Depressed? Or is it anxiety? Why not both?

I have my appointment with our family doctor Friday. My mood's been gradually tanking as the day draws closer. I am deeply concerned about the fact that I am eating approximately 70 carbs per day and my blood sugar is still doing stupid things. I'm supposed to be at a minimum of 90 carbs. It's been a year now. A year of this bullshit where I eat less and less with my blood sugar continuing to be stupid. They say that I'm worrying too much because my A1C looks good.

I am really struggling with the urge to just ignore when I feel hungry. This is not a good thing. Because, when I ignore feeling hungry my blood sugar can get fairly low before I realize I need to eat. And that's because I go 'huh, I feel hungry? it is real or is it my blood sugar is high?' and I test. I've been told that I'm testing too frequently. This is after I was told I wasn't testing often enough. 

I have cut dairy just about completely out of my diet. I'm considering cutting the meat that I eat to push back the hunger cravings out too because it's probably not doing my cholesterol any favors. I've cut out processed foods. My lunches are now peanut butter (no jelly or jam of any sort) on diet flat bread. I am eating salads but my blood sugar still spikes. I can't eat a 'normal' breakfast anymore. When I try, my blood sugar spikes. So, I am eating this ultra diet yogurt that's 3 carbs and granola that is 20 plus a cup of coffee with 1/2 and 1/2 in it (another 1 carb). That makes breakfast 24 carbs and I still feel rotten. I'm seriously considering going back to what I was accidentally doing and having a breakfast of 14 carbs. (I misread the label on the granola and thought it said 30, not 20 for total carbs. There was a few weeks where breakfast was 14 to 15 carbs.)

50 carbs for a diet is the beginning of ketosis level of carbs. Ketosis is fatal to diabetics. I am desperately attempting to avoid it. I have cut snacks out of my diet. My meals keep getting smaller. I am starting to fall back into patterns of avoiding food or avoiding eating with other people until I absolutely have to eat. This is taking a toll on my mental health. I know this is part of the reason why I am having so many flashbacks to when I was a kid.

I spent the first 20 years of my life with an eating disorder because of my tyrannical parents policy on food. This business of being hungry all the time and being isolated due to Covid-19 is proving to be a big trigger for bad memories. I can't find a therapist who takes my insurance. I really should have one, but it's basically impossible. I tried changing health insurance providers and I was denied because of preexisting conditions. So, I'm stuck with this heath insurance. The only option that keeps popping up on the therapist front is to go to the county mental health clinic.

Those were the fuckers that were the reason I almost lost my kids because of a mental health crisis that they created with their negligence. I will slog through this on my own before I go back there. So, to say the least, today is not a good day. I am afraid. I am anxious. And I feel horrible. Fuck diabetes.