When I saw the doctor a few weeks ago, he and I agreed that if I wasn't feeling better I should come back in. It was about my fall in January. We figured it was a 50% chance that I had bruised my ribs or fractured one. Deciding that since the course of treatment was the same either way, I didn't go for x-rays. So, here I am at the point when I should be feeling healthy and hale, in moderate pain with out Aleve and it gets worse when I work the muscles on my right side. Lifting a full gallon of milk is uncomfortable but anything more still hurts.
I guess I fractured something. I have a follow up appointment scheduled on the 6th. This will be one of the things I bring up. I'm rather vexed because it is difficult to go about my daily tasks with only my off hand for heavy work. You can't lift a basin full of water with just one hand and pour it effectively. Well, you could pour it but have no control over it. Laundry is just in bags about because lifting and moving it around is really hard unless I am doing a few items at a time.
I'm frustrated and feeling like I'm not doing enough. I am in that situation my tarot cards warned me about in December. I am the Hanged Man and the 5 of Swords. I'm in a point of stasis and it is driving me half mad with boredom. To top it off, I am struggling to focus enough to get things done because I keep getting distracted by all the other stuff that NEEDS to get done. (Emphasis by my anxiety.)
So, what do you do when you can't keep fighting? I guess it is surrender or attack in the opposite direction. But retreat isn't exactly an option here. I suppose it is surrender. One of the few benefits out of this mess is that my posture has improved. The only way I am comfortable is if I sit or stand with a properly erect spine. I can only lie on my left side, which has helped some with the heartburn issues, I guess. I can't do my morning yoga and, strangely, I miss it. I can't go walking of late between the weather and discovering that if I have to use my cane for a significant period of time, my ribs hurt. (My knees have been really bad this week.)
I know there's some kind of lesson here. I'm not sure exactly how to apply it or just what it is. Fighting this and attempting to be a stoic about it all is just causing real pain here. So, I'm going to stop doing that. I don't know what to do, though. This is all very disconcerting for so many reasons.
roses
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Tide Pods and other noxious things.
I promised you a rant on the Tide pod challenge. It is part of the reason why I have been avoiding social media. There has been quite a few people posting memes about this. I recognize gallows humor. It stopped being funny a while ago, but the memes keep happening. The kids keep doing this and dying. It sickens me to see people laughing about children dying due to social pressure. That's what's driving the Tide pod challenge and a lot of the other assinine challenges out there. Similar things went on when I was that age. It didn't spread as quickly but it was still a thing and people did stupidly dangerous things to prove they were part of the crowd.
However, those stupidly dangerous things weren't lethal. Those stupidly dangerous things weren't being broadcasted for the whole world to watch. This would be like watching a group of kids playing russian roulette with an actual firearm, not a nerf gun, and when the likes for the feed hits a critical number, they load another bullet for the lulz. I carefully monitor my children's access to the internet to keep them away from this kind of garbage because they are the kids who'd be pressured into it due to how much they want to be friends with everybody. How many other children don't have parents who are able to do this for them? What of that number have died or been severely injured due to stuff like the Tide pod challenge? I'd lay odds that a good number of the dead and injured due to this meme are ones that their parents thought that Youtube was harmless.
The Tide pod challenge isn't the only thing that bothers me about popular memes right now. There's some stupid ones out there. That's not really a problem as much of an annoyance. But the memes that make fun of people with autism or treats people with mental disability as though they are subhuman really, really bother me. They dehumanize these people. Progressive dehumanization or othering of an already vulnerable part of the population is a step towards greater oppression of said group. If it was acceptable, I'm sure that such memes would be posted about African Americans by people who seem to think that Donald Trump* is a good person based on what I've seen said by that segment of the population with respect to former President Obama.
We are living in times where Immigrations and Customs Enforcement are stopping Amtrack trains outside of Syracuse (a city that is known for salt potatoes and their basketball for the most part) and demanding to see papers proving citizenship. They're waiting at schools and places of employment to pick up potential illegal immigrants. Families are making plans for what to do if parents are picked up while kids are at school. There is an underground railroad smuggling people out of the United States to points elsewhere to seek asylum.
And yet, we should be happy with our bread and circuses. We should laugh as children are pressured to kill themselves. We should shrug off one child calling ICE on another as a prank or youthful indiscretion. (That one ended well, thank gods, the child who had ICE called on them and their family were not harassed because they had the good fortune of having all of their paperwork in hand. And the child who did that call got expelled for it.) We should look away when transgendered people are murdered for the mere offense of living. We should be hyped up about the winter olympics but not offended by the fact that school shootings are in double digits already.
If my anger and concerns about such things makes me a helicopter parent, then I'm not that fun/annoying news helicopter that's telling you about rush hour traffic. I'm the armored assault helicopter that's air support for my troops on the ground. I haven't figured out how to deal with it all yet, but if someone comes at my kids, they're going down. School yard fights happen and that is why we're teaching them how to finish a fight if it starts but to never start one. The other side of things, adults fucking around causing my children problems, I will find away to destroy them utterly. Once I thought I could count on the community to help. Now, I find my people and we fight for each other because the bonds of community have broken.
If they hadn't broken, this mess wouldn't be here. We'd be taking care of each other and nobody's babies would be dying because someone told them they had to eat poison to be popular.
However, those stupidly dangerous things weren't lethal. Those stupidly dangerous things weren't being broadcasted for the whole world to watch. This would be like watching a group of kids playing russian roulette with an actual firearm, not a nerf gun, and when the likes for the feed hits a critical number, they load another bullet for the lulz. I carefully monitor my children's access to the internet to keep them away from this kind of garbage because they are the kids who'd be pressured into it due to how much they want to be friends with everybody. How many other children don't have parents who are able to do this for them? What of that number have died or been severely injured due to stuff like the Tide pod challenge? I'd lay odds that a good number of the dead and injured due to this meme are ones that their parents thought that Youtube was harmless.
The Tide pod challenge isn't the only thing that bothers me about popular memes right now. There's some stupid ones out there. That's not really a problem as much of an annoyance. But the memes that make fun of people with autism or treats people with mental disability as though they are subhuman really, really bother me. They dehumanize these people. Progressive dehumanization or othering of an already vulnerable part of the population is a step towards greater oppression of said group. If it was acceptable, I'm sure that such memes would be posted about African Americans by people who seem to think that Donald Trump* is a good person based on what I've seen said by that segment of the population with respect to former President Obama.
We are living in times where Immigrations and Customs Enforcement are stopping Amtrack trains outside of Syracuse (a city that is known for salt potatoes and their basketball for the most part) and demanding to see papers proving citizenship. They're waiting at schools and places of employment to pick up potential illegal immigrants. Families are making plans for what to do if parents are picked up while kids are at school. There is an underground railroad smuggling people out of the United States to points elsewhere to seek asylum.
And yet, we should be happy with our bread and circuses. We should laugh as children are pressured to kill themselves. We should shrug off one child calling ICE on another as a prank or youthful indiscretion. (That one ended well, thank gods, the child who had ICE called on them and their family were not harassed because they had the good fortune of having all of their paperwork in hand. And the child who did that call got expelled for it.) We should look away when transgendered people are murdered for the mere offense of living. We should be hyped up about the winter olympics but not offended by the fact that school shootings are in double digits already.
If my anger and concerns about such things makes me a helicopter parent, then I'm not that fun/annoying news helicopter that's telling you about rush hour traffic. I'm the armored assault helicopter that's air support for my troops on the ground. I haven't figured out how to deal with it all yet, but if someone comes at my kids, they're going down. School yard fights happen and that is why we're teaching them how to finish a fight if it starts but to never start one. The other side of things, adults fucking around causing my children problems, I will find away to destroy them utterly. Once I thought I could count on the community to help. Now, I find my people and we fight for each other because the bonds of community have broken.
If they hadn't broken, this mess wouldn't be here. We'd be taking care of each other and nobody's babies would be dying because someone told them they had to eat poison to be popular.
Med changes suck. (and other stuff)
I'm at that point in the process of adjusting to a new medication that I'm starting to get my feet under me again. I'm grouchy and stressed out because I can't do my usual things (or I don't remember doing them and feel like I still have to do them). And I'm still dealing with the exhaustion that comes with this one. It's improving, but feeling like I have to take a nap every day or go to bed early sucks. I don't get much alone time if I am not up in the morning and going during the school day because the kids are ALWAYS there.
Just a few minutes ago, I had the audacity to go use the bathroom and my youngest was wandering around shouting for me. Earlier, my eldest followed me to the bathroom talking about the box-fort firehouse he wants to build just like the one he saw on a Youtube video. He literally stood outside the door talking at me until I called out that I wanted to go potty in peace. Then he walked off, trying to talk to his brother who was on the complete other side of the apartment and couldn't hear him. This is just an everyday thing.
But, taking a two hour nap in the morning this morning robbed me of writing time. I spent my whole afternoon working on finances (and I got about half of the stuff I planned to do there done). When I wasn't doing that, I was doing dishes so that I could make dinner. And managing the kids. Here it is, almost 7 in the evening, I wish Beloved was home. I just want to have another grown adult to talk to about something other than plans to build stuff this summer, facts about the Titanic, firetrucks, or yard work equipment.
Tomorrow, we go see the folks at the autism center. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be the only one whose meds will be changed this month. My eldest has the moodiness and attitude that has Beloved and I convinced he is hitting the leading edge of puberty. And the youngest keeps having more attention problems and he is eating less. I don't know how any of this is going to change with the medications or honestly how to cope with it.
I'm exhausted from constantly trying to stay one step ahead of them. I have to out plan and out maneuver them on a regular basis to keep them safe. My youngest still has days where he tries to climb the unsecured bookcases. I worry about them getting into medications and thinking they are candy. I tell them they can't get into these things and they should only have them when we give it to them. But they are getting to that age that they're going to have the manual dexterity and possible inclination to get into those child safe bottles. And that terrifies me.
I've done my best to keep them unaware of the existence of the Tide Pod challenge because they'd try it. Just because they would think it was a thing that they were supposed to do. It is part of the reason why the Tide Pod challenge makes me so angry. I'll rant about that later. But, right now, I'm afraid for the safety of my kids because they're starting to get into things again. The youngest really, really wants to clean things like I do. He's taken to trying to clean the bathroom mirror. Kinda sweet, kinda cute, and kinda terrifying because he doesn't know what bottle is the cleaner or to clear all the stuff that goes in our mouths off of the counter top before cleaning. I'm seriously thinking about getting those child locks for the door of the cupboard. Or, if it fits through the fancy loop on the double door opening, a padlock.
I don't know what to do, but it has to be something. Because I want to keep them safe. My anxiety is pretty well justified on this front. It is exhausting. I'm always listening and looking out for trouble. I strive to give my boys their independence. At the same time, they've got developmental delays that put them a bit behind their peers. As such, my 3rd grader is in many ways like a kindergarten student. So, I have to keep close tabs on him. And my 5th grader is about a year behind in other ways.
Most of my friends are childless. The number of friends who have kids on the autism spectrum is fairly small. We try to be supportive of each other as much as Facebook and my social phobia allows. But it is hard because they're all over the map (quite literally) and only a few are local. It is hard to talk about this stuff because so many people say 'oh, I know!' when they really don't know. Yeah, my kids have fears of the dark like others their age. But the loud gurgling of our fucked up bathroom sink, the noise of the hot air hand dryers, and loud stuff like thunder and fireworks are going to be terrifying to the boys too.
Most kids may jump a bit and then be ok. Hell, a lot of kids get excited by loud noises. Mine have sound sensitivities that makes them have difficulty with a lot of things. I think the only reason why we didn't have meltdowns to deal with in the firetruck rides was because the obsession with firetrucks overpowers the sound sensitivity to some extent. (Every chance they get to visit the fire station, climb in a fire truck, and hang out with the firefighters, they jump for. They love those people. Hence part of the reason why they want to build a box-fort firehouse.)
