Well, the three of us survived our first week home. I'm torn on a few different fronts on how to handle a few different things. I want to breastfeed but the baby has difficulty latching on. He gets so excited/anxious when he tries that he just doesn't manage to get any real feeding done most of the times we try. I've been giving him a bottle with breast milk in it, but I really wish I could be feeding him at the breast. I'm not sure what the best option is at the moment.
Hubby has been working hard on trying to juggle supporting me in my postpartum insanity and dealing with the insanity of work. I love him dearly and I greatly appreciate the effort he has been putting in, but I don't know if I'm demanding too much of him. He deserves time to relax and such. It makes me mad that he has to use his vacation time to take time to be with the baby and I. I know that there's alot of fires to be put out at work and that in alot of ways my dear husband has been the reason why things run smoothly over there. I recognize that his boss depends on him alot for help, and with good reason, because my husband is damn good at what he does and as loyal as an old dog.
At the same time, I'm upset because he hasn't been given time to just relax before the baby was born. We didn't get to go spend some time together as a couple before the child came along, like a little vacation somewhere for a weekend. It was something we had tried to plan over the summer but it never worked out. Now, he's going from the stress of work (where they're trying very hard to improve their standing in the market, again) to the stress of being home with a wife whose half crazy because of hormones and a week old baby. It makes me worry that he's going to resent me for the times where I need him to cuddle me and tell me it'll be ok. And right now, it seems to be happening as often as the baby is looking to be cuddled.
The other source of consternation and confusion is how to manage to get things finished up with rearrangement around here. I don't know where I'm going to put various things and that makes me nervous. I don't know how to arrange things in a manner that will be most efficent. That makes me nervous. I feel like this place isn't big enough for us and that makes me highly uncomfortable. I'm sure that this feeling will pass after we get everything sorted out, but right now I feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory.
And the worst thing right now is the fact that I'm not 'glowing with happiness' when it seems like damn near everybody is insisting that I should be. Apparently, it's normal for new mothers to spend some time doing things like dressing the baby up in every single new outfit for him/her they own. It's apparently normal for them to tickle and such the kid even if they're sleeping. I just can't bring myself to do it and I'm not at the point of being damn near idiotic with happiness. I'm actually feeling rather numb most of the time. The happy face is a front to make the people who tell me I should be happy shut up. There are moments where I'm happy but most of the time it's a cross between nervous and numb.
A concerned friend of mine is suggesting that I may have a touch of postpartum depression. I don't know, maybe I do. I just know that there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to even catch up on stuff, never mind finish anything. It makes me want to cry in frustration. And I have this nagging fear that I'm not a good mother because I don't know what I'm supposed to do at every time with a newborn baby. I am afraid that I'm not a good mother because I'm not gushing with love for my baby boy already. I'm afraid that I'm not a good mother because I would rather sleep then get up in the middle of the night to feed him. ... The list of reasons why I am afraid I'm not a good mother is easily a country mile long.
And that makes me sad too.
I thought you were supposed to be happy when you have a baby. Not scared, sad, and numb. I can understand exhausted or exasperated, but the other three, I'm not so sure about that.
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