Yesterday, my Mother-In-Law visited. She brought over a big box of blocks for the boy's first birthday (they were out of town the day of the party) and a bag of stuff for me. She was just as excited over what she brought me as she was over what she brought the baby. So, of course, I had to open it up. Inside I found that she had brought over more wool for me to spin and two absolutely beautiful small hand-spindles. There also was a book on spinning and knitting with handspun fiber.
She showed me how to card the white corriedale wool she brought me. She then showed me how to use the bottom whorl drop spindle. I've been learning on a top whorl drop spindle that is heavier then both of these little beauties put together. I've learned something important. The smaller the spindle, the faster it spins and the finer you can spin your fiber. I've also learned that bottom whorl drop spindles are difficult to start and a little more labor intensive then the top whorl version.
That said, I'm going to put in a good amount of effort to learn how to use both of these, as the faster these things spin the more challenging it is to get nice smooth yarn from them. I'm delighted to say that with some of my first efforts, I've managed to make well... thread with this. It gives me great hope that I'll eventually be making my own embroidery floss with this! It's not as smooth as what I was doing on the larger top whorl spindle, but it's still quite thrilling. I've spun a bit on each of my new spindles. I'm debating using the larger spindle to ply (twist together) the material. I think it is strong enough to hold the larger spindle's weight.
And I have to say, Corriedale wool is so increidlby soft! It'll make some very, very nice little clothes for the boy. I'm thinking I may use some of my handspun wool to make a pair of booties for my cousin's little girl who'll be born early next year. I'm absolutely delighted with the progress I'm making learning how to do this stuff, in case you can't tell.
I've also set to work on a lovely surprise for my Father. Each time I learned to do something new with handcrafts, I'd been giving samples of it to my Mother. I've decided that this year, I'm going to give Dad a scarf made from the wool that I've spun. I may not have enough to make it entirely from this, but it's alright because I know that even if there's just a panel of a scarf made with it, it'll be appreciated and a pleasant surprise.
The other fiber arts related challenge I'm facing right now is trying to figure out how to use this Knifty Knitter that I bought almost a month ago. My plan is to use it to make hats and scarves for each of my neices. I'm thinking this will be a fun project to work on and it goes incredibly fast. I've made two hats already, though they're not quite the size I needed them to be. I'm going to buy some commercially made yarn for that to accent the blue that I have kicking around from the sweater project that never happened.
Next year, I'll make my husband his knitted sweater. I just haven't gotten enough of this stuff figured out how to do it yet. I think by this time next year, I'll be most of the way done with a sweater for him and possibly even a few other projects too!
Edited to Add: I'll try to post up in the next few weeks some pictures of me spinning, what I've got to work with, and what I've made so far!
roses
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
A little more politics.
So, I made the mistake of watching the first of the Presidential Debates last night. Before I launch into my rant on the substance of that debacle, I've got to first say one thing:
Why the hell do they call it a debate?
I understand that they could claim the two candidates 'debated' the issues brought up but I highly doubt that you can honestly say it was a real debate. It was closer to two children standing out in the street screaming about who's daddy is bigger then two grown men engaging in a debate regarding important issues facing the nation today. And the claims that this was a 'very polite' debate? Those were just as laughable as the concept that this was supposed to be a debate. I'm sorry but polite does not mean interrupting or speaking over the person you're having a discussion with. It doesn't mean being condescending or patronizing to the other person either. And it doesn't mean lobbing veiled insults either. Unfortunately, both of the candidates engaged in that, which just served to lower my opinion of them. I had hoped that both of these respected politicians would engage in civil discourse on the matters that were presented. They failed, however, and have only served to prove that politicians are opportunistic slugs and ego maniacs.
Now, on to the stuff that came spewing out the mouths of these fine men. For the most part, I found it irritating that neither candidate really put any effort into answering the questions posited. Barack Obama did attempt to answer one, but he gave a very... poor answer. If you're going to say that you can't comment on a bill that doesn't exist or that you haven't reviewed, then just say it that directly. Don't beat around the bush and try to mangle the answer into some mismash of rhetoric and your philosophical musings. It's irritating and intellectually dishonest. The American people are not populated with a pack of dimwits (please, Goddess, be kind and let that be true).
It was repulsive how much time each candidate spend posturing and holding forth on how unqualified the other was. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe we'd get to hear the answers to the questions asked and that we'd see a real debate. Instead, we saw them using their few minutes apeice on a given topic to pose and poke at each other. It almost makes me think they don't know what a debate is. Now, I will say, John McCain did seem to go out of his way to initiate the verbal attacks but he didn't exactly appear to desire to answer the questions.
It was actually rather laughable how neither man seemed to have any answers as to how they'd adjust their plans for spending in the wake of what ever bail out package is passed. It's also rather disappointing to see them jump right into back biting, bickering, and general bitching as to who is going to waste more money. It wasn't addressing how they planned to save money during their future administration but how the other guy was going to spend it during his future administration! Yeah, I wasn't impressed in the least with that bullshit. I pretty much did my best to ignore the debate when it got really full of that kind of blustering.
My attention got ripped away back to it, however, when McCain was implying that it may be necessary to engage in military action with Iran. I felt a little ill when that started. I just felt increasingly in shock and horror as this line of talk expanded between both of the candidates. I think the thing that just left me in absolute disgust and briefly unable to speak was when Obama said that military action should be engaged with Pakistan.
I'm sorry, but the man who's campaign has been centered around the fact that he voted against the Iraq war has just made an absolute hypocrite of himself beyond repair. I was going to vote for him until he started talking about continuing the Bush Doctrine and spreading the war in Afghanistan into Pakistan. I'm sorry, last I checked Pakistan was a soverign nation and an ally of the United States! Once I heard those words out of his mouth, quite frankly, I realized that he's no different then McCain, Bush, or anyone else in the national government right now.
They all want to be petty dictators under the guise of being freely elected Presidents. Why has the petty dictatorships around the world been tolerated by the USA? Because we want to be just like them! Why else have things like the Patriot Act been passed? It's not for national security! It's to turn the free citizens of the United States in to subjects!
I haven't the words for how disgusted and horrified I am by both of these candidates. Sure, they may say that they weren't advocating continuing these wars abroad, but they sure as hell were making that loud and clear. Nothing can wash away the stain on the hands of these men. They have acted in collusion with the sitting President of the United States, as have damn near, if not everyone in Congress and the Justice Department, to engage in treason and high crimes against the United States of America.
Forget the war on terror, people, we've got a hell of alot more fish to fry and they're alot bigger then Osama Bin Laden!
Why the hell do they call it a debate?
I understand that they could claim the two candidates 'debated' the issues brought up but I highly doubt that you can honestly say it was a real debate. It was closer to two children standing out in the street screaming about who's daddy is bigger then two grown men engaging in a debate regarding important issues facing the nation today. And the claims that this was a 'very polite' debate? Those were just as laughable as the concept that this was supposed to be a debate. I'm sorry but polite does not mean interrupting or speaking over the person you're having a discussion with. It doesn't mean being condescending or patronizing to the other person either. And it doesn't mean lobbing veiled insults either. Unfortunately, both of the candidates engaged in that, which just served to lower my opinion of them. I had hoped that both of these respected politicians would engage in civil discourse on the matters that were presented. They failed, however, and have only served to prove that politicians are opportunistic slugs and ego maniacs.
Now, on to the stuff that came spewing out the mouths of these fine men. For the most part, I found it irritating that neither candidate really put any effort into answering the questions posited. Barack Obama did attempt to answer one, but he gave a very... poor answer. If you're going to say that you can't comment on a bill that doesn't exist or that you haven't reviewed, then just say it that directly. Don't beat around the bush and try to mangle the answer into some mismash of rhetoric and your philosophical musings. It's irritating and intellectually dishonest. The American people are not populated with a pack of dimwits (please, Goddess, be kind and let that be true).
