Ugh! It's Monday.

It's Monday and, boy, does it feel like it! I knew it was going to be snowing last night long before I saw that weather report because of the ache I felt down deep in my joints. It is an ache that has only gotten more intense as the current weather system has moved thru. It started off as a slight twinge of discomfort but now my wrists switch back and forth as to which feels like I sprained it. My elbows are beginning to complain as is my back. The joints in my toes are feeling some pain also, but more in my right foot then my left. The aches and pains are just no fun.

It's not helping things any that I have caught the head cold that has been bothering the boys. I have zip for energy right now. I'm seriously debating if I should take a nap or if I should attempt to slog thru the dishes. Of course, I'm not doing either. Instead, I'm sitting here drinking orange juice, nibbling on pretzels, and typing.

The boys are on the mend and should be well soon. It is a fact that I'm most thankful for. I was getting worried about Snuggle Bug for a little bit there but that terrible cough is improving along with just about everything else from what I can tell. So I am here feeling woozy, achey, and congested. Torn between guilt for not having the apartment clean, irritation with this body wracking cough, and dread at the thought of fetching the mail, I'm questioning just how clearly I am thinking. Both boys are down for their afternoon nap. I think Momma is going to take her cold medicine, clear some space on the couch, and take her own nap.

It's not like the dishes are going to run away. And if they were at that point, well... they'd do an armed revolt and I'd be screwed anyways.

Warming up for the holidays?

I've been on a big hot cocoa kick of late. It has been because the hot cocoa helps make me feel better when I am ill with the warmth and I've been craving chocolate. It has been primarily the instant hot cocoa that you buy at the store. It's not half as good as what I'm going to be making for myself later today because I'm trying to make myself feel a little happier about the holidays.

Waking up at 3:45 in the morning and being awake until 7:30 just doesn't make for a good morning. Thankfully, Snuggle Bug took a nap and Cuddle Bear didn't wake up until 8:15. This meant that I got to get a nap while hubby took his shower this morning. There's been several mornings like this recently and it hasn't done much for my mood. Hubby's threatening to frog march me to bed earlier at night until this bout of illness is over, so this should give an indication of how cranky I've been.

I'm just not feeling that 'holiday cheer' right now. There's been enough stuff making my life crazy of late that it's got me feeling like the best present I could get is to sleep in late ... in some exotic location where there is nothing around to make me a crazy woman. Since hubby and I are not going to be taking a romantic trip to the Caribbean anytime soon, I'm just doing my best to thole and get thru.

I'm taking a page from FlyLady's book and doing a little self-pampering today. I haven't been doing enough of that and I think that's a big part of the problem. Making myself crazy over the holidays and the state of the house isn't good for me or anybody else around here. It's tough because I'm recognizing that as the housewife, I am kinda the anchor for the family. For some reason, I didn't fully comprehend just how much work that was going to be, especially with two small children. So, I'm going to try to get life a little more organized around here and make it work better.

Part of that is going to be making myself some hot chocolate:

2 C. Water
1/4 C. Sugar
4 Oz. bittersweet chocolate, melted
1/4 C. Dutch-processed cocoa powder

Boil the water and sugar in a medium sauce pan until the sugar dissolves. Stirring constantly with a whisk, add the chocolate and cocoa. Heat the mixture until the first bubble pops on the surface. Remove from heat and whip in a blender for 1 minute. Serve immediately. (Makes 2 servings)
- Recipe from Dorie Greenspan's Chocolate Desserts by Pierre Herme (via an article in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle from 2002, I think.)

Blessed Yule, everybody!

Blessed Yule! This winter solstice, I am still finishing gifts up and working on getting our home clean, as true with the year before and the year before that. I, however, am blessed with two children and a loving husband. The worst complaint at the moment that I can think of is that I hate having a cold. For me to be saying that right now in the face of all the stress in my life at the moment is a wonderful thing. And having some hot cocoa right now helps with that itchy/sore feeling at the back of my throat, even the cold isn't as bad as it could be.

I hope that this feeling sticks around today, because it would really help out with getting things done. I wasn't up all night last night, but I kinda feel like I was. Sitting here listening to the geese fly over head as they make their way from the lake we're living near to where ever it is that they're going, I am struck by how mournful they sound. It doesn't matter what mood I am in, the sound of the geese calling makes me think of those sad moments in life that are filled with a heavy, thoughtful sorrow that can't be conveyed with words. I suppose the concept of a 'swan-song' is better but I've never heard a swan's call before. Geese, however, always seem to manage to fill that point.

Long days and longer nights.

That seems to sum up when a small child has an illness. No matter how minor it may be to the health officials assisting you in dealing with it, the illness still proves to be especially fraying upon the nerves of the parents/caregivers and the child. In a household with two small children who are sick with a nasty head cold and the adults are now afflicted with the damn thing, I question the standard of 'minor'.

Hubby, who never gets sick has been having wretched sinus headaches. Thankfully, the cold medicine is actually helping him some this time. We seem to have a hit or miss thing going on with cold medicine's effectiveness for my dear husband. It makes me thankful that he doesn't get sick very often and that he recovers quickly when he does. He seems to be on the mend, as is Cuddle Bear. Now, it's just Snuggle Bug and I who are miserable.

My crankiness from yesterday is a combination of feeling rotten, lack of truly restful sleep, stress, and the wonders of womanhood. I honestly do believe that life has thrown enough weird things into the mix that I can't say that I really should be surprised by the fact that when I got myself fixed (hey, if we call it that when we're neutering pets, we can call it when we're neutering ourselves!) that I have found my menses to be even more uncomfortable.

I really do hope that it's just stress that has been making me so incredibly cranky over the last few months. If the hormonal swings from having PCOS have been made worse by this business... Well, I'm going to be absolutely miserable. The depression/anxiety thing hasn't been exactly helping me but I'm finding that it doesn't make me into a cranky and bitchy woman. It makes me rather whiney, apathetic, and easily prone to burst into apologies/tears over something.

I'm rambling right now. Part of the reason is that I am tired and part of it is because I don't really know what to say at the moment. I really should be working on cleaning up the mountain of dishes or finishing up Snuggle Bug's yule gift. But I wanted to write in here before I forgot about it again. So, my rambling inanity has been presented and I'll probably screw around in one of my other blogs because I'm not interested in doing any chores right now.

Because no one reads this anyways...

Yeah, I realize that is an emotional statement and that there are people out there who actually do read this. I'm just so over ridden with fury right now at the entire damn situation at the moment that it's put a negative spin on everything. I recognize that stress takes a toll on the body. I recognize that we all need to do something about it and find some way to cope with it. I recognize that being up all night with a fussy baby is hell.

I also don't give a damn at the moment because I'm so angry I want to spit nails. Cuddle Bear is in a foul mood because he doesn't feel well and I'm not letting him get into toys that he's not big enough for yet. He absolutely LOVES trucks and he has a few trucks that are more appropriate for a 4 to 5 year old child. They were out of reach up on top of a bookcase that he decided to try to climb last night. The bookcase fell over and he's a few minor bruises, with all the things on it scattered across his room now. Yeah, that made last night really suck.

This morning isn't off to a good start because Snuggle Bug just threw a two hour tantrum. The whole place is absolutely filthy because I haven't been able to keep things clean and get the yule presents done and tend two small children with colds. I've now caught the damn thing. So, I'm sitting here filled with rage, damn near, because my home is a disaster. Hubby looks around and says it just looks lived in and that I'm being unreasonable with myself for expecting to have it clean.

I can't get organized enough even for the baby steps part of the FlyLady program. I've been trying for damn near three weeks now and I can't manage it. I'm overwhelmed by the stuff that needs to get done around here everyday and I'm falling behind. At the same time, I'm trying to also manage the finances, plan for monthly needs, keep the family schedule under control (thank the gods that neither of the boys are in school right now!), and get things taken care of for special things that come up in the month, like yule. At the same time, I'm trying my damndest to be supportive to my husband when his boss is being a motherfucker and driving him to a nervous breakdown (because we honestly don't know if he's going to even have a job MONDAY, never mind next month) and keep MY psychological issues under control.

