Light therapy is helping some, but SAD is still an issue right now. According to Beloved, I am doing much better than I was around Thanksgiving and light years better than I was this time last year. All I know is that I'm tired and frustrated with the fact that it is hard for me to summon up the energy to get the things I want to do done. I also suspect that I might be beginning to come down with a cold, but I'm not entirely sure. The sinus issues could be because everybody in the building except for us has a dog and I am now allergic to dogs.
Yesterday was a rough day. It was overcast and raining all day. For some reason I have yet to fully divine, heavily cloudy skies and rain makes my mood even worse than normal. I have been doing a bit better on the anxiety front with the medications and avoiding things that trigger it. [...]
So, my youngest child broke a portable fan he had. He's now crying and furious because I threw it away. I told him it was ruined and we had to throw it away. He is fussing and insisting that he's a bad kid. He's basically saying everything he can think of to try to get me to fish the thing back out of the garbage. I'm not doing it, but he's now miserable and is irritating the hell out of me with this whining.
I tell myself that he's going to grow out of this.
roses
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Sunday, December 29, 2019
It's almost the end of the show.
Yes, the title is a reference to that damn sock puppet show that my Beloved loves. He'll probably snicker when he reads it. I've been busy over the last few weeks. Presents are done, except for the small ones for the kids over the remainder of Yule. We celebrate 12 days of Yule, starting at Christmas so that the extended family who are predominantly Christian don't feel weird.
I am glad that my kids don't have the flu this year. I'm glad that my husband doesn't have the flu or that I don't have it either. We got that fun over with the week before the holiday break. Snuggle Bug had it and he was miserable for a few days. He got well just in time to go to the last day of school for the year. Unfortunately, he had to spend some time catching up on classwork instead of doing all the fun activities that were planned. He was particularly grumpy that afternoon when he got home from school.
Cuddle Bear's report card came in and he's on honor roll again. He's really proud of himself and with good reason. He's been working hard and maturing a lot over this last year. He is still very imaginative and engages in a great deal of imaginative play. He is, however, getting better at accepting the difference between reality and what he wants to be real. That's a big milestone. The developmental delays due to the autism still have an effect on his academics but the school is working with him and he is thriving.
Snuggle Bug's report card isn't due until February. His last report card indicated all good things. He also is maturing and working hard over the last year. His imagination is very much at play, at times distracting him from his school work. I expect that he will reach the similar big milestone that his big brother is at around the same age as his brother has. Because, Snuggle Bug is very much at the same place his brother was with a bit more of the ADHD being a problem. Interestingly, however, he is really getting into the STEM subjects, just like his brother.
I don't know if it is because we encourage them to explore the world and such. I kinda taught them the scientific method as young children, it was a watered down version but it was still there. It has turned out to be a really helpful thing for them. It has given them a better grip on problem solving skills and helps them organize reality a bit better.
It's been a good year for the kids. We're hanging in there on all other fronts. The old Subaru was in the process of collapsing back in October, so we replaced it. The new Subaru is a bit bigger and came with more bells and whistles standard. Beloved's taken to it like a duck to water. I'm still getting used to it. I'm thankful that it is an automatic transmission. I hate and am not very apt at driving stick shift. It has those ridiculous military grade 500000000000 watt headlights that blind damn near everybody on low beams. I feel a little bad for other drivers but then I remember that these are common in the newer cars and that's why they've been beaming me in the eyes for the last few years.
So, life goes on. We have our collective health and well being. I am thankful. Although, I am looking forward to when the kids go back to school so I am not having my day soundtracked by fart noises.
I am glad that my kids don't have the flu this year. I'm glad that my husband doesn't have the flu or that I don't have it either. We got that fun over with the week before the holiday break. Snuggle Bug had it and he was miserable for a few days. He got well just in time to go to the last day of school for the year. Unfortunately, he had to spend some time catching up on classwork instead of doing all the fun activities that were planned. He was particularly grumpy that afternoon when he got home from school.
Cuddle Bear's report card came in and he's on honor roll again. He's really proud of himself and with good reason. He's been working hard and maturing a lot over this last year. He is still very imaginative and engages in a great deal of imaginative play. He is, however, getting better at accepting the difference between reality and what he wants to be real. That's a big milestone. The developmental delays due to the autism still have an effect on his academics but the school is working with him and he is thriving.
Snuggle Bug's report card isn't due until February. His last report card indicated all good things. He also is maturing and working hard over the last year. His imagination is very much at play, at times distracting him from his school work. I expect that he will reach the similar big milestone that his big brother is at around the same age as his brother has. Because, Snuggle Bug is very much at the same place his brother was with a bit more of the ADHD being a problem. Interestingly, however, he is really getting into the STEM subjects, just like his brother.
