Happy Pride Month, Keep Fighting.

 Dear Reader,

I have found one method of wrapping my hair that agrees with my scalp. Wearing a cotton kerchief beneath the scarves works out pretty well. Then I wrap it rather securely, because I have a small head.

You may have noticed a theme in the colors. They're the colors for the bisexual flag. I'm not as tired as I look in this pic. I'm just exasperated with the computer's shenanigans before I was actually get it to take the pic.

The colors in the bisexual flag are purple, pink, blue, and black. I think it's fantastic. The way I wrapped this is in a double braided crown. Then I used a hair taping technique to bind the two braids together with my blue ribbon. I'm wearing my heart earrings because LOVE! The chipped stone necklaces are rose quartz, amythest, and sodalite. The pendant that you can't see on the silver chain is my Greenman pendant for Freyr. I see him as a god who approves of Pride and works behind the scenes to help the movement be successful. Another goddess (aside from Freyja who is all about this business) that I associate with Pride is Lofn, the Nordic and Germanic goddess of forbidden relationships, the one who shelters lovers that others try to pull apart and encourages them to have hope in their relationship's strength.

Lately, Beloved and I have been watching with horror the push back against Pride and the LGBTQ+ community. We've been doing what little we can. He has a pink hat with the Progress flag on it. I have a jacket with all kinds of Pride stuff on it and something for people who are in domestic abuse situations (i.e. that queer kid getting abused by there parents can talk to me and I can point them in the direction of resources that will help them).We're planning to do more activisim in a less passive way. Because if our boys tell us that they're part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum, we want to make sure it's safe for them.

Fiber fluff update on hold this week.

 I'd love to describe my latest creations to you but I haven't been working on anything over the last little while. I'm struggling with some really rough feelings right now and my heart isn't in playing with yarn. This isn't grief from my maternal grandfather's death finally catching up with me (though some would have possibly theorized that since he died on the first). I'm actually perfectly fine with the fact that he's dead and I say good riddance to that man because he was a bully and an abuser. He and I weren't close and I know that he would have disapproved of my entire lifestyle. So, fuck that noise.

No, what's got me in a bit of a tizzy is the fact that C- is out of prison. He's on parole which means that he's being monitored. It still doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid that he's going to come looking for me, harass me, and/or do some kind of harm. I don't live down in Wellsville anymore. I don't think anyone lives in that building now, if the family even owns it still. That'd be the place he'd look for me because that was where I lived when he was in my life.

But, there's these websites that let you look up people and they give phone numbers, addresses, and a list of people connected to them. I found my information up on one of those sites and I nuked it. This was shortly after some idiot in Texas tried to steal my identity. (I then put my credit on freeze and started looking up my information so that I could make it go away.) I know there are other sites that have my information up there. I'm afraid of him using that to come find me. I tell myself it's an irrational fear.

Then again, C- has started roaming around in neighborhoods where one of his former girlfriends have lived, presumably looking for them. I got a panicked message from her and she explained that she didn't know what to do. I told her what my plan was if he showed up on my doorstep intending to harm me or my family - cast iron frying pan to the face at full force. 

The last time I had interaction with C-, he was attempting to wrestle me down into submission so that he could have his way with me. I managed to get my arms free and told him to stop or I'd break his neck. He laughed and said I didn't know how. It was one of the few things I remember Sensei teaching us in the self-defense class with crystal clarity. I positioned my hands and arms so that if I had to, I could. C-'s face went white and he scrambled off of me in a hurry. He made a point of leaving the premises damn quick after that.

My getting involved with C- was a mistake. C- played a game and figured out the buttons to push to make me dissociate. It made that relationship difficult and confusing because it really fucked with my memory and mental state. Beloved was concerned and encouraged me to start seeing a therapist. We figured that my c-ptsd from being in an abusive relationship in the past was acting up again. When C- was out of the picture, my memory and my mental state improved.

It's made me a bit gunshy about polyamory with incarnate people. I worry that it'll be a repeat of what happened with C-, but with even worse consequences because Beloved and I are married and have kids now. Life's changed a lot since 2003-2004. Unfortunately, I am still on some level afraid of C-. It's made the last few days difficult.

Being Fully Myself (pt. 2)

I have figured out a way to do my fancy scarves with out putting too much stress on my hair (which was making it begin to thin in places). I have a snood underneath the scarf instead of tying my hair up into a ponytail or attempting a bun. Theoretically, that'll reduce the stress on my hair. So far, this is comfortable and not really moving much. I like the crown style because it feels like my head is getting a hug. It helps ground me and it looks good on me. I had to fold my black and brown pashmina down by 1/3 because my head is small but it worked out alright in the end. You can see my ribbon choker in better detail in this pic. That big, faceted glass heart is a real statement piece on this ribbon. 

I'm going to be wearing my fancy scarves again, because I like how they feel and how they look. I'm going to see how I can mix colors with the black look. I think it would be cool to accomplish getting that shiny magenta scarf to work with my jet black pashmina. It'll be tricky though. But, as I said in my last post, the opinions of others doesn't count unless they're important in my life. 

I am working on not censoring myself in speech as much as I am working on allowing myself to dress in what makes me comfortable and feel happy. Obviously, I have to limit vulgarity because I have two kids who are trying to figure out how to get away with it at school. It's not school appropriate language, so I am being creative in my work arounds. Or I am just refraining all together. I have been putting off doing my therapy journal work where this new effort to stop censoring myself is vital. I've been anxious about what my brain is trying to get out. I've been feeling like there's some kind of trauma memory coming to the surface and it is making me uneasy. Trauma memories are not easy to deal with or to work through.

I have decided that I am going to start writing in my off-line journals about my sexuality and trying to make sense of what it is that I truly desire. I have this problem that arousal makes my ability to speak go tilt and language just doesn't work right for me. Beloved finds some entertainment in this, so it's not all bad. It is, however, a real difficult thing to communicate what I want when I get like that. So, I am going to take the journal/scrapbook that I started about five years ago (and then abandoned) and I'm going to start writing about things that I enjoy and such. I may start posting erotica again on my erotica blog. It was a project that I started for a potential poly-partner that got weird about the time that potential partner move out west and deities started making their presence known in my life.

I'm a sexually submissive person that really enjoys objectification. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed it until the last few years. It confuses me that people think I'm switch. Beloved explained that people can be dominant in one setting and submissive in another setting. When he phrased it that way, it made a bit more sense. I mean, if you're looking for someone to drop kick you into doing what's healthy for you, I can do that. If you're looking for someone to take control in the bedroom, I really am bad at that. We've attempted that a few time and the failures were hilarious. We still chuckle over how I just can't top. He's made jokes about it. It's still funny.

