I am so angry and frustrated with diabetes right now. My A1C is 6.5, that's a good number. My fasting numbers should be in the range of 80 to 100. They're in the range of 160 to 200. My diabetes educator was confused by this and we discussed the matter. I explained that I had taken her advice from last year quite seriously. My meals got reduced and I've been avoiding snacks that are carb laden.
After a bit of discussion, she explained that fats will raise your blood sugar. What does that mean? Well, I can't snack on cheese when I am hungry between meals (which happens a lot). I have to cut down on how much half-n-half I put into my coffee, if not get rid of it. And I basically have to give up bread and grain related foods. Also, I need to keep my portion sizes small.
I mentioned my concern that I was on a fast track back to having an eating disorder again. In high school, I was undiagnosed anorexic and my weight fluctuated between 90 and 110 lbs for a young woman who stood 5ft 6in. I was a size 3 when I went to my senior prom. I didn't eat a proper diet. Oh, the food I chose to eat were healthy but I didn't eat enough. It literally took me about five to six years to learn how to eat like a normal person. I know several women my age who mourn their figure from when they were in high school, but I never want to look like that again.
I was cold all the time. I took to wearing sweaters in all weather, including summer. I was hungry all the time but I learned to be indifferent to it. I padded my stomach with liquids so that I didn't feel hunger pains quite so strongly. (Part of the reason why I drank copious amounts of tea was so that I didn't feel hungry.) I also took to sneaking food out of the fridge when my tyrannical parents weren't looking and eating little snacks on the sly.
Judging what I ate then based on what I know now about portion sizes, I was skating the line of the keto diet. In my efforts now to reduce my blood sugar, I eat increasingly smaller portions. I am now eating on average somewhere between 20 and 25 carbs for breakfast and dinner, 30 carbs at lunch, and at most 6 carbs for a snack in the afternoon. It isn't enough, though, because my blood sugar still spikes after I eat.
The diabetes educator told me to keep doing what I have been. I don't think I made it clear to her that I am getting back to where I have to force myself to eat at times or I am binging on low carb foods (cheese, meat) in an effort not to eat what my brain is telling me is forbidden. It has been a very long year. She was more impressed with the fact that my A1C was a 'good' number than she was concerned with the resurgence of old habits. I fear the prospect of going out to eat dinner because I'm afraid that I'm going to eat too many carbs and my blood sugar is going to spike way too high. I fret about meals because I don't know how few carbs I can safely eat with out going into ketosis.
On top of all of that, I've been having emotional flashbacks to being in my teens. My home doesn't feel safe. My home doesn't feel like my home. It feels like I'm at somebody else's house waiting for my parents to come drag me back to the farm. I'm afraid to engage in personal care because I'm afraid I'm going to be assaulted whilst doing so (because that happened on the regular during that period of time).
My psychiatrist strongly suggested that I find a therapist. I can't, however, because nobody takes my health insurance. And I'll be damned if I go to the county mental health clinic again for care. They screwed me over in a big way before. I'll figure it out on my own before I go back there. I'm still traumatized from that year of hell.
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