Just a few minutes ago, I had the audacity to go use the bathroom and my youngest was wandering around shouting for me. Earlier, my eldest followed me to the bathroom talking about the box-fort firehouse he wants to build just like the one he saw on a Youtube video. He literally stood outside the door talking at me until I called out that I wanted to go potty in peace. Then he walked off, trying to talk to his brother who was on the complete other side of the apartment and couldn't hear him. This is just an everyday thing.
But, taking a two hour nap in the morning this morning robbed me of writing time. I spent my whole afternoon working on finances (and I got about half of the stuff I planned to do there done). When I wasn't doing that, I was doing dishes so that I could make dinner. And managing the kids. Here it is, almost 7 in the evening, I wish Beloved was home. I just want to have another grown adult to talk to about something other than plans to build stuff this summer, facts about the Titanic, firetrucks, or yard work equipment.
Tomorrow, we go see the folks at the autism center. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be the only one whose meds will be changed this month. My eldest has the moodiness and attitude that has Beloved and I convinced he is hitting the leading edge of puberty. And the youngest keeps having more attention problems and he is eating less. I don't know how any of this is going to change with the medications or honestly how to cope with it.
I'm exhausted from constantly trying to stay one step ahead of them. I have to out plan and out maneuver them on a regular basis to keep them safe. My youngest still has days where he tries to climb the unsecured bookcases. I worry about them getting into medications and thinking they are candy. I tell them they can't get into these things and they should only have them when we give it to them. But they are getting to that age that they're going to have the manual dexterity and possible inclination to get into those child safe bottles. And that terrifies me.
I've done my best to keep them unaware of the existence of the Tide Pod challenge because they'd try it. Just because they would think it was a thing that they were supposed to do. It is part of the reason why the Tide Pod challenge makes me so angry. I'll rant about that later. But, right now, I'm afraid for the safety of my kids because they're starting to get into things again. The youngest really, really wants to clean things like I do. He's taken to trying to clean the bathroom mirror. Kinda sweet, kinda cute, and kinda terrifying because he doesn't know what bottle is the cleaner or to clear all the stuff that goes in our mouths off of the counter top before cleaning. I'm seriously thinking about getting those child locks for the door of the cupboard. Or, if it fits through the fancy loop on the double door opening, a padlock.
I don't know what to do, but it has to be something. Because I want to keep them safe. My anxiety is pretty well justified on this front. It is exhausting. I'm always listening and looking out for trouble. I strive to give my boys their independence. At the same time, they've got developmental delays that put them a bit behind their peers. As such, my 3rd grader is in many ways like a kindergarten student. So, I have to keep close tabs on him. And my 5th grader is about a year behind in other ways.
Most of my friends are childless. The number of friends who have kids on the autism spectrum is fairly small. We try to be supportive of each other as much as Facebook and my social phobia allows. But it is hard because they're all over the map (quite literally) and only a few are local. It is hard to talk about this stuff because so many people say 'oh, I know!' when they really don't know. Yeah, my kids have fears of the dark like others their age. But the loud gurgling of our fucked up bathroom sink, the noise of the hot air hand dryers, and loud stuff like thunder and fireworks are going to be terrifying to the boys too.
Most kids may jump a bit and then be ok. Hell, a lot of kids get excited by loud noises. Mine have sound sensitivities that makes them have difficulty with a lot of things. I think the only reason why we didn't have meltdowns to deal with in the firetruck rides was because the obsession with firetrucks overpowers the sound sensitivity to some extent. (Every chance they get to visit the fire station, climb in a fire truck, and hang out with the firefighters, they jump for. They love those people. Hence part of the reason why they want to build a box-fort firehouse.)
Monday, February 05, 2018
Ranting ahead.
I'm sick and tired of being depressed. It's crept into every damn element of my day. Now, I can't get much writing done unless it is therapy related or my memoir/novel/whatever-it-is-today. I get maybe a paragraph done and then I find myself on the verge of crying. Change topics and it happens again. This is stupid and I want it to stop.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Monday Menu: Week of 1/28/18
It's a typical Monday afternoon here. My boys are arguing. The kitchen has a pile of dishes to be washed and laundry is waiting to be folded. But, I'm not going to argue because it is a good day. I've got my kids and my Beloved. I've a home to live in and the blessings of our belongings. I'm thankful for what we have. Even if the kids are making me grind my teeth. Because the alternative is horrifying to me. (I've been having some dark thoughts today when I'm not busy. The solution is to be more busy, right?)
| Date | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sun | Donuts | sandwiches / leftovers |
pizza |
| Mon | Waffles | Kids: school Hubby: pad thai bowl Me: leftovers |
hamburgers carrot salad fries |
| Tues | Cereal | Kids: school Hubby: peanut chicken bowl Me: soup |
pulled pork tacos salsa & fixings mexican rice |
| Wed | Waffles | Kids: school Hubby: pulled pork sandwich, hard boiled egg & chips Me: taco salad |
ham loaf, roasted potatoes & garlic green beans |
| Thurs | Cereal | Kids: sandwiches & chips Hubby: roast chicken, potatoes, & green beans Me: leftovers |
mu shu chicken wraps & celery, carrot & cucumber salad |
| Fri | Eggs & toast | Kids: sandwiches & carrot sticks Hubby: leftovers Me: sandwich & salad |
Pork korma, naan, & rice pilaf Kids: ham sandwich & veggies |
| Sat | french toast | leftovers | chicken & biscuits |
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Monday Menu: Week of 1/21/18
| Date | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sun | French toast & bacon |
sandwiches / leftovers |
pizza |
| Mon | cereal | Kids: school Hubby: lasagna Me: leftovers |
hamburgers carrot salad fries |
| Tues | waffles | Kids: school Hubby: lasanga Me: soup |
tacos salsa & fixings mexican rice |
| Wed | eggs & ham | Kids: school Hubby: ham salad sandwich, hard boiled egg & chips Me: taco salad |
tatertot bake salad / fresh cut veggies |
| Thurs | waffles | Kids: school Hubby: teriyaki meatballs & peanut noodles Me: leftovers |
General Tso chicken, fried rice, cucumber salad |
| Fri | cereal w/ fruit | Kids: sandwiches & carrot sticks Hubby: leftovers Me: sandwich & salad |
Thai peanut pork chops w/ naan & rice pilaf (ez mac for kids) |
| Sat | eggs w/ hashbrowns & sausage |
leftovers | spaghetti & meatballs (homemade sauce) |
Friday, January 19, 2018
Fiction Friday: Random Scene - Insomnia
Sarah stared up at the ceiling. The projection display of her alarm clock said it was 0200 and 56 seconds. She was exhausted. This was the third night that she just couldn't sleep. Work wasn't much of a problem, aside from being painfully boring. Thus, staying awake was the problem. Somewhere in the apartment below, she heard the noise of the neighbors having an argument, or possibly sex. It was hard to tell. In the bathroom off across the hallway, the sink dripped into the basin at 3/4 time. It took Sarah about 6 seconds to realize it. She almost laughed, her music lessons way back in middle school were actually still there somehow inside her brain.
The heater kicked on with a rattling sound in the vent. As the warm air blew up, a bit of paper slapped and rustled against the vent itself. The sound was annoying. Sarah put her pillow over her head as she rolled onto her right side. She wondered if it was possible to smother yourself trying to block out the noise of other people and her irritating heating duct problem. Then she realized that she could hear the muted noise of the neighbors below through the mattress with some weird echo quality due to the springs. With a sigh, the tired woman rolled over to her back and thumped the pillow down on the side of the bed. Sarah stared at the clock's display. 0201 and 43 seconds.
Music listening to: The Last Bison Sleep off of their album VA
Time to write scene: 10 minutes approx.
The heater kicked on with a rattling sound in the vent. As the warm air blew up, a bit of paper slapped and rustled against the vent itself. The sound was annoying. Sarah put her pillow over her head as she rolled onto her right side. She wondered if it was possible to smother yourself trying to block out the noise of other people and her irritating heating duct problem. Then she realized that she could hear the muted noise of the neighbors below through the mattress with some weird echo quality due to the springs. With a sigh, the tired woman rolled over to her back and thumped the pillow down on the side of the bed. Sarah stared at the clock's display. 0201 and 43 seconds.
Music listening to: The Last Bison Sleep off of their album VA
Time to write scene: 10 minutes approx.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Tired but muddling along.
I'm feeling pretty worn out today. I caught what ever this cold is that the kids have. My solution is to make soup and drink tea. My chicken bone broth has been bubbling away for about two hours. The kitchen smells pretty great, to be honest. I have a fascinator that I'm making which is about 1/3 of the way done. I'm hoping I have enough yarn for it. I'm not sure if I have a second ball in that colorway. I have only just started spinning for this year. I'm working from the same fiber as last time. My hope is to get up to serious production level spinning next season and possibly stock my etsy store with yarn.
Right now, I'm going to take a short nap because I can barely type. I blame my medication for this exhaustion.
Right now, I'm going to take a short nap because I can barely type. I blame my medication for this exhaustion.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Fiction Friday: The Friendzone
i have this vision of the guy chained in some kind of dark basement type place that was once a fun center for kids and has all of the dopey signs for 'FRIENDZONE' everywhere complete with some kind of cheezy/disturbing mascot wearing a fedora. (i may have to write a horror short featuring this concept now...)
Derek was pleased. Not only had he successfully managed to get the number for the hottest woman at the party, but she agreed to go on a date. His buddy Chad was mildly insulted but chose to sit and work on trying to make a girl that was almost as pretty cry with his backhanded comments as he drank his craft brew. Derek gave Chad a thumbs up as the blond woman he had his date arranged with came over to him and took him by the hand to lead him off elsewhere. Chad flipped him the bird with a smirk.
Sheila was pleased. Her mark was textbook perfect. He had the cheap tanning booth look, over priced sun glasses, and all the charm of the plastic doll he was desperately attempting to imitate with out knowing it. His hair was cut in the latest style and his clothes were top shelf brands. Derek, as he called himself, was an utter boor with a penchant for pick up lines. Sheila did her best to play coy until he decided to be persistent. Then she let him decide that she was interested and plan to go on a date.
She gave him the number for the last mark. He was excited, impulsive, and thinking entirely with his gonads. Now, usually, Sheila would have waited for the date. Derek, however, was repulsive enough that he decided agreement to a date was consent to spike her drink and do whatever he wished later when she was drugged. This annoyed Sheila, so she moved her time table up the same time she switched drinks with him when was distracted by someone calling his name.
They had gotten their coats and Derek was showing signs of the drug/alcohol combination taking effect. He tried to say that he was good to drive. Sheila changed his mind with a suggestive comment about a woman taking control as she steered him towards the sidewalk. She raised a hand and hailed a cab. Derek was stumbling as she helped him into the car. He was rambling about something but Sheila ignored him. The cab stopped at the shopping center. Sheila paid the fare and helped Derek out of the vehicle. They walked towards a shelter where she claimed an associate was going to meet them. The cab drove off thinking nothing of it.
Sheila let Derek rest for a minute as they sat in the shelter. He said something about lewd plans involving Sheila and her 'girlfriend' and she laughed. Feeling encouraged by her laughter, he spewed something more vulgar in a drunken slur. Sheila helped him up to his feet and they walked past the entrance into the main shopping area. With her hood up, Sheila's face was well hidden as they walked along. Derek liked the idea of an adventure and tried to take the lead. When they reached the place she was planning to take him, Derek looked around.
Taking her key out of her pocket, Sheila opened the door and motioned Derek in. He peered in the gloom, trying to figure out what about the place seemed so wrong aside from the dark. Sheila laughed at his discomfort and said it was nothing to worry about. As she popped on her flash light and lead him through a maze of dust covered tables, Derek's sense that something was absolutely wrong with the scenario grew stronger. Sheila looked at him with a manic smile and told him "This is a happy, fun place. You'll love it here." Derek tried to lurch away from here but Sheila moved with him, backing him up against a pillar.
"Oh hush," she cooed, "You were the one looking for a little adventure." As she rubbed her body against him, Derek groaned a little. That was his last clear memory.