I have come to realize that vanilla sex is excessively triggering for me, aside from being pretty much the polar opposite of what gets me off. I was feeling badly about this and like there was something wrong with me. Then, I thought about it, every time I was sexually assaulted, it was more or less vanilla sex that my assailant was after. Kink is my refuge and safe place from those memories. It is where I can put aside the stress of the day from being in charge of a household and just let Beloved take control of the situation. It's a relief for me to do that (aside from really exciting) because it makes for one less thing to worry about. When we were attempting to be more vanilla in our approach to sex, it was a disaster. I wasn't having flashbacks  left and right because Beloved knows what my triggers are in physical contact, but arousal was a problem for me. I found myself having emotional flashbacks later and feeling depressed. It was just awful. For a little bit, it was looking like we were damned to sexual frustration and something akin to celibacy.

Then we decided to go back to what worked for us in the past. While we couldn't play as hard as we did in the past, sex improved in direct proportion the more we moved away from what resembled vanilla sex. We're still figuring out how to make things work with the fact that the kids can sorta hear what's going on because that wall between their room and ours is the one thin one in this stupid building. It feels like we're relearning how to approach kink. As Beloved said, "We're going to do science." It is challenging because our sexual appetites are not completely in synch and I still have problems with masturbation (it triggers my ptsd for a few reasons that are a bit too gross to get into here). I think, however, that we're going to figure this out and make a way to have a more active and healthier sex life. I know that some people would be horrified by what we're into (which isn't why I'm going into more detail) and that is part of the reason why I can't wear the collar all the time. 

Still, we're finding ways to make this work and we're working together to do that. That's reassuring for me because I have a lot of emotional issues surrounding sex, still. I'm angry and sad that I still get triggered because of the sexual assaults that happened to me. There are things that I want to do that I struggle with or just can't do because of what was done to me. It's not fair and I hate that I'm like this. It makes me feel like I'm broken. Beloved pointedly reminds me that I am not broken, I am injured and healing from a grievous one at that. He regularly says that I need to stop trying to run on a broken leg when I get frustrated and try to force myself to do things that are hard for me. It's a gentle reproach, but it makes it real clear that he's not going to tolerate my putting myself into a position where I can injure myself more.

The D/s side of our relationship is a bit more complex and complicated than it used to be. At the same time, I am finding it immensely comforting and helpful when he just cuts through the chaos I have surrounded myself with it tells me what needs to happen next. I tend to get sensory overload and then have executive functioning issues (like I get a little panicky about ordering from an unfamiliar menu because choice overload and I have to ask him for help on it). We both know it's a direct result of trauma that I'm still working on processing. Growing up in a household where every choice you made was deemed the wrong choice tends to make choices of just about any sort scary. Having someone I can turn to and ask for help making them is a big deal. And that just kinda naturally had worked its way into our kink. He doesn't order me around and micromanage my day, but he does push me in the directions that I need to go to be healthy. And he makes a point of praising me when I do accomplish things that make me healthier on my own and in response to his pressure.

I don't know if you could call it a 24/7 D/s thing. I don't know how to describe it. I just know that when my executive functioning goes to shit and my anxiety spikes, he firmly puts me back into my place and keeps me there until I have calmed down. It's like we're living the joke of the submissive saying to their dominant person, "I'll do anything for you." and the dominant person starts listing off things like 'drink more water, eat healthier, get some exercise, brush your teeth' and the submissive person goes 'wait, not like that!'

Please tell me it's not Monday.

 I started my day off literally running face first into a wall. No concussion or anything major, but I feel quite uncomfortable. I have really bad night vision and I am now waking up before the sun in a room with no windows (due to bad planning when they converted this building into apartments). I suppose it was just a matter of time that I had it happen, but I am frustrated.

 I didn't sleep well last night. I had dreams of watching the police brutalize a peaceful protestor who was sitting on the grassy median on some highway holding a sign that read, "No justice, no peace. Know justice, know peace." I was screaming at them to stop as they beat this man who wasn't hurting anyone. I woke up with the screaming in my throat waiting to come out. That was around 2am this morning.

I did not know the extent of the wild fires out west until this morning. It's terrifying, especially considering that I have some folks who are dear to me out there. As of the moment, they are safe, but I worry about them. I am afraid that between the pandemic and the wild fires, there's going to be a great deal of injury and loss of life out west. Like the instances of police violence and systemic oppression, I am helpless to do anything about it but pray.

The good news for today is that packages that Beloved and I were waiting on arrived safely. Cuddle Bear decided to take it upon himself to make lunch for him and his brother because I wasn't feeling well. He did a pretty good job. Snuggle Bug has managed to not make the kitchen a lego firewalk when he was building earlier. And when a box of legos fell over, he picked it up like it was no big deal.

I feel rotten right now and I'm trying not to let on to that fact around the kids. They, however, have noticed that I don't feel well. Hence my eldest deciding to make lunch and the kids attempting to independently manage the digital learning stuff they were doing this morning on their own. The digital learning was a mixed bag situation. One of the boys (Snuggle Bug) had problems with the Zoom meeting where it just wasn't going to let him into his class. It kept saying it was trying to connect and then nothing happened. Fortunately, Cuddle Bear was in the same meeting with the teacher and communicated what the problem was. So, Snuggle Bug wasn't counted as absent, but the problem with getting into class meetings persisted. We're guessing it was something internet related and hoping that tomorrow goes better.

I am feeling somewhat distraught about some bodily issues I have going on related to perimenopause. The doctor has ordered some blood work and next week I get to go have an ultrasound to make sure there are no abnormalities with my uterus. I'm experiencing more aggressive perimenopause symptoms than most women my age. The distressing part is how it is impacting my ability to have sex. I have a high pain tolerance and I do have some kinks involving masochism but the pain after we've accidentally gone too far or pushed things a little too hard, that sucks and reminds me of horrible things at random moments. Yay ptsd. (It can die in a fire.)

Ramblings. (TMI: Lady bits stuff)

 I'm too young for this shit. I'm defnitely perimenopausal. I'm having sexual difficulties and that's being compounded by the fact that I suddenly have a rather significant sexual appetite. It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that lubrication is a problem. When we got silicone based stuff, that helped some but we still have had incidents where I've begun bleeding in the process of things and everything has to stop. 

I can almost tolerate my hair going grey and thinning out in spots. But this business of my sex life (which was kinda on life support to begin with because I have kids, nature's most effective form of birth control) being problematic again is bullshit. It's beginning to look like I physically don't have the capacity to engage in sexual activity for the length of time it takes for me to achieve satisfaction because I injure myself somehow in the process and begin bleeding.

