> known as Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Among the
> complications that I face is the potential of bleeding
> to death due to menstrual irregularities. The various
> methods of treating this disorder includes things such
> as the proscribing of common birth-control pills.
>
> Birth-control medication is part of a laundry list of
> things that are vehemently opposed by the Pro-Life
> individuals. I don't think that many of the Pro-Life
> group realize that the regulation of hormonal cycles
> which can prevent conception (as it's not 100%
> accurate, only abstinence is that accurate) also
> prevents the ovarian cysts that women with PCOS
> suffer. Ovarian cysts can prove lethal.
>
> If one makes these modes of treatment illegal, one
> then removes effective methods of saving other lives
> for the sake of saving potential lives. I can not in
> good conscience support that because *my* life is
> among the ones that is placed in mortal peril by doing
> so.
>
> And the high handed assumption that abortions are due
> to lazy and morally corrupt individuals who desire to
> be absolved of the responsibility of parenthood is
> repugnant to me. I personally know several women who
> have had abortions. The majority of them had the
> abortion because the pregnancy was not viable. The
> others it was because they were rape victims who had
> no means to even obtain adequate care for themselves
> thru the pregnancy, never mind to care for and raise a
> child. Unfortunately, I find that the negative
> assumptions regarding abortion are not the exception
> but rather the rule in the Pro-Life community.
>
> That disgusts me and I haven't the words to express
> the scorn I feel for the individuals who believe that
> all abortions are matters of convenience.
>
> If you want to vote for life, that's fine. Think
> carefully about what life you are voting for.
> Potential life is not the same as actual life and the
> majority of abortions are done before the first
> trimester is even concluded. As a matter of fact, most
> of them are performed prior to the fetus developing a
> heart or lungs. As such, can you say that the fetus is
> alive? Never mind if it is a person, which is part of
> the emotional appeal that is so frequently used in the
> Pro-Life argument.
>
> I'm sure that some of you are disgusted, horrified,
> repulsed, or enraged by my taking this stance and
> sending this e-mail to you all. It was not my intent
> to evoke any of those feelings from you. My intent was
> to inform and to encourage you to think carefully on
> this matter. The Pro-Life platform does not actually
> save all life in this case. It simply exchanges who is
> at risk for death and undermines our right to do as we
> please with ourselves and the sanctity of our bodies.
>
> Please keep that fact in mind when you consider this
> issue.

been thinking again...

Money is a problem, as per usual.

For some reason, however, my thoughts have been along the lines of resolving the stress in my life with creativity. The same creativity that is blocked when I try to apply it to resolving the financial problems. It's funny, but I tend to get stage fright over some of the oddest situations.

And here I am contemplating what this time...?

I'm contemplating producing a few artworks specifically for an in-game showing. I'm also contemplating making myself a belly dance costume and giving that a shot as well.

Oh, and not doing that in private but rather incorporating it into the in-game event.

On one hand, I'm rather terrified of the concept. On the other, it has been an idea toying at me for almost a year and a half now. Stretch marks and all, I'm seriously tempted. Does this make me a fool?

I don't know, but I think I've figured out my sewing machine's issue and I am going to at least sew that because I've always wanted to have one and I've yards of fabric needing to be used.

Apperances and reality are different.

Reality says that I'm not being ignored or neglected. Reality says that things are doing ok and look like they're going to continue on to be just fine.

Apperances well...

They're entirely different and I'm torn between wanting comfort, a place to hide, and to get into a fight with some one.

I really, really hate stress. It does such stupid shit to me.

As such, I've been washing dishes and attempting to battle back the mess that has overtaken my home. And I'm wondering why the hell my son has refused to take his nap today.

On the upside, he has another tooth and a couple more quite close to popping thru. Looks like it's four teeth at once this time. :P

WOOO!

The game last night was AWESOME! :)

I think the best part was the cars going explody but it's hard to decide. I hadn't laughed that hard in a couple of months with the other crazy stuff that came up before the explody incident.

:)

yet more ramblings, this time sleep deprived. joy!