It was repulsive how much time each candidate spend posturing and holding forth on how unqualified the other was. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe we'd get to hear the answers to the questions asked and that we'd see a real debate. Instead, we saw them using their few minutes apeice on a given topic to pose and poke at each other. It almost makes me think they don't know what a debate is. Now, I will say, John McCain did seem to go out of his way to initiate the verbal attacks but he didn't exactly appear to desire to answer the questions.
It was actually rather laughable how neither man seemed to have any answers as to how they'd adjust their plans for spending in the wake of what ever bail out package is passed. It's also rather disappointing to see them jump right into back biting, bickering, and general bitching as to who is going to waste more money. It wasn't addressing how they planned to save money during their future administration but how the other guy was going to spend it during his future administration! Yeah, I wasn't impressed in the least with that bullshit. I pretty much did my best to ignore the debate when it got really full of that kind of blustering.
My attention got ripped away back to it, however, when McCain was implying that it may be necessary to engage in military action with Iran. I felt a little ill when that started. I just felt increasingly in shock and horror as this line of talk expanded between both of the candidates. I think the thing that just left me in absolute disgust and briefly unable to speak was when Obama said that military action should be engaged with Pakistan.
I'm sorry, but the man who's campaign has been centered around the fact that he voted against the Iraq war has just made an absolute hypocrite of himself beyond repair. I was going to vote for him until he started talking about continuing the Bush Doctrine and spreading the war in Afghanistan into Pakistan. I'm sorry, last I checked Pakistan was a soverign nation and an ally of the United States! Once I heard those words out of his mouth, quite frankly, I realized that he's no different then McCain, Bush, or anyone else in the national government right now.
They all want to be petty dictators under the guise of being freely elected Presidents. Why has the petty dictatorships around the world been tolerated by the USA? Because we want to be just like them! Why else have things like the Patriot Act been passed? It's not for national security! It's to turn the free citizens of the United States in to subjects!
I haven't the words for how disgusted and horrified I am by both of these candidates. Sure, they may say that they weren't advocating continuing these wars abroad, but they sure as hell were making that loud and clear. Nothing can wash away the stain on the hands of these men. They have acted in collusion with the sitting President of the United States, as have damn near, if not everyone in Congress and the Justice Department, to engage in treason and high crimes against the United States of America.
Forget the war on terror, people, we've got a hell of alot more fish to fry and they're alot bigger then Osama Bin Laden!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Struggling.
Yeah, I guess that's the word for it right now. I finally cried. That was last night.
I'm torn between deep anger at how the doctors blew off Rose's concerns and those of her husband and just ... wordlessly deep grief.
So many years of friendship on this green earth that were waiting are gone.
Making up for missing the wedding by throwing the baby shower... that'll never happen now.
So many other things that I had hoped for and looked forward to seeing, like going to the big 50th wedding anniversary party for them...
It hurts to realize just how many things you hoped to see and it may hurt as much as realizing how much you didn't say because you got in your own way.
I'm torn between deep anger at how the doctors blew off Rose's concerns and those of her husband and just ... wordlessly deep grief.
So many years of friendship on this green earth that were waiting are gone.
Making up for missing the wedding by throwing the baby shower... that'll never happen now.
So many other things that I had hoped for and looked forward to seeing, like going to the big 50th wedding anniversary party for them...
It hurts to realize just how many things you hoped to see and it may hurt as much as realizing how much you didn't say because you got in your own way.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I'm officially disturbed by this.
If you had seen these on the Today show, you probably were wondering 'what the hell?' or something else along those lines.
Yeah, this is yoinked from the web and this is the news article it is from. Don't anyone jump down my throat for not attributing this, because the link back *is* my giving credit where it is due. I also must warn that I am about to launch into a vulgarity laden rant about this concept.
Now, maybe it is just me, but I think there is something very wrong with trying to dress small children like adults, specifically when one takes clothing designs intended to make the wearer sexually appealing and translate it into supposedly 'kid-friendly' fashions. These idiotic high heels for infants (oh, and they're not meant for walking, as the heel collapses with weight applied) are but the latest wave in a trend that has included (among other horrors) string bikinis for toddlers, bikini waxing for 8 year old girls, and making teen and pre-teen girls dress like either cheap prostitutes or poorly paid porn stars (Don't believe me? Click here and here for examples. There's alot more out there on the web!).
Look, I don't have a problem with kids wanting to get dressed up and look kinda like the adults around them. There's nothing wrong with that. It's fairly natural. Children want to imitate the adults around them as imitation is part of learning about how to be an adult. But I've got a huge problem with:
- Turning children into sex objects: Dressing little kids in 'sexy' fashions is just that. It's the visual version of pimping your children out to pedophiles. This makes them more of a target!
- Borderline sexual abuse for the sake of conventional fashion wisdom: Most 8 yr old have no pubic hair! Waxing is applying hot wax to the skin, putting pelin papers on the wax, and ripping the paper and hair off after the wax has cooled. The bikini area is very sensitive and it willfor the first time. Now, it may sound like I'm biased here and I may be talking out my ass, but I'm not. It hurt like a bitch when I had my legs waxed for the first time last summer. I didn't have a bikini wax, I don't think I'm ever going to because I know how sensitive that region of my body is and I know it'll hurt worse then having my legs waxed.
- Encouraging the negative self-esteem issues with these treatments: Look, people, acne happens. It's actually a fairly natural part of puberty. Hormones change your body chemistry and it's reflected in all sorts of ways, including an increase in acne. Children do not need dermabrasion to reveal youthful looking skin underneath. Dermabrasion is using a fine grit paste to scrape layers of skin off your face! Most adults do it to try to get down to the layers of skin that have more moisture in them and thus look younger. Taking those top layers of skin off removes part of a protective barrier between you and the rest of the world. It can make acne worse. If done too much, it will damage your skin. What the hell are you doing to your kids if you teach them:
* Your skin is not attractive the way it is because you have acne.
* Acne, blemishes, and large pores are ugly and need corrected.
* Your skin is not attractive because it is too dry/oily.
* Your skin is not attractive because it is not tanned.
* Your face is not attractive because it is not evenly toned.
* Your face is not attractive the way it is because your eyebrows are not perfect.
I see a pattern emerging here, do you?
You tell your kids that their face/figure/hair color/teeth are not attractive, you are telling them that they are ugly. You are telling them that they are not deserving of affection and that they are not going to be accepted. Seriously, it makes me sick to my stomach to see this as a growing cultural trend and it's got to stop. I don't know what the hell you people are thinking. It's one thing to say, "Honey, that's not your most flattering look. Try this color blouse instead, it will do a better job of bringing out XYZ feature that you were trying for with this." or "Sweetheart, you really need to wash your face more often because it'll keep it healthier."
But to tell teach them to hate things about themselves that they can not change at such a young age? That's beyond vile. I haven't the words to express my disgust and contempt for parents who treat their children like that. You are abusing your children. Oh, you may not be hitting them or hurting them in some physical fashion. But you are hurting them psychologically and emotionally, and that is wrong. Just because you don't like the color of their hair, the fact that they get acne, or even the color of their eyes, doesn't give you grounds to be critical about it. And that's what this is. It makes you no better then the other kids at school who harass them. It actually makes you worse because your children trust you and expect you not to engage in this kind of behavior.