I have no words for how upsetting this is. It took me years of therapy and hard work to get to where I could enjoy sex. There are positions that we can't use becasue they trigger flashbacks, still. I feel like I'm damned some how to never get what I desperately want - a healthy, passionate sex life. Here I am, trauma is swept out of the way by hormones thanks to bodily changes. I feel like I can pursue sex and nothing bad is going to happen to me because of it. It's a liberating feeling. And yet, my body is failing me in this department.

I don't know if it is because everything there has become more sensitive. I don't know if it is because no matter how much lube we use it just won't be enough. I have no idea. I could theoretically bring this up with my gyno, but I don't think there's much she could say to help with that matter. I'm frustrated and sad. I feel like I'm broken, again.

Cisgender but not Femme enough.

I've been sitting on this topic for years struggling with the question if I should even write this. I've written about it in my journals. It's been a struggle for me since I was in elementary school. Socially, I didn't fit the roles expected of me as a girl.I was branded a tomboy with the expectation that I'd grow out of it. I tried to fit in with my peers but severe bullying made it difficult. It didn't help that there was a lot of blatant misogyny in my parents' household that just got worse over the years.

As I came of the age of menarche, the bullying became far worse. With the onset of my period being terribly unpredictable due to my having polycycstic ovarian syndrome, I had several instances where my period began with out warning at school. Pretty much immediately after that I was shunned and treated as though I was the most disgusting and reviled of creatures by my peers. They threw ketchup on me, laughing. They spat on me and told me that I was little better than a dog because I couldn't control my period. At the same time, my mother was harassing me over the fact that she felt that I was being lazy about tracking my period and being excessive in my use of menstrual products. At one point, she and I had a 'discussion' about how if I was going to continue to be 'irresponsible' about keeping track of my menstrual cycle, I was going to have to pay for my own menstrual products. I was nine, living functionally in the middle of no where and I didn't even get allowance or some pittance for performing chores around the house so I could theoretically have money to pay for my menstrual products.

At the same time as all of this was going on, my body began to develop body hair and other secondary feminine sex characteristics. I was harassed about my breasts being small by other girls who were developing at a different rate. I was harassed mercilessly about my facial hair. The fact that my voice actually dropped in pitch netted me harassment as well. So, the message from my peers was that I wasn't as femme as they and I had no hope of ever 'catching up'. It was brutal. Because it wasn't just quirks of anatomy that didn't make me fit in well either. As I mentioned at the beginning, I wasn't good at performing the typical 'girl' behaviors. I was socially awkward and sensitive, perhaps a bit more than others. I didn't know how to shave my legs, so changing in the locker room for gym got me more harassment. (One person called me a hairy ape because I had not shave my legs, armpits, or my face before that day's swimming lesson. They went on a long tirade about how I was disgusting and an 'evolutionary throwback' because of my body hair) I didn't really know about how to apply make up.

One would theorize that my mother would have been willing to somehow assist in this. She consistently mocked my efforts to learn on my own. She declared me to look like a cheap harlot, a circus clown, and a bad mockery of a drag queen at various times. When I attempted to develop my own sense of clothing style, I leaned towards femme looks and my mother berated me for it. The conservative looks got the accusation of being a prude. The more modern looks got me the accusation of looking like a cheap whore or an attention seeking slut. (Just a few more lines and you'll see the bitter, bitter irony of these accusations.) The times where I ignored convention and attempted to come up with my completely own style of dress netted demands that I change into more 'normal' clothes because I looked like an embarrassment to the family.

My parents made it very clear that they were disappointed that I was born female. They weren't quite as beligerant about it until I hit that magical age of puberty. Then my father became distant. Then my mother all but accused me of trying to sleep with every boy in town, except for the fact that I didn't do anything other than go to school and come home. That didn't stop her from calling me things like a 'prick tease' and telling me that I was acting like a tramp. So, I defaulted to jeans and a t-shirt, the most gender neutral clothing I owned, for a long time. It still got me comments but it wasn't as frequent as when I decided to dress up for school.

When I got my first boyfriend, my mother basically treated me like a living doll. I was getting ready for my first date and she told me I was doing everything wrong. At which point she painted my face with vivid makeup and had me change my outfit to something more revealing. I was extremely uncomfortable with this, but it was the first semi-normal 'mother-daughter' interaction we had in a very long time. As that relationship persisted, my mother was invested in my appearance. She bought me clothes that were revealing. She bought me my first pair of high heels and taught me to walk in them (which was a highly unpleasant experience because she made me balance a book on my head as I did so and swatted me with a fly swatter when my posture wasn't proper). It's funny, in a dark way, that my mother's overboard jump into 'we're going to make you a proper femme' pushed so hard into the territory where I looked like I was older and made me a target for more sexual harassment.

At the same time as this push to make me more femme in the way that my mother felt I should look femme, I developed a mild eating disorder. Mom praised me for being so thin. She made noises about how if I could just get myself to 'look and behave properly' I could have a career in modeling. I knew that she was trying to live vicariously through me. I also knew that she was trying to make me into wife material at fourteen. I think she knew that N- was older than what he told me his age was. My parents had the infamous 'What are your intentions regarding my daughter?' conversation with him shortly after our first date. N- must have fed them a line that they approved of because my mother's initial rejection of the concept of my having a boyfriend turned into her trying to mold me into the perfect girlfriend material.

I also knew that I wasn't good enough in her eyes no matter how much I played along with her efforts to make me more femme. I knew that the lifetime of being told I had to be more masc to be approved of by my parents undercut the 'be more femme' and lead to Mom making sharp commentary about how I was terrible at being femme and that I really needed to care more about my appearances. In the midst of all this, I was enduring an abusive relationship where my boyfriend regularly sexually assaulted me and hurt me in other ways. But, I had the pressure to fit in as femme take off my shoulders briefly because I had a boyfriend, which didn't make me a complete freak in the eyes of my peers who were cycling through boyfriends like nobody's business. Instead, I had the pressure to maintain this relationship that made me automatically fit into the femme category.

It was one of the worst periods of my life. I lead this life where I hid so much of myself because I knew that it wasn't going to be approved or accepted. Additionally, I struggled because I realized I was bisexual and the entire situation was hostile against that. My boyfriend of the time at one point made a comment about how 'gays' should be beaten for existing. He looked to me for some kind of fawning agreement with his comment.What he got was horror and silence. He punished me for that later, declaring that it was my job to laugh when he was 'funny' and to agree with him when he was 'right'. 