Eight hours later, he woke up. A giant donkey wearing a fedora cocked jauntily on its head was sitting before him. Derek screamed. The donkey didn't move. That was when he realized that it was Dick the Donkey, mascot of the failed chain of arcade and entertainment restaurants known as the Friendzone. There were a few other mascots, like Willy the Worm and Mr. Happy the Smiling Snake. Derek came to the Friendzone for a few birthday parties when he was in his single digits. The donkey disturbed him greatly, he had nightmares.
"Ok, this isn't funny," he said to the person wearing the plush costume. There was no answer. There was no noise at all. For a moment, the old fear that the smiling Dick the Donkey was going to hack him to death with a machete came to mind. As he began to think more clearly, Derek realized his left ankle felt like there was something on it. He looked down and discovered he had one end of a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs strapped around his ankle. The other was fixed to what was once a tie down for a faux tent in that 'party' section. Derek reached down to try to pull the cuff off. That was when he realized there was good old fashioned American made steel underneath that neon pink fluff.
Derek looked up. Dick the Donkey didn't move. Derek looked around and saw a hacksaw sitting on the table beside him, just in reach. He picked it up. He leaned down to saw at the chain between the cuffs and realized he couldn't get the right angle. His only way out was mutilation. And Dick the Donkey didn't move. Derek looked around again, realizing that he couldn't see the front of the building. He couldn't hear the sounds of traffic or anyone in the other buildings. He forgot that the Friendzone was built like an impenetrable bunker so that none could hear kiddies screaming with glee. Derek looked at Dick the Donkey.
"You don't have the key, do you, Dick?" The donkey's head drooped forward. "Hey, asshole!" Derek screamed, "Do you have the key to get me out of this?" There was no response. With his free leg, Derek kicked out and managed to catch the costumed figure in the knee. The plush over sized head tumbled off. A dessicated male corpse stared emptily ahead. Derek screamed. He slapped his pockets as he awkwardly found his feet. No phone, no keys, nothing. He flopped back into the chair, wrenching his ankle, and sobbed. He was trapped.
Derek was pleased. Not only had he successfully managed to get the number for the hottest woman at the party, but she agreed to go on a date. His buddy Chad was mildly insulted but chose to sit and work on trying to make a girl that was almost as pretty cry with his backhanded comments as he drank his craft brew. Derek gave Chad a thumbs up as the blond woman he had his date arranged with came over to him and took him by the hand to lead him off elsewhere. Chad flipped him the bird with a smirk.
Sheila was pleased. Her mark was textbook perfect. He had the cheap tanning booth look, over priced sun glasses, and all the charm of the plastic doll he was desperately attempting to imitate with out knowing it. His hair was cut in the latest style and his clothes were top shelf brands. Derek, as he called himself, was an utter boor with a penchant for pick up lines. Sheila did her best to play coy until he decided to be persistent. Then she let him decide that she was interested and plan to go on a date.
She gave him the number for the last mark. He was excited, impulsive, and thinking entirely with his gonads. Now, usually, Sheila would have waited for the date. Derek, however, was repulsive enough that he decided agreement to a date was consent to spike her drink and do whatever he wished later when she was drugged. This annoyed Sheila, so she moved her time table up the same time she switched drinks with him when was distracted by someone calling his name.
They had gotten their coats and Derek was showing signs of the drug/alcohol combination taking effect. He tried to say that he was good to drive. Sheila changed his mind with a suggestive comment about a woman taking control as she steered him towards the sidewalk. She raised a hand and hailed a cab. Derek was stumbling as she helped him into the car. He was rambling about something but Sheila ignored him. The cab stopped at the shopping center. Sheila paid the fare and helped Derek out of the vehicle. They walked towards a shelter where she claimed an associate was going to meet them. The cab drove off thinking nothing of it.
Sheila let Derek rest for a minute as they sat in the shelter. He said something about lewd plans involving Sheila and her 'girlfriend' and she laughed. Feeling encouraged by her laughter, he spewed something more vulgar in a drunken slur. Sheila helped him up to his feet and they walked past the entrance into the main shopping area. With her hood up, Sheila's face was well hidden as they walked along. Derek liked the idea of an adventure and tried to take the lead. When they reached the place she was planning to take him, Derek looked around.
Taking her key out of her pocket, Sheila opened the door and motioned Derek in. He peered in the gloom, trying to figure out what about the place seemed so wrong aside from the dark. Sheila laughed at his discomfort and said it was nothing to worry about. As she popped on her flash light and lead him through a maze of dust covered tables, Derek's sense that something was absolutely wrong with the scenario grew stronger. Sheila looked at him with a manic smile and told him "This is a happy, fun place. You'll love it here." Derek tried to lurch away from here but Sheila moved with him, backing him up against a pillar.
"Oh hush," she cooed, "You were the one looking for a little adventure." As she rubbed her body against him, Derek groaned a little. That was his last clear memory.
Eight hours later, he woke up. A giant donkey wearing a fedora cocked jauntily on its head was sitting before him. Derek screamed. The donkey didn't move. That was when he realized that it was Dick the Donkey, mascot of the failed chain of arcade and entertainment restaurants known as the Friendzone. There were a few other mascots, like Willy the Worm and Mr. Happy the Smiling Snake. Derek came to the Friendzone for a few birthday parties when he was in his single digits. The donkey disturbed him greatly, he had nightmares.
"Ok, this isn't funny," he said to the person wearing the plush costume. There was no answer. There was no noise at all. For a moment, the old fear that the smiling Dick the Donkey was going to hack him to death with a machete came to mind. As he began to think more clearly, Derek realized his left ankle felt like there was something on it. He looked down and discovered he had one end of a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs strapped around his ankle. The other was fixed to what was once a tie down for a faux tent in that 'party' section. Derek reached down to try to pull the cuff off. That was when he realized there was good old fashioned American made steel underneath that neon pink fluff.
Derek looked up. Dick the Donkey didn't move. Derek looked around and saw a hacksaw sitting on the table beside him, just in reach. He picked it up. He leaned down to saw at the chain between the cuffs and realized he couldn't get the right angle. His only way out was mutilation. And Dick the Donkey didn't move. Derek looked around again, realizing that he couldn't see the front of the building. He couldn't hear the sounds of traffic or anyone in the other buildings. He forgot that the Friendzone was built like an impenetrable bunker so that none could hear kiddies screaming with glee. Derek looked at Dick the Donkey.
"You don't have the key, do you, Dick?" The donkey's head drooped forward. "Hey, asshole!" Derek screamed, "Do you have the key to get me out of this?" There was no response. With his free leg, Derek kicked out and managed to catch the costumed figure in the knee. The plush over sized head tumbled off. A dessicated male corpse stared emptily ahead. Derek screamed. He slapped his pockets as he awkwardly found his feet. No phone, no keys, nothing. He flopped back into the chair, wrenching his ankle, and sobbed. He was trapped.
Dessert? Bah.
So, I've come to the conclusion I clearly must not be normal. I've gone from being someone who enjoys ice cream to someone who eats a roast beef sandwich or mashed potatoes as their last 'meal' of the day. If I am looking for something sweet, I eat fruit now. But, usually, I'm looking for something savory and with a bit of meat to it.
For a while, I cut just about all carbs out of my diet. I reduced my daily intake down to around 4 portions. As a result, I had a sharp uptick in severe headaches and more stomach issues. So, I'm eating more carbs now. But the preference for unsweetened things seems to have stuck around. My only exceptions are iced tea and coffee. Still, I have been using less sweetener in those too. I don't appear to have lost more weight yet.
My goal, however, is not to lose weight. As someone who was borderline anorexic in high school for various reasons, I am working not to focus on weight. Instead, I'm trying to keep my focus on what makes me feel healthy. And keep my focus on things like building muscle strength and flexibility. I'm trying to get my endurance up higher for physical activity. I want to be healthier and part of getting there is obviously going to mean losing some weight, more exercise, and eating better food.
In the first quarter of the year, my goal is to get my diet straightened out. I kinda have a start on that by eating multiple small meals through out the day to keep my blood sugar stable. Focusing more on unprocessed food has been pretty easy because most of the processed food is outside of our budget. The processed foods that are inside our budget are just not very good. So, instead of eating things like boxed macaroni and cheese, I'm making spaghetti with homemade tomato sauce. And I'm not having that too often either.
Dessert food and snack food have been slowly phasing their way out of my diet. It is still very much a part of the diets of the guys. But that's ok. Beloved does so in moderation, so I'm not worried about it being a health hazard for him. And the kids need to eat more to bulk up their weight right now. For my part, I'll just try to stick with my fruit as a snack food. Though, I've been leaning more towards vegetables for snacks of late.
Next month, I start keeping a food journal to see what exactly I am eating. This month, I am spending time learning about what manner of diet is healthiest for someone like me. I'm beginning to think I should talk to some nutritionists in training or something. I want to have a healthy diet. What I have now isn't too bad. But I want to do better and have more variety in it. I have been seriously thinking about going back to what I was doing a few years ago where I save my 'normal' meal for dinner time and eat a vegetarian diet for the rest of the day.
It's a good thing I have an almost unholy love of oatmeal and I know how to make overnight oats in the fridge for hot weather. (Just have to say, if you want a savory oatmeal fix, add some onion chutney and a crisply fried egg to it. And if you want your overnight oats to be sweet and fruity, use fruit flavored yogurt in place of regular yogurt or add some chopped up frozen fruit.)
For a while, I cut just about all carbs out of my diet. I reduced my daily intake down to around 4 portions. As a result, I had a sharp uptick in severe headaches and more stomach issues. So, I'm eating more carbs now. But the preference for unsweetened things seems to have stuck around. My only exceptions are iced tea and coffee. Still, I have been using less sweetener in those too. I don't appear to have lost more weight yet.
My goal, however, is not to lose weight. As someone who was borderline anorexic in high school for various reasons, I am working not to focus on weight. Instead, I'm trying to keep my focus on what makes me feel healthy. And keep my focus on things like building muscle strength and flexibility. I'm trying to get my endurance up higher for physical activity. I want to be healthier and part of getting there is obviously going to mean losing some weight, more exercise, and eating better food.
In the first quarter of the year, my goal is to get my diet straightened out. I kinda have a start on that by eating multiple small meals through out the day to keep my blood sugar stable. Focusing more on unprocessed food has been pretty easy because most of the processed food is outside of our budget. The processed foods that are inside our budget are just not very good. So, instead of eating things like boxed macaroni and cheese, I'm making spaghetti with homemade tomato sauce. And I'm not having that too often either.
Dessert food and snack food have been slowly phasing their way out of my diet. It is still very much a part of the diets of the guys. But that's ok. Beloved does so in moderation, so I'm not worried about it being a health hazard for him. And the kids need to eat more to bulk up their weight right now. For my part, I'll just try to stick with my fruit as a snack food. Though, I've been leaning more towards vegetables for snacks of late.
Next month, I start keeping a food journal to see what exactly I am eating. This month, I am spending time learning about what manner of diet is healthiest for someone like me. I'm beginning to think I should talk to some nutritionists in training or something. I want to have a healthy diet. What I have now isn't too bad. But I want to do better and have more variety in it. I have been seriously thinking about going back to what I was doing a few years ago where I save my 'normal' meal for dinner time and eat a vegetarian diet for the rest of the day.
It's a good thing I have an almost unholy love of oatmeal and I know how to make overnight oats in the fridge for hot weather. (Just have to say, if you want a savory oatmeal fix, add some onion chutney and a crisply fried egg to it. And if you want your overnight oats to be sweet and fruity, use fruit flavored yogurt in place of regular yogurt or add some chopped up frozen fruit.)
Tuesday, January 09, 2018
Ranting
I'm struggling to get my butt back into gear, y'all. I did my usual daily routine yesterday like I would if it were any other time of year. It was exhausting and I was ready for a nap in the middle of the day. I feel kinda badly about it. I realize that I am recovering from being sick for around two months. I realize that I'm in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder and the bad season for my PTSD.