Oh, sure, I was looking into getting a counselor to work thru the whole PTSD thing that's been making my life HELL for the last few months back in September. But.. Well, I realized that I wouldn't have anybody to baby sit the kids for an appointment. So I had to say the hell with that and pray that the antidepressants will at least do enough to keep me from having anxiety attacks or bad problems with dissociation.

[... angry bitter ranting edited out ...]

You know, somedays I wish that I smoked, drank, or had something that took the edge off of all this stress.

Update (2/2)

Now, if you feel like you are jumping in at the middle right now, it's because you are. Please, read my last post to clear up any confusion. Otherwise, enjoy the ride! :) My story of the last several months is about to get a lot more interesting.

So, I stopped with August. It was early September when the fecal matter hit the artificial wind machine between my Mother and I. This, however, was after I went to my first Fiber Festival. I had an absolute ball and I lack the words to express how much I appreciated my mother-in-law bringing me with her. Having the day free from the children and getting to visit with her was just what I needed at that time, her generously buying me a small tapestry loom and a niddy-noddy was just absolutely over the top amazing! Everyone I met there was so warm and inviting. It was an absolute surprise (and delight) when I was invited to give a presentation at next year's festival on how to spin using a wrist distaff. I was so excited I could hardly speak! Then, when I found my words, I just couldn't stop saying thank you.

That wonderful moment in September was then followed by the worst. First, one of my aunts, whom we had learned was diagnosed with esophageal cancer back at the beginning of August, died. This was a woman who was a picture of grace, civility, and kindness. I have admired her for a long time and have always been thrilled that she and my uncle (who was a generally frustrated bachelor before she came into his life) were so happy together. They were the couple who still acted like newlyweds even though they had been married for almost 25 years. We were unable to attend the memorial services or the funeral. I still feel badly that all we were able to do was to send a card. It felt like such a cold thing to do. I was really looking forward to introducing her to her great-nephew this year. (I really want to find the ornament that she had given me for Christmas years ago when I was a kid to put it on the tree in her memory. I haven't found it yet in the box, however.)

Almost a week later, Mom and I had our heart to heart conversation. A conversation that had fully convinced me that my Mom had finally and completely lost her mind. One that also lead me to the conclusion that it is best for my psychological well being and the well being of my children that we have nothing to do with her until she changes her behavior. Mom rambled on for almost four hours about how my brother's soon to be ex-wife was psychologically abusing him and psychologically abusing me, how she believes that I am manic-depressive, and how my friends are degenerates that I shouldn't be allowing to baby sit or otherwise influence my children's lives. Now, Beloved had a good point. Four hours is a ridiculous length of time to listen to such nonsense but I was too busy being baffled, flabberghasted and trying to figure out just what her point was in all of this to put a stop to it.

Amazingly enough, I wasn't offended. Though her stating that I was a good mother in between criticizing how I am raising my children, my house keeping skills, and my choice of associates (most of whom she doesn't even know and hasn't met) really should have offended me. I guess my being too busy trying to figure out what was going on in her head made me impervious to her efforts to offend. I'm not sure but what ever it was, I am thankful for it. Because it gave me the clarity of mind to first not have the upset reaction that she was expecting when she told me that she thought I was headed for suicidal depression and that she was cutting off all contact with me because she couldn't handle my highs and lows. She was expecting me to become extremely upset and pliant to her demands. Instead, I simply said, "Well, you do what you think is best for you."

I know she didn't expect me to call her on what she did when she threatened the lives of my youngest brother's daughters. You see, I would have let her comment about how if something untword happened to my children when they were being babysat by my sister-in-law or her mother that my mother would kill everyone in the house. I would have been more then happy to let that go as bluster, except for she made a point of repeating this several times and directly mentioning that this included the three little girls over there who are her granddaughters. At the time, I was too stunned to do anything.

I didn't sleep well that night as I tried to decide what to say or do about it. In the end, I sent an email to my father. In the email, I recounted the conversation. I then proceeded to explain that my mom wasn't allowed to be alone with my children ever again and that I was going to have nothing to do with her until she changed her behavior. I clearly stated my opinions on her efforts to coerce me and her pathetic attempt to make me feel as though I would be morally implicated in her actions if she did such a thing. I also made very clear that if she did something to harm any of the children in the family, I would be one of the first people at the police reporting that conversation to them. This got a predictably unpleasant reaction from my parents.

Beloved, however, screened the email and has advised me not to read it because he knows how upsetting it would be for me. The short version that Beloved gave me is that my father all but accused me of lying and doing this to either hurt my mother or to seek attention. To say the least, I am not bringing my family to the big Christmas or New Year's party held by that side of the family. We didn't go to the Thanksgiving dinner this year because we knew that my parents would be there and it would turn ugly. Already, this has rippled out and my youngest brother is upset. Most likely with me for a few different reasons, the first of which being that I didn't tell him directly but rather I told our parents and his soon to be ex-wife. That was because I knew that he wasn't going to believe me. The second reason being because it's made the arguments between him and his wife all the more acrimonious. Knowing my vindictive and insane mother, I am fairly certian that she is going to if not is actively working on doing her best to poison my relationships with the rest of my side of the family for what I have done.

I simply can't stand by and take the abuse anymore from her. And she crossed a line when she threatened the life of some one I love to coerce me into doing something she wanted. She crossed a second line when she threatened the life of a child to coerce me. And she crossed a third line when she threatened the safety and life of a family member. Now, if mom decides to get her head straightened out, does a complete 180 to this behavior, and gives me an honest and genuine apology for what she has done, I may consider speaking to her again. Until that happens, however, I am not going to be in the same room that she is in, not even if it's because my cherished grandmother is dying and has begged for it to happen. And that is something that I think is going to happen some time over the next few years.

October was relatively quiet, except for the fact that my PTSD kicked into high gear. It was then that I realized just what the reason why I didn't remember about 5 to 10 years of my life. Flashbacks to being beaten by my parents and various other rather... awful things along those lines became the norm. Oddly, and reassuringly, enough these didn't happen during the times where my husband and I indulged our shared delight in BDSM. I don't think I'd be able to handle having flashbacks during sex again. It was too horrific before when I was recovering from the abuseive relationship in high school. To go thru that now... It would be just too painful to endure, I think.

Snuggle Bug's colic finally began to resolve near the end of October. It made getting sleep a bit easier for a few weeks. Then Cuddle Bear's 2 year molars started coming in. That was not much fun, but we all got thru relatively unscathed. Holloween was a washout. Thank goodness that our friends out in Buffalo had that party. Snuggle Bug didn't go to the party in a costume but rather a Holloween themed outfit. (Purple is definately not this child's color, neither is orange.) Cuddle Bear was a cowboy and we've got some really cute pictures of that also. Again, I hope to post one of them up soon. When Holloween came, the weather was too foul for the children to go out trick-or-treating. Fortunately, however, Cuddle Bear didn't mind it too much.

November arrived with blustery weather, as per usual for around here. It brought another attempt to write a novel. I didn't win NaNoWriMo this year, though I did make considerable progress. I did find, however, that the preparation work that I had done in October was incredibly helpful for me. I am now working on finishing the novel this month. I am pleased to say that it is not like The Red Chair (my attempt last year) but rather a final version of the first novel in a series that I have drafted out. I am rather shocked by how much darker this version is but it finally rings true.

I just need to get out of my own way and write the story as it is revealing itself. This, however, is very uncomfortable. I have already written some rather graphic and disturbing scenes. I'm not even a full third of the way into the plot that I have drafted out for this novel. I'm making progress, but there are some twists and turns to the plot that are both proving surprisingly important and uncomfortable to write.