When I broke up with N-, he was stationed overseas. N- had gone into the Navy upon graduating high school with the promise that he was going to marry me when he finished his first tour of duty. When I broke up with N-, the harassment got going again. I was despondent over so many things. I felt like I was a failure because the relationship between N- and I was so horrible. I blamed myself for the fact that he raped me. I blamed myself for the fact that he battered me and emotionally abused me. I said to myself that if I were more of a 'normal' girl then those things wouldn't have happened.

So, I gave up on trying to be a 'proper' girl. I did my make up in the minimalist way that I could figure out on my own. I wore clothes that tended towards gender neutral most of the time. Being hurt from presenting as more femme made me gun shy of the concept though I dearly wanted to do it. I went off to a women's college concerned that I wasn't going to fit in. Fortunately, the anonymity of being one person on a large campus and the fact that most of the other people were too busy with their own shit to give a damn about me helped me adjust to being in that environment. My anxiety about not being femme enough was put on hold except for when some kind of event requiring fancy dress came up. Then my friends came to the rescue to help me figure out how to do up my hair and such. It felt like wearing a mask but I could do that all day long thanks to my experiences.

It was in my mid to late 20s that the anxiety hit me again full force. I had graduated the safe haven of college and found myself interacting again with a mixed population of genders on a regular basis. At one point, I found myself seriously questioning my gender. All of the pressure that my parents had put on me to perform as masc left me ill quipped to deal with the social pressures of being femme. It was an agonizing half year. I feared that my Beloved would leave me if I weren't femme enough. He told me something that blew my mind. He would have loved me the same if I were a man, transgender, or agender. When I revealed that I was bisexual, he laughed and said that he was as well and clearly that was the reason why we got along together so well.

I don't know where I fall on the gender spectrum. It causes me some anxiety. I am a woman but with strong masc traits. I struggle with the typical femme behaviors, even now. My education in womanly behavior is based in a weird place that is almost cultish in its nature. I struggle with a good deal of internalized misogyny. I've gotten better about it, but it is still a struggle due to how long I had to live with it. I still worry that I'm not femme enough despite the fact that I have birthed children and I dress more femme than I did in the past.

I see my transgender friends and I see their struggle. I open my heart in solidarity. As someone who was raised with the expectation that they were supposed to be male up until puberty hit and then they were denigrated for being female, I can see some parallels between our journeys. I see you. I acknowledge you and respect you. You are enough just as you are. My mistake is sometimes I let other people's definition of being femme override what I have known about myself for my whole life. Don't let other people define you. Only you know yourself well enough to define and apply labels. ♥

Considering shorts.

Earlier this week, I read an erotica short that was kicking around on the Kindle that Beloved gave me a while back. As I read this thing, I was struck by two things. The first that hit me was how the writing wasn't all that great (mediocre at best) and yet they still got paid. The second thing that hit me was how short the thing was. It was a lot like reading one of the scenes I was writing on my other blog. It has been on the back burner for months now.

It isn't that I was embarrassed by what I was writing. It wasn't that I was burned out. The problem was I had no idea what to do next or where to go with that project. The lack of feedback that happens with my blogging makes it hard to keep posting material. It gets to a point where I wonder if I should just resume putting everything into notebooks. Still, seeing this bit of erotica Sunday afternoon got me to thinking.

I can write better material than that. I do on a regular basis with my rough drafts. It doesn't look like it would be too difficult to produce material for it and self-publishing is pretty easy with e-books. I think the real challenge would be covers. I don't have a budget for snazzy covers. A part of me toys with the idea of using some of my sketches for it but then I question if the quality of my sketches is strong enough for that. The other thought is to start doing abstract pieces to go with the stuff I'm writing and use a little digital manipulation to make the cover.

That, however, is going into territory that I literally have no idea what I would be doing. Still, the thought of producing something on a semi-regular basis that would not just get me readers but possibly a bit of cash is interesting to me. It is appealing and I guess that is a good sign. As things are getting settled and the school year is about to start soon, I know I am going to have time to resume writing my scenes. I have a few story lines that I really need to finish but I'm not sure how to get from point A to point B still. My attempts to just let my subconscious come up with it are not exactly bearing fruit.

I think I'm just going to have to sit down and do what I've done with larger works. Make myself a plot map and diagram how the whole thing is going to work. The initial idea of just writing the serial stories off the cuff is hindering me and making production very difficult.

School's almost done.

Next Wednesday is the boys' last day of school. I'm dreading it a little bit, to be honest. I have no idea what we're going to do most of the day with the end of school. My wild ideas of getting some serious writing done over the last month did not come to fruition. A lot of things just got in the way, not the least of which has been getting used to this medication. It's funny, in a way, that I finally get used to it right when school is ending.

I went out for a walk this morning. In the midst of it I found a twig that looks to be just about perfect for making my own witchy broom. I'm planning on using the stalks from the day lilies for the brush end when the flowers are done. I also found two large goose feathers. I'm pretty sure they're wing feathers. I am going to try my hand at making quill pens with them. I've been reading about it and it looks simple enough to do. Those, however, are often famous last words.

I was worried that my royalties check got stolen. After some investigation and talking to people at Lulu.com (where I've self published and where the check was supposed to come from) apparently it went to my Paypal account. I don't recall changing settings so that payment went to it. At least I now know what happened to it. I may just leave it set up that way for future payments.

I should be hearing back from my beta readers regarding book two of the Umbrel Chronicles. Edits are a bit stalled on book three. I am probably not going to be doing much with the books until next September. I think the kids are going to keep me too busy to do anything, even plot mapping. I am in editing hell right now with the Sanctuary books. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. So, putting that aside for a few months is a good idea right now.

I have been doing my therapy writing and I honestly don't know how I feel about it. Writing to my different personality aspects has been a weird experience. It makes me look at it all and kinda wonder about it. They're so developed and detailed. It's like they're almost an entirely different person (and in a lot of ways they feel like they are). I find myself wondering if this is what the hospital psychiatrist was baffled by. At one point, I had one tell me that they were shocked that given the trauma I have experienced that I'm not schizophrenic or suffering from dissociative identity disorder. I've been trying  not to get squicked by the feelings of doing this journal work. It is, however, very uncomfortable.

I've been feeling awkward about my reading right now. I'm taking a break from the Dresden Files and reading The Pearl. It is a complete collection of Victorian erotica that was published as an underground magazine in England. I'm not awkward about the fact I am reading erotica. What is awkward for me is the fact that I have zero response to it. De Sade's writings were ... interesting, to use a massive understatement. I didn't realize how left of center my appetites were until I started reading this. At most, I'm amused by how they phrase things and what they considered 'scandalous'. I thought that reading The Pearl would give me ideas for writing erotica shorts again. It absolutely has not. So, when I finish it, I will be re-reading De Sade. It makes me wonder what related writings I should locate next. Because I don't think the collection of De Sade's writing that I have is complete.

