T-3 days

I did not get any cooking done today. I did not make anything today. To be completely honest, it was a refreshing change of pace. I have been so busy crafting and worrying about getting stuff done in time, this break is pretty nice.

I will be making more white roses next week. I am going to learn a few more patterns for making them. Right now, what I have looks roughly like a dog rose. They're charming, but I want to do something else that looks closer to a tea rose. It may take some experimentation.

I have two things left to wrap. It is a curious feeling to be so close to done ahead of christmas eve.

Cookies in a Jar Pages.

So, I opened up the cupboard to start getting things out to put together into these jars. I'm sure you can imagine my dismay when I opened up a new bag of flour and found bugs in it. Now, this is partly my fault because I had left it just sitting in the cupboard for months unattended to. I may be asking Beloved to pick up another bag this evening on his way home from work. I'm not decided.

I am, however, going to post links to the cookie recipes that I was going to use. In case anyone else is in a last minute rush to get something semi-homemade out the door to people as a present.

Sugar Cookies

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Brownie Mix

Present for Present Present

So, over the last few days, I have been working my proverbial tail feathers off. I have finished making several things that were relatively labor intensive. I am now at the point where I am packaging gifts. I have a few cookies in a jar recipes to whip together. The chocolate chip one actually looked kinda good. I have a few reasons for the cookies in a jar thing.

One, pretty much everyone I know bakes at some point. Cookies are super quick to make and great for the instant gratification angle. I mean, seriously, even the people who are heavy on the paleo diet thing have cookie recipes that they love.

Two, this cleans out some of my stock pile of glass jars. I have enough now that it is getting a little problematic to keep them. So, I am going to send them off to infest other houses and be useful there.

I will post links to recipes tomorrow. Right now, I need to go get myself some shut eye and try to not wake up in the middle of the night thinking that Loki is threatening to piss on me if I didn't get out of bed (to use the bathroom to piss, no less).

Nope it from Orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

I feel horrible. My abdomen feels like someone has been taking a baseball bat to me. I have been taking Tramadol for a little while. It doesn't take care of it all. I have been taking it with Aleve. This has me where I am merely grimacing in pain and swearing under my breath rather than sobbing and whimpering.

I am terrified that someone is going to decide that I am doing this all for some pills. This is a fear that is deep seated and distressing. I'll probably try to write something cathartic later. Right now, I just feel sick, anxious, and pained. I don't know what to do about it. So, tomorrow, I will be calling my doctor and attempting to figure out what the hell the next step is. In the meantime, I'm going to wish I had access to the orbital NOPE cannon.

Snood Pattern

Chain 5. Slip stitch together first and last stitch. Chain 3, Double crochet into ring, chain one. Repeat DC+chain 11x. Slip stitch together first and last stitch. Chain 5. double crochet into chain space, chain 2. repeat around. slip stitch together first and last st. Chain 5, slip st into chain space, chain 5, sl st into chain space. repeat around. slip st to center of first ch 5 loop. repeat previous round. slip st to center of first ch 5 loop. chain 7, slip st into center of next loop. repeat around, slip st first and last st together. repeat previous round until size desired.

I don't know if my notes are correct. I need to test this out. This post is a place holder of sorts for when I come back to this and attempt to rework the pattern.

Allergy Punchcard

So, I have been having a decidedly unpleasant time of things. In the course of the last few weeks, I have discovered that I have an allergy to pretty much everything tied to morphine and related opium derived medications. Two weeks ago, approximately, I got to spend an afternoon in the hospital after I had an allergic reaction to percocet and then to dilauted. (I honestly have no idea if I typed those names correctly. Let's just say they are two of the most common pain relieving narcotics used.)

It was a stroke of pure luck that I am not having a reaction to the tramodol. It acts in a similar fashion to the opium derived medications but is not derived from opium (as far as I know). I was struggling along for a few days on a combination of aleve and tylenol but the pain hit a point where it was pretty much pointless to continue on with that. The obgyn threw a proverbial hail mary pass with the tramodol and so far it seems to be working. But by itself, it is not entirely sufficient. So I am taking thereputic doses of aleve with it. My pain is still creeping up and making itself known even with these two medications.

I went in for a CT scan yesterday. The doctor has not gone over the results of it yet. I have called a few times, but they haven't gotten the results. They think that tomorrow it will have been addressed. Walking into the CT scan, I was a bit apprehensive. They asked me if I was allergic to the stuff that was in the dye. I said no, because I was pretty sure I wasn't. I mean, I have had an x-ray in the past where they injected me with dye and it wasn't a problem. Cue about a minute after the injection and I start having an allergic reaction. It wasn't hives or feeling itchy.