Now, there are some things that are a bit of a rite of passage. Teaching the teenage girl how to apply make up (if she's interested), explaining to her the basics of feminine hygiene, and how to put together outfits that are flattering to her appearance is a basic part of growing up which is needed for the girl to transition into womanhood. Teaching the teenage boy how to dress in a fashion which is flattering to his appearance and the basics of masculine hygiene are also a basic part of growing up for a boy and helps him to transition into manhood. But this is obscene.
Yes, teach your teen how to take care of their skin. Teach your teen how to dress in a way that plays up the features they believe are their best. Teach them how to cope with the hormonal changes and physical changes that comes with puberty. Don't engage in this soul destroying bullshit that's so popular with the 'in crowd' right now.
We're adults. We're supposed to be beyond this high-school bullshit. Participating in putting our children thru it is reprehensible and each adult and parent who participates should be deeply ashamed of themselves. It's our job to teach them how to value themselves because of their intrinsic value. When self-esteem becomes focused upon external things, the person in question is hurt and will continue to be hurt as life sweeps things away.
Don't do that to your kids, for the love of anything sacred, for the love of your children.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
A little politics.
So, who else out there in the Interwebz has seen this? You may have even heard it in the news today. Apparently, our fearless leader (or as some folks have called him the Prezitator) approved an act of war towards one of our allies and attempted to keep it hush-hush. Oh, wait, that's what sending special forces troops across the border of another soverign nation to engage in sorties with a force that's been engaging you in the area where you're conducting a war, Mr. President?
Please, tell me what the hell it is then? Because, even a country hick like myself can tell you that such things isn't anything even remotely like good international relations. And I don't know a damn thing about foregin politics or anything else like that. And you know what makes this even better, it casts some real doubt on those denials by the President and everybody else in the Executive Branch of our government's that there was any incursions across the Iraq-Iran border.
Seriously, I'm convinced the only reason why Pakistan hasn't declared war on the USA is because they are too strapped for the cash and resources to do so. Maybe it's just me, but this kinda shit is insane. It's just made all the more vulgar and disgusting with it being hilighted today, on the anniversary date of the terrorist attacks. Why? Well, it's fairly simple:
It appears to justify those attacks in the eyes of people around the world who have some kind of an argument with the USA.
But, who cares about that? Right? After all, he's a Lame Duck President and he can't do shit about shit, right?
If you truly believe the above statement, I've got a bridge to sell you.
As the President continues this bullshit, it's clear that he needs to be impeached. In my opinion, I would also argue that he and the other decision makers at the top level of the Executive Branch of the government of the United States of America should additionally be tried for treason. After all, he has actively worked to deprive us of our rights to due process, our freedom of speech, and several other basic rights that are vital to the health and continued wellbeing of this nation.
Please, tell me what the hell it is then? Because, even a country hick like myself can tell you that such things isn't anything even remotely like good international relations. And I don't know a damn thing about foregin politics or anything else like that. And you know what makes this even better, it casts some real doubt on those denials by the President and everybody else in the Executive Branch of our government's that there was any incursions across the Iraq-Iran border.
Seriously, I'm convinced the only reason why Pakistan hasn't declared war on the USA is because they are too strapped for the cash and resources to do so. Maybe it's just me, but this kinda shit is insane. It's just made all the more vulgar and disgusting with it being hilighted today, on the anniversary date of the terrorist attacks. Why? Well, it's fairly simple:
It appears to justify those attacks in the eyes of people around the world who have some kind of an argument with the USA.
But, who cares about that? Right? After all, he's a Lame Duck President and he can't do shit about shit, right?
If you truly believe the above statement, I've got a bridge to sell you.
As the President continues this bullshit, it's clear that he needs to be impeached. In my opinion, I would also argue that he and the other decision makers at the top level of the Executive Branch of the government of the United States of America should additionally be tried for treason. After all, he has actively worked to deprive us of our rights to due process, our freedom of speech, and several other basic rights that are vital to the health and continued wellbeing of this nation.
Thoughts.
Rose is dead. She died in her sleep night before last. It pains me to think of it because I'm not feeling like my heart has been torn from my chest. Stargazer suggested to me when we talked on the phone yesterday that perhaps it's just a matter of being in shock. I honestly don't know.
It's so hard to remember that she's dead. I keep thinking that I've got this or that e-mail to send her, X fabric to show her, and such.
And then, we have the fanfare and ritualized/staged national mourning of '9/11'. I've had the TV off all day and the radio too. I just didn't want to listen to any of it. It makes me sick to see it.
It doesn't feel like it's been 7 years.
At the same time, I can't help but feel horror and disgust at the fact that we're engaged in military action in Iraq. Those people had nothing to do with the events on that day aside from the fact that they claim to practice the same religion. Even that is subject to debate.
It troubles me even more when I know that publicly voicing these opinions off of the internet would earn me a rather unpleasant set of circumstances.
It's so hard to remember that she's dead. I keep thinking that I've got this or that e-mail to send her, X fabric to show her, and such.
And then, we have the fanfare and ritualized/staged national mourning of '9/11'. I've had the TV off all day and the radio too. I just didn't want to listen to any of it. It makes me sick to see it.
It doesn't feel like it's been 7 years.
At the same time, I can't help but feel horror and disgust at the fact that we're engaged in military action in Iraq. Those people had nothing to do with the events on that day aside from the fact that they claim to practice the same religion. Even that is subject to debate.
It troubles me even more when I know that publicly voicing these opinions off of the internet would earn me a rather unpleasant set of circumstances.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Update
Hey there!
The last few weeks have been busy and rather exhausting. The boy's first birthday party went fantastically well. We really lucked out on the weather. It was a beautiful day (though a tad too humid for my comfort) and nearly everybody made it to the party. It was a really fantastic surprise to have our friends from Buffalo drive out for the party.
Those of you who happen to read my blog here that made it to the party, THANK YOU!! I will be posting pictures up here soon. As I don't know how to get them off of the camera, that'll be done by my dear and darling husband in the immediate future. (The memory card is getting full, so he can't really procrastinate now!)
The boy is getting bigger everyday it seems. He's decided that he wants to crawl now. Those little hands slap incredibly fast on the floor when he decides that he wants to scurry across the room to get into mischief. We also seem to be going thru more laundry of late, but it could be that it's due to my son putting in extra effort on feeding himself. We've graduated to sippy-cups, but we're now back to bottles.
Apparently, bottles are much easier when teeth are trying to come in. The little man is now in his "big kid" car seat. It makes getting ready to drive some where *so* much easier. As a result of this, he now sits in the seat of the shopping carts and it's been an interesting time when we go to the grocery store. He is starting to discover that if he reaches out, some times he can actually reach the items on the shelves. He is also discovering that Momma doesn't put up with that either.
I suppose it's been almost a week now... I'm not entirely sure. He has been just eating like crazy. I think it's because he's going thru a growth spurt. Fortunately, however, he has not been half as cranky as he was a few days before his birthday. Nap times and keeping him on schedual, however, has not gone that well. The birthday party and visiting family have combined to completely throw off the daily schedual. So, the next little while is going to be interesting.
I think I'm going to change things a little bit while I get him back on a schedual. I think I'll be changing when we get up. I've been waking up at about 6:30 am again on an almost daily basis of late. I think I'll just accept this fact and start getting the boy up at about 7:00. It may make the morning routine a little easier. And, who knows, maybe he will actually cooperate and take his nap at naptime. I'd add more right now but it's time for lunch.
The last few weeks have been busy and rather exhausting. The boy's first birthday party went fantastically well. We really lucked out on the weather. It was a beautiful day (though a tad too humid for my comfort) and nearly everybody made it to the party. It was a really fantastic surprise to have our friends from Buffalo drive out for the party.
