I realized that I've been painfully neglectful of this and the other blogs that I have. This is something that I mean to correct in the near to immediate future. My life has been rather crazy of late. Part of this is all my own damn fault, I admit and own that fact. I also have to say that part of this is because I'm still struggling with depression. A whole lot has happened since I last posted.
Hmm... Where do I begin? I suppose I should list the major highlights of the past several months. Since my last post was in June (JUNE!?! Wow! Have I been neglectful or what!?!), I should probably start with the big events of July, the biggest being the birth of the baby! We learned from my husband's employer that the economy is creating some problems for his business. I suppose it was a matter of time. It was floated about the possibility that my husband and everybody else who worked there would have to take two weeks furlough unpaid. To say the least, no one was pleased but no one was very surprised. They got a few big contracts in and things began to go more smoothly (or so it seemed) for the remainder of the month.
We had a quick visit from Beloved's girlfriend. It was really nice to see her. She's such a sweet-heart. She and I didn't get to visit as much as either of us liked, but there's a reason for that. Near the end of her visit, I started false labor. Yes, you read that right, false labor. Everybody planned around the due date and we all assumed that things would go relatively like it did with Cuddle Bear. The delivery was scheduled a week before the due date and her visit was scheduled for a week before delivery. You'd figure that meant that we'd have everything work out well, right? Oh, we were such fools. Babies don't like to wait for anything scheduled, even their arrival. Yep, he came almost a full week early and was born at the end of July. July 29th, to be precise. Labor wasn't half as long as it was with his big brother. I hope to be posting a picture or two of the baby and I, as well as both the boys together.
August was an incredibly busy month. Not only was I recovering from the cesarian section delivery of Snuggle Bug (and my goodness does that nickname fit him well!) but we had the fun of Cuddle Bear's second birthday, my parent's-in-law's wedding anniversary, and drama surrounding the resolving of the estate of my husband's late paternal grandmother. All year, we had been hearing that my husband's parents were going to be renewing their wedding vows for their 50th wedding anniversary this year. This is what Beloved's sister had been telling us and desperately trying to get us to assist in planning.
She was most disappointed when I explained that we couldn't exactly help between getting ready for the move at the end of May and getting ready for the baby. We then didn't hear anything for a few months. We assumed that plans were continuing and thus prepaired things so that we and the children were ready for such a gathering. (I had made the cutest little matching pair of light sweaters for both the boys because August evenings up here get chilly quick, even.) This, however, did not prove the case when a surprise visit from my husband's uncle (the namesake of our first born) happened.
A very casual barbecue at the parents-in-law's house happened with my husband's siblings and their family in attendance. I almost wrote families, but had to remind myself that my sister-in-law and her beau are not engaged. I have a feeling they will be soon, because things are getting quite serious between them. It really was a shame that he wasn't able to make it, but grad school had just started then and he's going to school out of state. (She tells me that this semester is going really well for him, which I think is fantastic! She also thinks that he will be able to make it up for Christmas, which will be very nice. He's a sweet guy and I like him.)
Cuddle Bear had a ball running around with his cousins. The girls cooed at Snuggle Bug and then got bored with him, thus decided that his big brother was more fun. It was cute to watch him and my brother-in-law's eldest playing cars with the Barbie (or Barbie knock offs, I'm not sure which) vehicles. It was especially amusing when the youngest tried to tell Cuddle Bear that Barbies were for girls to play with. He just ignored her and then proceeded to start playing with the little animals that were part of the Barbie playset they had brought. Everyone got a good chuckle.
Cuddle Bear's birthday did not go as I had wanted it to. I had wanted to have another party for him. No one thought to offer any assistance with it. There was just the expectation that there was going to be a party and people asking when it was. Well... That's not exactly fair of me to say. My husband's side of the family didn't demand to know when Cuddle Bear's party was. They just invaded the day before his birthday with an arm load of presents. Thank the gods that the house was relatively clean and that I actually had the motivation to get myself and the children dressed for the day. (I spent most of August exhausted because Snuggle Bug had colic. Colic is another word for nocturnal hell, by the way.)
To say the least, I was more then a little upset but doing my best to hide it when my grandparents came to visit on Cuddle Bear's birthday. I felt horrible about not having a cake for Cuddle Bear but it was far too hot that day to bake one. I at least attempted and somewhat succeeded to have a little bit of a theme for the very small at home party (which had the surprise guests of my grandparents). I made Cuddle Bear train shaped rice cripsy treats with yellow chocolate windows and red m&m wheels. While Cuddle Bear had fun playing with the treats, he only ate the m&ms. Fortunately, Cuddle Bear's excitement over his toys turned the day around considerably for me.
His favorite new toy was his tow truck. He paraded around the room holding it up over his head and excitedly cried out "Tow truck!" over and over again. Before that, he was about to have people read him the story book that his paternal grandmother gave him a dozen times (The Very Hungry Caterpillar). The toy tow truck, however, completely trumped that. I think it was excellent that we planned it so that it was 'from' his little brother. Cuddle Bear actually has tottled up to Snuggle Bug and kissed him on the cheek for the tow truck several times now.
In early August, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Between the fact that the doctor put me on Lexapro (which did wonders for me, because it was getting kinda scary for a little while) and Snuggle Bug's problems latching on, we stopped with the breast feeding and dragged out the small army of bottles. Things improved significantly with feedings at that point because I wasn't in excruciating pain and Snuggle Bug was having an easier time getting nourishment. I didn't bother trying to pump or express anything for him because of the medication. Amusingly enough, Snuggle Bug is growing faster then I think Cuddle Bear did and a part of me is questioning if it's because he's been on formula.
During the time that Beloved was taking care of me as I was recovering from the delivery, he was on unpaid furlough. We were both irritated but didn't think too much of it because we were warned about this. Instead of the two weeks for me to recover that we thought it was going to be, however, it was closer to a month. I over exerted myself and pulled a few stitches which resulted in another additional week of not being able to pick up anything heavier then the baby. That was when our finances started to get interesting and, I'll admit it, I started to get really angry with my husband's employer.
roses
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Life = crazy woman.
So, there's been a lot going on recently. I'm going to use the short version to update everything before I toddle off and get back to work on packing stuff. At about the beginning of this month (May), we learned that I have gall stones. The doctors are strongly recommending that my gallbladder get taken out.
As it stands right now, it will not be until after the baby is born. The baby is in good health and we're all doing ok right now. I've no words for how thankful I am of that fact.
We're moving at the end of this week and I think we may be a little less then 1/3rd of the way packed. The new apartment is much larger then our current one and in a much better neighborhood by virtue of the fact that we're not going to be living next door to drug dealers. I'd rant about stuff or add more but I really need to get back to work packing.
As it stands right now, it will not be until after the baby is born. The baby is in good health and we're all doing ok right now. I've no words for how thankful I am of that fact.
We're moving at the end of this week and I think we may be a little less then 1/3rd of the way packed. The new apartment is much larger then our current one and in a much better neighborhood by virtue of the fact that we're not going to be living next door to drug dealers. I'd rant about stuff or add more but I really need to get back to work packing.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Working mother? What mother ISN'T a working mother?
I made the mistake of reading some of the goofy stuff published on the internet by the talking heads. At first, I was bored but then I couldn't help but get irritated, and then offended by the implication that there is a difference between working mothers and stay at home mothers. Last I checked, all mothers had an incredible amount of work on their plate from daybreak until they fall asleep at the end of the night. And if I recall it correctly, a lot of us have stuff that carries over from one day to the next.
I can appreciate that mothers who hold jobs outside of the home have a set of challenges and frustrations that are different from those of us who are at home with our kids, even those of us who are working out of our homes have unique challenges that come with that territory. What made me angry was the implication that some how motherhood is fundamentally different between the three different parenting situations. If we're going to sit down and make comparisons, what about single mothers or, gods forbid, what about all of those FATHERS out there?
Parenthood is a hard, hard thing. There is no competition except for that falsely created one out there and I think that we should all reject it. Because I don't know a single mother who doesn't work hard and I don't know a single father who isn't working just as hard as the mothers out there. Parenthood is the hardest job you'll ever love, or hate depending upon the moment.
That's my ranting for now.
I can appreciate that mothers who hold jobs outside of the home have a set of challenges and frustrations that are different from those of us who are at home with our kids, even those of us who are working out of our homes have unique challenges that come with that territory. What made me angry was the implication that some how motherhood is fundamentally different between the three different parenting situations. If we're going to sit down and make comparisons, what about single mothers or, gods forbid, what about all of those FATHERS out there?
Parenthood is a hard, hard thing. There is no competition except for that falsely created one out there and I think that we should all reject it. Because I don't know a single mother who doesn't work hard and I don't know a single father who isn't working just as hard as the mothers out there. Parenthood is the hardest job you'll ever love, or hate depending upon the moment.
That's my ranting for now.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Making lists & planning.
So, I'm making my lists of what we need for the new baby. First off, it's alot easier because of how much we've still got around from when the boy was a newborn. (I think I'm just going to use my nickname for him, because I can't think of a good one to use on the interwebz. Those who know me are going to be amused by this.) Cuddle-bear (AKA the boy) is not going to be very happy when his new brother shows up and starts playing with some of his old toys.
I think, however, if I finish up sorting the toys geared for little babies and put them aside now, Cuddle-bear won't notice that they're missing and assume they're new when they come out of where I've put them away. We don't need an army of new toys but a toy box is becoming a daily necessity. I'm thinking that a pair of toy boxes and a set of shelves will work well for what we need. Then I'll just need to locate a few more canvas sided bins to drop toys into.
We're either going to need a new changing table or another convertible crib for the new baby. I've talked to hubby and he's inclined to agree with the idea of another convertible crib. We're going to be doing that minor bit of repair upon Cuddle-bear's crib and putting it together in the toddler-bed configuration in the near to immediate future. I'd like to have it done by the middle of this week. I think the chance that both boys are going to be sharing the same room is fairly high right now.
This means that we should have a similar styled convertible crib to what we've got for Cuddle-bear. We have a dresser for Cuddle-bear that holds pretty much everything of his right now. The dresser has a drawer that needs fixed but aside from that it's in good condition. It's pretty awesome for something that was second hand and a free find. I'm hoping to have a similar find for the new baby because the dresser attachment to the style of crib that we're thinking of is not that spacious.
Something else that I've been thinking about is how to approach the way toys are going to be put away in the living room and how the books for the children are going to be put away. Right now, we don't have anything even remotely resembling organization for the toys down stairs. I'm thinking that a toy-box is a need but I don't know how we'd fit it in here. I've several cardboard boxes that we've been using to hold Cuddle-bear's toy trucks and his blocks. I don't think they're going to last very much longer, however. I was using a wicker basket at one point to hold all of his toys and that... that didn't work out very well.
So, I need to determine a few different things for the future. First off is what we need for the bedroom/nursery. I think we are going to find that we need to differentiate between the diapering supplies for Cuddle-bear and his new brother. I don't want to have to use a label maker and stick labels on everything. I also think that we are going to need some way to keep the different bedding required for each crib separated. I'm inclined to locate wicker baskets that are the right size for the sheets, pads, and blankets for each crib.
If we get another one like Cuddle-bear's crib, I think that will be the best solution to organizing it all. And then we have the matter of everything for feeding. We're going to need a way to separate which bib goes with which boy. This is also going to get into things like baby food and such. I may need a label maker after all. *sigh* I do think that a laundry bag dedicated just to bibs, burp cloths, and washcloths is a need. Thankfully, I have some fabric kicking around. I believe I'm going to make something that fits onto a hanger that I can just put up in the kitchen.
The more I think about that idea, the more I like it. If I look about, I may even be able to find some blue and white gingham to match what we have in the kitchen decor. I have a few other things that I'm debating if I should make. I've seen an interesting pattern for a crochet diaper bag. Cuddle-bear's diaper bag is beginning to have the lining tear out of it. I think instead of crocheting another bag, however, I'll be replacing the lining.
I had something else I was going to talk about but I can't remember it. I suppose this means it's time to end this blog entry and go do dishes or something.
I think, however, if I finish up sorting the toys geared for little babies and put them aside now, Cuddle-bear won't notice that they're missing and assume they're new when they come out of where I've put them away. We don't need an army of new toys but a toy box is becoming a daily necessity. I'm thinking that a pair of toy boxes and a set of shelves will work well for what we need. Then I'll just need to locate a few more canvas sided bins to drop toys into.
We're either going to need a new changing table or another convertible crib for the new baby. I've talked to hubby and he's inclined to agree with the idea of another convertible crib. We're going to be doing that minor bit of repair upon Cuddle-bear's crib and putting it together in the toddler-bed configuration in the near to immediate future. I'd like to have it done by the middle of this week. I think the chance that both boys are going to be sharing the same room is fairly high right now.
This means that we should have a similar styled convertible crib to what we've got for Cuddle-bear. We have a dresser for Cuddle-bear that holds pretty much everything of his right now. The dresser has a drawer that needs fixed but aside from that it's in good condition. It's pretty awesome for something that was second hand and a free find. I'm hoping to have a similar find for the new baby because the dresser attachment to the style of crib that we're thinking of is not that spacious.
Something else that I've been thinking about is how to approach the way toys are going to be put away in the living room and how the books for the children are going to be put away. Right now, we don't have anything even remotely resembling organization for the toys down stairs. I'm thinking that a toy-box is a need but I don't know how we'd fit it in here. I've several cardboard boxes that we've been using to hold Cuddle-bear's toy trucks and his blocks. I don't think they're going to last very much longer, however. I was using a wicker basket at one point to hold all of his toys and that... that didn't work out very well.
So, I need to determine a few different things for the future. First off is what we need for the bedroom/nursery. I think we are going to find that we need to differentiate between the diapering supplies for Cuddle-bear and his new brother. I don't want to have to use a label maker and stick labels on everything. I also think that we are going to need some way to keep the different bedding required for each crib separated. I'm inclined to locate wicker baskets that are the right size for the sheets, pads, and blankets for each crib.
If we get another one like Cuddle-bear's crib, I think that will be the best solution to organizing it all. And then we have the matter of everything for feeding. We're going to need a way to separate which bib goes with which boy. This is also going to get into things like baby food and such. I may need a label maker after all. *sigh* I do think that a laundry bag dedicated just to bibs, burp cloths, and washcloths is a need. Thankfully, I have some fabric kicking around. I believe I'm going to make something that fits onto a hanger that I can just put up in the kitchen.
The more I think about that idea, the more I like it. If I look about, I may even be able to find some blue and white gingham to match what we have in the kitchen decor. I have a few other things that I'm debating if I should make. I've seen an interesting pattern for a crochet diaper bag. Cuddle-bear's diaper bag is beginning to have the lining tear out of it. I think instead of crocheting another bag, however, I'll be replacing the lining.
I had something else I was going to talk about but I can't remember it. I suppose this means it's time to end this blog entry and go do dishes or something.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Cesarian section = Questions.
I'm sitting here reading the pre-admission paperwork for the hospital where I'm going to be delivering this new baby. I have to admit, I am a little confused about a few things. When I delivered the boy, (I'm going to need to come up with a new nickname for him) it was two days before my due date. Well, I suppose technically one.
I sit here and I'm trying to figure out when would be a good date to schedule the c-section delivery. I'm due on the second Sunday of August and according to the hospital's website, I can expect my stay to be roughly three days. As I looked at the calender from when my first child was born, it shows that my stay was almost a week. At the time, however, I had preeclampsia. That created some complications and makes planing based on past events rather difficult.
In talking with my doctor, it's been a learning experience. They don't know if I'll develop preeclampsia with this pregnancy or not. None of the studies show anything conclusive except that preeclampsia is bad and if left untreated can be lethal. I still find myself concerned that I'm going to have to deal with it this pregnancy. I've been attempting to learn if I'm more at risk to develop it because I had it the first pregnancy but nothing is really being shown conclusively. It's more then a little alarming to discover how poorly understood this disorder is.