Nope, my throat started to burn like I drank something hot. At first I thought it was just the weird feeling of heat that went with the dye. Then my throat started to itch. I mentioned this to the nurse who became concerned. She informed me that an allergic response was going to show up within 10 minutes after the test. My itchy throat then started to feel swollen as my chest started getting tight and I began to wheeze. They dosed me with benadryl and directed me over to the ER.

I started to panic. Beloved was with me. He talked to me and held my shaking hands. My hands started tingling and the nurse assured me that it was likely due to anxiety. I sat in the ER being observed as the benadryl was working on me. I guess I was there for about two hours. Beloved told stupid jokes and talked to me to help me stay calm. After a while, the allergic response symptoms went away for the most part and I was released to go home.

This all seems like a fit of perverse humor. I have within the last six months developed an unknown seafood allergy. I am working with an allergist to figure out what exactly it is I'm allergic to. I have developed these medication allergies. Yesterday, Beloved made a crack about how I need some kind of allergy punchcard and with the tenth one I get a free dinner. I said that it would likely be sushi. Beloved laughed. I laughed at the business too, even though it hurt.

I am sick of this nonsense. I just want to be healthy. I can't even walk around my home with out being in pain. Just sitting and doing nothing hurts. I am apprehensive about what they found on the CT scan. I am trying not to worry, but I am troubled by it all.

Random aside.

How I feel when I get a new crochet hook:

Knitting stuff.

I'm still feeling awful and can barely hobble around the apartment. So, what am I doing, screwing around with yarn.

What I think I look like when I'm knitting:

What I really look like when I'm knitting:

Sophia's Headband.

I started out experimenting with yarn. Then it turned into this. Fortunately, however, it proves a super simple pattern and easy to write up.

I used lime green for the headband itself. The flower is in some random shade of purple that I got in a grab bag of yarn. The leaf is a forest green. The button was from a pack of random shaped buttons. In case you can't tell, it is a five petaled flower shape.

My yarn is all acrylic. It is worsted, sport weight. (Size 4 if you're keeping score.) I used as size I tunisian crochet hook (5.5 mm) for the headband and a size H crochet hook (5 mm( to make the leaf and the blossom. You can't see it, but at the back I have a elastic headband stitched to it.

Headband

With the green yarn and the tunisian crochet hook, chain four. Forward pass for tunisian simple stitch into each of the three chains. Return pass for the tunisian simple stitch. Row 1 done. Row 2 is the same. Row three pick up an additional stitch after the first stitch and second stitch. You should have six loops on your hook. Return pass. Row four is tunisian simple stitch into each stitch. Row five tunisian simple stitch into the first two stitches. Pick up an additional stitch between stitch four and three. Do stitch four as per usual, place marker. Pick up another stitch between stitch four and five. Finish forward pass as per usual. Row six, repeat row five, but pick up stitches along either side of center stitch. Move marker up with row completed. Continue until total stitches in row is twelve.

Work 29 rows of tunisian simple stitch, move marker up with each row. First decrease row, pick up to two stitches from marker. Stitch together two stitches before and after marker. Work next row plain. Continue alternating between decrease row and plain until four stitches remain. Work two rows of four stitches. Bind off. Single crochet around the edge of the headband.

Attach one end of elastic headband to the end with four stitches (I used a circular band and put the metal end where things are stuck together on one side. I then folded the band in half and stitched the part where the fold was to the other 4 stitch end of the headband.

Embellishment

With purple and size H hook, make a blossom and leaf as per White Rose of Resistance pattern.

Sew blossom down and add button of your choice to center. This keeps the blossom open. You can stitch down the petals as well.

Stitch down the leaf to the side of the blossom. I used a running stitch down the center in a contrasting color. This presented the image of a vein down the center of the leaf as well as holding it securely to the headband.

Obviously, weave all ends in when finished with each component and stitch things securely. I don't think this will be washing machine safe because of the embellishments. I would advise washing this by hand and allowing to air dry.

White Rose of Resistance.

With the rising tide of Nazi sympathizers and their ilk, I have taken up the practice of wearing a white rose as a symbol of resistance. The White Rose Society was a resistance organization based out of Munich formed by a group of students from that university. They distributed anti-Nazi pamphlets and engaged in acts of defiance. One of the defining traits of the White Rose Society was that they were intellectuals. They came together to resist the ultra-nationalistic propaganda and the oppressive practices of the state.