I don't know if it is because we encourage them to explore the world and such. I kinda taught them the scientific method as young children, it was a watered down version but it was still there. It has turned out to be a really helpful thing for them. It has given them a better grip on problem solving skills and helps them organize reality a bit better.
It's been a good year for the kids. We're hanging in there on all other fronts. The old Subaru was in the process of collapsing back in October, so we replaced it. The new Subaru is a bit bigger and came with more bells and whistles standard. Beloved's taken to it like a duck to water. I'm still getting used to it. I'm thankful that it is an automatic transmission. I hate and am not very apt at driving stick shift. It has those ridiculous military grade 500000000000 watt headlights that blind damn near everybody on low beams. I feel a little bad for other drivers but then I remember that these are common in the newer cars and that's why they've been beaming me in the eyes for the last few years.
So, life goes on. We have our collective health and well being. I am thankful. Although, I am looking forward to when the kids go back to school so I am not having my day soundtracked by fart noises.
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Random Bullshit is Bullshit.
So, my youngest child is sick with some kinda virus. He's been home for the last two days. His fever broke yesterday. I thought maybe he'd be well enough to go back to school tomorrow. I was wrong. Snuggle Bug has been eating light because his stomach is bothering him. As such, when he had dinner and actually ate the whole meal, I thought he was feeling better. Twenty minutes later he was getting sick to his stomach.
I have a list of things that I'm trying to get done before yule. My major cleaning is mostly completed. I have all of the gifts that I was going to make by hand done now. And presents for a number of people are taken care of. They just need to be wrapped. But the boys keep trying to figure out what their presents are. And they know that everything that you could possibly need for anything is in the project room, and deduced that their presents are hiding in there as well. So, whenever I open the door to go in there and get something, they bust in and look around. It's getting exasperating.
I have an enormous pile of laundry that I need to fold and put away. It's been sitting there for weeks. Summer clothes waiting to get put away among stuff that I have actually been using. It's just been hard to get to it and get it done. Now, I feel this pressure to get it finished by the end of the week before Beloved goes out and does this week's laundry.
I was going to do some baking this year. I had Beloved pick up a bag of brown sugar substitute for me to use in baking a batch of cookies. I am just unable to gather up the energy to attempt to bake cookies this year in the face of last year's disastrous results. When they say you can substitute an artificial sweetener for sugar 1:1, check the fine print on the bag. It will likely tell you that the ratio is actually such where you use half the sugar for the recipe and then half your sweetener. If you try it out like I did last year, your cookies spread and don't firm up. They make a mess.
I am attempting to gather up the will power to do batch cooking breakfast items for me to have over the next week. My goal is to make something that I can freeze and thaw to eat later. Again, I am having difficulties doing this. As a result, I have been just staring at the eggs and breakfast sausage in the fridge morosely before shutting the door. The kids christmas break is going to be two weeks long this year. It is going to be a very long two weeks with the weather promising to be very cold.
It feels like every time I turn around, there is something waiting to go wrong, topple over, or generally make a disaster out of itself. I've been attempting to get into the 'holiday spirit' but this business of resurrecting my computer and stuff is raining on that almost as much as the seasonal affective disorder is. Thank gods for the anxiety medication though, because I'd be pretty much non functional right now with out it.
I had to explain to someone why I couldn't do a 'girl's night out' some time this month. That conversation went better than I expected, but it still sucked. Because I feel like I'm defective due to all of my psychological issues. Social phobia is a bitch. I had to turn down going to a yule gathering on the solstice because I knew that I was going to have difficulty getting there (because my night vision is increasingly fucked thanks to my genetics), it was going to interrupt in a major way the daily routine for the household, and I basically turn into a pumpkin around 9 or 10 pm thanks to my medications. No point going out to a party where the point is to stay up late, socialize, and watch the sunrise when you can't do it.
I'm angry that I have so many issues getting in the way of things like seeing my friends out in Buffalo or doing normal stuff like grocery shopping. Because of the holiday crowds in the stores, my social phobia has been really high. Thanks to my medications, I can get through some of it and power my way through the anxiety. But it's been rough.
It's all bullshit. I'm sick of the bullshit of the diabetes getting in the way of what kind of food I can cook. I'm sick of the bullshit of my ptsd and social phobia making me check where the exits are whenever I enter a crowded building and hyperaware of who/what is behind me. I'm sick of the depression making it damn near impossible for me to enjoy this season where so many others are having an obviously good time. I'm tired of being the odd man out by not being Christian and having my holy days ignored, or adjusting when I celebrate them so that they fall more inline with the Christian calendar, this way my kids get to experience the holiday season like their peers.