The Hobby Lobby Fiasco

As I am sure most of you are aware, we are on the verge of Independence day here in the good ol' US of A. It is darkly ironic that there is less liberty in this nation this week then there was before it. Now, some of you are going to tell me that the Supreme Court decision with respect to the Hobby Lobby case doesn't strip anyone of their rights, but rather grants liberties. If you honestly believe that poppycock, I think you need to stop reading my blog right now.

Seriously, we are at entirely different cultural mindsets and you're going to find yourself majorly vexed by what I post along any sort of cultural, political, or social topics. You might find Ann Coulter more to your liking. Follow that link and enjoy, because I promise you what I am about to say is going to send you in to an apoplectic fit.

Several people with law degrees and who make a living of studying the law and writing about it have said things that I don't have the verbage to. I don't have a law degree. I have a slightly better understanding of Constitutional law then your average lay person because it was a hobby of Beloved's for several years (the better part of a decade, wherein he seriously considered if he wanted to go to law school). I'm going to apply that bit of knowledge and a keen sense of historical trends to what I am witnessing here.

Part one: Granting corporate 'persons' religious exemptions from existing laws because of 'sincerely held beliefs.'

I have had a problem with corporations being regarded as 'persons' ever since junior high school, where I first encountered the concept. Extending to these businesses rights and privileges that have been the purview of individuals is wrong. It is a blatant act to disregard the anti-trust legislation on the books and should not be permitted to continue. Additionally, the religious exemption sets up a condition where this new legal loophole can be exploited to undermine all of the civil rights work that has been done in this country.

Today, a business such as Hobby Lobby can state that they will not fund health insurance coverage that includes contraceptives and abortifacients due to 'sincerely held religious beliefs.' Tomorrow, a business will deny an African American person service for the same claimed reason. There will be people who are denied services on the basis of their appearance, creed, gender, and disability status all for the sake of 'sincerely held religious beliefs.' You may think I am painting an extreme secenario here but there are places in the United States where people believe that a person falling ill with cancer is a sign of (their) god's judgment against that person. There are places in this country where if you are anything other then Caucasian, you will get harassed just walking down the street. And let us not forget the numbers of people who deem that women who are 'immodestly' dressed are clearly deserving of sexual assault, with out any clear determination of what is appropriately 'modest' dress.

The granting of the religious exemption sets a dangerous precedent that opens up the complete unraveling of the gains of the civil rights movement. Sure, they're not making laws that are saying that women aren't allowed to vote or that 'colored' people should use separate bathroom facilities. They don't have to when such attitudes can be imposed by businesses with out fear of repercussions. All they need to do is cry that they were motivated by their religious beliefs. The precedent has now been established that this is a viable way to escape just punishment for denying the civil liberties of others.

Part two: Ruling on contraceptives and abortifacients while not establishing a position when a fetus becomes a person.

Shame on the Supreme Court on this one. It is as egregious if not more so then what I first addressed. They will claim that they can't make a judgment on when personhood begins in pregnancy but then make this kind of ruling, implying that personhood begins at conception. If they're going to reverse Roe V Wade, they should gird their loins and just do it already. Because they have already made their decision as to when personhood begins, they just haven't said it directly. And I think that is due to cowardice. It is my understanding that only a coward will hem, haw, and do their damndest to not say what they want to say, whilst implying it every step of the way. I'd have some shred of respect for the justices who supported this decision if they had the courage to say 'we believe that personhood begins at conception' rather then put that 'decision' in the hands of the corporations (and the plaintiff of this case most assuredly believes it begins at conception which leads one to believe that must be the Court's position as well).

Part three: Ruling on insurance coverage for valid medical procedures that treat an array of conditions afflicting only people who are biologically female, but socially and culturally affects all women.

This is even more of an outrage then the first two points. It makes me so angry that I feel physically ill. It has taken me some time to process this all and I still am so angry that I can hardly speak. Women are not second class citizens. We make up approximately half of the population. Persons who are born female are no less deserving of potentially LIFE SAVING treatment of their conditions.

People wave their hands and go 'it's only birth control' but these medications help women like myself manage their conditions that can have potentially lethal implications. A ruptured ovarian cyst can have fatal results. Menstrual irregularity is not something to joke about. It can result in a woman bleeding to death if something goes severely wrong. By the way, the medical procedure commonly known as abortion (dialition and cutterage) was what was used to stop my best friend from bleeding to death due to her menstrual problems.

To say that people who are not medical doctors or the patient (or the patient's legal representitive) have any kind of say in what sort of medical treatment they have is beyond the pale. There is irresponsible, reckless, and then this, for which my vast lexicon of insult fails me. Allowing someone who doesn't have any sort of stake in the patient's welfare to have even a remote influence on their treatment is disgusting. To give ground to people who are hostile against the patient on the basis of the treatment they are getting is dangerous and stupid.

There is a reason why back alley abortions had to be stopped. Women were dying. There is a reason why women who suffer from ectopic pregnancy stand a better chance of living today then they did during the 1800s. It's not just because we have better medication. It's also due to treatments like abortifacient medication and the abortion procedures. To declare that these lifesaving treatments are subject to public opinion is wrong.

A woman should be able to get medical treatment for conditions regarding her reproductive system with out any one batting a proverbial eyelash over it. We don't go around shunning people who get appendectomies. We don't shame people with high blood pressure. We certainly don't go around telling people with brain cancer that they're morally deficient. Any medical condition should be treated with the same kind of indifference that we give to broken bones and appendectomies, at the very least. At best, with the kind of compassion that we extend to the person with brain cancer.

And another thing, people who make decisions for women or female gendered persons on the basis of their appearance had better be doing it with that person's consent. Body autonomy is for all people, not just cis-men. The fact that this ruling allows a corporation like Hobby Lobby to pressure their female staff to approach their medical care in a certain fashion is morally reprehensible. A woman or a female gendered person should not be discriminated against on the basis of their body parts or appearance. This ruling allows that type of discrimination.

It is a bad precedent and a shameful ruling by the majority of the Supreme Court. I am deeply concerned as to how the nation will proceed forward. If this 'corporate theocracy' that some other bloggers I know of are talking about is truly forming, then I suspect that we, as a nation, are in a great deal of trouble.

How the 'Manosphere' is a problem.

