Field trips, Trains, and Running in Circles

It has been a very challenged couple of weeks. School stuff has kept me hopping. There were a few field trips and a few meetings. Cuddle Bear really enjoyed the field trip at the beginning of the month to the Genesee Country Museum. I had the opportunity to go as a chaperone but I didn't take it because I had a meeting with my psychiatrist that day. By all reports, he had a good time and was very well behaved. This relieved me because Cuddle Bear was being a bit difficult at the time.

Snuggle Bug had a field trip last week to the Seneca Park Zoo. It was another chance to be a chaperone that I missed because of scheduling conflicts. He was very excited to go and see the monkeys, tigers, and bears. It was all he talked about for a few days afterwards. It was another trip where my little one was well behaved and happy.

It makes the reports from school that Snuggle Bug has been having temper-tantrums very difficult. I'm trying to find out if there has been any changes to his schedule or classroom. From what I can tell, there has not been any major changes. Snuggle Bug needs a very orderly routine because he doesn't transition well between activities. While Cuddle Bear has some trouble with that, it is not quite as severe as Snuggle Bug's difficulties. Snuggle Bug has also been talking about how he doesn't want to go to school just about every day for the last two weeks. I think there's something going on but I honestly have no idea what it could be.

Cuddle Bug handled the transition of his classroom's student teacher leaving very well. At his IEP team meeting last week, they told me that he has been making big progress in his reading and mathematics. They think he is almost at grade level with his reading. There is a week of evaluation testing coming up next month. After that, they will have more concrete answers about where he stands academically. All of the testing will be done and considered just before the report cards come out in mid-November.

I wish that I had the software up on the computer to share the pictures we took of the boys' train ride yesterday. Beloved's parents paid for the kids and him to take a ride on the excursion train that ran yesterday from here in Lakeville up to Industry (a little town near Rochester) and back. The kids were so excited that they were skipping down the walk from our house to where they were loading passengers. We got lucky with the tickets. Apparently they sold out before we had got there (a half hour before the train was due to depart) but somehow my father in law managed to score enough tickets for Beloved and the boys.

Everyone had a really good time on the train trip. We got pictures of the train before it departed, as it was leaving, and when everyone was getting on board. Beloved was so busy with keeping the kids in their seats that he didn't get a chance to snap a picture of them on the train itself. I don't think, however, that it will be a problem. The boys have been very excited about it all and asking if they can do it again next year. If the excursion train is running next fall, we will definitely do it again. However, we will order our tickets in advance.

When I haven't been busy with stuff pertaining to school for the kids or my own health matters, I have been working on writing book four of my fantasy series. I self published book one a little while back. As I have been reviewing it, however, I realized that there are some parts that need a bit of polishing. So, I'm debating briefly pulling it off the market to revise those sections. The way I see it, the few copies that are floating around out there currently will be come collector's editions after I make my fame.

I am about to send book two off to beta readers. Book three is prepped for the first round of edits. I have now established a Facebook page for the series. (I just discovered that it is possible to buy used copies and I'm surprised because I hadn't received notification that any had been sold yet. I'm tempted to contact the seller and tell them that I'll sign it for them if they ship it to me to do so.)

Blogging for $$$

I started blogging here on Blogger back before Google acquired it. Of the different formats that I've encountered, I'm pretty comfortable here. To be honest, my first foray into blogging was on LiveJournal. I still have an account there but I haven't updated it in over a year. It is my hope to start slapping up book reviews on there (as that is the theme of that particular blog) after the chaos of NaNoWriMo and the holidays are passed. I've been working my way through the Harry Potter series and the Dark Tower series. I have some definite thoughts on both. (95% of those thoughts are positive, by the way).

When I heard that I could blog on Helium and on Triond for some sort of cash payment, I decided to start posting material up on there. Then my life got crazy and I wound up taking an extended break (not by choice) from those platforms and blogging in general. Helium was an interesting place and I'm still not sure if I liked it. I kinda found the platform unwieldy and awkward. I, however, am one of those people who are technically termed a 'user' by the computer industry. If it is not damn near idiot proof, I'm a person who has a good chance of having some difficulty with it. Not because I'm an idiot but because my interests and expertise lie in other areas.

Triond was a good site. I didn't make much money on there (nor on Helium) but I found the platform really user friendly. I posted a bunch of stuff and got the beginnings of a readership base. Then my forced break from blogging happened. Over the past few years, I've been trying to get back into writing on Triond. I started to see my readership go back up and I was becoming hopeful of actually getting a check from them. (On both Triond and Helium, you need a minimum of $50 to get a check.)

I suppose it started having problems back around early June. At first, I didn't think much of it. After all, if you're running a site as big as that, you're bound to have some difficulties cropping up from time to time. The glitchy software or servers (I honestly have no idea where the problem is) became big headaches for me over the course of July and early August. Then, sometime in the middle of August, Triond became terribly difficult to use. Not because they changed their platform but because of how badly the servers were lagging behind and that they were constantly timing out when I went to post anything.

By September, I found that I could barely get to the main page with out things crashing on me. At first, I thought perhaps the problem was my computer. So I turned to the computer whiz, my Beloved husband, and asked him what the error messages meant and if I had done something wrong. He explained to me that they were generic error messages indicating that something was wrong on Triond's end. I kept trying at regular intervals to use Triond to post things.

I had articles waiting for approval for over the course of the month. What was usually a two day turnaround time from post to publish turned into a full month in the case of two articles. It has me thinking that I need to wrestle with Triond to get my original content off there (because I foolishly did not have backups) and discontinue using it.

I don't know what I'm going to do next. I know that I will keep my blogs here on Blogger. The mirror blog of Veiled Witch over on Wordpress is going to stay. Heck, I'm even going to keep the LiveJournal account open. While I can't seem to get the blogs here on Blogger to work with Google's advertising widget, I'm not going to worry about that. It was never the point of these blogs.

Beloved and the PorchCat have both pointed out that I am good enough to get paid for my work. I keep trying to screw up the courage to follow the links that the PorchCat gave me but my social phobia gets in the way terribly. It makes me feel despondent to see that I can not even bring myself to just go out and freelance on the internet, where there will be no face to face contact. It is something that I will be working on with my therapist, obviously. Beloved is strongly encouraging me to get an agent to work with for my novels. Again, white hot terror shoots through me at the thought of engaging in that process.

Beloved is of the opinion that all I need to do is get angry enough at the situation and I will just sweep this obstacle aside. I kinda foolishly hoped that I could just blog on topics that I felt like writing about and make some money that way. Taking a step back and looking at things realistically, I have to admit, my blogging on stuff that I'm interested in hasn't done much for my readership here. It leaves me feeling like maybe I'm not terribly interesting after all. Beloved assures me that I am interesting, I just need to market myself.

All I know is that something has to change or my dream of being a professional author is just not going to happen. It makes me wish that there was a pill that made everything better. I'd feel less ashamed of the medication if it made all these damn things easier. All the drugs do is take the edge off of the mood swings and quiet the noise in my head. I know these are big things because they allow me to function.

It feels like I'm just not making progress and that I'm doomed to be struggling with these stupid fears. The fears are the glass wall between me and my destination. It's awful to have yourself as your own worst enemy.

October ranting.

It's been a while since I posted in here. I've been busy working on novels. (I finished one last week and started another. I'm up to book 4 in the series! w00t!) I've also been busy with the kid's school stuff. When I am not dealing with all of that, I have been working on my series of letters to Loki on Triond and the novel that is in progress there. (Honestly, given how much trouble Triond has become over the last few months, I think I'm going to withdraw my work and post it elsewhere, perhaps on here. I don't know.)

All of that said, I just have a few things I need to get off my proverbial chest. It's October and it means a lot of things to a lot of people. For some people, October is one of the best times of year because of football and bonfires. For others, they're excited for things like the fact that it is National American Cheese month or Bat Appreciation Month. And, let us not forget, Holloween is at the end of the month which I think 95% of the population of children in the country all anticipate with glee. Sugar rushes are always loved by the young 'uns.

I am, however, sick of seeing a few things. I get that October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. I even get that they want to raise awareness and research funds. It's the 'pinkwashing' of everything that makes me furious. Lazy activism by way of purchasing the latest gadget with the trademarked pink ribbon on it makes me want to scream. A miniscule portion of the funds raised by those damned pink ribbon products actually goes to research. Most of it funds, get this, the product line and promotion of the products with that damned ribbon. If you want to do something about breast cancer, go donate directly to research funds. Make things for people who are afflicted, like hats to help the people who lost their hair due to chemotherapy stay warm. Get to know somebody with cancer and help them directly.

