More thoughts on polyamory.

So, I'm reading the news on CNN's website and I see yet another article about cheating husbands. I see in these articles so many, many stupid ideas that are being perpetuated for no reason other then bullshit. It disgusts me to see so many people saying that if you fall in love with some one they must be your one and only for life. The heart doesn't work like that. You fall in and out of love with people all the time.

It is the relationship that needs to endure this and you need to decide if you want to continue the relationship as time moves forward. You can't force yourself to feel one thing or another because you think you should feel that way. It's wrong to do that and it's ultimately harmful to your psychological well-being. It's not your feelings that determine how you act. They can be a factor in it but they don't decide it. Yes, your feelings are a part of you, but they're a part of you like your arm. If you start beating some one to death, it is because you chose to act in that fashion.

I've got to admit, I'm utterly disgusted by the people who say that they cheated because of their feelings. You cheated because you chose to act on the feelings. You cheated because you believed it was in your best interests to act on those feelings rather then not do so, perhaps because you believed the relationship you had at that moment was not in your best interests at that time. You may be wondering why I'm bringing up the matter of an affair or cheating on your significant other in a post about polyamory.

It's actually connected. The predominant culture looks at polyamory as open invitation to orgies, disloyalty, and debauchery. It's possible to be polyamorus and not cheat. If you choose to maintain your relationships and openly address any issues in them, you're not cheating. It's the same as if you're monogamous. And cheating in polyamory is the same as cheating in monogamy. It's actually an equal risk. Because it all is dependent upon the decision of the individual to choose maintaining their relationship over acting upon their feelings for the person outside of the relationship.

It also gets me angry when people try to say that being polyamorus means you're amoral or otherwise morally deviant. Quite frankly, your morality and mine are different because they're rooted in two entirely different world views. We may have points that we agree are morally wrong or morally good, but we don't think the same way because we don't have the same beliefs. This country has religious freedom which should allow for people who's religion states that polyamory is permissible to engage in it. The real question with the marriage debate is not over the sanctity of marriage.

It is over the social construct's definitions and the rights and privilages accorded to people who are in a committed union. Gay marriage, straight marriage, polyamorous, or monogamous it doesn't change the question. Marriage law shouldn't be a question of the gender or the sexuality. Polyamory may complicate things, but perhaps we should rethink the focus of family law (which is where the question of the role of marriage arises) to more accurately reflect the reality of the situation.

That, however, is my thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Either way, polyamory isn't as bad as people want to make it. And I'm getting sick of watching people demonize others for the fact that they can love more then one person in their lives. We can love our parents, our siblings, our friends, and damn near everyone else on the face of the earth. Are we supposed to turn that off when we get married? It's not a question of who you love but what your relationship with them is.

Polyamory on TV.

Heh, so the Tyra Show is taking on polyamory. The first thing I have to say is I'm disappointed that Tyra keeps trying to push this into the 'shock the public' territory. It's quite clear that the couple and the lovers who are there to discuss their polyamorous relationship are not doing this just for the sex. She keeps trying to push that concept and it's incredibly disrespectful of her to do that.

And they just topped Tyra's disrespect by this bullshit with a gal and her guy asking her best friend on national TV to be their lover and the best friend had no clue why she was on TV until they asked! I'm sorry, but that would just offend the everloving fuck out of me. I'm pretty easy going and I like to think that I'm a very forgiving person. But that is just offensive as hell and so absolutely disrespectful of the friend.

I'll post more on this. Laundry and the boy need my attention.

Contemplating *evil* :)

So, some of my neighbors are trying to cause mischief. They apparently have a bee in their bonnets over the fact that I'm *gasp* a witch. They've go so far as to warn people about me and say that they'll have nothing to do with me because I'm a witch. These folks have brought a fair amount of misery to several people around this apartment complex.

I've been considering pranking them. I've been seriously considering it. I can't stand bigots and I really can't stomach two-faced individuals who pretend to be friends of mine and then go about attempting to make me look bad. The ideas that I've looked at and thought were amusing have made the last few afternoons entertaining.

Talking to the gamers I know and arranging a zombie horde to show up at their house, for example, could be good for a giggle. But I keep thinking about the insistence by some of the folks around town that this town is haunted and possibly cursed and I can't help but smile. I find the idea of making them think that their home is haunted just delicious.

Looking at it, however, i am faced with the ethical dilemma: is the prank and juvenile satisfaction/revenge of this operation worth the potential backlash this could cause. Normally, the answer is a flat out 'no' but right now... I'm finding myself drawn increasingly towards a 'yes'. Is this a good or a bad thing?

X-post from other blog

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.

Well, this is challenging.

Yesterday, my Mother-In-Law visited. She brought over a big box of blocks for the boy's first birthday (they were out of town the day of the party) and a bag of stuff for me. She was just as excited over what she brought me as she was over what she brought the baby. So, of course, I had to open it up. Inside I found that she had brought over more wool for me to spin and two absolutely beautiful small hand-spindles. There also was a book on spinning and knitting with handspun fiber.

She showed me how to card the white corriedale wool she brought me. She then showed me how to use the bottom whorl drop spindle. I've been learning on a top whorl drop spindle that is heavier then both of these little beauties put together. I've learned something important. The smaller the spindle, the faster it spins and the finer you can spin your fiber. I've also learned that bottom whorl drop spindles are difficult to start and a little more labor intensive then the top whorl version.

That said, I'm going to put in a good amount of effort to learn how to use both of these, as the faster these things spin the more challenging it is to get nice smooth yarn from them. I'm delighted to say that with some of my first efforts, I've managed to make well... thread with this. It gives me great hope that I'll eventually be making my own embroidery floss with this! It's not as smooth as what I was doing on the larger top whorl spindle, but it's still quite thrilling. I've spun a bit on each of my new spindles. I'm debating using the larger spindle to ply (twist together) the material. I think it is strong enough to hold the larger spindle's weight.

And I have to say, Corriedale wool is so increidlby soft! It'll make some very, very nice little clothes for the boy. I'm thinking I may use some of my handspun wool to make a pair of booties for my cousin's little girl who'll be born early next year. I'm absolutely delighted with the progress I'm making learning how to do this stuff, in case you can't tell.

I've also set to work on a lovely surprise for my Father. Each time I learned to do something new with handcrafts, I'd been giving samples of it to my Mother. I've decided that this year, I'm going to give Dad a scarf made from the wool that I've spun. I may not have enough to make it entirely from this, but it's alright because I know that even if there's just a panel of a scarf made with it, it'll be appreciated and a pleasant surprise.

The other fiber arts related challenge I'm facing right now is trying to figure out how to use this Knifty Knitter that I bought almost a month ago. My plan is to use it to make hats and scarves for each of my neices. I'm thinking this will be a fun project to work on and it goes incredibly fast. I've made two hats already, though they're not quite the size I needed them to be. I'm going to buy some commercially made yarn for that to accent the blue that I have kicking around from the sweater project that never happened.

Next year, I'll make my husband his knitted sweater. I just haven't gotten enough of this stuff figured out how to do it yet. I think by this time next year, I'll be most of the way done with a sweater for him and possibly even a few other projects too!

Edited to Add: I'll try to post up in the next few weeks some pictures of me spinning, what I've got to work with, and what I've made so far!

A little more politics.

So, I made the mistake of watching the first of the Presidential Debates last night. Before I launch into my rant on the substance of that debacle, I've got to first say one thing:

Why the hell do they call it a debate?

I understand that they could claim the two candidates 'debated' the issues brought up but I highly doubt that you can honestly say it was a real debate. It was closer to two children standing out in the street screaming about who's daddy is bigger then two grown men engaging in a debate regarding important issues facing the nation today. And the claims that this was a 'very polite' debate? Those were just as laughable as the concept that this was supposed to be a debate. I'm sorry but polite does not mean interrupting or speaking over the person you're having a discussion with. It doesn't mean being condescending or patronizing to the other person either. And it doesn't mean lobbing veiled insults either. Unfortunately, both of the candidates engaged in that, which just served to lower my opinion of them. I had hoped that both of these respected politicians would engage in civil discourse on the matters that were presented. They failed, however, and have only served to prove that politicians are opportunistic slugs and ego maniacs.