Those of you who happen to read my blog here that made it to the party, THANK YOU!! I will be posting pictures up here soon. As I don't know how to get them off of the camera, that'll be done by my dear and darling husband in the immediate future. (The memory card is getting full, so he can't really procrastinate now!)
The boy is getting bigger everyday it seems. He's decided that he wants to crawl now. Those little hands slap incredibly fast on the floor when he decides that he wants to scurry across the room to get into mischief. We also seem to be going thru more laundry of late, but it could be that it's due to my son putting in extra effort on feeding himself. We've graduated to sippy-cups, but we're now back to bottles.
Apparently, bottles are much easier when teeth are trying to come in. The little man is now in his "big kid" car seat. It makes getting ready to drive some where *so* much easier. As a result of this, he now sits in the seat of the shopping carts and it's been an interesting time when we go to the grocery store. He is starting to discover that if he reaches out, some times he can actually reach the items on the shelves. He is also discovering that Momma doesn't put up with that either.
I suppose it's been almost a week now... I'm not entirely sure. He has been just eating like crazy. I think it's because he's going thru a growth spurt. Fortunately, however, he has not been half as cranky as he was a few days before his birthday. Nap times and keeping him on schedual, however, has not gone that well. The birthday party and visiting family have combined to completely throw off the daily schedual. So, the next little while is going to be interesting.
I think I'm going to change things a little bit while I get him back on a schedual. I think I'll be changing when we get up. I've been waking up at about 6:30 am again on an almost daily basis of late. I think I'll just accept this fact and start getting the boy up at about 7:00. It may make the morning routine a little easier. And, who knows, maybe he will actually cooperate and take his nap at naptime. I'd add more right now but it's time for lunch.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Ah, the wisdom of children.
I'm sitting here with my son asleep on my lap (in his sling) saying that I'm thankful he's unconscious rather then screaming in my ear. (Teething is so much worse then it's presented as. Don't let *anybody* fool you!) So, I decided to sit here and read the news on CNN's website. At which point I saw this iReport article about a father taking his kids' XBox and nailing it to a tree because he was sick of their constant fighting and general bad behavior with this toy.
Reading the comments yeilded much hilarity. I think it was the comments from intamesalvag that did it for me. I have to say, it's really priceless how teens can claim that they know more about parenting children then the parents do. As a kid, I got ticked off when my parents got on my case for my attempt to make what I thought were intelligent comments in the conversation. Looking back on it now, I realize that my comments were intelligent but woefully lacking, to the extent where they had to be disregarded. What my comments as a kid lacked was a combination of a full comprehension of the situation and the type of knowledge that comes with experience.
I think I'm not going to necessarially snap at my child when he gets to the age where he thinks he can give adequate input on topics such as disciplining a child. I believe that I'm probably going to ask him to leave the conversation and then come back to him later and explain what his ideas were missing. I know that I hated the experience of being chastised and dismissed by my parents when I tried to get involved in the more 'grown up' discussions. I don't want my son to feel that he's being castigated. I think, however, that using the situation as an opportunity to teach him would be a good idea.
Sometimes, kids do have really great and innovative ideas that can lead to some interesting solutions to problems. They also need to learn how to navigate the territories of adulthood at *some* point in time. There's alot of stuff that can be learned in the safety of the home, where there is the support structure of family, and the greatest risks are generally to one's pride. Perhaps this is one of those things that can be brought up, explored, and taught to some extent before the child is out on their own in the world.
Reading the comments yeilded much hilarity. I think it was the comments from intamesalvag that did it for me. I have to say, it's really priceless how teens can claim that they know more about parenting children then the parents do. As a kid, I got ticked off when my parents got on my case for my attempt to make what I thought were intelligent comments in the conversation. Looking back on it now, I realize that my comments were intelligent but woefully lacking, to the extent where they had to be disregarded. What my comments as a kid lacked was a combination of a full comprehension of the situation and the type of knowledge that comes with experience.
I think I'm not going to necessarially snap at my child when he gets to the age where he thinks he can give adequate input on topics such as disciplining a child. I believe that I'm probably going to ask him to leave the conversation and then come back to him later and explain what his ideas were missing. I know that I hated the experience of being chastised and dismissed by my parents when I tried to get involved in the more 'grown up' discussions. I don't want my son to feel that he's being castigated. I think, however, that using the situation as an opportunity to teach him would be a good idea.
Sometimes, kids do have really great and innovative ideas that can lead to some interesting solutions to problems. They also need to learn how to navigate the territories of adulthood at *some* point in time. There's alot of stuff that can be learned in the safety of the home, where there is the support structure of family, and the greatest risks are generally to one's pride. Perhaps this is one of those things that can be brought up, explored, and taught to some extent before the child is out on their own in the world.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
i'm not happy.
right now, i feel out of the loop. i want to be involved in stuff going on in the game i'm a part of but i can't really because i now have a two and a half month gap. i can't seem to get the stuff for another game i want to be a part of figured out.
and i feel like i maybe should scrap stuff and start over again on all of that. i don't know. i feel so horribly disappointed because it seems like i'm always trying to get things taken care of, cleaned up, or something else done around here. sure, i've got small projects that i can throw a little time at but i feel guilty for it because so much else needs done.
i don't know what to do.
and i feel like i maybe should scrap stuff and start over again on all of that. i don't know. i feel so horribly disappointed because it seems like i'm always trying to get things taken care of, cleaned up, or something else done around here. sure, i've got small projects that i can throw a little time at but i feel guilty for it because so much else needs done.
i don't know what to do.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
I don't know what to do... (pt.2)
So, I suppose I should probably take a moment to state directly just what the hell is going on right now. Please bear with me as I engage in this rather rambling recap, I'm dealing with alot of emotions here and I'm half distracted by keeping an eye on my son as he is eating his breakfast.
About six years ago, my youngest brother got married. It was a small, quick wedding. I was the only person from my side of the family that got invited. I essentially guilted him into telling my parents about it, mind I had never even met the girl. No one in the family had met her. It made things tense between him and my parents for a little while. He told her some fairly terrible stories about my family, which really didn't help things much. Some of these stories were true and others he were exaggerated or out right lied about. Myself being one of the people he lied about to his new bride for a while before she and I met.
I kinda wonder if my insisting that he let our parents (at least) know that he was getting married (which he did the night before the wedding) is part of the reason why there's problems between him and I. I honestly don't know because there's been a strange gulf between him and I for years now. So, he joins the military. His wife has a tough time of it at first, but it's pretty clear that it's due to some communication problems. This, however, becomes even more of a problem as time goes on. He gets back on leave and he spends his time at my parent's house rather then at his in-laws house, where his wife and children are living. She's rather obviously hurt by this blatent rejection by her husband. It's not pretty.
She tries to forgive him this but he then does things like call our mom rather then his wife when he's got time to make phone calls while he's on his tour. Financially, it's a mess too. He just wants to spend 'his' money like he wants, no real regard for things like buying diapers for the kids back home. It reduces his wife to essentially begging family (hers and ours) for finaicial support for herself and the kids. This sets the tone for the rest of the relationship up to today's point in time.
And, yes, that includes the year and a half he was out of the military. During that time, he spent money willinilli and lived in our parent's house rather then with his wife and children at his in-laws or getting them an apartment or a house of their own.
So, he joins the Army Reserves. Mom goes into a coniption fit and immediately starts to panic that her baby is going to die on some foregin battlefield somewhere. We've been all doing our best to ignore this ongoing fit, as the rest of us accepted it was part of the risk for a while now. Mom's still having difficulty with it and is on the verge of yet more of a fit over his serious talk of joining the Army full-time. It appears fairly clear to my husband and I that my brother is doing this to avoid being an active part of the life of his wife and children.
...