I am presently contemplating making these roses and selling them on Etsy for the cost of production and shipping. If I do so, I will include a note about the White Rose Society. If I happen to sell them for a higher cost than shipping and production, I will likely be donating the profits to programs that are threatened by the increasingly draconian propositions coming out of DC right now. This would include but not be limited to: Planned Parenthood, The Trevor Project, and the Southern Poverty Law Center, as well as local programs in my region.

As you may be able to tell, these are crochet items. I give the pattern below for free. share it as you see fit or make what you wish with them. The base pattern for the flower can be made more 'full' if you add more rings of petals. I am using sport weight acrylic yarn. The flowers I crochet with a size G crochet hook (4 mm). The leaves were made using a size H hook (5 mm). This pattern is written up in US terms. I may at some point this week come back and post a video tutorial how to make these. I'm not decided right now. After assembling the flower and the leaves, I stitched the entire affair to a safety pin with a flat back. This works better to keep the flower facing the correct direction and it doesn't shift as much when it is being worn.

White Rose of Resistance Pin

Materials Needed

Size G & Size H crochet hooks
Safety Pin with flat back
Large eye yarn needle (I used a steel one because I prefer it. Plastic can also be an option.)

Small quantity of white yarn, sport weight acrylic
Small quantity of green yarn, sport weight acryic

The Blossom

With the size G hook and the white yarn, make a slip knot and insert your hook in to the loop. Chain 3. Make a half double crochet into the third chain from the hook. Repeat 14 times. (15 stitches in total) Slip stitch into the top of the chain at the beginning of the round.

Chain one. [Half double crochet into the first stitch. Double crochet into the first stitch. Triple crochet into the first stitch. Chain one. Triple crochet into the second stitch. Double crochet into the second stitch. Half double crochet into the second stitch. Slip stitch into the third stitch]*.  Repeat * four times. Slip stitch into first stitch of the round (5 petals, 40 stitches).

Slip stitch two stitches along the FIRST ROUND (you will be approximately at the center of the first petal on the round before it). [Chain four. Slip stitch at the point that is approximately at the center of the next petal in the first round.]* Repeat * four times (5 chain loops, 25 stitches). Slip stitch into the first stitch of the round.

Chain one. [Half double crochet into the first loop twice. Double crochet into the first loop. Triple crochet into the first loop. Chain one. Triple crochet into the first loop. Double crochet into the first loop. Half double crochet into the first loop twice. Slip stitch into the join to first round.]* Repeat 4 times. (5 petals, 50 st)

Slip stitch two stitches along the FIRST ROUND (you will be approximately at the center of the first peal of the round). [Chain five. Slip stitch at the point that is approximately center of the next peal in the first round.]* Repeat * four times. Slip stitch into the first stitch of the round. (5 loops, 30 stitches)

Chain one. [Half double crochet into the first loop twice. Double crochet into the first loop twice. Triple crochet into the loop. Chain one. Triple crochet into the loop. Double crochet into the loop twice. Half double crochet into the loop twice. Slip stitch into the join to the first round.]* Repeat 4 times. Slip stitch into the first stitch of the round. (5 petals, 60 stitches)

Fasten off. Leave a tail of yarn 6 inches long. Make 1 blossom.

The Leaves

With the green yarn and size H hook, make a slip knot and insert the hook through the loop. Chain six. Single crochet into the second chain from the hook. Half double crochet into next stitch. Double crochet into the next two stitches. Work six double crochet into final stitch. Work along the back of the foundation chain, one double crochet into the next two stitches. Half double crochet into the next stitch. Slip stitch into single crochet. Fasten off. Weave in ends. Make 2 leaves,

Assembly

Cross leaves a the base with the center lines at a 90 degree angle to each other. (Base of the leaf is the end with the 6 stitches.) With long tail from blossom, sew leaves together and onto the blossom on the wrong side of the blossom. Make stitches even and small. Do not stitch through the entire blossom, only pick up the back loop facing the wrong side of the blossom. Stitch safety pin to center back of the blossom with remaining length of yarn. Fasten off and weave ends.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

NOTES:

1. Slip stitching into the first round will not be very noticeable on the front of the blossom if you are using a solid color.

2. The sections where the petals are made, the stitches for the petals need to be in each loop.

3. This is theoretically washing machine safe if you do so on delicate and your stitches are done tightly. I would wash it by hand.