As you read this, you will know I'm talking to you. It'll be apparent so I'm not going to explain. And those who don't get it, well... enjoy my being moderately cryptic. You could say this is to obtain some meager sense of anonymity on a public space as large as the internet. Even though I question if I've really got to worry about it. I'll just let that thread of thought lay there because I don't feel like dealing with the tangles in it.


Soo...

Hi, how're you? I'd send an e-mail but I'm not in a mood to fight with it right now. For some reason, I feel like e-mail isn't the right medium for this and I don't know if that's ok or not. I've been thinking about you a fair amount recently and trying to understand why I haven't had the nerve to call, chat, or e-mail you of late. I think I figured it out. Seeing the two of you together, I was struck by this horrible sense that I could be possibly coming between you both somehow and that nothing but bad things could come from that.

I also was having a chicken-shit moment or two recently also. Do you know how hard it is to put a few word together infront of you in an attempt to express admiration and affection with out sounding like an idiot? Never mind the whole confusing mess of trying to avoid sounding like a creep or something else equally unpleasant. It sucks and it's just no fun.

I feel like I'm suffocating with ideas and unspoken words pressing down on me but I just can't bring myself to say 'em out loud. The all to straight-laced German side of me insists that it isn't proper to voice those things and that nothing but misery could come from doing so anyhow. To say the least, I really feel like an idiot when I am amazed by how relieved I am after I just blurt out my thoughts.

You know, hubby really had a good point last night when we were talking. I really do obsess far too much over making the 'wrong' choice, decision, or action (what ever is appropriate for the situation) and it really is slowly killing me. At one point somebody said to me that what I'm dealing with is fear that's just habitual. Maybe that's what's been stopping me and is such a part of my staunch old world German upbringing, the habit of a fear of reprisal.

You probably knew all a long that I wanted to just sit and talk with you about all kinds of things but was too terrified to do so because I didn't want to be the source of problems for any of us. You, me, anyone who knows us or is attached to us. Well, I suppose if I'm going to really start living, then I need to do it now.

And that means talking to you even if I stumble over my words and feel like an idiot. I just hope that I don't prove to disappointing when I don't say anything profound or witty. I used to think I was pretty smart, then life came along and kicked me in the teeth and forced me to realise that I'm not as bright as I thought I might be. I may need some guidance and even a kick in the pants to find my way forward here.

Consider this a request to help me out on this. Don't worry, I'll actually be talking with you about this too, just to clarify any confusion.

rambling about the moment.

Right now, I'm just feeling worn out and kinda broken. I'm not sure why.

I just want to go hide my head somewhere and cry.



At the same time, however, I ... I feel a visceral need to be pushed to the edge of my limits. Something to make me feel that white hot heat in my veins and the dizzying mixture of freedom and release that comes with it.

I hate when this feeling settles over me. It makes the world a scary and confusing place. On one hand, I want to go hide and cry. I want to find a warm, safe place where I can be comforted and protected. In the midst of this, however, I want to feel pain, fear, and subjugation within a strictly controlled environment.


It scares me to want such things because a part of my brain insists that I should revile them. There's a laundry list of reasons that come to mind as to the reasons why I should repudiate these desires and divorce myself from them. They start with the fact that I'm a rape and sexual abuse survivior and extend to arguments about how these desires are some how something I'm theoretically programmed to want because I'm a female in a male dominated culture.

All of those things, however, are excuses.


The thing that really scares me is the amount of comfort I find in such things. I want them to happen on a more regular basis, but I don't know what to say or do to somehow make that possible, if it even is possible.


I don't know, maybe my husband is right and some of this need to have my will placed under the hand of another is due to the head trip I had in my childhood from the adults around me. I don't know. Even that feels like it's a lie.

All I know is that right now, nothing would do more to make the world feel like there's some sembelance of order to it then to have that little forbidden itch of mine scratched. And I want to cry because I need to hide any and every inclination I have towards such things on a daily basis.

It wounds my soul to shove aside these things about me. I'm sick and tired of feel like there's something wrong with me because of my sexuality or anything else like that. And I don't know what to do about it. As I get more stressed out, the more I think of these kinds of things and how it would help me be less anxious, and then I realize that it's just not going to happen.