Being reasonable, I completely comprehend that I need to ease back into my daily routine. I am not happy about it, though. I want to just get back to doing the things that I had been before I got sick. I want to get back to walking a half mile at least three days a week. I want to get back to doing yoga and my back exercises every morning (even adding in some yoga in the evening too, because it really helps with the arthritis). I want to get back to my prodigious writing output and finish a couple of manuscripts.
But, here I am struggling to get a few blog posts and household chores done. I know the problem is depression. I know that arthritis makes it painful for me to exercise, especially out in the cold weather. But even the 15 minute indoor exercise routine I have was too much for me. I feel extra achey and stiff today. I am trying to stay on top of it all, but I'm not doing that great. I'm very frustrated because I feel like I should be doing more. Heck, the fact that I'm not completely over the repeated colds and I have persistent back aches because my bed kinda sucks is working against me too.
And yet, I keep finding myself saying "My arms and legs work. I should be doing more. I'm not so sick that I'm laid up in bed. I should have the apartment clean. I should have dinner on the table every evening at the same time, to keep the kids and I on a healthy eating schedule." The list goes on. I get so tired. Just trying to ignore this repeating loop in my head that says I should be doing more because my limbs are functional. I feel so guilty that I don't have the emotional reserves or the mental capacity to go out and do more. I have such a problem with my anxiety that I'm on multiple medications for it. And I meditate, drink green tea, and do all that other self care stuff. But I still can't manage being out for the day doing stuff.
Going to spinning group is exhausting and I found out the hard way recently that going shopping immediately after sets off a panic attack. Going to have fun with some friends (which does not involve 100+ people like spinning guild), I need the next day to recover because I have pretty severe mood drop afterwards. Never mind all the anxiety about going. Somewhere in the process, I cross a threshold and I either am present and enjoy myself or I am half dissociated. Spinning guild usually has me half dissociated. But most people can't tell when I'm not fully there because I go from anxious introvert to cheerful extrovert. It's a coping mechanism I developed to hide when I dissociate. Because in the past, dissociating in public was dangerous and I had to mask it.
My past was pretty bad. Life completely turned around when Beloved took me out on our first date. It didn't really show how much it changed until years down the road. But suddenly, I had somewhere truly safe. I had someone who loved me unconditionally and I didn't ever question if it was some kind of warped game. None of the conditioning applied there. With him, I am free. At one point, I had some arm chair psychiatrist try to tell me that I was in a co-dependent relationship and that it was unhealthy for me. I laughed in their face and told them that they had no idea what they were talking about.
Being reasonable, I completely comprehend that I need to ease back into my daily routine. I am not happy about it, though. I want to just get back to doing the things that I had been before I got sick. I want to get back to walking a half mile at least three days a week. I want to get back to doing yoga and my back exercises every morning (even adding in some yoga in the evening too, because it really helps with the arthritis). I want to get back to my prodigious writing output and finish a couple of manuscripts.
But, here I am struggling to get a few blog posts and household chores done. I know the problem is depression. I know that arthritis makes it painful for me to exercise, especially out in the cold weather. But even the 15 minute indoor exercise routine I have was too much for me. I feel extra achey and stiff today. I am trying to stay on top of it all, but I'm not doing that great. I'm very frustrated because I feel like I should be doing more. Heck, the fact that I'm not completely over the repeated colds and I have persistent back aches because my bed kinda sucks is working against me too.
And yet, I keep finding myself saying "My arms and legs work. I should be doing more. I'm not so sick that I'm laid up in bed. I should have the apartment clean. I should have dinner on the table every evening at the same time, to keep the kids and I on a healthy eating schedule." The list goes on. I get so tired. Just trying to ignore this repeating loop in my head that says I should be doing more because my limbs are functional. I feel so guilty that I don't have the emotional reserves or the mental capacity to go out and do more. I have such a problem with my anxiety that I'm on multiple medications for it. And I meditate, drink green tea, and do all that other self care stuff. But I still can't manage being out for the day doing stuff.
Going to spinning group is exhausting and I found out the hard way recently that going shopping immediately after sets off a panic attack. Going to have fun with some friends (which does not involve 100+ people like spinning guild), I need the next day to recover because I have pretty severe mood drop afterwards. Never mind all the anxiety about going. Somewhere in the process, I cross a threshold and I either am present and enjoy myself or I am half dissociated. Spinning guild usually has me half dissociated. But most people can't tell when I'm not fully there because I go from anxious introvert to cheerful extrovert. It's a coping mechanism I developed to hide when I dissociate. Because in the past, dissociating in public was dangerous and I had to mask it.
My past was pretty bad. Life completely turned around when Beloved took me out on our first date. It didn't really show how much it changed until years down the road. But suddenly, I had somewhere truly safe. I had someone who loved me unconditionally and I didn't ever question if it was some kind of warped game. None of the conditioning applied there. With him, I am free. At one point, I had some arm chair psychiatrist try to tell me that I was in a co-dependent relationship and that it was unhealthy for me. I laughed in their face and told them that they had no idea what they were talking about.
Monday, January 01, 2018
Monday Menu
The plan this week is to use up leftovers and make comfort food. The easy cassoulette recipe came from Better Homes and Gardens' Casserole Recipes cookbook from the 70s. It has a bunch of recipes that I still will use, despite growing up eating some of the less awesome ones. The only alteration I made to that recipe was I used bacon instead of ham in it and my sausage used was bulk, hot italian sausage. I didn't put any wine in because I didn't have any to use. Beloved really enjoyed it. The kids were suspicious because it wasn't pizza.
| Date | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sun | eggs, hash & toast |
Sandwiches | Easy cassoulette greens & corn bread |
| Mon | Scrambled eggs & toast |
leftovers | roast chicken, cheesy potatoes peas |
| Tues | cereal w/ milk & fruit |
Kids - School Beloved - indian leftovers with naan Me - Salad & soup |
hamburgers w/ fixings carrot salad |
| Wed | waffles w/ milk & fruit |
Kids - School Beloved - egg salad sand. chips & trail mix Me: chicken salad w/ lettuce |
scalloped potato & ham bake w/ salad |
| Thurs | Cereal w/ milk & fruit |
Kids - School Beloved - ham salad sandwich & chips me - leftovers |
chili, corn bread & carrot sticks |
| Fri | Eggs / waffles |
Kids - School Beloved - leftovers Me - leftovers |
pork jalfrezi w/ rice cucumber, celery & carrot salad |
| Sat | Eggs & hash |
Leftovers / salads |
meatloaf baked potatoes mixed veggies |
Sunday, December 31, 2017
g'bye 2017
The year ends just as it began, with me sick as a dog. And depressed. At least, I have a much better care team now on the psychiatric stuff and this time I haven't landed my butt in the hospital because I've been that sick.
My mp3 player is dead. I thought it was a balled up handkerchief when I was putting laundry into bags. It went through the wash. It is now a wee little paper weight. I'm really disappointed with myself over this. I suppose this is why Flamehair basically dropped an mp3 player that was on clearance into my lap as I was shopping today. I didn't get it because I said to myself "I can play music on my phone and I've already got an mp3 player that's charging at home." Little did I know that the mp3 player is non functional. But, I still have Spotify on my phone, so I'm good.
I made something to send off 2017. It summarizes my feelings pretty well, to be honest.
My mp3 player is dead. I thought it was a balled up handkerchief when I was putting laundry into bags. It went through the wash. It is now a wee little paper weight. I'm really disappointed with myself over this. I suppose this is why Flamehair basically dropped an mp3 player that was on clearance into my lap as I was shopping today. I didn't get it because I said to myself "I can play music on my phone and I've already got an mp3 player that's charging at home." Little did I know that the mp3 player is non functional. But, I still have Spotify on my phone, so I'm good.
I made something to send off 2017. It summarizes my feelings pretty well, to be honest.
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Mother's Night & stuff.
So, the celebration of Yule has been pushed to the 25th. As such, Mother's Night is being observed tonight. Due to my being sick, I'm not going to keep vigil, but I will have an electric candle as a 'witness' through the night until sunrise. I have made it a cute little stand that looks like a squared off sun, kinda like what my kids draw on their pictures. It was a case of recycling a plastic ring from a juice bottle and using the last bit of some yellow yarn. It was just the right size for an electric tea light candle to sit on and look pretty.
It is official, everyone in the apartment has this stupid chest cold. Beloved declared he has a 'tickle at the back of his throat' and was extra tired earlier. That's how this damn thing begins. Cuddle Bear is pretty much over it. He is also on the tail end of his ear drops for swimmer's ear. He has been more active and vocal over the last several days. Which makes it clear that he feels a lot better. Snuggle Bug, on the other hand, is just coming down with this chest cold and has reached the point of that deep chesty cough. No fever so far, but that has been my day. Deep chesty cough, fever, and this swinging back and forth between sweating horribly and feeling like I'm freezing. It has been unpleasant.
I couldn't wait, I gave Reaction Guy to Beloved. He started cracking up. I am glad he loved it. Tomorrow is going to be fun, despite being sick, because we managed to make some awesome stuff happen for Yule due to the help of some generous people. I also finished all of my crafting for the year today.
Year's crafting was:
Blue bag for Beloved's birthday
Finishing Beloved's sweater vest from last year
Shawl for niece
A bunch of baby hats for the NICU at Golisano Hospital
Wool rug for MiL
Lap blanket for Bro in Law #2
Gifts for people over the year (I forget because I didn't take detailed notes.)
Doll layette set
Child sized circle vest
Adult sized circle vest
Altar cloth
Jar shrine for Cuddle Bear (Zeus shrine)
Rag rug for Bro in Law #1
Car throw for Sis in Law #1
Planner for Beloved
It is official, everyone in the apartment has this stupid chest cold. Beloved declared he has a 'tickle at the back of his throat' and was extra tired earlier. That's how this damn thing begins. Cuddle Bear is pretty much over it. He is also on the tail end of his ear drops for swimmer's ear. He has been more active and vocal over the last several days. Which makes it clear that he feels a lot better. Snuggle Bug, on the other hand, is just coming down with this chest cold and has reached the point of that deep chesty cough. No fever so far, but that has been my day. Deep chesty cough, fever, and this swinging back and forth between sweating horribly and feeling like I'm freezing. It has been unpleasant.
I couldn't wait, I gave Reaction Guy to Beloved. He started cracking up. I am glad he loved it. Tomorrow is going to be fun, despite being sick, because we managed to make some awesome stuff happen for Yule due to the help of some generous people. I also finished all of my crafting for the year today.
Year's crafting was:
Blue bag for Beloved's birthday
Finishing Beloved's sweater vest from last year
Shawl for niece
A bunch of baby hats for the NICU at Golisano Hospital
Wool rug for MiL
Lap blanket for Bro in Law #2
Gifts for people over the year (I forget because I didn't take detailed notes.)
Doll layette set
Child sized circle vest
Adult sized circle vest
Altar cloth
Jar shrine for Cuddle Bear (Zeus shrine)
Rag rug for Bro in Law #1
Car throw for Sis in Law #1
Planner for Beloved
Friday, December 22, 2017
Reaction guy thing.
I'm making stuff for people at the last minute. Because someone I know tends to have two reactions at work, I made them a peg doll I call reaction guy. Great for constant interruptions.The top image is the LOLWUT? reaction. The bottom image is the NO!! FU! reaction. I'm pretty sure the recipient is going to laugh their ass off over this. It is all drawn SO badly. But it adds to the humor of it.
In other news, I'm sick as a dog right now. I caught the kid's cold and I feel pretty awful. We haven't decorated for yule because this place is a disaster. I'm sticking with the line I drew in the sand: no decorating until this place is clean. I'm exhausted. I'm going to go work on my scrap granny square. I'm almost down to the bottom of my basket of scrap balls of yarn. It is a task that doesn't require too much thought and if I fall asleep in the middle, I don't feel too badly about it.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Buffalo Ranch Chicken salad.
It has been a long day. The evening is proving aggravating. This calls for easily made comfort food. Since I didn't have the stuff to make the chicken salad with the cranberries and almonds that I liked from Aldi's, I did the next best thing. I made Buffalo Ranch chicken salad from stuff I had on hand. To be honest, I think it came out pretty well.