Early November/late September also brought tragedy to some relatives of my sister-in-law. Their house burned down and they were lucky to get out with their lives. The baby had some problems with smoke inhalation and the father had torn some muscles in his heroic action of throwing a full dresser out a window so that everyone could escape. Aside from that, however, all injuries were minor and everyone is in good health now. I was doing my bi-annual closet sorting and we sent over multiple boxes of clothes. I also found a Moses basket. It's funny, I found something I had wanted dearly for my own child and I gave it away. I feel a small pang of disappointment that I gave it away but I couldn't have kept it in good conscience.

Thanksgiving was with my husband's side of the family for reasons mentioned earlier. Cuddle Bear had a ball playing with some of the children of family friends. It was a very good thing that I had prepaired a bag of toys for him, because it proved the surprise hit of the night. The toy truck and the blocks being knocked down terrified the poor cat more then an exuberant Cuddle Bear's excited cry of "KITTY!", however.

We're now into December and it's going to be a hard month for me. Fortunately, I have enough going on that I am going to probably be too busy to get truly caught up into a funk. A dear friend of ours is going to be going to jail for a crime that was breaking an unjust law out of ignorance. The poor man was functionally forced to plea guilty because of how the whole mess is setup. It's been an excruciating year to watch this unfurl. Beloved and I love this man like a brother. It breaks our hearts that we can't do anything more for him or his lovely wife then what we are currently doing. We are all hoping that the sentencing date which is later this week brings something surprisingly wonderful. A foolish small part of me hopes that the judge will call it 'time served' on the basis of our letters, but I recognize that is far beyond wishful thinking. If it does happen, that will clearly be an example of divine intervention and I think my life is going to become incredibly more interesting then I was even daring to consider as a remote possibility.

I have been working on making Christmas gifts for the children of the family. I was going to make Snuggle Bug another blanket, but he has been given several blankets as something of a surprise gift. So I suppose the sweater that I'm making for him is going to be his gift. I'm at a bit of a loss for what to give Cuddle Bear, but I'll figure something out over the next few days. I have the gifts for my brother-in-law's girls done. They're currently crazy about Disney princesses, so they're each getting a personalized pillowcase with the princesses on it.

My eldest neice is getting a crochet purse in her favorite colors. I'm thinking that I'll include a nice little bit of jewelery in it as well. I'm not fully decided as to what to make for her, though, but I am leaning towards a bracelet and necklace set. For my sister-in-law (my brother's soon to be ex), I have a necklace that I'm going to be making soon. As she loves elephants, I think she is going to really enjoy this necklace with an elephant charm on it. When I got the parts, I was going to make it for my mother, because mom loves elephants too. I am not doing that now because she's never going to get another thing from me again, I suspect. For my sister-in-law's youngest child (and my youngest neice), I have been working on a crochet doll (at the request of Cuddle Bear). He also asked me to make 'something pretty' for her two older cousins.

As I have an army of fabric, I am looking into my options. The girls are all about coloring right now and their mother is talking about starting to teach them how to cook. So I think we're going to be giving them aprons with fabric crayons to make their own designs for them as well as canvas bags to make nifty as well. I need to come up with something to surprise Beloved with, and I do have a project in the works. Hopefully, I can get it done on the sly.

That, however, brings everything up to date. I am now going to go make lunch for a sick Cuddle Bear and get some cleaning done in the kitchen. I'll post about some other irons I have in the fire in the near future. I promise, it is not going to be months before I post again.

Update (1 of 2)

I realized that I've been painfully neglectful of this and the other blogs that I have. This is something that I mean to correct in the near to immediate future. My life has been rather crazy of late. Part of this is all my own damn fault, I admit and own that fact. I also have to say that part of this is because I'm still struggling with depression. A whole lot has happened since I last posted.

Hmm... Where do I begin? I suppose I should list the major highlights of the past several months. Since my last post was in June (JUNE!?! Wow! Have I been neglectful or what!?!), I should probably start with the big events of July, the biggest being the birth of the baby! We learned from my husband's employer that the economy is creating some problems for his business. I suppose it was a matter of time. It was floated about the possibility that my husband and everybody else who worked there would have to take two weeks furlough unpaid. To say the least, no one was pleased but no one was very surprised. They got a few big contracts in and things began to go more smoothly (or so it seemed) for the remainder of the month.

We had a quick visit from Beloved's girlfriend. It was really nice to see her. She's such a sweet-heart. She and I didn't get to visit as much as either of us liked, but there's a reason for that. Near the end of her visit, I started false labor. Yes, you read that right, false labor. Everybody planned around the due date and we all assumed that things would go relatively like it did with Cuddle Bear. The delivery was scheduled a week before the due date and her visit was scheduled for a week before delivery. You'd figure that meant that we'd have everything work out well, right? Oh, we were such fools. Babies don't like to wait for anything scheduled, even their arrival. Yep, he came almost a full week early and was born at the end of July. July 29th, to be precise. Labor wasn't half as long as it was with his big brother. I hope to be posting a picture or two of the baby and I, as well as both the boys together.

August was an incredibly busy month. Not only was I recovering from the cesarian section delivery of Snuggle Bug (and my goodness does that nickname fit him well!) but we had the fun of Cuddle Bear's second birthday, my parent's-in-law's wedding anniversary, and drama surrounding the resolving of the estate of my husband's late paternal grandmother. All year, we had been hearing that my husband's parents were going to be renewing their wedding vows for their 50th wedding anniversary this year. This is what Beloved's sister had been telling us and desperately trying to get us to assist in planning.

She was most disappointed when I explained that we couldn't exactly help between getting ready for the move at the end of May and getting ready for the baby. We then didn't hear anything for a few months. We assumed that plans were continuing and thus prepaired things so that we and the children were ready for such a gathering. (I had made the cutest little matching pair of light sweaters for both the boys because August evenings up here get chilly quick, even.) This, however, did not prove the case when a surprise visit from my husband's uncle (the namesake of our first born) happened.

A very casual barbecue at the parents-in-law's house happened with my husband's siblings and their family in attendance. I almost wrote families, but had to remind myself that my sister-in-law and her beau are not engaged. I have a feeling they will be soon, because things are getting quite serious between them. It really was a shame that he wasn't able to make it, but grad school had just started then and he's going to school out of state. (She tells me that this semester is going really well for him, which I think is fantastic! She also thinks that he will be able to make it up for Christmas, which will be very nice. He's a sweet guy and I like him.)

Cuddle Bear had a ball running around with his cousins. The girls cooed at Snuggle Bug and then got bored with him, thus decided that his big brother was more fun. It was cute to watch him and my brother-in-law's eldest playing cars with the Barbie (or Barbie knock offs, I'm not sure which) vehicles. It was especially amusing when the youngest tried to tell Cuddle Bear that Barbies were for girls to play with. He just ignored her and then proceeded to start playing with the little animals that were part of the Barbie playset they had brought. Everyone got a good chuckle.

Cuddle Bear's birthday did not go as I had wanted it to. I had wanted to have another party for him. No one thought to offer any assistance with it. There was just the expectation that there was going to be a party and people asking when it was. Well... That's not exactly fair of me to say. My husband's side of the family didn't demand to know when Cuddle Bear's party was. They just invaded the day before his birthday with an arm load of presents. Thank the gods that the house was relatively clean and that I actually had the motivation to get myself and the children dressed for the day. (I spent most of August exhausted because Snuggle Bug had colic. Colic is another word for nocturnal hell, by the way.)