Aside from the commercialism aspect of the pinkwashing campaign, I hate how it presents this false image that breast cancer is the number one cancer killer. The top three killer cancers world wide are: lung, stomach, and liver cancer. Yes, breast cancer is towards the top of the list of lethal cancers (coming in at no.5 in the list) but if you go by all the advertisement and 'awareness' activities that you spot, you'd assume it was number one. By the way, the pinkwashing campaign has put breast cancer research funding at the top of the list followed by colorectal cancer.

I'm not saying that we should stop raising money for breast cancer research. I'm saying that all forms of cancer deserve as much attention as breast cancer. Imagine the strides that could be made if all forms of cancer were getting as much in funds as breast cancer. Further more, imagine the strides that would be made with out people skimming money off to fund their pink ribbon products. As someone who has lost a grandparent to cancer and had another one deal with it and survive, I may be taking this whole pinkwashing thing a bit harder then most people.

Long story short, the pinkwashing campaigns are disgusting for two reasons. First, it implants the false image that other cancers are less severe. This costs lives because people will be reluctant to get diagnosed for that lump they feel until it is too late. Secondly, too many people are lining their pockets with money that could be used to save lives. I recognize that medicine is an industry and that people are in it to make a buck. That doesn't change the fact that they have a responsibility due to the social contract made between them and their patrons to actively advocate and work to assist people with their health. It has been this way since antiquity. Allowing greed to get in the way of that is shameful and it makes me want to start an angry mob with pitchforks and torches.

And then there's this other little matter that has me madder then a hornet trapped under glass. I'm a pagan and I'm proud of it. Beloved and I are raising our children as pagans as well. We are doing our best to educate them to have a sense of wonder for the world and compassion for all life. We are also striving to encourage them to be respectful of the beliefs of others, regardless of the fact they disagree with us. All of these efforts, however, don't feel like they're enough when people are out there lampooning the pagan belief systems.

I get that people want to dress up as a witch for holloween because that is a character from folklore and has a role within our collective unconscious. Dress up is fun. But when someone takes the pagan belief systems and turns them into a marketing scheme, I get angry. Vikings or their descendants are not some prop to be slung up in a shop window to draw customers, for example. Holding them up as tawdry marketing ploys is as reprehensible as doing the same with people of African American descent or Native Americans. As much as people want to say that these kinds of things are 'harmless' they really are not.

There are people who practice the beliefs that are lampooned by those measures. They struggle to be treated as legitimate by the rest of the people around them. One may argue that they're not being denied their First Amendment rights but I would argue that creating a culture where one is mocked and reviled for not being part of the dominant religious sect is worse. Pagans in the western cultures face steep opposition. It ranges from regular harassment to outright violence to legislation that has been made to limit their ability to practice their religion.

Demeaning another person's religion because it isn't yours is disgusting. It also lays the groundwork for your religion to be demeaned by someone else. Freedom of religion means freedom for all religions. That freedom includes freedom to practice it with out harassment or punishment. And freedom from discrimination on the basis of religion. The plastic concept of 'witches' and other non-mainstream religious groups as something to be the butt of jokes, marketing ploys, and scorned because someone deems them 'evil' manifests differently everywhere in the USA. But it is still there, just as vicious and insidious as it always has been.

Sure, no one is burning witches at the stake today. I suppose this is an improvement, but there are states with laws on the books that make religious practices like divination illegal. There are laws on the books that state that someone who is not of a certain belief system can not hold public office. (Yes, these laws are real and have the threat of being enforced. Don't believe me, look up discrimination against atheists. A lot of those laws get applied against people who are not of the dominant religious belief system as well.)

Those laws and the attitudes that lead to their development are dangerous to a free republic. They are a short step away from punishing political dissidents and people who say things that you don't like. These are not fantasy scenarios. If you look into the rise of despotic states, you will find that persecution of people who are not of the approved social sect is amongst the first of a long string of events that lead to their development. Mockery and harassment of pagans tends to peak around holloween because of the cultural association of this time of year with 'dark' things and for some reason paganism has been deemed 'dark'. That has to stop.

Now, my rant about pagans being viewed in askance during this time of year doesn't just point at the non-pagans and the people who are quick to turn us into marketing ploys. I also am looking at you people in the pagan communities who seem to feel that the month of October is the time to crow loudest about your beliefs and treat it as though it is somehow the time of year that we must claim as our own. If you're pagan only one month of the year, you're as bad as the christians who are christian only for Advent and Easter seasons.

You're not pagan just in October and a shoe salesman (or whatever else you are) the rest of the year. If you're a pagan, you are a pagan 365 days a year. You live your religion. You incorporate your religious practices into your life and have them present at all times. They inform and color your actions. As trite as it may be, to quote the christian Bible "by their fruits, ye shall know them."

If you're one of those cockamamie pagans who only do it in October because that's when it feels right, go away. Your behavior is part of the problem. Flooding social media with 'witchy' things and black cats in October is not being pagan. It's being a living, breathing version of that plastic image they sell you. Knock it off and be yourself, for gods' sake. I know you're more then that. And if you think that plastic image is all that there is to you, then, for the love of everything holy, get some help. Because that's not healthy.

You want to celebrate your paganism. Go ahead and do it, but do it all year long. Sure, it's great to celebrate your way of life. I think the gods want us to be happy and celebrate living because living is a glorious thing (for the most part). Putting it on and taking it off like some kind of mass produced flimsy costume off the discount rack of Walmart is not only disrespectful to the religions you claim to practice but to yourself. If you can't bring yourself to respect the religions, then stop it for the sake of your self respect. Because the person you are in the deepest depths is not some vain weathercock that whirls around after the latest fashions unless you are sick and have no center of being.

There's my two rants. Or is it three? I can't tell. I almost made it four, but I'll save my griping about Triond for another time.

Behold, I arise!

I've got nothing epic to follow that subject line. I feel that I owe you, my constant readers (all 2 of you) something of an apology. I intended to post more over the last few weeks but I have been sucked into the world of my fantasy series. I am 3/4 of the way finished with book three. I'm not entirely thrilled with how it is working up right now, but I am viewing this as preparation for writing book four.

I will be participating in NaNoWriMo this year and I will be pushing myself to do NaBloPoMo as well. If nothing else, to get into the habit of posting on here more frequently then once every fortnight. I may have mentioned that school started recently. We just had picture day today. I feel a little bit bad that the kids were really in need of haircuts but life happens. Anyways, the pictures will reflect a bit more accurately what the kids look like most of the time.

Cuddle Bear has been swimming in gym class for the last few weeks. He went from scared of being in the pool to being really excited for it. Snuggle Bug seems to have transitioned well to kindergarten. We're actually making some progress on the potty training front since the transition. Perhaps we don't need to be quite so anxious about that matter. On the whole, the boys seem to be enjoying school and having a good time of it all. It relieves me, as I was concerned that there was going to be some difficulty in the beginning.

I am making progress on my Yule crafting. I finished a giant snowflake/shawl for one of my nieces. I am approximately a third of the way through the Lady of the Woods shawl that I have been knitting since August. I am also just about half finished with a basic triangular shawl that I'm knitting. I have begun a crochet shawl to use up the odd balls of yarn that I have kicking around in the project room. It is going to look funky but I don't think that will be a problem.

I'm trying to decide what to do about Etsy. I technically still have a page up there. I could be selling stuff. I just have no clue where to begin with marketing myself. The thought of it makes me feel a little sick with anxiety. It's been rough trying to work up the nerve to start pounding the proverbial pavement with respect to my writing. One of the paid blogging sites that I was on closed up shop last month. I had a total of $20 on there but it was under the minimum amount to get a check from them. The other paid blogging site has been having lots of problems over the last few weeks. I keep getting a lot of 500 errors when I try to post stuff. It make me concerned that I can't keep working with them. I have a lot of material up there. I would be upset if it were to all suddenly vanish on me. I don't have copies of all of it right now. And with the servers being wonky it is hard for me to copy things to word documents on my computer.

Ominous news is ominous.