I wish that there was a way to make things work better. I wish that my brain didn't have the issues it does.
I have a list of things that I'm trying to get done before yule. My major cleaning is mostly completed. I have all of the gifts that I was going to make by hand done now. And presents for a number of people are taken care of. They just need to be wrapped. But the boys keep trying to figure out what their presents are. And they know that everything that you could possibly need for anything is in the project room, and deduced that their presents are hiding in there as well. So, whenever I open the door to go in there and get something, they bust in and look around. It's getting exasperating.
I have an enormous pile of laundry that I need to fold and put away. It's been sitting there for weeks. Summer clothes waiting to get put away among stuff that I have actually been using. It's just been hard to get to it and get it done. Now, I feel this pressure to get it finished by the end of the week before Beloved goes out and does this week's laundry.
I was going to do some baking this year. I had Beloved pick up a bag of brown sugar substitute for me to use in baking a batch of cookies. I am just unable to gather up the energy to attempt to bake cookies this year in the face of last year's disastrous results. When they say you can substitute an artificial sweetener for sugar 1:1, check the fine print on the bag. It will likely tell you that the ratio is actually such where you use half the sugar for the recipe and then half your sweetener. If you try it out like I did last year, your cookies spread and don't firm up. They make a mess.
I am attempting to gather up the will power to do batch cooking breakfast items for me to have over the next week. My goal is to make something that I can freeze and thaw to eat later. Again, I am having difficulties doing this. As a result, I have been just staring at the eggs and breakfast sausage in the fridge morosely before shutting the door. The kids christmas break is going to be two weeks long this year. It is going to be a very long two weeks with the weather promising to be very cold.
It feels like every time I turn around, there is something waiting to go wrong, topple over, or generally make a disaster out of itself. I've been attempting to get into the 'holiday spirit' but this business of resurrecting my computer and stuff is raining on that almost as much as the seasonal affective disorder is. Thank gods for the anxiety medication though, because I'd be pretty much non functional right now with out it.
I had to explain to someone why I couldn't do a 'girl's night out' some time this month. That conversation went better than I expected, but it still sucked. Because I feel like I'm defective due to all of my psychological issues. Social phobia is a bitch. I had to turn down going to a yule gathering on the solstice because I knew that I was going to have difficulty getting there (because my night vision is increasingly fucked thanks to my genetics), it was going to interrupt in a major way the daily routine for the household, and I basically turn into a pumpkin around 9 or 10 pm thanks to my medications. No point going out to a party where the point is to stay up late, socialize, and watch the sunrise when you can't do it.
I'm angry that I have so many issues getting in the way of things like seeing my friends out in Buffalo or doing normal stuff like grocery shopping. Because of the holiday crowds in the stores, my social phobia has been really high. Thanks to my medications, I can get through some of it and power my way through the anxiety. But it's been rough.
It's all bullshit. I'm sick of the bullshit of the diabetes getting in the way of what kind of food I can cook. I'm sick of the bullshit of my ptsd and social phobia making me check where the exits are whenever I enter a crowded building and hyperaware of who/what is behind me. I'm sick of the depression making it damn near impossible for me to enjoy this season where so many others are having an obviously good time. I'm tired of being the odd man out by not being Christian and having my holy days ignored, or adjusting when I celebrate them so that they fall more inline with the Christian calendar, this way my kids get to experience the holiday season like their peers.
I wish that there was a way to make things work better. I wish that my brain didn't have the issues it does.
Monday, December 16, 2019
I am annoyed.
I have been trying to write and it's been all going sideways. It didn't help that my youngest got sick. He's been sick for the last 3 days and he seems to be doing better. If his fever is truly gone and he keeps his morning medication down, I may send him off to school tomorrow. I don't know.
I wanted to write something for someone as a gift but I am stuck. My brain tells me that it isn't a fitting gift to give. It is also something that I am concerned the recipient may not enjoy.
I still feel like I should write something. As I have said, I am annoyed.
I wanted to write something for someone as a gift but I am stuck. My brain tells me that it isn't a fitting gift to give. It is also something that I am concerned the recipient may not enjoy.
I still feel like I should write something. As I have said, I am annoyed.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Being a Responsible Adult is mightily vexing.