I've been reading stuff and trying to make the best decision. It's not proving easy. I think I need to talk to the doctor and have her help me plan when to deliver. I also think I need to ask her again to explain preeclampsia to me. I've been having more headaches and dizzy spells over the last few months. The headaches have been more intense and the nausea has been a relatively constant companion the whole time.
As I've been reading and trying to make sense of my symptoms (and maybe even find some decent remedies to help cope) I'm stumbling on to finding out that I might be showing some of the early symptoms of preeclampsia. It rather scares the hell out of me. I'm not looking forward to that doctor appointment next week.
I sit here and I'm trying to figure out when would be a good date to schedule the c-section delivery. I'm due on the second Sunday of August and according to the hospital's website, I can expect my stay to be roughly three days. As I looked at the calender from when my first child was born, it shows that my stay was almost a week. At the time, however, I had preeclampsia. That created some complications and makes planing based on past events rather difficult.
In talking with my doctor, it's been a learning experience. They don't know if I'll develop preeclampsia with this pregnancy or not. None of the studies show anything conclusive except that preeclampsia is bad and if left untreated can be lethal. I still find myself concerned that I'm going to have to deal with it this pregnancy. I've been attempting to learn if I'm more at risk to develop it because I had it the first pregnancy but nothing is really being shown conclusively. It's more then a little alarming to discover how poorly understood this disorder is.
I've been reading stuff and trying to make the best decision. It's not proving easy. I think I need to talk to the doctor and have her help me plan when to deliver. I also think I need to ask her again to explain preeclampsia to me. I've been having more headaches and dizzy spells over the last few months. The headaches have been more intense and the nausea has been a relatively constant companion the whole time.
As I've been reading and trying to make sense of my symptoms (and maybe even find some decent remedies to help cope) I'm stumbling on to finding out that I might be showing some of the early symptoms of preeclampsia. It rather scares the hell out of me. I'm not looking forward to that doctor appointment next week.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Been feeling exhausted.
I have been incredibly tired. I'm pretty sure it's because of the pregnancy. Nausea is easing up but I'm starting to have some difficulty sleeping again. This time it's because of leg spasms, the baby kicking my bladder, and cravings. Last night, I woke up at about 2 AM craving tomatoes, bananas, and Corn Pops. Thankfully it wasn't all together in one bowl but rather first the tomatoes, then the bananas, and finally the cereal. While I didn't have bananas or the Corn Pops, I at least had some tomatoes and a bowl of cereal.
I really hope that I don't have that storied craving for ice cream and pickles. The concept has always revolted me.
I really hope that I don't have that storied craving for ice cream and pickles. The concept has always revolted me.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Blogs, blogs, and yet more blogs.
So, I sat down and thought about it. I realized that I've got multiple blogs for different purposes. I do a crappy job of updating them and it's just far too disorganized to really be enjoyable. So, I'm going to make a schedule for when I update each blog and I'm going to plan out what each blog is going to be for and note it.
As cheezy as it may sound, I actually think that organizing like this is going to do me some good with my writing.
In other news, I'm in the midst of putting together three book proposal/submission packages. One is for my fantasy novel. One is for a dream interpretation book that I've been working on for literally 9 years now. (A lot of research and writing at sporadic intervals has dragged this project out.) And the third is for a book on witchcraft that is still in the initial draft phase and not even a completed manuscript. I'm approximately four chapters in and sifting my way through a mountain of research and still organizing.
I'm terrified to send out these things. I think it's why I'm being waaaaaaay too critical of the proposal/submission package that I'm putting together. So, I've decided that I'm just going to bite the bullet and write the things up. I'm going to have them done by the 26th and mailing them out on the 27th. And to make sure that I get this done, I'm going to enlist the aid of a few people to kick my butt into working on this.
I know that I can write a novel in a month. I know that I can write several novels in a year. I'm pretty sure that if I stopped being obsessed with making sure that the manuscript was perfect, I could edit a novel in two months. So, I'm going to probably need beta readers and people to help me edit.
I still can't believe I'm going to do this. On one hand I'm terrified but on the other I'm actually pretty excited and relieved. I suppose making a conscious effort to put some of the insanity of my side of the family behind me is doing some good. And I can use the blogs and journaling to help me write my way out of the intermittant depression that has been making my life hell for months.
Who knows, perhaps it will do some good and get me something that resembles a little peace within my heart. It'd be nice to not be quite so anxious all the time.
As cheezy as it may sound, I actually think that organizing like this is going to do me some good with my writing.
In other news, I'm in the midst of putting together three book proposal/submission packages. One is for my fantasy novel. One is for a dream interpretation book that I've been working on for literally 9 years now. (A lot of research and writing at sporadic intervals has dragged this project out.) And the third is for a book on witchcraft that is still in the initial draft phase and not even a completed manuscript. I'm approximately four chapters in and sifting my way through a mountain of research and still organizing.
I'm terrified to send out these things. I think it's why I'm being waaaaaaay too critical of the proposal/submission package that I'm putting together. So, I've decided that I'm just going to bite the bullet and write the things up. I'm going to have them done by the 26th and mailing them out on the 27th. And to make sure that I get this done, I'm going to enlist the aid of a few people to kick my butt into working on this.
I know that I can write a novel in a month. I know that I can write several novels in a year. I'm pretty sure that if I stopped being obsessed with making sure that the manuscript was perfect, I could edit a novel in two months. So, I'm going to probably need beta readers and people to help me edit.
I still can't believe I'm going to do this. On one hand I'm terrified but on the other I'm actually pretty excited and relieved. I suppose making a conscious effort to put some of the insanity of my side of the family behind me is doing some good. And I can use the blogs and journaling to help me write my way out of the intermittant depression that has been making my life hell for months.
Who knows, perhaps it will do some good and get me something that resembles a little peace within my heart. It'd be nice to not be quite so anxious all the time.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
What We Did Today: 3/5/09
The last few days have been crazy. As a result, I haven't had the opportunity to post what we've done. I'll be honest, pregnancy and the busy couple of days have made things blur together so giving a quick synopsis would not work out that well. So, I'm going to focus on today.
This morning went well. Breakfast was waffles and despite a minor temper-tantrum, it was peaceful. I'm delighted to say that my stomach decided to let me eat breakfast, so the boy enjoyed breakfast even more because he could eat with me. After breakfast, I read him a few stories and then let him play independently.
Cars and trucks were driven across the dining room floor before being dropped back into the box which holds them. All on his own! He decided he was done playing with his cars and he put them away. To say the least, I clearly and delightedly expressed praise for his efforts. At which point, he began picking up other toys and putting them into the toy basket in the living room for a few minutes before sitting down with his drum. I think we're almost to the stage of having him help out with cleaning up.
We took a walk this morning and saw quite a few different types of trucks. The boy especially enjoyed the tractor-trailers and the tow trucks that were red. He was very good when we stopped at our favorite little restaurant near home. We shared a bit of lemonade and some crackers. As he smiled at the waitress and ate his crackers, I decided we'd have lunch.
This went wonderfully well, even with the introduction of other small children who were not behaving into the mix. The mother with the 14 month old child who was being a screaming banshee and trying to climb out of his high chair kept casting envious eyes at my boy who was being good. He was doing his best to use his spoon to get his hot dog pieces and didn't drop food on the floor intentionally. This was a first. He was all eyes and smiles as more people arrived.
We watched as families sat down around us to lunch. My son smiled and played peek-a-boo with another little toddler near his age across the restaurant until I told him to eat his lunch. At which point he did a wonderful job of listening to me. It was when the police officers came in for their lunch that food was forgotten and my boy just stared at them in awe. The officers were bemused by his slack jawed interest. He completely ignored the trucks that drove by the large window we were sitting near to watch them as they found their table.
When we were on our way out, the boy waved at them and then shyly hid his face against my shoulder with an enormous smile as the younger of the two officers waved back. It was painfully cute and makes me look forward to doing this next month. Nap time came and went with no trouble. It was actually at the end that things got difficult.
For some reason, the boy woke up crying loudly. I think it was one of those infamous toddler night terrors. I changed him and he was dry and the diaper was clean. So there was nothing to irritate his diaper rash.I hate diaper rash because it makes babies so miserable. Fortunately, when he teethes it's multiple teeth at once and I don't get the screaming and cranky baby for weeks on end. If the Gods are kind, that will be the same with the next one.
I sorted and picked up his toys. The boy was such a trooper. He helped me out with putting the toys away by handing them to me. It was another very cute and sweet moment. There was a little bit of a temper-tantrum when it was time to go down stairs, but that was gone when he realized that the back door was open. The weather was wonderfully warm and we went out back for a few minutes to see how the throw rugs from the living room were airing out.
Now it's dinner time and he's enjoying his food. I think we're in for a quiet and pleasant evening.
This morning went well. Breakfast was waffles and despite a minor temper-tantrum, it was peaceful. I'm delighted to say that my stomach decided to let me eat breakfast, so the boy enjoyed breakfast even more because he could eat with me. After breakfast, I read him a few stories and then let him play independently.
Cars and trucks were driven across the dining room floor before being dropped back into the box which holds them. All on his own! He decided he was done playing with his cars and he put them away. To say the least, I clearly and delightedly expressed praise for his efforts. At which point, he began picking up other toys and putting them into the toy basket in the living room for a few minutes before sitting down with his drum. I think we're almost to the stage of having him help out with cleaning up.
We took a walk this morning and saw quite a few different types of trucks. The boy especially enjoyed the tractor-trailers and the tow trucks that were red. He was very good when we stopped at our favorite little restaurant near home. We shared a bit of lemonade and some crackers. As he smiled at the waitress and ate his crackers, I decided we'd have lunch.
This went wonderfully well, even with the introduction of other small children who were not behaving into the mix. The mother with the 14 month old child who was being a screaming banshee and trying to climb out of his high chair kept casting envious eyes at my boy who was being good. He was doing his best to use his spoon to get his hot dog pieces and didn't drop food on the floor intentionally. This was a first. He was all eyes and smiles as more people arrived.
We watched as families sat down around us to lunch. My son smiled and played peek-a-boo with another little toddler near his age across the restaurant until I told him to eat his lunch. At which point he did a wonderful job of listening to me. It was when the police officers came in for their lunch that food was forgotten and my boy just stared at them in awe. The officers were bemused by his slack jawed interest. He completely ignored the trucks that drove by the large window we were sitting near to watch them as they found their table.
When we were on our way out, the boy waved at them and then shyly hid his face against my shoulder with an enormous smile as the younger of the two officers waved back. It was painfully cute and makes me look forward to doing this next month. Nap time came and went with no trouble. It was actually at the end that things got difficult.
For some reason, the boy woke up crying loudly. I think it was one of those infamous toddler night terrors. I changed him and he was dry and the diaper was clean. So there was nothing to irritate his diaper rash.
I sorted and picked up his toys. The boy was such a trooper. He helped me out with putting the toys away by handing them to me. It was another very cute and sweet moment. There was a little bit of a temper-tantrum when it was time to go down stairs, but that was gone when he realized that the back door was open. The weather was wonderfully warm and we went out back for a few minutes to see how the throw rugs from the living room were airing out.
Now it's dinner time and he's enjoying his food. I think we're in for a quiet and pleasant evening.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Ramblings.
I'll post tomorrow about what we did today, as the evening is shaping up to not give me time. I am going to indulge myself in a little bit of whining. Roughly 2 weeks ago, I pulled a muscle in my lower back. I'm mostly recovered except for one thing. My back gets stiff and makes it difficult to move in certain ways right now. I'm disappointed to say it, but I think my doctor was right and I may need to go see somebody about it.
It makes picking up moderately heavy things uncomfortable and generally moving around miserable at times.
It makes picking up moderately heavy things uncomfortable and generally moving around miserable at times.
Monday, March 02, 2009
What We Did Today 3/2/09
First, a bit of rambling mouth noise that can be disregarded if so desired. The last week has been insane and I think I'd prefer it if things like my morning sickness just didn't rear their ugly heads again. It's not so much that I've been too busy to post as it is that I've been too disorganized and scattered to do so. My PTSD has been making life hell and I absolutely fucking HATE it.
Ok, ranting/rambling done! On to what the boy and I did today!
This morning was an odd morning for us. Breakfast was fairly quiet, as usual. The boy doesn't get very excited over breakfast unless it's pancakes. I'll be making some in the near future, but we don't have them very often. So, pancakes = treat. Once breakfast was done, he got to play on the floor with his cars and I think I almost tripped and killed myself on them three or four times walking thru the room.Thank the gods that we don't have Matchbox cars everywhere! I'd surely have been dead six times over then.
After the playing with cars happened to the sound of the morning news show, the TV got turned off and he began playing with his music playing toys as I read some e-mails and news stories on the Internet. He then decided that he wanted to cuddle. So, he sat on my lap while I looked at a few webcomics, which he was fairly bored with except for Questionable Content. He seemed to really enjoy the coloring that was done for that one because he kept pointing at the green shirt/jacket that the character of Martin was wearing.
We then went away from the computer and looked out the window. The wind was blowing pretty good today and making the trees in back sway. The boy kept pointing out the window at them with a huge smile on his face. We sat on the couch and read his board book If I Had A Little Train. I think we read that three times before he decided he wanted to get down off the couch.
So, off the couch went the little boy and this was about when I started feeling absolutely exhausted for no reason. Oddly enough, this was also around when the boy started his fussy because he's tired business that happens sometimes when he misses a nap or goes down for it late. The odd thing was this happened at around 10:30 in the morning, almost two hours before it usually happened. So, we went up stairs for what I thought was going to be a little nap.
I was wrong. We slept for a while. It was around 3 in the afternoon when we got up. I'm rather confused by this because as far as I know, everybody (my husband, son, and I) slept well last night. Either way, when nap time was done, we had a late lunch. I just have to say, my son's love of sandwiches makes lunch time so easy! He was delighted with his ham sandwiches and crackers. I was impressed by the fact that he drank three cups of milk.
I think we'll be dealing with a growth spurt soon because his appetite has increased recently. I know we're going to be dealing with teething. In addition to him drooling like a faucet has been turned on inside that little mouth, he has now started trying to chew on everything and he has diaper rash. I think it's another molar coming in but I could be wrong.
This afternoon, he drove his little remote control car around the floor. It was actually very cute because he made a point of walking over to me where I was sitting on the couch to point at his car spinning around in circles as he pushed the button. I have to say, Lady_Cinnibar, you are a genius and this was probably one of the best Christmas gifts he's gotten so far.
We had a little meltdown when it was time for the car to get put away but by then it was time for the news. When the weather man came on, it was all good. The boy decided he wanted to cuddle some more and made a point of putting his cheek against my belly. I think he can feel the baby squirming around inside. As I felt the baby move, my son cuddled closer to me and put his hand on my belly.
It was a sweet and special moment... up until the baby inside kicked my bladder and my toddler son pushed against my bladder as he stood up. A part of me almost wondered if there was some kind of psychic exchange between them to plan that. Was it a conspiracy to make me really need to run to the bathroom? And if so, why did my son throw his usual screaming tantrum when I went upstairs to do so?
Dinner time went well and when his father got home, he had a good time watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune as I finished up dinner for my husband and I. I think he prefers 'Wheel' because of the colors on their wheel, but that's just my suspicion.
Ok, ranting/rambling done! On to what the boy and I did today!
This morning was an odd morning for us. Breakfast was fairly quiet, as usual. The boy doesn't get very excited over breakfast unless it's pancakes. I'll be making some in the near future, but we don't have them very often. So, pancakes = treat. Once breakfast was done, he got to play on the floor with his cars and I think I almost tripped and killed myself on them three or four times walking thru the room.