I can't do this. I can't just describe this. My words don't do justice to the magnitude of injury that has been done emotionally to my brother's wife. I can't find enough to say for how confused my brother is...
My brother has created a horrible mess. His wife feels that he doesn't trust her. She's convinced that he wants a divorce but won't do it because:
...
It's just... It's just ugly. And in all of it, I feel like my heart is getting torn to peices. I love these people, I don't want to let the go out of my life. In their own strange ways, I know that they love me. If they didn't my brothers wouldn't have shown up when I had that appendictomy back when I was pregnant with my son. My youngest brother wouldn't have driven up from the base where he was stationed for a day and a half with out sleep to try to get to my wedding.
They seem so damn intent on hurting each other and destroying their lives, however, that it's just ... it's breaking my heart and leaving me with the terrible feeling that I'm going to have no choice but to let them go. Though none of them area aware of how I feel about this situation or anything else. It's... It's hurting like hell for me and I'm realizing just how much emotional baggage I have surrounding my family... I don't know what to do because I can talk to them and hope they will listen to me or expect them not to listen and let them go.
About six years ago, my youngest brother got married. It was a small, quick wedding. I was the only person from my side of the family that got invited. I essentially guilted him into telling my parents about it, mind I had never even met the girl. No one in the family had met her. It made things tense between him and my parents for a little while. He told her some fairly terrible stories about my family, which really didn't help things much. Some of these stories were true and others he were exaggerated or out right lied about. Myself being one of the people he lied about to his new bride for a while before she and I met.
I kinda wonder if my insisting that he let our parents (at least) know that he was getting married (which he did the night before the wedding) is part of the reason why there's problems between him and I. I honestly don't know because there's been a strange gulf between him and I for years now. So, he joins the military. His wife has a tough time of it at first, but it's pretty clear that it's due to some communication problems. This, however, becomes even more of a problem as time goes on. He gets back on leave and he spends his time at my parent's house rather then at his in-laws house, where his wife and children are living. She's rather obviously hurt by this blatent rejection by her husband. It's not pretty.
She tries to forgive him this but he then does things like call our mom rather then his wife when he's got time to make phone calls while he's on his tour. Financially, it's a mess too. He just wants to spend 'his' money like he wants, no real regard for things like buying diapers for the kids back home. It reduces his wife to essentially begging family (hers and ours) for finaicial support for herself and the kids. This sets the tone for the rest of the relationship up to today's point in time.
And, yes, that includes the year and a half he was out of the military. During that time, he spent money willinilli and lived in our parent's house rather then with his wife and children at his in-laws or getting them an apartment or a house of their own.
So, he joins the Army Reserves. Mom goes into a coniption fit and immediately starts to panic that her baby is going to die on some foregin battlefield somewhere. We've been all doing our best to ignore this ongoing fit, as the rest of us accepted it was part of the risk for a while now. Mom's still having difficulty with it and is on the verge of yet more of a fit over his serious talk of joining the Army full-time. It appears fairly clear to my husband and I that my brother is doing this to avoid being an active part of the life of his wife and children.
...
I can't do this. I can't just describe this. My words don't do justice to the magnitude of injury that has been done emotionally to my brother's wife. I can't find enough to say for how confused my brother is...
My brother has created a horrible mess. His wife feels that he doesn't trust her. She's convinced that he wants a divorce but won't do it because:
- It's too much effort.
- He doesn't want to spend the money which can go twords his drinking, video games, or collection of anime.
- He doesn't want to have money taken from him to pay alimony.
...
It's just... It's just ugly. And in all of it, I feel like my heart is getting torn to peices. I love these people, I don't want to let the go out of my life. In their own strange ways, I know that they love me. If they didn't my brothers wouldn't have shown up when I had that appendictomy back when I was pregnant with my son. My youngest brother wouldn't have driven up from the base where he was stationed for a day and a half with out sleep to try to get to my wedding.
They seem so damn intent on hurting each other and destroying their lives, however, that it's just ... it's breaking my heart and leaving me with the terrible feeling that I'm going to have no choice but to let them go. Though none of them area aware of how I feel about this situation or anything else. It's... It's hurting like hell for me and I'm realizing just how much emotional baggage I have surrounding my family... I don't know what to do because I can talk to them and hope they will listen to me or expect them not to listen and let them go.
I don't know what to do... (pt.1)
I had a nightmare last night that woke me up feeling like I got punched in the gut. I honestly expected to be crying when I woke up this morning. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I sit here and look at the situation and my heart is just breaking all to pieces. In the meantime, I feel that I should keep a smile on my face and act like I'm mystified by the entire mess going on in my side of the family.
My brother who is serving in the Army in Afghanistan joined the Army Reserve because he was having a tough time adjusting back to civilian life after he finished his tour with the Marines about two years ago. A year and a half after he was done being a Marine he signed up for the Army Reserves. He's talking about re-enlisting, this time in the Army. This fact by itself is kinda tragic and says something about the way we're treating our military service members when they get home at the end of their tour of duty.
I can't help it. I worry about him everyday. I try to live my life like everything is ok, but there's the fear that my youngest brother won't come home. He's half done with his deployment, if they don't extend it. I don't believe that he's going to come home on time because looking at the situation, I genuinely expect his outfit's deployment to be extended. I have his address via the military, I don't know if I should write him or not though. There's alot of stuff going on here around my brother that I'm hurt, angry, and deeply disappointed with him over. At the same time, he is my youngest brother and I love him deeply. It hurts and it... It has me feeling incredibly conflicted right now.
And then there is all of the other crap going on which just... I'm at a loss for words. It's the proverbial shitstorm that has resulted from my brother being an idiot. And I think that it's going to just break my side of the family apart. It's something that is painful as hell for me to think about. As I sit here writing, I look over at my son and see him playing with his piece of zweibeck toast. I ask myself, what is the right thing to do by him? I can't keep doing this on the basis of how I *feel* about the situation.
My heart, however, keeps making it's pain known as this proceeds. So, I do need to act with consideration to these emotions and how I view all of this mess. The really stupid thing is I am questioning what on earth I did wrong to cause this. Never mind the fact that the moral accountability test of the situation shows clearly that I have no form of responsibility here beyond my immediate response to the situation. It's root and origin lies in other people's decisions and actions.
My brother who is serving in the Army in Afghanistan joined the Army Reserve because he was having a tough time adjusting back to civilian life after he finished his tour with the Marines about two years ago. A year and a half after he was done being a Marine he signed up for the Army Reserves. He's talking about re-enlisting, this time in the Army. This fact by itself is kinda tragic and says something about the way we're treating our military service members when they get home at the end of their tour of duty.
I can't help it. I worry about him everyday. I try to live my life like everything is ok, but there's the fear that my youngest brother won't come home. He's half done with his deployment, if they don't extend it. I don't believe that he's going to come home on time because looking at the situation, I genuinely expect his outfit's deployment to be extended. I have his address via the military, I don't know if I should write him or not though. There's alot of stuff going on here around my brother that I'm hurt, angry, and deeply disappointed with him over. At the same time, he is my youngest brother and I love him deeply. It hurts and it... It has me feeling incredibly conflicted right now.
And then there is all of the other crap going on which just... I'm at a loss for words. It's the proverbial shitstorm that has resulted from my brother being an idiot. And I think that it's going to just break my side of the family apart. It's something that is painful as hell for me to think about. As I sit here writing, I look over at my son and see him playing with his piece of zweibeck toast. I ask myself, what is the right thing to do by him? I can't keep doing this on the basis of how I *feel* about the situation.
My heart, however, keeps making it's pain known as this proceeds. So, I do need to act with consideration to these emotions and how I view all of this mess. The really stupid thing is I am questioning what on earth I did wrong to cause this. Never mind the fact that the moral accountability test of the situation shows clearly that I have no form of responsibility here beyond my immediate response to the situation. It's root and origin lies in other people's decisions and actions.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Missing.
