More musing upon the fun of babies...

This occurred to me as I was sitting down to pump so I can feed my little darling and he decided to start fussing in the other room. Read and enjoy!

How do babies know the most inopportune times to fuss? Granted, they'll fuss at anytime, but it seems like there is some rule that determines if it is an exceptionally inconvenient time, they must have a crying fit. Here's a hypothetical scenario that has probably played out unnumbered times around the world:

The child seems to have settled down finally for a nap and you decided to scrub the foot encrusted dishes that have sat waiting for the last 72 hours (at least). You're up to your elbows in water hot enough to scald the flesh from your bones. A plethora of knives, forks, and other instruments of tetanus bearing doom lurk under the surface, awaiting the tender ministrations of steel wool and industrial strength cleaner, as well as to julienne your water softened flesh with the slightest mistaken movement.

It is then, at the precise moment you are reaching in to clean the forth potential item of death that an ear piercing shriek summons you. In your startled parental terror, you envision your mewling newborn child being carried off by a pack of rabid hyenas to either be devowered or introduced to all the bad behaviors of those raised by wolves (of whom the hyena is the trouble-maker cousin).

Now, I am certain that a number of parental 'suicides' are actually due to massive injury sustained by dish washing caregivers whom have sliced a major artery in their rush to replace the lost pacifier. A pacifier which is ignored by the child whom falls back to sleep with the first parental footfall past the nursery threshold.*





*Please note, suicide is not something I advocate. Neither am I making light of the pain suffered by the family, loved ones, and friends of a victim of suicide. As one who has occasionally struggled with this particular demon, I feel that I can make light of it to some extent. It helps me to stave that bit of temptation off. If you don't like it, dear Reader, I really don't care.

Re-post from my Keen Blog

Just because I think my little rant about spit up will amuse folks...

Here's the other Blog --> http://blogs.keen.com/Cydira

Schedules and other fun things with a baby!

I had the mistaken impression that my little one would settle down into something that resembles a schedule by now (actually, a little before now). I think the only thing that resembles anything like a schedule is that if he gets his bottle at midnight, he will sleep thru most of the night. It's a bit difficult to otherwise schedule anything. As such, I will be available on the phone when he is napping or playing quietly. If you happen to hear fussing in the background when you call, please do not be too alarmed.

Bathing this child is almost enough to make me rethink that cat bathing should be a martial art. Baby bathing is almost as bad. Granted, you don't have an angry feline ready to claw you to ribbons for comitting the grevious insult of getting it wet, but trying to hold the child still to clean them is nigh on impossible. I don't know if I will ever get to a point where I can accomplish this by myself! Right now, it feels like we need three people to do it.

One person to keep the baby from wriggling around so much he goes under water (not that there's much there, but some how this kid manages to nearly get his head into the mere inch of water in his little tub). One person to bathe him (who must have three hands to counter flailing limbs). And a third person to entertain the child and hopefully keep him from making all parties deaf with his hollering at the indignity of being nude, let alone soaped up and washed. So, like I was implying earlier, maybe this should be a martial art!

Some of the things that babies do I really had absolutely no comprehension of what it meant. Spit up, for example, is not mearly some little gob of formula that winds up on the chin to be wiped off with the bib after burping. Spit up can also be:

1. A fountain of formula that flies out of the nose and mouth of the child if he drinks one ounce too many. The probability of it landing on your clothes or the rug is proportional to the value of the clothes and inversely proportional to the avaiability of resources to steam clean formula out of the rug.
2. A thin stream that resembles milk colored phlegm from the nose, making a new mother wonder at first if the child has a cold when it first appears.
3. A clothing accessory for mother (or father, or any other person burping the child). Extra special people may have spit up as a hair accessory! (Hence the reason why I wear my hair in a ponytail or under a bandanna when I'm burping the baby!)
4. A clothing accessory for the child. Forget just on the burp cloth or the bib, this stuff goes everywhere!
   
5. A pre-wash for the not so dirty infant swing. After all, those things really do need washed every 5 minutes, right? It says so in the owner's manual, in the really fine print!

I love the little monster, but I have times where I want to pull my hair out. And then, he's so cute that I'm amazed I ever feel so fustrated. As I have been telling my husband, the cuteness is an evolutionary trait. It lulls us into a false sense of security, thinking that the fussiness, explosive diapers, and sleepless nights just happen that one time. Boy, is this parenting thing going to be a wild ride.

A bit of shameless self promotion, please forgive me of any irritation but:

If you're looking for a tarot reading, please contact me on Keen. I'd be happy to do one for you, my rates are posted here. I am still learning how to put together web pages, so if the information on the page is confusing, I apologize. Please, e-mail me and I'll be happy to clear up any questions you might have.

Wow, we all survived the first month!

Sitting here with my little monster on my lap (in one of the greatest inventions known to mankind, a sling!), I'm not entirely sure what to write. It's been a month. It certianly does not feel like it has been a month since he was born. Between mood swings, sleep deprivation, and just desperately trying to adjust to his being among us, I think this feels like the world's longest week. Then again, he wasn't quite this big the day we came home and I don't think he was quite this active either.

I don't think I really have too many 'cute' baby stories at the moment. Some things that just left me wonder-struck are really quite small in the grand scheme. Things like how he looks when he smiles, the tiny size of his hands and feet, and how excited he gets when he first hears his father's voice when hubby gets home from work... they're not very dramatic but they just strike me as marvels.

And then there are the things that I never fully believed in until this child was born. No, not some mystic revelations or that Elvis is living with his space alien friends in the neighborhood of the star Vega. No, it's things a bit more mundane. I did not really believe in explosive bowel movements, for example, until this child had one that I could hear at the other end of the apartment with out the baby monitor on! I never really did believe that pacifiers could be repulsed from the baby's mouth like a pair of ni-cad magnets aligned at opposite poles, but that binky shot clear across the room as soon as my fingers left it.

I didn't comprehend that an infant could manage to go thru half of their wardrobe (which takes up half of the closet) in one day due to soiling themselves. I wasn't fully prepared for the way this child can manage to some how violate the laws of physics with his ability to have a bowel movement that transported itself (in part) from within his diaper to on my clothes, with out any appreciable amount on his pants. I'm still baffled by the way he managed to spit up and have it all down the back of his clothes. I mean, the boy was sitting up in his swing, facing forward, with the thing not even moving. There was no way for his spit up to get onto the back of his clothes unless by some strange effect I don't understand.

Do the bodily excretions of an infant exhibit the quantum particle's effects on a macroscopic scale? It really is the only explination that I can think of at the moment.

And to think, this is but after the first month of this child being home. What will come next? Probably bankruptcy with the cost of diapers and diaper wipes.

So, how do I do this, again?

I am finally getting to a point where there's something of a schedule for this kid. This is great, except for the fact that I now need to figure out how to fit into this schedule the details of running a household and my on-line business. It's a bit tricky and rather nerve wracking. I can see why my Father said that a schedule is your biggest ally in raising a child.

That said, I think the biggest challenge I'm having right now is not the schedule. I think I'm having difficulty with trying to figure out just what I'm going to be doing next with my business. I want to improve my marketing scheme by setting up a website. Not just doing the little website that is thru Keen for my listing, but a real website for my business. Making the financial investment to purchase a domain name and hosting is making me nervous. I realize that this is not something difficult. I know it's not rocket science, but I can't help but worry that if I can't bring in enough money this will be another point where money is just flowing out of this home.

We really can't afford a financial problem like that. So, I'm feeling anxious at the moment. I am also a little nervous because I finally have started to make real progress with establishing my 'name'. That initial boost of confidence that came from the happy replies and the impressed responses to my tarot reading skills has turned into a little bit of a concern that I may not be able to live up to the expectations that my clients will have of me. I recognize that this is my worrying over something for the sake of worrying, but it's been bothering me today.

All of that said and done, I hope that I can get this running my own business thing figured out. I hope that I can remember to take care of the taxes and other tithing to the government in proper order. Most of all, I hope that this can prove to bring in enough money in a fashion that allows me to take care of this little baby and keep house with out loosing my mind. Yep, a schedule is definitely going to be my best friend in this particular little front.

pfft...

Sometimes, I wish I could just snap my fingers and the whole place would be clean. As it stands, I don't think that we'll see a spotless apartment again for many months. :P

UGH!

Ok, I'm done whining, now off to go start making some progress on this mess.

I may just survive this motherhood thing...

Right now, the kid's asleep in the sling on my lap. He looks real cute when he's sleeping. I almost don't have the heart to wake him up for his next feeding. We've all been doing ok around here. Sleep is actually starting to happen at night, even if it is broken by the 3 am feeding. I've been feeling happier and less like I'm completely screwing everything up. Maybe it means that my hormones are finally settling out.

I'm a bit fustrated because the clothes that I have don't fit me right. Those clothes that I had about two years ago from when I was over weight, well, that's about what size I am now. My goal is to get the weight from the pregnancy down by next summer. I've been walking and doing a little light exercise recently. It's wonderful to be healed up enough to actually do some of this stuff again. I never thought that I'd enjoy doing sit-ups, but I did. It was a weird experience. :) Hubby's starting to show that he's making real progress on losing weight himself too.