What does that say about me? Does that say that I'm broken some how and I've lied to myself over the last several years in my insistance that I'm not? Does it say that I'm unhealthy in some fashion because of this?

I just want to feel like... I want to feel like I'm not about to fly apart at any moment and I can't figure out what can help me accomplish that on my own.

More thoughts on polyamory.

So, I'm reading the news on CNN's website and I see yet another article about cheating husbands. I see in these articles so many, many stupid ideas that are being perpetuated for no reason other then bullshit. It disgusts me to see so many people saying that if you fall in love with some one they must be your one and only for life. The heart doesn't work like that. You fall in and out of love with people all the time.

It is the relationship that needs to endure this and you need to decide if you want to continue the relationship as time moves forward. You can't force yourself to feel one thing or another because you think you should feel that way. It's wrong to do that and it's ultimately harmful to your psychological well-being. It's not your feelings that determine how you act. They can be a factor in it but they don't decide it. Yes, your feelings are a part of you, but they're a part of you like your arm. If you start beating some one to death, it is because you chose to act in that fashion.

I've got to admit, I'm utterly disgusted by the people who say that they cheated because of their feelings. You cheated because you chose to act on the feelings. You cheated because you believed it was in your best interests to act on those feelings rather then not do so, perhaps because you believed the relationship you had at that moment was not in your best interests at that time. You may be wondering why I'm bringing up the matter of an affair or cheating on your significant other in a post about polyamory.

It's actually connected. The predominant culture looks at polyamory as open invitation to orgies, disloyalty, and debauchery. It's possible to be polyamorus and not cheat. If you choose to maintain your relationships and openly address any issues in them, you're not cheating. It's the same as if you're monogamous. And cheating in polyamory is the same as cheating in monogamy. It's actually an equal risk. Because it all is dependent upon the decision of the individual to choose maintaining their relationship over acting upon their feelings for the person outside of the relationship.

It also gets me angry when people try to say that being polyamorus means you're amoral or otherwise morally deviant. Quite frankly, your morality and mine are different because they're rooted in two entirely different world views. We may have points that we agree are morally wrong or morally good, but we don't think the same way because we don't have the same beliefs. This country has religious freedom which should allow for people who's religion states that polyamory is permissible to engage in it. The real question with the marriage debate is not over the sanctity of marriage.

It is over the social construct's definitions and the rights and privilages accorded to people who are in a committed union. Gay marriage, straight marriage, polyamorous, or monogamous it doesn't change the question. Marriage law shouldn't be a question of the gender or the sexuality. Polyamory may complicate things, but perhaps we should rethink the focus of family law (which is where the question of the role of marriage arises) to more accurately reflect the reality of the situation.

That, however, is my thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Either way, polyamory isn't as bad as people want to make it. And I'm getting sick of watching people demonize others for the fact that they can love more then one person in their lives. We can love our parents, our siblings, our friends, and damn near everyone else on the face of the earth. Are we supposed to turn that off when we get married? It's not a question of who you love but what your relationship with them is.

Polyamory on TV.

Heh, so the Tyra Show is taking on polyamory. The first thing I have to say is I'm disappointed that Tyra keeps trying to push this into the 'shock the public' territory. It's quite clear that the couple and the lovers who are there to discuss their polyamorous relationship are not doing this just for the sex. She keeps trying to push that concept and it's incredibly disrespectful of her to do that.

And they just topped Tyra's disrespect by this bullshit with a gal and her guy asking her best friend on national TV to be their lover and the best friend had no clue why she was on TV until they asked! I'm sorry, but that would just offend the everloving fuck out of me. I'm pretty easy going and I like to think that I'm a very forgiving person. But that is just offensive as hell and so absolutely disrespectful of the friend.

I'll post more on this. Laundry and the boy need my attention.

Contemplating *evil* :)

So, some of my neighbors are trying to cause mischief. They apparently have a bee in their bonnets over the fact that I'm *gasp* a witch. They've go so far as to warn people about me and say that they'll have nothing to do with me because I'm a witch. These folks have brought a fair amount of misery to several people around this apartment complex.