A dear friend of mine is in a terrible situation right now. Her mother has gone missing. If you are in Anne Arundel Co. MD and you happen to see this woman, please, for the love of everything holy let the authorities know!
Here's the news story about it from the Examiner.
Lady_Cinnibar, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. While there isn't much I can do for you from up here in western NY, please, call me as soon as you know anything. The time doesn't matter. *hugs*
Here's the news story about it from the Examiner.
Lady_Cinnibar, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. While there isn't much I can do for you from up here in western NY, please, call me as soon as you know anything. The time doesn't matter. *hugs*
from the interwebz comes my new band...
Your Debut Album
1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.
3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
Put it all together, that's your debut album.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
for mine...
Now, here's the question:
what kind of music would my band play?
1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Ra
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.ph
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.
3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesti
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
Put it all together, that's your debut album.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
for mine...
Japanese holdout ~ when we're in love
[click here for the pic, because I can't seem to make it show up here]
Now, here's the question:
what kind of music would my band play?
What! You don't have Starbucks!?!
I'm pretty sure that all y'all have read about the great Starbucks closures going on right now. As I read the list of locations that are being closed, I chuckled because the one that opened up in my hometown is closing. It's only been open for about a year and a half, and now it's gone. When they opened, my husband's sister was absolutely delighted. She felt that our little town was finally beginning to become something of a respectable place.
She's always been in love with the city. While I enjoyed the city when I was at college, I didn't want to stay there. She, however, would love to go back and live there. So, when our small town got a Starbucks, she was on cloud nine. This happened at about the same town that the eastern end of town started getting some of the stores that are more associated with the suburbs. For example, there's a Sears there and we've got Peebles too. It's a big difference from the small village shoe shop and the clothes store next door where if you wanted something different then what was in stock you had to order it out of a catalog.
Now, the influence of the city is starting to go away. The Starbucks is leaving. Some of the new stores are having difficulty and will probably be leaving soon also. On one hand, the loss of business is a sad sign and an indication that the economic down turn is affecting more people today. At the same time, it's an indication of what I knew the whole time. A small farming community can't afford to support the overpriced glitzy services that you can find in the city. I say over priced because stuff like $4.00 for a cup of coffee is overpricing. It'd be one thing if the coffee was worth $4.00 a cup.
It's not, though, because the coffee that I make at home with the cheap coffee that I got at the grocery store tastes better then that stuff from Starbucks.
She's always been in love with the city. While I enjoyed the city when I was at college, I didn't want to stay there. She, however, would love to go back and live there. So, when our small town got a Starbucks, she was on cloud nine. This happened at about the same town that the eastern end of town started getting some of the stores that are more associated with the suburbs. For example, there's a Sears there and we've got Peebles too. It's a big difference from the small village shoe shop and the clothes store next door where if you wanted something different then what was in stock you had to order it out of a catalog.
Now, the influence of the city is starting to go away. The Starbucks is leaving. Some of the new stores are having difficulty and will probably be leaving soon also. On one hand, the loss of business is a sad sign and an indication that the economic down turn is affecting more people today. At the same time, it's an indication of what I knew the whole time. A small farming community can't afford to support the overpriced glitzy services that you can find in the city. I say over priced because stuff like $4.00 for a cup of coffee is overpricing. It'd be one thing if the coffee was worth $4.00 a cup.
It's not, though, because the coffee that I make at home with the cheap coffee that I got at the grocery store tastes better then that stuff from Starbucks.
Friday, July 18, 2008
self-soothing...
It's something that I've yet to master. I've found, however, that working on learning how to spin has been doing wonders for that.
I have a drop spindle that's just like this one:
It's been surprisingly soothing to sit and spin the wool that I bought with it a few weeks ago. I actually went out and bought more last week. Now, I have been working on learning to make yarn that is even and relatively fine. Some day, I want to spin my own embroidery thread. As of right now, however, I've managed to make a bit of yarn that will be useful for something crochet. I'm not sure what, though.
I have a drop spindle that's just like this one:
It's been surprisingly soothing to sit and spin the wool that I bought with it a few weeks ago. I actually went out and bought more last week. Now, I have been working on learning to make yarn that is even and relatively fine. Some day, I want to spin my own embroidery thread. As of right now, however, I've managed to make a bit of yarn that will be useful for something crochet. I'm not sure what, though.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I hate this right now...
I'm so upset and fustrated right now with so many things that I just want to cry. I try so hard to make things more settled and easier to deal with right here in my home but I feel like I'm making no progress. I'm struggling to just keep my home clean. I simply don't feel that I can do this successfully because I've got no apparent room right now. I realize that I'm probably looking at this all the wrong way. It most likely makes me an idiot.
The mess with the damn car... I hate that car. I really have begun to hate this things with a passion. And I'm beginning to hate the entire mess surrounding locating a new car as well. I'd add more but I think that would just spawn another argument with my husband. He reads this too and I think he knows where I stand on this, so I won't hit the matter on the head again.
I'm so upset and fustrated with the way things stand right now that I feel torn between crying and throwing things. I wonder somedays if there is a point to my continually attempting to do things like get my home clean or anything else like that. All it adds up to is an attempt. I feel like I'm not really treading water here. Each dish I wash winds up dirty later and needs washed again. Each scrap of clothing I clean needs to be cleaned again later. Folding up and putting clothes away is just not possible right now because of all the crap piled up everywhere. I can't put things away because I have no place for them. Why?
Because stuff is packed in boxes. Because the damn boxes are piled up everywhere. Because I can't carry shit into the damn storage shed between it being too heavy and I have no way to secure it in the shed. Why can't I secure it? Because the stupid lock that I had in the kitchen has gone god knows where after I put it on my husband's desk almost a month and a half ago when I asked him to move a few boxes out there.
So... what the hell is the point?
I spend my time during the day attempting to find some way to balance keeping the domestic concerns in check with raising the boy and also getting back into my writing, and possibly even attempting to run a business on-line doing tarot readings. I feel like all of the effort I'm putting in is futile at best, worthless at worst, and at the end of the day I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong.
Sure, one could say that I'm trying to do too much but it doesn't change the fact that it needs done.
I'm not bitching about how my husband doesn't do anything to help. He works and brings home the money we need to put food on the tables, to make the car run (and to even get us a car), and to keep the roof over our heads. I can't say that's not enough because it's all I can ask of him. It's the reasonable thing to ask of him.
But... gods help me, I don't know what I'm going to do on keeping up my end of the bargin because I think I'm doing it wrong. My anxiety problem is making it hard for me to sleep at night and for me to write. I'm having difficulty feeling safe because the constant cat-fights next door are aggrivating my PTSD and I keep feeling that I need to be ready for some one to assault me. Everytime I look around here, I see constant reminders that I'm falling down on the job here, even if it is in my own head.
~ Edited To Add: ~
I've spent a little bit trying to get a few things done and I've since found that lock. Maybe I'll be able to get a few boxes over to the storage shed this afternoon. We'll see.
The mess with the damn car... I hate that car. I really have begun to hate this things with a passion. And I'm beginning to hate the entire mess surrounding locating a new car as well. I'd add more but I think that would just spawn another argument with my husband. He reads this too and I think he knows where I stand on this, so I won't hit the matter on the head again.
I'm so upset and fustrated with the way things stand right now that I feel torn between crying and throwing things. I wonder somedays if there is a point to my continually attempting to do things like get my home clean or anything else like that. All it adds up to is an attempt. I feel like I'm not really treading water here. Each dish I wash winds up dirty later and needs washed again. Each scrap of clothing I clean needs to be cleaned again later. Folding up and putting clothes away is just not possible right now because of all the crap piled up everywhere. I can't put things away because I have no place for them. Why?