Now, on to the stuff that came spewing out the mouths of these fine men. For the most part, I found it irritating that neither candidate really put any effort into answering the questions posited. Barack Obama did attempt to answer one, but he gave a very... poor answer. If you're going to say that you can't comment on a bill that doesn't exist or that you haven't reviewed, then just say it that directly. Don't beat around the bush and try to mangle the answer into some mismash of rhetoric and your philosophical musings. It's irritating and intellectually dishonest. The American people are not populated with a pack of dimwits (please, Goddess, be kind and let that be true).

It was repulsive how much time each candidate spend posturing and holding forth on how unqualified the other was. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe we'd get to hear the answers to the questions asked and that we'd see a real debate. Instead, we saw them using their few minutes apeice on a given topic to pose and poke at each other. It almost makes me think they don't know what a debate is. Now, I will say, John McCain did seem to go out of his way to initiate the verbal attacks but he didn't exactly appear to desire to answer the questions.

It was actually rather laughable how neither man seemed to have any answers as to how they'd adjust their plans for spending in the wake of what ever bail out package is passed. It's also rather disappointing to see them jump right into back biting, bickering, and general bitching as to who is going to waste more money. It wasn't addressing how they planned to save money during their future administration but how the other guy was going to spend it during his future administration! Yeah, I wasn't impressed in the least with that bullshit. I pretty much did my best to ignore the debate when it got really full of that kind of blustering.

My attention got ripped away back to it, however, when McCain was implying that it may be necessary to engage in military action with Iran. I felt a little ill when that started. I just felt increasingly in shock and horror as this line of talk expanded between both of the candidates. I think the thing that just left me in absolute disgust and briefly unable to speak was when Obama said that military action should be engaged with Pakistan.

I'm sorry, but the man who's campaign has been centered around the fact that he voted against the Iraq war has just made an absolute hypocrite of himself beyond repair. I was going to vote for him until he started talking about continuing the Bush Doctrine and spreading the war in Afghanistan into Pakistan. I'm sorry, last I checked Pakistan was a soverign nation and an ally of the United States! Once I heard those words out of his mouth, quite frankly, I realized that he's no different then McCain, Bush, or anyone else in the national government right now.

They all want to be petty dictators under the guise of being freely elected Presidents. Why has the petty dictatorships around the world been tolerated by the USA? Because we want to be just like them! Why else have things like the Patriot Act been passed? It's not for national security! It's to turn the free citizens of the United States in to subjects!

I haven't the words for how disgusted and horrified I am by both of these candidates. Sure, they may say that they weren't advocating continuing these wars abroad, but they sure as hell were making that loud and clear. Nothing can wash away the stain on the hands of these men. They have acted in collusion with the sitting President of the United States, as have damn near, if not everyone in Congress and the Justice Department, to engage in treason and high crimes against the United States of America.

Forget the war on terror, people, we've got a hell of alot more fish to fry and they're alot bigger then Osama Bin Laden!

Struggling.

Yeah, I guess that's the word for it right now. I finally cried. That was last night.

I'm torn between deep anger at how the doctors blew off Rose's concerns and those of her husband and just ... wordlessly deep grief.

So many years of friendship on this green earth that were waiting are gone.
Making up for missing the wedding by throwing the baby shower... that'll never happen now.

So many other things that I had hoped for and looked forward to seeing, like going to the big 50th wedding anniversary party for them...

It hurts to realize just how many things you hoped to see and it may hurt as much as realizing how much you didn't say because you got in your own way.

I'm officially disturbed by this.

If you had seen these on the Today show, you probably were wondering 'what the hell?' or something else along those lines.

Yeah, this is yoinked from the web and this is the news article it is from. Don't anyone jump down my throat for not attributing this, because the link back *is* my giving credit where it is due. I also must warn that I am about to launch into a vulgarity laden rant about this concept.

Now, maybe it is just me, but I think there is something very wrong with trying to dress small children like adults, specifically when one takes clothing designs intended to make the wearer sexually appealing and translate it into supposedly 'kid-friendly' fashions. These idiotic high heels for infants (oh, and they're not meant for walking, as the heel collapses with weight applied) are but the latest wave in a trend that has included (among other horrors) string bikinis for toddlers, bikini waxing for 8 year old girls, and making teen and pre-teen girls dress like either cheap prostitutes or poorly paid porn stars (Don't believe me? Click here and here for examples. There's alot more out there on the web!).

Look, I don't have a problem with kids wanting to get dressed up and look kinda like the adults around them. There's nothing wrong with that. It's fairly natural. Children want to imitate the adults around them as imitation is part of learning about how to be an adult. But I've got a huge problem with:

1. Turning children into sex objects: Dressing little kids in 'sexy' fashions is just that. It's the visual version of pimping your children out to pedophiles. This makes them more of a target!
   
   
2. Borderline sexual abuse for the sake of conventional fashion wisdom: Most 8 yr old have no pubic hair! Waxing is applying hot wax to the skin, putting pelin papers on the wax, and ripping the paper and hair off after the wax has cooled. The bikini area is very sensitive and it willfor the first time. Now, it may sound like I'm biased here and I may be talking out my ass, but I'm not. It hurt like a bitch when I had my legs waxed for the first time last summer. I didn't have a bikini wax, I don't think I'm ever going to because I know how sensitive that region of my body is and I know it'll hurt worse then having my legs waxed.
   
3. Encouraging the negative self-esteem issues with these treatments: Look, people, acne happens. It's actually a fairly natural part of puberty. Hormones change your body chemistry and it's reflected in all sorts of ways, including an increase in acne. Children do not need dermabrasion to reveal youthful looking skin underneath. Dermabrasion is using a fine grit paste to scrape layers of skin off your face! Most adults do it to try to get down to the layers of skin that have more moisture in them and thus look younger. Taking those top layers of skin off removes part of a protective barrier between you and the rest of the world. It can make acne worse. If done too much, it will damage your skin. What the hell are you doing to your kids if you teach them:
   
   * Your skin is not attractive the way it is because you have acne.
   * Acne, blemishes, and large pores are ugly and need corrected.
   * Your skin is not attractive because it is too dry/oily.
   * Your skin is not attractive because it is not tanned.
   * Your face is not attractive because it is not evenly toned.
   * Your face is not attractive the way it is because your eyebrows are not perfect.
   
   I see a pattern emerging here, do you?
   

Seriously, what the hell are you parents who go out and try to dress your children like the women on the runway thinking? Yeah, I am judging you. And I don't give a good goddamn if I get flamed for this. I've been on the receiving end of that kinda treatment. Let me tell you, it made my teen years even more of a hell that I'm struggling to recover from and I'm just a few months shy of 30.

You tell your kids that their face/figure/hair color/teeth are not attractive, you are telling them that they are ugly. You are telling them that they are not deserving of affection and that they are not going to be accepted. Seriously, it makes me sick to my stomach to see this as a growing cultural trend and it's got to stop. I don't know what the hell you people are thinking. It's one thing to say, "Honey, that's not your most flattering look. Try this color blouse instead, it will do a better job of bringing out XYZ feature that you were trying for with this." or "Sweetheart, you really need to wash your face more often because it'll keep it healthier."

But to tell teach them to hate things about themselves that they can not change at such a young age? That's beyond vile. I haven't the words to express my disgust and contempt for parents who treat their children like that. You are abusing your children. Oh, you may not be hitting them or hurting them in some physical fashion. But you are hurting them psychologically and emotionally, and that is wrong. Just because you don't like the color of their hair, the fact that they get acne, or even the color of their eyes, doesn't give you grounds to be critical about it. And that's what this is. It makes you no better then the other kids at school who harass them. It actually makes you worse because your children trust you and expect you not to engage in this kind of behavior.