I've been considering pranking them. I've been seriously considering it. I can't stand bigots and I really can't stomach two-faced individuals who pretend to be friends of mine and then go about attempting to make me look bad. The ideas that I've looked at and thought were amusing have made the last few afternoons entertaining.

Talking to the gamers I know and arranging a zombie horde to show up at their house, for example, could be good for a giggle. But I keep thinking about the insistence by some of the folks around town that this town is haunted and possibly cursed and I can't help but smile. I find the idea of making them think that their home is haunted just delicious.

Looking at it, however, i am faced with the ethical dilemma: is the prank and juvenile satisfaction/revenge of this operation worth the potential backlash this could cause. Normally, the answer is a flat out 'no' but right now... I'm finding myself drawn increasingly towards a 'yes'. Is this a good or a bad thing?

X-post from other blog

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.

Well, this is challenging.

Yesterday, my Mother-In-Law visited. She brought over a big box of blocks for the boy's first birthday (they were out of town the day of the party) and a bag of stuff for me. She was just as excited over what she brought me as she was over what she brought the baby. So, of course, I had to open it up. Inside I found that she had brought over more wool for me to spin and two absolutely beautiful small hand-spindles. There also was a book on spinning and knitting with handspun fiber.

She showed me how to card the white corriedale wool she brought me. She then showed me how to use the bottom whorl drop spindle. I've been learning on a top whorl drop spindle that is heavier then both of these little beauties put together. I've learned something important. The smaller the spindle, the faster it spins and the finer you can spin your fiber. I've also learned that bottom whorl drop spindles are difficult to start and a little more labor intensive then the top whorl version.

That said, I'm going to put in a good amount of effort to learn how to use both of these, as the faster these things spin the more challenging it is to get nice smooth yarn from them. I'm delighted to say that with some of my first efforts, I've managed to make well... thread with this. It gives me great hope that I'll eventually be making my own embroidery floss with this! It's not as smooth as what I was doing on the larger top whorl spindle, but it's still quite thrilling. I've spun a bit on each of my new spindles. I'm debating using the larger spindle to ply (twist together) the material. I think it is strong enough to hold the larger spindle's weight.

And I have to say, Corriedale wool is so increidlby soft! It'll make some very, very nice little clothes for the boy. I'm thinking I may use some of my handspun wool to make a pair of booties for my cousin's little girl who'll be born early next year. I'm absolutely delighted with the progress I'm making learning how to do this stuff, in case you can't tell.

I've also set to work on a lovely surprise for my Father. Each time I learned to do something new with handcrafts, I'd been giving samples of it to my Mother. I've decided that this year, I'm going to give Dad a scarf made from the wool that I've spun. I may not have enough to make it entirely from this, but it's alright because I know that even if there's just a panel of a scarf made with it, it'll be appreciated and a pleasant surprise.

The other fiber arts related challenge I'm facing right now is trying to figure out how to use this Knifty Knitter that I bought almost a month ago. My plan is to use it to make hats and scarves for each of my neices. I'm thinking this will be a fun project to work on and it goes incredibly fast. I've made two hats already, though they're not quite the size I needed them to be. I'm going to buy some commercially made yarn for that to accent the blue that I have kicking around from the sweater project that never happened.

Next year, I'll make my husband his knitted sweater. I just haven't gotten enough of this stuff figured out how to do it yet. I think by this time next year, I'll be most of the way done with a sweater for him and possibly even a few other projects too!

Edited to Add: I'll try to post up in the next few weeks some pictures of me spinning, what I've got to work with, and what I've made so far!

A little more politics.

So, I made the mistake of watching the first of the Presidential Debates last night. Before I launch into my rant on the substance of that debacle, I've got to first say one thing:

Why the hell do they call it a debate?