So, Ebola is in Sierra Leone. We kinda knew it was in the hinterlands of the country. It is moving into the cities. One may wonder why I, half a world a way and living in the country, am deeply concerned by this development. Ebola is a disease that I have been following for several years now. It started out as a curiosity. I confess, I am curious about plagues and the like, both in the sense of their epidemiology and their influence upon cultures. Two of my favorite books is A Journal of the Plague Year and the diary of Samuel Pepys. (If you're wondering what to buy me for my birthday or Yule, this is an excellent start of the list of books I would love to own. Perhaps I'll post that in the near future.) Another of my favorites is On the Beach, for reasons that I will tie back to plagues in a moment.

Plagues can shape humanity more surely then warfare, in my opinion. The Black Death wiped out a considerable portion of Europe's population, which laid the foundational groundwork for the destabilization of the feudal system and the eventual rise of modern Western society. The Spanish Flu was part of the factors that gave rise to what we understand now of vaccination and modern hygienic practices with respect to highly virulent pathogens. While we don't consciously think about the influence these diseases had upon history, we live with the effects daily.

With the extraordinary way diseases can spread between continents due to modern modes of travel (I'm looking right at you, air transportation.), we must now consider the threat of world wide outbreaks of diseases that were once limited to a specific geographic region. We must consider that with the larger populations subjected to the diseases in question, the disease mutates in a faster period of time then it would have in the past. Ebola is a horrific disease. It has a 50% mortality rate. While the time frame for transmission is not as long as it is for influenza, with the rise of much more rapid modes of transportation, it has the opportunity to infect a larger population and mutate faster then it would have in the smaller populations of the locales where it originated.

Now, one may ask, where that post-apocalyptic story of On the Beach fits into this picture. Consider, if you will, a world wide plague that is marching towards where you live. It is only a matter of time until it reaches you and your family. Said plague is highly likely to kill your family and yourself. How do you face the onset of illness? How do you face the potential of the death of yourself and your loved ones? On the Beach describes how the author envisioned people dealing with their own plague like event. It would seem that the author advocates one taking their life in this scenario rather then waiting for death.

I question, with the mutation of Ebola that will come with the rise of the population base of the infected, what risk is there of it becoming airborne and making transmission terrifyingly fast. Sierra Leone is on the precipice of utter chaos. Panic is rising and if containment efforts fail, as I fear they will, Sierra Leone will descend into a level of chaos that I suspect will rival Somalia at its worst.

How does this prospect have any influence over myself, one might ask?  Simple, a person can hop a plane and fly anywhere in the world. Illicit carriers will risk insane dangers if the coin paid is high enough. An infected person who is still in the latent phase could be smuggled into somewhere that the restrictions upon travel are more lax. They could, in turn, infect others who then spread the disease to an unknown number of people before it registers in the medical community of the region that this disease is present. Right now, Ebola is a disease with a very short window for transmission.

Mutations can occur that change the vectors of transmission. They can also change how long the incubation period of a viral strain is. Those two facts are what puts the proverbial fear of god into me on this disease. As the population infected rises, the number of times the disease moves from carrier to carrier increases. With each transmission of the disease, it has the prospect of mutating because DNA can not copy exactly the same 100% of the time. Large population bases of infected means the number of times the virus can mutate has increased exponentially, because the number of times the virus reproduces itself has increased by such a factor.

It is my firm belief that it is merely a matter of time until this disease develops into something even more monstrous then it is now. (I hold the same belief with diseases such as HIV as well.) So, I see the news that Ebola has moved into larger populations and I become concerned. It is very frustrating to have nothing I can actively do to prevent this disease from potentially reaching where I live. While I could live in fear, as some people in the story On the Beach did waiting for their own doomsday event, I choose not to. I conduct myself as though Ebola is not a threat to myself and my own because there is no reasonable evidence that it can reach us at this time.

I keep the words of Marcus Aurelius in mind.

It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.

And

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.

As I progress forward in life, no matter how horrific the potential events seem, I choose to continue on as though there is a future. To do otherwise, is in my opinion, perhaps the ultimate form of cowardice.

How I wish I had a garden!

From Here

I have been feeling the strongest urge to be canning and preserving food for the last few weeks. I know some of this is due to the fact that just about everything is ripe now. Some of this also comes out of the fact that for a significant portion of my youth, the end of August was the time of year that Mom and Grandma were busy canning things from the garden.

As much as I would love to stop at the Farmer's Market in Geneseo tomorrow, I really can't afford to go splurge on lots of veggies to attempt to can. Two reasons for that: a.) I don't know how to can, b.) we're a bit broke right now.

My poor flowerbed is nothing but weeds right now. I keep meaning to get out there and pull them. Then I encounter the mosquitoes of DOOM. Honestly, I am surprised they haven't manged to carry children away like some b-rated horror flick from the 1960s. The landlord is reluctant to do anything along the lines of spraying for them because the neighbor's kids basically get into everything and they're not sure if the kids would stay out of where they sprayed. The mosquitoes weren't too bad most of the season. It's been over the last few weeks that they have gotten really bad. I'm at a loss to figure out why they've suddenly become so persistent and prolific. As far as I know, there hasn't been much in the way of standing water for them to breed in.

The kids have gotten to the point where they're asking about when school is going to start. I think they're sick of vacation now. As of tomorrow, we have one week until the start of school. I'm feeling optimistic that we're going to make it. I still need to pick up some school supplies but the list is not gargantuan. I'm not entirely sure what we'll be doing as for lunches the first few days of school. I am considering packing them lunches but I worry that Snuggle Bug won't remember to bring his lunch bag home. It is something that I am probably thinking too much about right now.

Another Tuesday, DONE!

Today was exhausting. I think part of it was the heat. We had recently been experiencing cool weather so when the temperatures jumped back up to what they usually are, it felt oppressive. I honestly am dreading when the more humid weather moves in over the next few days. I am anticipating the kids being extra whiny over the least thing.

The morning was fairly calm. I will admit it, I did go so far as to put on Fireman Sam videos so that the kids would leave me alone for a little while. I was having some difficulty waking up this morning. It didn't help very much that Snuggle Bug was up early today. Somehow, I went from awake and blearily watching the kids watch videos on Youtube to asleep on the couch. When I woke up, they were still sitting there watching Fireman Sam. The only difference was that they had acquired firetrucks to hold in their laps while they were sitting there.

We spent a good portion of the afternoon at Vitale Park, just down the road from us. Cuddle Bear made a new friend at the park. He had lots of fun playing with a little girl named Shelby. Apparently she goes to school at Livonia as well, so Cuddle Bear may be seeing her at school too. Cuddle Bear attempted to climb trees with the older children. This resulted in him hanging off of the lower branches, with the older kids trying to help him at times.

Snuggle Bug was having fun walking up to random children and talking to them. He spent a good deal of time at the sandbox and chatted up a few parents as well. The boys were pretty good about things when it was time to head home. As per what has become the norm, we had to stop to visit with the staff at Smith Lumber before we went home. I have to say, the folks there are really awesome about it. If they're not busy, they chat with the boys a bit and almost always have lollipops for the kids. They get a big kick out of watching the boys talk to and about the weed wackers that are on display right now. (Honestly, if you're local and considering where to go for your hardware needs, these guys are great. Their customer service is awesome and they're really helpful. Also, if they don't have it in stock, they will find it for you or find who has it.)

Dinner tonight, I had expected, was not going to be a big deal. The boys hadn't seemed very hungry. Apparently, they have decided that they love the Lasagna Hamburger Helper. Cuddle Bear asked me to save his leftovers so he could have them for lunch tomorrow, and this was after he had one and a half plates worth of it. Snuggle Bug seemed to really enjoy it too. I guess I am going to add that to my list of weekday meals for the kids.

In going through my pantry to select what I was going to make tonight, I discovered that I had a jar of pickled beets. I will shamelessly admit, I was snacking on pickled beets as I was cooking dinner. I forgot how much I have come to enjoy them until I had a few. Then I had to put the jar away so that I didn't eat that instead of dinner. I am seriously thinking about getting a few beets and making lacto-fermented  pickles with 'em. I have been looking at some interesting sauerkraut recipes and found a few that actually included beets. I think that I will be picking up cabbage and beets on my next grocery run.

Getting ready for Spinning!