After the playing with cars happened to the sound of the morning news show, the TV got turned off and he began playing with his music playing toys as I read some e-mails and news stories on the Internet. He then decided that he wanted to cuddle. So, he sat on my lap while I looked at a few webcomics, which he was fairly bored with except for Questionable Content. He seemed to really enjoy the coloring that was done for that one because he kept pointing at the green shirt/jacket that the character of Martin was wearing.
We then went away from the computer and looked out the window. The wind was blowing pretty good today and making the trees in back sway. The boy kept pointing out the window at them with a huge smile on his face. We sat on the couch and read his board book If I Had A Little Train. I think we read that three times before he decided he wanted to get down off the couch.
So, off the couch went the little boy and this was about when I started feeling absolutely exhausted for no reason. Oddly enough, this was also around when the boy started his fussy because he's tired business that happens sometimes when he misses a nap or goes down for it late. The odd thing was this happened at around 10:30 in the morning, almost two hours before it usually happened. So, we went up stairs for what I thought was going to be a little nap.
I was wrong. We slept for a while. It was around 3 in the afternoon when we got up. I'm rather confused by this because as far as I know, everybody (my husband, son, and I) slept well last night. Either way, when nap time was done, we had a late lunch. I just have to say, my son's love of sandwiches makes lunch time so easy! He was delighted with his ham sandwiches and crackers. I was impressed by the fact that he drank three cups of milk.
I think we'll be dealing with a growth spurt soon because his appetite has increased recently. I know we're going to be dealing with teething. In addition to him drooling like a faucet has been turned on inside that little mouth, he has now started trying to chew on everything and he has diaper rash. I think it's another molar coming in but I could be wrong.
This afternoon, he drove his little remote control car around the floor. It was actually very cute because he made a point of walking over to me where I was sitting on the couch to point at his car spinning around in circles as he pushed the button. I have to say, Lady_Cinnibar, you are a genius and this was probably one of the best Christmas gifts he's gotten so far.
We had a little meltdown when it was time for the car to get put away but by then it was time for the news. When the weather man came on, it was all good. The boy decided he wanted to cuddle some more and made a point of putting his cheek against my belly. I think he can feel the baby squirming around inside. As I felt the baby move, my son cuddled closer to me and put his hand on my belly.
It was a sweet and special moment... up until the baby inside kicked my bladder and my toddler son pushed against my bladder as he stood up. A part of me almost wondered if there was some kind of psychic exchange between them to plan that. Was it a conspiracy to make me really need to run to the bathroom? And if so, why did my son throw his usual screaming tantrum when I went upstairs to do so?
Dinner time went well and when his father got home, he had a good time watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune as I finished up dinner for my husband and I. I think he prefers 'Wheel' because of the colors on their wheel, but that's just my suspicion.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
What the boy & I did today: 2/24/09
I've decided to start posting what my son and I do on a daily basis. It will help me to update this on a more regular basis and I think it'll serve to bring a little amusement to folks around too. So, here is the first installment.
~~~~~~
The morning was a bit busy from the word 'go'. The boy was up at the crack of dawn and playing in his crib with his toys. Usually, I get him and bring him down for breakfast at 8:30. Today, because I was up at 6:30, I went and got him shortly after he was up. So breakfast was an hour early today. He absolutely enjoyed the bananas we had this morning and completely ignored his cereal 'O's.
He played on the floor with his stuffed dog toy that sings and his big blue fuzzy bear while I finished up some writing in my journal. When I was done, we read a few stories. He has several favorites but right now the one that is top of his list for when we're downstairs is 'Bumpy Tractor'. Most days we alternate between that one and the other in the box set, 'Speedy Firetruck' but for the last three days now he has been all about 'Bumpy Tractor'.
I hope that he decides to go back to alternating between his favorites because I'm starting to have dreams about reading that story!At least they're not nightmares of the endless 'Speedy Firetruck'. That was a result of reading it at least a dozen times over one week! I was ready to go hide that thing!
After reading 'Bumpy Tractor' two times and reading a second hand copy of 'If I had a Little Train', we listened to the news on the TV and to the boy's 'Spin 'n' Grin Snail' play Camptown Races. The boy was rather entertained by the weather man giving his report of what we should expect over the next few days. I don't claim to understand it, but the boy will stop what he is doing and just stare at the TV when ever some one is giving a weather report. I think he gets it from my side of the family.After all, I have a grandfather, a father, an uncle, and two brothers who watch the Weather Channel constantly.
I turned off the TV before I got out the coloring book and his big crayons. We sat on the floor with my lap desk and first he watched as I colored a picture of a ship. Then he and I worked together on a picture of art supplies, with him picking the colors I used and finally coloring some himself. He colored some on a picture of a tractor with an apple tree. This was after I had colored in the apples on the tree purple because he pointed at them and handed me the purple crayon.
When it was time to pick up for the morning snack... Well, we had a melt down. The boy wanted to keep his crayons and we had to put them away. I'm glad that he didn't try to crawl away with the three he had in his hands. That could have made things a bit difficult. Instead, he just sat and fussed at me. Once I put his snack in front of him, however, all fussing stopped. It's amazing what a few cookies and a cup of juice will do. :)
Then came the barrage of songs. I sing alot with my son. He can't quite manage to sing but he'll coo at me or babble along with the songs at times. He has started to do what he can for the hand gestures to accompany 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'. He's been doing his best to keep up with 'Baby Bumble Bee' and '5 Little Ducks.' A bout a day or so ago, the boy has started to point at his head at the beginning of 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' and he started to clap to 'If You're Happy and You Know It.'
I'll post up a list of lyrics for these in case anyone reading this doesn't know what I'm talking about. I'll also note the hand gestures. My young neices absolutely love it when I do these songs with them too. :) I suppose working at a daycare did me some good after all. :)
The boy started to fuss and rub his eyes a little bit at about 11. So, I asked him if he wanted a nap. Usually, nap time is about 12:30 or 1 pm (right after lunch). I wasn't horribly surprised when he said yes in answer to my question. So, he went down for a nap and I did too. I woke up almost an hour before him. My little man slept for a long nap today! He fell asleep at about 11:15 and woke up at almost 2:30 in the afternoon (when he usually wakes up from his nap).
Lunch time went well. He ate up his sandwich and didn't really pull it apart too much. I was surprised, actually, how well he did with his lunch. I figured he was going to play with it some but he didn't. He poked at his fruit a little before eating it but on the whole he ate very, very well. I'm hoping this good behavior streak with his food is going to carry on into dinner tonight.
After lunch, we played with blocks some and then played with his trucks. I'm proud of the boy because he stacked one block on top of the other on purpose a few times this afternoon. We piled up the blocks, using his trucks. Instead of the expected temper-tantrum when I started to put the blocks away, he sat down in the corner with all of his books and started 'reading'. This means pulling out all of his downstairs board books and sitting in the middle of the pile as he looks at the pictures.
I then began composing this entry as the boy has been playing independently with various stuffed toys and noise making toys. He is fussing a little now, but I think part of it is because his sippy cup was out of reach until just a moment ago and it is starting to get towards dinner time. We're also close to the evening fussing because Daddy is not home from work yet.
As I sit here and think about this entry, I'm debating possibly posting up the 'menu' that we do each day. I'm sure some folks would freak out over some of the stuff I feed the boy, but he does good with it and generally enjoys it considerably. The pediatrician has no complaints either, beyond the fact that he thinks we started him a little to early on solid food. When the child is smacking his lips and screaming because he is not getting any of your sandwhich, that's a rather impossible to ignore sign that the child is probably ready for the infant cereal. No harm has come from it, so we're not worried over it.
~~~~~~
The morning was a bit busy from the word 'go'. The boy was up at the crack of dawn and playing in his crib with his toys. Usually, I get him and bring him down for breakfast at 8:30. Today, because I was up at 6:30, I went and got him shortly after he was up. So breakfast was an hour early today. He absolutely enjoyed the bananas we had this morning and completely ignored his cereal 'O's.
He played on the floor with his stuffed dog toy that sings and his big blue fuzzy bear while I finished up some writing in my journal. When I was done, we read a few stories. He has several favorites but right now the one that is top of his list for when we're downstairs is 'Bumpy Tractor'. Most days we alternate between that one and the other in the box set, 'Speedy Firetruck' but for the last three days now he has been all about 'Bumpy Tractor'.
I hope that he decides to go back to alternating between his favorites because I'm starting to have dreams about reading that story!
After reading 'Bumpy Tractor' two times and reading a second hand copy of 'If I had a Little Train', we listened to the news on the TV and to the boy's 'Spin 'n' Grin Snail' play Camptown Races. The boy was rather entertained by the weather man giving his report of what we should expect over the next few days. I don't claim to understand it, but the boy will stop what he is doing and just stare at the TV when ever some one is giving a weather report. I think he gets it from my side of the family.
I turned off the TV before I got out the coloring book and his big crayons. We sat on the floor with my lap desk and first he watched as I colored a picture of a ship. Then he and I worked together on a picture of art supplies, with him picking the colors I used and finally coloring some himself. He colored some on a picture of a tractor with an apple tree. This was after I had colored in the apples on the tree purple because he pointed at them and handed me the purple crayon.
When it was time to pick up for the morning snack... Well, we had a melt down. The boy wanted to keep his crayons and we had to put them away. I'm glad that he didn't try to crawl away with the three he had in his hands. That could have made things a bit difficult. Instead, he just sat and fussed at me. Once I put his snack in front of him, however, all fussing stopped. It's amazing what a few cookies and a cup of juice will do. :)
Then came the barrage of songs. I sing alot with my son. He can't quite manage to sing but he'll coo at me or babble along with the songs at times. He has started to do what he can for the hand gestures to accompany 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'. He's been doing his best to keep up with 'Baby Bumble Bee' and '5 Little Ducks.' A bout a day or so ago, the boy has started to point at his head at the beginning of 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' and he started to clap to 'If You're Happy and You Know It.'
I'll post up a list of lyrics for these in case anyone reading this doesn't know what I'm talking about. I'll also note the hand gestures. My young neices absolutely love it when I do these songs with them too. :) I suppose working at a daycare did me some good after all. :)
The boy started to fuss and rub his eyes a little bit at about 11. So, I asked him if he wanted a nap. Usually, nap time is about 12:30 or 1 pm (right after lunch). I wasn't horribly surprised when he said yes in answer to my question. So, he went down for a nap and I did too. I woke up almost an hour before him. My little man slept for a long nap today! He fell asleep at about 11:15 and woke up at almost 2:30 in the afternoon (when he usually wakes up from his nap).
Lunch time went well. He ate up his sandwich and didn't really pull it apart too much. I was surprised, actually, how well he did with his lunch. I figured he was going to play with it some but he didn't. He poked at his fruit a little before eating it but on the whole he ate very, very well. I'm hoping this good behavior streak with his food is going to carry on into dinner tonight.
After lunch, we played with blocks some and then played with his trucks. I'm proud of the boy because he stacked one block on top of the other on purpose a few times this afternoon. We piled up the blocks, using his trucks. Instead of the expected temper-tantrum when I started to put the blocks away, he sat down in the corner with all of his books and started 'reading'. This means pulling out all of his downstairs board books and sitting in the middle of the pile as he looks at the pictures.
I then began composing this entry as the boy has been playing independently with various stuffed toys and noise making toys. He is fussing a little now, but I think part of it is because his sippy cup was out of reach until just a moment ago and it is starting to get towards dinner time. We're also close to the evening fussing because Daddy is not home from work yet.
As I sit here and think about this entry, I'm debating possibly posting up the 'menu' that we do each day. I'm sure some folks would freak out over some of the stuff I feed the boy, but he does good with it and generally enjoys it considerably. The pediatrician has no complaints either, beyond the fact that he thinks we started him a little to early on solid food. When the child is smacking his lips and screaming because he is not getting any of your sandwhich, that's a rather impossible to ignore sign that the child is probably ready for the infant cereal. No harm has come from it, so we're not worried over it.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Well, I feel... crushed.
My dreams of a house to move into kinda went poof in the last 15 minutes. I spoke to the mortgage guy who was recommended to us by the Realtor who is a friend of the family. We might have qualified if we didn't have the issue with the student loans and we did things in my husband's name. My problems with the damn credit card company has made me ... well... definately not a candidate in any fashion at all for a mortgage, even one of these nifty ones that the government has set up for people with low credit ratings and such.
The fact that our student loans are in forbearance... Well, that pretty much was the kiss of death. We're welcome to get a hold of the mortgage guy after we get our student loans out of forbearance and paid on for a year. The mortgage guy told me that it would be a functionally insurmountable strike against us on applying.
I want to cry right now. 90% of the places listed for rent and roughly the size we need we can't afford. I don't know what to do. We can't stay in this place that we're living in right now. We can't afford the new rent they're going to charge us. We simply can't afford that.
I don't know if I should plan on going back to work or not right now. I don't know if we're going to afford to feed ourselves after this new baby is born. I... I thought we were going to be able to do so. But now... Now I don't know. If we have to move into a place that we have to pay rent that is 100 to 200 dollars more a month then what we are paying now, that makes finances really difficult. Adding my son into the picture added roughly two hundred dollars a month in expenses to our bills before he was born. I figure the new baby is going to do about the same thing.
I just want to cry. I'm so psychologically fucked up with other shit that I can't manage to get my head screwed on right to work from home. I'm barely managing to keep things running relatively smoothly here. I'm scared and feeling a little ... a little desperate. I don't know what to do.
The fact that our student loans are in forbearance... Well, that pretty much was the kiss of death. We're welcome to get a hold of the mortgage guy after we get our student loans out of forbearance and paid on for a year. The mortgage guy told me that it would be a functionally insurmountable strike against us on applying.
I want to cry right now. 90% of the places listed for rent and roughly the size we need we can't afford. I don't know what to do. We can't stay in this place that we're living in right now. We can't afford the new rent they're going to charge us. We simply can't afford that.
I don't know if I should plan on going back to work or not right now. I don't know if we're going to afford to feed ourselves after this new baby is born. I... I thought we were going to be able to do so. But now... Now I don't know. If we have to move into a place that we have to pay rent that is 100 to 200 dollars more a month then what we are paying now, that makes finances really difficult. Adding my son into the picture added roughly two hundred dollars a month in expenses to our bills before he was born. I figure the new baby is going to do about the same thing.
I just want to cry. I'm so psychologically fucked up with other shit that I can't manage to get my head screwed on right to work from home. I'm barely managing to keep things running relatively smoothly here. I'm scared and feeling a little ... a little desperate. I don't know what to do.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
My little man is walking! WALKING!
So, the boy is walking now. Yep, he walked across the living room entirely on his own today. He's done it about four times today. He's having a ball. I'm excited for him but I'm also a little apprehensive now. What on Earth are my husband and I going to do about things like my boxes of fabric that he's definately going to be getting into now? I suppose it's no different from when he was just crawling yesterday, when I think about it, but I still have that mild bit of apprehension.
[10 min later...]
My little man had interrupted my posting here for some play time. This child loves to be turned upside down. So, I was picking him up and doing so. He started laughing quite a bit with that infectious giggle of his. It's wonderful that it is so easy to make him laugh at times. There are other times when I think it'd be easier to stop sunrise then to make him laugh. I've been told that I was just like him as a young child.
This means that he'll be fine. After all, I have a sense of humor it's just different from most people. I generally don't find slap-stick that funny but witty sarcasm can have me in stitches. It'll be interesting to see how his sense of humor develops as time goes on.
Ah, musical toys. How I love and yet hate them! My boy has a favorite toy from his cousins on his father's side of the family that he is currently playing with. He loves hitting the 'piano keys' on it and making it play little songs. It is one of the absolute favorites and it's adorable to watch him play with it. And then there is the musical toy that my maternal grandmother sent him for Christmas.