I understand that they could claim the two candidates 'debated' the issues brought up but I highly doubt that you can honestly say it was a real debate. It was closer to two children standing out in the street screaming about who's daddy is bigger then two grown men engaging in a debate regarding important issues facing the nation today. And the claims that this was a 'very polite' debate? Those were just as laughable as the concept that this was supposed to be a debate. I'm sorry but polite does not mean interrupting or speaking over the person you're having a discussion with. It doesn't mean being condescending or patronizing to the other person either. And it doesn't mean lobbing veiled insults either. Unfortunately, both of the candidates engaged in that, which just served to lower my opinion of them. I had hoped that both of these respected politicians would engage in civil discourse on the matters that were presented. They failed, however, and have only served to prove that politicians are opportunistic slugs and ego maniacs.

Now, on to the stuff that came spewing out the mouths of these fine men. For the most part, I found it irritating that neither candidate really put any effort into answering the questions posited. Barack Obama did attempt to answer one, but he gave a very... poor answer. If you're going to say that you can't comment on a bill that doesn't exist or that you haven't reviewed, then just say it that directly. Don't beat around the bush and try to mangle the answer into some mismash of rhetoric and your philosophical musings. It's irritating and intellectually dishonest. The American people are not populated with a pack of dimwits (please, Goddess, be kind and let that be true).

It was repulsive how much time each candidate spend posturing and holding forth on how unqualified the other was. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe we'd get to hear the answers to the questions asked and that we'd see a real debate. Instead, we saw them using their few minutes apeice on a given topic to pose and poke at each other. It almost makes me think they don't know what a debate is. Now, I will say, John McCain did seem to go out of his way to initiate the verbal attacks but he didn't exactly appear to desire to answer the questions.

It was actually rather laughable how neither man seemed to have any answers as to how they'd adjust their plans for spending in the wake of what ever bail out package is passed. It's also rather disappointing to see them jump right into back biting, bickering, and general bitching as to who is going to waste more money. It wasn't addressing how they planned to save money during their future administration but how the other guy was going to spend it during his future administration! Yeah, I wasn't impressed in the least with that bullshit. I pretty much did my best to ignore the debate when it got really full of that kind of blustering.

My attention got ripped away back to it, however, when McCain was implying that it may be necessary to engage in military action with Iran. I felt a little ill when that started. I just felt increasingly in shock and horror as this line of talk expanded between both of the candidates. I think the thing that just left me in absolute disgust and briefly unable to speak was when Obama said that military action should be engaged with Pakistan.

I'm sorry, but the man who's campaign has been centered around the fact that he voted against the Iraq war has just made an absolute hypocrite of himself beyond repair. I was going to vote for him until he started talking about continuing the Bush Doctrine and spreading the war in Afghanistan into Pakistan. I'm sorry, last I checked Pakistan was a soverign nation and an ally of the United States! Once I heard those words out of his mouth, quite frankly, I realized that he's no different then McCain, Bush, or anyone else in the national government right now.

They all want to be petty dictators under the guise of being freely elected Presidents. Why has the petty dictatorships around the world been tolerated by the USA? Because we want to be just like them! Why else have things like the Patriot Act been passed? It's not for national security! It's to turn the free citizens of the United States in to subjects!

I haven't the words for how disgusted and horrified I am by both of these candidates. Sure, they may say that they weren't advocating continuing these wars abroad, but they sure as hell were making that loud and clear. Nothing can wash away the stain on the hands of these men. They have acted in collusion with the sitting President of the United States, as have damn near, if not everyone in Congress and the Justice Department, to engage in treason and high crimes against the United States of America.

Forget the war on terror, people, we've got a hell of alot more fish to fry and they're alot bigger then Osama Bin Laden!

Struggling.

Yeah, I guess that's the word for it right now. I finally cried. That was last night.

I'm torn between deep anger at how the doctors blew off Rose's concerns and those of her husband and just ... wordlessly deep grief.

So many years of friendship on this green earth that were waiting are gone.
Making up for missing the wedding by throwing the baby shower... that'll never happen now.

So many other things that I had hoped for and looked forward to seeing, like going to the big 50th wedding anniversary party for them...

It hurts to realize just how many things you hoped to see and it may hurt as much as realizing how much you didn't say because you got in your own way.

I'm officially disturbed by this.

If you had seen these on the Today show, you probably were wondering 'what the hell?' or something else along those lines.