NaBloPoMo # ±|potato|

What is the absolute value of potato? Good question. I will let the great sage, the philosopher king Samwise Gamgee answer that question:

NaBloPoMo # watevr

I spent my afternoon and early evening writing posts for another blog. A part of me said I should have been working on my novel (which I recognize now is most likely going to be a novella) but the rest of me is more interested in trying to get some 'real work' done. I am not entirely sure how much writing I am going to get done over the next few weeks. I am coming down the home stretch on crafting things for people. I am not exactly sure how to manage the last few items, but I am confident that it will come out well. I am crafty in more ways than one.

I am going to attempt to get some work done on the manuscript. I'm not shoving it into a drawer and forgetting about it. Having the notebook sitting there on the table makes it really hard to ignore. It doesn't hurt that thing is school bus yellow, I suppose. I am not going to panic over this, though. I'm just going to keep doing all the things I need to in order to make things happen.

Once I figure out how to start addressing the cluster fuck that is all of the political concerns I have, I am going to start trying to get more active on that front. Before I can get into that fray, though, I have to get my own house in order. So, I do what I can but I am not going to push myself too hard. Remember my limitations and such.

NaBloPoMo (n+1[i/i])

Still feeling awful. Today, I am realizing that there is just no way I am going to finish this novel I have been working on. I think my total time for writing has been about a week and it was not a good week's worth of work. I know that many people would insist that I should not run up the flag of surrender. I recognize, however, that I haven't the reserves to do this right now. My health issues are proving a sufficient enough strain that my novel is going to have to wait.

I sit here unsure how the next several weeks are going to go. I am troubled by so many things. Only a small portion of this is relating to my physical health. The state of the world and the nation deeply disturbs me. I have friends enduring hardship that I am relatively powerless to help. It is all very difficult and I don't know how I am going to proceed forward. I had plans but now they seem to fall apart.

I feel as though I am in freefall. It is a sensation that I hate because all I can think of is the abrupt end that comes after such a descent.

NaBloPoMo # 7 (?) Inconclusive evidence.

My day today has been long and uncomfortable. I am, apparently, allergic to pretty much every single pain medication that can be offered except for Tylenol and Aleve. We have one last shot and if the Tramadol evokes an allergic reaction, I pretty much have nothing to use but those two. I am trying very hard not to be afraid and upset. We don't know what is going on right now.

We know that I don't have an ovarian cyst. We know that it isn't constipation or something similar. My ultrasounds came out looking normal. The doctor is talking about next thing to be tried is a CT scan. I am trying so hard not to worry. A part of me is afraid that this could be something wrong with my pancreas. It's the next major organ in the region of the body that hurts horribly.

I'm working very hard not to get caught up in anxiety. It is, however, very difficult.

Snowflake.

So, they'll call me a 'special snowflake' with scorn in their voice. They'll imply that I am someone who demands to be handled with exquisite care and sheltered from the harsh reality of the world. They'll say that I am over emotional. Some will even insist that my 'delicate nature' is due to my gender presentation. You want to call me a snowflake, go ahead.

I would like to remind you, though, snow is lethal. The ice it is made of will suck the heat out of you and leave you helpless. It will steal your breath, rendering you voiceless. You will die from the cold and think that you are overly warm, hastening your demise with your confused deeds. You will in your last moments, hide like a feral animal, utterly divested of your dignity. Snow can kill you and you will not realize you are dying.

From Wikipedia

Ah, but some would say that the snowflake is simply a weak thing that can be destroyed with warm breath and warded against with proper precautions. You are a fool to assume this is the case, though, because the snow does not come only in ice. It also comes in stone. And the stone is not something weak and fragile. Oh, it is beautiful. It is also born from the fires at the core of the earth. Snowflake obsidion can be fashioned in to razor sharp blades. Many a person has died from crude weapons fashioned from a hunk of raw stone. A higher number has perished from weapons made with skill and deliberate action.

The other thing you must remember about snowflakes is that there is never only one. They always come in significant numbers. And they're silent until they reach a point that you are unable to do anything about the danger posed by the weight of their presence. Call me a snowflake. Know that I am coming and there is an avalanche at my back coming for you as well.

NaBloPoMo # 7: Spreading Love!

So, I have been in a lot of pain due to what ever is going on with my ovaries. Yesterday, I had no writing done because I was at the hospital. After some investigation, the conclusion has been reached that I can not have any form of narcotic pain relief due to allergic response. I am not pleased with this development. As an attempt to distract myself from this, I have been knitting.