I officially am done adulting for today. Fortunately, my Beloved just got home from work. I have spent my day doing my best to drop kick life into order. Took care of bills, folded up some laundry, cleaned up some of the disaster the kids left in the living room before they went off to school, the usual. It weighs on me.
I feel pressured to make things for the holidays but having just over two weeks to go, I know that I am not going to accomplish handmade gifts for everyone. I'm having difficulty finding things for the 12 days we celebrate Yule. It's primarily a thing for the kids. Still, I am struggling to find little stocking stuffer types of toys for them. I've got stuff for peg dolls. I made two yesterday. My hands shook pretty bad as I got going on them. They really didn't come out as planned. Aside from peg dolls, I don't know what else to do. I need to go shopping. The prospect of battling the mobs of people at the store makes me extremely uneasy.
I spent my day today fighting with the computer. We had to completely wipe it and reinstall windows. In the process, I have lost all of my bookmarks and the passwords to the websites that I have been using, like Facebook. Fortunately, my notebooks were mostly accurate in what I had written down. And I was able to create new, stronger passwords for the sites I use. That, however, ate most of my day. And my patience.
If it weren't for the fact that we really need to be frugal with our money, I would have ordered a pizza for dinner tonight. If it weren't for the fact that I couldn't eat it, I would probably have done it anyway. Still, I am a responsible adult and I made what I had on my menu for this week, tacos.
I'm tired. I am exasperated. And I am upset. I have enough life circumstances happening, that I can't go out to the Yule party that my friends are holding. I am frustrated with my limitations that have come because I am sick. I am frustrated with the fact that my night vision is getting worse. I am tired of not being social because I'm so anxious about judgment.
I feel pressured to make things for the holidays but having just over two weeks to go, I know that I am not going to accomplish handmade gifts for everyone. I'm having difficulty finding things for the 12 days we celebrate Yule. It's primarily a thing for the kids. Still, I am struggling to find little stocking stuffer types of toys for them. I've got stuff for peg dolls. I made two yesterday. My hands shook pretty bad as I got going on them. They really didn't come out as planned. Aside from peg dolls, I don't know what else to do. I need to go shopping. The prospect of battling the mobs of people at the store makes me extremely uneasy.
I spent my day today fighting with the computer. We had to completely wipe it and reinstall windows. In the process, I have lost all of my bookmarks and the passwords to the websites that I have been using, like Facebook. Fortunately, my notebooks were mostly accurate in what I had written down. And I was able to create new, stronger passwords for the sites I use. That, however, ate most of my day. And my patience.
If it weren't for the fact that we really need to be frugal with our money, I would have ordered a pizza for dinner tonight. If it weren't for the fact that I couldn't eat it, I would probably have done it anyway. Still, I am a responsible adult and I made what I had on my menu for this week, tacos.
I'm tired. I am exasperated. And I am upset. I have enough life circumstances happening, that I can't go out to the Yule party that my friends are holding. I am frustrated with my limitations that have come because I am sick. I am frustrated with the fact that my night vision is getting worse. I am tired of not being social because I'm so anxious about judgment.
Saturday, December 07, 2019
WTF computer?
I've been having technical difficulties with my computer for a few days now. It looks like it is necessary to save all of the important data and wipe it clean before reinstalling windows. I honestly have no idea how this is going to go. I have backed up ALL THE THINGS. Hopefully, I'll be back on here posting from the laptop again soon. In the meantime, I may be posting from my phone. Who knows. Technology and I just don't get along sometimes. This is one of those times.
Wednesday, December 04, 2019
My brain is sick, this is not a moral failing.
The subject line has been my mantra for today. It's not working so great. Internalized ableism and related bullshit has me going "I don't have two broken arms or two broken legs, I should be able to do the thing and more." It sucks.
Tuesday, December 03, 2019
Dear Hacker.
I honestly am amused and almost flattered that you attempted to hijack my account. Kindly go fuck yourself and may a plague of fleas infest your crotch.
Operation Clean for the Holidays is GO!
I have begun the process of deep cleaning the apartment for the holidays. I'm not really expecting too many visitors. Most of my friends live a good ways off and it is something of a hike to come visit. Still, there is this ingrained thing from my childhood that before the holiday decorations can go up, the home must be utterly clean. Something of a challenge with two prepubescent boys, but they're even getting into this idea.
My brain is misfiring presently. I'm pretty sure that Beloved was right when he said that I seemed to be entering a mixed episode. I feel like crap and I want to sleep. At the same time, I feel incredible pressure to do ALL THE THINGS. I have the kitchen pretty close to clean. I spent my day yesterday cleaning. I was going to do a blog post on here but I just got into this cleaning groove and worked on the kitchen. I scrubbed up dishes, wiped down the stove and the sink. I put away a small pile of toys that were just kicking around the room. I did a bunch of things.
