So, my youngest child is sick with some kinda virus. He's been home for the last two days. His fever broke yesterday. I thought maybe he'd be well enough to go back to school tomorrow. I was wrong. Snuggle Bug has been eating light because his stomach is bothering him. As such, when he had dinner and actually ate the whole meal, I thought he was feeling better. Twenty minutes later he was getting sick to his stomach.
I have a list of things that I'm trying to get done before yule. My major cleaning is mostly completed. I have all of the gifts that I was going to make by hand done now. And presents for a number of people are taken care of. They just need to be wrapped. But the boys keep trying to figure out what their presents are. And they know that everything that you could possibly need for anything is in the project room, and deduced that their presents are hiding in there as well. So, whenever I open the door to go in there and get something, they bust in and look around. It's getting exasperating.
I have an enormous pile of laundry that I need to fold and put away. It's been sitting there for weeks. Summer clothes waiting to get put away among stuff that I have actually been using. It's just been hard to get to it and get it done. Now, I feel this pressure to get it finished by the end of the week before Beloved goes out and does this week's laundry.
I was going to do some baking this year. I had Beloved pick up a bag of brown sugar substitute for me to use in baking a batch of cookies. I am just unable to gather up the energy to attempt to bake cookies this year in the face of last year's disastrous results. When they say you can substitute an artificial sweetener for sugar 1:1, check the fine print on the bag. It will likely tell you that the ratio is actually such where you use half the sugar for the recipe and then half your sweetener. If you try it out like I did last year, your cookies spread and don't firm up. They make a mess.
I am attempting to gather up the will power to do batch cooking breakfast items for me to have over the next week. My goal is to make something that I can freeze and thaw to eat later. Again, I am having difficulties doing this. As a result, I have been just staring at the eggs and breakfast sausage in the fridge morosely before shutting the door. The kids christmas break is going to be two weeks long this year. It is going to be a very long two weeks with the weather promising to be very cold.
It feels like every time I turn around, there is something waiting to go wrong, topple over, or generally make a disaster out of itself. I've been attempting to get into the 'holiday spirit' but this business of resurrecting my computer and stuff is raining on that almost as much as the seasonal affective disorder is. Thank gods for the anxiety medication though, because I'd be pretty much non functional right now with out it.
I had to explain to someone why I couldn't do a 'girl's night out' some time this month. That conversation went better than I expected, but it still sucked. Because I feel like I'm defective due to all of my psychological issues. Social phobia is a bitch. I had to turn down going to a yule gathering on the solstice because I knew that I was going to have difficulty getting there (because my night vision is increasingly fucked thanks to my genetics), it was going to interrupt in a major way the daily routine for the household, and I basically turn into a pumpkin around 9 or 10 pm thanks to my medications. No point going out to a party where the point is to stay up late, socialize, and watch the sunrise when you can't do it.
I'm angry that I have so many issues getting in the way of things like seeing my friends out in Buffalo or doing normal stuff like grocery shopping. Because of the holiday crowds in the stores, my social phobia has been really high. Thanks to my medications, I can get through some of it and power my way through the anxiety. But it's been rough.
It's all bullshit. I'm sick of the bullshit of the diabetes getting in the way of what kind of food I can cook. I'm sick of the bullshit of my ptsd and social phobia making me check where the exits are whenever I enter a crowded building and hyperaware of who/what is behind me. I'm sick of the depression making it damn near impossible for me to enjoy this season where so many others are having an obviously good time. I'm tired of being the odd man out by not being Christian and having my holy days ignored, or adjusting when I celebrate them so that they fall more inline with the Christian calendar, this way my kids get to experience the holiday season like their peers.
I wish that there was a way to make things work better. I wish that my brain didn't have the issues it does.
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