This hat is really simple. And it is pretty small, because I'm making it for one of the kids in the neighborhood who doesn't have a hat for cold weather. I started out with crochet for the top of the hat. I used a size H hook (5.5mm) and sport weight acrylic yarn. I am actually using one of Caron's Simply Soft Paints. I forget what the colorway is called. I lost the ball band in the course of cleaning last week. Using the magic ring method, I made a circle of twelve single crochet stitches. I then increased in each stitch (slip stitching the last stitch to the first at the end of the round) before proceeding in the usual manner until I had 36 stitches in total. I then picked up each stitch onto a DPN needle that was sized 9 (also 5.5mm). I started knitting in the round until the entire affair was 9 in long. I bound off knitwise.

I'm not pleased with how tense my bound off edge is. I can't quite manage to get the hang of casting off loosely or with a stretchy one. I think I need to watch more Youtube tutorials or something. Maybe I can talk my MiL into showing me how to do it. She knits socks all the time, so I know she knows the trick for that one. I am stalled on the duckie scarf. I am, however, going to pick that back up and work on getting it done.

NaBloPoMo # 6 - Slow progress.

I had my morning sucked up by paying bills and such. But, my afternoon and a good portion of my evening was spent writing. I added around 1.5k today. My hand aches a little but whatever. I got some writing done today. Thus, today was a productive day and a good day. Maybe tomorrow I will hit something closer to 2k. I think, however, I am going to switch back to being powered by coffee, mostly. While the tea helps me reconnect with the mental place this stuff is coming from, the coffee has more kick and helps make my thoughts flow better. If this makes any sense.

Word Count: 14500
# hours writing: 2.5 approx
# cups of tea drunk: 6
page count: approx 50

NaBloPoMo # 5

Well, I got some more done today. Despite the kids distracting me. Maybe I can get this damn thing done after all.

Word Count: 11500

NaBloPoMo Post #4 - Words good?

So, I've spent the last hour writing. I am taking a brief break because my hand feels somewhat crampy. I have added 1k to the manuscript. I am not entirely pleased with what I have produced. It feels shallow and contrived. That, however, is part of what happens when you write a rough draft. That bit of uncertainty will get polished away when I edit this thing. I am trying to keep hope that I can finish this thing somewhere close to on time. If 1k is written in an hour, I may be able to get up to 3k on a given day. I suppose the lack of distractions from the children makes a big difference in my word count. I'll try to get more done in a little bit.

NaNoWriMo Word count: 10,000
Writing Time today: 1 hr (thus far)
Page Count: 39
# Chocolate Covered Espresso beans consumed: 10
# Cups of Coffee: 0.5

NaBloPoMo Post # 3(?)

It has been a long day. I got almost 2k words written today on my novel. Part of my challenge was the kids distracting me much of the day. Anyone who is writing and has small children about knows this feeling very well. The other part of my challenge today was just getting out of my own way. I am finding that my novel is not as fun as other things I have written in the past. I don't think the problem is that I am writing this thing by hand. I will say, however, I have had mild hand cramps this evening. I don't think I will be doing any knitting tomorrow morning after putting the kids on the bus.

I think my biggest problem with this project is that I am sitting here quietly afraid that something horrible is going to come out of this thing. I'm writing a fictionalized memoir. Some of what I put down on paper comes from things I have actually experienced. Some of what I put down is invented to fill in the gaps with what is too uncomfortable to write down or to serve as a mask to keep some of the demons at my back. I wish that I could say that my novel is something that is going to end in happiness and light.

It isn't. It is grueling to write. It is filled with darkness and agony. Mashing together five separate stays in the psychiatric ward due to illness and all of the trauma that lead to it happening is proving exhausting. Still, I feel like I can't put this project down. I find that I would love to set this thing aside but I feel compelled to keep working on it. The more I write, the more I feel I have to write. And it is uncomfortable and disturbing things that I am writing. Presently, there is more fiction than there is fact but it is also a case where the fiction is illuminating more than I think the fact would have.

The time span this novel covers is a single month. I am half considering dragging out my journal from when I was last inpatient to compare it to what I am writing now. I think, however, that would rob me of my authenticity in this piece. I don't know how that actually works, but my gut says that it will be the case if I started referencing past material. Even doing some research to make sure that I am describing something properly made me feel like I was on the path of losing this character's voice.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't for the fact that I am writing this thing in first person. The book is the character's journal. I don't know if I am going to accomplish 50k this month. I am going to try, but gods only know if I am going to get close to it. A part of me says I should spend some time on a second project, something lighter than this, but I can't shake the feeling that I must see this manuscript to completion before I do something different.

NaNoWriMo Word Count: 9k
Total Writing Time Today: 3 hrs (approx.)
Page Count: 35