I used one can of chicken breast (drained). I added a 1/2 cup of mayonnaise and one scallion cut fine. I then put in the last of my bottle of semi-homemade ranch dressing, I guess it was about two tablespoons. I estimate I added an equivalent amount of Sirachca (however you spell it) and a teaspoon of celery flakes. I think it came out ok. We'll see what Beloved thinks of it.
In the meantime, I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee and try not to think about the holidays and stuff. Because it is proving stressful and I'm about ready to just scream at the kids because they're screwing around instead of picking stuff up as they should be. And I'm just done with it. Today is the second day in as many weeks that I had to sit down and sort stuff out so that it could get put away. I'm sorely tempted to just start throwing away every toy I step on. And we haven't managed to get anything actually cleaned up yet.
If things continue at this rate, we're not decorating for Yule or really doing anything fun. We'll just be attempting to get shit cleaned up every damn day. And then they'll get a mess of toys and it'll be an even bigger disaster. I may be in a pessimistic mood right now. It's been a rough couple of days for me mental health wise.
I used one can of chicken breast (drained). I added a 1/2 cup of mayonnaise and one scallion cut fine. I then put in the last of my bottle of semi-homemade ranch dressing, I guess it was about two tablespoons. I estimate I added an equivalent amount of Sirachca (however you spell it) and a teaspoon of celery flakes. I think it came out ok. We'll see what Beloved thinks of it.
In the meantime, I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee and try not to think about the holidays and stuff. Because it is proving stressful and I'm about ready to just scream at the kids because they're screwing around instead of picking stuff up as they should be. And I'm just done with it. Today is the second day in as many weeks that I had to sit down and sort stuff out so that it could get put away. I'm sorely tempted to just start throwing away every toy I step on. And we haven't managed to get anything actually cleaned up yet.
If things continue at this rate, we're not decorating for Yule or really doing anything fun. We'll just be attempting to get shit cleaned up every damn day. And then they'll get a mess of toys and it'll be an even bigger disaster. I may be in a pessimistic mood right now. It's been a rough couple of days for me mental health wise.
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Feelings are messy.
So, I've been sick most of the month. It started with a cold. Then there was a norovirus (I'm pretty sure it was one, I had the same stomach issues that I did last time I caught one.) that lasted for about two weeks. A few days after I was over that, I caught the flu. Again with stomach unhappiness. On top of all of that, we're still adjusting my medications and I'm dealing with seasonal affective disorder along side my other mental health fun. (Fun being said in the greatest of sarcastic tones.)On top of all of this, the feelings of rejection are really hard. I am getting ahead of myself, however. I have a cocktail of mental health problems that have made my life challenging for years. It's been rough and I struggle with the fact that I am disabled due to it all. It is also hard for me to accept how it has effected the lives of people around me. Especially the negative effects.
It was painful and, looking back, necessary to get that diagnosis. It was, however, probably one of the most dehumanizing experiences I have had in my life thus far.
I reluctantly accepted that my childhood wasn't healthy at that time. Having more life experience under my belt and coming to realize that how I was raised wasn't "normal" lead to my butting heads with my parents. This made life in my parents' house problematic and I lived in fear of getting thrown out after a few confrontations. So, I went back to silent mode and did my best to get through college before they decided I was too much of a pain to deal with.
Cut to a year after I had graduated and I was struggling with my health. I lost my job because of health related absences. (I'm pretty sure it was illegal, but I was a broke college grad who had no means of reliable income to even think about suing the call center. And, honestly, at the time I was more concerned about what was going on with my health. Having asthma attacks so bad that you wind up leaving work in an ambulance is worse than losing said job after that ambulance ride.) A few days after I got fired from that job, my parents kicked me out. They said it was because I needed the life experience.
Fortunately, my grandparents had a rental property that I could stay in. My rent was based on keeping the place in decent condition which translated to cutting the grass and keeping things clean. Unfortunately, the location really had nothing for work and I relied on a part time retail job, food stamps, the generosity of my fiancee and my grandparents. My parents were outraged by this. That year was nothing but a mess on so many fronts. It's still hard to talk about it. But, aside from learning that my bout of near penumonia at college left me with scarring in my lungs, I had undiagnosed asthma, and developed a dangerous allergy to ibuprofen, I think the biggest transition I passed through was the realization that I had past trauma from when I was small and that my parents really weren't on my side.
The wedding planning was a fiasco in many ways that turned out well in spite of failures that happened. I have a lot of anger surrounding that. My husband and his family were awesome. My side of the family showed their true colors in a way that didn't fully hit me until years later. (For example, Mom and Dad took issue with the fact that I wanted to wear a dress that wasn't white, but Mom showed up at the wedding wearing a black sequined knock off evening gown. Black is worn to show disapproval of the union, if you're going by the same rules that said a bride must always where white.)
The years after I got married, I was busy with my own marriage and all the stuff that went together with being an adult living their own life. I got a lot of grief from my side of the family for not being around. There was some sense of insult over the fact that when I was unable to do something my husband went in my place to handle it. Apparently, they felt he wasn't good enough and I was too lazy. That sort of backhanded hostility has marked the entirety of my relationship with my parents and siblings (and some of the extended family as well). It has left me feeling like I wasn't wanted and a burden.
I also noticed a distinct pattern. I was supposed to go to them. They didn't come to visit me. They didn't call me to say hi or invite me over. I was supposed to court their good favor and be at their beck and call, regardless of what ever I had going on in my life. When I didn't do so, the reasons I had for not being there were never good enough for them. It didn't matter if I was sick to my stomach, I should have showed up to babysit. It didn't matter if I didn't know there was a big family dinner going on, I should have just shown up with precognitive awareness such a thing was happening.
I stopped talking to them after my second son was born because of insane behavior and outrageous threats that my mother had made to me. I called her on it. I made my father aware of it. And I was rejected by him because he said that "sometimes parents say things you don't like to make a point." So, I stopped talking to my parents for about five years. As I was concerned about my Mom creating a scene or doing something hurtful, I didn't go to annual family gatherings like the 4th of July party, Thanksgiving, or Christmas dinner.
Then I got the message from the dead family (because I really am psychic) that I was needed by the whole family. So I reached out to my parents (I had maintained contact with my grandparents the whole time.) and a week later came the cancer diagnosis for my grandfather. It was a long and painful year. Two years later, a few moths shy of my grandfather's death from cancer, my grandmother died. After that, I stuck around for my eldest niece to graduate high school and go off into the world.
I had thought that I was going to try to stay in contact with my side of the family beyond my nieces and an aunt. Then I got sick. I was really, really sick for months. When the holiday gatherings came up, I didn't attend and informed them that I was ill. They never called to see if I was well. They never sent me a letter.
That was when the decision to walk away crystallized. It's been a year. My maternal grandmother stopped writing me since I hadn't written her back. The last few letters were passive aggressive demands that I make nice with my parents because they were the only parents I have and it would make me feel better. I didn't write back a because those passive aggressive guilt trips had been coming in the mail attached to pretty much every other form of correspondence. It was when it was tucked in with one of the kids' birthday cards that I finalized that decision to go no contact.
It was my decision to walk away. I did it for my mental health. I did it to protect myself and my family from the toxic influence of problematic people whom I happen to be related to. It still hurts that they never bothered to call me. It still hurts that they rejected me with their silence. I never wanted this. I know that they tell each other that I only come around when I want something. They tell each other that I'm the broken one and I'm a coward. These are things they've been telling each other and me for as long as I have been alive. They're not saying it to me now, but I can still almost hear it.
And it hurts.
I kept silent about all of this because I was worried that my Mom was reading my blog here. I was ashamed of my failed relationship with them. Today, however, is a new day. And my self respect demands that I lay my cards on the table. I'm not going to tolerate emotional abuse, slander, or gaslighting. I had enough of that in the years before now. Aside from the holidays being hard and various points during the year when trauma anniversaries popup, I'm healthier now than I ever was dealing with them. I am going to continue to grow and thrive, even if I am disabled, because I'm not letting them hurt me anymore.
And, Mom or any of my other relatives reading this, I'm not answering the phone for you unless you're on the short list. And the people on the short list know who they are. And I'm going to block comments and other social media escapades from you as well, because you're unhealthy for me. It is you, not me. And I'm not apologizing for this.
Menu week of 11/27/17
Here's the menu for my place this week. 95% of it is using up leftovers from last week's meals.
Date
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Sun
Donuts
Sandwiches
Naan Pizzas
Mon
Scrambled
eggs &
toast
Kids - School
Beloved- Peanut
noodle leftovers
Me - soup & salad
Hamburgers,
carrot salad
Tues
Poptarts
& fruit
Kids - School
Beloved - beans &
rice leftovers
Me - Salad & soup
Tacos w/
fixings &
mexican rice
Wed
Scrambled
eggs &
toast
Kids - School
Beloved - burrito
bowl & hard boiled
egg
Me: taco salad
Baked ham
mashed
potatoes
peas
Thurs
Cereal /
pop-tarts
Kids - School
Beloved - ham sandwich
& chips
me - mac & cheese w/
ham
Southwest
MooShu
Chicken wraps
with pork fried
rice
Fri
Eggs /
pancakes
Kids - School
Beloved - leftovers
Me - leftovers
Pork korma
quinoa
tossed salad
naan
Sat
Eggs &
hash
Leftovers /
salads
Spaghetti &
meatballs
eggs &
toast
Beloved- Peanut
noodle leftovers
Me - soup & salad
carrot salad
& fruit
Beloved - beans &
rice leftovers
Me - Salad & soup
fixings &
mexican rice
eggs &
toast
Beloved - burrito
bowl & hard boiled
egg
Me: taco salad
mashed
potatoes
peas
pop-tarts
Beloved - ham sandwich
& chips
me - mac & cheese w/
ham
MooShu
Chicken wraps
with pork fried
rice
pancakes
Beloved - leftovers
Me - leftovers
quinoa
tossed salad
naan
hash
salads
meatballs
Monday, November 27, 2017
Na-NOPE.
So, I'm just done. I am frustrated with my NaNoWriMo project. And there's no way I can make up twenty something posts in a few days with out being annoying for the NaBloPoMo thing this month. I'm tired of feeling like I have failed some how. I have made the executive decision to set this stuff aside and focus on getting things that make me feel better done instead. And finishing off Yule preparations.
While I don't have the 12 days of Yule stuff done up for Beloved, I have a pretty good start on something for the kids. I'm trying to decide what awesomeness I am going to whip together to finish off the pile of small Yule gifts. The most frustrating part of all of the gifts is not going to be wrapping. It is going to be final assembly on two gifts. One is made of small parts to be sewn together. The other is a bunch of small parts to be drawn and such. At least I know that I've got the stamina for that detail work. LOL
While I don't have the 12 days of Yule stuff done up for Beloved, I have a pretty good start on something for the kids. I'm trying to decide what awesomeness I am going to whip together to finish off the pile of small Yule gifts. The most frustrating part of all of the gifts is not going to be wrapping. It is going to be final assembly on two gifts. One is made of small parts to be sewn together. The other is a bunch of small parts to be drawn and such. At least I know that I've got the stamina for that detail work. LOL
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Incoming Sarcasm, be advised.
So, I'm finally over the cold I had at the beginning of the month, the gastro-intestinal bug that hit after that, and the flu. That was great fun. I got a lot of stuff done. It was mostly hacking up gross stuff and feeling like death on toast. I attempted housework. It didn't work out so great. And I attempted to write a novel.
Said novel is in a notebook sitting on the desk across the room from me right now. I have been struggling for the last hour to summon up the mental energy to work on it. It is hard to do because I feel like it is garbage. I feel like NaNoWriMo has defeated me for a second year. A part of me says I should just give up on writing books because of it. My mood isn't too great at the moment because I feel kinda like a failure for not completing this thing.
