Waiting on a phone call.

 I don't know what to do. I'm just about ready to cry for no damn reason. My anxiety is creeping up higher every day. My sleep just isn't happening. As soon as the anxiety stuff wears off, I'm starting to wake up again. Last night, I woke up at 3 am and was in a minor panic wondering where I was. I eventually fell back to sleep. Other nights on this medication, I get real tired about an hour after I take it but it takes me about another half hour to actually fall asleep because my brain just keeps running in circles.

I'm coming to suspect what this mild/moderate depression that I've been dealing with for the last year is my acclimating to the medication that I'm on. I've called my doctor. (He literally called me as I was writing that sentence. He's made a big adjustment to one of my medications. I'll be talking to him next week to see how it goes. He's not sure if I've acclimated or if this is a temporary stress response. As such this med change is in effect for a month to see how it goes.)

I just want to cry. I feel like I have some how fucked up because my brain chemistry isn't working right. I hate this. My executive function hasn't been the best, which makes doing things like typing up blog posts hard. It makes remembering to pay the bills on time hard too. I feel like I'm a horrid person. I know that all of this goes right back to my parents telling me that I was just seeking attention when I was having problems with depression and their attitude that we have complete control over our thoughts and emotions. My depression was my refusing to cooperate or it was my not trying hard enough. It was never treated as though something was wrong, except as an inconvenience and problem for my parents.