Yeah, this is yoinked from the web and this is the news article it is from. Don't anyone jump down my throat for not attributing this, because the link back *is* my giving credit where it is due. I also must warn that I am about to launch into a vulgarity laden rant about this concept.

Now, maybe it is just me, but I think there is something very wrong with trying to dress small children like adults, specifically when one takes clothing designs intended to make the wearer sexually appealing and translate it into supposedly 'kid-friendly' fashions. These idiotic high heels for infants (oh, and they're not meant for walking, as the heel collapses with weight applied) are but the latest wave in a trend that has included (among other horrors) string bikinis for toddlers, bikini waxing for 8 year old girls, and making teen and pre-teen girls dress like either cheap prostitutes or poorly paid porn stars (Don't believe me? Click here and here for examples. There's alot more out there on the web!).

Look, I don't have a problem with kids wanting to get dressed up and look kinda like the adults around them. There's nothing wrong with that. It's fairly natural. Children want to imitate the adults around them as imitation is part of learning about how to be an adult. But I've got a huge problem with:

1. Turning children into sex objects: Dressing little kids in 'sexy' fashions is just that. It's the visual version of pimping your children out to pedophiles. This makes them more of a target!
   
   
2. Borderline sexual abuse for the sake of conventional fashion wisdom: Most 8 yr old have no pubic hair! Waxing is applying hot wax to the skin, putting pelin papers on the wax, and ripping the paper and hair off after the wax has cooled. The bikini area is very sensitive and it willfor the first time. Now, it may sound like I'm biased here and I may be talking out my ass, but I'm not. It hurt like a bitch when I had my legs waxed for the first time last summer. I didn't have a bikini wax, I don't think I'm ever going to because I know how sensitive that region of my body is and I know it'll hurt worse then having my legs waxed.
   
3. Encouraging the negative self-esteem issues with these treatments: Look, people, acne happens. It's actually a fairly natural part of puberty. Hormones change your body chemistry and it's reflected in all sorts of ways, including an increase in acne. Children do not need dermabrasion to reveal youthful looking skin underneath. Dermabrasion is using a fine grit paste to scrape layers of skin off your face! Most adults do it to try to get down to the layers of skin that have more moisture in them and thus look younger. Taking those top layers of skin off removes part of a protective barrier between you and the rest of the world. It can make acne worse. If done too much, it will damage your skin. What the hell are you doing to your kids if you teach them:
   
   * Your skin is not attractive the way it is because you have acne.
   * Acne, blemishes, and large pores are ugly and need corrected.
   * Your skin is not attractive because it is too dry/oily.
   * Your skin is not attractive because it is not tanned.
   * Your face is not attractive because it is not evenly toned.
   * Your face is not attractive the way it is because your eyebrows are not perfect.
   
   I see a pattern emerging here, do you?
   

Seriously, what the hell are you parents who go out and try to dress your children like the women on the runway thinking? Yeah, I am judging you. And I don't give a good goddamn if I get flamed for this. I've been on the receiving end of that kinda treatment. Let me tell you, it made my teen years even more of a hell that I'm struggling to recover from and I'm just a few months shy of 30.

You tell your kids that their face/figure/hair color/teeth are not attractive, you are telling them that they are ugly. You are telling them that they are not deserving of affection and that they are not going to be accepted. Seriously, it makes me sick to my stomach to see this as a growing cultural trend and it's got to stop. I don't know what the hell you people are thinking. It's one thing to say, "Honey, that's not your most flattering look. Try this color blouse instead, it will do a better job of bringing out XYZ feature that you were trying for with this." or "Sweetheart, you really need to wash your face more often because it'll keep it healthier."

But to tell teach them to hate things about themselves that they can not change at such a young age? That's beyond vile. I haven't the words to express my disgust and contempt for parents who treat their children like that. You are abusing your children. Oh, you may not be hitting them or hurting them in some physical fashion. But you are hurting them psychologically and emotionally, and that is wrong. Just because you don't like the color of their hair, the fact that they get acne, or even the color of their eyes, doesn't give you grounds to be critical about it. And that's what this is. It makes you no better then the other kids at school who harass them. It actually makes you worse because your children trust you and expect you not to engage in this kind of behavior.