I'm attempting to get past all of the horrible stuff I keep seeing in the news. It is really upsetting me to keep reading about things like people murdering transgendered people, gay people, and persons of color because they're there. And the relative impunity of said actions is part of what I find particularly distressing. The deceased could be people whom I love dearly. I see these news reports and I want to cry, scream, and burn everything down all at the same time. I find myself afraid of what these people would do to my children simply because they're autistic. (Because there are quite a few people out in the world who seem to think that autism is something that means you should just be dead. Same people have similar feelings about people with mental illness and disabilities that are not visible.)
I am struggling to be social because my social phobia is acting up pretty bad right now. I tell myself it is because it is the holidays and I made the mistake of going to the local wally world this Saturday. I'm not so sure though. I have an appointment coming up soon with my psychiatrist. I'll be bringing this up when I see him. I need to make an appointment to see the psychologist he has on staff, but my anxiety keeps getting in my way. It's really upsetting. It is getting in the way of doing other things that are necessary, like applying for disability or whatever it is that I qualify for because I'm disabled.
It's just been a rough November. And the grief of the deaths of my paternal grandparents has been hitting me pretty hard. All in all, I'm looking forward to January so that I can just put this time of year behind me and pretend it doesn't exist. The 'holiday spirit' just doesn't happen for me anymore. I feel badly about this because my kids get so excited and happy. And I just can't get into it. It make me feel like I'm broken or something. Because I'm not happy when everyone else around me seems to be.
So, yeah, this was a *great* November. And I've got five days left to screw it up still. Oh joy.
Said novel is in a notebook sitting on the desk across the room from me right now. I have been struggling for the last hour to summon up the mental energy to work on it. It is hard to do because I feel like it is garbage. I feel like NaNoWriMo has defeated me for a second year. A part of me says I should just give up on writing books because of it. My mood isn't too great at the moment because I feel kinda like a failure for not completing this thing.
I'm attempting to get past all of the horrible stuff I keep seeing in the news. It is really upsetting me to keep reading about things like people murdering transgendered people, gay people, and persons of color because they're there. And the relative impunity of said actions is part of what I find particularly distressing. The deceased could be people whom I love dearly. I see these news reports and I want to cry, scream, and burn everything down all at the same time. I find myself afraid of what these people would do to my children simply because they're autistic. (Because there are quite a few people out in the world who seem to think that autism is something that means you should just be dead. Same people have similar feelings about people with mental illness and disabilities that are not visible.)
I am struggling to be social because my social phobia is acting up pretty bad right now. I tell myself it is because it is the holidays and I made the mistake of going to the local wally world this Saturday. I'm not so sure though. I have an appointment coming up soon with my psychiatrist. I'll be bringing this up when I see him. I need to make an appointment to see the psychologist he has on staff, but my anxiety keeps getting in my way. It's really upsetting. It is getting in the way of doing other things that are necessary, like applying for disability or whatever it is that I qualify for because I'm disabled.
It's just been a rough November. And the grief of the deaths of my paternal grandparents has been hitting me pretty hard. All in all, I'm looking forward to January so that I can just put this time of year behind me and pretend it doesn't exist. The 'holiday spirit' just doesn't happen for me anymore. I feel badly about this because my kids get so excited and happy. And I just can't get into it. It make me feel like I'm broken or something. Because I'm not happy when everyone else around me seems to be.
So, yeah, this was a *great* November. And I've got five days left to screw it up still. Oh joy.
Friday, November 03, 2017
NaBloPoMo Post 2: Ugh, rain.
It is right now raining. Fortunately, the roof is not leaking. It was the one repair that the landlord made sure got done. I'm still trying to get the guy to fix the bathroom sink. It's been over a year now that I've been trying to get it fixed. I think we've gone through three plumbers. Honestly, I'm tempted to say fuck it all and fix it myself.
My shoulder is killing me right now. But my head is not because I found out I could take Sudafed. It's amazing what that stuff can do for a terrible headache when you've got a head cold. Now I'm just trying to rest and get some writing done. Aside from that, make the menu for next week and write up my planner (including the grocery list) are on my list of stuff to get done today. And one well earned long, hot shower. I think the last of the blue hair dye is going to wash out today. I'm a little sad but I'm going to be bleaching my hair in the not too distant future to do this all again and actually have it show up. Because apparently my hair is far darker than I thought it was. Though the grey REALLY stands out right now.
My shoulder is killing me right now. But my head is not because I found out I could take Sudafed. It's amazing what that stuff can do for a terrible headache when you've got a head cold. Now I'm just trying to rest and get some writing done. Aside from that, make the menu for next week and write up my planner (including the grocery list) are on my list of stuff to get done today. And one well earned long, hot shower. I think the last of the blue hair dye is going to wash out today. I'm a little sad but I'm going to be bleaching my hair in the not too distant future to do this all again and actually have it show up. Because apparently my hair is far darker than I thought it was. Though the grey REALLY stands out right now.
Thursday, November 02, 2017
NaBloPoMo 1: Sick, again.
While my head is killing me and I have an intermittent fever. So, as the meme says, I need a bigger NOPE. I want to get stuff done, dammit.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Feeling are not facts.
I feel terrible. I am not a terrible person. I feel depressed. My life is actually going more or less ok. I feel worthless. I am an invaluable part of my household. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, that I have not earned the privilege. Everyone deserves to be loved. It is not a privilege, it is a basic necessity for life.
This list goes on and on.
I'm fighting myself pretty hard today. It is exhausting. I find myself swinging somewhere between utter apathetic despair that I am going to be like this for the rest of my days and absolute grief for the horrors happening in the world, for the things I've lost in my life due to Bipolar, and for all the potential that could have happened between me and people who are just not healthy for me to be around.
And I hurt, very, very deeply.
A part of me wants to give up on everything writing related because nothing will ever be good enough. Another part of me says that if I give up, I will lose another vital part of myself and this is committing slow suicide.
Good thing I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, though I am dreading this appointment. And my PTSD has been in high gear for various reasons. I'm exhausted but sleep doesn't help with this form of exhaustion. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. If nothing, I am stubborn.
This list goes on and on.
I'm fighting myself pretty hard today. It is exhausting. I find myself swinging somewhere between utter apathetic despair that I am going to be like this for the rest of my days and absolute grief for the horrors happening in the world, for the things I've lost in my life due to Bipolar, and for all the potential that could have happened between me and people who are just not healthy for me to be around.
And I hurt, very, very deeply.
A part of me wants to give up on everything writing related because nothing will ever be good enough. Another part of me says that if I give up, I will lose another vital part of myself and this is committing slow suicide.
Good thing I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, though I am dreading this appointment. And my PTSD has been in high gear for various reasons. I'm exhausted but sleep doesn't help with this form of exhaustion. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. If nothing, I am stubborn.
Monday, October 23, 2017
Menu week of 10/22/17
I'm working on pre-cooking some things for the week. I found a recipe for how to make a big batch of scrambled eggs in the oven. I'm going to be starting on that in a few minutes. I will be cooking up a small beef roast tomorrow in the crock-pot to be used in making pulled beef for enchiladas tomorrow evening. I'm also going to store some of that pulled beef in the freezer for another dinner on another night. The guys all seemed to enjoy bbq pulled beef last week. (I was going to make the pork roast and discovered it had gone bad in the time I thawed it to when I was going to cook it, a few days later. Thus, I pulled out the beef roast and cooked it.)
The teriyaki meatballs are going to be made with Grandma K.'s recipe. The stuff using ready made meatballs and teriyaki marinade is ok. But Grandma's version is better. So, I'm going to make a big pan of meatballs and save some for later. I also have a partial bag of meatballs from the store that I'm going to use on Saturday in the spaghetti. At some point during the week, I will be making spaghetti sauce. Ever since I got the 1.5L crock-pot, I've been making things like soup stock and sauces. The salsa came out a little too salty, but I think I can fix that by cutting the half batch I have in the freezer with a can of crushed tomatoes. I have been using the McCormick spaghetti sauce spices with crushed tomatoes to make spaghetti sauce. It came out really well and made dinner last Saturday a lot easier.
I'm beginning to think that pre-cooking things for the week may be a habit that I want to cultivate. I still have to finish cooking down my chicken stock. But, as I work at it, my plan is to turn that into the base for a pot of perpetual soup over the next several months. Stealing an idea from generations before me and what not. End results of the change I have made thus far in how I handle how much I am cooking has helped me cut down on food waste and how much we spend at the grocery store.
The teriyaki meatballs are going to be made with Grandma K.'s recipe. The stuff using ready made meatballs and teriyaki marinade is ok. But Grandma's version is better. So, I'm going to make a big pan of meatballs and save some for later. I also have a partial bag of meatballs from the store that I'm going to use on Saturday in the spaghetti. At some point during the week, I will be making spaghetti sauce. Ever since I got the 1.5L crock-pot, I've been making things like soup stock and sauces. The salsa came out a little too salty, but I think I can fix that by cutting the half batch I have in the freezer with a can of crushed tomatoes. I have been using the McCormick spaghetti sauce spices with crushed tomatoes to make spaghetti sauce. It came out really well and made dinner last Saturday a lot easier.
I'm beginning to think that pre-cooking things for the week may be a habit that I want to cultivate. I still have to finish cooking down my chicken stock. But, as I work at it, my plan is to turn that into the base for a pot of perpetual soup over the next several months. Stealing an idea from generations before me and what not. End results of the change I have made thus far in how I handle how much I am cooking has helped me cut down on food waste and how much we spend at the grocery store.
| Date | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sun | Eggs & kale / donuts |
Sandwiches | Naan Pizzas |
| Mon | Pop-tarts & donuts |
Kids - School Beloved- Spaghetti Me - spring rolls |
Hamburgers, carrot salad |
| Tues | Cereal | Kids - School Beloved - Turkey sandwich & chips Me - Salad |
Beef enchiladas with beans & rice (tossed salad?) |
| Wed | Eggs / Pancakes |
Kids - School Beloved - burrito bowl & hard boiled egg Me: taco salad |
Sweet & sour pork roast with quinoa and garlic green beans |
| Thurs | Cereal / pop-tarts |
Kids - School Beloved - cuban sandwich & chips me - bbq pulled pork with mac & cheese (non-dairy) |
Teriyaki meatballs pad thai & Thai chicken coconut soup (peanut noodles for kids) |
| Fri | Eggs / pancakes |
Kids - School Beloved - leftovers Me - leftovers |
Sloppy joes with biscuits & tossed salad |
| Sat | Eggs & hash |
Leftovers / salads |
Spaghetti & meatballs |
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Menu week of 10/15/17
Hi there,
It's been kinda busy over here. I'm trying to stay on top of stuff. It's a bit hard, because it seems like everything is happening all at once. That said, here is the menu for this week. I changed things up on Sunday and yesterday. Sunday was roast chicken. Because I really wanted to have roast chicken. And yesterday I was out of spoons early on. So I had Beloved pick us up some takeout while the kids had their favorite sandwiches and some chips.
Lunch has become less complicated with how the school lunch thing is getting back into the swing of it all. (There was a hiccup because I filled out the form incorrectly and added an extra zero. This has been resolved and the boys are back on the free lunch program.) I'm not going to post yesterday and Sunday's menus. Because we're done with that. But here is the remainder of the week:
It's been kinda busy over here. I'm trying to stay on top of stuff. It's a bit hard, because it seems like everything is happening all at once. That said, here is the menu for this week. I changed things up on Sunday and yesterday. Sunday was roast chicken. Because I really wanted to have roast chicken. And yesterday I was out of spoons early on. So I had Beloved pick us up some takeout while the kids had their favorite sandwiches and some chips.
Lunch has become less complicated with how the school lunch thing is getting back into the swing of it all. (There was a hiccup because I filled out the form incorrectly and added an extra zero. This has been resolved and the boys are back on the free lunch program.) I'm not going to post yesterday and Sunday's menus. Because we're done with that. But here is the remainder of the week:
| Day | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mon | --- | --- | --- |
| Tues | Cereal | leftovers / chili w/ biscuit / school lunch |
tacos, salad, & mexican rice |
| Wed | Pop-tarts | Leftovers/ salad | sweet & sour pork roast w/ rice & salad |
| Thurs | Eggs | Turkey sandwich w/ chips / chicken salad wrap & veggies |
pulled pork mashed potatoes broccoli |
| Fri | Cereal | Turkey sandwich w/ chips / leftovers |
chicken korma w/ rice & veggies |
| Sat | Eggs & bacon |
Leftovers/ Sandwiches |
spaghetti & meatballs |
| Sun | Eggs & hash |
Leftovers | Pizza |
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Diet & Healthy Food Stuff.