Perhaps you have heard of the Manosphere? It was started via the Return of Kings site and has grown to include over 20 listed pages on the Best of the Manosphere. There are countless other less advertised sites espousing similar sentiments. A quick review of Return of Kings' beliefs statement, it is immediately apparent that misogyny runs rampant through the group. A terribly heavy emphasis is placed upon the value of women on the basis of their sexual performance and Return of Kings even states directly "A woman’s value is mainly determined by her fertility and beauty. A man’s value is mainly determined by his resources, intellect, and character."

Such a front-loaded position makes clear that women are not viewed as equals. Reviewing the material on Return of Kings and other Manosphere blogs, this repetitive dismissal of women as little more then sex objects is blatant and receives no greater consideration then the function of gravity. The target audience of the Return of Kings and its brother blogs is not the enlightened men of the 21st century. No, the target audience of these sites are men who yearn for an imagined past where rigid sexual roles defined how men and women interacted.

It is easy to find articles upon these sites that describe women who do not fit their ideal as damaged goods. More disturbing is that these are not just circulating within some dark corner of the internet. No, they have been found on outlets such as Facebook, Twitter, and other major social networking media. Part of the rising popularity of these sites are from the people who share the outrage that they feel and include a link back to them. Another part of the appeal of these sites is that there is a significant population of men who feel intensely threatened by the cultural shifts that are taking place.
 
As such, these men react by lashing out with their words to belittle and denigrate those who do not fit what they believe are the correct mold of behavior. Derogatory comments as to the quality of a person with respect to their gender have reached near epidemic levels on the internet. Sites that make up the Manosphere serves to perpetuate this behavior when we should be decrying it. When women are declared to be flawed on the basis of the length of their hair, it is apparent that they are not being considered upon the merits of their intellect, efforts, or other personal qualities that are being applied to men.

Actions such as this deny women their humanity. Indeed, Return of Kings even has an article talking about how women 'train' men to rape. This type of mentality is dangerous for society at large. It dis-empowers women just as racism dis-empowers people of color. Repetitively teaching one group that the other is valueless or inferior to them, the message spreads to the other group by way of inference and context cues. These are the unspoken elements of language that can be found in both written and verbal communication.

Communicating the inferior status of another group escalates the potential for violence against that group. It encourages a negative position with respect to someone from the scorned group at the outset of any exchanges, irregardless of the actions taken by that person. The Manosphere may claim they do not condone violence against women but the attitudes that they espouse and express are frequently used to justify abusive behavior, sexual assault, and subtle second class person status behaviors, like the refusal to pay equal compensation for equal work.

The solution to the problem presented by the Manosphere is not simple. While one could theoretically create a demand for these sites to be taken down, these sites would simply come back. People who ascribe to this misogynistic approach and are especially vocal in their efforts could be simply ignored. This works on a small scale but once one moves out of the scale of individual interactions, it becomes far more difficult to remove their audience. It is more effective to create an alternate message and disseminate it with intensity and vigor.

A combination of spreading an alternate, more balanced perspective and shunning of those who are particularly virulent has a significant chance of success. A counter message that informs and educates women and others marginalized by the Manosphere how to respond to the scorn heaped upon them is vital. Encouraging the people in charge of forums such as Facebook or Twitter to apply their decency standards equally and to discourage hate mongering is also an effective tool.

If the community of the internet comes together and publicly denounces the sexism and related precepts espoused by the Manosphere, it would be a major step forward towards a public forum where people are not verbally assaulted for their differences.

I have a sense of humor, I promise.

So, I'm just going to say it right away this way no one can cry foul here. I have a sense of humor. I even joke and will laugh at jokes pertaining to sex and sexuality. Some of my absolute favorite jokes are terrible examples of the genre regarding sex.

All of that said, I keep seeing this ad from Kmart that just makes me plain mad. Honestly, I lack the words to adequately express how repulsed I am by this advertisement. First, however, let me present exhibit A, also known as the offending article.

Now, some of you may ask why I (a woman who falls more to the hetero-side of the bisexual ledger and one who writes smut for fun and profit) find this ad offensive. Some of you may even wonder at the fact that I am opposed to it, because it's quite obviously turning the tables on the laundry list of ads focusing on women as sex objects.

I can summarize my offense in one simple sentence. Hold on to your hats, folks, this is going to be profound.

Reducing people to sex objects to sell a product is wrong.

Look, if your kink is such that being defined as a sex object or defining another person as a sex object is what really does it for you, that's well and fine. Provided that all people involved in the arrangement are consenting adults. Doing so with a random person off the street, that crosses a line.

It is a blatant act of disrespect to that person to reduce them down to being little more then fap material. It's wrong when it's done to advertise a bra. It's wrong when it's done to advertise beer. It's wrong when it's done to advertise clothes. It's wrong to advertise any damn thing you are trying to sell.

I know, I am being a Debbie Downer here, but I honestly can't sit here on my hands and be silent. People look around at our culture and wonder where this 'rape culture' stuff comes from. It comes from stuff like this being tolerated as funny for general consumption. The problem lies in the attitude that a person is little more then a lump of flesh that exists to titillate and amuse you. That attitude and sense of entitlement that goes with it, that is what is at the core of the 'rape culture' that people are talking about.

Stop treating people like they're objects. You want to fix the culture so that a woman can be safe no matter where she is, that's a great place to start. By the way, it makes it so that it's ok to treat men with respect too.

And that is what we need more of. Respect starts with treating yourself like you're not an object, by the way. It also comes along when we treat other people as if they're human as well. Last time I checked, personhood was understood to have some sense of inherent dignity. Or did we throw that out the window along with Miley Cyrus's alter ego of Hanna Montana?

feminisim

i am what one would call a classical feminist. my more militant feminist friends would most likely feel that i am not taking a hard enough stance, if not out right betraying 'the cause' in being a housewife. what they forget is that feminism is about giving women the ability to CHOOSE how they're going to live their lives professionally, to CHOOSE how they manage their reproductive and sexual health, and to protect the RIGHT to those choices (among many others).

it's is stolen from my Facebook page.

if you don't know what the story is on feminism here's a good place to start:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism

It's called Separation of Church and State, moron!

I don't generally pay much attention to the Christian Science Monitor. There was something about their article about Texas Governor Rick Perry that caught my eye. So, I sat down and read the article. I was fully prepared for someone to be softening his very 'conservative' views in an attempt to make him more palatable to others. I was prepared for a bias in his favor because he is a highly visible and politically well connected individual who supports the aggressively evangelical face of the Christian faith in the United States. Thus prepared, I read the article and my jaw hit the floor.