He started working on improving his own health about two months ago. I didn't really notice because I was half insane from being pregnant. As it stands, I think he's probably lost almost an inch off his waistline, but I'm not entirely sure. I am proud of him for all of that effort, though. It's not easy to be doing things like putting yourself on a diet or making yourself go exercise when you've got about twenty different things pulling you in different directions. So, now, we're striving for healthy meals at home and getting some exercise in when we can.

We've gone for several walks recently, and it was really nice. Who knows, maybe next summer or later in the fall this year, we can go and actually take a few hikes on the trails in some parks we love. It's been a while since we've gone walking at the county park and I hope that we can do so soon. I can't remember if it's still open, as it is after labor day. I may need to check on that before I suggest it to him. :)

The baby is growing like a weed. I was going nuts trying to do the whole "put the baby on a schedule" thing and it wasn't working. So, we decided to give it a try with feeding the baby on demand. It's actually working alot better and the kid is eating/drinking more. The next challenge to conquer is getting him to transition from bottle feeding to breast feeding. It'll be a whole lot easier then continuing to do what I am doing now. I've been pumping and then feeding it to him in a bottle. We had a little success earlier this week getting him to suckle.

I figure if we keep at it, the boy will learn how. It's already pretty clear that he prefers the taste of breast milk to that of formula. I found that interesting. Perhaps it tastes as bad as it smells when he burps, I don't know. If I can just get this little boy to calm down when it's time to feed, I know that I'll see a lot more successes on the breast feeding front.

I'll try to post a pic of me and the baby soon. I almost have figured out how to [b]use[/b] the camera. Now to learn how to get the pictures!

first week down, how many more to go?

Well, the three of us survived our first week home. I'm torn on a few different fronts on how to handle a few different things. I want to breastfeed but the baby has difficulty latching on. He gets so excited/anxious when he tries that he just doesn't manage to get any real feeding done most of the times we try. I've been giving him a bottle with breast milk in it, but I really wish I could be feeding him at the breast. I'm not sure what the best option is at the moment.

Hubby has been working hard on trying to juggle supporting me in my postpartum insanity and dealing with the insanity of work. I love him dearly and I greatly appreciate the effort he has been putting in, but I don't know if I'm demanding too much of him. He deserves time to relax and such. It makes me mad that he has to use his vacation time to take time to be with the baby and I. I know that there's alot of fires to be put out at work and that in alot of ways my dear husband has been the reason why things run smoothly over there. I recognize that his boss depends on him alot for help, and with good reason, because my husband is damn good at what he does and as loyal as an old dog.

At the same time, I'm upset because he hasn't been given time to just relax before the baby was born. We didn't get to go spend some time together as a couple before the child came along, like a little vacation somewhere for a weekend. It was something we had tried to plan over the summer but it never worked out. Now, he's going from the stress of work (where they're trying very hard to improve their standing in the market, again) to the stress of being home with a wife whose half crazy because of hormones and a week old baby. It makes me worry that he's going to resent me for the times where I need him to cuddle me and tell me it'll be ok. And right now, it seems to be happening as often as the baby is looking to be cuddled.

The other source of consternation and confusion is how to manage to get things finished up with rearrangement around here. I don't know where I'm going to put various things and that makes me nervous. I don't know how to arrange things in a manner that will be most efficent. That makes me nervous. I feel like this place isn't big enough for us and that makes me highly uncomfortable. I'm sure that this feeling will pass after we get everything sorted out, but right now I feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory.

And the worst thing right now is the fact that I'm not 'glowing with happiness' when it seems like damn near everybody is insisting that I should be. Apparently, it's normal for new mothers to spend some time doing things like dressing the baby up in every single new outfit for him/her they own. It's apparently normal for them to tickle and such the kid even if they're sleeping. I just can't bring myself to do it and I'm not at the point of being damn near idiotic with happiness. I'm actually feeling rather numb most of the time. The happy face is a front to make the people who tell me I should be happy shut up. There are moments where I'm happy but most of the time it's a cross between nervous and numb.

A concerned friend of mine is suggesting that I may have a touch of postpartum depression. I don't know, maybe I do. I just know that there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to even catch up on stuff, never mind finish anything. It makes me want to cry in frustration. And I have this nagging fear that I'm not a good mother because I don't know what I'm supposed to do at every time with a newborn baby. I am afraid that I'm not a good mother because I'm not gushing with love for my baby boy already. I'm afraid that I'm not a good mother because I would rather sleep then get up in the middle of the night to feed him. ... The list of reasons why I am afraid I'm not a good mother is easily a country mile long.

And that makes me sad too.

I thought you were supposed to be happy when you have a baby. Not scared, sad, and numb. I can understand exhausted or exasperated, but the other three, I'm not so sure about that.

Wow, I'm a mother!

Well, the big day has finally arrived. It actually came last week. Here's what the hubby posted for some friends of ours on a forum we both visit:

Hey, guys! Finally got home, figured I'd update everyone.

Douglas was born on August 22, at 1:01am EDT, weighing 7lbs, 8.5oz.

After a few days of some really bad contractions which I think turned out to be false labor, I took Deb in Tuesday morning because she thought her water broke. Turns out she didn't, but she was ALMOST dialated enough to be in full labor.

A walk around the suite fixed that REAL quick.

She spent 18 hours in full labor, but no dice. The hospital, in trying to make it painless, pushed her too hard too fast. Her uterus got too tired and we had to have a C-section. Damned doctors.

Baby and mommy are healthy. Deb's still got some swelling that's being treated, and of course she has to recover from surgery, so she'll be there for a few days yet.

I've gotta finish putting the crib together and arranging apartment furniture. We were in the midst of that when our baby boy came along a week early.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your well-wishes. It warms my heart, truely.

I've got pictures. They will be posted sometime in the next week or so. Yay for the digital camera the wife gave me for Christmas!

My being incommunicado for the last week has been because I was working with hubby to get everything ready here for the baby's arrival and then I was at the hospital resting. The experience of being at the hospital has some ups and some downs, I'll be ranting about that later. Yep, that's right ranting. More aggrivations then just the crappy food (and why the heck is it that hospital food is so bad as a general rule?).

It's funny, we expected him to be born this week and he showed up a week early. I'm now working on trying my hardest not to let the wacky hormone swings and the nervousness about being a new mother interrupt my enjoyment of being a mother. That said, I get worried as hell when this kid just won't stop crying. My mother tells me that is something all new mothers and fathers go thru and it'll be better next week. I admit it, I'm excited but I also feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory. :)

10 days and counting

Well, it's ten days until the due date. I'm nervous, excited, and generally feeling a bit like I'm all over the place right now. This weekend, my dear and darling husband has been working very hard to get things rearranged so that the furniture we need for the baby can be in here. His brother so very generously helped us out. It was a good thing, to say the least, as I'm at a point where I'm not exactly useful for doing things like moving bookcases and such.

I didn't really get to do much more then supervise. It was frustrating because I felt like I should be jumping into the fray and helping out, too. I have been having some kinda wild mood swings over the last few days. I feel like it's making me a terrible person to put up with, never mind live with right now. Hubby has been generally of good cheer about it all and managing it with a sense of aplomb that I wish I could accomplish at the moment. I didn't exactly enjoy being hit with a weepy sense of angst that I was losing my sex-life for good and that I was doomed to be a mediocre parent at best. It was especially terrible because it happened at 11 O'clock at night last night, right when we were going to bed.

From what I've been told, mood swings get worse as it gets closer to delivery. I'm hoping that since I didn't have really wild mood swings before now, these won't rival some of the ones that I had back in high school. As funny as it may sound, I think I was a crazy child in high school because of the plain insanity of hormones (aggravated by the fact that I've poly-cystic ovary syndrome, which means the hormones aren't functioning quite right to begin with). The other worry that I have is that with the hormones being all over the place, I may just have to deal with a bad case of postpartum depression. That makes me very nervous, to be honest because some folks in my family didn't just have postpartum depression but a postpartum psychosis.

I've to admit, though, the different reproductive system related problems that I've got running around in my family, I'm thankful that it's not as bad as it could be. The baby is healthy. I'm healthy. (I don't know why the doctors are always just about glowing as they tell me how proud/happy they are that I've been taking good care of myself. It's almost as weird as the hospital staff not fully comprehending that I was pregnant and I had appendicitis back in January.) The first thing that was tried worked for helping us conceive, unlike my aunt who had to go thru years of fertility treatments and a few lost pregnancies to have her little boy. I'm really thankful for this child. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have children because of all the problems that run in my family. So this... this is a huge blessing for many, many reasons.

So now, we just have to make it thru the next week (approximately). Then we'll have a new, wonderful little baby in our home. It's funny, because this is all happening so close to our wedding anniversary. Hubby was joking with me that it was planned perfectly, I didn't need to think about what to give him as a gift at all for our anniversary. I realize that money is going to be a bit tight with the baby and all, but I still want to do something special for him. It's been three years on the 5th of next month that we've been married. It doesn't feel like it.

Some how, I'll think of something, even if he insists that I don't need to. He's helped me make so many of my dreams come true. I just can't ignore that or the fact that it's a great excuse to really do something wonderful for him. The man's the best thing to ever happen to me.