Because stuff is packed in boxes. Because the damn boxes are piled up everywhere. Because I can't carry shit into the damn storage shed between it being too heavy and I have no way to secure it in the shed. Why can't I secure it? Because the stupid lock that I had in the kitchen has gone god knows where after I put it on my husband's desk almost a month and a half ago when I asked him to move a few boxes out there.
So... what the hell is the point?
I spend my time during the day attempting to find some way to balance keeping the domestic concerns in check with raising the boy and also getting back into my writing, and possibly even attempting to run a business on-line doing tarot readings. I feel like all of the effort I'm putting in is futile at best, worthless at worst, and at the end of the day I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong.
Sure, one could say that I'm trying to do too much but it doesn't change the fact that it needs done.
I'm not bitching about how my husband doesn't do anything to help. He works and brings home the money we need to put food on the tables, to make the car run (and to even get us a car), and to keep the roof over our heads. I can't say that's not enough because it's all I can ask of him. It's the reasonable thing to ask of him.
But... gods help me, I don't know what I'm going to do on keeping up my end of the bargin because I think I'm doing it wrong. My anxiety problem is making it hard for me to sleep at night and for me to write. I'm having difficulty feeling safe because the constant cat-fights next door are aggrivating my PTSD and I keep feeling that I need to be ready for some one to assault me. Everytime I look around here, I see constant reminders that I'm falling down on the job here, even if it is in my own head.
~ Edited To Add: ~
I've spent a little bit trying to get a few things done and I've since found that lock. Maybe I'll be able to get a few boxes over to the storage shed this afternoon. We'll see.
Ugh!
I love my family, I really, really do. My grandmother is driving me nuts.
I am having some difficulty planning my son's first birthday party. I admit, I am a bit nervous about this. At the same time, however, I'm not looking to go nuts.
I made some phone calls and found out where I could get a free cake. I have a set of invitations and a set of thank you cards to send out. I'm in the midst of planning the decorations and everything for it. The guest list has been made and I've even resolved the potential scheduling conflict that was going to come from his birthday being the day after his cousin's. All I really need is a location.
I thought that I could get it taken care of easily by calling the village offices. There's a park just a few minutes away from here that is a place that we go to often. It's larger then our townhouse and would be a great location for a party. Unfortunately, the pavilion at the park is booked until the beginning of September. There's been some drama surrounding finding another place to hold it. My grandmother said 'yes, you can have the party here' only to change her mind about 72 hours later. Since then, I've found myself getting increasingly frustrated with the insinuation that I'm planning a party that's too complicated and just too much for my son.
Maybe it's just me, but I thought that some cake, some ice cream, and giving him the opportunity to play with his cousins while his father and I visited with his uncles, aunts, and grandparents was just right. Make the party no longer then an hour and that leaves plenty of time for him to enjoy himself without it being too long with too many people.
Seriously, I want to beat my head against a wall right now. Cake, ice cream, and family is not the same thing as renting a tent, a pony, clowns, and god knows what else. I'm thinking that this thing can be done for around $50. That's a hell of alot less then what alot of other people I know spent for their kid's first birthday.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that I can actually do this?
I am having some difficulty planning my son's first birthday party. I admit, I am a bit nervous about this. At the same time, however, I'm not looking to go nuts.
I made some phone calls and found out where I could get a free cake. I have a set of invitations and a set of thank you cards to send out. I'm in the midst of planning the decorations and everything for it. The guest list has been made and I've even resolved the potential scheduling conflict that was going to come from his birthday being the day after his cousin's. All I really need is a location.
I thought that I could get it taken care of easily by calling the village offices. There's a park just a few minutes away from here that is a place that we go to often. It's larger then our townhouse and would be a great location for a party. Unfortunately, the pavilion at the park is booked until the beginning of September. There's been some drama surrounding finding another place to hold it. My grandmother said 'yes, you can have the party here' only to change her mind about 72 hours later. Since then, I've found myself getting increasingly frustrated with the insinuation that I'm planning a party that's too complicated and just too much for my son.
Maybe it's just me, but I thought that some cake, some ice cream, and giving him the opportunity to play with his cousins while his father and I visited with his uncles, aunts, and grandparents was just right. Make the party no longer then an hour and that leaves plenty of time for him to enjoy himself without it being too long with too many people.
Seriously, I want to beat my head against a wall right now. Cake, ice cream, and family is not the same thing as renting a tent, a pony, clowns, and god knows what else. I'm thinking that this thing can be done for around $50. That's a hell of alot less then what alot of other people I know spent for their kid's first birthday.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that I can actually do this?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
So, I thought I was losing my mind...
First, I need to open this blog post with two different things that make sense only to the people involved.
Stargazer, thank you so much for talking with me last night. That call helped me alot. While I'm still feeling incredibly anxious, I am not quite as ready to fly apart with it all.
Stormcrow, I'm sorry that my recent e-mails have been ... well... have like they have. I think this may help make sense of some of it.
For years, I've been terrified that I was crazy in a bad way. It's only recently (within the last 10 years) that I have begun to understand that even if I was, it's not a terrible end of the world thing. And, it wouldn't make me a bad person. It'd be like saying that the person with a bad head cold was somehow morally deficient because they caught the cold to begin with. Morally deficient people are not the only ones who get sick. Crazy in a bad way, by the way, means not able to really function.
I suppose I really should start at the beginning here. When I was a kid, I was regularly threatened with being insitutionalized by my parents, specifically my mother. This was the same woman who talked about me as though I wasn't her daughter when I didn't behave the way she wanted me to. She still does that to some extent and still even will talk about me as though I'm not even in the room. To be honest, I have always hated that and I think it is a toss up between which of those two I hate more. I was regularly accused of being a hypchrondriac, by both my parents and several others in my family. I was also reminded on a frequent basis that I was a difficult and expensive birth, that I was an investment and I had better not fuck up. The last bit of that statement was generally implied most of the time, but on occasion it was said to me by my mother.
If you're seeing a pattern here, it's not a coincidence. I found myself frequently in the position of having the blame for alot of different crap shoved on me and when blame wasn't shifted to me, I found a great deal of encouragement to blame myself for it. As a result, I lived alot of my childhood in my head. I've a fantasy novel that I'm working on that is based to a large extent on those years of retreating to inside my own head to escape the misery that I faced frequently. I feel terrible to admit it, but I was psychologically abused as a child. And I'm still struggling with the effects of it today.
So, between high levels of stress with this whole crap with our apartment, my on going anxiety over money, and dealing with a bit of depression, I kinda freaked out over the last month. I was corresponding some with a person who has dissociative identity disorder/multiple personality disorder. As he was describing his experiences, I saw alot of parallels between my own situation. Then, this whole bit of hogwash started with the new apartment. I found myself in a difficult place.
I had found myself suddenly facing the echos of my mother's bullshit with the question if I actually had another personality. I looked at the 'voice' in my head and I became terrified. Did that monster in my head of my repressed shadow-side actually have a 'life' of it's own? What of the other 'aspects' of my personality? Did my bit of minor gender identification issues (which again are due to how I was raised) actually indicate a split personality?
These questions have been there for a long time. In the past, I had dismissed them as foolish. Or I simply refused to look at them. I was building up to something of a crisis on this matter and I think all of the stress in these other areas came together to reveal this. Between my having difficulty sleeping and dealing with some of my PTSD issues, I found myself suddenly flailing around in terror over a new possible problem. Last night, I had a conversation with Stargazer and I found reassurance that even if I did have multiple personalities, I was ok.