I then did a little digging to see if they were actually sugar coating just how far to the 'Right' he was. Then I read what Forbes had to say about him and this prayer rally that went on today. I read the official 'about Rick Perry' page, the Wikipedia entry, and several other pages (including his Facebook page). As I learned more about the man, the more disturbing the idea of his having influence over a state, let alone on a national level, became.

Sure, he has done some impressive things. He's got a squeaky clean image and the camera seems to love him. His positions on economic matters are interesting. This, however, doesn't make up for the fact that he endorses the concepts espoused by the American Family Association of Tupelo and similar organizations:

• The protections of the First Amendment apply solely to Christians.
• Homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation.
• Abortion should be illegal.

I could go on, but these are the three big turnoff's for me. The protections of the First Amendment are inviolate and extend to all citizens of the United States regardless of their religious affiliation. Any movements to some how curtail this should be regarded with great resistance. It is the First Amendment that makes our nation great. I'm not saying we're perfect, but the fact that you can, among other things, speak your mind freely and practice your religion freely is a strength.

I highly object to the argument that homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation. Homosexuality has been around for a very, very long time. The idea that it is suddenly this new threat is preposterous. Among the minds that lead to the development of this nation, were most undoubtedly homosexuals. Their sexual orientation didn't undermine the establishment of this nation. It's pretty safe to assume that there's a percentage of the population who fought to establish and maintain this nation through out history were homosexuals.

I think it's safe to say that homosexuality is a non-issue on the matter of the welfare of the nation. Logic aside, the argument of moral threats to the nation should be suspended. Why? Because moral issues are religious issues. Please, refer back to the First Amendment on this issue if you need to have that position of mine clarified. It's pretty simple.

Abortion is not the problem. It has been made out to be the problem when the majority of abortions are performed for medical reasons. As a matter of course, the idea of abortion for the sake of birth control is not going to be the preferred method, unlike what many of the anti-abortion folks insist. Making the medical procedure illegal returns us to where women are at an increased risk of dying during pregnancy. Depending on how the law is phrased, a naturally occurring miscarriage can be illegal.

As a woman who has six miscarriages, I take great offense at this prospect. The idea that a woman who has already been traumatized by the loss of her child could then be facing murder charges sets my blood boiling. Unfortunately, the anti-abortion groups that have the strongest lobbing presence support laws that would criminalize women like myself. The medical community doesn't fully understand why miscarriages happen. To take something nebulous like that and criminalize it sets the precedent for greater injustices for the sake of the 'social conscience.'

I am dearly hoping that Rick Perry is just a flash in the pan. If, by some weird happenstance, he does prove to be the Republican candidate, I'll be one of the folks doing their best to get people NOT to vote for him. People like that, who regard the Constitution as applying only to them, are dangerous. It's only a small ideological jump to fascism.

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Not just for Physics anymore

I'm sitting here, feeding Snuggle-Bug and reading the news on-line when I spot an article titled: The day I decided to stop being gay. To say the least, the title raised an eyebrow and I was curious. As I read the article, I found myself inwardly sighing with disappointment. It's clear that the author has been struggling with the same binary perspective of human sexuality as so many other people in Western society (among many others) has for generations.

I was disappointed to see the mixture of ambivalence to heterosexuality and mild antagonism to homosexuality peppered liberally thru out his piece. Oh, the writing is very good and this is an editorial, thus an entirely appropriate place to express biases and opinions. I'm not complaining on that front at all. He wrote an excellent article and did a very good job making it both entertaining and easy to read. Two things that I believe are very important in writing a good opinion article. He clearly has a strong grasp of the written word and did a very good job using it to express himself. The author may want to consider doing some more writing on the side of his job as a teacher.

It doesn't change my disappointment, however. I guess I was foolish to think that perhaps he would have taken a more... understanding perspective on sexuality. The perspective he did take was clearly more reasonable then that of people like Pat Robertson and even more reasonable then that of several of my neighbors. Perhaps understanding is not the correct word but rather compassionate.

I am firmly of a mind that being homosexual or heterosexual is not a choice but rather following the inclinations that one has within them. We're built to be attracted to a certain type of person and gender is a component in this attraction. Is it possible for a gay man to be attracted to women? Yes, there may be other factors that override the strong pull of attraction to other men and that is not a bad thing. I don't think this automatically make the gay man heterosexual. Nor do I think that the 'reverse' of a heterosexual being attracted to a person of the same gender as themselves is going to automatically make them homosexual. The terms homosexual and heterosexual are designations of opposite ends of a spectrum.

I think it is rare to find the person who is completely heterosexual or homosexual. I think it is far more common to find people who identify more with the heterosexual or homosexual end of the spectrum because that is the more dominant of their appetites. I also don't think that hetero- and homosexual are going to make up the only spectrum to describe sexuality. I believe that sexuality is an extremely complex and beautiful thing.

There are many, many different aspects to it that we need to accept are just there and it can't be boiled down to a single 'one or the other' point. Even the example of the spectrum is going to fail at some point because there's just going to be too many different factors to keep it all organized. Trying to pinpoint where a person is in their sexual orientation in comparison to everyone else may be possible for that one person. When you start trying to do so for an entire population, let's not even look at the whole of humanity just a group of people, you encounter the same problem that you get when trying to place where each and every electron is around the nucleus of an atom.

I'm such a fool...

I let my insecurities and fears get in the way so very much. I get tongue-tied and nervous, so I avoid talking to people that I really do want to. Stormcrow and I talked about this at one point. He's of the opinion I should just let these things go. I think he's right but I'm not sure what to do to replace the habit of fear. He was at a loss for suggestions. The method by which he dealt with this kind of thing really isn't an option for me.

I guess I could jump right in. I'm pretty sure that's what Stormcrow would suggest and I'm fairly sure that's what most of my other friends would also advise. How is it that I think up characters that are bold, if not fearless, and I stumble over fear almost daily? These characters are based on me and parts of my psyche. Why is that courage and joi de verve that are in so many of these character that I create so hard for me to tap into?

And why does rejection terrify me so much? I suppose nothing ventured, nothing gained. I can't use the excuse of liquid courage pushing me forward or powerful pain meds stripping away my inhibitions. Somedays, I think it's a good thing that I refuse to drink on a regular basis. I could see myself as a functional alcoholic with periods of being a very... very sadistic and mean drunk. I can't depend on something mechanically removing those blocks, I need to do it myself. And I sit here stalling and half tempted to go read that dopey train story for the billionth time rather then write the e-mail. *sighs*

That means it's time to write the e-mail. It's ironic, I'm polyamorous but terrified to express it. Much like I'm still damn afraid of my bisexuality. Someday, eventually, I'll get past these fears. First, however, I should stop stalling and write that e-mail.