Baby shower gossip. :)

Sorry I didn't post this sooner. Life has gotten busy and I've been feeling very tired of late. On the up-side, it seems that the baby has begun to descend to the proper position and it's raining right now (which means much less humidity).

The baby shower was held at my husband's parents' house a few weeks ago. The weather was stunning and fortunately not too warm. The color scheme was blue and white. I've noticed that a great many things in my life have had that color scheme (high school grad party, engagement party, baby shower, a birthday party...). I wonder if it's a weird coincidence or some twist of fate. Either way, aside from the color scheme, the other major theme was 'It's a Boy!'

Fortunately, folks didn't get too nuts over it all. I was a bit concerned that they'd go crazy. You never know with my husband's sister. The food was standard picnic fare with an ice cream cake for dessert. I was quite glad that I've taken to carrying lactaid in my purse with me everywhere. I don't think I would have been able to have about half of the food there if I hadn't had it.

I generally hate the dopey games that they make you play at baby showers. Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm not a fan of Bingo in any incarnation of the game. Fortunately, there was only one game played at the baby shower. Unfortunately, I had to suffer thru 'Baby Bingo'. I think I hid my distaste for playing Bingo fairly well. Though I knew that my brother's wife and my mother were both secretly smiling at how much I was suffering. To me, Bingo is the most god-forsakenly boring game on the face of the earth. It doesn't matter how cute you try to make it, it's still boring. We only played 2 rounds, so I wasn't bored for too long. The serious Bingo players in the group, I noticed, lit right up like Christmas trees at the prospect of playing. The kids had fun also, so I guess it wasn't too bad.

It really was a huge surprise that Mom was there. I had expected her to still be out in Ohio or on the road. Everyone except for my husband and I were in on the surprise, apparently. It was wonderful to see her when I had prepared myself not to. I don't think I can really put into words how much it meant for her to be there. Mom had missed my bridal shower because she was on the road trying to get a little more money to help pay for the wedding. It was a huge disappointment, and that was before the familial drama of my Grandmother's stunt.

I now realize that I am switching back and forth between capitalizing Mom and mother. As well as making other grammatical errors. I don't think I care at the moment. :) Sorry, Lady Cinnibar, but the internal editor is on vacation right now. :P (It's always fun to drive my former english major friends nuts... LOL)

The other major highlights of the party were:

• My husband and his father eating the charred hot-dogs. One of these things still had smoke coming off of it! And they were thrilled that these things were so burned. Just goes to show you, I am married to an odd man. :)


• Watching my brother-in-law's girls and my eldest niece play with the adorable little puppy they had brought with them. I think it's called a cockapoo (it's a cross between a cockatiel and a poodle) and is named Toffy. Real pretty little thing with fur the color of caramel and cream, and has a very sweet temperament, too.


• The gift of the refurbished antique rocking chair from my husband's parents left me as speechless as seeing my mother there. This chair, if my suspicion is correct, came from the house of his late grandfather. It is a wonderful and very comfortable rocking chair. If I can manage it, I'll try to post a picture of this thing up here. I'm not very good with figuring out the whole digital camera stuff.


• Having my eldest niece and my mother in law help me out of the rocking chair after I sat down in it was probably the funniest part of the afternoon, too. Wonderful chair, but it's difficult to get out of because it doesn't have arms!

On the whole, the party was light-years away from what I had been dreading. It was a nice, casual affair. I'm disappointed that my friends weren't able to be there. As one of the gals in Buffalo did note, there is the possibility of a 'welcome baby' party after the kid is born. It was a nice family party and I'm thankful for it. I mailed out the army of thank you cards just recently. I still need to get the film developed with the pictures from the shower on it. As things get settled out, I'll try to either make an on-line photo album or some how share these with you folks who are interested.

I blame the Russian.

It's all this guy's fault. :)

Your Score: Katharine Hepburn

You scored 23% grit, 14% wit, 47% flair, and 28% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.

Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Wow! I'm actually learning how to do this stuff!

For the first time ever, I made a web-page on my own! I'm feeling quite thrilled and proud of myself. I'd been scared to try for a few years. With the fact that I'm starting a business on the internet, I needed to have a web-page. At first, I tried to make one using Geocities. It came out ok, but I couldn't link to it on Keen, where I'm running my business.

I asked my busy husband to help me move the page to Keen. In the midst of his being busy with work and trying to get himself ready for the baby, I realized this morning, it would be better if I took some steps to try to make this page myself. So... I gave it a shot and it actually came out ok. If you look at the section that begins "Meet Your Reader" ... well... I did that!!

I'm feeling *so* proud of myself right now. :) I just thought I'd share that little bit of happiness with all of you before I go rummage around to find my notes on the baby shower.

...

Of course, I wrote down notes! I've been forgetting what I went to get out of the fridge as I'm opening the thing up! If I don't write notes, I'll just have a vague blur for a recollection of the baby shower! And I thought that the forgetfulness to this extent was just a myth... I was *so* wrong! Now... what was I going to do?

Just kidding! Be back soon!

Well, it's August.

I don't know about you guys, but it's hot as an oven here. Today, the temperature got up to almost the mid 90s and I think you can probably just wring the water out of the air. Tomorrow, it's supposed to be hotter. I'm not exactly looking forward to it. While we've got some air conditioning now, it confines me to just one room of the apartment. :P

I'm sure that some of you are wondering how I'm doing and just what the juicy details of the baby shower are. I apologize for the fact that I forgot to update here. The past week has been busy mainly in the direction of making baby clothes, when I've been awake. It's somewhat foolish, or at least I feel somewhat foolish, for how I get tired for no apparent reason right now. I understand that because I'm pregnant and it's hot out, my body is feeling more worn out by everything. I just wish that I didn't get so sleepy all the time. It's been difficult to get things done. I'd love to be able to get the dishes done and have this place cleaned up at the end of the day. I don't exactly manage that right now, however.

I may get some of the things I want to do done, like getting the mail or folding up my laundry, but others will fall by the wayside as I run out of steam. I find myself sitting at the computer looking at silly pictures or sitting and reading a book, if I'm not napping right now. Either I'm physically exhausted or I'm mentally drained. Neither work too well for accomplishing much, but I've been doing my best not to feel too guilty over it. But, that's what's been interrupting my posting recently.

I'll ramble about the baby shower in the next post. And it won't be a week until it shows up, I promise!

Amazing how things change...

I guess all I needed was a good dinner and my honey to talk to. I'm not feeling half as shaky and freaked out. I'm still anxious about stuff, but not to the degree I was earlier. I'm hoping that I can manage to get him to sit down long enough to help me with budget stuff next week, but I don't feel like it's all doomed.

The restaurant we went to has finally finished their remodeling. It was a charming but slightly run-down establishment before. Now, well, it looks completely different. The worn green carpeting is gone, the army of over grown plants along the divider between sections in the back has been scaled down, and the cracked, peeling vinyl seated booths are no more. It is a huge difference. Now, the place has a sleek look and you can really feel that the restaurant has room for a body to move in there.

The food has always been good. The service has been excellent just about every time we have gone in. With the addition of the new hardwood floors, beautifully refurbished booths (that I think are larger), and a general freshening up of the paint, it makes the place look very, very nice. All of this started about four months ago when the business came under new management. The folks that are in charge made a few subtle changes to the menu lay out before ordering whole new menus that are a lot easier to read. They kept the things that sold really well and got rid of the ones that hadn't done well since the late 1970s.

That right there was something that made a little bit of a buzz in town among the regulars. When they started to add new desserts to the menu, more chatter happened and business started to perk up. The place isn't a big, hopping joint but I think it's on its way there. If you're ever in our neck of the woods, we'll have to take you over to Peppermints. I think that they've got the best grilled chicken in the three counties for under $10 and I'm positively addicted to their chef's grilled vegetables. Something about the way these things come out, they're not mushy or burned. It's just enough to bring out the color of the vegetables and still keep 'em crisp.

To say the least, my mood has been dramatically improved. :) Now to go and tackle other projects and tasks around home. At least I got the most miserable of 'em all done. And my darling husband is going to be helping me out with the other one I hate, dishes. It's wonderful, absolutely wonderful that he has been helping out more around the house. I love the fact that as his stress levels at work go down, he helps out more and is generally more cheerful. Here's hoping that things keep going this way!

I feel almost ready to SCREAM!

I absolutely hate going thru the bills. I recognize it is a necessary evil. Unfortunately, it is something that just must be done. As I've spent multiple hours dealing with this headache, I feel almost ready to spontaneously combust or scream. I'm honestly not sure which. And to think, some time over the next week, the budget for next month needs made and the check register gets to be compared to the bank statement. Oh how much joy and rapture will this be, indeed.

It doesn't help that the pile of bills and mail that I just went thru had been sitting for months. Fortunately, most of the bills are paid. Those that are awaiting payment and filing are now in a nice, neat little stack next to my desk. I still feel on the verge of a complete freak out because I've been sorting and filing old medical bills and expenses. Right now, I can feel my hands beginning to tremble and I'm torn between being cranky as hell and just whimpering in anxiety.

