The bursitis in my right shoulder is healed up. I can move it easily and comfortably. I can even sleep on that side. But now my left shoulder is cramped up like nobody's business. I've been applying heat and cold to it in the hopes that it would loosen up. It's not really doing much and my range of motion is a bit limited. I know, however, this is all muscular because it hurts in the muscles, not the joint.
I tend to carry my stress in my shoulders. I have a lot of things health wise to be stressed about. I'm starting a new diabetes medication tomorrow morning. It's called Trulicity and it is supposed to help keep my appetite in check and help me lower my A1C. I simply can't push through this on will power alone. It's bringing up terrible memories from when I was a child and my parents were starving me because the worst thing I could be was fat. It's bringing up very old habits that are not good for me.
Sneak eating and binging followed by fasting is pretty much what I did as a kid. I didn't have the hallmark symptoms of anorexia but I had the behaviors. I wasn't afraid I was fat. I didn't think I was fat when I looked in the mirror. I was terrified that my access to food would be revoked because it was treated as a privilege that I had to earn. There's a lot more horror to this particular story but I'm not going to put it down here because I don't want to trigger anyone else who is recovered or struggling with an eating disorder.
I have been psychologically struggling for several months now. It's been particularly brutal when I realized I was falling back into sneak eating. No one was going to beat me for having a healthy meal. No one was going to slap food out of my hand and call me a thief. I have times where I dissociate and stare at our pantry with deep despair. So, my butt is starting therapy again. I have to process this abuse and somehow make my peace with it.
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