From Here

This weekend, I go to the spinning guild meeting with my MiL. I will be bringing some fiber I dyed, two pairs of socks I made, and a shawl that I made. I'm probably going to wear one of my knitted kerchiefs because I expect it to still be cool tomorrow. I'm torn between the one made from my MiL's handspun and the one that is made from my handspun plyed with commercial cotton. The deciding factor on that one is what the weather report is supposed to be like for tomorrow.

I will probably bring a new spinning project with me. I wound the alpaca off my zebra wood bottom whorl spindle onto my niddy-noddy. Considering the stuff, I don't think I am going to ply it with anything. Instead, I will just wet it and set the twist. After that I'll wind the hank into a ball and then knit something with it. I'm thinking about trying my hand out on a lace sampler that is also a scarf. My knitting book has several simple lace patterns that I think I can do.

I have a lot of silk waiting to be spun. While I am making yards upon yards with the light weight turkish spindle I fashioned, I think I'm going to switch to using one of my larger spindles so that I can use up the fiber faster. I don't know what I am going to do with that ball of ultra fine thread. It is literally a few hairs in thickness. I may knit up something with it. Or I might crochet something, either way, I am going to make something with this terribly fine weight stuff.

I am a bit stalled on the Lady of the Forest shawl right now. I am a third of the way through making the back. I confess, I am a bit bored with the project. I feel, however, that I have enough work into it now that I am committed to it. I don't know if this camo colorway was such a good idea. The way the color pooling is working up in this yarn is not exactly appealing to me. I hope that Ms. Presson's choice of yarn is a bit lighter in shade then what I am working on.

I have been compiling a list of projects that I must complete by Yule. Among my list are things like:

• Blanket for Bridget
• Messenger bag for Alexis
• Doll for Sadie
• Slippers for Snuggle Bug (he out grew the ones I made for him last year.)
• Dolphin for Kendall
• Slippers for myself

I am at a loss for what to do for Beloved and my tenth wedding anniversary. I have been struggling with some kind of idea for months now and I just can't think of anything. I want to do something special but I keep drawing a blank. I need to ask around to see if anyone would be available to watch the boys for us on the Saturday following this way Beloved and I can do something like go out to lunch.

Brain fried before Noon.

I have been just exhausted the last few days. It hasn't been because of a whole ton of work; though I have been getting a lot done. Mainly, I'm still in the adjustment phase of a new medication regime. Despite feeling so awfully tired, I am feeling much more like myself. I think, once I have adjusted, I will be doing a great deal better.

I sat down yesterday and made my shopping list for school supplies. Honestly, I feel a bit silly writing down 16 glue sticks but then I recall that we did use a lot of glue when I was in school as a kid. Some of this stuff, I know I'll be able to pick up at the dollar store. Things like composition notebooks and folders are going to be relatively cheap. I even think I'll be able to score some pencils for dirt cheap as well. I'll have to sharpen them myself, but that is what a pencil sharpener is for.

The gifts of clothing has made a significant dent in what we will need to buy the boys for school. Poor little Cuddle Bear wore a hole clean through his shoes and I didn't realize it until Tuesday. To say the least, when I ran out to the store to pick up a few things, I grabbed him a new pair of shoes. He was thrilled to start wearing them yesterday. I think the thing he was most pleased with was the fact that they were in the same colors as Batman. Snuggle Bug's shoes are just about worn out too. I think I will be getting him new shoes next week. If I'm lucky, I may be able to find some that are similar to Cuddle Bear's but colored like Superman's theme.

I have begun the process of looking through what all I have made thus far to determine what I have left to work on for Yule. I have to say, I am pleased with how the two bottles of vanilla perfume came out. I still have a lot of vanilla scented vodka that I think I will be packaging up into a pretty bottle and giving as a gift. I have started infusing some lavender into the last of the vodka. I am not entirely sure what I will do with it when it is finished. Perhaps I will use it as the base of another perfume.

I am feeling the powerful urge to start preserving food. Unfortunately, I don't have any gardening done so I have no produce to put by. I may, however, pick up a bag of strawberries and make some freezer jam. I may also pick up some fresh veggies at the Farmer's Market next week to make some homemade pickles. My last attempt came out poorly. I have a new recipe to try. It seems to be well suited to small batches. I am optimistic that this will work out better this time.

G'bye Monday!

Today was a long day. I had a lot of things I wanted to get done but I didn't quite accomplish it. Now I'm here torn between my better judgment telling me I should be getting ready for bed and the desire to be up and getting things done. If nothing else, I can make a quick post here and update on how the party went yesterday.

It was, in short, a success. The boys had tons of fun with their cousins (though not all of them were able to be there). The adults had a good time visiting with each other. The food was plentiful and easy to clean up after. All that Beloved's parents had to do was smile and watch the children play.

I think, however, that the next birthday party I plan, I'm going to let other people help more. My nerves were pretty well shot by the end of the day. I was honestly glad when Beloved was managing the kids when we got home. I was able to have a little 'me time' and do some reading. It helped me de-stress from things considerably.

You may be wondering what I am reading these days. It's been a while since I updated my reading blog. It's not that I haven't read anything since January. It is more like I haven't been writing about what I have been reading. I am going to rectify that by writing little blurbs about books as I finish them. In the course of my travels tomorrow, I am going to write a little something about the two Harry Dresden books I finished in the last week. I've been juggling three different book series right now and reading random stuff on the side.

I have been reading the Dark Tower series, Harry Potter, and the Dresden Files books. When I'm not reading that stuff, I've been reading religious oriented texts, stuff about parenting autistic children, and being a homemaker. The last two subjects have been proving rather... disappointing. I'm finding that there is better material on the blogs I follow compared to the books I have been getting out via the library.

Cheesecake ice cream!

I generally enjoy the stuff from Ben & Jerry's and I usually grab their Chocolate Therapy when I'm in a bit of a funk. Today, the grocery store was out of Chocolate Therapy, so I picked up their Cheesecake Brownie variety. Holy cats! I didn't know ice cream could be *this* good. It is almost better then the Talenti stuff. It's like having cheesecake but with the creamy consistency of ice cream. I love cheesecake. I think the only way this could be better is if it had strawberries on it.

I shared a spoonful with Beloved, who then did what the kids do when they like something: opened his mouth up for more. I giggled and rewarded his silliness with another spoonful. He said something a few minutes ago about how the ice cream wasn't going to last long. I think I need to buy him his own pint so that he doesn't eat mine on me. I just accepted destiny and handed him the pint. He's been busy minding the kids all day, he really deserves a reward for handling several meltdowns in a row this evening.

When I did my grocery shopping, I picked up food for the party tomorrow. I also picked up the cupcakes. They looked pretty good, though I suspect that the cupcakes with the orange frosting would fluoresce under a black light. I am a bit concerned that I bought too much food. No one really got back a hold of me as to if they were coming or not. I decided to err on the side of caution and purchased like everyone is coming.

My household: 4
In laws: 2
Sis in law: 1
Bro in law's family: 6 (or 4 depending on if they have all 4 girls this weekend)
Friend's family: 4
Niece & one: 2
Other Sis in law's family: 5

I know now that my niece and my other sis in law won't be making it. So instead of having a total of 20 people, we're looking at something closer to 15 people. I planned for 20 in my shopping. What we don't eat at the party, I think, will keep reasonably well for us to have during the week. I bought enough cupcakes so that people can have two if they want them. The cupcakes from the store were a bit smaller then what I would have made here at home, so I went with a double batch from the store.

I still need to package presents. I thought about getting a shower before I head to bed tonight. Honestly, however, I'm just so worn out that the idea of going through the effort makes me tired. 

28 Days and Counting

Twenty eight days from today, school starts. Like my friend Lily, I am counting down the days. We have one more week of pre-school before a break of two weeks. Honestly, I can't foresee Snuggle Bug potty training in that time frame. I may be wrong. He may surprise me. I am not going to hang any great expectations on this, however.

Next week, we have the boys' birthday party on Sunday. I have things situated so that all that we really need to do now is pick up food. I don't know why I am getting this terrible feeling of dread about it all right now. It could be partly due to the fact that I have been struggling with depression for a little while now and it makes everything look significantly more grim than it really is. It could also be the fact that I am just not comfortable with parties.

I think it is partly a function of my social phobia. And I think it is partly a function of the fact that I am an introvert. Beloved is also an introvert. The boys, however, are more of a pair of extroverts then we are. Especially Snuggle Bug, who decided to walk into somebody's house while we were visiting his friends and say hi. At least the boy knocked first and listened when the gal living there said they were busy and he couldn't visit.