Now, there are some things that are a bit of a rite of passage. Teaching the teenage girl how to apply make up (if she's interested), explaining to her the basics of feminine hygiene, and how to put together outfits that are flattering to her appearance is a basic part of growing up which is needed for the girl to transition into womanhood. Teaching the teenage boy how to dress in a fashion which is flattering to his appearance and the basics of masculine hygiene are also a basic part of growing up for a boy and helps him to transition into manhood. But this is obscene.

Yes, teach your teen how to take care of their skin. Teach your teen how to dress in a way that plays up the features they believe are their best. Teach them how to cope with the hormonal changes and physical changes that comes with puberty. Don't engage in this soul destroying bullshit that's so popular with the 'in crowd' right now.

We're adults. We're supposed to be beyond this high-school bullshit. Participating in putting our children thru it is reprehensible and each adult and parent who participates should be deeply ashamed of themselves. It's our job to teach them how to value themselves because of their intrinsic value. When self-esteem becomes focused upon external things, the person in question is hurt and will continue to be hurt as life sweeps things away.

Don't do that to your kids, for the love of anything sacred, for the love of your children.

A little politics.

So, who else out there in the Interwebz has seen this? You may have even heard it in the news today. Apparently, our fearless leader (or as some folks have called him the Prezitator) approved an act of war towards one of our allies and attempted to keep it hush-hush. Oh, wait, that's what sending special forces troops across the border of another soverign nation to engage in sorties with a force that's been engaging you in the area where you're conducting a war, Mr. President?

Please, tell me what the hell it is then? Because, even a country hick like myself can tell you that such things isn't anything even remotely like good international relations. And I don't know a damn thing about foregin politics or anything else like that. And you know what makes this even better, it casts some real doubt on those denials by the President and everybody else in the Executive Branch of our government's that there was any incursions across the Iraq-Iran border.

Seriously, I'm convinced the only reason why Pakistan hasn't declared war on the USA is because they are too strapped for the cash and resources to do so. Maybe it's just me, but this kinda shit is insane. It's just made all the more vulgar and disgusting with it being hilighted today, on the anniversary date of the terrorist attacks. Why? Well, it's fairly simple:

It appears to justify those attacks in the eyes of people around the world who have some kind of an argument with the USA.

But, who cares about that? Right? After all, he's a Lame Duck President and he can't do shit about shit, right?

If you truly believe the above statement, I've got a bridge to sell you.

As the President continues this bullshit, it's clear that he needs to be impeached. In my opinion, I would also argue that he and the other decision makers at the top level of the Executive Branch of the government of the United States of America should additionally be tried for treason. After all, he has actively worked to deprive us of our rights to due process, our freedom of speech, and several other basic rights that are vital to the health and continued wellbeing of this nation.

Thoughts.

Rose is dead. She died in her sleep night before last. It pains me to think of it because I'm not feeling like my heart has been torn from my chest. Stargazer suggested to me when we talked on the phone yesterday that perhaps it's just a matter of being in shock. I honestly don't know.

It's so hard to remember that she's dead. I keep thinking that I've got this or that e-mail to send her, X fabric to show her, and such.

And then, we have the fanfare and ritualized/staged national mourning of '9/11'. I've had the TV off all day and the radio too. I just didn't want to listen to any of it. It makes me sick to see it.

It doesn't feel like it's been 7 years.

At the same time, I can't help but feel horror and disgust at the fact that we're engaged in military action in Iraq. Those people had nothing to do with the events on that day aside from the fact that they claim to practice the same religion. Even that is subject to debate.

It troubles me even more when I know that publicly voicing these opinions off of the internet would earn me a rather unpleasant set of circumstances.

Update

Hey there!

The last few weeks have been busy and rather exhausting. The boy's first birthday party went fantastically well. We really lucked out on the weather. It was a beautiful day (though a tad too humid for my comfort) and nearly everybody made it to the party. It was a really fantastic surprise to have our friends from Buffalo drive out for the party.