The room looks a lot better, but it's not quite done yet. Today, I am going to attempt to finish it up. Tomorrow, I scrub the bathroom. I'm not looking forward to that task. For some reason I can not fathom, I can't manage to get the tub fully clean. I have my orange based cleaning stuff that I am going to try. If that doesn't work, I may have to go get a can of scouring powder and do it the old fashioned way. That orange based cleaning spray usually can clean most everything up. It was an accidental find years ago at Dollar General. I haven't been able to find it since.
Also on my list of things to get done today is to finish my planning of yule presents. I feel sad that my night vision issues keeps me from attending the yule vigil party hosted by my friends out in Buffalo. I am thinking about doing a nice dinner and inviting a few folks over on the Solstice. It depends on how stable I am and what I can accomplish between now and then.
My brain is misfiring presently. I'm pretty sure that Beloved was right when he said that I seemed to be entering a mixed episode. I feel like crap and I want to sleep. At the same time, I feel incredible pressure to do ALL THE THINGS. I have the kitchen pretty close to clean. I spent my day yesterday cleaning. I was going to do a blog post on here but I just got into this cleaning groove and worked on the kitchen. I scrubbed up dishes, wiped down the stove and the sink. I put away a small pile of toys that were just kicking around the room. I did a bunch of things.
The room looks a lot better, but it's not quite done yet. Today, I am going to attempt to finish it up. Tomorrow, I scrub the bathroom. I'm not looking forward to that task. For some reason I can not fathom, I can't manage to get the tub fully clean. I have my orange based cleaning stuff that I am going to try. If that doesn't work, I may have to go get a can of scouring powder and do it the old fashioned way. That orange based cleaning spray usually can clean most everything up. It was an accidental find years ago at Dollar General. I haven't been able to find it since.
Also on my list of things to get done today is to finish my planning of yule presents. I feel sad that my night vision issues keeps me from attending the yule vigil party hosted by my friends out in Buffalo. I am thinking about doing a nice dinner and inviting a few folks over on the Solstice. It depends on how stable I am and what I can accomplish between now and then.
Sunday, December 01, 2019
Inbound Winter Storm?
Last night, I got an alert on my phone's weather app that we were under a winter storm adivsory. It was going to go from 4 am to around 3 pm today. It's been extended to 7 pm tomorrow. It's raining right now. I don't know what that means for later today. We're mostly prepared for being stuck in the house if we get a legit winter storm. I may fill up a few pitchers with water just to be on the safe side. Thankfully, Beloved got all the shopping done yesterday despite the stores being pure chaos.
NaNoWriMo finished yesterday. My book is not finished. It is not anywhere close to finished. I don't know if I am going to get it done during Camp NaNoWriMo or if I am just going to peck at it over the next few months. Final word count for the month is 101 k. All of this started of as a stupid piece of fan fiction featuring characters I developed for a LARP. I thought it was going to finish up at 30k. I was completely wrong. I started at 20k. So, I wrote 80k over the month despite my depression and things like family responsibilities.
I have been struggling in other areas, though. I keep forgetting to update my food log for the last month. Stuff just keeps happening and I get caught up in trying to get things done. I forget to write down what I ate, but I am careful to stay within my carb limits so it isn't a complete disaster. I forgot to fill in my daily planner over the month. This makes two months now that I've done this. Beloved said that this isn't typically like me. Usually, I am right on top of keeping things organized and keeping my records. I've been really depressed over the last few months. Not to the point of suicidal thoughts but it's been hard.
NaNoWriMo finished yesterday. My book is not finished. It is not anywhere close to finished. I don't know if I am going to get it done during Camp NaNoWriMo or if I am just going to peck at it over the next few months. Final word count for the month is 101 k. All of this started of as a stupid piece of fan fiction featuring characters I developed for a LARP. I thought it was going to finish up at 30k. I was completely wrong. I started at 20k. So, I wrote 80k over the month despite my depression and things like family responsibilities.
I have been struggling in other areas, though. I keep forgetting to update my food log for the last month. Stuff just keeps happening and I get caught up in trying to get things done. I forget to write down what I ate, but I am careful to stay within my carb limits so it isn't a complete disaster. I forgot to fill in my daily planner over the month. This makes two months now that I've done this. Beloved said that this isn't typically like me. Usually, I am right on top of keeping things organized and keeping my records. I've been really depressed over the last few months. Not to the point of suicidal thoughts but it's been hard.
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