It is less then a month away from Beloved and my 10 year wedding anniversary. I feel terrible to say that I have no ideas what to do for him to make the day special. It falls in the middle of the work week. It is also the day that school starts up for Snuggle Bug (who, if I recall it rightly, has a half day that day). We're not exactly flush with cash right now. I don't think we're going to be able to really do anything until the weekend and even then I don't honestly know what we could do.

We might get lucky and someone will be able to watch the boys for us so that we can go out to dinner. It seems, however, that babysitting time is harder to come by right now. My emo-tastic brain tells me that it is because the boys (namely Snuggle Bug) are difficult to manage for a length of time and that people only want to deal with the kids in small doses. I think it is more likely that people are busy and simply don't have the time. And, in all honesty, the boys are a handful.

Depression does funny things to how you perceive things and usually it makes you see the worst about a situation, at best. I've been trying not to let my mental health woes color this blog but that has resulted in my avoiding posting in here. I've decided to throw caution to the wind, to some extent, and let myself post on here even when I am not feeling up to it. Not everyday is happy and perfect and it is better that this blog reflects reality rather then some inflated image.

I started this blog post with the goal of talking about the planning for this birthday party. I'm most of the way there on getting things situated. The theme of the party is superheros. I thought briefly about getting stuff with a superhero theme, like a banner or a table cloth or something. Then I saw the cost of it and concluded that I couldn't pay for something that was 4 times the cost of what I could spend on plain items when the kids weren't really going to get all excited over it. It'd be one thing if we were going with a theme like firefighters, which the boys both get really excited about it.

Superheros are something that the boys sort of like but their cousins would be more inclined to get into the fun on it. If the boys are still hot on the concept of firefighters (see what I did right there?) in a few years, then perhaps we'll do a firefighter themed party for them. If we save our pennies, we could possibly manage to hold the party at the training grounds up the road and have the firefighters show off one of their trucks.

The menu is really simple. We're having hot dogs, two different kinds of salad, chips, pretzels, and soda. For dessert, we're having cupcakes. I was going to have them do all Spiderman, Batman, or Iron Man for the cupcakes but they didn't have enough of those plastic rings to go with it all. As a result, we are going to have half the cupcakes with Batman rings and half the cupcakes with Ninja Turtles rings. Again, I don't think the kids are going to care terribly much.

The boys are getting a few different toys from us. I got them each a Transformer robot that is about 8 in tall with fixed limbs. I also located for them monster truck versions of a garbage truck (for Cuddle Bear) and an ambulance (for Snuggle Bug). I purchased a bike helmet for Snuggle Bug. When I am getting groceries tomorrow, I will be getting a bell for the bike that Cuddle Bear will be getting from his grandparents. I was thinking a bell was a better option then a horn. Cuddle Bear does not like loud noises and bike horns are generally pretty loud.

I am not doing stuff like streamers or fancy tablecloths or anything. I looked at the cost of that stuff and decided that I just couldn't justify it out of the budget. Next year is an 'off' year for birthday parties. If I save things up over next year and the summer after, I should have enough put by for the kids to have a themed birthday party that they'll be more likely to remember. Then, if they're still into firefighters, we can do a firetruck themed cake and stuff. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to swing getting fire helmets for the kids and stuff.

In the meantime, I need to start planning for back to school stuff. The school supply lists arrived in the mail this week. I think we'll be picking up what is needed week after next. Then we can do all of the shopping at once. I know that we'll need to get the boys new shoes, socks, and underwear. I'm pretty sure that Cuddle Bear is going to need some new pants too. The ones he has are starting to get a bit small in the leg. I figure if I buy them a bit long in the leg, I can hem them and let the hems out as he grows.

It looks like Snuggle Bug's backpack from Headstart is still solid enough to stand up to kindergarten. Cuddle Bear's backpack from last year, however, is not so fortunate. This time, we will be getting him a larger backpack. The one he had last year was a touch too small for what he needed. I'm going to have the kids packing lunch as often as we can manage, though we are applying to see if we qualify for reduced lunch again this year. I already have a bag for each of the kids.

While I like the idea of bento boxes, I recognize that I may not have the stamina for whipping up fancy bento lunches on a regular basis. I think, however, with some planning and preparation, I can have some plain bento lunches for them to bring regularly. Speaking of bento boxes, I really hope that Beloved can find his lunch box at work so I can clean it up and stuff. My thought is while I am cooking up dinner in the evening, I will just make their lunches and put them in the fridge.

If I can streamline my work, then maybe, just maybe, I can pack lunches more often then it would be necessary for the kids to buy. And if I do it right, it won't be terribly, terribly expensive either. If you follow my pinterest boards, you may find me posting more things about bento lunches in the not so distant future. Don't be surprised if themes around different foods arise. Cuddle Bear's favorite lunch is pizza sandwiches and Snuggle Bug loves his peanut butter and jelly. Since I haven't gotten a notice home saying that peanut butter anything is not allowed at school, I'm going to assume that it is safe to send him in with those.

I remember seeing something about freezing sandwiches after you made them ahead to make them last longer during the week. Perhaps I will give that a try too. Who knows. I think I've run out of things to say. I guess I'll end this post before I blather on about something that is complete nonsense.

Open Letter to Mr. Steve Finnell

On a few different occasions, Mr. Finnell has responded to my posts with an eager effort to promote his faith. I am not opposed to such things, however, I did not publish his replies due to the fact they were entirely tangential (at best) to the subject matter of my posts. Out of respect for Mr. Finnell's apparently earnest desire for dialogue, I am taking the time to direct a post to him. I ask that Mr. Finnell, upon reading this post, please do me the kindness of responding in the comments.

His desire for discussion upon this topic seems sincere but he seems hesitant to engage it upon my other blogs. Thus, I am breaking from my usual posting habits to touch upon this subject in this blog as a gesture of kindness and respect for his apparent discomfort to approach me elsewhere. I welcome others who would wish to join this discussion to do so in the comments as well. While this is my blog, I recognize that I am part of a larger community and that this is the digital equivalent of sitting on the front porch and talking with the neighbors.

All I ask, and I state this only for the sake of clarity, is that the discussion be conducted in a respectful tone. I give my most solemn word that I will treat all comers to this discussion with hospitality and kindness. However, if someone chooses to be offensive in their treatment of myself or others who are engaged in this discussion, I will not post their reply. I know that common courtesy is something of a rarity on the internet and it saddens me that I felt it necessary to make the aforementioned statement. That, however, is something for a different post.

In his most recent reply to one of my posts, Mr. Finnell posted the following:

IS GOD'S GRACE IRRESISTIBLE? BY STEVE FINNELL The doctrine of irresistible grace, that was promoted by John Calvin, teaches that God's grace is applied only to those to whom He has determined to save, overcoming their resistance to obeying the call of the gospel, imputing them with faith in Christ so that they might become saved. God's grace is available to all who hear the gospel. Titus 2:11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. God's grace is available to all men, however, most men reject the salvation offered by God. Men have a choice, grace is not irresistible. Matthew 7:13-14 "Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Men can and do resist the Holy Spirit. Acts 7:51 "You stiff-necked and uncircumcised in heart and ears! You always resist the Holy

I realize that one might feel somewhat constrained by the format of posting replies here on Blogger. I question, however, why Mr. Finnell felt it necessary to post his reply with such dense text. A few line breaks would have made it much easier to read. I ask that in future posting, that Mr. Finnell use line breaks to delineate the difference between the Bible passages he is quoting and his personal sentiments. The format that he has used thus far is very difficult to read, from a technical standpoint. It fatigues the eye and makes it confusing.

Also, ending with a dangling participle is simply bad form, Mr. Finnell. Please, refrain from doing so. If one must end a statement before completing a quote, it is accepted practice to use an ellipsis. If you are not familiar with an ellipsis, it is formed thusly: [...]. I recognize that my arguments thus far are fare more ... peevish and narrow then what one might expect at the outset of this discussion. I confess, I have times where I have played fast and loose with the rules of written communication myself.

It seems, however, that more casual attention to written communication denotes more casual concern with the subject matter. If I am not mistaken, Mr. Finnell, you consider the subject you are attempting to engage me in to be one of great importance. Additionally, it seems to me that the holy book which you are referencing would be one that you hold in high regard and would expend the extra effort to make sure that you are clearly expressing your quotations with the level of gravitas that is merited by the subject matter and source material.