Now, there are some things that are a bit of a rite of passage. Teaching the teenage girl how to apply make up (if she's interested), explaining to her the basics of feminine hygiene, and how to put together outfits that are flattering to her appearance is a basic part of growing up which is needed for the girl to transition into womanhood. Teaching the teenage boy how to dress in a fashion which is flattering to his appearance and the basics of masculine hygiene are also a basic part of growing up for a boy and helps him to transition into manhood. But this is obscene.

Yes, teach your teen how to take care of their skin. Teach your teen how to dress in a way that plays up the features they believe are their best. Teach them how to cope with the hormonal changes and physical changes that comes with puberty. Don't engage in this soul destroying bullshit that's so popular with the 'in crowd' right now.

We're adults. We're supposed to be beyond this high-school bullshit. Participating in putting our children thru it is reprehensible and each adult and parent who participates should be deeply ashamed of themselves. It's our job to teach them how to value themselves because of their intrinsic value. When self-esteem becomes focused upon external things, the person in question is hurt and will continue to be hurt as life sweeps things away.

Don't do that to your kids, for the love of anything sacred, for the love of your children.

A little politics.

So, who else out there in the Interwebz has seen this? You may have even heard it in the news today. Apparently, our fearless leader (or as some folks have called him the Prezitator) approved an act of war towards one of our allies and attempted to keep it hush-hush. Oh, wait, that's what sending special forces troops across the border of another soverign nation to engage in sorties with a force that's been engaging you in the area where you're conducting a war, Mr. President?

Please, tell me what the hell it is then? Because, even a country hick like myself can tell you that such things isn't anything even remotely like good international relations. And I don't know a damn thing about foregin politics or anything else like that. And you know what makes this even better, it casts some real doubt on those denials by the President and everybody else in the Executive Branch of our government's that there was any incursions across the Iraq-Iran border.

Seriously, I'm convinced the only reason why Pakistan hasn't declared war on the USA is because they are too strapped for the cash and resources to do so. Maybe it's just me, but this kinda shit is insane. It's just made all the more vulgar and disgusting with it being hilighted today, on the anniversary date of the terrorist attacks. Why? Well, it's fairly simple:

It appears to justify those attacks in the eyes of people around the world who have some kind of an argument with the USA.

But, who cares about that? Right? After all, he's a Lame Duck President and he can't do shit about shit, right?

If you truly believe the above statement, I've got a bridge to sell you.

As the President continues this bullshit, it's clear that he needs to be impeached. In my opinion, I would also argue that he and the other decision makers at the top level of the Executive Branch of the government of the United States of America should additionally be tried for treason. After all, he has actively worked to deprive us of our rights to due process, our freedom of speech, and several other basic rights that are vital to the health and continued wellbeing of this nation.

Thoughts.

Rose is dead. She died in her sleep night before last. It pains me to think of it because I'm not feeling like my heart has been torn from my chest. Stargazer suggested to me when we talked on the phone yesterday that perhaps it's just a matter of being in shock. I honestly don't know.

It's so hard to remember that she's dead. I keep thinking that I've got this or that e-mail to send her, X fabric to show her, and such.

And then, we have the fanfare and ritualized/staged national mourning of '9/11'. I've had the TV off all day and the radio too. I just didn't want to listen to any of it. It makes me sick to see it.

It doesn't feel like it's been 7 years.

At the same time, I can't help but feel horror and disgust at the fact that we're engaged in military action in Iraq. Those people had nothing to do with the events on that day aside from the fact that they claim to practice the same religion. Even that is subject to debate.

It troubles me even more when I know that publicly voicing these opinions off of the internet would earn me a rather unpleasant set of circumstances.

Update

Hey there!

The last few weeks have been busy and rather exhausting. The boy's first birthday party went fantastically well. We really lucked out on the weather. It was a beautiful day (though a tad too humid for my comfort) and nearly everybody made it to the party. It was a really fantastic surprise to have our friends from Buffalo drive out for the party.

Those of you who happen to read my blog here that made it to the party, THANK YOU!! I will be posting pictures up here soon. As I don't know how to get them off of the camera, that'll be done by my dear and darling husband in the immediate future. (The memory card is getting full, so he can't really procrastinate now!)

The boy is getting bigger everyday it seems. He's decided that he wants to crawl now. Those little hands slap incredibly fast on the floor when he decides that he wants to scurry across the room to get into mischief. We also seem to be going thru more laundry of late, but it could be that it's due to my son putting in extra effort on feeding himself. We've graduated to sippy-cups, but we're now back to bottles.

Apparently, bottles are much easier when teeth are trying to come in. The little man is now in his "big kid" car seat. It makes getting ready to drive some where *so* much easier. As a result of this, he now sits in the seat of the shopping carts and it's been an interesting time when we go to the grocery store. He is starting to discover that if he reaches out, some times he can actually reach the items on the shelves. He is also discovering that Momma doesn't put up with that either.

I suppose it's been almost a week now... I'm not entirely sure. He has been just eating like crazy. I think it's because he's going thru a growth spurt. Fortunately, however, he has not been half as cranky as he was a few days before his birthday. Nap times and keeping him on schedual, however, has not gone that well. The birthday party and visiting family have combined to completely throw off the daily schedual. So, the next little while is going to be interesting.

I think I'm going to change things a little bit while I get him back on a schedual. I think I'll be changing when we get up. I've been waking up at about 6:30 am again on an almost daily basis of late. I think I'll just accept this fact and start getting the boy up at about 7:00. It may make the morning routine a little easier. And, who knows, maybe he will actually cooperate and take his nap at naptime. I'd add more right now but it's time for lunch.

Ah, the wisdom of children.

I'm sitting here with my son asleep on my lap (in his sling) saying that I'm thankful he's unconscious rather then screaming in my ear. (Teething is so much worse then it's presented as. Don't let *anybody* fool you!) So, I decided to sit here and read the news on CNN's website. At which point I saw this iReport article about a father taking his kids' XBox and nailing it to a tree because he was sick of their constant fighting and general bad behavior with this toy.

Reading the comments yeilded much hilarity. I think it was the comments from intamesalvag that did it for me. I have to say, it's really priceless how teens can claim that they know more about parenting children then the parents do. As a kid, I got ticked off when my parents got on my case for my attempt to make what I thought were intelligent comments in the conversation. Looking back on it now, I realize that my comments were intelligent but woefully lacking, to the extent where they had to be disregarded. What my comments as a kid lacked was a combination of a full comprehension of the situation and the type of knowledge that comes with experience.

I think I'm not going to necessarially snap at my child when he gets to the age where he thinks he can give adequate input on topics such as disciplining a child. I believe that I'm probably going to ask him to leave the conversation and then come back to him later and explain what his ideas were missing. I know that I hated the experience of being chastised and dismissed by my parents when I tried to get involved in the more 'grown up' discussions. I don't want my son to feel that he's being castigated. I think, however, that using the situation as an opportunity to teach him would be a good idea.

Sometimes, kids do have really great and innovative ideas that can lead to some interesting solutions to problems. They also need to learn how to navigate the territories of adulthood at *some* point in time. There's alot of stuff that can be learned in the safety of the home, where there is the support structure of family, and the greatest risks are generally to one's pride. Perhaps this is one of those things that can be brought up, explored, and taught to some extent before the child is out on their own in the world.

i'm not happy.

right now, i feel out of the loop. i want to be involved in stuff going on in the game i'm a part of but i can't really because i now have a two and a half month gap. i can't seem to get the stuff for another game i want to be a part of figured out.

and i feel like i maybe should scrap stuff and start over again on all of that. i don't know. i feel so horribly disappointed because it seems like i'm always trying to get things taken care of, cleaned up, or something else done around here. sure, i've got small projects that i can throw a little time at but i feel guilty for it because so much else needs done.


i don't know what to do.

forgotten fun from the interwebz

here's something i forgot about. go ahead, click it. ;)

I don't know what to do... (pt.2)

So, I suppose I should probably take a moment to state directly just what the hell is going on right now. Please bear with me as I engage in this rather rambling recap, I'm dealing with alot of emotions here and I'm half distracted by keeping an eye on my son as he is eating his breakfast.

