Health issues suck, especially brain related ones.

 Leading off the post with some fun news. I got a haircut and now can finally pull of the fauxhawk that I've always wanted to wear with out fear of parental retribution. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror as I was wandering the store and felt pretty damn good about the androgynous quality of the look. I feel like it gives me a lot more flexibility in my wardrobe and style options. It also takes my white hair and turns it into a feature instead of an 'oh goddamn it, I'm getting old' look like when I had shoulder length hair.

I've completely changed my wardrobe around. I still have color but the primary feature is black because I've always wanted to wear goth styles. Again, I didn't do it because of fear of parental retribution. Shortly after I got home after getting errands done and such, yesterday, I could almost hear my father scornfully saying that I looked like a 'bull dyke.' This has been his position on women with haircuts like this and his opinion of people who don't dress 'normally' is that we're all freaks and on the 'outside' of society.

The collar is where he'd really lose it. But I have hit a point in my life where wearing this thing is a comfort item. It helps calm my anxiety and increases my sense of safety. It's why I have two now. Beloved spoiled me and purchased that one I'm wearing that incorporated my favorite color with my goth aesthetic. Mom would lose her crap over the septum ring, regardless of the fact that it is a faux one. She repeatedly threatened me that if I had gotten my nose pierced that she'd rip it out. So, it took me a long while before I felt safe enough to even wear a faux one.

One may wonder why I'm bringing this stuff up. Well, my brain hasn't been that great over the last two months. I've been having problems sleeping. Then I put my back out picking up a damn scrap of paper. The same day, I had an epic fight with my eldest son, who said some stuff that seriously triggered my c-ptsd. That was three weeks ago. My sleep problems have gotten worse and I've been pretty regularly having emotional and vivid flashbacks where I just sit and stare but I'm not here.

All of this stuff is making it hard to write or do much of anything. I'm working with my doctor to get a better handle on the c-ptsd stuff. He's got a plan and I'm hoping it works. He thinks that if we can get the c-ptsd symptoms under control, my sleep will settle back into a correct cycle. And maybe, just maybe, I can get stuff done again. I just want this shit out of my head. I've been journaling but it's not going so great. But, my brain's decided that it's safe enough for me to do what I've wanted to and it's time for me to start processing things. We just have to get the flashbacks under control so I can do that more effectively.