Please, Mr. Finnell, in your responses to me upon this subject, take the time to make your responses easily readable. It makes it not only easier for me to understand what you are communicating but makes me more inclined to engage you upon the subject. I prefer to discuss topics of religion with individuals who are educated to a moderate extent because I come away from the conversation having learned something. It is my hope that this discussion will prove profitable to both of us and the only way that we can begin to approach this is with a clearly defined framework for communication.

Now, I express some disappointment, Mr. Finnell, that you did not identify which version of the Bible you are referencing here. There are subtle but meaningful differences in the language used in the different versions of the Bible that are on the market. I did take a moment to review a few posts on your blog. It seems that you are using the New King James Version. I do now own this version, however, I have an Authorized King James Version. I hope that the differences in the material are not so great as to hinder discussion. I ask, however, that in the future, when you are using quotations, that you note which version of the Bible you are using. I do not know if you, like myself, own multiple versions of this holy book. I would like to be able to reference the same material as you are so that I might be able to understand the quotation in its full context.

I find it curious that you open your post with a declaration. I can not tell if this declaration is from yourself or the esteemed John Calvin. (John Calvin was a very wise man who did a great deal of work to encourage the Protestant reformation and I respect his efforts highly. I would assume from your referencing of him that you are of the Calvinist denomination. If I am incorrect in this assumption, please be so kind as to share what denomination you follow. I am most curious, however, I digress. You open with the following declaration:

The doctrine of irresistible grace, that was promoted by John Calvin, teaches that God's grace is applied only to those to whom He has determined to save, overcoming their resistance to obeying the call of the gospel, imputing them with faith in Christ so that they might become saved. God's grace is available to all who hear the gospel.

If irresistible grace is applied to those whom your God has decided to save, would it not happen that I would be aware of this grace? Would it not have refashioned my beliefs or otherwise reshaped the structure of my life whereby accepting the 'call of the gospel' becomes the only logical path in my life? Additionally, Mr. Finnell, what exactly would your God be saving me from?

It is the belief of your sect that all of humanity is depraved and incapable of ethical behavior with out the intervention of your God. I question how it is that you feel so empowered to make such judgments about myself. Does not the very Bible you have quoted admonish believers to remember that such judgments are the purview of God alone? The sermon upon the Mount of Olives is a very clear lesson upon this matter. It would be the very height of hubris to make such judgments and act upon them.

Your aggressive insistence that I pay court to your efforts to proselytize to me would lead me to infer that you believe that I am amongst the worst wicked and that my salvation must be accomplished by way of your efforts in addition to those of your God. For, indeed, such aggressive efforts to persuade me away from my path bespeaks a lack of faith that your God is sufficient to change my heart upon his own efforts. Is your God omnipotent or not? If your God is omnipotent, then you have no work to do.

Indeed, if your God is omnipotent and desires me to change my ways, he would know the best way to persuade me. It would happen in a manner that I would have no choice but either accept or reject because I would see quite clearly the logical choice in the matter. There would be no fuzzy arguments about ethics, the qualities of God, or what humanity's proper relationship with God, itself, and the world should be.

Titus 2:11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. God's grace is available to all men, however, most men reject the salvation offered by God. Men have a choice, grace is not irresistible.

The quote above leads me to question, Mr. Finnell, if humanity has a choice to reject your God, what power does your God have? How exactly can your God save me if his will is undone by a person merely saying 'no'? I have been beset by great harm and difficulty in my 35 years upon Earth. In those times of difficulty, why did your God not stretch forth his hand and shelter me from the evil that was visited upon me? It would have won him a steadfast and unshakeable convert, I assure you. Yet, your God did no such thing, for myself or many others whom have been or are currently in such a position.

Why does your God rely upon such weak vessels as human action if he truly seeks to save the world? Could it be that those of us who have not been favored by such a kindly glance from your God are not amongst the chosen? I ask, could it be that I was destined for my heathen ways? And, if this was the case, would it not be arrogance and foolishness to attempt to persuade me to take a different path? Would this not be another manifestation of a failure to have complete faith in your God, whom your faith teaches is omnipresent, omnipotent, and all knowing?

Indeed, Mr. Finnell, is it not possible that I, a mere housewife, am placed here to serve as a mirror whereby you might examine your own faith and your efforts to convert me are you moving against the plan of your God? For, if your God has shaped all things and knows the hearts of all humanity, then I am precisely as your God has formed me and I fulfill the role that he has placed me in simply as I am. All life experiences and genetic programming that has lead me to this precise moment in time happened in accordance with your God's will, according to most Christian thought, and I am as I should be with out any action upon your part. It would be a dangerous act of will for one to oppose an omnipotent, omnipresent, all knowing being.

You would have my believe that your presence, as persistent as it is, is a manifestation of that super abundant grace and that your efforts to convert me are endorsed by this. I question, is it your God's will that you are engaged in or your own? You would be quick to declare me amongst the proud and wicked, Mr. Finnell, but what evidence have you that I am so? How is a peaceable person who deals fairly with others and abides by the laws of the land amongst the wicked? How is a person who is more concerned with the good of others then that of themselves amongst the wicked?

I practice my faith quietly. I do good work in my community where I can. I am raising my boys to be good men who respect and honor other people. I do not harm others. I even work to be ecologically sound in my work around the house and in my purchasing efforts, thereby acting as a good steward of the land for the generations that follow me. Please, I ask you, show me what evil these actions have caused? How does this place me amongst the people who are in need of salvation?

Furthermore, what exactly would I be being saved from? What of the people who died unaware of the gospel, Mr. Finnell? The unbaptized and ignorant of your faith, are they condemned as well by their accident of birth? Ah, wait, I forget, Mr. Finnell, a central tenet of your sect of Christianity is that all of humanity is depraved. Thus the infant child is somehow equally as much of an affront to the eyes of your God as he who murders and commits acts of rape. Explain to me, please Mr. Finnell, how that works. The infant child is not yet capable of moral reasoning. They act out of ignorance, in their limited capacity for action, and are not yet experienced enough to conceptualize abstract concepts like malice. The murderer has their faculties and the ability to act as a moral agent. They can consciously choose how to proceed and engage in actions deliberately, even when they choose not to consider those actions fully.

You would have me embrace your faith on the basis of a few quotes. Within those quotes are a thinly veiled threat of punishment if I do not make the 'right' choice and an insult against my person. If such tactics were undertaken at any other juncture, what ever decision I made would be under duress and not of my own free will, if I had felt sufficiently threatened by the threat of punishment. If I were to choose conversion under those circumstances, I did not choose it of my own free will but to avoid punishment. As such, by being forced into such a choice, I didn't make a choice but rather complied with those who were forcing me into the situation out of a sense of self preservation, much like a man who is being robbed at gunpoint would hand over his wallet rather then being shot. The man does not know if the gun is loaded and is forced to operate on the assumption that it is and complies for the sake of his well being.

You, Mr. Finnell, have placed me in this position. Your God seeks a conversion via free will. Your efforts, however, have placed me in a position where said conversion would not be of my free will. Thus, you are undermining God and engaging in a dangerous game, sir. And all of this is with out any consideration for the question of the existence of other Gods and the possible role they play in this scenario.

I ask you, sir, why do you threaten as part of your efforts to convert? The gospel is supposed to be about good news (as that is the root of the term gospel even) and making the world aware of God's love of humanity. One does not persuade a person with threats. That is terrorizing them. Indeed, one could argue that it is psychological and emotional blackmail to do so. I am made of sterner stuff and do not take kindly to such efforts. I will, however, overlook your thinly veiled threats if you would engaged me by way of reason. Persuade me, Mr. Finnell. Tell me what good your God has done for you and the world. Explain to me why your God would permit the evils that happened to me and turned a deaf ear when I appealed for aid.

It was not your God that delivered me from evil, by the way. It was my Gods that helped me to endure it and defend myself from it when it came again in my life. I place low value upon a 'savior' who refuses to rescue a child from a dangerous situation.

Another Tuesday come and gone.