To say the least, I was more then a little upset but doing my best to hide it when my grandparents came to visit on Cuddle Bear's birthday. I felt horrible about not having a cake for Cuddle Bear but it was far too hot that day to bake one. I at least attempted and somewhat succeeded to have a little bit of a theme for the very small at home party (which had the surprise guests of my grandparents). I made Cuddle Bear train shaped rice cripsy treats with yellow chocolate windows and red m&m wheels. While Cuddle Bear had fun playing with the treats, he only ate the m&ms. Fortunately, Cuddle Bear's excitement over his toys turned the day around considerably for me.

His favorite new toy was his tow truck. He paraded around the room holding it up over his head and excitedly cried out "Tow truck!" over and over again. Before that, he was about to have people read him the story book that his paternal grandmother gave him a dozen times (The Very Hungry Caterpillar). The toy tow truck, however, completely trumped that. I think it was excellent that we planned it so that it was 'from' his little brother. Cuddle Bear actually has tottled up to Snuggle Bug and kissed him on the cheek for the tow truck several times now.

In early August, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Between the fact that the doctor put me on Lexapro (which did wonders for me, because it was getting kinda scary for a little while) and Snuggle Bug's problems latching on, we stopped with the breast feeding and dragged out the small army of bottles. Things improved significantly with feedings at that point because I wasn't in excruciating pain and Snuggle Bug was having an easier time getting nourishment. I didn't bother trying to pump or express anything for him because of the medication. Amusingly enough, Snuggle Bug is growing faster then I think Cuddle Bear did and a part of me is questioning if it's because he's been on formula.

During the time that Beloved was taking care of me as I was recovering from the delivery, he was on unpaid furlough. We were both irritated but didn't think too much of it because we were warned about this. Instead of the two weeks for me to recover that we thought it was going to be, however, it was closer to a month. I over exerted myself and pulled a few stitches which resulted in another additional week of not being able to pick up anything heavier then the baby. That was when our finances started to get interesting and, I'll admit it, I started to get really angry with my husband's employer.

I'm alive.

We've moved. I'm losing my patience with unpacking right now, but I blame hormones.

Life = crazy woman.

So, there's been a lot going on recently. I'm going to use the short version to update everything before I toddle off and get back to work on packing stuff. At about the beginning of this month (May), we learned that I have gall stones. The doctors are strongly recommending that my gallbladder get taken out.

As it stands right now, it will not be until after the baby is born. The baby is in good health and we're all doing ok right now. I've no words for how thankful I am of that fact.

We're moving at the end of this week and I think we may be a little less then 1/3rd of the way packed. The new apartment is much larger then our current one and in a much better neighborhood by virtue of the fact that we're not going to be living next door to drug dealers. I'd rant about stuff or add more but I really need to get back to work packing.

Working mother? What mother ISN'T a working mother?

I made the mistake of reading some of the goofy stuff published on the internet by the talking heads. At first, I was bored but then I couldn't help but get irritated, and then offended by the implication that there is a difference between working mothers and stay at home mothers. Last I checked, all mothers had an incredible amount of work on their plate from daybreak until they fall asleep at the end of the night. And if I recall it correctly, a lot of us have stuff that carries over from one day to the next.

I can appreciate that mothers who hold jobs outside of the home have a set of challenges and frustrations that are different from those of us who are at home with our kids, even those of us who are working out of our homes have unique challenges that come with that territory. What made me angry was the implication that some how motherhood is fundamentally different between the three different parenting situations. If we're going to sit down and make comparisons, what about single mothers or, gods forbid, what about all of those FATHERS out there?

Parenthood is a hard, hard thing. There is no competition except for that falsely created one out there and I think that we should all reject it. Because I don't know a single mother who doesn't work hard and I don't know a single father who isn't working just as hard as the mothers out there. Parenthood is the hardest job you'll ever love, or hate depending upon the moment.

That's my ranting for now.

Making lists & planning.

So, I'm making my lists of what we need for the new baby. First off, it's alot easier because of how much we've still got around from when the boy was a newborn. (I think I'm just going to use my nickname for him, because I can't think of a good one to use on the interwebz. Those who know me are going to be amused by this.) Cuddle-bear (AKA the boy) is not going to be very happy when his new brother shows up and starts playing with some of his old toys.

I think, however, if I finish up sorting the toys geared for little babies and put them aside now, Cuddle-bear won't notice that they're missing and assume they're new when they come out of where I've put them away. We don't need an army of new toys but a toy box is becoming a daily necessity. I'm thinking that a pair of toy boxes and a set of shelves will work well for what we need. Then I'll just need to locate a few more canvas sided bins to drop toys into.

We're either going to need a new changing table or another convertible crib for the new baby. I've talked to hubby and he's inclined to agree with the idea of another convertible crib. We're going to be doing that minor bit of repair upon Cuddle-bear's crib and putting it together in the toddler-bed configuration in the near to immediate future. I'd like to have it done by the middle of this week. I think the chance that both boys are going to be sharing the same room is fairly high right now.

This means that we should have a similar styled convertible crib to what we've got for Cuddle-bear. We have a dresser for Cuddle-bear that holds pretty much everything of his right now. The dresser has a drawer that needs fixed but aside from that it's in good condition. It's pretty awesome for something that was second hand and a free find. I'm hoping to have a similar find for the new baby because the dresser attachment to the style of crib that we're thinking of is not that spacious.

Something else that I've been thinking about is how to approach the way toys are going to be put away in the living room and how the books for the children are going to be put away. Right now, we don't have anything even remotely resembling organization for the toys down stairs. I'm thinking that a toy-box is a need but I don't know how we'd fit it in here. I've several cardboard boxes that we've been using to hold Cuddle-bear's toy trucks and his blocks. I don't think they're going to last very much longer, however. I was using a wicker basket at one point to hold all of his toys and that... that didn't work out very well.

So, I need to determine a few different things for the future. First off is what we need for the bedroom/nursery. I think we are going to find that we need to differentiate between the diapering supplies for Cuddle-bear and his new brother. I don't want to have to use a label maker and stick labels on everything. I also think that we are going to need some way to keep the different bedding required for each crib separated. I'm inclined to locate wicker baskets that are the right size for the sheets, pads, and blankets for each crib.

If we get another one like Cuddle-bear's crib, I think that will be the best solution to organizing it all. And then we have the matter of everything for feeding. We're going to need a way to separate which bib goes with which boy. This is also going to get into things like baby food and such. I may need a label maker after all. *sigh* I do think that a laundry bag dedicated just to bibs, burp cloths, and washcloths is a need. Thankfully, I have some fabric kicking around. I believe I'm going to make something that fits onto a hanger that I can just put up in the kitchen.

The more I think about that idea, the more I like it. If I look about, I may even be able to find some blue and white gingham to match what we have in the kitchen decor. I have a few other things that I'm debating if I should make. I've seen an interesting pattern for a crochet diaper bag. Cuddle-bear's diaper bag is beginning to have the lining tear out of it. I think instead of crocheting another bag, however, I'll be replacing the lining.

I had something else I was going to talk about but I can't remember it. I suppose this means it's time to end this blog entry and go do dishes or something.

Cesarian section = Questions.

I'm sitting here reading the pre-admission paperwork for the hospital where I'm going to be delivering this new baby. I have to admit, I am a little confused about a few things. When I delivered the boy, (I'm going to need to come up with a new nickname for him) it was two days before my due date. Well, I suppose technically one.

I sit here and I'm trying to figure out when would be a good date to schedule the c-section delivery. I'm due on the second Sunday of August and according to the hospital's website, I can expect my stay to be roughly three days. As I looked at the calender from when my first child was born, it shows that my stay was almost a week. At the time, however, I had preeclampsia. That created some complications and makes planing based on past events rather difficult.

In talking with my doctor, it's been a learning experience. They don't know if I'll develop preeclampsia with this pregnancy or not. None of the studies show anything conclusive except that preeclampsia is bad and if left untreated can be lethal. I still find myself concerned that I'm going to have to deal with it this pregnancy. I've been attempting to learn if I'm more at risk to develop it because I had it the first pregnancy but nothing is really being shown conclusively. It's more then a little alarming to discover how poorly understood this disorder is.