It's a huge mess. I'll admit it. Between the mountain of medical bills related to the year that I didn't really have a job and had many lung problems and the bills all relating to the health needs I've had over the past three years, I think the amount of debt in this front is probably equal to the amount I owe on my student loans. I honestly don't know, which is part of what has me freaking out right now. I have no damn clue how much money I owe people.

It makes trying to get the financial picture settled out scary as hell. I really do wish that I had my husband's constitution. It seems like the man never gets sick. When he gets a cold, it's the sniffles where as I am sick in bed for a week with a sinus infection and a cough that the neighbors hear thru the wall. Now, I am finding myself dreading things like when cold and flu season comes because I don't know if the baby is going to take after me or my husband. I don't know if I'm going to be horribly ill at some point and be absolutely useless for taking care of the baby. It's ... it's rather terrifying because I don't know what to do right now.

I'm doing my best to remain healthy. We've got good health insurance. I try to keep our home relatively clean and make sure that we eat healthy. It feels like the rest is just up to the fates. After all, who knows when my ovaries will decide it's time to have a grapefruit sized cyst or if my lungs just feel that it's a ducky idea to not function quite right because of my allergies. Here's hoping that my anxiety attacks don't start coming back as I handle things with the money around here. Gods, I hate dealing with this crap.

It actually went somwhat well...

I'll give a more complete report of how the adventure known as the baby shower went last Saturday during the daylight hours. I'm making progress on things like baby clothes and getting the apartment ready for a massive amount of furniture rearrangement. The last few days have been odd. Monday I slept all day because I was exhausted for some unknown reason. Today, I woke up because the baby was kicking a lot at about 8 am. I'm not going to try to figure this out.

I've moved the supply of antacids to the bedroom because the heartburn has gotten to the point where it wakes me up and doesn't let me sleep more often then 3 times a night. I'm hoping that this will be gone as soon as the baby is born. The last thing I need is for the heartburn and the lactose intolerance to potentially continue.

I've most of the thank you cards written from the baby shower. I now need to address them and send them in the mail. I will try to remember to send letters out to the various people I must be writing as well, I'm not sure how successful I will be. I've completed the pre-registration paperwork for the hospital and I'm in the beginning of completing the new patient paperwork for the baby. As I move forward on these things, I am baffled yet again by the sheer mass of bureaucratic paper pushing that is required for events such as birthing a child, getting married, or dying. I suppose hell is well populated with the persons who felt these paper trails were necessary, because it's pure suffering to be fighting with all of it.

I'm not looking forward to the 'fun' of the social security paperwork. It was a huge headache just to get my stuff updated when I got married and changed my last name. I don't want to think about how painful it will be to do the paperwork for the baby. Either way, I'll be posting more tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to drink my glass of water (grimacing at the heartburn) and maybe read up on some nice recipes.

an artist's perspective

I like unusual and unique artwork. I think that this gentleman's work clearly qualifies. I just found this blog and I've got to say it's amazing.

Bent Objects

Excellent work Terry! I look forward to seeing more as time moves forward!

Going to Buffalo.

Yep, my husband and I do that some times. We don't live *too* far away so we can get over this way to visit some of our friends here. Last night, after the baby shower, we came out for a game that my husband helps to run. As he was assisting in directing the players to their various tasks and keeping order in the chaos that usually follows, I sat and worked on some embroidery. The baby blanket that I have been making for the last year is almost done.

It was a quiet evening, despite the fact that the game was an active group and after which we came to a friend's house for a bonfire. Somehow, even with all the potential for things to turn crazy, it didn't. I am glad that we stopped over here at our friends' house. After the baby is born, we're not really going to get too many opportunities to just cruise over here and hang out. I'm not sure but I think this may be the last time I come out this way for a while.

I feel sad because I am going to miss a lot of folks. At the same time, there is a good deal of teenage angst/drama that happens surrounding the games we play in that I won't miss. I've made some good friends here and I'll do my best to keep in touch with them. I just hope that it doesn't turn into a case of 'out of sight, out of mind.' I don't know what I'll be doing to get out of the house and take a break from taking care of the baby. I sincerely hope that it will not be something foolish, like perhaps going to the mall or something equally inane. It's hard enough to figure out what to do with myself now, before the baby is born.

I am nervous that I'm going to possibly be socially isolated by virtue of the fact that I'm not going to be leaving home very much. In the same moment, however, I feel relieved to have some of the social awkwardness lifted from my shoulders. I'm not exactly comfortable in a city setting and I find that I have a difficult time finding common ground with folks who are from the city. It still surprises me that some of my most lasting friendships are from people who were raised in major metropolitan areas. I guess my rough, some what shy, country ways isn't too alienating. I just worry that they are. Now, I'm going to be embarking on something of a great adventure, raising a child with my husband. I hope that the baby doesn't grow up to resent us too much for not favoring the city and it's rapid pace of life. It sure does look more interesting then watching grass grow in our little town or out on the farm.

The Baby Shower

I'm relieved to say that the baby shower did not turn into the fiasco that I was so worried it would. Held at my Parents-In-Law's home, it was a casual affair. The color scheme was baby blue and white, with the accents of yellow occasionally. There were balloons which said "Welcome Baby!" and "It's a Boy!" in blue and white. The weather was stunning, which only served to help the time fly by.

I think that one of the biggest surprises of the day was having my Mom there. I had thought that she was going to still be out of town on business, but I was obviously wrong. The other surprise was the refurbished antique rocking chair that my husband's parents gave us. To say that I was stunned would be to commit a great understatement, I was speechless. It is a beautiful chair and actually more comfortable then the rocking chair that I had located at Wal-Mart.

I wasn't terribly enthralled with the 'Baby Bingo' game that was played, but it made me smile to watch my brother's and my brother-in-law's children win the game. We didn't receive half as many baby toys as I thought we were going to have thrust upon us. Mainly, the gifts were clothes. It's some what amusing that they got the message wrong and most of the clothes that we were given were for an older baby. It's a good thing that I've been working on sweaters and the like for a newborn to a 3 month old child.

My dear and darling husband did come to the party with me. He, his brother, and my father-in-law, all hid away from us ladies, however. My father-in-law did pester his wife as to when ice cream was going to be served immediately after we were finished with the picnic lunch. It was good for a chuckle, as was the expressions of shock on my husband's aunt's face when he and his father both ate some royally burned hot dogs. These things were still some what smoking when they came out for some more to eat.

I generally avoided talking with my grandmother by being chatty with my sisters-in-law. My brother's wife and my husband's brother's wife both got along quite well together. I think that is just wonderful and I hope that maybe they can strike up a friendship. My brother's wife is a somewhat lonely woman, despite the fact that she has a brood of girls and a small army of family immediately around her. It is my hope that us married women with children may actually get together on a somewhat regular basis after the baby is born. I know that it would probably do all of us and our kids some good.

On the whole, the family party was a nice party. I do still feel disappointed that a party involving my friends couldn't have happened. I couldn't help but smile, however, when my husband said that when our next baby was going to come along, he would take a hand in planning the baby shower so that will happen. I had been a nervous wreck over the last few weeks leading up to this party. It's kinda funny, in a sad way, that I was so anxious over this.

I don't know if it was hormones contributing to the anxiety or if it was the painfully clear recollection of the humiliation that came along from my grandmother at the last big party thrown in my honor. Either way, I walked into this expecting to have to face the worst and do so with the same level of cool headed grace as I had when there was panic behind the scenes at the wedding. It was an enormous relief that the worst thing that happened was a toddler fell over and some hot dogs got burned beyond recognition. It gives me a thin bit of hope that the next time some one plans a party for me, it won't turn into a disaster or some kind of display of familial obligation (if not some sick combination of the two).

update upon the mood front

I'm not feeling as upset/depressed as I was earlier. I suppose the combination of a nap, a shower, and spending some quality time with my husband is what did it. I'm still unhappy that my friends won't be able to make it to the baby shower, but that's how life goes sometimes. I don't know if I had noted the fact that I've started an on-line business or not. I suppose if I hadn't I just did. :)

I've finally taken the big plunge and stared an on-line tarot reading business thru Keen.com, despite my anxiety. So far, it has been slow going. I've got the beginnings of a web-page designed. My dear and darling husband is going to fix it up so that it actually looks presentable. There will be a picture of me up on the listing and on the web-page. I've started another blog just for this little business of mine. On the whole, I've got a some what sound beginning set up.

I've even actually had a few callers. Generally, it's been a lot less complicated then I was concerned it would be. I must admit, it is pretty amusing that I had dragged out my old text books from the class that I took at college for mass media writing. It included a section on advertising, which I have reviewed and am attempting to apply towards things like the website I am building with my husband's help. It is my hope that I will build up a reasonable bit of advertising and such so that I can have a somewhat regular check coming in from this.

The way my husband and I figure it, if I can get to a point where I can have a regular customer base and a flexible schedule, I should be able to continue doing this after the baby is born. The grand experiment of selling items on Craigslist.com has not panned out very well for me. It would be really nice if it did, but I'm afraid to say that I'm not offering anything interesting enough for sale to get any buyers. I could theoretically be making and selling baby booties, but I just don't want to take the effort I'm using for making baby clothes and spend it on some one else's baby, unless they are a friend of mine. It may sound a bit selfish or perhaps mean-spirited but it's how I feel. I'll post more about the baby clothes stuff in a little bit.

what i've been up to...