Those of you who happen to read my blog here that made it to the party, THANK YOU!! I will be posting pictures up here soon. As I don't know how to get them off of the camera, that'll be done by my dear and darling husband in the immediate future. (The memory card is getting full, so he can't really procrastinate now!)

The boy is getting bigger everyday it seems. He's decided that he wants to crawl now. Those little hands slap incredibly fast on the floor when he decides that he wants to scurry across the room to get into mischief. We also seem to be going thru more laundry of late, but it could be that it's due to my son putting in extra effort on feeding himself. We've graduated to sippy-cups, but we're now back to bottles.

Apparently, bottles are much easier when teeth are trying to come in. The little man is now in his "big kid" car seat. It makes getting ready to drive some where *so* much easier. As a result of this, he now sits in the seat of the shopping carts and it's been an interesting time when we go to the grocery store. He is starting to discover that if he reaches out, some times he can actually reach the items on the shelves. He is also discovering that Momma doesn't put up with that either.

I suppose it's been almost a week now... I'm not entirely sure. He has been just eating like crazy. I think it's because he's going thru a growth spurt. Fortunately, however, he has not been half as cranky as he was a few days before his birthday. Nap times and keeping him on schedual, however, has not gone that well. The birthday party and visiting family have combined to completely throw off the daily schedual. So, the next little while is going to be interesting.

I think I'm going to change things a little bit while I get him back on a schedual. I think I'll be changing when we get up. I've been waking up at about 6:30 am again on an almost daily basis of late. I think I'll just accept this fact and start getting the boy up at about 7:00. It may make the morning routine a little easier. And, who knows, maybe he will actually cooperate and take his nap at naptime. I'd add more right now but it's time for lunch.

Ah, the wisdom of children.

I'm sitting here with my son asleep on my lap (in his sling) saying that I'm thankful he's unconscious rather then screaming in my ear. (Teething is so much worse then it's presented as. Don't let *anybody* fool you!) So, I decided to sit here and read the news on CNN's website. At which point I saw this iReport article about a father taking his kids' XBox and nailing it to a tree because he was sick of their constant fighting and general bad behavior with this toy.

Reading the comments yeilded much hilarity. I think it was the comments from intamesalvag that did it for me. I have to say, it's really priceless how teens can claim that they know more about parenting children then the parents do. As a kid, I got ticked off when my parents got on my case for my attempt to make what I thought were intelligent comments in the conversation. Looking back on it now, I realize that my comments were intelligent but woefully lacking, to the extent where they had to be disregarded. What my comments as a kid lacked was a combination of a full comprehension of the situation and the type of knowledge that comes with experience.

I think I'm not going to necessarially snap at my child when he gets to the age where he thinks he can give adequate input on topics such as disciplining a child. I believe that I'm probably going to ask him to leave the conversation and then come back to him later and explain what his ideas were missing. I know that I hated the experience of being chastised and dismissed by my parents when I tried to get involved in the more 'grown up' discussions. I don't want my son to feel that he's being castigated. I think, however, that using the situation as an opportunity to teach him would be a good idea.

Sometimes, kids do have really great and innovative ideas that can lead to some interesting solutions to problems. They also need to learn how to navigate the territories of adulthood at *some* point in time. There's alot of stuff that can be learned in the safety of the home, where there is the support structure of family, and the greatest risks are generally to one's pride. Perhaps this is one of those things that can be brought up, explored, and taught to some extent before the child is out on their own in the world.

i'm not happy.

right now, i feel out of the loop. i want to be involved in stuff going on in the game i'm a part of but i can't really because i now have a two and a half month gap. i can't seem to get the stuff for another game i want to be a part of figured out.

and i feel like i maybe should scrap stuff and start over again on all of that. i don't know. i feel so horribly disappointed because it seems like i'm always trying to get things taken care of, cleaned up, or something else done around here. sure, i've got small projects that i can throw a little time at but i feel guilty for it because so much else needs done.


i don't know what to do.

forgotten fun from the interwebz

here's something i forgot about. go ahead, click it. ;)