Be forewarned, this post is really heavy on the picture content.
It has been quite a while since I updated anything. I keep emailing myself pictures of things I've made for dinner and then forgetting to put them up anywhere. So, in keeping with today's theme of housekeeping and managing paperwork, I am going to try to get blog work done too. (After this post, I'm going to go wash some dishes to be followed by a post on one of my other blogs. Because blogging makes a good reward after doing dishes.) I have been gradually switching my diet to something more vegetarian-ish. I have also been in the process of cutting carbohydrates out and getting rid of dairy. (Discovering that one of the sources of my stomach related misery was diary made me sad, but I'll live.)
For some reason, the picture of this meal didn't send. I had beet noodles (made using a Vegetti spiral cutter) that I sauteed with summer squash (also cut with the spiral cutter), cashews, and spinach. I then topped it with some goat cheese. Along side, I had 3 bean chili with textured vegetable protein crumbles that were seasoned like taco meat. Alas, the chili was a loss and the goat cheese made my stomach unhappy later - though it tasted amazing.
This was kale along side grilled chicken in chicken paprikash with yellow sweet bell pepper in it on noodles cut from summer squash. The high diary content wasn't great for my lactose intolerance, but this was the meal I had shortly before the proverbial penny dropped and I realized what part of my problem was.
The day that I had this for dinner, I had a relatively low carbohydrate meals for most of the day. Breakfast has been a bowl of cereal with some dehydrated fruit thrown on top of it (usually dehydrated strawberries) and a cup of coffee on the side. Lunch is usually a salad of some sort.
I am finding that I really enjoy kale in pretty much anything I can get my hands on. I also have been really enjoying beets. My preference has been for pickled beets, but since I started taking Agestin, I have been all about pickles of pretty much any form. Direct result of this is that pickles have been a regular between meal snack.
Zucchini cut into 'ribbons' with my vegetable peeler comes pretty close to fettuccine. I had this with alfredo sauce on it. I then threw italian seasoning and red pepper flakes on top. It was ah-mazing. I highly recommend it. Because I was basically having nothing but a whole zucchini for dinner, I didn't add anything else to this meal for myself.
Dinner that night for the guys was spaghetti and meatballs.
This night, the guys had sandwiches. It was oppressively hot that day and I just didn't have the will to heat up the kitchen to cook burgers as I had planned. So, I broke out the flatbread that I picked up at Aldi's and then put a combination of romaine lettuce, bagged salad remnants, hummus, and tuna salad on there. Next time, I think I'm going to use a little less filling for the wrap.
Now, with the diet changes that I have made, I am allowing myself more than one wrap if I am super hungry. My thinking is that one tortilla or flatbread is pretty much the equivalent of a single slice of bread. Thus, two slices of bread worth of carbs is not going to be a big problem.
I have also been finding that romaine lettuce is a bit hard to roll up down the length of it because of that strong central rib. I am thinking about trying out using them in place of bread at some point. A friend who has gone ultra low carb and gluten free for health reasons has said they even work for hotdog buns.
My diet is not just veggies and I still allow myself tasty food. I have been making indian and chinese food a lot more often. This pic is from before I went from regular sized plates to using a salad plate for my meal. It has more carbs than I usually eat in a given meal, but it is also from right at the beginning of this diet change.
The chicken korma was fantastic. Aldi's right now has the korma simmer sauce. I don't know if it is going to be a regular part of their stock. It has been there for a few months now. I kinda hope it will be because it is delicious. I also picked up the garlic naan there as well. The spiced lentils are from a recipe that I found and put up on my Pinterest cooking page.
Of it all, the rice was probably the most basic part of the meal because it was plain. But that was because I wanted to use some of that korma sauce on it. (I love rice with sauces on it and with butter. It is something that isn't the healthiest thing for me, but it is a small vice I allow myself when I make this sort of stuff even now. I just have a smaller portion.)
It has been quite a while since I updated anything. I keep emailing myself pictures of things I've made for dinner and then forgetting to put them up anywhere. So, in keeping with today's theme of housekeeping and managing paperwork, I am going to try to get blog work done too. (After this post, I'm going to go wash some dishes to be followed by a post on one of my other blogs. Because blogging makes a good reward after doing dishes.) I have been gradually switching my diet to something more vegetarian-ish. I have also been in the process of cutting carbohydrates out and getting rid of dairy. (Discovering that one of the sources of my stomach related misery was diary made me sad, but I'll live.)
For some reason, the picture of this meal didn't send. I had beet noodles (made using a Vegetti spiral cutter) that I sauteed with summer squash (also cut with the spiral cutter), cashews, and spinach. I then topped it with some goat cheese. Along side, I had 3 bean chili with textured vegetable protein crumbles that were seasoned like taco meat. Alas, the chili was a loss and the goat cheese made my stomach unhappy later - though it tasted amazing.
The day that I had this for dinner, I had a relatively low carbohydrate meals for most of the day. Breakfast has been a bowl of cereal with some dehydrated fruit thrown on top of it (usually dehydrated strawberries) and a cup of coffee on the side. Lunch is usually a salad of some sort.
I am finding that I really enjoy kale in pretty much anything I can get my hands on. I also have been really enjoying beets. My preference has been for pickled beets, but since I started taking Agestin, I have been all about pickles of pretty much any form. Direct result of this is that pickles have been a regular between meal snack.
Dinner that night for the guys was spaghetti and meatballs.
Now, with the diet changes that I have made, I am allowing myself more than one wrap if I am super hungry. My thinking is that one tortilla or flatbread is pretty much the equivalent of a single slice of bread. Thus, two slices of bread worth of carbs is not going to be a big problem.
I have also been finding that romaine lettuce is a bit hard to roll up down the length of it because of that strong central rib. I am thinking about trying out using them in place of bread at some point. A friend who has gone ultra low carb and gluten free for health reasons has said they even work for hotdog buns.
The chicken korma was fantastic. Aldi's right now has the korma simmer sauce. I don't know if it is going to be a regular part of their stock. It has been there for a few months now. I kinda hope it will be because it is delicious. I also picked up the garlic naan there as well. The spiced lentils are from a recipe that I found and put up on my Pinterest cooking page.
Of it all, the rice was probably the most basic part of the meal because it was plain. But that was because I wanted to use some of that korma sauce on it. (I love rice with sauces on it and with butter. It is something that isn't the healthiest thing for me, but it is a small vice I allow myself when I make this sort of stuff even now. I just have a smaller portion.)
Monday, September 18, 2017
Huh.
So, it looks like Etsy suspended my account because I didn't give them a credit card to bill. I guess this means that I am going to have to take a slightly different approach to selling stuff that I have been making. I just am not sure where to start. I mean, I don't have a credit card and I am not planning on getting one just to make Etsy happy.
I have been looking things over and thinking carefully about stuff like my attempts to sell things that I have been crafting and trying to make money via Keen. I need to sit down and do an inventory of what sort of things I have to sell. I also need to sit down and make a solid business plan for Keen. I may be disabled, but I would like to have some kind of income. It is demoralizing to not be able to say 'I have this physical item for my work.' I didn't realize how big of a deal this was for me until I started taking a hard look at what manner of things trigger depressive episodes.
One of my biggest triggers is not having tangible things to hold up and say 'Behold what I have been compensated in for my work.' It looks like Keen right now is going to be my biggest option for getting some kind of income. It is really hard for me to do Keen, though, because I have really intense issues with social phobia.
Still, I think if I make a plan and stick to it, Keen will prove worthy of remaining involved with and maybe even help me get past some of my enormous social issues.
Wish me luck, I suppose.
I have been looking things over and thinking carefully about stuff like my attempts to sell things that I have been crafting and trying to make money via Keen. I need to sit down and do an inventory of what sort of things I have to sell. I also need to sit down and make a solid business plan for Keen. I may be disabled, but I would like to have some kind of income. It is demoralizing to not be able to say 'I have this physical item for my work.' I didn't realize how big of a deal this was for me until I started taking a hard look at what manner of things trigger depressive episodes.
One of my biggest triggers is not having tangible things to hold up and say 'Behold what I have been compensated in for my work.' It looks like Keen right now is going to be my biggest option for getting some kind of income. It is really hard for me to do Keen, though, because I have really intense issues with social phobia.
Still, I think if I make a plan and stick to it, Keen will prove worthy of remaining involved with and maybe even help me get past some of my enormous social issues.
Wish me luck, I suppose.
Monday, September 11, 2017
Menu for week of 9/10/17 & update
Hi again,
It has been a really busy week. School started last Wednesday. Beloved and I celebrated our anniversary last Monday. And somehow between then and now, I have been busy doing stuff like organizing everything and being cranky. I think this means I am in a mixed episode. It isn't that bad. I'm just extra cranky and extra focused on cleaning/organizing. No wild feelings that I must buy all the things. Though, I confess some annoyance that my brain is going faster than I can write at the moment. Nothing does a better job of making sure you're going to have typoes than trying to spell the word you're thinking instead of the one that is supposed to come next in the sentence.
Meals this week are a little bit easier now. The boys are doing school lunch. We qualify for the free lunch program, so this will actually be a big help. I am still packing lunches for Beloved. And I am still working on mastering the healthier lunches for myself. It became pretty clear last week that I need to stick with a low carbohydrate diet. The issue that created for me is cleared up now, but I must focus my enjoyment of carbohydrate rich foods into something done on the basis of much smaller portions than I have had in the past. I also am replacing my carbohydrate rich foods with ones that are lower in carbohydrates or completely free of them.
I tried making my own veggie burgers but it made a complete mess. I am going to eventually master how to make these things with out a ton of rice in them. Aside from that, I'm going to keep doing the veggie noodles. I am afraid that I am going to have to limit how much I can have by way of sweet potatoes and potatoes. For some reason, I thought that they were relatively ok to have instead of the wheat based pastas. I was wrong. They're better than some of the wheat pastas but just as carbohydrate laden as the others. It's tough because I want something with the same mouth feel as regular pasta. Thus, I am going with portion control. Instead of a normal dinner plate for my meals, I am using one of my fancy good china salad plates. While I do have salad plates from the everyday basic set, the fancy plate makes me feel a little better about my smaller portions because they look kinda pretty.
Here's this week's menu.
It has been a really busy week. School started last Wednesday. Beloved and I celebrated our anniversary last Monday. And somehow between then and now, I have been busy doing stuff like organizing everything and being cranky. I think this means I am in a mixed episode. It isn't that bad. I'm just extra cranky and extra focused on cleaning/organizing. No wild feelings that I must buy all the things. Though, I confess some annoyance that my brain is going faster than I can write at the moment. Nothing does a better job of making sure you're going to have typoes than trying to spell the word you're thinking instead of the one that is supposed to come next in the sentence.
Meals this week are a little bit easier now. The boys are doing school lunch. We qualify for the free lunch program, so this will actually be a big help. I am still packing lunches for Beloved. And I am still working on mastering the healthier lunches for myself. It became pretty clear last week that I need to stick with a low carbohydrate diet. The issue that created for me is cleared up now, but I must focus my enjoyment of carbohydrate rich foods into something done on the basis of much smaller portions than I have had in the past. I also am replacing my carbohydrate rich foods with ones that are lower in carbohydrates or completely free of them.
I tried making my own veggie burgers but it made a complete mess. I am going to eventually master how to make these things with out a ton of rice in them. Aside from that, I'm going to keep doing the veggie noodles. I am afraid that I am going to have to limit how much I can have by way of sweet potatoes and potatoes. For some reason, I thought that they were relatively ok to have instead of the wheat based pastas. I was wrong. They're better than some of the wheat pastas but just as carbohydrate laden as the others. It's tough because I want something with the same mouth feel as regular pasta. Thus, I am going with portion control. Instead of a normal dinner plate for my meals, I am using one of my fancy good china salad plates. While I do have salad plates from the everyday basic set, the fancy plate makes me feel a little better about my smaller portions because they look kinda pretty.