About six years ago, my youngest brother got married. It was a small, quick wedding. I was the only person from my side of the family that got invited. I essentially guilted him into telling my parents about it, mind I had never even met the girl. No one in the family had met her. It made things tense between him and my parents for a little while. He told her some fairly terrible stories about my family, which really didn't help things much. Some of these stories were true and others he were exaggerated or out right lied about. Myself being one of the people he lied about to his new bride for a while before she and I met.

I kinda wonder if my insisting that he let our parents (at least) know that he was getting married (which he did the night before the wedding) is part of the reason why there's problems between him and I. I honestly don't know because there's been a strange gulf between him and I for years now. So, he joins the military. His wife has a tough time of it at first, but it's pretty clear that it's due to some communication problems. This, however, becomes even more of a problem as time goes on. He gets back on leave and he spends his time at my parent's house rather then at his in-laws house, where his wife and children are living. She's rather obviously hurt by this blatent rejection by her husband. It's not pretty.

She tries to forgive him this but he then does things like call our mom rather then his wife when he's got time to make phone calls while he's on his tour. Financially, it's a mess too. He just wants to spend 'his' money like he wants, no real regard for things like buying diapers for the kids back home. It reduces his wife to essentially begging family (hers and ours) for finaicial support for herself and the kids. This sets the tone for the rest of the relationship up to today's point in time.
And, yes, that includes the year and a half he was out of the military. During that time, he spent money willinilli and lived in our parent's house rather then with his wife and children at his in-laws or getting them an apartment or a house of their own.

So, he joins the Army Reserves. Mom goes into a coniption fit and immediately starts to panic that her baby is going to die on some foregin battlefield somewhere. We've been all doing our best to ignore this ongoing fit, as the rest of us accepted it was part of the risk for a while now. Mom's still having difficulty with it and is on the verge of yet more of a fit over his serious talk of joining the Army full-time. It appears fairly clear to my husband and I that my brother is doing this to avoid being an active part of the life of his wife and children.

...

I can't do this. I can't just describe this. My words don't do justice to the magnitude of injury that has been done emotionally to my brother's wife. I can't find enough to say for how confused my brother is...

My brother has created a horrible mess. His wife feels that he doesn't trust her. She's convinced that he wants a divorce but won't do it because:

1. It's too much effort.
2. He doesn't want to spend the money which can go twords his drinking, video games, or collection of anime.
3. He doesn't want to have money taken from him to pay alimony.

My parents are insisting that I'm looking at the situation like there's too much blame on my brother. I don't think they see how my brother's wife and children are living right now. I don't think they realize that my brother's eldest daughter keeps trying to run away because she believes that the whole family hates her and blames her for her father being gone.

...

It's just... It's just ugly. And in all of it, I feel like my heart is getting torn to peices. I love these people, I don't want to let the go out of my life. In their own strange ways, I know that they love me. If they didn't my brothers wouldn't have shown up when I had that appendictomy back when I was pregnant with my son. My youngest brother wouldn't have driven up from the base where he was stationed for a day and a half with out sleep to try to get to my wedding.

They seem so damn intent on hurting each other and destroying their lives, however, that it's just ... it's breaking my heart and leaving me with the terrible feeling that I'm going to have no choice but to let them go. Though none of them area aware of how I feel about this situation or anything else. It's... It's hurting like hell for me and I'm realizing just how much emotional baggage I have surrounding my family... I don't know what to do because I can talk to them and hope they will listen to me or expect them not to listen and let them go.

I don't know what to do... (pt.1)

I had a nightmare last night that woke me up feeling like I got punched in the gut. I honestly expected to be crying when I woke up this morning. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I sit here and look at the situation and my heart is just breaking all to pieces. In the meantime, I feel that I should keep a smile on my face and act like I'm mystified by the entire mess going on in my side of the family.

My brother who is serving in the Army in Afghanistan joined the Army Reserve because he was having a tough time adjusting back to civilian life after he finished his tour with the Marines about two years ago. A year and a half after he was done being a Marine he signed up for the Army Reserves. He's talking about re-enlisting, this time in the Army. This fact by itself is kinda tragic and says something about the way we're treating our military service members when they get home at the end of their tour of duty.

I can't help it. I worry about him everyday. I try to live my life like everything is ok, but there's the fear that my youngest brother won't come home. He's half done with his deployment, if they don't extend it. I don't believe that he's going to come home on time because looking at the situation, I genuinely expect his outfit's deployment to be extended. I have his address via the military, I don't know if I should write him or not though. There's alot of stuff going on here around my brother that I'm hurt, angry, and deeply disappointed with him over. At the same time, he is my youngest brother and I love him deeply. It hurts and it... It has me feeling incredibly conflicted right now.

And then there is all of the other crap going on which just... I'm at a loss for words. It's the proverbial shitstorm that has resulted from my brother being an idiot. And I think that it's going to just break my side of the family apart. It's something that is painful as hell for me to think about. As I sit here writing, I look over at my son and see him playing with his piece of zweibeck toast. I ask myself, what is the right thing to do by him? I can't keep doing this on the basis of how I *feel* about the situation.

My heart, however, keeps making it's pain known as this proceeds. So, I do need to act with consideration to these emotions and how I view all of this mess. The really stupid thing is I am questioning what on earth I did wrong to cause this. Never mind the fact that the moral accountability test of the situation shows clearly that I have no form of responsibility here beyond my immediate response to the situation. It's root and origin lies in other people's decisions and actions.

Missing.

A dear friend of mine is in a terrible situation right now. Her mother has gone missing. If you are in Anne Arundel Co. MD and you happen to see this woman, please, for the love of everything holy let the authorities know!

Here's the news story about it from the Examiner.

Lady_Cinnibar, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. While there isn't much I can do for you from up here in western NY, please, call me as soon as you know anything. The time doesn't matter. *hugs*

from the interwebz comes my new band...

Your Debut Album

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

for mine...

Japanese holdout ~ when we're in love

[click here for the pic, because I can't seem to make it show up here]

Now, here's the question:

what kind of music would my band play?

What! You don't have Starbucks!?!

I'm pretty sure that all y'all have read about the great Starbucks closures going on right now. As I read the list of locations that are being closed, I chuckled because the one that opened up in my hometown is closing. It's only been open for about a year and a half, and now it's gone. When they opened, my husband's sister was absolutely delighted. She felt that our little town was finally beginning to become something of a respectable place.

She's always been in love with the city. While I enjoyed the city when I was at college, I didn't want to stay there. She, however, would love to go back and live there. So, when our small town got a Starbucks, she was on cloud nine. This happened at about the same town that the eastern end of town started getting some of the stores that are more associated with the suburbs. For example, there's a Sears there and we've got Peebles too. It's a big difference from the small village shoe shop and the clothes store next door where if you wanted something different then what was in stock you had to order it out of a catalog.

Now, the influence of the city is starting to go away. The Starbucks is leaving. Some of the new stores are having difficulty and will probably be leaving soon also. On one hand, the loss of business is a sad sign and an indication that the economic down turn is affecting more people today. At the same time, it's an indication of what I knew the whole time. A small farming community can't afford to support the overpriced glitzy services that you can find in the city. I say over priced because stuff like $4.00 for a cup of coffee is overpricing. It'd be one thing if the coffee was worth $4.00 a cup.

It's not, though, because the coffee that I make at home with the cheap coffee that I got at the grocery store tastes better then that stuff from Starbucks.

self-soothing...

It's something that I've yet to master. I've found, however, that working on learning how to spin has been doing wonders for that.

I have a drop spindle that's just like this one:



It's been surprisingly soothing to sit and spin the wool that I bought with it a few weeks ago. I actually went out and bought more last week. Now, I have been working on learning to make yarn that is even and relatively fine. Some day, I want to spin my own embroidery thread. As of right now, however, I've managed to make a bit of yarn that will be useful for something crochet. I'm not sure what, though.

I hate this right now...

I'm so upset and fustrated right now with so many things that I just want to cry. I try so hard to make things more settled and easier to deal with right here in my home but I feel like I'm making no progress. I'm struggling to just keep my home clean. I simply don't feel that I can do this successfully because I've got no apparent room right now. I realize that I'm probably looking at this all the wrong way. It most likely makes me an idiot.

