I've been so busy with stuff with the kids that I have fallen behind on everything. I am beyond exasperated with it all. The good part is that we finished the school year strong on the distance learning. The less good part is that we're continuing the distance learning for summer school purposes. The most exasperating part of all of this is the fact that the kids are at two entirely different educational levels and need entirely different support structures. The necessity for rapid switching between the two levels and different learning support needed is exhausting and leaves me feeling depressed and incompetent.
I'm now on a higher dose of one of my anti-anxiety medications and that's been a big help with things like being afraid to go outside because of Covid-19. I am still in many ways housebound due to the risk posed to me by the virus. For the first time in months, I took the car and brought my youngest son out for a dental appointment. For something so routine, I was still somewhat anxious. It wasn't anxiety to the point that I couldn't do it, but it was there at the back of my mind.
It was surreal and yet reassuring to see them kitted up like they were ready for surgery. My youngest child commented on how the dentist's office now looked like a hospital. We were met at the door by staff who took our temperature and asked us some routine questions. We wore masks in and out of the office. I decided that it would be easiest for everyone to schedule Snuggle Bug's next appointment by phone. I left with a complimentary pen. The complimentary pens were a marketing ploy, now they're being deployed as disposable writing implements for things to get signed. I figured that was a smart move on the office's part considering that no one was typically taking the pens to begin with. I'm pretty sure they have a crate of them sitting in some back corner closet.
There's been some passive-aggressive fuckery of late from some folks off line that I can't avoid. It's a slow burn, but it is making me angry. The most recent came in the form of "helpful commentary" that was thinly disguised bitching about what I had done. I kept a blank face and my responses to "I'll take that under advisement." or "I hadn't considered that, I see your point." The speaker was oblivious to the subtext of it all and couldn't read my response. The person who knew me best in the room was astounded by the fact that I pulled that off. I replied that it was easy because the speaker started out with a phrase and repeatedly used the word "critique" which triggers a blank external response and cold analysis of what ever was being said due to growing up with "critiques" that were abusive bullshit and backhanded comments. I even managed a pleasant tone with my null responses.
So, now I have to decide how I'm going to handle it. Someone who "critiques" my work and isn't a professional in the arena that they're giving their opinion on isn't getting any consideration. I learned long ago that being a critic is a profession and it's more than just giving opinion. It is detailed analysis of a work with notes on the strengths and weaknesses. If the critic is mentoring the person whose work they're critiquing they will follow up with how to improve the weaknesses and avoid the holes in the plot. If you're not a professional chef, for example, don't critique my cooking unless you can follow the format of analysis, strength, weakness, and how to improve. Otherwise, it's just a damn opinion. And opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one.
But, going forward, I am going to be dealing with the passive aggressive crap more. I've a problem with passive aggressive behavior. It triggers a great deal of anger. It makes me want to break someone's face when they baby-talk my autistic children because they assume that the boys can't comprehend what they're saying. It makes me want to get into the face and scream at the person who bitches about me or my family with backhanded comments. This kind of shit is the reason why I don't talk to some people who were significant in my youth anymore.
And word gets back to me how they decided that I must have felt that I was better than them. That's patently bullshit designed to make me feel guilty and go back with a penitent heart. All I did was walk away. I did it for my health, safety, and the well being of my family. If you think that it means that I think I'm better than you, well, maybe I am better than you because I wouldn't have said that shit about you after you walked away.
So, yeah, the last month has sucked. I'm angry. I'm overheated because of the relentless heat and humidity. And I feel like I'm a failure because I am making zero progress on any of my own projects.
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