Well, where do I begin? I haven't really been terribly active of late. I try to get my walks in, but as things have progressed over the last month or so, my walks become shorter and shorter. Swollen feet and ankles don't exactly help a person take a two mile walk or even a quarter mile walk. I've been feeling kinda bummed today, actually for the past few days. The reasons are fairly simple and I feel rather annoyed with myself over them.

I'm nervous as hell that this baby shower that's being thrown for me by my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law is going to come out like the bridal shower did. I was painfully bored and I was offended deeply by my paternal grandmother's antics. Maybe it's just me, but it's kinda offensive to be giving some one a copy of Etiquette for Dummies. I'm dreading the idea of her deciding to give me a copy of Parenting for Dummies because she's ticked off by the fact that she wasn't involved in the planning of the baby shower or some other thing. I feel badly that I don't really want to go to this thing, because I'm expecting the worst possible things to happen.

I feel like my family doesn't generally give a damn about me. Mom calls me and checks up on me at times. I know that my brothers care and so do their families. The rest of 'em... well, they don't take the time to call me or try to see me. And yet I'm supposed to believe that they care, are interested in my well being, and I should be putting in the effort to go see them. It's rather ... stupid (to put it as lightly as I can). I hate to have to go and court the good favor of my relatives when things are generally good. To have to do so when I'm pregnant and the rest of the world seems to think that I should be receiving visitors and good wishes, well, it's rubbing salt in the wound. Especially when I've got neighbors and associates who assume that this is how life is for me, as it supposedly is for each woman that is pregnant.

I guess I can say that I feel depressed right now. It's not due to the fact that my hormones are a bit nuts right now. Or at least, I don't think that's the case. I feel hurt by the fact that I spend everyday home alone. Friends who said they'd call me from work never did. Family who said they were looking forward to visiting me when school was over, well, they don't show up. I've some other folks who have a knack for getting themselves into trouble and then call me to resolve it, people who I thought were my friends but are now showing that they're just using me.

In the midst of all of this, I've got some friends who I am trying to get a hold of but it just hasn't been working out right. Now, I'm scared that I've offended them or some how managed to push them away, so that the friendship is destroyed now. Never mind the fact that I had wanted them to come to my baby shower, but it's just not happening this summer. I got mad because I had assumed that my sister-in-law was being a flake (as per usual) and had put off planning the baby shower for months. I then find out that the gal was attempting to plan the shower with a mutual friend from high school, who had become pregnant recently. The delay in the shower was due to a combination of the friend's morning sickness making planning difficult and family chaos in my husband's family.

So, I feel mad at myself for being angry with my sister-in-law. At the same time, I'm mad at my sister-in-law because she didn't get a hold of my brother's wife (who according to theory was helping in the planning, but no one really talked to her, apparently). I've got so many different things that are bothering me and making me upset. I feel like I shouldn't be upset like this, like I should be one of those women who take everything that happens in their pregnancy with complete aplomb and navigates the situation with the best of 'em. I don't know if I have legitimate reasons to be upset.

I want to cry, scream, or just crawl into bed and hide from the world. I've been keeping a lot of the upset bottled up and it just kinda blurted out here. I'm sorry if I've disturbed you. I wasn't trying to, just trying to maybe help myself feel better. It doesn't seem to be working at the moment. I guess I will go crawl into bed and hide from the world. Sometimes, when the world feels like it's out to just make you feel like crap, the best thing to do is go take a nap.

My dear husband, I'm pretty sure that you're going to read this. I know that there's a lot of good that I've done recently and there's a lot of good on the way to us. I know that our baby is healthy and that's a huge blessing in and of itself. I know you love me and that you think that I am a competent woman. I just feel badly right now. Getting mentally prepared for the 'fun' of this weekend, well... it makes me feel like I need to force a smile and do my best to make everyone else happy, damn how I feel. It's just how it feels to me between how the last big party held in my "honor" went and how virtually every other party had gone in my family that was for me. It hurts to feel like this and I don't know what to do.

I'll do a happier post or at least a less upset one after I wake up from my nap.

I may sound paranoid at times but ...

So, I'm reading the news and listening to the news radio programs about everything going on in the world. As I am listening and reading, it occurs to me, the fact that the head honcho at the Homeland Security office has a 'gut feeling' that a terrorist attack may happen is quite possibly a clever ploy to attempt to clamp down more on the rights of the people. Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like any time there is some big announcement that we've to be 'concerned' (read afraid and kowtowing to the State) about terrorists that there's some kind of shyster move being made domestically. It's kinda like during the Clinton administration there was a new scandal or international incident to cover up some domestic screwing of the citizens that was being done.

Maybe I'm paranoid.

Maybe I'm not, and that is what troubles me.

hmm...

Somebody must have told the marketing folks here at Blogger about my penchant for collecting and reading cookbooks.

I just found at least six different cooking related blogs displayed as "blogs of note" for me to review via the links at the dashboard page. Some of the items looked wonderful. Others, well... they weren't quite my style, but it was interesting to read about them.

I'm an odd person, I suppose. I've started to keep a cooking journal of sorts. It's really just a few notebooks of recipes. Some day, I'll actually write down some thoughts about the recipes, aside from what substitutions work best and which ones my husband likes. I've started one for my girlfriend Lionessa. At some point, I really should get over there to give it to her. I think she'll enjoy it a lot.

I love to write and I'm finding that I've a budding love of cooking. I just wish that I didn't abhor the cleaning up part quite so much. I think it would make my culinary adventures easier then. There's still that pile of dishes in the other room and I suspect that 78% is probably about as cool as it is going to get tonight. This may be the best time to go wash dishes and get a few things ready so that we can actually have dinner at home tomorrow night. I just don't know if I feel motivated enough ... no, not motivated... I don't know what the right word for it is. Ah well, I think I'll be procrastinating on dishes for yet another hour of insomnia... as I suspect I'm not going to really sleep at all tonight.

insomnia, anyone?

Here I am, sitting here at the computer when I really should be sleeping. I don't really have a reason to be awake right now. My darling husband is actually sleeping quietly and peacefully. He's even managing not to take pillows or push me off the bed, as he does some times (usually about 4 in the morning). The baby's not kicking a lot. The air conditioner is doing wonders and making the bedroom actually comfortable for sleeping.

I just can't sleep.

Instead, I find my mind wandering. I think I've mentally sung the lyrics to about six different country songs over the last two hours. I can't seem to manage to get into that relaxed sleepy state that I was in when I first went to go lay down. Ironically, now that I'm up and typing here at the computer, I've actually got a bit of heartburn. :P I was comfy and all, I just couldn't make my brain quiet down.

If I wasn't singing country songs in my head, I was wondering if it was going to rain tonight. I was staring out the window counting the number of cars driving by based on the glare of the headlights against the bit of the roof that overhangs the bedroom window. I was wondering how my husband was sleeping, hoping that his dreams weren't stressful. Given that he's not snoring, tossing, turning, or muttering in his sleep, I don't think I've got anything to worry about there.

I debated going and washing the small mountain of dishes that needs done right now. I think the noise of it would wake my husband up, though. It's been a while since he's gotten a good night's sleep. I worry about him sometimes. Well, more often then sometimes. I can't really help worrying about him. It's not that he's got a dangerous job or anything else crazy like that. He's just been really stressed out of late with work and he's been a bit panicked over my well being since the whole business with my appendix back in January/February. It makes it where he doesn't sleep well.

It's hard to believe that I'm now 8 months pregnant. I'm finding myself feeling nothing of the excitement that so many other women have or the nervousness that I'm being told that I should be. I haven't been too uncomfortable with this pregnancy. Sure, it's ackward and I really would like it if my ankles didn't swell up like balloons when the weather got hot or I was standing for a while. The sore back and now the sore hip are also feelings I could probably do with out, but it's not too crippling.

I kinda wish that I had a few more pictures of myself as this pregnancy progressed, but life got in the way of that happening. It always seems to happen that way, life getting in the way of plans and projects. I've gotten a fair amount of sewing done, even some crochet for the baby's clothes. I don't like this one pattern for leggings. I'm half tempted to rip the work out and just make something different with the yarn. It's not the best idea, though, because I'm so close to having these goofy things done. It's just the difficulty of getting the one leg finished properly for the back of the leggings. Once one is finished, the second leg just whips right along. Then I'll just need to stitch them together and make the shoulder straps.

I'm going to be making some baby sweaters, caps, and mittens. Hubby wants me to use this rather garishly colored yarn to make an outfit for the baby. It'll match the little lap blanket that I've been working on for hubby, so I'm not going to object too much. I bought the yarn back in December, shortly after I learned I was pregnant, and I thought that as I worked with it the colors would settle out into a rainbow pattern. I was wrong, as I found out making baby booties for coworkers back in June. It makes this (hideous, in my opinion; cool, in his) tie-dyed/melted crayon effect to the fabric that blends these bright colors together. While I want to use bright colors and I am willing to put some unusual color combinations together, this is just too much for me. Hubby, however, loves the combination and just about begged me to make some clothes for the baby with this yarn.

