I am exhausted because I haven't been sleeping well. I keep waking up at 2am and then I have to take melatonin to get back to sleep. Most of the time, I wake up at 5am when my alarm is set for 5:45. I just am frustrated because being tired makes my brain run slower. I don't do so great in the brain department anyways because of the bipolar and the ptsd. So any detriment becomes a real hinderance.
So, I'm sitting here with two pots of coffee in me, blinking owlishly as I try to update my blogs. I'm behind schedule but getting things done. I started working on my writing tasks at 7:30 instead of the scheduled 9am just because I had so much to get done. I've rebooted my therapy writing and I'm seriously considering taking some of that to digital. I've been keeping a time-log to check on how I'm doing about this whole 'losing time' thing.
It's creepy as fuck. I go through the whole day doing stuff and when I get to the end of the day, I can't remember about half of what I did. It's just as bad as when I have a conversation with someone and they are referencing something I said that I have zero recollection of saying. I still feel like my sense of self has some serious fault lines in it and I can't tell if they're getting worse or not.
I've suspected for a long time that there might be more than one 'me' in my head. When things got bad as a kid, I dissociated and let another part of myself handle the shit that went down. Now, I am safe but those different parts of me are still vocal. I'm not literally hallucinating but it's like having a random thought that doesn't belong to you go through your head. I've had therapists question this and suggest that I am just interpreting things wrong because I'm not dressing in different clothes, making rapid hairstyle changes, or doing things like switching from needing glasses to not needing glasses.
I'm sorry, but if you grow up in a household where mental illness is cause for a beating, you learn to stuff as much of that shit into a box and don't talk about it. The shifts that happen between these parts of me are subtle. But they're starting to happen again because of the long term stress of Covid-19 and the isolation of being in my home 98% of the time to avoid getting it. So, I've started that journaling exercise that the one therapist who found what I described curious and it basically doubles my time for journal work.
Blog posting is supposed to take an hour but because of other factors, I'm now a half hour into my book work time for the day. I just keep having little things come up to put me off schedule despite the fact I started early and I am getting frustrated. My hormones being all over the place doesn't help matters any. I just want to get stuff done so I can move on to other things, more pleasant things. But each task I complete, it seems like three more pop up that need done.
I'm going to try to blog on this one more frequently. I'm going to try to be more social on social media. I need to interact with people. It's part of the reason why I am doing tarot readings on Keen again. It's because I need to talk to people. It's like exposure therapy for social phobia from my own home. The social phobia has gotten pretty bad and has been running the show for the last few months. It's why on social media I have practically zero activity going on. So, I'm trying to force myself to be active. And I'm terrified to do it.
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