Today was Snuggle Bug's birthday. We didn't have cake and presents because we'll be doing a combined party for him and Cuddle Bear in about a week and a half. Still, I sent him into preschool with a fistful of lollipops to share with his friends and teachers. He was told happy birthday by everybody in the house and given lots of hugs. Snuggle Bug was his usual cheerful and mischievous self. I don't think the lack of cake and presents made too huge of a impression on him.

The boys decided to be contrary this afternoon. It was a difficult afternoon for me. I am trying to adapt my parenting approach from one based in behaviorism to one that is closer to being child lead. Today was day one of this transition. The boys seemed to be of the opinion that this made everything free reign. Their favorite activity was jumping on the couch. I firmly told them that they were not allowed to do it because it was unsafe and it damages the couch. This turned into the boys jumping on the couch and then stopping to tell me that they shouldn't do it because it was bad for the couch.

I am apprehensive over how the next few weeks of this are going to go. I decided to transition to a more child lead approach because the behaviorism one just wasn't getting any real progress. I'm not saying that the boys are poorly behaved. When we're out in public or they are around unfamiliar people, they behave very well. I've had quite a few people comment favorably on this. But things like spankings for potentially dangerous misbehavior and time-out are not working out that well for me.

I thing out of the three of us, I was the one who had the hardest time this afternoon. It was exhausting to keep redirecting them. When it was time to clean up, Snuggle Bug had a melt down and lay on the couch screaming for a few minutes. He was absolutely furious that I wasn't letting him play while his brother and I were picking up. I confess, I did try bribing the boys to cooperate.

It did nothing to motivate them. I think that I need to make clean up a daily activity rather then a weekly one. I am wondering if I made the afternoon more structured for the boys that I would have less problems with melt downs and misbehavior. Currently, it is pretty unstructured. Every thing that I have been reading, it seems that kids with autism benefit from structured activities.

I have about a month before school starts. Between now and then, I am going to reintroduce the 3:00 snack time followed by 'homework' time. Right now, I think I'm just going to have the boys work on coloring pages and maybe have Cuddle Bear do some reading. My thinking is if we have that hour set up as time to sit at the table and work on things, then perhaps it will make homework an easier thing.

Aside from this stuff, I am pleased to report that I finished my plying. All that I have left to do is wet it and set the twist. Then I can use it to finish up the crochet Wingspan shawl I am making. Which I will then over-dye with green so that the different yarns are at least in the same color family. The merino-bamboo fiber that my MiL gave me a few weeks ago has been sitting on the back deck in jars with dye. I'm attempting to solar dye the stuff.

I figure it has been enough time for the colors to seep in. Now I am going to wash the fiber and dry it. Hopefully, the colors set and I will be able to spin up some lush and lofty yarns. One jar has red dye. One jar has a mixture of orange and yellow dye. The third jar has blue. Of the three colors, I am most interested in seeing how the blue and the red come out. I figure if the dye doesn't take for these, I can always spin up the fiber and dye the skein with a bottle of Rit dye. I'm hoping that I don't have to do that, however. We'll see, I suppose.

Fine weather for ducks.

From Here

It rained hard today. So hard that the end of my street by the fire department was flooded. It made walking to Cheergirl's tutoring session an adventure that Cuddle Bear loved. Cheergirl (this may be a new moniker for her, because I don't remember if I had one before or what it was) has been a friend of Cuddle Bear's since he was in the Head Start program a few years ago. Her little brother, Hot Rod, and Snuggle Bug go to Head Start together and will be starting Kindergarten this fall. It looks like they're not going to be in the same class room but I think that is to the benefit of the teaching staff to be honest.

Put Hot Rod and Snuggle Bug in the same room and mischief ensues. They're thick as thieves, as my Grandma K. would say. The boys were off at Head Start today and Cuddle Bear and I were off to Cheergirl's house for her tutoring session. As I tutor Cheergirl in math and english, Cuddle Bear usually plays with her family's cats or is busily showing off for Lily (Cheergirl and Hot Rod's mom) what he can do on the playground, when the weather is nice. During the last few weeks, Cuddle Bear got to play with Cheergirl's half brother, D. and he was real pleased with that.

But, I digress, Cuddle Bear and I were on our way down to do our tutoring/play session. We do this Monday, Wednesday, and Friday over the last month now. (I can't believe it has been a whole month already. Where has this summer gone to?) At first Cuddle Bear was really excited by the fact that he got to carry an umbrella just for himself. Then we crossed the street and he noticed the water running in the ditch.

He decided that was awesome and proceeded to tell me all the reasons why he loved the water. By this time, we had reached the parking lot of the railroad line/lumber yard. There was a LOT of standing water. I foolishly thought it was just a series of really big puddles and that it wouldn't be so bad. Oh, how wrong I was! We splashed through water up to our ankles to the train tracks. Then, as we crossed the tracks, the water came up about an inch higher.

Much to my dismay, what I thought was a series of big puddles was a large flooded swath of the road. It went from the edge of the treeline of the property by the rail line down to across from the firehouse. It was close to 50 yards wide from east to west and around 25 yards wide at its widest point from north to south. We started to traverse this and the water kept getting deeper and deeper. As we were walking, I noticed that there was a bit of a current to everything.

Deciding that we were a quarter of the way to Cheergirl's house, I continued on but did my level best to remain at the edges of the surprise pond. We carefully wound up on the street for a few yards (fortunately with no traffic in sight for a good long ways). It was as we were making our way back to the sidewalk where it emerged from the muddy water that I stepped into a low spot and had water up to my right knee. Cold water and shorts does not mix well. The fates were in my favor, however, because Cuddle Bear was in the ankle deep water

The rest of our walk to Cheergirl's house wasn't as bad. It was a bit breezy, however, and I think I felt every puff. It was when we were going past the runoff ditch that went behind Cheergirl's apartment complex that things got a bit interesting again. The water was again ankle deep and moving at a pretty good clip. I had Cuddle Bear keep a firm hold on me and I kept a firm hold on his wrist when we crossed it. The street was pretty well flooded. When we got to Cheergirl's townhouse, the property groundskeeper was going around telling people to move their valuables up from their basements because basements had started flooding.

I guess we got about a dozen math flashcards down before the guy got to their place. Then tutoring was put on hold to emergency move stuff up out of their basement. I was happy to help because I didn't want Lily to sprain her ankle again. She sprained it pretty bad about two months ago and only recently been declared healthy. It was then that I discovered that I am a pretender to the crown of doll collecting. Helping Lily and Cheergirl move boxes, I found that Lily has a fantastic collection of porcelain dolls. I am not ashamed to say that I envied a few of them, especially the one in the lavender Victorian dress. It was a really splendid doll and even had the box still.

As we were winding down from the fast bit of cardio (and I was quietly thanking the gods that my knees weren't complaining too badly from the stairs), Lily looked up how the weather was effecting the area. That was when we learned about the next town over having a section of road washed out due to the flooding and a good portion of the western part of town (ironically beside the same rail line that starts down the road from me) was getting evacuated because of it. I was impressed with this and decided that perhaps a tactical retreat homeward was the best option.

Cue the mile trudge back home through the same conditions. Cuddle Bear was six kinds of excited and happy with the whole walk. I was a bit more cranky because I was cold and concerned that the flooding might prompt Head Start to send the kids home early. We got home, changed into dry clothes, and ate lunch. Then I tried to call Head Start's transportation office to make arrangements for Snuggle Bug to get dropped off at home rather then at Lily's place. I was curtly informed that such arrangements needed to be made a day in advance, at minimum, and then the woman I was talking to hung up on me. I get that she was probably having a rough day with the weather being what it was. I wasn't exactly impressed (and honestly a bit annoyed) with her lack of customer service skills, however.

So, we make the trek back to Lily's place a bit later. It was a huge relief to find that the massive pool had diminished to a series of large puddles that were a quarter of an inch to an inch deep. We still had to go around one very large pool, where the poor guy living by the lumber yard had his whole lawn flooded and about a hundred feet of sidewalk submerged as well. We were most of the way to Lily's place when we came by the spot that the runoff ditch was spilling into the street.

I was honestly surprised to find a fish laying on the sidewalk. I wasn't sure if it was alive at first when Cuddle Bear pointed it out. Then I leaned down and saw the poor thing's gills flapping. As I didn't know where the nearest body of water was, aside from the lake that was a quarter of a mile away, I felt a bit bad leaving the fish there on the sidewalk. When I saw Lily I mentioned the fish and asked if there was a pond nearby. She stated that there were two. One was at the western end of the runoff ditch on a bit of a rise and then there was one on the eastern end, across the street.