So, I went out to the store and bought more of this yarn. His lap blanket/afghan will be done soon and I'll make the clothes next. I'm not using the dopey pattern that is in my book, though. It's driving me crazy because I swear that these people can not count. I've been trying to correct for their errors but it's getting rather aggrivating. I'm thinking that I'll probably make a nice little shawl for me, too. I won't be doing the screamingly obnoxious color combinations that range from a deep wine color to the bright shade of the inside of a cooked acorn squash. And those two colors are right next to each other on this skein of yarn! :P

I have a big skein of garnet colored yarn that I think I will be using. I just need to decide on the pattern. Here's hoping that it will be done better then this pattern for the leggings. :p

Yet more to add!

I confess, it is rather amazing what happens when you add a bite to eat into the equation for resolving lack of inspiration. Baby stuff does make for good posting material, but so do many other things. It's a tough debate as to what to put in here, unlike earlier where I couldn't think of anything at first.

I think what I'm going to do is post on the most immediate of topics- my husband. :)

Right now, he's playing a game called God of War II. Our friend loaned it to him on his birthday back in May. He's been busy trying not to stress himself out over work stuff, so he's taken some time to beat the game a few times. Right now, he's gotten to the point where he has some nifty tricks available to him. It's fairly entertaining to watch him play the game. There's something hilarious about a grown man trash talking a computer or a video game, can't quite place it, but it's there. The other thing that amuses me is how he's been 'testing' the rocking chair when he doesn't think I'm looking. Using it to play his games on the Playstation just makes me chuckle.

I'm glad that chair is comfortable for both of us. It will be important later on. Right now, he and I are already getting a little bit of experience soothing baby into some quiet time before I go to sleep. It's funny, but his rubbing my belly works better then my doing so. If I'm just sitting in the rocking chair and rocking, the little one will settle down. But it only lasts as long as I'm in the chair. When I go to get up, the baby will stir and start kicking me. I think it's because I'm changing his position after he's gotten comfortable. The most amusing part of it all is that hubby's rubbing my belly, and there by the baby, works better then my rocking in the chair.

I've been busy with what I'm sure the women I worked with over the last year would have declared to be 'nesting' things. I'm not 'nesting' like they and many others have insisted. I've been trying to find ways to create more space in the apartment and more organization. I have moments when I feel a rising sense of panic that our apartment isn't big enough or that we're not going to have a way to keep home orderly and handle the insanity of the new challenges associated with an infant. So, I've been doing things like working on rearranging how things are put away in the kitchen, organizing various things in the apartment, and doing my best to make it as quick and easy to find, put away, and clean everything here. I figure the more I prepare, the better off hubby and I will be when the baby arrives.

I don't think that's the wacky 'nesting' instincts kicking in. I think that's more like I'm trying to cope with my anxiety about being a new mother by trying to be prepared. Here's hoping that I'm not doing it all in some stupid fashion that will come back to haunt me later. :p Aside from doing my best to make home-care as straight forward and easy as possible, I've been working on making baby clothes. I'm debating making some and selling them on the craigslist website.

At the suggestion of some of the ladies that I worked with at the school, I have posted a few items up there to sell. Who knows, maybe some one will actually want to have the small collection of glass vases that I've got kicking around here or perhaps can use the extra large roasting pan that won't fit into my oven. It's a bit of work, but I think that I can manage to possibly even sell some of the baby booties that I can make. They were a huge hit at the school and it only took me about an hour per pair to make.

Yeah, there's already been some baby showers. I'll give the gory details when I'm not quite so distracted by hubby's game. But, here's something of a 'real' post for y'all.

No, I have not fallen off the edge of the earth!

Life has just grabbed a hold of me and refused to let go. I'm sure that you all know exactly what that's like.

I'm not sure what to say right now. The last month of school went well and now the summer break, and my maternity leave, has begun. I'm feeling nervous about financial things, but I think I'm not going to panic. I've been reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book and finding myself reassured that hubby and I are not as bad off as I was worried we were. I was also rather amazed to read that so many people have damned themselves with credit cards.

I've got to admit it, hubby was right when he decided to ban credit cards. I kinda argued with him for a little while, thinking we should have one 'just in case.' As I've read these anecdotes about how other people have used that 'emergency' credit card, I realized that was probably one of the best financial decisions we've made so far. While the budget is going to be tight over the next year, I am forced to say, we're doing alot better then we could be. If we didn't own our car or if we had a massive mortgage that we were barely making payments on before, I think we'd be hosed.

Money concerns have been giving me a little bit of insomnia of late. Mainly, however, my waking up in the dead of the night has been due to alot of heartburn and gas from the baby. I never realized just how much I enjoyed being able to easily roll over and change my position in bed until it has become difficult to do. :p I'm officially into the beginning of my 8th month of pregnancy. I apologize to all of you wonderful folks who want pictures of my big belly and me. Hopefully, those will be up soon, but I'm honestly not sure. Life has made things difficult and stressful for hubby due to work. As a result, the bit of tweaking required to post pictures on the 'net from his digital camera or to print them off has been bogged down by his efforts to 'decompress' from work.

Maybe I can con him into doing that soon, I don't know. I'm waiting to see how much of the stress is going away since that huge, maddening government project they were working on is finished. I'm happy that big headache is resolved and things are getting back to 'normal' over where my darling husband works. Mondays are still bad days, but I don't think they're quite so bad. I'm not sure, though, because some days it seems like he can't win for all of his effort on a Monday. I think today was one of those days, judging by how his phone call with me went a few minutes ago.

I'm thinking and I'm not sure what else to post in here. I don't really have any deep thoughts or major breakthroughs to present at the moment. I've been slowly making progress on crocheting baby clothes, despite the errors in the patterns given in the various books I've been consulting. It's amazing what you can do when you have some one who actually knows how to crochet explaining to you the mistakes the 'professionals' who wrote the book made and how to correct them. Some of these professionals really, really need to learn how to count. I may have a math learning disability, but I know that 15 does not equal 45 when you add 3 to it. It just doesn't work! Who knows, maybe the book editor was asleep when that edition went to press.

If we can figure out enough time to post pictures up here, I'll try to slap up some of the different baby related projects I'm working on. The big baby blanket is 3/4 of the way done. I have finally finished sketching out the designs for the different teddy bears and now I just have to embroider them on. So far, it is coming out very well and it actually looks fairly cute. I've yet to master the arcane art of knitting, but if I'm given a little time, I think I can do it! Then, maybe, I'll knit a few blankets and some clothes too.

The baby is healthy and kicking alot. I guess that's normal for this point in time. We've been told by the sonagram techs at my last ultrasound that we're having a boy. Mom's told me not to believe that because my sister-in-law was told the same thing for all three of her pregnancies, and they have three adoreable little girls. We've picked out some names that we like and now it's just a matter of getting the official word on the gender. I'm thankful that hubby didn't insist on the name Aloysius. I've always hated that name. I think it was because of a character that I despised or a book that I despised reading in high school.

I can't think of anything more now and I really should go clean some. The kitchen looks like it exploded from when dinner was made for my parents over the weekend. It was great to see them and great to get their help fixing up a few problems, but I just don't want to go wash dishes. Oh well, no time like the present to take care of problems, I suppose.

just for my hubby...

I love you.

I don't know what I'd do with out you.

You really are the best thing to ever happen to me.

I miss you when you are away, even if it's for a little while.

I'm still crazy about you, even when we both have a bad day.

I don't mind that you fold the laundry differently then I do. I need to get over my neurosis.

I'm proud of how hard you work to support us. Let's be honest, your paycheck keeps the lights on.

I want you to be happy and to feel loved.

I hope that your boss and you can figure out how to get you some vacation time before the baby is born so that you get to enjoy the last little while before junior makes his arrival. You know, the two of us with out having to employ a baby sitter for the night.

I love you more then I have words, even when I feel like I'm going crazy.

I can't see my life with out you in it. That's how Mom told me I'd know I picked the right one.

Something happier.

I'm enjoying pregnancy. So far it's been a wonderful experience, though the second trimester morning sickness is not that much fun. There's been some ups and downs, but life generally has been good. Oddly enough, the only concerns that I find myself plagued with are revolving around money. Some of this is obviously due to the fiscal changes that will be coming with the baby and some of this is due to the fact that I will be taking a year off from working at the school. Efforts to plan and prepare for the baby have been helping some to get this worry under control.

Some days, I have some really amazing things happen that gives me hope for the world. Yesterday was one of those days. I can't stop smiling and being endlessly proud of these kids that I work with at the school. As some of my friends may know and I may have stated here, I work with students that are mentally disabled and facing other educational challenges. The majority of the students in the classroom where I am are mentally disabled to the extent that they will most likely not be able to live on their own after they are done with school. Generally, they're of a good disposition and cheerfully face their challenges daily.

We go to the local nursing home to visit and entertain the residents. Earlier this week, I had learned that two of the residents were going to be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary this weekend. I mentioned this too the kids and next thing I knew we were planning a surprise anniversary party. The students who normally argue like cats and dogs worked together diligently to accomplish this happy goal. Each persons contribution came together beautifully and this couple (who have so warmly embraced these kids and are facing their own share of difficulties) were delighted with the end result. Friday afternoon, we walked in the door with four balloons, a cake, and a card. We walked out with smiles, heartfelt gratitude, and a sense of pride in having done something truly wonderful.