I swear, if I have to listen to that thing one more time, I'm going to scream. There's a reason why it's put into the music toy box and comes out once a week with the other really noisy music toys. I don't know why, but this is his absolute favorite of the music toys (with the exception of his drum). It may be as my sister-in-law is right and the children in our lives gravitate to the toys that are the most obnoxiously irritating to us for their favorites, especially when they're toddlers.
On one hand, I'm glad that my son loves music. I'm glad that he's fascinated by his toys that are of a musical nature. He enjoys them as much as he does his trucks. Just recently, the boy has figured out how to say the word 'tuba' thanks to the Baby Einstein video that we were given for Christmas by my brother-in-law and his wife.
A quick aside, I have to say, the more I see with these Baby Einstein toys, the more I love them. The toys are educational, fun (for the grown-ups and the kids), and just beautiful to look at. It's hard to say just what I think is the best about them. I was first introduced to them when I was working at the daycare. I decided that I wanted to get some of them for my children when I had them. I was impressed by how these toys engaged the children when they were playing with them.
Toddlers have a relatively short attention span. When they come back to toys its because they're favorites. It was rather awesome to see how quickly the Baby Einstein toys became preferred ones. The DVDs are just gorgeous. The 'Meet the Orchestra' one is a favorite of the boy's as is the 'Language Nursery' one. We own the orchestra one but we borrow the language one from the library. We definately need to purchase that one at some point. He loves the language one even more then the orchestra one. For some reason, my son loves listening to people count in different languages and he absolutely *loves* listening to nursery rhymes in German.
We listen to a lot of music. We have some music that includes songs in foregin languages. He really enjoys the ones in Spanish. Between the lively beat and the rapid language, I think he really delights in the tones and syncopation of the songs. We now have a story book that includes the number one to ten in Spanish. I think I need to re-learn Spanish and learn German. It's my opinion that if I raise my children with a basic grasp of another language it'll help them in the future. But, I'll talk about it later.
Right now, I must run and work on dinner for the apple of my eye. :)
[10 min later...]
My little man had interrupted my posting here for some play time. This child loves to be turned upside down. So, I was picking him up and doing so. He started laughing quite a bit with that infectious giggle of his. It's wonderful that it is so easy to make him laugh at times. There are other times when I think it'd be easier to stop sunrise then to make him laugh. I've been told that I was just like him as a young child.
This means that he'll be fine. After all, I have a sense of humor it's just different from most people. I generally don't find slap-stick that funny but witty sarcasm can have me in stitches. It'll be interesting to see how his sense of humor develops as time goes on.
Ah, musical toys. How I love and yet hate them! My boy has a favorite toy from his cousins on his father's side of the family that he is currently playing with. He loves hitting the 'piano keys' on it and making it play little songs. It is one of the absolute favorites and it's adorable to watch him play with it. And then there is the musical toy that my maternal grandmother sent him for Christmas.
I swear, if I have to listen to that thing one more time, I'm going to scream. There's a reason why it's put into the music toy box and comes out once a week with the other really noisy music toys. I don't know why, but this is his absolute favorite of the music toys (with the exception of his drum). It may be as my sister-in-law is right and the children in our lives gravitate to the toys that are the most obnoxiously irritating to us for their favorites, especially when they're toddlers.
On one hand, I'm glad that my son loves music. I'm glad that he's fascinated by his toys that are of a musical nature. He enjoys them as much as he does his trucks. Just recently, the boy has figured out how to say the word 'tuba' thanks to the Baby Einstein video that we were given for Christmas by my brother-in-law and his wife.
A quick aside, I have to say, the more I see with these Baby Einstein toys, the more I love them. The toys are educational, fun (for the grown-ups and the kids), and just beautiful to look at. It's hard to say just what I think is the best about them. I was first introduced to them when I was working at the daycare. I decided that I wanted to get some of them for my children when I had them. I was impressed by how these toys engaged the children when they were playing with them.
Toddlers have a relatively short attention span. When they come back to toys its because they're favorites. It was rather awesome to see how quickly the Baby Einstein toys became preferred ones. The DVDs are just gorgeous. The 'Meet the Orchestra' one is a favorite of the boy's as is the 'Language Nursery' one. We own the orchestra one but we borrow the language one from the library. We definately need to purchase that one at some point. He loves the language one even more then the orchestra one. For some reason, my son loves listening to people count in different languages and he absolutely *loves* listening to nursery rhymes in German.
We listen to a lot of music. We have some music that includes songs in foregin languages. He really enjoys the ones in Spanish. Between the lively beat and the rapid language, I think he really delights in the tones and syncopation of the songs. We now have a story book that includes the number one to ten in Spanish. I think I need to re-learn Spanish and learn German. It's my opinion that if I raise my children with a basic grasp of another language it'll help them in the future. But, I'll talk about it later.
Right now, I must run and work on dinner for the apple of my eye. :)
I'm bemused by the internet.
So, when I first heard about Twitter, I thought it sounded kinda nifty. It rather exploded with popularity of late and a vast majority of mutual friends of my husband and I use it. I've been reluctant because I don't think that 'Tweeting' about stuff that my boy does here and my random thoughts around the home are going to be of much interest to the world at large.
At the same time, I've been contemplating using it and the other big and popular thing, Facebook. We've got alot of friends who use those programs and it might be good for staying in contact with them. It's something that I'm consider like using that photo sharing site called Flickr.
So, somebody out there is saying 'Well, what's stopping you?'
Part of it is fear.
I've got some crazy people in my past that I'm afraid are going to use my increased visibility on the internet to cause me problems. Part of it is because I've heard horror stories involving identity theft and I'm concerned that it's going to be a problem for me. And then there is the general fear of social interaction and such that I have hanging around me from childhood.
The other part is I'm honestly not sure where to begin. But I've wandered away from my original intent of this post. Twitter is having an awards celebration right now. It made me giggle. Why did it make me giggle? It made me giggle because of the fact that it's in the international news right now. I honestly believe that if it hadn't gotten the visibility boost from the President's use of the service, it wouldn't be in the news right now.
That, however, is my suspicion. Who knows, perhaps I'm just horribly, horribly wrong.
At the same time, I've been contemplating using it and the other big and popular thing, Facebook. We've got alot of friends who use those programs and it might be good for staying in contact with them. It's something that I'm consider like using that photo sharing site called Flickr.
So, somebody out there is saying 'Well, what's stopping you?'
Part of it is fear.
I've got some crazy people in my past that I'm afraid are going to use my increased visibility on the internet to cause me problems. Part of it is because I've heard horror stories involving identity theft and I'm concerned that it's going to be a problem for me. And then there is the general fear of social interaction and such that I have hanging around me from childhood.
The other part is I'm honestly not sure where to begin. But I've wandered away from my original intent of this post. Twitter is having an awards celebration right now. It made me giggle. Why did it make me giggle? It made me giggle because of the fact that it's in the international news right now. I honestly believe that if it hadn't gotten the visibility boost from the President's use of the service, it wouldn't be in the news right now.
That, however, is my suspicion. Who knows, perhaps I'm just horribly, horribly wrong.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thoughts on kids rooms & furniture stuff.
I woke up a little early today. I got some time to sit and write in one of my journals that I have been neglecting almost as badly as I have been neglecting this blog. :P As I did so, I started writing about some of the things we're going to need to consider moving forward after the new baby is born.
The two kids are probably going to need their own rooms. Doug is going to be *alot* more active then the infant for a while. I'm realizing this as he sits at his high chair and gleefully munches on his cheddar-chicken nuggets. (Oh, to any other parents out there wondering what on Earth they should feed their children, I've got to say we're having amazing success with chicken nuggets. Specifically, the baked ones that you do at home. The fried commercial ones get a lukewarm reception, unless they're Burger King's chicken fries. Those Doug just about inhales!)
It once happened that Doug would sit still and focus quite seriously on the task of eating. Now, he plays and eats at the same time. So, putting him in the same room as an infant isn't going to work very well. And Doug should get some time to play in his room during the day. Naptime is going to become challeging. I can just feel it. As of right now (roughly 10 minutes after the comment about how wonderful chicken nuggets are) he is eating his last chicken nugget and discovered the wonder of cheese sticks as thrown projectiles. To say the least, before I laydown for my afternoon nap I'm going to be cleaning food off of the floor. And a sippy cup, which just hit the ground.
Well, I'd add more but Doug has decided he's finished eating and is now fussing to be set free from his prison... erm, high chair. :P
The two kids are probably going to need their own rooms. Doug is going to be *alot* more active then the infant for a while. I'm realizing this as he sits at his high chair and gleefully munches on his cheddar-chicken nuggets. (Oh, to any other parents out there wondering what on Earth they should feed their children, I've got to say we're having amazing success with chicken nuggets. Specifically, the baked ones that you do at home. The fried commercial ones get a lukewarm reception, unless they're Burger King's chicken fries. Those Doug just about inhales!)
It once happened that Doug would sit still and focus quite seriously on the task of eating. Now, he plays and eats at the same time. So, putting him in the same room as an infant isn't going to work very well. And Doug should get some time to play in his room during the day. Naptime is going to become challeging. I can just feel it. As of right now (roughly 10 minutes after the comment about how wonderful chicken nuggets are) he is eating his last chicken nugget and discovered the wonder of cheese sticks as thrown projectiles. To say the least, before I laydown for my afternoon nap I'm going to be cleaning food off of the floor. And a sippy cup, which just hit the ground.
Well, I'd add more but Doug has decided he's finished eating and is now fussing to be set free from his prison... erm, high chair. :P
Friday, January 30, 2009
Online cook books are awesome!
So, of late I've been stumped on what to cook because the pantry is beginning to get a little bare as I'm getting towards needing to go grocery shopping. As a result, I've been looking at different websites for ideas and recipes. In my head, I keep calling them online cook books. I think my favorite is Recipezaar. So many interesting ideas and recipes in one place! It's fantastic. I think I'm in love! :)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Writing & Insomnia.
Well, I just started another blog. This one is just for writing about this abuse stuff I'm dealing with. If you want the link, contact me via e-mail or say something in the comments on this post.
I'm going to go attempt to sleep. Maybe it'll work and I won't wake up two or three times tonight.
I'm going to go attempt to sleep. Maybe it'll work and I won't wake up two or three times tonight.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Insomnia sucks.
It's not like I'm feeling horrible. I just can't sleep. :P I don't know if I should go wash dishes or screw around with some of my craft projects right now. At least the boy stopped his 3 1/2 hour temper-tantrum. He woke up and wanted to go play. When he got put back into bed after a diaper change, that's when the screaming began.
Remind me to buy ear plugs some time.
I may need them in the near future.
Remind me to buy ear plugs some time.
I may need them in the near future.
Rambling thoughts.
I'm just going to put this down here and maybe I'll figure it out.
Or not... not too huge of a difference, I suppose.
I've been coming to some realizations and doing alot of thinking. It disturbed the hell out of me to realize the extent of the brutality I dealt with as a kid. I think what disturbed me even more was to realize just how the propensity for the ugly crap still remains in the people who did it and it's beginning to manifest again. It troubled me deeply to realize how many of the things I told myself about them are just plesant lies to cover up the raw, festering wounds that I have deep within my soul and damn near a lifetime of anger.
I'm not sure how directly I should mention them, because I forget if they have access to this blog. So, I belive I'm going to let some of the detaile lie where they are. I'm probably going to be writing about this a fair amount in my other blog. It is my hope that ... That in writing about this, I can make it stop haunting me so much and I can excise the inner demons tormenting me.
When I came to that realization last night... just how many lies I've told myself... When I came to the realization as to the extent that I was in denial about my past, I realized a couple other things. Like the longer I continue my interactions, the longer they'll terrorize me and I'll have to deal with those sick head games. The worst thing is, I recognize now that nothing changed over the years except for how the abuse was done. And that change of method decieved me into thinking that they had changed.
Memories are rising up to the surface like bubble of steam in a boiling kettle. And connections are being made and understanding is flashing into realization like the way a spark jumps from particle to particle in a grain explosion. I wish I could say that it was all a bad dream or some kind of strange nightmare. I wish that it was just my imagination running away from me or something else ... I wish there was something I could say or do to make it where this wasn't real. But if it wasn't real, then I wouldn't have the fears I do or the ingrained habits that sabotage me.
If it wasn't real, then I wouldn't be as concerned about their thoughts and opinions of me. If it wasn't real, I wouldn't have the nightmares or night terrors that I do. I wouldn't be as terrified of confrontation or so damn convinced that everything I do is wrong somehow and that the misery of the people around me is something I must atone for. At the same time, as I look back on all of this, I realize something that has surfaced on occasion in my mind but I didn't really believe until now.
I realize that I *am* strong, brave, and honorable. I realize that the amount of courage to refuse to participate in their sick games willingly is staggering when you look at how much power over me they had at the time. I realize the amount of courage that I had to draw on to deal with an abusive bastard at the same time as I was dealing with their shit and continue to refuse to participate in their charade is matched only by my strength. Because I now understand the enormity of what I've faced down, though I can't fully comprehend the scope, and the fact that I've done so with out becoming one of them is a testament to my strength. The fact that I didn't let them strip away those things about me which they hated and continue to hate or that I didn't let them control how I live my life today and I resisted it where I could before... It shows me that I am strong.
Honorable is entirely my interpretation here, but it was something they threw around at one point as part of their bullshit. And I *am* honorable because I have never once perpetuated that abuse. Even in the heights of anger or fustration, when my temper gets the best of me at times, I have resisted and rejected it. It is a daily fight but I am winning that war. Now, I will set to work on winning the rest of this war for my sense of self and dignity.
It will not be easy. I know there are people who are going to look at what I'm doing like I'm a mad woman. I've been through this and I recognize that the memories are going to surface. I recognize that they have been surfacing and that's ok. Those of you who know me and are close to me, I may act a little crazy at times but I will be ok. Please, be patient with me and know that I will be fine after a little while.
This is hard work I'm starting here. But it's for a good cause.
Or not... not too huge of a difference, I suppose.
I've been coming to some realizations and doing alot of thinking. It disturbed the hell out of me to realize the extent of the brutality I dealt with as a kid. I think what disturbed me even more was to realize just how the propensity for the ugly crap still remains in the people who did it and it's beginning to manifest again. It troubled me deeply to realize how many of the things I told myself about them are just plesant lies to cover up the raw, festering wounds that I have deep within my soul and damn near a lifetime of anger.
I'm not sure how directly I should mention them, because I forget if they have access to this blog. So, I belive I'm going to let some of the detaile lie where they are. I'm probably going to be writing about this a fair amount in my other blog. It is my hope that ... That in writing about this, I can make it stop haunting me so much and I can excise the inner demons tormenting me.
When I came to that realization last night... just how many lies I've told myself... When I came to the realization as to the extent that I was in denial about my past, I realized a couple other things. Like the longer I continue my interactions, the longer they'll terrorize me and I'll have to deal with those sick head games. The worst thing is, I recognize now that nothing changed over the years except for how the abuse was done. And that change of method decieved me into thinking that they had changed.
Memories are rising up to the surface like bubble of steam in a boiling kettle. And connections are being made and understanding is flashing into realization like the way a spark jumps from particle to particle in a grain explosion. I wish I could say that it was all a bad dream or some kind of strange nightmare. I wish that it was just my imagination running away from me or something else ... I wish there was something I could say or do to make it where this wasn't real. But if it wasn't real, then I wouldn't have the fears I do or the ingrained habits that sabotage me.
If it wasn't real, then I wouldn't be as concerned about their thoughts and opinions of me. If it wasn't real, I wouldn't have the nightmares or night terrors that I do. I wouldn't be as terrified of confrontation or so damn convinced that everything I do is wrong somehow and that the misery of the people around me is something I must atone for. At the same time, as I look back on all of this, I realize something that has surfaced on occasion in my mind but I didn't really believe until now.