I've been reading stuff and trying to make the best decision. It's not proving easy. I think I need to talk to the doctor and have her help me plan when to deliver. I also think I need to ask her again to explain preeclampsia to me. I've been having more headaches and dizzy spells over the last few months. The headaches have been more intense and the nausea has been a relatively constant companion the whole time.

As I've been reading and trying to make sense of my symptoms (and maybe even find some decent remedies to help cope) I'm stumbling on to finding out that I might be showing some of the early symptoms of preeclampsia. It rather scares the hell out of me. I'm not looking forward to that doctor appointment next week.

Been feeling exhausted.

I have been incredibly tired. I'm pretty sure it's because of the pregnancy. Nausea is easing up but I'm starting to have some difficulty sleeping again. This time it's because of leg spasms, the baby kicking my bladder, and cravings. Last night, I woke up at about 2 AM craving tomatoes, bananas, and Corn Pops. Thankfully it wasn't all together in one bowl but rather first the tomatoes, then the bananas, and finally the cereal. While I didn't have bananas or the Corn Pops, I at least had some tomatoes and a bowl of cereal.

I really hope that I don't have that storied craving for ice cream and pickles. The concept has always revolted me.

Blogs, blogs, and yet more blogs.

So, I sat down and thought about it. I realized that I've got multiple blogs for different purposes. I do a crappy job of updating them and it's just far too disorganized to really be enjoyable. So, I'm going to make a schedule for when I update each blog and I'm going to plan out what each blog is going to be for and note it.

As cheezy as it may sound, I actually think that organizing like this is going to do me some good with my writing.

In other news, I'm in the midst of putting together three book proposal/submission packages. One is for my fantasy novel. One is for a dream interpretation book that I've been working on for literally 9 years now. (A lot of research and writing at sporadic intervals has dragged this project out.) And the third is for a book on witchcraft that is still in the initial draft phase and not even a completed manuscript. I'm approximately four chapters in and sifting my way through a mountain of research and still organizing.

I'm terrified to send out these things. I think it's why I'm being waaaaaaay too critical of the proposal/submission package that I'm putting together. So, I've decided that I'm just going to bite the bullet and write the things up. I'm going to have them done by the 26th and mailing them out on the 27th. And to make sure that I get this done, I'm going to enlist the aid of a few people to kick my butt into working on this.

I know that I can write a novel in a month. I know that I can write several novels in a year. I'm pretty sure that if I stopped being obsessed with making sure that the manuscript was perfect, I could edit a novel in two months. So, I'm going to probably need beta readers and people to help me edit.

I still can't believe I'm going to do this. On one hand I'm terrified but on the other I'm actually pretty excited and relieved. I suppose making a conscious effort to put some of the insanity of my side of the family behind me is doing some good. And I can use the blogs and journaling to help me write my way out of the intermittant depression that has been making my life hell for months.

Who knows, perhaps it will do some good and get me something that resembles a little peace within my heart. It'd be nice to not be quite so anxious all the time.

What We Did Today: 3/5/09

The last few days have been crazy. As a result, I haven't had the opportunity to post what we've done. I'll be honest, pregnancy and the busy couple of days have made things blur together so giving a quick synopsis would not work out that well. So, I'm going to focus on today.

This morning went well. Breakfast was waffles and despite a minor temper-tantrum, it was peaceful. I'm delighted to say that my stomach decided to let me eat breakfast, so the boy enjoyed breakfast even more because he could eat with me. After breakfast, I read him a few stories and then let him play independently.

Cars and trucks were driven across the dining room floor before being dropped back into the box which holds them. All on his own! He decided he was done playing with his cars and he put them away. To say the least, I clearly and delightedly expressed praise for his efforts. At which point, he began picking up other toys and putting them into the toy basket in the living room for a few minutes before sitting down with his drum. I think we're almost to the stage of having him help out with cleaning up.

We took a walk this morning and saw quite a few different types of trucks. The boy especially enjoyed the tractor-trailers and the tow trucks that were red. He was very good when we stopped at our favorite little restaurant near home. We shared a bit of lemonade and some crackers. As he smiled at the waitress and ate his crackers, I decided we'd have lunch.

This went wonderfully well, even with the introduction of other small children who were not behaving into the mix. The mother with the 14 month old child who was being a screaming banshee and trying to climb out of his high chair kept casting envious eyes at my boy who was being good. He was doing his best to use his spoon to get his hot dog pieces and didn't drop food on the floor intentionally. This was a first. He was all eyes and smiles as more people arrived.

We watched as families sat down around us to lunch. My son smiled and played peek-a-boo with another little toddler near his age across the restaurant until I told him to eat his lunch. At which point he did a wonderful job of listening to me. It was when the police officers came in for their lunch that food was forgotten and my boy just stared at them in awe. The officers were bemused by his slack jawed interest. He completely ignored the trucks that drove by the large window we were sitting near to watch them as they found their table.

When we were on our way out, the boy waved at them and then shyly hid his face against my shoulder with an enormous smile as the younger of the two officers waved back. It was painfully cute and makes me look forward to doing this next month. Nap time came and went with no trouble. It was actually at the end that things got difficult.

For some reason, the boy woke up crying loudly. I think it was one of those infamous toddler night terrors. I changed him and he was dry and the diaper was clean. So there was nothing to irritate his diaper rash. I hate diaper rash because it makes babies so miserable. Fortunately, when he teethes it's multiple teeth at once and I don't get the screaming and cranky baby for weeks on end. If the Gods are kind, that will be the same with the next one.

I sorted and picked up his toys. The boy was such a trooper. He helped me out with putting the toys away by handing them to me. It was another very cute and sweet moment. There was a little bit of a temper-tantrum when it was time to go down stairs, but that was gone when he realized that the back door was open. The weather was wonderfully warm and we went out back for a few minutes to see how the throw rugs from the living room were airing out.

Now it's dinner time and he's enjoying his food. I think we're in for a quiet and pleasant evening.

Ramblings.

I'll post tomorrow about what we did today, as the evening is shaping up to not give me time. I am going to indulge myself in a little bit of whining. Roughly 2 weeks ago, I pulled a muscle in my lower back. I'm mostly recovered except for one thing. My back gets stiff and makes it difficult to move in certain ways right now. I'm disappointed to say it, but I think my doctor was right and I may need to go see somebody about it.

It makes picking up moderately heavy things uncomfortable and generally moving around miserable at times.

What We Did Today 3/2/09

First, a bit of rambling mouth noise that can be disregarded if so desired. The last week has been insane and I think I'd prefer it if things like my morning sickness just didn't rear their ugly heads again. It's not so much that I've been too busy to post as it is that I've been too disorganized and scattered to do so. My PTSD has been making life hell and I absolutely fucking HATE it.

Ok, ranting/rambling done! On to what the boy and I did today!

This morning was an odd morning for us. Breakfast was fairly quiet, as usual. The boy doesn't get very excited over breakfast unless it's pancakes. I'll be making some in the near future, but we don't have them very often. So, pancakes = treat. Once breakfast was done, he got to play on the floor with his cars and I think I almost tripped and killed myself on them three or four times walking thru the room. Thank the gods that we don't have Matchbox cars everywhere! I'd surely have been dead six times over then.

After the playing with cars happened to the sound of the morning news show, the TV got turned off and he began playing with his music playing toys as I read some e-mails and news stories on the Internet. He then decided that he wanted to cuddle. So, he sat on my lap while I looked at a few webcomics, which he was fairly bored with except for Questionable Content. He seemed to really enjoy the coloring that was done for that one because he kept pointing at the green shirt/jacket that the character of Martin was wearing.