And I think that the kids taught the adults around a valuable lesson that day.

No matter who you are or what you do, a little kindness can go a very long way.

I'm so very, very proud of them.

Summarizing angst/fury for the masses

I've taken some time to review the things that have really been bothering me. I read a few web-comics, looked at some stupid internet pictures, and generally tried to de-stress myself. I'm still awful damn angry about several different things. I'll apologize right now for my use of minor vulgarity. Sometimes, I get so angry that I have a hard time restraining it.

I've got three big points that make me angry. One of them I hit on earlier when I ranted about the degree to which people tolerate the general bullshit that's rampant in the nation's educational system. Mind you, this is bullshit that is focused on staff and faculty conduct and how the institution in question looks at it. The other half of my beef with the educational system can be boiled down into a problem that I have with how there appears to be a systematic effort to reduce the educational part of that system to ... well... a pathetic attempt to cope with one's basic need to feed themselves. I know, that sounds horribly bitter and probably a bit too harsh. From where I stand, though, I've got to say it's hard not to view it that way.

Civics education has been reduced to a memorization of a time line and a vague description of what the different parts of the government is. At one point in time, people were taught about things like why the American Revolution took place, why our government functions the way it does today, and how it developed. Good citizenship wasn't merely a question of who went out and saved the most kittens that month, as many schools have reduced it to. It required something of a basic comprehension of what one's rights were and why they were important. It clarified the motto of the country: E Pluribus Unum. Now, we're lucky if people can recall the things protected in the First Amendment.

You've seen my thoughts on mathematics education. The kind of attitude that's present there is infecting all of the other academic disciplines. What kind of education is a child going to get when they are discouraged from reading material because it is complex? It happens frequently in the local school districts and has been for years. Why is there so much effort being focused on trying to make people forget that matters pertaining to philosophy were once taught in high school? I'm not saying that we should teach religion, at public schools at least. But the methods of philosophical inquiry and discourse are highly valuable skills that not only teach some one how to learn about things but how to think critically. Critical thought is actively being confined to convoluted word problems that are to be solved in methods that hardly make any sense.

I think that is probably what sums up my second, and quite possibly my biggest problem with the educational institutions of this nation. We're not teaching students how to think. We're teaching them how to regurgitate answers, be it factual or propaganda. We're teaching them to rely on technology to solve their problems ranging from simple mathematics to grammar and spelling. These people are not going to have the skills they need to possibly start their own businesses. They simply won't be able to comprehend the various demands placed upon them. When the graduation rate of the nearest major metropolitan center is less then half of the student population and they're hoping to possibly get it to a 60% rate within the next five to ten years, there's a very large problem.

I find myself sickend by the entire mess. It depresses me to see that parents have little clue of just how badly their children are getting screwed. It enrages me to see that the failures of the educational system to actually educate people have been such a protracted matter that there are many parents that don't understand what's wrong. Am I crazy, or is it a teacher's job to empower and guide their students in their efforts to learn, grow, and develop intellectually? Last I checked, that was what teaching was about. What I find myself surrounded by is this ... this stinking morass of incompetence and idiocy run by bureaucrats who desire to pad their already expansive posteriors with the gains wrought by the efforts of others, stolen from the funds reserved for the needs of others, and/or swindled out of the pockets of the local/state/national government in some elaborate embezzlement scheme that's never really mentioned. The educational system, like so many other systems in the government of the nation (on all levels) is rife with corruption and serves to alternately depress and infuriate me.

And then you have non-governmental institutions that are equally despicable. It's more then disgusting to learn how corrupt the health care system is. The entire thing is a protection racket and if you're not participating, you're going to get into a lot of trouble because it's being supported by the government. Sure, you can choose to not have health insurance and not take your kid to the doctors, who are more interested in getting a bigger paycheck then your well being. You can make the free-market choice not to participate in that. At the same time, you will face legal ramifications and the potentiality of having your child taken from you by the government (if not your own imprisonment) for being classed as abusive. It doesn't matter if you can't afford to take Junior to the doctor for that bad cold or that you can't afford the bottle of the prescription medicine. You didn't throw yourself on the altar of greed to make it happen at the expense of your ability to feed your child or go into indentured servitude to the credit card companies.

And folks, please, tell me if I'm wrong about those credit card companies? I don't think I'm going to get a whisper of disagreement anywhere in the house. These people encourage you to sell your freedom so that you can get what you need. The popular culture encourages you to sell your freedom to these abusive taskmasters for the sake of keeping up appearances with the neighbors and having all the creature comforts. Creature comforts that you never truly get to enjoy because you're constantly working to pay off the latest credit card bill. And heaven help you if you can't afford to do so or you can't afford to pay off some other debts! You immediately become fodder for the collection agencies.

Credit collections has become a place where sadists can have a verbal playground. I know, I've been the recipient of much harassment and efforts to make me feel ashamed, afraid, and generally miserable about myself because of the 'shame' that I have for being unable to pay the hospital bills from when I was at college (about 8 yrs ago) on time. I've been denied work in a collections agency because I was too nice. I was willing to work with people to find a reasonable solution that would allow them to pay the debt off over a period of time, even if it was $10 a month. Reason and compassion are two words that are stricken from the vocabulary of debt collections and credit collections. It is replaced with harassment and verbal abuse.

What the hell is wrong with the world? I can't manage to pay my bill on time because I live and work in an economically depressed area. I am making a good faith effort and sending what I can. It is not the minimum that covers the principal balance and the usury charged in addition. So I am some how deserving of verbal abuse, humiliation, and general maltreatment? To add insult to injury, this bill is not for some foolish purchase that I couldn't afford at the time but a life saving emergency procedure that I needed but couldn't afford. One that if I didn't get I would have died?

How is it a crime or some how worthy of such misery to do what you must to live? Especially when said action is not one that is prohibited by law? How is it a crime to be poor? I must be poor because I obviously can not afford to pay these obscenely high rates. If I desired to have housing that would meet my long term needs, I would need to seek the assistances of these brigands in the credit industry. These thieves, mind you, who can freely deny my request for aid because it doesn't look like they'll be able to send in their verbal knee-breakers to get the money out of me fast enough to connive another poor soul into this hell.

Oh, I know, I know. There's public assistance and I have availed myself of it in the past. I'm desperately hoping that we will not need to do so in the future. But if you look at the public assistance programs, they're designed to keep as many people in them as possible. Looking at the current status of the economy, we see that the middle class is struggling to make ends meet. The lower-middle class is just barely more then beggars and they are being told to give up and let themselves be beggars. If you're not making enough to pay all of your bills but you're making too much for public assistance, you're left in the position of trying to save every penny and use every scrap of creativity and luck you have to get through to each paycheck. While my dear husband and I are not at the extremes of this point, we are not financially well enough off to proceed forward as we wish we could.

It makes me angry. My anger is unfocused and mingled with a great deal of sorrow. My ancestors did not fight and die here so that I and my child would some day be indentured servants to some faceless machine. We are not here to be tools of the government, as happens for the people who spread the propaganda in the schools as educational materials, or slaves of the companies, who love to pay a subsistent wage that is only such because of excessively high pricing on things we need. We're here to be free persons building our own lives. Our government is supposed to secure our liberties, not take them away or fool us into believing that they're optional. Our employers and the persons whom we purchase goods and services are not supposed to be working together to reduce us to meaningless pawns where by they trade units of a fictional currency.

But our society.. our miserable and pathetically blind society seems to think this is how it is supposed to be.

And it gets worse as you go farther out into the world.

Once, the United States of America was a place of hope and liberty...

Yep, I'm up on my soap box again.

I suppose I'll apologize to the however many close friends that I have just offended with my rant immediately prior to this post. I had to get it off my chest before I exploded. As in, before I literally spontaneously combusted.

I'll be posting another bit of vitriolic spewing after I eat my dinner. I may not have a working computer at the moment, but I have access to my husband's computer and the internet at my command. I've also got several weeks worth of fury, laughter, and deep thought to share with you. I figure get the angry stuff over with now. Then I can do the fun and "awww, how cute!" things next.

Anybody else, you may want to hang on to your seat. I'm a bit of a tornado at times and I think I've just reached F5 status over a few issues.

You tell me what's wrong with this picture...

A college professor may not be fired for failing to meet academic standards. A plagiarist and known to fabricate material, this professor recently entered the national limelight for his 15 minutes of shame due to a 'controversial' essay making some highly questionable comparisons regarding the victims of 9/11* and Adolf Eichmann.

A first grade substitute teacher drags a student down the hallway by their shirt collar after a minor behavior incident. The school attempts to talk the parent out of going to the authorities and pressing charges of assault.

A teacher repeatedly sexually assaults students. They use their power as a teacher to not only intimidate students into silence but also to cover up their damaging actions. The school attempts to tell the community that the first reported incident is the only blight upon the teacher's career, essentially an attempt cover up the teacher's impropriety for the sake of saving face.