The mess with the damn car... I hate that car. I really have begun to hate this things with a passion. And I'm beginning to hate the entire mess surrounding locating a new car as well. I'd add more but I think that would just spawn another argument with my husband. He reads this too and I think he knows where I stand on this, so I won't hit the matter on the head again.

I'm so upset and fustrated with the way things stand right now that I feel torn between crying and throwing things. I wonder somedays if there is a point to my continually attempting to do things like get my home clean or anything else like that. All it adds up to is an attempt. I feel like I'm not really treading water here. Each dish I wash winds up dirty later and needs washed again. Each scrap of clothing I clean needs to be cleaned again later. Folding up and putting clothes away is just not possible right now because of all the crap piled up everywhere. I can't put things away because I have no place for them. Why?

Because stuff is packed in boxes. Because the damn boxes are piled up everywhere. Because I can't carry shit into the damn storage shed between it being too heavy and I have no way to secure it in the shed. Why can't I secure it? Because the stupid lock that I had in the kitchen has gone god knows where after I put it on my husband's desk almost a month and a half ago when I asked him to move a few boxes out there.

So... what the hell is the point?

I spend my time during the day attempting to find some way to balance keeping the domestic concerns in check with raising the boy and also getting back into my writing, and possibly even attempting to run a business on-line doing tarot readings. I feel like all of the effort I'm putting in is futile at best, worthless at worst, and at the end of the day I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong.

Sure, one could say that I'm trying to do too much but it doesn't change the fact that it needs done.

I'm not bitching about how my husband doesn't do anything to help. He works and brings home the money we need to put food on the tables, to make the car run (and to even get us a car), and to keep the roof over our heads. I can't say that's not enough because it's all I can ask of him. It's the reasonable thing to ask of him.

But... gods help me, I don't know what I'm going to do on keeping up my end of the bargin because I think I'm doing it wrong. My anxiety problem is making it hard for me to sleep at night and for me to write. I'm having difficulty feeling safe because the constant cat-fights next door are aggrivating my PTSD and I keep feeling that I need to be ready for some one to assault me. Everytime I look around here, I see constant reminders that I'm falling down on the job here, even if it is in my own head.

~ Edited To Add: ~

I've spent a little bit trying to get a few things done and I've since found that lock. Maybe I'll be able to get a few boxes over to the storage shed this afternoon. We'll see.

Ugh!

I love my family, I really, really do. My grandmother is driving me nuts.

I am having some difficulty planning my son's first birthday party. I admit, I am a bit nervous about this. At the same time, however, I'm not looking to go nuts.

I made some phone calls and found out where I could get a free cake. I have a set of invitations and a set of thank you cards to send out. I'm in the midst of planning the decorations and everything for it. The guest list has been made and I've even resolved the potential scheduling conflict that was going to come from his birthday being the day after his cousin's. All I really need is a location.

I thought that I could get it taken care of easily by calling the village offices. There's a park just a few minutes away from here that is a place that we go to often. It's larger then our townhouse and would be a great location for a party. Unfortunately, the pavilion at the park is booked until the beginning of September. There's been some drama surrounding finding another place to hold it. My grandmother said 'yes, you can have the party here' only to change her mind about 72 hours later. Since then, I've found myself getting increasingly frustrated with the insinuation that I'm planning a party that's too complicated and just too much for my son.

Maybe it's just me, but I thought that some cake, some ice cream, and giving him the opportunity to play with his cousins while his father and I visited with his uncles, aunts, and grandparents was just right. Make the party no longer then an hour and that leaves plenty of time for him to enjoy himself without it being too long with too many people.

Seriously, I want to beat my head against a wall right now. Cake, ice cream, and family is not the same thing as renting a tent, a pony, clowns, and god knows what else. I'm thinking that this thing can be done for around $50. That's a hell of alot less then what alot of other people I know spent for their kid's first birthday.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that I can actually do this?

So, I thought I was losing my mind...

First, I need to open this blog post with two different things that make sense only to the people involved.

Stargazer, thank you so much for talking with me last night. That call helped me alot. While I'm still feeling incredibly anxious, I am not quite as ready to fly apart with it all.

Stormcrow, I'm sorry that my recent e-mails have been ... well... have like they have. I think this may help make sense of some of it.

For years, I've been terrified that I was crazy in a bad way. It's only recently (within the last 10 years) that I have begun to understand that even if I was, it's not a terrible end of the world thing. And, it wouldn't make me a bad person. It'd be like saying that the person with a bad head cold was somehow morally deficient because they caught the cold to begin with. Morally deficient people are not the only ones who get sick. Crazy in a bad way, by the way, means not able to really function.

I suppose I really should start at the beginning here. When I was a kid, I was regularly threatened with being insitutionalized by my parents, specifically my mother. This was the same woman who talked about me as though I wasn't her daughter when I didn't behave the way she wanted me to. She still does that to some extent and still even will talk about me as though I'm not even in the room. To be honest, I have always hated that and I think it is a toss up between which of those two I hate more. I was regularly accused of being a hypchrondriac, by both my parents and several others in my family. I was also reminded on a frequent basis that I was a difficult and expensive birth, that I was an investment and I had better not fuck up. The last bit of that statement was generally implied most of the time, but on occasion it was said to me by my mother.

If you're seeing a pattern here, it's not a coincidence. I found myself frequently in the position of having the blame for alot of different crap shoved on me and when blame wasn't shifted to me, I found a great deal of encouragement to blame myself for it. As a result, I lived alot of my childhood in my head. I've a fantasy novel that I'm working on that is based to a large extent on those years of retreating to inside my own head to escape the misery that I faced frequently. I feel terrible to admit it, but I was psychologically abused as a child. And I'm still struggling with the effects of it today.

So, between high levels of stress with this whole crap with our apartment, my on going anxiety over money, and dealing with a bit of depression, I kinda freaked out over the last month. I was corresponding some with a person who has dissociative identity disorder/multiple personality disorder. As he was describing his experiences, I saw alot of parallels between my own situation. Then, this whole bit of hogwash started with the new apartment. I found myself in a difficult place.

I had found myself suddenly facing the echos of my mother's bullshit with the question if I actually had another personality. I looked at the 'voice' in my head and I became terrified. Did that monster in my head of my repressed shadow-side actually have a 'life' of it's own? What of the other 'aspects' of my personality? Did my bit of minor gender identification issues (which again are due to how I was raised) actually indicate a split personality?

These questions have been there for a long time. In the past, I had dismissed them as foolish. Or I simply refused to look at them. I was building up to something of a crisis on this matter and I think all of the stress in these other areas came together to reveal this. Between my having difficulty sleeping and dealing with some of my PTSD issues, I found myself suddenly flailing around in terror over a new possible problem. Last night, I had a conversation with Stargazer and I found reassurance that even if I did have multiple personalities, I was ok.

She then proceeded to explain to me that I never did manifest another personalitiy in the years that we'd known each other, and that being a cranky and surly person in the morning didn't count as that either. We talked for a while. Alot of the conversation revolved around my mother, as they frequently do. I came away from the conversation on stable ground. Suddenly, it didn't feel like I was just going to fly to peices.

It also left me feeling more then saddened by things between my mother and I. It had taken me almost two years of therapy to recognize that I was abused by my parents. It's something I've been struggling with ever since that recognition came to me, almost 10 years ago. It seems like there is always something new revealed as having it's roots back in my childhood.

My massive guilt complex, the anxiety problems, and my attempts to be superwoman all go back to that. I know that I've a long standing problem with depression. While some elements of it may be neurophysical, more of it is just because of how I was raised. I realize that my fears regarding not having enough money to buy food is rooted in my childhood when we had times like that. Sure, my mother may act like my brothers and I didn't know it, but we knew when she and my father didn't eat so that we could.