I realize that I *am* strong, brave, and honorable. I realize that the amount of courage to refuse to participate in their sick games willingly is staggering when you look at how much power over me they had at the time. I realize the amount of courage that I had to draw on to deal with an abusive bastard at the same time as I was dealing with their shit and continue to refuse to participate in their charade is matched only by my strength. Because I now understand the enormity of what I've faced down, though I can't fully comprehend the scope, and the fact that I've done so with out becoming one of them is a testament to my strength. The fact that I didn't let them strip away those things about me which they hated and continue to hate or that I didn't let them control how I live my life today and I resisted it where I could before... It shows me that I am strong.
Honorable is entirely my interpretation here, but it was something they threw around at one point as part of their bullshit. And I *am* honorable because I have never once perpetuated that abuse. Even in the heights of anger or fustration, when my temper gets the best of me at times, I have resisted and rejected it. It is a daily fight but I am winning that war. Now, I will set to work on winning the rest of this war for my sense of self and dignity.
It will not be easy. I know there are people who are going to look at what I'm doing like I'm a mad woman. I've been through this and I recognize that the memories are going to surface. I recognize that they have been surfacing and that's ok. Those of you who know me and are close to me, I may act a little crazy at times but I will be ok. Please, be patient with me and know that I will be fine after a little while.
This is hard work I'm starting here. But it's for a good cause.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Feeling twitchy.
You know, I just let some folks know about my concerns regarding C- and I really hope that they're taken seriously. The logical part of my brain says 'yes, of course they'll be,' while another part of my brain says that there's no way they'd take me and my concerns seriously. I'm so not looking forward to the next game where I have to deal with him.
C- is a bastard and I've decided to tear him a part if he chooses to attack me. I'm not comfortable with this decision but I'm not going to let him intimidate me. If confronting him publicly for his bullshit when he persists in harassing me is what it takes, then so be it. I get so angry when he harasses and insults me. I want to smack him across the face when he does that.
I've decided not to do that. But if he raises a hand to me, I'll defend myself with prejudice. If I persist in reminding myself that I have a right to do that, when the shit hits the fan, perhaps I won't hesitate.
C- is a bastard and I've decided to tear him a part if he chooses to attack me. I'm not comfortable with this decision but I'm not going to let him intimidate me. If confronting him publicly for his bullshit when he persists in harassing me is what it takes, then so be it. I get so angry when he harasses and insults me. I want to smack him across the face when he does that.
I've decided not to do that. But if he raises a hand to me, I'll defend myself with prejudice. If I persist in reminding myself that I have a right to do that, when the shit hits the fan, perhaps I won't hesitate.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ugh! Stress sucks!
You know the feeling of being stressed out? Oh, what am I asking for, *everybody* knows that feeling and hates it. It's really crappy and I just wish it'd go away for a little while.
I'm getting to the point where I just want to go run away and hide from the world for a few days. A sick baby, housework, and apartment hunting, however, demands that I stick around. Housework... gods, it's a never ending nightmare. I thought I had this place clean. Then I had to do some baking, the boy got out his toys, and I needed to work on a few projects that had been set aside. Clean house is impossible when the house is not big enough to hold everything.
I miss having a real kitchen. :( Enough space that a handful of dirty dishes doesn't turn it into an absolute bomb blast would be wonderful.
...
I could continue whining but I wont. I just feel crappy. Maybe I'll whine in my off-line journal and not subject the world to my being 'emo' right now.
I'm getting to the point where I just want to go run away and hide from the world for a few days. A sick baby, housework, and apartment hunting, however, demands that I stick around. Housework... gods, it's a never ending nightmare. I thought I had this place clean. Then I had to do some baking, the boy got out his toys, and I needed to work on a few projects that had been set aside. Clean house is impossible when the house is not big enough to hold everything.
I miss having a real kitchen. :( Enough space that a handful of dirty dishes doesn't turn it into an absolute bomb blast would be wonderful.
...
I could continue whining but I wont. I just feel crappy. Maybe I'll whine in my off-line journal and not subject the world to my being 'emo' right now.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
more rambling.
I am sitting here feeling like crying. I feel kinda sick too, but it could be because I need to eat something. I think it's more likely to be stress. I'm terrified right now. I recognize that logic insists that I have no reason to be afraid and that we're all ok. I can't shake the terror that they're going to come over here tomorrow morning and demand that I and the boy get out while my husband is at work, leaving us literally out in the cold.
I can't stop thinking that we don't have enough money to handle the damn debt collectors and these fuckers who run the place where we're living. I've been looking all day and I can't find where I put the lease. I just want to cry. I just want to put my head down on the desk and sob, even though it does no good. I can't think of anything else to do right now.
I'm sitting here looking for new apartments and what I see... I can't stop thinking about how we can't even afford things right now as it stands. How are we going to pay the deposit and first month's rent on a new place? I look in the kitchen and I question how I'm going to make food stretch and wonder if we're going to need to let one of our other bills slip so that I can get groceries in about a week.
I hate this. I hate how sick it makes me feel. I hate the fact that I didn't sleep half as well as I should have last night. I hate how I can't even shake the fear by using the various meditation techniques that I've used over the years. I'm unable to make it go away, quiet it, or anything else.
The worst thing is, I keep thinking to myself that I should have learned more about this stupid place when I was looking for where we going to move before.
I can't stop thinking that we don't have enough money to handle the damn debt collectors and these fuckers who run the place where we're living. I've been looking all day and I can't find where I put the lease. I just want to cry. I just want to put my head down on the desk and sob, even though it does no good. I can't think of anything else to do right now.
I'm sitting here looking for new apartments and what I see... I can't stop thinking about how we can't even afford things right now as it stands. How are we going to pay the deposit and first month's rent on a new place? I look in the kitchen and I question how I'm going to make food stretch and wonder if we're going to need to let one of our other bills slip so that I can get groceries in about a week.
I hate this. I hate how sick it makes me feel. I hate the fact that I didn't sleep half as well as I should have last night. I hate how I can't even shake the fear by using the various meditation techniques that I've used over the years. I'm unable to make it go away, quiet it, or anything else.
The worst thing is, I keep thinking to myself that I should have learned more about this stupid place when I was looking for where we going to move before.
My bright spot today...
My bright spot today is my son. He's happily playing and being terribly cute right now. Thank goodness for that and the fact that it is putting a smile on my face.
Because right now, I just want to crawl under a rock or something and hide, if not cry.
I hate my landlord and the people who work for her. I hate them with a passion. We moved in here and naively expected them to be honest with us. Instead, I've spent damn near everyday since about two weeks into the lease being worried that they're going to try to throw us out. I hate these bastards.
Because right now, I just want to crawl under a rock or something and hide, if not cry.
I hate my landlord and the people who work for her. I hate them with a passion. We moved in here and naively expected them to be honest with us. Instead, I've spent damn near everyday since about two weeks into the lease being worried that they're going to try to throw us out. I hate these bastards.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Somedays, I hate my side of the family...
I understand, my parents are stressed. But this is beginning to really get on my nerves.
If you people don't want to help us, then don't do it! If you do want to help us, then don't bitch about it! Nobody held a gun to anyone's head and *forced* them to do shit.
...
Gods, there is *so* much more I could add right now but just thinking about it makes my slightly nauseated stomach feel even worse.
Ever get the feeling that somebody out there is telling you something? And that if you don't get it soon they're going to be throwing a goddamn brick at your head to make you figure it out?
I'm getting the impression that I should just stop dealing with my side of the family for a little while. Time to become too busy with stuff or something. *shrugs*
If you people don't want to help us, then don't do it! If you do want to help us, then don't bitch about it! Nobody held a gun to anyone's head and *forced* them to do shit.
...
Gods, there is *so* much more I could add right now but just thinking about it makes my slightly nauseated stomach feel even worse.
Ever get the feeling that somebody out there is telling you something? And that if you don't get it soon they're going to be throwing a goddamn brick at your head to make you figure it out?
I'm getting the impression that I should just stop dealing with my side of the family for a little while. Time to become too busy with stuff or something. *shrugs*
Friday, January 02, 2009
I hate debt collectors.
I tell the guy that I'm having a hard time keeping the lights on. He just continues with his script.
I told him several times that it's not that I'm refusing to pay my debts but that I simply don't have the money for it. It's either throw money down that rat hole or put food in my kid's mouth.
And the guy says 'so you're refusing any hard ship payment options?'
My response was 'I don't see how I can use any of these options when I'm having a hard time buying groceries.'
I've a bad feeling that these motherfuckers are going to try to garnish my husband's wages.
As if having to deal with a jackass landlord isn't enough right now?
Remind me to go burn the world down later, somebody, will you?
I told him several times that it's not that I'm refusing to pay my debts but that I simply don't have the money for it. It's either throw money down that rat hole or put food in my kid's mouth.
And the guy says 'so you're refusing any hard ship payment options?'
My response was 'I don't see how I can use any of these options when I'm having a hard time buying groceries.'
I've a bad feeling that these motherfuckers are going to try to garnish my husband's wages.
As if having to deal with a jackass landlord isn't enough right now?
Remind me to go burn the world down later, somebody, will you?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Recent nightmares and thoughts.
So, there's the strange dreams that go with pregnancy. There is the strange dreams that go with the stress of dealing with idiot landlords, crazy family, and too many bills. Then there are the nightmares and strange dreams that go with being harassed by a person who had assaulted you.
Maybe it's just me but I think it'd be easier if N- was harassing me. N- wasn't quite smart enough to be the insidious bastard that C- is. Mind you C- isn't a smart man either. That said, I have been starting to have nightmares and I wasn't entirely sure why I wasn't sleeping well.
I wasn't sure, that is, until today. I woke up from a series of dreams where I was getting into a screaming argument with C- at LARP, with each dream tending closer to a physical altercation between him and I. C- may insist that his recent bullshit has been directed at my characters in the game where he and I both play in, but he's been making me uncomfortable for the past month with his attention becoming focused upon me.
I recognize part of the issue is the fact that I am pregnant with my second child and he is envious. I was briefly involved with C- about five years ago. He was my first foray into having a relationship with a man outside of my relationship with my husband. At that time, C- actively attempted to destroy my relationship with my husband and manipulated my PTSD related issues to cause me distress and get away with sexually assaulting me multiple times.
That came to an end fairly quickly when I very calmly told him to stop or I was going to break his neck when he was attempting to pin me down to have his way with me. I was dissociated but not entirely separate from myself to the extent that I was semi-catatonic. He left a few minutes later and never darkened my doorstep again. In the midst of that four month relationship, aside from the emotional and psychological havoc he created with his bullshit, he did rape me twice.
I'm not sure if C- impregnated me or if my husband did, because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage about a month after I told C- to get off of me or I'd kill him. Also, at the time that it would have happened, I was having a great deal of problems with dissociating and I can't recall fairly significant portions of time. It makes me suspect that I was raped more then twice, because only two times do I remember clearly. And the clarity of those recollections is rather startling.
Anyways, C- started with his mild efforts to antagonize me essentially right after I told friends of mine and my husband's at LARP as soon as we knew I was pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, C- was somewhat antagonizing but he didn't really show the effort that he is now. I think it is because he felt that he couldn't get away with it. Unfortunately, I've started having nightmares featuring C- again.
I'm thinking that I need to confront C- and tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I'm afraid, however, that confrontation will turn violent and C- will delibertately attempt to induce a miscarriage via hitting my abdomen. I don't know what to do, but I'm torn between a fear that he is going to try to hurt my baby and seething rage at his audacity to harass me. At least with N-, I wouldn't blink twice at the thought of tearing his throat out.
C-... Well, I don't think N- would try to batter me in a fashion to cause a miscarriage, because he wouldn't know that I'm pregnant. C-, on the other hand, knows and hates it. He desperately wants to have a child to carry on his family name. May the Gods deny him this desperate yearning and protect other women and girls from his attempt to answer it. I do, I admit, curse the day that I invited C- into my home and into my life in any type of relationship closer then a casual acquaintance.
Maybe it's just me but I think it'd be easier if N- was harassing me. N- wasn't quite smart enough to be the insidious bastard that C- is. Mind you C- isn't a smart man either. That said, I have been starting to have nightmares and I wasn't entirely sure why I wasn't sleeping well.
I wasn't sure, that is, until today. I woke up from a series of dreams where I was getting into a screaming argument with C- at LARP, with each dream tending closer to a physical altercation between him and I. C- may insist that his recent bullshit has been directed at my characters in the game where he and I both play in, but he's been making me uncomfortable for the past month with his attention becoming focused upon me.
I recognize part of the issue is the fact that I am pregnant with my second child and he is envious. I was briefly involved with C- about five years ago. He was my first foray into having a relationship with a man outside of my relationship with my husband. At that time, C- actively attempted to destroy my relationship with my husband and manipulated my PTSD related issues to cause me distress and get away with sexually assaulting me multiple times.
That came to an end fairly quickly when I very calmly told him to stop or I was going to break his neck when he was attempting to pin me down to have his way with me. I was dissociated but not entirely separate from myself to the extent that I was semi-catatonic. He left a few minutes later and never darkened my doorstep again. In the midst of that four month relationship, aside from the emotional and psychological havoc he created with his bullshit, he did rape me twice.
I'm not sure if C- impregnated me or if my husband did, because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage about a month after I told C- to get off of me or I'd kill him. Also, at the time that it would have happened, I was having a great deal of problems with dissociating and I can't recall fairly significant portions of time. It makes me suspect that I was raped more then twice, because only two times do I remember clearly. And the clarity of those recollections is rather startling.
Anyways, C- started with his mild efforts to antagonize me essentially right after I told friends of mine and my husband's at LARP as soon as we knew I was pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, C- was somewhat antagonizing but he didn't really show the effort that he is now. I think it is because he felt that he couldn't get away with it. Unfortunately, I've started having nightmares featuring C- again.
I'm thinking that I need to confront C- and tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I'm afraid, however, that confrontation will turn violent and C- will delibertately attempt to induce a miscarriage via hitting my abdomen. I don't know what to do, but I'm torn between a fear that he is going to try to hurt my baby and seething rage at his audacity to harass me. At least with N-, I wouldn't blink twice at the thought of tearing his throat out.
C-... Well, I don't think N- would try to batter me in a fashion to cause a miscarriage, because he wouldn't know that I'm pregnant. C-, on the other hand, knows and hates it. He desperately wants to have a child to carry on his family name. May the Gods deny him this desperate yearning and protect other women and girls from his attempt to answer it. I do, I admit, curse the day that I invited C- into my home and into my life in any type of relationship closer then a casual acquaintance.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Love is not a sin or a thing you can legislate.
I am sure that some of you who know me are going to expect a rant about how someone is throwing around the anti-homosexual marriage garbage again. Actually, this is about a situation involving the Salvation Army. I kinda respected those guys until I saw this:
I have a real problem with this situation. It's highly unreasonable, in my opinion, to take this stance. The Salvation Army apparently has this policy that officers can only marry other officers. I wasn't aware of this until today. I am finding myself inclined to boycott the Salvation Army because of the misery they're sowing with this stance.
I know, I know... I'm a heathen and I really shouldn't be concerned with how people of other religions operate their religion. This, however, is not a matter strictly of religious philosophy. In my opinion, this is a human rights matter. Just like the question of gay marriage is a human rights issue.
We have the right to love whom we will, it's simply a part of who and what we are. This can't be legislated or dictated from on high. It's something that moves our hearts and is a blessing. I truly and honestly believe that it is morally wrong to condemn someone for who they love. That said, I think there is a distinction between love and sex.
I'll put limits on sex, but those limits are not going to stop someone from feeling love. If an adult loves a child in a romantic fashion, if they *truly* love that child, then the adult will be willing to wait until the child is of legal majority to consummate the relationship physically. People have done this and I don't object to it. But the rest of this crap, is wrong.