I can continue to list more issues, some recent and some going farther back into history. It's not simply stunning. It's not merely disgusting that I can do a quick and simple search to find it reported in the news of teachers and administrators abusing students, reports that result in firings and convictions. It's not simply embarrassing that I can find reports of teachers and administrators failing to uphold the academic and behavioral standards that they expect of students at any level of education. It is not just idle talk when I hear my co-workers and others within the educational system talking casually about how "upstanding" members of the community, ranging from teachers to law enforcement officials to clergy, provided them with alcohol and encouraged them in it's consumption when they were in high school. Who knows how many more people have similar fond memories of their teen years?

Too many people turn a blind eye to these things. Too many people tolerate this and each time something as harmful as abuse of students or underage drinking is mentioned will explain it away as an isolated incident. Maybe it's just how I was raised, but last I checked, these kinds of things were wrong. Let's forget the moral argument for a moment. (I'm not even going to get into this with your moral relativists out there, I'm making it moot. Read on to see where I'm coming from.)

When a person in a position of power fails to uphold the standards and expectations they are required to enforce, it erodes the power. In the case of dealing with children (I'm sorry, teens, you are still children.), it provides a conflicting example and negates the standards and expectations. Thus, if a teacher commits plagiarism and is not punished for it, the students learn that the rule stating that plagiarism is not tolerated is an optional one to follow. If the same teacher commits this and similar offenses repeatedly, is not punished or given a highly lenient punishment, the rule is undermined to the point of being laughable.

When a person in a position of power abuses their power, it serves to psychologically harm the victim and erode the power of the position. Depending upon the form of abuse, the severity, and the amount, it can prove something that negates the self-worth of the victim, provide the ground work for conditioning the victim for further abuse, and/or instill a lasting psychological trauma (such as seen in cases of PTSD). In cases where the person being abused is a minor, the chances of developing these problems is often higher. It is also likely that the person will not report it for fear of punishment or some other negative repercussions from the abuser.

When an institution fails to punish members who engage in acts that are abusive or failures to meet the established code of conduct, it fails in it's duty. The institution has an implied obligation to the persons who seek anything from them to be honest in their dealings, to maintain their established standards of conduct in all areas, and to correct any instances where these areas are not met. This obligation extends beyond the mere duties to educate (in the case of an academic institution) or to provide medical services (as with a hospital).

This is what we are supposed to expect and it is not unreasonable for us to do so.

Schools which fail in their obligations are schools that strive to cover up the impropriety of their faculty and staff; avoid the responsibility of disciplining their faculty and staff for acts that are not concurrent with the established code of conduct; or to intimidate persons into not pursuing redress of their grievances and legitimate claims against the school or it's faculty and staff. This happens on a daily basis all around this country. This is ignored on a daily basis all around this country.

Teachers and staff who abuse students are given a subtle wink of approval when we say that it's just an isolated incident. Academic institutions that refuse to rectify breaches in the social contract that we enter into with them when we are engaging in business with them, we are giving them approval when we pass it off as a tragic but isolated incident. When members of the community who are leaders of it support actions that are detrimental to the health of the youth and are illegal, they are encouraging the very actions they publicly condemn. When the community fails to hold the leaders of the community accountable for their actions, we are supporting them and endorsing their message to the youth.

Now, I have a question for you, dear Reader, why the hell are you tolerating this? Yep, that's right, I just dropped the ball in your court. I recognize that there are going to be some people who feel as I do that this entire mess is beyond inappropriate and is wrong as hell. I recognize that some people are going to be highly offended with me for making the blanket statement that each and every person who reads this is responsible for tolerating and encouraging the social decay of the country. You who are taking a stance against this kind of reprehensible behavior that I've described and pointed out, you know who you are. I'm not here to castigate you, because I'm sure you are as frustrated as I am with it all and probably just as angry.

I'm taking up issue with the persons who hear about these things and don't do a damn thing. They just sigh, turn the page of the newspaper, and get another cup of coffee. I'm taking up issue with the persons who say it's no big deal when there's rampant reports of people who are interacting with the youth of the nation and are abusing them. I'm taking up issue with each and every person who thinks it's not their problem when these kinds of things happen.

It is your problem. It's not just your problem, it's everybody's problem! The longer we tolerate this bullshit, the worse it is going to get. You want to know why kids are bringing guns to school? You want to know why kids are engaging in risky sexual activity at younger and younger ages? You want to have some kind of a clue as to why the hell there is so many problems with the youth of the nation?

It's not the music, the television, the games, or the clothes. It's the culture. It's the fact that we as a nation are not doing a damn thing when all of the wrong lessons are being taught. It's the fact that we as a nation make excuses for the criminal and the hypocritical actions that occur daily. We are neglecting our children. We are neglecting them as surely as if we were to leave a 3 week old infant for a month in the care of a heroin addicted pedophile who has not a single dime for food, not a single care for the health of the child, and is a habitual arsonist on the side. Chances are awful damn slim that the kid is going to live through the experience, never mind come out of it healthy.

Take your kids out and show them the world. Teach them right from wrong. Lastly, for the love of your child, fight like hell when the world is telling them the wrong thing is right and they should agree to be used, abused, and hurt. Empower your children to do the right thing, because they're the ones that will be taking care of you someday.

No, I have not fallen off the edge of the earth! I promise!

I just don't have internet access unless I steal my husband's computer.

And, since he's a wee bit addicted to it... :)

Well.. you know the score. :)

We're working on a web-page that will tell our friends and family all about what we're up to. He's got some great ideas. Hopefully it will be up soon. :) Currently, I've a *ton* of e-mail to catch up on before he comes and boots me off of the computer. :)

Yay! I'm on Easter Break! :p

So, the Easter Break has officially started as of today. You may be able to tell from the title line of this entry, I'm not entirely thrilled.

I don't mind a day off from work, generally. It is as enjoyable to me as the next gal, but I'm at something of a loss for what to do with a whole week off from work. I'm dreading it, some what, because I have a feeling it will foreshadow the summer for me.

One thing I can say, at least in the summer we won't be getting the weather we are going to next week. "Ugh" is the best description for this up coming week's weather: cold, snowy, and windy. You know the weather that New York state gets at the end of January and the beginning of February? Well, guess what's deciding to make a guest apperance during the month of April... yep, that crap. I'm not happy.

At least I didn't pack up all of my cold weather gear. I do have a slight problem, however, with my cold weather clothes. They're starting to get a bit tight on me with my growing belly. The pregnancy is progressing along fine and the baby is showing plenty of attitude. The ultrasound technicians and I were laughing this morning as the baby kept playing peek-a-boo with them. The baby would line up right for a picture and then move so that the picture wouldn't come out right. This didn't happen just once or twice, but for the whole time. So, the ultrasound that would usually take 15 or 20 minutes took closer to 30 - 40 minutes.

Work has been ... well... work. I can understand why people call it a 4 letter word. I can understand that concept very well, and I actually like my job. Days where I have to deal with 17 year olds throwing temper-tantrums, moronic 16 year olds going on 35 with over inflated egos, and having the general entitlement complex of today's teenagers shoved down my throat, I count them as bad days. I know, you're probably thinking that's everyday in a highschool. It may be that way at most schools, but at the one where I work, the kids aren't usually quite this bad.

Sure, they wear their complexes on their sleeves and are a functional minefield of hormone induced insanity, but you don't have to deal with teenage boys attempting to sexually harass you because your pregnant most days. You don't have to deal with the developmentaly disabled children going into a screaming and crying fit of hysterics because they didn't get to go home from school early (including the intentional soiling of themselves). And you don't generally have to deal with angry teenagers insisting that there's something wrong with the fact that they can't ask any adult in the building for X amount of money and recieve it upon demand. Not only are they insisting that there's something wrong with this fact, but that the social failure is on the part of all adults for their poor performance in academics and the general lack of personal responsibility in themselves as well.

Somedays, I really have a hard time restraining the urge to smack these kids in the backs of their heads and demanding that they grow up. Last I checked, 16 - 18 required a higher level of responsiblity and critical thought then the ages of 3 - 5. Where the hell do these kids get off insisting that they're faultless because they were spoiled by their parents, thus they have no reason to be held accountable for their actions? Now, I can understand the developmentally disabled kids having difficulty. Some of the kids I work with funciton at the level of a 3 - 5 year old child, so I can't hold them to the standards that I hold some one in their late teen years. But this whole attitude of "It's not *my* fault, I'm spoiled." is insane.

I have the perfect response for these kids when they give me this attitude:

That's fine. If you can't handle the responsiblity of your age, then I presume your parents are deciding when you get to move out on your own and learn to drive. Will that be happening when you're 35 or 40?

The thing that's really horrible about this entire sentiment is this:

I have an uncle and an aunt both in their late 40s to early 50s, they have the "It's not *my* fault, I'm spoiled." attitude. They've moved into the home of my late 70s - early 80s grandparents (their parents) with the expectation that they will be taken care of by their parents.

Rather disgusting, isn't it? ....

I really can't think of anything plesant to end this with. I'm half tempted to continue ranting about the social decay of the country and directing a bit of fury towards my manipulative and self-centered relatives.

....

I'm also considering going up stairs to tear the guy in the apartment above a new one for playing his music so loud that it's making the porceline butterflies in the display case by my computer rattle and stomping like he's trying to come through the floor. Perhaps I should just go make myself a cup of tea and do something .. mindless and plesant for a while.