I don't know how to break away from this stuff. Stargazer suggested talking to a psychologist. I don't know if we can afford that or if it's even something that'd be covered by the health insurance that my husband has thru work. It is such a struggle not to just go find a corner and cry in it when the enormity of it all hits me. At least I can say that I'm not as bad off as I was afraid I was. After all, I manage to take care of my son and our home reasonably well. And I don't have mpd/did, just a lot of bad messages to get out of my head.

You know, somedays, I'd kinda like to be wrong.

So, anyone else been following the news about that HPV vaccine? You know, the one that they've been advertising that girls who are about 13 should get and that some states are seriously contemplating mandating?

Well, here's the latest chapter in the saga:

It appears that it has a 'causal' connection to several girls and women who've received the injection getting seriously ill and a few deaths.

Perhaps it's just me, but it's pretty damn suspicious when the government starts screaming about how a brand new vaccine must be implemented. It's even more suspicious when there's a huge blitz of advertising of the same slick variety as the stuff that's designed to sell erection enhancement pills. Especially when they're using scare tactics.

I think that the FDA knew these vaccines weren't fully tested. I think that somebody bought off the FDA's approval. Yep, you heard me, folks, the FDA, who're supposed to be our safeguard against such things most likely are complicit in this bullshit. Now, here's the question...

How long before the FDA attempts to sweep this crap under the rug or some how attempt to make the complaints of these people look illegitimate in the eyes of the media?

I *so* don't like the way this looks. I've a feeling that something else equally unpleasant is on the way from the same source.

hmm... so, the gods have a sense of humor.

Why do I say this?

Because there was a rather unexpected development today. Just 15 minutes ago, I met with the landlord of where we live. She's just gotten the note and the check from last month. I hand delivered the check for this month and I've been assured that the lease agreement went in the mail today.

My suspicions regarding the previous manager getting fired were correct. At either the end of this week or the beginning of next week, maintenance will be by to look at the various issues that are problems for us. We shall see how this plays out. First order of business is to review the lease when it arrives. After that, I think we'll either be having a conversation with the owner or exchanging letters back and forth.

I hope that this will be resolved quickly and painlessly.

I still have a sense of foreboding here, though. I could see that she was a woman who was overworked and disorganized. I'm hoping that today was just one of those crazy post 3 day weekend mondays for her. I'm not entirely sure, though.

It gives me a feeling that something's off.

Where do *I* stand? I'm glad you asked...

I suppose before I launch into real discussion on the matter of politics I should try to give you a picture of where I'm coming from. Some of this you may have gleaned from my earlier posts on different topics. Other elements of this is going to be new and possibly seem contrary to what you expected. Either way, I hope this isn't going to be a boring, "Let's hear about ME" post. If it is, I apologize.

To begin, I suppose I should tell you how I was raised. Not every detail mind you, but the political climate within my home as a child should be considered because it does have some significance to my views today. My parents are registered as Independent. For a brief period of time when I was quite young, my father was registered as a Republican and my mother was registered as a Democrat. Then they became disgusted with both of the parties. I believe they've since changed their affiliation. I'm not entirely sure, as it has been a while since I discussed the matter with them.

I was taught that the rights explicitly protected by the Constitution are vital to the health and well being of the nation. I was also taught that there are various other rights that are implicitly accepted and we need to use our explicitly stated rights to vigilantly defend them. What is an example of this? Well, the Fourteenth Amendment protects our right to due process. The Roe vs. Wade decision falls under the protections of this amendment. This is because it protects our privacy which was violated in this case by a violation of due process (the privacy matter could make it possible that it also that this decision is under the auspices of the Fourth Amendment as well).

Now, one may ask, how is this an example of using an explicitly stated and protected right to defend an implicitly accepted one? Well, this is a clear case of the First Amendment being applied to defend an undefined right (the right to privacy). The act of demanding redress of grievances is protected by the First Amendment and that is precisely what happened by the plaintiff in the case of Roe vs. Wade.

If the plaintiff in this case had not exercised their right to demand redress of grievances and appealed to the Supreme Court, the implicit right to privacy regarding one's body would never have been upheld by the Supreme Court's decision to overturn the initial findings in the case which argued that abortion was illegal. Now, I won't get into the abortion debate at this time, because it'll take me far afield from the main topic of this post. I may do so at a later time, however.

On some issues, I could be described as a conservative. I strongly uphold that minimal government involvement in the daily affairs of the people is best. To put it bluntly, I believe that the role of the federal government is to regulate interstate commerce and to preserve the nation at large in the face of foreign threats, by taking action that is approved of and supported by the people. I believe that the best economic policy the federal government can take is a laissez-faire one, allowing the market to adjust according to it's internal forces. On other issues, I could be described as a liberal. I believe individual freedoms is vital to the well being of the nation. In this respect, I am a classical liberal. I also believe that all people in the nation have the right to adequate education and to live with out fear of discrimination. This could place me as a social liberal.

I believe that the Second Amendment is specifically talking about the right of individuals to own and bear arms. This right is vital for the people to maintain their liberty and the prevention of tyranny. One may ask why and my response is relatively simple. If you look at the Declaration of Independence, you find that the framers of this document upheld that the people have the right to change and/or abolish their government if it become oppressive. The right of the people to bear arms ensures that if the people can not change and/or abolish their government by peaceable means when it becomes oppressive that it is then required to do so by force.

I am opposed to the current military engagement in Iraq. I believe it is empire building, that the war is illegal, and it is unjust. I also believe that the current administration has sanctioned war crimes, including but not limited to the torture of prisoners of war, the abuse of non-combatants, and the establishment of concentration camps. I am infuriated by the President's suspension of habeus corpus and I fully support the calls for his impeachment. I also believe that the President should be tried for treason on the grounds of his actions and the actions of those who operate under his auspices are directly injurious to the rights (explicit and implicit) of the people of the United States and actively undermine the nation's well being.

Some people may insist that my beliefs and feelings on this matter make me a traitor to this nation or an apologist for the 'terrorists.' If anyone says that, I'd like to contend that they are fools. Yes, my words may be argued as encouraging insurrection and sedition. If that is the case, it is because it is the only way that the efforts of the people who founded this nation can live on. I was raised to have a keen understanding of why the Revolutionary War occurred.

As the proud descendent of people who fought in the Revolutionary War, I know what the word patriot means. I get angry when I see it bandied about and put as equal with the term nationalist. I get angry when it is thrown about as a synonym for a veteran or active member of the military. I am made especially angry when the political pundits throw the term around for any person who agrees with their views or use it for other propagandists. Some may say that I hate this nation because of my political views.

Nothing can be further from the truth. I love this place. It is my home. My roots run deep here and I want to see the nation prosper and flourish. That, however, can not happen if we tolerate tyranny. Facisim is a form of tyranny and I believe that is what is in the midst of being insituted here. I am obligated to oppose it not only on the basis that it is opposed to what the ideological principles that lead to the founding of the nation but on the basis of my family's own history.

Aside from my being the descendant of a true Patriot, I am also the descendant of people who left Germany to escape the facisim of the Third Reich. Opposition to such things is demanded of me by my blood, you could say. I am deeply troubled by the changes that have been coming over the country in the last decade. I do not wish to see another civil war happen in this nation. At the same time, if that is the only way to preven the nation from becoming a different version of the Third Reich, then so be it.

So, I'm going to ramble on the topic of politics.

Ok, I haven't said much about politics here. I think, however, I am going to start blogging some on that topic. After all, this is my soapbox here on the internet and I have a captive audience. [insert evil laughter here] So, I figure, why not give y'all a taste of what's on my mind when it comes to this topic as well. I recognize, there are going to be people who oppose what I say and even be disgusted and/or insulted by my perspectives on various political issues.

That is perfectly fine by me because I know that there are issues and viewpoints that I will feel the same way about. I promise, I will do my best to be inoffensive in language and respectful of everyone. Flames that are vulgar will be deleted. Flames that are ad hominem attacks are also going to be deleted. It doesn't matter if they're directed at myself or at others who are posting comments. Hitting below the belt is just unsportsmanlike and has no real grounds in any kind of debate.

On the matter of politics, I will do my best to make sure that any discussion that pops up in the comments along this line of topic is open. I recognize that people are going to want to attempt to dictate to me how I should reply to issues and possibly get offended when I don't follow their lead. I'd like to remind people that this is my blog.