Capt. Harsh led the Oshkosh Salvation Army for more than three years before he was suspended for not following orders. He is a widower. His wife, who was also a Salvation Army officer, died suddenly last summer.
I have a real problem with this situation. It's highly unreasonable, in my opinion, to take this stance. The Salvation Army apparently has this policy that officers can only marry other officers. I wasn't aware of this until today. I am finding myself inclined to boycott the Salvation Army because of the misery they're sowing with this stance.
I know, I know... I'm a heathen and I really shouldn't be concerned with how people of other religions operate their religion. This, however, is not a matter strictly of religious philosophy. In my opinion, this is a human rights matter. Just like the question of gay marriage is a human rights issue.
We have the right to love whom we will, it's simply a part of who and what we are. This can't be legislated or dictated from on high. It's something that moves our hearts and is a blessing. I truly and honestly believe that it is morally wrong to condemn someone for who they love. That said, I think there is a distinction between love and sex.
I'll put limits on sex, but those limits are not going to stop someone from feeling love. If an adult loves a child in a romantic fashion, if they *truly* love that child, then the adult will be willing to wait until the child is of legal majority to consummate the relationship physically. People have done this and I don't object to it. But the rest of this crap, is wrong.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
I'm *so* stumped!
I have decided to completely re-do my web-page on Keen and the one that I've got set up on Tripod. I figure part of my problem getting business is because those pages are too ... well... They're just not any good.
I'm just at a loss for how to correct them. As such, I'm off to do some research and scope out web pages for other psychics and figure out why pages suck. :P
~*Update*~
Well, I've surfed a bit on the interwebz and found this image that I love and want to use as a background. It's free and it's goregous!
I'm just at a loss for how to correct them. As such, I'm off to do some research and scope out web pages for other psychics and figure out why pages suck. :P
~*Update*~
Well, I've surfed a bit on the interwebz and found this image that I love and want to use as a background. It's free and it's goregous!
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Well...
I found out what I've suspected for a few weeks now. I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure that my Mom's going to go bat shit rather then be happy for my family here. I mean, the boy is getting a sibling, a person to play with and he won't have to go out of the house to play with them. The boy's going to be delighted once he realizes this is a good thing.
It'll make money interesting. Right now it rather sucks, but it was going to suck anyways because life is just a pain in the ass like that right now. Not having alot of money and having things like your student loans come due is a huge pain in the ass. Mom, however... I have this terrible feeling that the first words out are going to be a diatribe about how we can't afford the baby followed by a demand that the pregnancy be terminated.
Yeah, I had a few nightmares last night... can you tell?
It'll make money interesting. Right now it rather sucks, but it was going to suck anyways because life is just a pain in the ass like that right now. Not having alot of money and having things like your student loans come due is a huge pain in the ass. Mom, however... I have this terrible feeling that the first words out are going to be a diatribe about how we can't afford the baby followed by a demand that the pregnancy be terminated.
Yeah, I had a few nightmares last night... can you tell?
Friday, November 28, 2008
I am livid.
I want to kill a motherfucker. I really do.
And I fucking can't.
Why is it that my widowed Aunt has found herself in the position of being stalked and sexually harassed by a dipshit who is just fucking like N- is beyond my comprehension. I do know, however, that I am so filled with rage at his behavior that I can't calm down enough to sleep. I just want to beat the fucker until he's lying in a pool of his own blood and drowning to death in it while in excruciating pain from his injuries.
And I fucking can't.
Why is it that my widowed Aunt has found herself in the position of being stalked and sexually harassed by a dipshit who is just fucking like N- is beyond my comprehension. I do know, however, that I am so filled with rage at his behavior that I can't calm down enough to sleep. I just want to beat the fucker until he's lying in a pool of his own blood and drowning to death in it while in excruciating pain from his injuries.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Worries.
I can't stop thinking about money and worrying about it. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying half the time when I'm not numb right now.
And when I'm not caught up in that, I'm fretting about stupid bullshit with my mother.
Or of turning into her.
It has not been a good day for me today.
And when I'm not caught up in that, I'm fretting about stupid bullshit with my mother.
Or of turning into her.
It has not been a good day for me today.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Stream of consciousness rant/rambling
I suppose that did sound a little awkward for a title to this post. Ah, well. I'm not going to trouble myself over it very much. Right now, my son is sleeping and so is my husband. As such, I either have the liberty to use the internet as I wish or do some chores uninterrupted. As you can tell, I've chosen to play in the interwebz. It's been challenging over the last several days. I'm not sure where the biggest challenge comes from right now.
I am torn between pointing at the anger I feel towards my mother for her recent bullshit and the general feeling of malaise that's been left in the wake of her... bad behavior, bitchy words... what is the correct way to describe it? I honestly don't know. I've ranted about this elsewhere. I've had about a half hour long conversation with my husband's girlfriend about it (who is wonderfully supportive and is strongly exhorting me to say 'fuck you' to my mother and cut her off from my life just as she has done with the people who've hurt her in her family). In some ways, I feel purged of the angst that I sat down with initially to write out and expunge from my soul.
At the same time, I'm... feeling like I need to lance some kind of emotional boil and drain the festering abscess within my soul of rage, anguish, pain, and profound disappointment. It's funny, I fell asleep last night and dreamed of assisting people will illness and a theme that came up was healing infections. It wasn't an exactly cathartic dream but it wasn't one of the nightmares that I've been having on a regular basis either. It was kinda nice to wake up and not have my left arm bruised because I smacked it against the nightstand as I was having some form of night terrors as I slept.
Night terrors... Oh, gods, do I hate those things. I can not begin to detail the worst of them. Actually, I could but even in the supposedly reassuring light of day, I still find myself uneasy with *that* one particular one. Not terribly surprising, it does feature physical violence and torture. It seems like the worst of my nightmares are usually along those lines. It kinda makes me wonder just how bad some of the things I don't remember were. It also makes me think that my interest in medieval torture really didn't serve me very well for helping me sleep.
Fascination with medieval warfare and torture just doesn't mix well with a restful sleep when you have an active imagination and way too much stress inside. It does make for some very... well, fucked up dreams at times. Throw in my amusement/love of zombie and other horror movies and it can get really disturbed inside my head sometimes. So, I believe I'm going to write about something else. I've decided to write about something happier.
I have made alot of progress in my efforts in preparation for the holidays. I think it will be a good year to be a child around in this neck of the woods. I still need to pick up a few things because I realized that I'm missing some of the materials I need to make a couple of items, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My plan to make a rag book for my youngest neice and a rag book for my son this year is coming into a good stage. It've gotten my ducks in a row and I'm ready to start cutting and peicing it together.
I'm also working on finishing up a couple of sweaters and a few other nice things for the kids in the family. On one hand, I've got to admit, it is kinda easy. When you have nothing but neices to get gifts for, it is terribly easy because they're all pretty much interested in the same things right now. The eldest of all the girls is a bit more sophisticated but even she's at about the same point right now. So I don't have any real worries about what to give her. I just need to get my sewing machine in order. Which I think I've got fixed.
Wow, my capacity for paying attention is just completely shot right now. I should work on something else aside from writing right now. Fortunately, this is not in preparation for anything like serious publication.
I am torn between pointing at the anger I feel towards my mother for her recent bullshit and the general feeling of malaise that's been left in the wake of her... bad behavior, bitchy words... what is the correct way to describe it? I honestly don't know. I've ranted about this elsewhere. I've had about a half hour long conversation with my husband's girlfriend about it (who is wonderfully supportive and is strongly exhorting me to say 'fuck you' to my mother and cut her off from my life just as she has done with the people who've hurt her in her family). In some ways, I feel purged of the angst that I sat down with initially to write out and expunge from my soul.
At the same time, I'm... feeling like I need to lance some kind of emotional boil and drain the festering abscess within my soul of rage, anguish, pain, and profound disappointment. It's funny, I fell asleep last night and dreamed of assisting people will illness and a theme that came up was healing infections. It wasn't an exactly cathartic dream but it wasn't one of the nightmares that I've been having on a regular basis either. It was kinda nice to wake up and not have my left arm bruised because I smacked it against the nightstand as I was having some form of night terrors as I slept.
Night terrors... Oh, gods, do I hate those things. I can not begin to detail the worst of them. Actually, I could but even in the supposedly reassuring light of day, I still find myself uneasy with *that* one particular one. Not terribly surprising, it does feature physical violence and torture. It seems like the worst of my nightmares are usually along those lines. It kinda makes me wonder just how bad some of the things I don't remember were. It also makes me think that my interest in medieval torture really didn't serve me very well for helping me sleep.
Fascination with medieval warfare and torture just doesn't mix well with a restful sleep when you have an active imagination and way too much stress inside. It does make for some very... well, fucked up dreams at times. Throw in my amusement/love of zombie and other horror movies and it can get really disturbed inside my head sometimes. So, I believe I'm going to write about something else. I've decided to write about something happier.
I have made alot of progress in my efforts in preparation for the holidays. I think it will be a good year to be a child around in this neck of the woods. I still need to pick up a few things because I realized that I'm missing some of the materials I need to make a couple of items, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My plan to make a rag book for my youngest neice and a rag book for my son this year is coming into a good stage. It've gotten my ducks in a row and I'm ready to start cutting and peicing it together.
I'm also working on finishing up a couple of sweaters and a few other nice things for the kids in the family. On one hand, I've got to admit, it is kinda easy. When you have nothing but neices to get gifts for, it is terribly easy because they're all pretty much interested in the same things right now. The eldest of all the girls is a bit more sophisticated but even she's at about the same point right now. So I don't have any real worries about what to give her. I just need to get my sewing machine in order. Which I think I've got fixed.
Wow, my capacity for paying attention is just completely shot right now. I should work on something else aside from writing right now. Fortunately, this is not in preparation for anything like serious publication.
Brief Update.
I've got some stuff to rant about and such. I'll do so in a few minutes. This, however, is a quick plug to let the world know that I'm still alive. Aside from that, I'm severely pissed off with my mother. Don't worry, I'll rant about that in a minute.
I'm also contemplating changing the layout of my blog again. I'm getting bored with this one.
I'm also contemplating changing the layout of my blog again. I'm getting bored with this one.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Images that match characters.
I'm taking a brain break and this is what I found.
Marie Clair (daughter of Marie Olberight):
Marie Olberight:
Richard Dawson:
Janine Davis:
All pictures belong to the owners which the images come from.
Marie Clair (daughter of Marie Olberight):
Marie Olberight:
Richard Dawson:
Janine Davis:
All pictures belong to the owners which the images come from.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Insomnia.
I'm sitting here with a minor bout of insomnia. I'm going to attempt to do some writing upon my NaNoWriMo project and I can't help but feel that odd sense of peace that comes late at night. A part of me is contemplating just staying up incredibly late tonight for the sake of that feeling. I don't really know why.
I also feel an odd mix of sorrow, liberty, and longing right now.
Stormcrow, you make me wistful at moments for the oddest reasons. I think that smile the last time I saw you is what did it this time.
And Stargazer, I wish you were here right now. I was brave today, so very brave and I think you'd have been proud of me for it.
Getting comfortable in your own skin is so very hard sometimes.
I also feel an odd mix of sorrow, liberty, and longing right now.
Stormcrow, you make me wistful at moments for the oddest reasons. I think that smile the last time I saw you is what did it this time.
And Stargazer, I wish you were here right now. I was brave today, so very brave and I think you'd have been proud of me for it.
Getting comfortable in your own skin is so very hard sometimes.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Prospero's Speech
I've found myself listening to Loreena McKennitt's rendition of this final soliloquy from Shakespeare's Tempest earlier. I was struck by the ringing quality of purity and the undercurrent of sorrow to it. It seems fitting that it is playing right now.
Even as the lies I tell myself are stripped away and the mask is removed, I can't help but feel grief. Would it be easier if the lie was true? I honestly don't know.
I only know that I feel deep and profound sorrow over the childhood that I wish I had. I also feel and adamant refusal to allow such sorrow to be visited upon my own child for the sake of conveniance or anything else that motivated my parents to treat me as they did when I was a child.
Perhaps it would be easier if I could hate them. I don't know.
Even as the lies I tell myself are stripped away and the mask is removed, I can't help but feel grief. Would it be easier if the lie was true? I honestly don't know.
I only know that I feel deep and profound sorrow over the childhood that I wish I had. I also feel and adamant refusal to allow such sorrow to be visited upon my own child for the sake of conveniance or anything else that motivated my parents to treat me as they did when I was a child.
Perhaps it would be easier if I could hate them. I don't know.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Random thought.
I just heard someone singing a beautiful rendition of the national anthem. Why is it that I felt the sudden urge to weep with grief? Is it the fact that the nation is not the place that I had thought it was when I was a kid? Is it the fact that the patriots who fought and died to found this nation are spinning in their graves?
I don't know, but the wave of sorrow that washed over me was enough where I was glad that I was sitting down when it happened.
Gods, I hope election day doesn't bring a complete disaster. I hold little hope for it all, though.
I don't know, but the wave of sorrow that washed over me was enough where I was glad that I was sitting down when it happened.
Gods, I hope election day doesn't bring a complete disaster. I hold little hope for it all, though.
laughing at the interwebz
Your result for The Sexuality Spectrum Test...
Bi/Slightly Straight
For the most part, you are bisexual. You have a slight preference for the opposite sex, but either sex would suit you. If you are sexually inexperienced, it is possible that this will change after you do some experimenting.
Take The Sexuality Spectrum Test at HelloQuizzy
Well, that was a statement of the obvious.
Thoughts.
On Friday, I'm turning 30. A third of my life will be over. Given how women in my family tend to live until they're roughly 90 if not a little older, it's a safe statement to make.
I don't feel depressed because I'm not a kid anymore.
I feel disappointed because I don't think there is going to be a party. I mentioned something a little while back that I had wanted a party for my birthday with our friends to my husband. But, then our finances went nuts and life has dropped a proverbial hammer or two on us. I don't think it's going to happen.
And that disappoints me.
Last year, my husband was upset because he felt kinda ignored on his birthday. I'm hoping that I can make it happen where his birthday doesn't completely suck next year. I've a few ideas. If my birthday is just plain again, that's ok. I've go my husband and my son. We've got our health and even if money is kinda crazy right now, we've got our needs met. So, we're doing ok.
Who knows, maybe we'll get something nice for dinner.
I don't feel depressed because I'm not a kid anymore.
I feel disappointed because I don't think there is going to be a party. I mentioned something a little while back that I had wanted a party for my birthday with our friends to my husband. But, then our finances went nuts and life has dropped a proverbial hammer or two on us. I don't think it's going to happen.
And that disappoints me.
Last year, my husband was upset because he felt kinda ignored on his birthday. I'm hoping that I can make it happen where his birthday doesn't completely suck next year. I've a few ideas. If my birthday is just plain again, that's ok. I've go my husband and my son. We've got our health and even if money is kinda crazy right now, we've got our needs met. So, we're doing ok.
Who knows, maybe we'll get something nice for dinner.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Updated Word count.
Word Count: 5,634.
Page Count: 16
Other details:
Some of the characters have started to reveal themselves. There's a female character named Marie Claire. Divorced with at least one child, a daughter. She's got some tension (an understatement) towards the other female character that's revealed herself. They met in the office of the psychiatrist with the red leather chair referred to at the opening of the story. Marie is described by the as of yet unnamed character as 'creepy' and as a precognitive individual. Unclear what the relationship between Marie and the psychiatrist was.
Second female character named Janine. Janine slept with Marie's husband. Janine has hostile feelings towards Marie and Marie's daughter. Janine's relationship with the psychiatrist was a combination of a mentoring and something more. Janine comes from an abusive household, there was at least physical abuse by her father. She's an artist. Marie was a writer at the time they interacted. It's unclear if either still are. Janine's artwork in the past was photography. It's yet to be revealed if there's still a career in the arts for Janine. Gender identification with Janine is unclear. We'll see how *that* develops as well. Janine's past is fleshed out much more in the writing I just got done.