Here's this week's menu.
| Day | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mon | Eggs | Sandwiches | Hamburgers w/ fixings |
| Tues | Cereal | Spaghetti & meatballs / salad w/ hummus |
Pulled chicken enchiladas & mexican rice |
| Wed | Pop-tarts | Leftovers/ salad | BBQ Hotdogs w/ fixings, salad & chips |
| Thurs | Eggs | Turkey sandwich w/ chips / chicken salad wrap & veggies |
Spaghetti & homemade meat sauce w/ salad & garlic bread |
| Fri | Cereal | Turkey sandwich w/ chips / leftovers |
Pork chops w/ sweet potatoes & peas |
| Sat | Eggs & bacon |
Leftovers/ Sandwiches |
Roast beef w/ root veggies & broccoli |
| Sun | Eggs & hash |
Leftovers | Pizza |
Monday, September 04, 2017
Menu for the week of 9/4/17
Hi there!
Today has been a busy day. It is my wedding anniversary. We were out to lunch this afternoon and we enjoyed some quiet time as his folks watched the boys. It was really nice to just get some alone time with Beloved. Also, the new Mexican restaurant in Geneseo is pretty good. I highly recommend it. The service was excellent. The food was excellent. And the atmosphere was excellent. We also got a giggle at the random song that was playing with elements of Felix Mendelssohn's wedding march from A Midsummer's Night's Dream while we were eating. We both agreed that the coincidence had Flame-Hair's fingerprints all over it.
This week school starts up again. It makes for lunch time to be much quieter starting Wednesday during the week. I still, however, am going to make lunches for Beloved and myself, obviously. The goal is to get to where we are both eating super healthy meals. We're making good progress on that. I have been doing a reasonable job of staying on the low carb diet. It helps that I love zucchini and it is in season right now. (Gods bless the gardeners and the farmers who are sharing their bounty with the rest of us.)
Today has been a busy day. It is my wedding anniversary. We were out to lunch this afternoon and we enjoyed some quiet time as his folks watched the boys. It was really nice to just get some alone time with Beloved. Also, the new Mexican restaurant in Geneseo is pretty good. I highly recommend it. The service was excellent. The food was excellent. And the atmosphere was excellent. We also got a giggle at the random song that was playing with elements of Felix Mendelssohn's wedding march from A Midsummer's Night's Dream while we were eating. We both agreed that the coincidence had Flame-Hair's fingerprints all over it.
This week school starts up again. It makes for lunch time to be much quieter starting Wednesday during the week. I still, however, am going to make lunches for Beloved and myself, obviously. The goal is to get to where we are both eating super healthy meals. We're making good progress on that. I have been doing a reasonable job of staying on the low carb diet. It helps that I love zucchini and it is in season right now. (Gods bless the gardeners and the farmers who are sharing their bounty with the rest of us.)
| Day | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mon | Pop-Tarts | Sandwiches | Leftovers |
| Tues | Cereal | Spaghetti & meat sauce / salad & sandwiches |
BBQ beef ribs w/ salt potatoes & garlic green beans |
| Wed | Pop-tarts | Leftovers/ salad | Pulled pork w/ apple slaw |
| Thurs | Waffles | Cuban sandwich/ mac & cheese w/ pulled pork |
Tacos w/ fixings & Mexican rice |
| Fri | Cereal | Burrito bowl / taco salad |
Chicken korma w/ jasmine rice & raita |
| Sat | Eggs & bacon |
Leftovers/ Sandwiches |
Roast chicken w/ mashed potatoes & broccoli / carrots |
| Sun | Eggs & hash |
Leftovers | Pizza |
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Fiber Fluff: Miss Gus's bonnet.
 |
| My grand-dolly, Miss Gus & My pattern notebook |
Gus is a GIRL. Snuggle Bug is HIGHLY offended if you misgender Gus. Gus is also named after a friend from the bus, who is also a girl. I had a proud momma moment over this incident. So, I decided to name this after Miss Gus.
What you can't see clearly on my project notebook is the statement emblazoned on the cover. "Perfect is Boring." It's a good reminder for me to be less hyper focused on turning out perfect results.
Here's the pattern. I think I probably screwed something up in it. If you find any errors, let me know and I'll correct them.
R1: Make a magic ring. Single crochet twelve stitches into the ring. Slip stitch the final stitch of the round to the first. Chain one.
R2: Single crochet 24 stitches (one increase for each of the original 12 stitches). Slip stitch the final stitch of the round to the first. Chain two.
R3: *Half double crochet increase by 1 in first stitch, half double crochet into following stitch.* Work * in the usual fashion around the round. Slip stitch final stitch of round to first. Chain two.
R4: *Half double crochet increase by 1 in first stitch, half double crochet into each of following two stitches.* Work * in the usual fashion around the round. Slip stitch final stitch of the round to first. Chain two.
R5: Half double crochet into each stitch of the round. At final stitch, chain two and turn.
R6 - 11: repeat R5.
R12: Crab stitch across all stitches. bind off.
With DPNs, pick up 3 stitches at corner of final row. Knit an I-cord that is 6 in long. Bind off, weave in ends. Repeat for opposite corner.
The yarn I used for Miss Gus's bonnet is a fuzzy sport weight baby acrylic. I used a 'd' crochet hook. My DPNs were size 5mm. Snuggle Bug will not want Miss Gus to lose her bonnet. So, I am going to make another one. I'll try to post a picture of it before I send it off to donation.
No spoons left, only knives.
I have been taking an unplanned hiatus from social media recently. It started when I was hypomanic because I didn't want to say or do something stupid, offensive, or cruel because in my disordered thinking it was 'clever, funny, or honest.' I continue this hands off approach towards the internet right now because my tolerance for the garbage flying around everywhere is really low.
Listening to the news makes me super anxious. It generally tends to low key trigger me for the day. Which is why I ceased my previously resumed habit of listening to the morning news as I fixed breakfast. It's hard to scramble eggs and make bacon with two small people running around. It's even harder when listening to how the nation is on the brink of nuclear war is bringing out the ugliest aspects of the nation, up to and including rabid white supremacists whom I have such a deep loathing of that it reaches into a visceral urge to vomit when I hear their trash talk.
Watching the disasters unfolding around the world breaks my heart and has me deeply concerned for everyone and everything involved. Hurricane Harvey, the flooding in India and Pakistan, the other man made disasters such as the chemical spills in major waterways responsible for providing drinking water for entire communities and regions... they're all enough to again make me feel ill, especially the ones that are created out of humanity's gross disregard and disrespect of nature.
Thus, I am weary into my soul on these fronts. I had this grand idea of starting a feminist oriented news blog where I and a cadre of similar minded female identified people kept others abreast of the threats to us all. I haven't gotten even the first post done because of how awful everything in the news has been. You don't need someone to point out where the problems are. It is slapped in your face daily.
It also is something that has made it hard for me to write. I literally am struggling with this awful feeling that all of my written work is pure vanity. This is not depression talking here. (I'm at a fairly neutral mental state, actually. This is because the medication is actually working.) It is a sense of being very small and watching the sea draw back for a massive tsunami and having no high ground to retreat to. I look at it all and go "What can I do to help? I am but one woman. I don't even have the spoons to manage all of the balls up in the air in my own household. How in the nine worlds would I manage to do other stuff?"
Horace said "Nil desperandum." Never despair. I am attempting to follow the sage's wise words. It is, however, very difficult.
Listening to the news makes me super anxious. It generally tends to low key trigger me for the day. Which is why I ceased my previously resumed habit of listening to the morning news as I fixed breakfast. It's hard to scramble eggs and make bacon with two small people running around. It's even harder when listening to how the nation is on the brink of nuclear war is bringing out the ugliest aspects of the nation, up to and including rabid white supremacists whom I have such a deep loathing of that it reaches into a visceral urge to vomit when I hear their trash talk.
Watching the disasters unfolding around the world breaks my heart and has me deeply concerned for everyone and everything involved. Hurricane Harvey, the flooding in India and Pakistan, the other man made disasters such as the chemical spills in major waterways responsible for providing drinking water for entire communities and regions... they're all enough to again make me feel ill, especially the ones that are created out of humanity's gross disregard and disrespect of nature.
Thus, I am weary into my soul on these fronts. I had this grand idea of starting a feminist oriented news blog where I and a cadre of similar minded female identified people kept others abreast of the threats to us all. I haven't gotten even the first post done because of how awful everything in the news has been. You don't need someone to point out where the problems are. It is slapped in your face daily.
It also is something that has made it hard for me to write. I literally am struggling with this awful feeling that all of my written work is pure vanity. This is not depression talking here. (I'm at a fairly neutral mental state, actually. This is because the medication is actually working.) It is a sense of being very small and watching the sea draw back for a massive tsunami and having no high ground to retreat to. I look at it all and go "What can I do to help? I am but one woman. I don't even have the spoons to manage all of the balls up in the air in my own household. How in the nine worlds would I manage to do other stuff?"
Horace said "Nil desperandum." Never despair. I am attempting to follow the sage's wise words. It is, however, very difficult.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Monday menu & rambling.
Hi folks,
It's been a while since I posted. The kids have kept me busy. And my own stuff regarding my health has been keeping me busy. School starts September 6th. I am literally counting down the days. We have all the school supplies they need. I may need to buy a few pairs of pants, but we're more or less set on clothes. I have been mending things as necessary. Something I learned was that if you use sport weight yarn to darn holes in denim, it makes a better patch than doing so with sewing thread or with an iron on patch. (The latest issue of Piecework also has a great articles on techniques for how to mend clothes via darning. I highly recommend it.)
My menu this week is super simple and kid friendly. I am just tired of fighting with them over food. I am also in the process of trying to figure out how many spoons I have that I can put towards lunches for the kids. I am leaning again towards the reduced lunch program. A part of me feels guilty about this. I realize, however, I am not in a competition with anyone and the goal is to have the kids eating healthy. Throw in how their medication tends to reduce their appetite, I am thinking about what I can do to get them to eat nutritionally dense foods. I'm still researching that right now. Enough about that now, let's get that menu up here.
It's been a while since I posted. The kids have kept me busy. And my own stuff regarding my health has been keeping me busy. School starts September 6th. I am literally counting down the days. We have all the school supplies they need. I may need to buy a few pairs of pants, but we're more or less set on clothes. I have been mending things as necessary. Something I learned was that if you use sport weight yarn to darn holes in denim, it makes a better patch than doing so with sewing thread or with an iron on patch. (The latest issue of Piecework also has a great articles on techniques for how to mend clothes via darning. I highly recommend it.)
My menu this week is super simple and kid friendly. I am just tired of fighting with them over food. I am also in the process of trying to figure out how many spoons I have that I can put towards lunches for the kids. I am leaning again towards the reduced lunch program. A part of me feels guilty about this. I realize, however, I am not in a competition with anyone and the goal is to have the kids eating healthy. Throw in how their medication tends to reduce their appetite, I am thinking about what I can do to get them to eat nutritionally dense foods. I'm still researching that right now. Enough about that now, let's get that menu up here.
| Day | Breakfast | Lunch | Dinner |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mon | Pop-Tarts | Sandwiches | Macaroni and cheese |
| Tues | Cereal | Grilled Cheese | Meatball sandwiches |
| Wed | Pop-tarts | Pb & j 'Sushi' w/ fruit leather |
Spaghetti & meat sauce |
| Thurs | Waffles | Spaghetti pie | Hot dogs & fries |
| Fri | Cereal | Octo-dogs w/ veggies & chips |
Pork chops w/ cheese potatoes |
| Sat | Eggs & bacon |
Leftovers/ Sandwiches |
Pulled chicken (bbq) with tossed salad |
| Sun | Eggs & hash |
Leftovers | Pizza |
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