I can barely remember the last six months. Between depression, medication changes, and various other stressors, my brain has NOPED out of recalling all but the most important details of the last six months. During that time, I struggled to write. I stopped writing, to be honest. The persistent sense that what I had to write was fundamentally worthless was all but impossible to shake. I still have it whispering in the background that I should delete this thing and go fold laundry or something. I am endeavoring to do my best to ignore it.
My father got diagnosed in late July with lymphoma and that's when all writing (even keeping track of things in my dayplanner) ground to a halt. I struggled for months with my feelings over it all. I am still angry over my youth and how things happened. At the same time, I do love my father dearly. My mother, let's just say I am ambivalent and angry towards right now. I worked with my therapist and wrestled with my feelings before calling him last week. I wrestled with my feelings from as soon as I got the news until last week when a reckless sense of 'what's the worst that's going to happen?' struck me and I called. I half expected to be hung up on by my mother. When my dad answered the phone I was relieved to hear his voice. He told me that he's part of an experimental treatment's study phase. He's currently in remission and if he remains in remission for eight months, he'll be declared cured. Then I was buried under family 'news' (aka gossip) about the rest of the family. Relatives that I expected to be retired were. Relatives that I guessed had changed careers had. Other relatives were still chugging along with their lives as I had figured they would be.
I was cautious about how much I shared about my life in return for that info dump. I mentioned that I was surprised by how complicated the preparations for Cuddle Bear to graduate are. My dad laughed and told me to wait for college entry preparations. I mentioned that my father in law and mother in law were in declining health. My dad mentioned that he had seen my father in law at the grocery store and he looked to be in really rough shape. I agreed with him. We cycled back to the school angle and I mentioned that the kids are doing well this year. Dad asked how Beloved and I are doing. I told him that we were getting by. Because there's not a whole lot to add to that statement. Every day it's chop wood and carry water, as the Zen koan goes. The conversation wrapped up with my dad telling me that I could call him anytime for any reason. I am pretty sure he misses me. When I bump into him at the grocery store, he lights up with a big smile.
My father in law, on the other hand, is still a surly cur. He's got this bad habit that I'm familiar with of tending to ignore his health. This lead to him going to the hospital right before Yule. He was there for a week as they drained the ammonia that had built up in his system. By the time he came out, he was somewhat shaken by the experience and deeply thankful to Beloved, my brother in law, and his wife for 'saving' his life. Beloved and I agree that the credit lies with his brother, but his father wasn't exactly in a clear mental state as everything went down. The holidays were the holidays. Extra weird this year with that near death experience looming over things. I described it to Beloved as it felt like a hostage crisis and we were dependent upon Cuddle Bear's ability to talk non-stop about trains to get the good outcome. Like I said, extra weird. There's always a little weirdness because our family unit is atypical but this went beyond it in ways I can't quite describe.
As I was trudging through the year, last year, I managed to set up services to help my boys transition from school to life in the 'real' world. There's still a lot of learning that needs to happen and I can't seem to managed to get it done. As such, I was really thankful when the school recommended us to Catholic Charities for services. Each kid got a skill builder and there's been focused work on skills like anger management, emotional regulation, how to look for a job, and social skills. Cuddle Bear has finished his sessions with his skill builder as Snuggle Bug is still working with his. So far, I have nothing but good things to say about Catholic Charities and the assistance they've provided us. I'm still working on getting things going with the Office of People With Developmental Disabilities (OPWDD). It's a long process, but I think we're going to get things nailed down for Cuddle Bear before his 18th birthday.
Speaking of biting the bullet and getting help, I have decided to try again for disability. There have been hoops to jump through and a whole lot of hurry up and wait. But progress seems to be happening. The therapist that I've been seeing works really well with me. It has lead to a good deal of progress on things that I have always struggled with. I am pleased with this and hope to continue in this fashion as the year goes on. Some time in September, I gave myself a hernia. Our family doctor does not think it requires surgery at this time and gave me a list of activities I should limit. I am not pleased with this, but it was a result of my pushing myself too far. A bad habit I have. Next week, I get to experience the joy of a colonoscopy. I'm not looking forward to it. I am concerned they're going to find something pre-cancerous. The whole business of my grandfather and my father having cancer scared me. My doctors all reassure me that the likelihood of my having cancer isn't as high as my anxiety tells me it is. My therapist is talking me through the anxiety of it all. So my professional support system is working fairly well.
That pretty much wraps up how things are at my end of the internet. I am going to do my best to get back to writing. It feels like I'm missing a limb or something with the fact that I haven't been writing. Posting this helps with that feeling, I hope I can do more.
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