We then went away from the computer and looked out the window. The wind was blowing pretty good today and making the trees in back sway. The boy kept pointing out the window at them with a huge smile on his face. We sat on the couch and read his board book If I Had A Little Train. I think we read that three times before he decided he wanted to get down off the couch.

So, off the couch went the little boy and this was about when I started feeling absolutely exhausted for no reason. Oddly enough, this was also around when the boy started his fussy because he's tired business that happens sometimes when he misses a nap or goes down for it late. The odd thing was this happened at around 10:30 in the morning, almost two hours before it usually happened. So, we went up stairs for what I thought was going to be a little nap.

I was wrong. We slept for a while. It was around 3 in the afternoon when we got up. I'm rather confused by this because as far as I know, everybody (my husband, son, and I) slept well last night. Either way, when nap time was done, we had a late lunch. I just have to say, my son's love of sandwiches makes lunch time so easy! He was delighted with his ham sandwiches and crackers. I was impressed by the fact that he drank three cups of milk.

I think we'll be dealing with a growth spurt soon because his appetite has increased recently. I know we're going to be dealing with teething. In addition to him drooling like a faucet has been turned on inside that little mouth, he has now started trying to chew on everything and he has diaper rash. I think it's another molar coming in but I could be wrong.

This afternoon, he drove his little remote control car around the floor. It was actually very cute because he made a point of walking over to me where I was sitting on the couch to point at his car spinning around in circles as he pushed the button. I have to say, Lady_Cinnibar, you are a genius and this was probably one of the best Christmas gifts he's gotten so far.

We had a little meltdown when it was time for the car to get put away but by then it was time for the news. When the weather man came on, it was all good. The boy decided he wanted to cuddle some more and made a point of putting his cheek against my belly. I think he can feel the baby squirming around inside. As I felt the baby move, my son cuddled closer to me and put his hand on my belly.

It was a sweet and special moment... up until the baby inside kicked my bladder and my toddler son pushed against my bladder as he stood up. A part of me almost wondered if there was some kind of psychic exchange between them to plan that. Was it a conspiracy to make me really need to run to the bathroom? And if so, why did my son throw his usual screaming tantrum when I went upstairs to do so?

Dinner time went well and when his father got home, he had a good time watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune as I finished up dinner for my husband and I. I think he prefers 'Wheel' because of the colors on their wheel, but that's just my suspicion.

