Of course it's a bad brain day, it's raining.

 Multiple studies show that people who have bipolar disorder have problems with changes in the weather. Extreme shifts in the weather can bring on manic or depressive episodes. Minor shifts in the weather can effect the sensitive and bring on hypomania or mild depression. When it's raining, snowing, or just really cloudy, I get into a low mood. Throw on top of that the fact that I am in a low mood makes me more prone to having flashbacks (thanks ptsd) and it makes for a shitty day.

I just want to cry. But I can't because if I do that makes me 'weak' and subhuman, as per how I was raised. Now, that doesn't make other people weak or subhuman, just li'l ol' me. I've been having emotional flashbacks to being called a useless waste of flesh and a pathetic excuse for a human being during depressive episodes in the past. The verbal abuse heaped upon me by my parents when I was depressed was atrocious. And they didn't think/believe I was depressed. They were of the opinion that I was seeking attention and/or lazy.

Loki dropped a truth bomb last night as I was cuddling with Beloved and feeling bad. I've been having trouble wrapping my head around it. That truth bomb was that I've always had bipolar disorder. I was living with it untreated for about 32 years because I thought everyone had this happen. I was living with it untreated because I thought that it was my trauma that was the primary problem and the depression was symptomatic of that. I was living with it untreated because I never had the opportunity for legitimate care when I was a child.

I guess my bad brain day started with running out of spoons the day before trying to get everything done around here. Put that together with the exhausted fall out from being social on Sunday and a day of low spoons and high anxiety on Monday, the week has sucked. I haven't slept well in almost a month. It has me starting the day at a spoon deficit. I was literally stumbling over my feet after I woke up and almost face planted into the doorway, again.

I'm just past the middle of my day and I have absolutely zero chores done and only part of my morning routine complete. At least I remembered to take my medications as I needed. But, I'm not doing well. I'm really, really sad that I never got the help I needed because my fucking parents decided I was a drama queen.