There's a few other characters and I think a few other points in time that I'm writing here. I'm not sure. But it's beginning to turn somewhat cohesive. I'm a tenth of the way to where I want to be. Perhaps I'll get lucky and write the rest of it this easily. I kinda doubt it, but who knows. The muse is fickle and will grant as she wills.
:)
Page Count: 16
Other details:
Some of the characters have started to reveal themselves. There's a female character named Marie Claire. Divorced with at least one child, a daughter. She's got some tension (an understatement) towards the other female character that's revealed herself. They met in the office of the psychiatrist with the red leather chair referred to at the opening of the story. Marie is described by the as of yet unnamed character as 'creepy' and as a precognitive individual. Unclear what the relationship between Marie and the psychiatrist was.
Second female character named Janine. Janine slept with Marie's husband. Janine has hostile feelings towards Marie and Marie's daughter. Janine's relationship with the psychiatrist was a combination of a mentoring and something more. Janine comes from an abusive household, there was at least physical abuse by her father. She's an artist. Marie was a writer at the time they interacted. It's unclear if either still are. Janine's artwork in the past was photography. It's yet to be revealed if there's still a career in the arts for Janine. Gender identification with Janine is unclear. We'll see how *that* develops as well. Janine's past is fleshed out much more in the writing I just got done.
There's a few other characters and I think a few other points in time that I'm writing here. I'm not sure. But it's beginning to turn somewhat cohesive. I'm a tenth of the way to where I want to be. Perhaps I'll get lucky and write the rest of it this easily. I kinda doubt it, but who knows. The muse is fickle and will grant as she wills.
:)
The Red Chair: Excerpt (1)
I remember that chair. He had a red leather wingback chair in his office. You know the scent
of old leather, that slightly sweet, half musky smell of it? It permeated the entire room in a
subtle perfume that lingered on my clothes after our sessions. I remember that chair all too
clearly. Somehow, I managed to forget the discussions but the chair… The chair was just burned
into my mind in every detail, right down to the way the padding beneath would feel like a coiled
animal with the springs as bones.
Three years ago, the sessions ended and I did my best to forget everything. I bared my soul
and told the company every possible thing about my past. And yet, here I am, seemingly
stepping back into that routine of walking into his office and sitting in that chair every Thursday.
Last week, I got a tape in the mail. At first, I didn’t know what it was. There was no return
address on the label and no manifest in with the package. But once I put that tape into the
player, I knew. I just don’t know why they sent it to me. Perhaps somebody is concerned about
me or concerned about him. I think I just want to forget, though. I’m sure I said too much.
He said his mother hated him when he was a boy. He said she wanted a daughter but she had
him, so she tried to make do with what she had. As a kid, he said that he had fantasies of
self-castration, where his mother came in and suddenly loved him as he lay dying. She’d cry and
plead that god doesn’t take her baby and then somehow, everything was right with the world.
Usually, however, he said that she just ignored him or treated him like crap. After all, what
mother could do anything with a son who didn’t love opera or want to have tea on Sunday
afternoon, right?
of old leather, that slightly sweet, half musky smell of it? It permeated the entire room in a
subtle perfume that lingered on my clothes after our sessions. I remember that chair all too
clearly. Somehow, I managed to forget the discussions but the chair… The chair was just burned
into my mind in every detail, right down to the way the padding beneath would feel like a coiled
animal with the springs as bones.
Three years ago, the sessions ended and I did my best to forget everything. I bared my soul
and told the company every possible thing about my past. And yet, here I am, seemingly
stepping back into that routine of walking into his office and sitting in that chair every Thursday.
Last week, I got a tape in the mail. At first, I didn’t know what it was. There was no return
address on the label and no manifest in with the package. But once I put that tape into the
player, I knew. I just don’t know why they sent it to me. Perhaps somebody is concerned about
me or concerned about him. I think I just want to forget, though. I’m sure I said too much.
He said his mother hated him when he was a boy. He said she wanted a daughter but she had
him, so she tried to make do with what she had. As a kid, he said that he had fantasies of
self-castration, where his mother came in and suddenly loved him as he lay dying. She’d cry and
plead that god doesn’t take her baby and then somehow, everything was right with the world.
Usually, however, he said that she just ignored him or treated him like crap. After all, what
mother could do anything with a son who didn’t love opera or want to have tea on Sunday
afternoon, right?
Details of the Manuscript!!!
Ok, I suppose I should say something about what I've got going so far. :)
The title is The Red Chair. It comes from the opening of the manuscript. I believe the chair in question is going to become a theme, it just has that feeling to it. It'd be kinda nice to have a way to tie all of this stuff together. But, we'll see as it develops!
The style of this is turning out to be a Modern/Post-modern kind of thing. I don't particularly like it but that's how the manuscript is turning out. Perhaps this will change my feelings on the style. That said, I suppose I could talk about the characters but they're still remaining elusive. I'm around 10 pages into this, but I hope to see things begin to show some cohesion soon. It's like I'm reading a book and I can't skip ahead to find out what's coming up!
:P
The title is The Red Chair. It comes from the opening of the manuscript. I believe the chair in question is going to become a theme, it just has that feeling to it. It'd be kinda nice to have a way to tie all of this stuff together. But, we'll see as it develops!
The style of this is turning out to be a Modern/Post-modern kind of thing. I don't particularly like it but that's how the manuscript is turning out. Perhaps this will change my feelings on the style. That said, I suppose I could talk about the characters but they're still remaining elusive. I'm around 10 pages into this, but I hope to see things begin to show some cohesion soon. It's like I'm reading a book and I can't skip ahead to find out what's coming up!
:P
So, I'm going to do it...
I've decided to take the plunge and I'm giving NaNoWriMo a shot this year. I've been working this evening on a piece for it and I'm already just confused by it. I tend to let my work write itself, especially if it's fiction. If I haven't mentioned it before now, I can't stand the Modernist or the Post-modernist style of writing. It just irritates me to no end and I feel that it is nothing but a major headache for readers.
That said, I'm utterly baffled by why I've got a manuscript coming together in that type of style. I've been writing tonight for about an hour and a half. I'm taking a bit of a brain break. I've decided to write for two hours a day until this thing is finished. The goal is to have 50,000 words in a fiction manuscript by the end of this month (Nov. 30th, at midnight to be precise!).
I've been writing for an hour and a half, as I said just a moment ago. Right now, I've about 10 pages and I'm at 3,049 words. I made myself a few rules for this thing. It's nothing to do with NaNoWriMo's rules. These are supposed to keep me from tearing this thing apart before it is done.
MY RULES FOR NaNoWriMo:
1.) Pages written in a given day don't matter.
2.) Write for 2 hours a day until word count requirement is reached.
3.) Don't re-read pages written until manuscript is complete.
4.) Don't edit for content until manuscript is complete.
5.) Do write what comes to mind, no matter how dopey it sounds.
6.) Let the novel write itself, don't force it!
So, here's hoping it goes well! :) I've told my family and a few friends. Now I've got others who are aware I'm doing it. So I suppose I'm now 'officially' committed to this project. I think if I can prove to myself that I can write a novel in a month then I can get the nerve to go out and publish! :)
That said, I'm utterly baffled by why I've got a manuscript coming together in that type of style. I've been writing tonight for about an hour and a half. I'm taking a bit of a brain break. I've decided to write for two hours a day until this thing is finished. The goal is to have 50,000 words in a fiction manuscript by the end of this month (Nov. 30th, at midnight to be precise!).
I've been writing for an hour and a half, as I said just a moment ago. Right now, I've about 10 pages and I'm at 3,049 words. I made myself a few rules for this thing. It's nothing to do with NaNoWriMo's rules. These are supposed to keep me from tearing this thing apart before it is done.
MY RULES FOR NaNoWriMo:
1.) Pages written in a given day don't matter.
2.) Write for 2 hours a day until word count requirement is reached.
3.) Don't re-read pages written until manuscript is complete.
4.) Don't edit for content until manuscript is complete.
5.) Do write what comes to mind, no matter how dopey it sounds.
6.) Let the novel write itself, don't force it!
So, here's hoping it goes well! :) I've told my family and a few friends. Now I've got others who are aware I'm doing it. So I suppose I'm now 'officially' committed to this project. I think if I can prove to myself that I can write a novel in a month then I can get the nerve to go out and publish! :)
Friday, October 31, 2008
I feel uncertain...
I suppose that's as good of a place to start as any. I feel uncertain and afraid. I'm feeling that way alot if not most of the time. I hate it. I'm terrified of various incarnations of ancient fears of mine and I don't know how to shake them off. Evidence piles up that it looks like they're false things to fear and then ... I fall back into them under a different guise. I rather hate it.
I guess there is some form of psychological benefit that comes from it. I honestly don't know what it is. I recognize that there's some unhealthy version of 'magical thinking' going into it. After all, I can not directly impact the decisions of my parent or my brothers to the extent of forcing them to commit to any one course of action. And I'm not responsible for the well being, happiness, or any other obscure thing like that of my family either.
I can't stop being afraid that if I act in a fashion that is true to who I am, however, that I'm going to unleash the bizzare equivallent of an enormous nuclear bomb and destroy all of the good relationships in my life, have the people I love be driven out of my life (or I banished from their lives) and essentially destroy the lives of those around me.
Somedays, I really do hate my family. On the days that I hate them, I am so sorely tempted to just write all of these people who I grew up with and around off, cleaving only to my husband and my son. So, why don't I?
Because the idea of throwing them away ... it breaks my heart and hurts horribly. I have a brother who's attempting to change his relationship with my husband and I. This is the same one who at one point in time said that he wouldn't piss in my mouth to save me from dying of thirst or to put me out if I was on fire.
I can't let the fact that I love them allow me to allow them to hurt me. But I can't bear the thought of kicking them out of my life. I've been trying to figure out some way to control their influence on me but I'm apparently resorting to avoiding and denying things again. It doesn't do me any good. It just aggrivates and extends the psychological issues that I have when it comes to the situation.
I guess there is some form of psychological benefit that comes from it. I honestly don't know what it is. I recognize that there's some unhealthy version of 'magical thinking' going into it. After all, I can not directly impact the decisions of my parent or my brothers to the extent of forcing them to commit to any one course of action. And I'm not responsible for the well being, happiness, or any other obscure thing like that of my family either.
I can't stop being afraid that if I act in a fashion that is true to who I am, however, that I'm going to unleash the bizzare equivallent of an enormous nuclear bomb and destroy all of the good relationships in my life, have the people I love be driven out of my life (or I banished from their lives) and essentially destroy the lives of those around me.
Somedays, I really do hate my family. On the days that I hate them, I am so sorely tempted to just write all of these people who I grew up with and around off, cleaving only to my husband and my son. So, why don't I?
Because the idea of throwing them away ... it breaks my heart and hurts horribly. I have a brother who's attempting to change his relationship with my husband and I. This is the same one who at one point in time said that he wouldn't piss in my mouth to save me from dying of thirst or to put me out if I was on fire.
I can't let the fact that I love them allow me to allow them to hurt me. But I can't bear the thought of kicking them out of my life. I've been trying to figure out some way to control their influence on me but I'm apparently resorting to avoiding and denying things again. It doesn't do me any good. It just aggrivates and extends the psychological issues that I have when it comes to the situation.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I'm ProChoice and here's why.
So, someone sent me one of the usual ProLife/Anti-Abortion emails. Usually, I just delete the things and sneer at them as spam. Something about one I received a few weeks ago just pulled this response out of me.
> Hi folks,
>
> It's election season and we've seen alot of e-mail and
> other stuff about various issues. I'm sure that you
> folks even had an opportunity to read the
> anti-abortion email that I'm replying to here. I
> wanted to take a moment to address the issue from a
> different perspective.
>
> I don't exactly have any fancy emotional arguments or
> any wonderful people to reference, such as Mother
> Theresa. So, please take what I'm saying and treat it
> a bit gently. These are *my* words and it is *my*
> perspective and they're standing on their own here.
>
> I am one of those odd people who supports the decision
> made to legalize abortion on the case of Roe V. Wade.
> If you take the time to read the decision handed down
> by the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS, for
> short)you'll find that the decision was made on the
> basis of privacy. My support of the decision is
> entirely on that basis.
>
> My body is my sovereign ground to do with as I please.
> Laws that are made to restrict what I do can only be
> to the extent of how I affect other people. The
> argument that abortion is murder faces a thorny issue
> of defining when life begins. SCOTUS has consistently
> refused to give a definitive answer to this question,
> as the general consensus is that it is outside of the
> scope of the duties, obligations, and right of what it
> is allowed to do with respect to the Constitution.
>
> I agree that if laws are going to be made to protect
> unborn children, then this question needs answered.
> Until that time, however, there is the question of who
> has the right to determine what you do with your body
> to contend with. The decision handed down by SCOTUS on
> the matter of Roe V. Wade doesn't just legalize
> abortion. It also protects the people of the United
> States from abuse under the color of law in the most
> heinous of ways.
>
> Even now, there are people who serve as elected
> officials on the State and National level who have
> proposed eugenics programs. This includes but is not
> limited to racially, ethnically, and disability based
> programs of sterilization. As long as the decision of
> Roe V. Wade stands, there is *no* hope of those
> repulsive measures being signed into law. To overturn
> that decision opens the door for things far more ugly
> then abortion.
>
> Additionally, the procedure that is known commonly as
> abortion (dilation and cutterage)will place the lives
> of many women such as myself at risk of death due to
> genetic gynecological disorders. I have a condition
> known as Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Among the
> complications that I face is the potential of bleeding
> to death due to menstrual irregularities. The various
> methods of treating this disorder includes things such
> as the proscribing of common birth-control pills.
>
> Birth-control medication is part of a laundry list of
> things that are vehemently opposed by the Pro-Life
> individuals. I don't think that many of the Pro-Life
> group realize that the regulation of hormonal cycles
> which can prevent conception (as it's not 100%
> accurate, only abstinence is that accurate) also
> prevents the ovarian cysts that women with PCOS
> suffer. Ovarian cysts can prove lethal.
>
> If one makes these modes of treatment illegal, one
> then removes effective methods of saving other lives
> for the sake of saving potential lives. I can not in
> good conscience support that because *my* life is
> among the ones that is placed in mortal peril by doing
> so.
>
> And the high handed assumption that abortions are due
> to lazy and morally corrupt individuals who desire to
> be absolved of the responsibility of parenthood is
> repugnant to me. I personally know several women who
> have had abortions. The majority of them had the
> abortion because the pregnancy was not viable. The
> others it was because they were rape victims who had
> no means to even obtain adequate care for themselves
> thru the pregnancy, never mind to care for and raise a
> child. Unfortunately, I find that the negative
> assumptions regarding abortion are not the exception
> but rather the rule in the Pro-Life community.
>
> That disgusts me and I haven't the words to express
> the scorn I feel for the individuals who believe that
> all abortions are matters of convenience.
>
> If you want to vote for life, that's fine. Think
> carefully about what life you are voting for.
> Potential life is not the same as actual life and the
> majority of abortions are done before the first
> trimester is even concluded. As a matter of fact, most
> of them are performed prior to the fetus developing a
> heart or lungs. As such, can you say that the fetus is
> alive? Never mind if it is a person, which is part of
> the emotional appeal that is so frequently used in the
> Pro-Life argument.
>
> I'm sure that some of you are disgusted, horrified,
> repulsed, or enraged by my taking this stance and
> sending this e-mail to you all. It was not my intent
> to evoke any of those feelings from you. My intent was
> to inform and to encourage you to think carefully on
> this matter. The Pro-Life platform does not actually
> save all life in this case. It simply exchanges who is
> at risk for death and undermines our right to do as we
> please with ourselves and the sanctity of our bodies.