What the boy & I did today: 2/24/09

I've decided to start posting what my son and I do on a daily basis. It will help me to update this on a more regular basis and I think it'll serve to bring a little amusement to folks around too. So, here is the first installment.

~~~~~~

The morning was a bit busy from the word 'go'. The boy was up at the crack of dawn and playing in his crib with his toys. Usually, I get him and bring him down for breakfast at 8:30. Today, because I was up at 6:30, I went and got him shortly after he was up. So breakfast was an hour early today. He absolutely enjoyed the bananas we had this morning and completely ignored his cereal 'O's.

He played on the floor with his stuffed dog toy that sings and his big blue fuzzy bear while I finished up some writing in my journal. When I was done, we read a few stories. He has several favorites but right now the one that is top of his list for when we're downstairs is 'Bumpy Tractor'. Most days we alternate between that one and the other in the box set, 'Speedy Firetruck' but for the last three days now he has been all about 'Bumpy Tractor'.

I hope that he decides to go back to alternating between his favorites because I'm starting to have dreams about reading that story! At least they're not nightmares of the endless 'Speedy Firetruck'. That was a result of reading it at least a dozen times over one week! I was ready to go hide that thing!

After reading 'Bumpy Tractor' two times and reading a second hand copy of 'If I had a Little Train', we listened to the news on the TV and to the boy's 'Spin 'n' Grin Snail' play Camptown Races. The boy was rather entertained by the weather man giving his report of what we should expect over the next few days. I don't claim to understand it, but the boy will stop what he is doing and just stare at the TV when ever some one is giving a weather report. I think he gets it from my side of the family. After all, I have a grandfather, a father, an uncle, and two brothers who watch the Weather Channel constantly.

I turned off the TV before I got out the coloring book and his big crayons. We sat on the floor with my lap desk and first he watched as I colored a picture of a ship. Then he and I worked together on a picture of art supplies, with him picking the colors I used and finally coloring some himself. He colored some on a picture of a tractor with an apple tree. This was after I had colored in the apples on the tree purple because he pointed at them and handed me the purple crayon.

When it was time to pick up for the morning snack... Well, we had a melt down. The boy wanted to keep his crayons and we had to put them away. I'm glad that he didn't try to crawl away with the three he had in his hands. That could have made things a bit difficult. Instead, he just sat and fussed at me. Once I put his snack in front of him, however, all fussing stopped. It's amazing what a few cookies and a cup of juice will do. :)

Then came the barrage of songs. I sing alot with my son. He can't quite manage to sing but he'll coo at me or babble along with the songs at times. He has started to do what he can for the hand gestures to accompany 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'. He's been doing his best to keep up with 'Baby Bumble Bee' and '5 Little Ducks.' A bout a day or so ago, the boy has started to point at his head at the beginning of 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' and he started to clap to 'If You're Happy and You Know It.'

I'll post up a list of lyrics for these in case anyone reading this doesn't know what I'm talking about. I'll also note the hand gestures. My young neices absolutely love it when I do these songs with them too. :) I suppose working at a daycare did me some good after all. :)

The boy started to fuss and rub his eyes a little bit at about 11. So, I asked him if he wanted a nap. Usually, nap time is about 12:30 or 1 pm (right after lunch). I wasn't horribly surprised when he said yes in answer to my question. So, he went down for a nap and I did too. I woke up almost an hour before him. My little man slept for a long nap today! He fell asleep at about 11:15 and woke up at almost 2:30 in the afternoon (when he usually wakes up from his nap).

Lunch time went well. He ate up his sandwich and didn't really pull it apart too much. I was surprised, actually, how well he did with his lunch. I figured he was going to play with it some but he didn't. He poked at his fruit a little before eating it but on the whole he ate very, very well. I'm hoping this good behavior streak with his food is going to carry on into dinner tonight.

After lunch, we played with blocks some and then played with his trucks. I'm proud of the boy because he stacked one block on top of the other on purpose a few times this afternoon. We piled up the blocks, using his trucks. Instead of the expected temper-tantrum when I started to put the blocks away, he sat down in the corner with all of his books and started 'reading'. This means pulling out all of his downstairs board books and sitting in the middle of the pile as he looks at the pictures.

I then began composing this entry as the boy has been playing independently with various stuffed toys and noise making toys. He is fussing a little now, but I think part of it is because his sippy cup was out of reach until just a moment ago and it is starting to get towards dinner time. We're also close to the evening fussing because Daddy is not home from work yet.

As I sit here and think about this entry, I'm debating possibly posting up the 'menu' that we do each day. I'm sure some folks would freak out over some of the stuff I feed the boy, but he does good with it and generally enjoys it considerably. The pediatrician has no complaints either, beyond the fact that he thinks we started him a little to early on solid food. When the child is smacking his lips and screaming because he is not getting any of your sandwhich, that's a rather impossible to ignore sign that the child is probably ready for the infant cereal. No harm has come from it, so we're not worried over it.

Well, I feel... crushed.

My dreams of a house to move into kinda went poof in the last 15 minutes. I spoke to the mortgage guy who was recommended to us by the Realtor who is a friend of the family. We might have qualified if we didn't have the issue with the student loans and we did things in my husband's name. My problems with the damn credit card company has made me ... well... definately not a candidate in any fashion at all for a mortgage, even one of these nifty ones that the government has set up for people with low credit ratings and such.

The fact that our student loans are in forbearance... Well, that pretty much was the kiss of death. We're welcome to get a hold of the mortgage guy after we get our student loans out of forbearance and paid on for a year. The mortgage guy told me that it would be a functionally insurmountable strike against us on applying.

I want to cry right now. 90% of the places listed for rent and roughly the size we need we can't afford. I don't know what to do. We can't stay in this place that we're living in right now. We can't afford the new rent they're going to charge us. We simply can't afford that.

I don't know if I should plan on going back to work or not right now. I don't know if we're going to afford to feed ourselves after this new baby is born. I... I thought we were going to be able to do so. But now... Now I don't know. If we have to move into a place that we have to pay rent that is 100 to 200 dollars more a month then what we are paying now, that makes finances really difficult. Adding my son into the picture added roughly two hundred dollars a month in expenses to our bills before he was born. I figure the new baby is going to do about the same thing.

I just want to cry. I'm so psychologically fucked up with other shit that I can't manage to get my head screwed on right to work from home. I'm barely managing to keep things running relatively smoothly here. I'm scared and feeling a little ... a little desperate. I don't know what to do.

My little man is walking! WALKING!

So, the boy is walking now. Yep, he walked across the living room entirely on his own today. He's done it about four times today. He's having a ball. I'm excited for him but I'm also a little apprehensive now. What on Earth are my husband and I going to do about things like my boxes of fabric that he's definately going to be getting into now? I suppose it's no different from when he was just crawling yesterday, when I think about it, but I still have that mild bit of apprehension.

[10 min later...]

My little man had interrupted my posting here for some play time. This child loves to be turned upside down. So, I was picking him up and doing so. He started laughing quite a bit with that infectious giggle of his. It's wonderful that it is so easy to make him laugh at times. There are other times when I think it'd be easier to stop sunrise then to make him laugh. I've been told that I was just like him as a young child.

This means that he'll be fine. After all, I have a sense of humor it's just different from most people. I generally don't find slap-stick that funny but witty sarcasm can have me in stitches. It'll be interesting to see how his sense of humor develops as time goes on.

Ah, musical toys. How I love and yet hate them! My boy has a favorite toy from his cousins on his father's side of the family that he is currently playing with. He loves hitting the 'piano keys' on it and making it play little songs. It is one of the absolute favorites and it's adorable to watch him play with it. And then there is the musical toy that my maternal grandmother sent him for Christmas.

I swear, if I have to listen to that thing one more time, I'm going to scream. There's a reason why it's put into the music toy box and comes out once a week with the other really noisy music toys. I don't know why, but this is his absolute favorite of the music toys (with the exception of his drum). It may be as my sister-in-law is right and the children in our lives gravitate to the toys that are the most obnoxiously irritating to us for their favorites, especially when they're toddlers.

On one hand, I'm glad that my son loves music. I'm glad that he's fascinated by his toys that are of a musical nature. He enjoys them as much as he does his trucks. Just recently, the boy has figured out how to say the word 'tuba' thanks to the Baby Einstein video that we were given for Christmas by my brother-in-law and his wife.

A quick aside, I have to say, the more I see with these Baby Einstein toys, the more I love them. The toys are educational, fun (for the grown-ups and the kids), and just beautiful to look at. It's hard to say just what I think is the best about them. I was first introduced to them when I was working at the daycare. I decided that I wanted to get some of them for my children when I had them. I was impressed by how these toys engaged the children when they were playing with them.

Toddlers have a relatively short attention span. When they come back to toys its because they're favorites. It was rather awesome to see how quickly the Baby Einstein toys became preferred ones. The DVDs are just gorgeous. The 'Meet the Orchestra' one is a favorite of the boy's as is the 'Language Nursery' one. We own the orchestra one but we borrow the language one from the library. We definately need to purchase that one at some point. He loves the language one even more then the orchestra one. For some reason, my son loves listening to people count in different languages and he absolutely *loves* listening to nursery rhymes in German.

We listen to a lot of music. We have some music that includes songs in foregin languages. He really enjoys the ones in Spanish. Between the lively beat and the rapid language, I think he really delights in the tones and syncopation of the songs. We now have a story book that includes the number one to ten in Spanish. I think I need to re-learn Spanish and learn German. It's my opinion that if I raise my children with a basic grasp of another language it'll help them in the future. But, I'll talk about it later.

Right now, I must run and work on dinner for the apple of my eye. :)

I'm bemused by the internet.

So, when I first heard about Twitter, I thought it sounded kinda nifty. It rather exploded with popularity of late and a vast majority of mutual friends of my husband and I use it. I've been reluctant because I don't think that 'Tweeting' about stuff that my boy does here and my random thoughts around the home are going to be of much interest to the world at large.

At the same time, I've been contemplating using it and the other big and popular thing, Facebook. We've got alot of friends who use those programs and it might be good for staying in contact with them. It's something that I'm consider like using that photo sharing site called Flickr.

So, somebody out there is saying 'Well, what's stopping you?'

Part of it is fear.

I've got some crazy people in my past that I'm afraid are going to use my increased visibility on the internet to cause me problems. Part of it is because I've heard horror stories involving identity theft and I'm concerned that it's going to be a problem for me. And then there is the general fear of social interaction and such that I have hanging around me from childhood.