If you have a response that it longer than three to four sentences, please blog about it on your blog and provide the link to mine. When you do blog about it, post a link to my blog, so that your readers can follow the whole story. If I have a response that is longer then three or four sentences, I too shall blog about it and either specifically reference your comment with a link to my blog entry that the comment is attached to or reference your blog reply/rebuttle with a link.

I feel that it is only fair to attribute things to their proper sources.

All of this said, I hope that you enjoy this line of discussion. I have a feeling it is going to get lively.

A little politics with my morning coffee.

This is reposted from a forum that I'm a part of.

Well, I found this entertaining and interesting. It appears that the Senator is educated to some extent about his own faith. It also appears that the evangelist minister whom is getting referred to in this article by CNN isn't that well educated.

I think this is going to be an interesting little sidebar to the rest of the matters being highlighted this election. I also suspect that the evangelical christian voting bloc may find themselves forced to either support McCain or be unrepresented this presidential election.

I must say that the comparison between Al Sharpton and James Dobson to be quite entertaining. I also think it is quite telling of Senator Obama to make that comparison. Sharpton and Dobson are at seemingly opposite ideological ends of the evangelical christian movement, or at least in the more aggressive (possibly militant) part of the movement. And yet, putting them side by side in his speech points out that they're two different versions of the same political animal.

I figure any day now, I'll start getting spammed with how Obama is a 'false' christian and a servant of the DEBIL because he isn't slavishly obeying the calls to heel by the loudest voices of the more militant element of the evangelical christian movement. I look at this and I am inclined to say that Senator Obama is a moderate christian who focuses on the New Testament teachings, specifically the Sermon on the Mount.

Ever notice that those christians who focus upon expressing their faith in a reserved manner and are in some political power are decried by those who are more militant in their expression as either not doing enough or being false in their beliefs? It's enough to make you wonder if they're practicing two entirely different faiths that are united only by certain elements of mythos and ritual.

Looking at this on the whole, I think that McCain is going to 'sell out' and court the evangelical christian voting bloc. I suspect that it may be the only way that he could possibly manage to oppose Obama's popularity. After all, the machine of the evangelical christian voting bloc is a huge part of what is pushing the pro-America propaganda and highly nationalist/burgeoning facist pedagogy over the last several years. I also think that as that little machine begins to chug out a spew of racist garbage and bullshit accusations with respect to Obama, it will become suddenly alot easier to spot how pervasive that influence is in the population.

Who knows, this may even serve as a way to find the weak points in the propaganda machine. Wouldn't that be nice?

fie on it!

I'll admit it. This whole business with the apartment has me feeling somewhat depressed.

I don't know what to do about it.

Seriously, I hate this.

Well, I don't know what to do.

I sit here in front of the computer torn with this debate and no one seems to be able to give me any advice on how to proceed.

What do I do here in the face of this mess we're dealing with? Specifically, do I continue to unpack or do I try to rearrange boxes in a fashion that we can tolerate?

I can't stand this.

I really do want to unpack and get us settled in here but I don't know if that would be wise because we may be moving in a month or two.

What on earth do I do now?

This is so upsetting.

I rather hate it.

Baby Books.

So, I decided that I was going to give my son books. I firmly believe that a grasp of language, and written counts as much as oral, as well as a grasp of basic mathematics are needed for children to succeed as adults. I recognize that giving him books when he's a baby is probably a bit over ambitious and maybe even a little silly. Still, I've been getting him books and I read to him everyday.

I plan on teaching him to read with these books and some flashcards when he's around three. Sure, some people may say that it's a bit much to be teaching a three year old how to read, but that was what my parents did with my brothers and I. We turned out not half bad, so I'm going to be doing it with my boy. As I've been getting him books, I found that I really wanted him to have the Little Golden Books that I loved as a kid.

I didn't expect it to be quite so much effort. Now, I have not, mind you, been looking at garage sales and such. I thought I could just walk into a book store or a used book store and grab a few copies easily. That has not proven the case. The older books are collectors items and can be quite expensive if I'm getting them in good condition. I, of course, feel that I need to have the books in good condition to help my boy learn how to read and to have them for when he grows up.

I rather regret giving away my favorite picture books when I turned 13. Since then, I've been having a devil of a time replacing them. My favorite rendition of Sleeping Beauty has been the hardest to replace. I suppose that should have warned me that I'd have a hard time finding the Little Golden Books that I wanted, but I thought that those were more popular and should be easy to locate. As a result of my search, I've found some of them. I'm still looking for the rest.



This was my second most favorite book from my childhood. The illustrations are ones that I absolutely adore and I can't help but smile everytime I see them. I think the one that is my favorite in this book is the illustration depicting Scuffy with the cows and the washer-women. It's just barely ahead of the image of saw-mill and the rainbow. Those two pictures are just burned into my brain and filled with warm and happy feelings for me.



The story of the puppies always charmed me. It also reminds me of my brothers and I sneaking out of the backyard to run around the farm. It was at about this time in our lives that we read this little book countless times. When I hold this book, among the memories that come to mind is the feeling of climbing over the wire fence and jumping into the long grass on the other side, with that wild rush of freedom and excitement that came from the landing. It's a feeling like nothing else and a part of me wishes there was some way for my adult self to recapture that feeling
again.



Another book that I love for the illustrations, I think this is my number three favorite of the Little Golden Books that my paternal Grandparents had read to us. (They still have these books, which are enjoyed by a third generation. These books were read to my father as a boy, myself as a girl, and now to my nieces. I'm surprised the bindings haven't fallen off.) The story here is such an uplifting one. I'm glad that I found it again because when I have days that I feel badly about my appearance, I can now read it again and feel better. The message in this charming story has always warmed my heart and done wonders for my self-esteem.

I'm still looking for the other books, but I hope that my little boy grows up to find these books as heart warming as I did.

Hmm...

Life is beginning to hand me interesting little things again.

As I said a few nights ago, the gods are up to something. Fortunately today, it was a downpour (my poor little rosebush and my strawberry plant desperately needed it) and a surprisingly affectionate husband after a long and difficult day at work. And, as odd as it may sound, I think I needed that in the face of all of this stress going on with our new place and what not.

I still can't help feeling anxious about it all, but for lack of any better expression, I now feel somewhat comforted. Heck, even the baby waking up to smile at me as I put a blanket over him to keep him warm in spite of a cool breeze served to bring me comfort when I've been feeling anxious today.

If I was only able to get Stormcrow on the phone. I love the sound of his laugh and it'd be good to talk to him. Ah well, I'll hopefully catch him on the phone soon. He's a smart guy and I think he may have a few ideas that could help hubby and I find our way out of this mess. Right now, I think we can use all the ideas we can get.

On a slightly different note, I think I may have found a new witch to correspond with. I've read a little bit of her blog and I've got to say that Carol of the Woods seems to be some one that I'd love to share a cup of tea and a sunny afternoon with. Warmth just pours out of her writing style and I think that's just lovely. It all just reminds me that I do need to actively make myself open up and seek some new friends. Perhaps we'll correspond, perhaps I'll just admire her blog. Either way, I'm delighted to have met her in some fashion via the interwebz.

i blame stargazer...

Though I admit, it was almost funny at times. I got alot of links to books.

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
A: Deborah needs some help with #9 (And that would be...?)

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
A: Who does Deborah Messing look like? (Herself.)

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
A: Deborah Says Play! (Title for a kid's book.)

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
A: What Deborah wants (Title of a play.)

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
A: Deborah does navel-gazing. (Blog title, and so not me.)

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
A: Honk if you hate me (Title of a book.)

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search:
A: Deborah asks for prayer (from a political forum no less.)

Q: Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
A: Deborah goes to Dover (Another book title.)

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search:
A: Deborah likes to play computer, tennis & watch tv ! (well, nix the tennis and the tv, you might beginning to get somewhere.)

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search:
A: Deborah eats slowly too; there is something hypnotizing about her grandmother's movements that makes her try to lift the spoon at the same time... (Novel excerpt and wtf?)

