Untitled.

 It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've been struggling to write. It's partly because I am depressed and partly because it seems like I lack the words to express what is going on with me. The holidays were brutal. I got through them more or less unscathed and with all of the gifts that I was making done in time. I was horrified by the insurrection attempt last week. At the same time, I was unsurprised. They have been making noises about this for literally the last year and a half. I anticipate more trouble coming from that front.

I have been doing my best to focus on my own hearth and home. It's my place of sanctuary. It is, however, difficult to do that when you are almost daily having emotional flashbacks to past trauma. It's been a hard year. 2020 was awful on so many fronts. On one hand, I am thankful that it is over. On the other hand, I dread what 2021 is going to bring us.

I have no idea when I'll be eligible for the Covid-19 vaccine or if it'll be effective against the strain running around in my neck of the woods. There's a lot of big 'what will this do?" kind of questions out there. No solid idea how long the vaccine provides immunity. No clear idea if it is effective against all strains or just one. It's scary. Will we get vaccinated when it becomes available? You bet your ass that we're going to do it. And we're probably going to continue with the safety protocols that we follow right now for a good while after we get vaccinated.

I am still in the position where I am going very low carb in my diet right now because of stress making my blood sugar numbers high when I eat normal portions. I am due to get my A1C checked again soon. I can't remember when my next appointment is supposed to be to follow up with our family doctor regarding my diabetes. I'll probably be calling them tomorrow to ask when that got set up for. If I had forgotten to set it up, I'll be scheduling it.

According to my diabetes educator, meals should be 30 to 45 carbs and snacks can be 10 to 15 carbs. I have been eating meals of 18 to 25 carbs and snacks of 6 to 12 carbs. I'm just skating over going to the Keto diet. My doctor has firmly admonished me not to attempt the keto diet because ketosis is fatal for diabetics. I honestly don't know what to do. My last A1C check had it down to 6.5, still within the diabetic arena but not as high as it was at my highest. I'm still on my medications, if my A1C comes down farther, I don't anticipate the doctor taking me off of my medications because I know with out them my blood sugar number would be much higher.

I worry about my diabetes eventually killing me. It is a recurring nightmare of mine since I got the diagnosis. I worry about falling back into my old anorexic eating patterns from when I was a kid because of this business of limiting carb intake to control my blood sugar. This is stuff I should likely bring up with my doctor. It is going to be difficult to have that conversation. That, however, seems to be the theme of my health stuff. I am somewhat resigned to this fate.