The other part is I'm honestly not sure where to begin. But I've wandered away from my original intent of this post. Twitter is having an awards celebration right now. It made me giggle. Why did it make me giggle? It made me giggle because of the fact that it's in the international news right now. I honestly believe that if it hadn't gotten the visibility boost from the President's use of the service, it wouldn't be in the news right now.

That, however, is my suspicion. Who knows, perhaps I'm just horribly, horribly wrong.

Thoughts on kids rooms & furniture stuff.

I woke up a little early today. I got some time to sit and write in one of my journals that I have been neglecting almost as badly as I have been neglecting this blog. :P As I did so, I started writing about some of the things we're going to need to consider moving forward after the new baby is born.

The two kids are probably going to need their own rooms. Doug is going to be *alot* more active then the infant for a while. I'm realizing this as he sits at his high chair and gleefully munches on his cheddar-chicken nuggets. (Oh, to any other parents out there wondering what on Earth they should feed their children, I've got to say we're having amazing success with chicken nuggets. Specifically, the baked ones that you do at home. The fried commercial ones get a lukewarm reception, unless they're Burger King's chicken fries. Those Doug just about inhales!)

It once happened that Doug would sit still and focus quite seriously on the task of eating. Now, he plays and eats at the same time. So, putting him in the same room as an infant isn't going to work very well. And Doug should get some time to play in his room during the day. Naptime is going to become challeging. I can just feel it. As of right now (roughly 10 minutes after the comment about how wonderful chicken nuggets are) he is eating his last chicken nugget and discovered the wonder of cheese sticks as thrown projectiles. To say the least, before I laydown for my afternoon nap I'm going to be cleaning food off of the floor. And a sippy cup, which just hit the ground.

Well, I'd add more but Doug has decided he's finished eating and is now fussing to be set free from his prison... erm, high chair. :P

Online cook books are awesome!

So, of late I've been stumped on what to cook because the pantry is beginning to get a little bare as I'm getting towards needing to go grocery shopping. As a result, I've been looking at different websites for ideas and recipes. In my head, I keep calling them online cook books. I think my favorite is Recipezaar. So many interesting ideas and recipes in one place! It's fantastic. I think I'm in love! :)

Writing & Insomnia.

Well, I just started another blog. This one is just for writing about this abuse stuff I'm dealing with. If you want the link, contact me via e-mail or say something in the comments on this post.

I'm going to go attempt to sleep. Maybe it'll work and I won't wake up two or three times tonight.

Insomnia sucks.

It's not like I'm feeling horrible. I just can't sleep. :P I don't know if I should go wash dishes or screw around with some of my craft projects right now. At least the boy stopped his 3 1/2 hour temper-tantrum. He woke up and wanted to go play. When he got put back into bed after a diaper change, that's when the screaming began.

Remind me to buy ear plugs some time.

I may need them in the near future.

Rambling thoughts.

I'm just going to put this down here and maybe I'll figure it out.

Or not... not too huge of a difference, I suppose.

I've been coming to some realizations and doing alot of thinking. It disturbed the hell out of me to realize the extent of the brutality I dealt with as a kid. I think what disturbed me even more was to realize just how the propensity for the ugly crap still remains in the people who did it and it's beginning to manifest again. It troubled me deeply to realize how many of the things I told myself about them are just plesant lies to cover up the raw, festering wounds that I have deep within my soul and damn near a lifetime of anger.

I'm not sure how directly I should mention them, because I forget if they have access to this blog. So, I belive I'm going to let some of the detaile lie where they are. I'm probably going to be writing about this a fair amount in my other blog. It is my hope that ... That in writing about this, I can make it stop haunting me so much and I can excise the inner demons tormenting me.

When I came to that realization last night... just how many lies I've told myself... When I came to the realization as to the extent that I was in denial about my past, I realized a couple other things. Like the longer I continue my interactions, the longer they'll terrorize me and I'll have to deal with those sick head games. The worst thing is, I recognize now that nothing changed over the years except for how the abuse was done. And that change of method decieved me into thinking that they had changed.

Memories are rising up to the surface like bubble of steam in a boiling kettle. And connections are being made and understanding is flashing into realization like the way a spark jumps from particle to particle in a grain explosion. I wish I could say that it was all a bad dream or some kind of strange nightmare. I wish that it was just my imagination running away from me or something else ... I wish there was something I could say or do to make it where this wasn't real. But if it wasn't real, then I wouldn't have the fears I do or the ingrained habits that sabotage me.

If it wasn't real, then I wouldn't be as concerned about their thoughts and opinions of me. If it wasn't real, I wouldn't have the nightmares or night terrors that I do. I wouldn't be as terrified of confrontation or so damn convinced that everything I do is wrong somehow and that the misery of the people around me is something I must atone for. At the same time, as I look back on all of this, I realize something that has surfaced on occasion in my mind but I didn't really believe until now.

I realize that I *am* strong, brave, and honorable. I realize that the amount of courage to refuse to participate in their sick games willingly is staggering when you look at how much power over me they had at the time. I realize the amount of courage that I had to draw on to deal with an abusive bastard at the same time as I was dealing with their shit and continue to refuse to participate in their charade is matched only by my strength. Because I now understand the enormity of what I've faced down, though I can't fully comprehend the scope, and the fact that I've done so with out becoming one of them is a testament to my strength. The fact that I didn't let them strip away those things about me which they hated and continue to hate or that I didn't let them control how I live my life today and I resisted it where I could before... It shows me that I am strong.

Honorable is entirely my interpretation here, but it was something they threw around at one point as part of their bullshit. And I *am* honorable because I have never once perpetuated that abuse. Even in the heights of anger or fustration, when my temper gets the best of me at times, I have resisted and rejected it. It is a daily fight but I am winning that war. Now, I will set to work on winning the rest of this war for my sense of self and dignity.

It will not be easy. I know there are people who are going to look at what I'm doing like I'm a mad woman. I've been through this and I recognize that the memories are going to surface. I recognize that they have been surfacing and that's ok. Those of you who know me and are close to me, I may act a little crazy at times but I will be ok. Please, be patient with me and know that I will be fine after a little while.

This is hard work I'm starting here. But it's for a good cause.

Feeling twitchy.

You know, I just let some folks know about my concerns regarding C- and I really hope that they're taken seriously. The logical part of my brain says 'yes, of course they'll be,' while another part of my brain says that there's no way they'd take me and my concerns seriously. I'm so not looking forward to the next game where I have to deal with him.

C- is a bastard and I've decided to tear him a part if he chooses to attack me. I'm not comfortable with this decision but I'm not going to let him intimidate me. If confronting him publicly for his bullshit when he persists in harassing me is what it takes, then so be it. I get so angry when he harasses and insults me. I want to smack him across the face when he does that.

I've decided not to do that. But if he raises a hand to me, I'll defend myself with prejudice. If I persist in reminding myself that I have a right to do that, when the shit hits the fan, perhaps I won't hesitate.

Ugh! Stress sucks!

You know the feeling of being stressed out? Oh, what am I asking for, *everybody* knows that feeling and hates it. It's really crappy and I just wish it'd go away for a little while.

I'm getting to the point where I just want to go run away and hide from the world for a few days. A sick baby, housework, and apartment hunting, however, demands that I stick around. Housework... gods, it's a never ending nightmare. I thought I had this place clean. Then I had to do some baking, the boy got out his toys, and I needed to work on a few projects that had been set aside. Clean house is impossible when the house is not big enough to hold everything.

I miss having a real kitchen. :( Enough space that a handful of dirty dishes doesn't turn it into an absolute bomb blast would be wonderful.

...

I could continue whining but I wont. I just feel crappy. Maybe I'll whine in my off-line journal and not subject the world to my being 'emo' right now.

more rambling.

I am sitting here feeling like crying. I feel kinda sick too, but it could be because I need to eat something. I think it's more likely to be stress. I'm terrified right now. I recognize that logic insists that I have no reason to be afraid and that we're all ok. I can't shake the terror that they're going to come over here tomorrow morning and demand that I and the boy get out while my husband is at work, leaving us literally out in the cold.

I can't stop thinking that we don't have enough money to handle the damn debt collectors and these fuckers who run the place where we're living. I've been looking all day and I can't find where I put the lease. I just want to cry. I just want to put my head down on the desk and sob, even though it does no good. I can't think of anything else to do right now.

I'm sitting here looking for new apartments and what I see... I can't stop thinking about how we can't even afford things right now as it stands. How are we going to pay the deposit and first month's rent on a new place? I look in the kitchen and I question how I'm going to make food stretch and wonder if we're going to need to let one of our other bills slip so that I can get groceries in about a week.

I hate this. I hate how sick it makes me feel. I hate the fact that I didn't sleep half as well as I should have last night. I hate how I can't even shake the fear by using the various meditation techniques that I've used over the years. I'm unable to make it go away, quiet it, or anything else.

The worst thing is, I keep thinking to myself that I should have learned more about this stupid place when I was looking for where we going to move before.

My bright spot today...

My bright spot today is my son. He's happily playing and being terribly cute right now. Thank goodness for that and the fact that it is putting a smile on my face.

Because right now, I just want to crawl under a rock or something and hide, if not cry.

I hate my landlord and the people who work for her. I hate them with a passion. We moved in here and naively expected them to be honest with us. Instead, I've spent damn near everyday since about two weeks into the lease being worried that they're going to try to throw us out. I hate these bastards.

Somedays, I hate my side of the family...

I understand, my parents are stressed. But this is beginning to really get on my nerves.

If you people don't want to help us, then don't do it! If you do want to help us, then don't bitch about it! Nobody held a gun to anyone's head and *forced* them to do shit.

...

Gods, there is *so* much more I could add right now but just thinking about it makes my slightly nauseated stomach feel even worse.

Ever get the feeling that somebody out there is telling you something? And that if you don't get it soon they're going to be throwing a goddamn brick at your head to make you figure it out?

I'm getting the impression that I should just stop dealing with my side of the family for a little while. Time to become too busy with stuff or something. *shrugs*

I hate debt collectors.

I tell the guy that I'm having a hard time keeping the lights on. He just continues with his script.

I told him several times that it's not that I'm refusing to pay my debts but that I simply don't have the money for it. It's either throw money down that rat hole or put food in my kid's mouth.

And the guy says 'so you're refusing any hard ship payment options?'

My response was 'I don't see how I can use any of these options when I'm having a hard time buying groceries.'

I've a bad feeling that these motherfuckers are going to try to garnish my husband's wages.

As if having to deal with a jackass landlord isn't enough right now?

Remind me to go burn the world down later, somebody, will you?