>
> Please keep that fact in mind when you consider this
> issue.
> Hi folks,
>
> It's election season and we've seen alot of e-mail and
> other stuff about various issues. I'm sure that you
> folks even had an opportunity to read the
> anti-abortion email that I'm replying to here. I
> wanted to take a moment to address the issue from a
> different perspective.
>
> I don't exactly have any fancy emotional arguments or
> any wonderful people to reference, such as Mother
> Theresa. So, please take what I'm saying and treat it
> a bit gently. These are *my* words and it is *my*
> perspective and they're standing on their own here.
>
> I am one of those odd people who supports the decision
> made to legalize abortion on the case of Roe V. Wade.
> If you take the time to read the decision handed down
> by the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS, for
> short)you'll find that the decision was made on the
> basis of privacy. My support of the decision is
> entirely on that basis.
>
> My body is my sovereign ground to do with as I please.
> Laws that are made to restrict what I do can only be
> to the extent of how I affect other people. The
> argument that abortion is murder faces a thorny issue
> of defining when life begins. SCOTUS has consistently
> refused to give a definitive answer to this question,
> as the general consensus is that it is outside of the
> scope of the duties, obligations, and right of what it
> is allowed to do with respect to the Constitution.
>
> I agree that if laws are going to be made to protect
> unborn children, then this question needs answered.
> Until that time, however, there is the question of who
> has the right to determine what you do with your body
> to contend with. The decision handed down by SCOTUS on
> the matter of Roe V. Wade doesn't just legalize
> abortion. It also protects the people of the United
> States from abuse under the color of law in the most
> heinous of ways.
>
> Even now, there are people who serve as elected
> officials on the State and National level who have
> proposed eugenics programs. This includes but is not
> limited to racially, ethnically, and disability based
> programs of sterilization. As long as the decision of
> Roe V. Wade stands, there is *no* hope of those
> repulsive measures being signed into law. To overturn
> that decision opens the door for things far more ugly
> then abortion.
>
> Additionally, the procedure that is known commonly as
> abortion (dilation and cutterage)will place the lives
> of many women such as myself at risk of death due to
> genetic gynecological disorders. I have a condition
> known as Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Among the
> complications that I face is the potential of bleeding
> to death due to menstrual irregularities. The various
> methods of treating this disorder includes things such
> as the proscribing of common birth-control pills.
>
> Birth-control medication is part of a laundry list of
> things that are vehemently opposed by the Pro-Life
> individuals. I don't think that many of the Pro-Life
> group realize that the regulation of hormonal cycles
> which can prevent conception (as it's not 100%
> accurate, only abstinence is that accurate) also
> prevents the ovarian cysts that women with PCOS
> suffer. Ovarian cysts can prove lethal.
>
> If one makes these modes of treatment illegal, one
> then removes effective methods of saving other lives
> for the sake of saving potential lives. I can not in
> good conscience support that because *my* life is
> among the ones that is placed in mortal peril by doing
> so.
>
> And the high handed assumption that abortions are due
> to lazy and morally corrupt individuals who desire to
> be absolved of the responsibility of parenthood is
> repugnant to me. I personally know several women who
> have had abortions. The majority of them had the
> abortion because the pregnancy was not viable. The
> others it was because they were rape victims who had
> no means to even obtain adequate care for themselves
> thru the pregnancy, never mind to care for and raise a
> child. Unfortunately, I find that the negative
> assumptions regarding abortion are not the exception
> but rather the rule in the Pro-Life community.
>
> That disgusts me and I haven't the words to express
> the scorn I feel for the individuals who believe that
> all abortions are matters of convenience.
>
> If you want to vote for life, that's fine. Think
> carefully about what life you are voting for.
> Potential life is not the same as actual life and the
> majority of abortions are done before the first
> trimester is even concluded. As a matter of fact, most
> of them are performed prior to the fetus developing a
> heart or lungs. As such, can you say that the fetus is
> alive? Never mind if it is a person, which is part of
> the emotional appeal that is so frequently used in the
> Pro-Life argument.
>
> I'm sure that some of you are disgusted, horrified,
> repulsed, or enraged by my taking this stance and
> sending this e-mail to you all. It was not my intent
> to evoke any of those feelings from you. My intent was
> to inform and to encourage you to think carefully on
> this matter. The Pro-Life platform does not actually
> save all life in this case. It simply exchanges who is
> at risk for death and undermines our right to do as we
> please with ourselves and the sanctity of our bodies.
>
> Please keep that fact in mind when you consider this
> issue.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
been thinking again...
Money is a problem, as per usual.
For some reason, however, my thoughts have been along the lines of resolving the stress in my life with creativity. The same creativity that is blocked when I try to apply it to resolving the financial problems. It's funny, but I tend to get stage fright over some of the oddest situations.
And here I am contemplating what this time...?
I'm contemplating producing a few artworks specifically for an in-game showing. I'm also contemplating making myself a belly dance costume and giving that a shot as well.
Oh, and not doing that in private but rather incorporating it into the in-game event.
On one hand, I'm rather terrified of the concept. On the other, it has been an idea toying at me for almost a year and a half now. Stretch marks and all, I'm seriously tempted. Does this make me a fool?
I don't know, but I think I've figured out my sewing machine's issue and I am going to at least sew that because I've always wanted to have one and I've yards of fabric needing to be used.
For some reason, however, my thoughts have been along the lines of resolving the stress in my life with creativity. The same creativity that is blocked when I try to apply it to resolving the financial problems. It's funny, but I tend to get stage fright over some of the oddest situations.
And here I am contemplating what this time...?
I'm contemplating producing a few artworks specifically for an in-game showing. I'm also contemplating making myself a belly dance costume and giving that a shot as well.
Oh, and not doing that in private but rather incorporating it into the in-game event.
On one hand, I'm rather terrified of the concept. On the other, it has been an idea toying at me for almost a year and a half now. Stretch marks and all, I'm seriously tempted. Does this make me a fool?
I don't know, but I think I've figured out my sewing machine's issue and I am going to at least sew that because I've always wanted to have one and I've yards of fabric needing to be used.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Apperances and reality are different.
Reality says that I'm not being ignored or neglected. Reality says that things are doing ok and look like they're going to continue on to be just fine.
Apperances well...
They're entirely different and I'm torn between wanting comfort, a place to hide, and to get into a fight with some one.
I really, really hate stress. It does such stupid shit to me.
As such, I've been washing dishes and attempting to battle back the mess that has overtaken my home. And I'm wondering why the hell my son has refused to take his nap today.
On the upside, he has another tooth and a couple more quite close to popping thru. Looks like it's four teeth at once this time. :P
Apperances well...
They're entirely different and I'm torn between wanting comfort, a place to hide, and to get into a fight with some one.
I really, really hate stress. It does such stupid shit to me.
As such, I've been washing dishes and attempting to battle back the mess that has overtaken my home. And I'm wondering why the hell my son has refused to take his nap today.
On the upside, he has another tooth and a couple more quite close to popping thru. Looks like it's four teeth at once this time. :P
Sunday, October 12, 2008
WOOO!
The game last night was AWESOME! :)
I think the best part was the cars going explody but it's hard to decide. I hadn't laughed that hard in a couple of months with the other crazy stuff that came up before the explody incident.
:)
I think the best part was the cars going explody but it's hard to decide. I hadn't laughed that hard in a couple of months with the other crazy stuff that came up before the explody incident.
:)
Friday, October 10, 2008
yet more ramblings, this time sleep deprived. joy!
As you read this, you will know I'm talking to you. It'll be apparent so I'm not going to explain. And those who don't get it, well... enjoy my being moderately cryptic. You could say this is to obtain some meager sense of anonymity on a public space as large as the internet. Even though I question if I've really got to worry about it. I'll just let that thread of thought lay there because I don't feel like dealing with the tangles in it.
Soo...
Hi, how're you? I'd send an e-mail but I'm not in a mood to fight with it right now. For some reason, I feel like e-mail isn't the right medium for this and I don't know if that's ok or not. I've been thinking about you a fair amount recently and trying to understand why I haven't had the nerve to call, chat, or e-mail you of late. I think I figured it out. Seeing the two of you together, I was struck by this horrible sense that I could be possibly coming between you both somehow and that nothing but bad things could come from that.
I also was having a chicken-shit moment or two recently also. Do you know how hard it is to put a few word together infront of you in an attempt to express admiration and affection with out sounding like an idiot? Never mind the whole confusing mess of trying to avoid sounding like a creep or something else equally unpleasant. It sucks and it's just no fun.
I feel like I'm suffocating with ideas and unspoken words pressing down on me but I just can't bring myself to say 'em out loud. The all to straight-laced German side of me insists that it isn't proper to voice those things and that nothing but misery could come from doing so anyhow. To say the least, I really feel like an idiot when I am amazed by how relieved I am after I just blurt out my thoughts.
You know, hubby really had a good point last night when we were talking. I really do obsess far too much over making the 'wrong' choice, decision, or action (what ever is appropriate for the situation) and it really is slowly killing me. At one point somebody said to me that what I'm dealing with is fear that's just habitual. Maybe that's what's been stopping me and is such a part of my staunch old world German upbringing, the habit of a fear of reprisal.
You probably knew all a long that I wanted to just sit and talk with you about all kinds of things but was too terrified to do so because I didn't want to be the source of problems for any of us. You, me, anyone who knows us or is attached to us. Well, I suppose if I'm going to really start living, then I need to do it now.
And that means talking to you even if I stumble over my words and feel like an idiot. I just hope that I don't prove to disappointing when I don't say anything profound or witty. I used to think I was pretty smart, then life came along and kicked me in the teeth and forced me to realise that I'm not as bright as I thought I might be. I may need some guidance and even a kick in the pants to find my way forward here.
Consider this a request to help me out on this. Don't worry, I'll actually be talking with you about this too, just to clarify any confusion.
Soo...
Hi, how're you? I'd send an e-mail but I'm not in a mood to fight with it right now. For some reason, I feel like e-mail isn't the right medium for this and I don't know if that's ok or not. I've been thinking about you a fair amount recently and trying to understand why I haven't had the nerve to call, chat, or e-mail you of late. I think I figured it out. Seeing the two of you together, I was struck by this horrible sense that I could be possibly coming between you both somehow and that nothing but bad things could come from that.
I also was having a chicken-shit moment or two recently also. Do you know how hard it is to put a few word together infront of you in an attempt to express admiration and affection with out sounding like an idiot? Never mind the whole confusing mess of trying to avoid sounding like a creep or something else equally unpleasant. It sucks and it's just no fun.
I feel like I'm suffocating with ideas and unspoken words pressing down on me but I just can't bring myself to say 'em out loud. The all to straight-laced German side of me insists that it isn't proper to voice those things and that nothing but misery could come from doing so anyhow. To say the least, I really feel like an idiot when I am amazed by how relieved I am after I just blurt out my thoughts.
You know, hubby really had a good point last night when we were talking. I really do obsess far too much over making the 'wrong' choice, decision, or action (what ever is appropriate for the situation) and it really is slowly killing me. At one point somebody said to me that what I'm dealing with is fear that's just habitual. Maybe that's what's been stopping me and is such a part of my staunch old world German upbringing, the habit of a fear of reprisal.
You probably knew all a long that I wanted to just sit and talk with you about all kinds of things but was too terrified to do so because I didn't want to be the source of problems for any of us. You, me, anyone who knows us or is attached to us. Well, I suppose if I'm going to really start living, then I need to do it now.
And that means talking to you even if I stumble over my words and feel like an idiot. I just hope that I don't prove to disappointing when I don't say anything profound or witty. I used to think I was pretty smart, then life came along and kicked me in the teeth and forced me to realise that I'm not as bright as I thought I might be. I may need some guidance and even a kick in the pants to find my way forward here.
Consider this a request to help me out on this. Don't worry, I'll actually be talking with you about this too, just to clarify any confusion.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
rambling about the moment.
Right now, I'm just feeling worn out and kinda broken. I'm not sure why.
I just want to go hide my head somewhere and cry.
At the same time, however, I ... I feel a visceral need to be pushed to the edge of my limits. Something to make me feel that white hot heat in my veins and the dizzying mixture of freedom and release that comes with it.
I hate when this feeling settles over me. It makes the world a scary and confusing place. On one hand, I want to go hide and cry. I want to find a warm, safe place where I can be comforted and protected. In the midst of this, however, I want to feel pain, fear, and subjugation within a strictly controlled environment.
It scares me to want such things because a part of my brain insists that I should revile them. There's a laundry list of reasons that come to mind as to the reasons why I should repudiate these desires and divorce myself from them. They start with the fact that I'm a rape and sexual abuse survivior and extend to arguments about how these desires are some how something I'm theoretically programmed to want because I'm a female in a male dominated culture.
All of those things, however, are excuses.
The thing that really scares me is the amount of comfort I find in such things. I want them to happen on a more regular basis, but I don't know what to say or do to somehow make that possible, if it even is possible.
I don't know, maybe my husband is right and some of this need to have my will placed under the hand of another is due to the head trip I had in my childhood from the adults around me. I don't know. Even that feels like it's a lie.
All I know is that right now, nothing would do more to make the world feel like there's some sembelance of order to it then to have that little forbidden itch of mine scratched. And I want to cry because I need to hide any and every inclination I have towards such things on a daily basis.
It wounds my soul to shove aside these things about me. I'm sick and tired of feel like there's something wrong with me because of my sexuality or anything else like that. And I don't know what to do about it. As I get more stressed out, the more I think of these kinds of things and how it would help me be less anxious, and then I realize that it's just not going to happen.
What does that say about me? Does that say that I'm broken some how and I've lied to myself over the last several years in my insistance that I'm not? Does it say that I'm unhealthy in some fashion because of this?
I just want to feel like... I want to feel like I'm not about to fly apart at any moment and I can't figure out what can help me accomplish that on my own.
I just want to go hide my head somewhere and cry.
At the same time, however, I ... I feel a visceral need to be pushed to the edge of my limits. Something to make me feel that white hot heat in my veins and the dizzying mixture of freedom and release that comes with it.
I hate when this feeling settles over me. It makes the world a scary and confusing place. On one hand, I want to go hide and cry. I want to find a warm, safe place where I can be comforted and protected. In the midst of this, however, I want to feel pain, fear, and subjugation within a strictly controlled environment.
It scares me to want such things because a part of my brain insists that I should revile them. There's a laundry list of reasons that come to mind as to the reasons why I should repudiate these desires and divorce myself from them. They start with the fact that I'm a rape and sexual abuse survivior and extend to arguments about how these desires are some how something I'm theoretically programmed to want because I'm a female in a male dominated culture.
All of those things, however, are excuses.
The thing that really scares me is the amount of comfort I find in such things. I want them to happen on a more regular basis, but I don't know what to say or do to somehow make that possible, if it even is possible.
I don't know, maybe my husband is right and some of this need to have my will placed under the hand of another is due to the head trip I had in my childhood from the adults around me. I don't know. Even that feels like it's a lie.
All I know is that right now, nothing would do more to make the world feel like there's some sembelance of order to it then to have that little forbidden itch of mine scratched. And I want to cry because I need to hide any and every inclination I have towards such things on a daily basis.
It wounds my soul to shove aside these things about me. I'm sick and tired of feel like there's something wrong with me because of my sexuality or anything else like that. And I don't know what to do about it. As I get more stressed out, the more I think of these kinds of things and how it would help me be less anxious, and then I realize that it's just not going to happen.
What does that say about me? Does that say that I'm broken some how and I've lied to myself over the last several years in my insistance that I'm not? Does it say that I'm unhealthy in some fashion because of this?
I just want to feel like... I want to feel like I'm not about to fly apart at any moment and I can't figure out what can help me accomplish that on my own.
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