Recent nightmares and thoughts.

So, there's the strange dreams that go with pregnancy. There is the strange dreams that go with the stress of dealing with idiot landlords, crazy family, and too many bills. Then there are the nightmares and strange dreams that go with being harassed by a person who had assaulted you.

Maybe it's just me but I think it'd be easier if N- was harassing me. N- wasn't quite smart enough to be the insidious bastard that C- is. Mind you C- isn't a smart man either. That said, I have been starting to have nightmares and I wasn't entirely sure why I wasn't sleeping well.

I wasn't sure, that is, until today. I woke up from a series of dreams where I was getting into a screaming argument with C- at LARP, with each dream tending closer to a physical altercation between him and I. C- may insist that his recent bullshit has been directed at my characters in the game where he and I both play in, but he's been making me uncomfortable for the past month with his attention becoming focused upon me.

I recognize part of the issue is the fact that I am pregnant with my second child and he is envious. I was briefly involved with C- about five years ago. He was my first foray into having a relationship with a man outside of my relationship with my husband. At that time, C- actively attempted to destroy my relationship with my husband and manipulated my PTSD related issues to cause me distress and get away with sexually assaulting me multiple times.

That came to an end fairly quickly when I very calmly told him to stop or I was going to break his neck when he was attempting to pin me down to have his way with me. I was dissociated but not entirely separate from myself to the extent that I was semi-catatonic. He left a few minutes later and never darkened my doorstep again. In the midst of that four month relationship, aside from the emotional and psychological havoc he created with his bullshit, he did rape me twice.

I'm not sure if C- impregnated me or if my husband did, because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage about a month after I told C- to get off of me or I'd kill him. Also, at the time that it would have happened, I was having a great deal of problems with dissociating and I can't recall fairly significant portions of time. It makes me suspect that I was raped more then twice, because only two times do I remember clearly. And the clarity of those recollections is rather startling.

Anyways, C- started with his mild efforts to antagonize me essentially right after I told friends of mine and my husband's at LARP as soon as we knew I was pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, C- was somewhat antagonizing but he didn't really show the effort that he is now. I think it is because he felt that he couldn't get away with it. Unfortunately, I've started having nightmares featuring C- again.

I'm thinking that I need to confront C- and tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I'm afraid, however, that confrontation will turn violent and C- will delibertately attempt to induce a miscarriage via hitting my abdomen. I don't know what to do, but I'm torn between a fear that he is going to try to hurt my baby and seething rage at his audacity to harass me. At least with N-, I wouldn't blink twice at the thought of tearing his throat out.

C-... Well, I don't think N- would try to batter me in a fashion to cause a miscarriage, because he wouldn't know that I'm pregnant. C-, on the other hand, knows and hates it. He desperately wants to have a child to carry on his family name. May the Gods deny him this desperate yearning and protect other women and girls from his attempt to answer it. I do, I admit, curse the day that I invited C- into my home and into my life in any type of relationship closer then a casual acquaintance.

Love is not a sin or a thing you can legislate.

I am sure that some of you who know me are going to expect a rant about how someone is throwing around the anti-homosexual marriage garbage again. Actually, this is about a situation involving the Salvation Army. I kinda respected those guys until I saw this:

Capt. Harsh led the Oshkosh Salvation Army for more than three years before he was suspended for not following orders. He is a widower. His wife, who was also a Salvation Army officer, died suddenly last summer.

"I asked God to bring me a woman who was pretty on the outside and the inside. That's what God did," said Captain Johnny Harsh, suspended officer.

Capt. Harsh now plans to marry Cia, who is not an officer.

I have a real problem with this situation. It's highly unreasonable, in my opinion, to take this stance. The Salvation Army apparently has this policy that officers can only marry other officers. I wasn't aware of this until today. I am finding myself inclined to boycott the Salvation Army because of the misery they're sowing with this stance.

I know, I know... I'm a heathen and I really shouldn't be concerned with how people of other religions operate their religion. This, however, is not a matter strictly of religious philosophy. In my opinion, this is a human rights matter. Just like the question of gay marriage is a human rights issue.

We have the right to love whom we will, it's simply a part of who and what we are. This can't be legislated or dictated from on high. It's something that moves our hearts and is a blessing. I truly and honestly believe that it is morally wrong to condemn someone for who they love. That said, I think there is a distinction between love and sex.

I'll put limits on sex, but those limits are not going to stop someone from feeling love. If an adult loves a child in a romantic fashion, if they *truly* love that child, then the adult will be willing to wait until the child is of legal majority to consummate the relationship physically. People have done this and I don't object to it. But the rest of this crap, is wrong.

rambling about the moment.

Right now, I'm just feeling worn out and kinda broken. I'm not sure why.

I just want to go hide my head somewhere and cry.



At the same time, however, I ... I feel a visceral need to be pushed to the edge of my limits. Something to make me feel that white hot heat in my veins and the dizzying mixture of freedom and release that comes with it.

I hate when this feeling settles over me. It makes the world a scary and confusing place. On one hand, I want to go hide and cry. I want to find a warm, safe place where I can be comforted and protected. In the midst of this, however, I want to feel pain, fear, and subjugation within a strictly controlled environment.


It scares me to want such things because a part of my brain insists that I should revile them. There's a laundry list of reasons that come to mind as to the reasons why I should repudiate these desires and divorce myself from them. They start with the fact that I'm a rape and sexual abuse survivior and extend to arguments about how these desires are some how something I'm theoretically programmed to want because I'm a female in a male dominated culture.

All of those things, however, are excuses.


The thing that really scares me is the amount of comfort I find in such things. I want them to happen on a more regular basis, but I don't know what to say or do to somehow make that possible, if it even is possible.


I don't know, maybe my husband is right and some of this need to have my will placed under the hand of another is due to the head trip I had in my childhood from the adults around me. I don't know. Even that feels like it's a lie.

All I know is that right now, nothing would do more to make the world feel like there's some sembelance of order to it then to have that little forbidden itch of mine scratched. And I want to cry because I need to hide any and every inclination I have towards such things on a daily basis.

It wounds my soul to shove aside these things about me. I'm sick and tired of feel like there's something wrong with me because of my sexuality or anything else like that. And I don't know what to do about it. As I get more stressed out, the more I think of these kinds of things and how it would help me be less anxious, and then I realize that it's just not going to happen.

What does that say about me? Does that say that I'm broken some how and I've lied to myself over the last several years in my insistance that I'm not? Does it say that I'm unhealthy in some fashion because of this?

I just want to feel like... I want to feel like I'm not about to fly apart at any moment and I can't figure out what can help me accomplish that on my own.