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search:
A: I love the white taylored shirt cover-up that Deborah wears to the beach party (I'm fashionable? When the hell did that happen?)

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search:
A: Deborah was arrested for driving under the influence. Deborah was arrested for 1st degree forgery for having her license number altered. (Two things that will happen on a cold day in hell. I'm too boring for any of that to happen.)

random internet foolishness

53 As a 1930s wife, I am Average Take the test!

I suppose I need to invest in a few new aprons and stop walking around in my stocking feet now. :)

I'm beginning to hate this place...

Yeah, I admit it. I'm beginning to hate this place that we've moved into. I could try to keep lying to myself and say "Oh, this feeling will pass. I really am just stressed out and that's it, seriously!" If that was even remotely believeable, however, I should be off somewhere selling impossible things for incredible amounts of money, making the concept of selling ice to eskimos look like child's play. No, I'll admit it, I am beginning to hate this place.

The neighbors irritate me. I do my best not to allow myself to be irritated but I can't exactly help the way their screaming arguments in the middle of the afternoon set my teeth on edge. And I do rather feel disgusted by how they find it appropriate to leave the bag of garbage sitting on the front yard until it is dragged down to the dumpster. It'd be one thing if it was in a garbage can of some sort.

It's not, however, and I am daily amazed by the fact that a raccoon or something hasn't strewn their garbage across the parking lot and the yard. I'm horrified by the fact that they're willing to let their infant children play where the garbage bag sat and there are remnants of the garbage still in the lawn. I hope to god this doesn't make me an elitist snob or something insane like that. I work very hard not to be a bitch like that.

The carpet is in the midst of coming apart. My son can't play on the floor unless I've put something down for him to play on. Otherwise, he's pulling up chunks of lint and putting them in his mouth. To put it lightly, this is not acceptable and I'm more then a little upset with this. Each day that passes, the angrier I get with that minor fact because you can't walk across the room with out lifting up the nap of the rug and having lint balls left in your wake. Nothing I can do will resolve this problem, it's going to happen until the rug is bare or it gets replaced. Neither of which I don't think we'll be here for.

I have been doing my best to clean this place up. It was filthy when we moved in. The manager had told me months before we moved in that it was going to have the carpets replaced, damage repaired, and everything cleaned up. That didn't happen. I have cleaned out black mold in the kitchen cupboards, picked up nails left in the rug, and I've yet to get all of the soap scum off of the tub and shower surround. The owner of the complex appears to be of a mind to jerk us around and it's making me angrier by the minute when I think about it.

I do my best not to think about how they're attempting to screw us. But, when I look around here and I see the degree of disaster around me, I really want to go burn things down. I hate the process of moving. I hate the process of searching for a new place to live. I really, really hate the fact that we're forced to do so again after having been living here for barely a full two weeks. Somebody please tell me, what god did I piss off?

I'd love to know. Because, I really can't think of any reason why we've got an asshole running the show here trying to scam money out of us and attempting to strong arm us into doing what they want. And all the while, we're supposed to shut up and accept what pittance of responsibility they decide to accept in the maintenance of this place? I'm sorry, but I've got enough of my pride where I'll fix my own damn problems if the solution is within my abilities and they can't be bothered to help us out. And I'll be enough of a bitch to send them the goddamn bill for it too.

Thank god they took care of that problem with the drain in the bathroom sink.

Gods, I really really want to wing a brick thru the car window of the owner's nice little new looking leased sedan the next time I see it in front of the office and to have a conversation with that former manager who we were talking to when we signed the lease. Yep, a conversation including a nice baseball bat. My thoughts are tending towards the aluminum one rather then the wood one. After all, wood is relatively soft compared to metal.

Hmm...

So, I'm in an interesting position. I'm not exactly a big fan of our new neighbors. I'll admit it, the initial impression that they were 'ok' is progressively getting tainted with each fight I hear thru the wall, the stream of random people coming to the door, and a myriad of other little things. I'm doing my best not to be judgemental, but it's not exactly easy. Today, as I was getting back from my walk, I paused to see if I could meet up with the manager.

The same manager who has been conspiciously absent from the premises of the apartment complex we moved into for a while now. According to the other residents it's been almost a month now and they've been unable to reach her by phone for two months. I know that for the past week since we moved in, I have had to call the owner of the complex to get a maintenance guy to come over and kill the hornets nest outside my son's bedroom window and resolve an existing drain problem. Again, I'm doing my best not to let the situation be colored by emotion or false impressions. Moving in to a place that had mold of some sort growing in the cupboards and needs a fair amount of cleaning, when I was told prior to our moving in that it was going to be cleaned, however, is making it difficult to do.

Sooo... in the midst of all this, I've been trying to get ahold of the manager to find out just what my husband and I are supposed to do about our storage unit. The storage unit assigned to us had some one elses stuff in it. That makes things a little difficult to put our things in there. As I was going to talk to the manager, however, I met up with the person who had their stuff in our unit. I then heard an interesting story about the entire situation.

That story kinda made me a little wary but it was having the big guy who lives across the complex from me (who was helping his signifigant other put some of their stuff into storage) offer to talk to the neighbors if they caused problems that made me uneasy. According to reputation, the neighbors are drug dealers and users. I generally don't have a problem with other people's recreational habits. I do my best to make the drug use of others a non-issue when it doesn't directly impact me or my own. After all, what they do to their body is their business and I've no grounds to tell them otherwise.

It was hearing about how they had been moved from one side of the complex to here on the basis of multiple complaints from their neighbors that made me mentally say 'oh? this is an interesting development.' Now, as my son is napping (theoretically napping, he's in his crib with the fan blowing on him and playing in actuallity), I sit here and I wonder just what to do. On one hand, it really isn't my concern just what these people do to or with themselves. At the same time, I've been warned multiple times over the last week that these people are a potential problem, specifically the male half of the equasion.

I've been doing my best to keep the advice of my Father in mind here. Keep my eyes open, my ears open, and my mouth shut. But I really don't know what to do with the information I'm learning. I've been told these things about the one set of neighbors immediately next to us, specifically warned that they get into loud fights and have called the police on each other multiple times, for example.

I'm finding out increasing evidence about the manager's tendancy to avoid complicated situations. To the extent where it looks like she won't come to work in order to avoid dealing with upset residents who have a genuine complaint (like that only one of the three washing machines work) and will actively avoid being available to contact by phone. I look at all of it and I see a situation where ... well... I have a bad feeling that I'm not going to be making any friends soon.

You see, unlike alot of these other people who just sigh and laydown when their legitimate complaints are ignored, I tend to stand up and start forcing the situation to get resolved. I suspect that may make me a trouble maker and several social/political enemies here. I don't like being in that situation, it's always a headache. But I can't help the burgeoning feeling of anger at this whole mess that we've seemingly landed in.

I'm trying, I'm really trying not to view it this way, but there's an increasing pile of material that's pointing it in the direction of actually being that kind of a mess. I so don't want to have to deal with an outside mess ontop of all of the domestic concerns and craziness that comes with raising a kid.

from teh interwebz

Leave a comment and tell me something you dislike about me that you would not normally tell me. In return I will:

A) tell you why I friended you,
B) associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.,
C) tell you something I like about you,
D) tell you a memory I have of you,
E) ask something I've always wanted to know about you,
F) tell you my favorite user pic of yours,
G) in return, you must post this in your LJ, but only if you want to.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

yeah, it's not LiveJournal and I don't exactly have a friends list going on, but I'm curious.

:)

We're almost done...

Well, sort of. We've got the boy's room taken care of. As soon as hubby has stuff hooked up for us to upload pictures to the interwebz, I'll post some of 'em up. I've actually found the floor around here beneath the boxes. I'm even beginning to find something of a kitchen around here.

I'll add more later, but right now I just wanted to let y'all know we've moved and are surviving.

Happy Birthday!

The person who's birthday is today will get the joke. :)

random stupidity from the internet.

I'm taking a break from packing and I've just got to post this because it made me crack up...

When Vin Diesel put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it."