She then proceeded to explain to me that I never did manifest another personalitiy in the years that we'd known each other, and that being a cranky and surly person in the morning didn't count as that either. We talked for a while. Alot of the conversation revolved around my mother, as they frequently do. I came away from the conversation on stable ground. Suddenly, it didn't feel like I was just going to fly to peices.
It also left me feeling more then saddened by things between my mother and I. It had taken me almost two years of therapy to recognize that I was abused by my parents. It's something I've been struggling with ever since that recognition came to me, almost 10 years ago. It seems like there is always something new revealed as having it's roots back in my childhood.
My massive guilt complex, the anxiety problems, and my attempts to be superwoman all go back to that. I know that I've a long standing problem with depression. While some elements of it may be neurophysical, more of it is just because of how I was raised. I realize that my fears regarding not having enough money to buy food is rooted in my childhood when we had times like that. Sure, my mother may act like my brothers and I didn't know it, but we knew when she and my father didn't eat so that we could.
I don't know how to break away from this stuff. Stargazer suggested talking to a psychologist. I don't know if we can afford that or if it's even something that'd be covered by the health insurance that my husband has thru work. It is such a struggle not to just go find a corner and cry in it when the enormity of it all hits me. At least I can say that I'm not as bad off as I was afraid I was. After all, I manage to take care of my son and our home reasonably well. And I don't have mpd/did, just a lot of bad messages to get out of my head.
Stargazer, thank you so much for talking with me last night. That call helped me alot. While I'm still feeling incredibly anxious, I am not quite as ready to fly apart with it all.
Stormcrow, I'm sorry that my recent e-mails have been ... well... have like they have. I think this may help make sense of some of it.
For years, I've been terrified that I was crazy in a bad way. It's only recently (within the last 10 years) that I have begun to understand that even if I was, it's not a terrible end of the world thing. And, it wouldn't make me a bad person. It'd be like saying that the person with a bad head cold was somehow morally deficient because they caught the cold to begin with. Morally deficient people are not the only ones who get sick. Crazy in a bad way, by the way, means not able to really function.
I suppose I really should start at the beginning here. When I was a kid, I was regularly threatened with being insitutionalized by my parents, specifically my mother. This was the same woman who talked about me as though I wasn't her daughter when I didn't behave the way she wanted me to. She still does that to some extent and still even will talk about me as though I'm not even in the room. To be honest, I have always hated that and I think it is a toss up between which of those two I hate more. I was regularly accused of being a hypchrondriac, by both my parents and several others in my family. I was also reminded on a frequent basis that I was a difficult and expensive birth, that I was an investment and I had better not fuck up. The last bit of that statement was generally implied most of the time, but on occasion it was said to me by my mother.
If you're seeing a pattern here, it's not a coincidence. I found myself frequently in the position of having the blame for alot of different crap shoved on me and when blame wasn't shifted to me, I found a great deal of encouragement to blame myself for it. As a result, I lived alot of my childhood in my head. I've a fantasy novel that I'm working on that is based to a large extent on those years of retreating to inside my own head to escape the misery that I faced frequently. I feel terrible to admit it, but I was psychologically abused as a child. And I'm still struggling with the effects of it today.
So, between high levels of stress with this whole crap with our apartment, my on going anxiety over money, and dealing with a bit of depression, I kinda freaked out over the last month. I was corresponding some with a person who has dissociative identity disorder/multiple personality disorder. As he was describing his experiences, I saw alot of parallels between my own situation. Then, this whole bit of hogwash started with the new apartment. I found myself in a difficult place.
I had found myself suddenly facing the echos of my mother's bullshit with the question if I actually had another personality. I looked at the 'voice' in my head and I became terrified. Did that monster in my head of my repressed shadow-side actually have a 'life' of it's own? What of the other 'aspects' of my personality? Did my bit of minor gender identification issues (which again are due to how I was raised) actually indicate a split personality?
These questions have been there for a long time. In the past, I had dismissed them as foolish. Or I simply refused to look at them. I was building up to something of a crisis on this matter and I think all of the stress in these other areas came together to reveal this. Between my having difficulty sleeping and dealing with some of my PTSD issues, I found myself suddenly flailing around in terror over a new possible problem. Last night, I had a conversation with Stargazer and I found reassurance that even if I did have multiple personalities, I was ok.
She then proceeded to explain to me that I never did manifest another personalitiy in the years that we'd known each other, and that being a cranky and surly person in the morning didn't count as that either. We talked for a while. Alot of the conversation revolved around my mother, as they frequently do. I came away from the conversation on stable ground. Suddenly, it didn't feel like I was just going to fly to peices.
It also left me feeling more then saddened by things between my mother and I. It had taken me almost two years of therapy to recognize that I was abused by my parents. It's something I've been struggling with ever since that recognition came to me, almost 10 years ago. It seems like there is always something new revealed as having it's roots back in my childhood.
My massive guilt complex, the anxiety problems, and my attempts to be superwoman all go back to that. I know that I've a long standing problem with depression. While some elements of it may be neurophysical, more of it is just because of how I was raised. I realize that my fears regarding not having enough money to buy food is rooted in my childhood when we had times like that. Sure, my mother may act like my brothers and I didn't know it, but we knew when she and my father didn't eat so that we could.
I don't know how to break away from this stuff. Stargazer suggested talking to a psychologist. I don't know if we can afford that or if it's even something that'd be covered by the health insurance that my husband has thru work. It is such a struggle not to just go find a corner and cry in it when the enormity of it all hits me. At least I can say that I'm not as bad off as I was afraid I was. After all, I manage to take care of my son and our home reasonably well. And I don't have mpd/did, just a lot of bad messages to get out of my head.
Monday, July 07, 2008
You know, somedays, I'd kinda like to be wrong.
So, anyone else been following the news about that HPV vaccine? You know, the one that they've been advertising that girls who are about 13 should get and that some states are seriously contemplating mandating?
Well, here's the latest chapter in the saga:
It appears that it has a 'causal' connection to several girls and women who've received the injection getting seriously ill and a few deaths.
Perhaps it's just me, but it's pretty damn suspicious when the government starts screaming about how a brand new vaccine must be implemented. It's even more suspicious when there's a huge blitz of advertising of the same slick variety as the stuff that's designed to sell erection enhancement pills. Especially when they're using scare tactics.
I think that the FDA knew these vaccines weren't fully tested. I think that somebody bought off the FDA's approval. Yep, you heard me, folks, the FDA, who're supposed to be our safeguard against such things most likely are complicit in this bullshit. Now, here's the question...
How long before the FDA attempts to sweep this crap under the rug or some how attempt to make the complaints of these people look illegitimate in the eyes of the media?
I *so* don't like the way this looks. I've a feeling that something else equally unpleasant is on the way from the same source.
Well, here's the latest chapter in the saga:
It appears that it has a 'causal' connection to several girls and women who've received the injection getting seriously ill and a few deaths.
Perhaps it's just me, but it's pretty damn suspicious when the government starts screaming about how a brand new vaccine must be implemented. It's even more suspicious when there's a huge blitz of advertising of the same slick variety as the stuff that's designed to sell erection enhancement pills. Especially when they're using scare tactics.
I think that the FDA knew these vaccines weren't fully tested. I think that somebody bought off the FDA's approval. Yep, you heard me, folks, the FDA, who're supposed to be our safeguard against such things most likely are complicit in this bullshit. Now, here's the question...
How long before the FDA attempts to sweep this crap under the rug or some how attempt to make the complaints of these people look illegitimate in the eyes of the media?
I *so* don't like the way this looks. I've a feeling that something else equally unpleasant is on the way from the same source.
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