We walked back and I picked up the fish. It was so stunned and unwell that it didn't do anything other then flap its gills when I picked it up. I tossed it into the pond across the street. It made a pretty hefty splash. I couldn't tell what became of the fish after it hit the water. I'd like to think that it recovered because I didn't see it on the surface of the water when we passed by later after Snuggle Bug and Hot Rod's bus had dropped them off.

Snuggle Bug and Cuddle Bear had lots of fun jumping in the small puddles on the way home. We did a little bit of listening to random music on the internet before I set the boys up with some videos on Youtube while I did some dishes and made dinner. We had hamburgers, cheese crackers, and salad for dinner. Cuddle Bear just about had a meltdown when I put the salad on his plate. I told him, however, that he had to eat at least one bite of it before he could get more crackers. To his credit, he didn't take a single piece of lettuce and declare that is one bite.

Snuggle Bug surprised me and ate all of his salad, cheering after each bite that he loved salad. I think I am going to have to hang onto this particular variety of salad dressing because the salad wasn't any different from the ones I have made before. The dressing was Kraft's Red Bell Pepper Italian dressing. I think I am going to have to stock that in my cupboard now. I wasn't terribly impressed with the pretzel rolls that I had gotten when I went grocery shopping at Aldi's last Saturday. I didn't think they were bad but they didn't go well with the burger or the grilled portobello mushroom. I had planned on saving the mushroom for my lunch tomorrow but I was too hungry to pass it up.

Fortunately, I have more of those big, tasty mushrooms in the fridge. I can still zap one in the microwave and have it tomorrow for lunch. I haven't been posting pictures of the salads that I would have been making for myself of late because of two things. One: the software to upload the pictures from the camera to the computer hasn't been installed yet. Two: I have been eating sandwiches and soup rather then salads. I'm still doing alright for keeping breakfast meat free. My lunches, however, have been featuring more cold cuts then I want. Today, though, I manged to go vegan until dinner time. I'm not planning to do the vegan thing every day but once in a while isn't too bad of an idea.

Today, I walked 4 miles. Tomorrow, Snuggle Bug gets dropped off at home. I think it will be an inside day again. I am going to try to get some exercise in by way of housework tomorrow. My living room is literally a train wreck. The boys set up a monstrously huge train track through out the living room and it is in pieces now. Between that and matchbox cars, I don't think I need to fear any ninjas breaking into my home. We have lots and lots of caltrops for them to step on. Thank goodness the legos are regulated to being table toys.

Gardening, kids, and nonsense.

From Here

I am pleased to report that my strawberry bush has produced more very sweet strawberries. I have learned what variety of strawberry that I am growing here. It is an alpine strawberry plant. Apparently it is supposed to have diminutive berries. I have to say, out of all the strawberries that I have had over the years, these are the sweetest.

I am torn between mild disappointment that the plant isn't producing enough to make strawberry tarts with it and sheer joy that I have strawberries that I've grown myself. I'm trending towards joy, just so you know. Amusingly, the boys will not touch them. They view the plant with great suspicion because the fruit looks very little like what we get from the store.

My Mother in law gave me some southernwood cuttings when I saw her recently. She was watching Cuddle Bear for me as I had some appointments to attend to. When I got back from seeing my psychiatrist, she had some cuttings for me. I have planted them in some soil and gave them a good long drink. I also planted the geranium cutting she gave me. She has this wonderful geranium that has blooms that are such a dark red that they are almost purple. I've been lusting after the plant for a few months now.

Tutoring today went fairly well. I wasn't able to locate a dictionary for the girl, but we didn't need it today. I am going to dig through my old pile of books to see if I happen to have one kicking around. If I have a paperback dictionary just sitting on the shelf, I'm going to give it to her. I have an unabridged dictionary sitting on the shelf right now. If I need to look anything up (or murder someone) I have a very effective tool for that with out even needing to go online. I brought down the math flashcard that Cuddle Bear isn't quite ready for. We did some work with them. I'm going to let them borrow the cards until school starts. According to theory, if she works on those flashcards, she will get a bit stronger with her mathematics and have an easier time with the other stuff.

It's been really interesting and rather confusing how she is so hit or miss with her mathematics skills. Some things she does well with repeatedly. Others, she really struggles and needs to be coached through the problems. My friend (the girl's mom) is talking about getting her tested to see what learning disorders she might be dealing with. When she asked me what I thought, I said that I could only see good things coming from the testing. Because they've got really good health insurance through the state, I know that a full battery of tests would be covered, as this is showing up in other areas and has my friend concerned that there is some kind of developmental or other problem at play. I really hope that they can get it figured out and a plan for how to work with it all.

Snuggle Bug has adjusted well to the new summer schedule at Headstart. He apparently has been telling his teachers quite excitedly about how he gets to play at his friends' house often. They've written a note asking who it is that he is talking about. I'll be letting them know in a note tomorrow. I am just amused that Snuggle Bug is having such a wonderful time with it all. It seems to have made it easier for him to get into the swing of things after having almost two weeks off.

Cuddle Bear has been having a lot of fun playing with his friend when she is done with our tutoring sessions. His big thing right now has been the pole on the playground at her apartment complex. Cuddle Bug has been talking about this thing non-stop since last Wednesday. Wednesday was when he figured out how to use it. Now he wants to bring down a fireman's hat and pretend that he is Fireman Sam. I'm happy that he is enjoying it and even more so that he has developed the upper body strength to use it. Last summer, he wouldn't have been able to do so. It makes me optimistic that he is continuing to make good progress on strengthening his body through play.

I made the mistake of looking at the other mommy blogger's posts. For a few minutes, I felt poorly about my blog's lack of pictures and its rather unprofessional lay out. Then I took a mental step back and considered the situation. I am investing my efforts into things like making yule gifts and managing my disability. I am very busy with two autistic boys who are very full of energy. While these other mommy bloggers may have blogs that look professional and polished, they are not exactly dealing with the workload that I am. Perhaps when school starts up again, I may tweak the lay out of the blog and who knows, maybe I'll manage to get some more pictures up on here.

I don't need to be doing the same thing that these women are. My home and family has different needs. It is more important that I focus my efforts on meeting those needs then trying to make my blog look as shiny and pretty as those other mommy bloggers have theirs looking. I'm not out there doing a boatload of DIY crafts and stuff to make my home look pretty or follow the latest trends. And, now that I think about it, I am rather happy not following trends. It is better to pursue my own authentic vision of life then that which is out there for the trendy people. It's not that I've got anything against following trends, but I'm far more healthy when I consult my inner sense of things compared to when I am trying to keep up with trends.

I may just swear off looking at those mommy blogs. Or start looking for the mommy blogs that are more like my own. Where the biggest triumphs of the day are things like mastering a new crochet technique (Today I'm learning how to make a sock from the cuff down. I'm working on turning the heel right now, it doesn't look quite right but I'm trying.) or keeping the kids from having massive meltdowns because they wanted to go get ice cream when we didn't have the funds for it. I'm going to try to update this thing more often.

After all, there may be another mommy looking for a realistic mommy blogger just like me.

Celebrating Independence day is optional.

It has been a few years now since I have felt the pull to celebrate the 4th of July. It is less a matter of not enjoying fireworks and barbecues and more that I feel a deep sense of disconnect with the folks around me who get whipped up into a patriotic fervor. It's not that I don't love my country. It's not that I'm not proud of the good that we have done as a nation. And it is most definitely that I don't appreciate the sacrifices that have been made so that we might live in relative freedom compared to the rest of the world.

I appreciate all of these things. I enjoy a good fireworks show as much, if not a little bit more, then the next gal. Family barbecues are often the highlights of the summer. My problem, however, is that I can't blithely celebrate all of these things while there is so much that is very, very wrong in this country. Celebrating our 'freedom' while our nation has one of the highest incarcaration rates in the world strikes me as a sick irony. We're tied with Seychelles for the number one position on that list. When people cheer about USA being number one at something, I highly doubt this is what they have in mind.

I can not in good conscience celebrate the military when the military does such a poor job of taking care of veterans. The VA is infamous for the poor quality of their hospitals and of their poor quality of service to the veterans. When there are veterans dying as they are waiting for assistance from the hospital and that this is reported in news story, after news story, after news story, there is something terribly wrong with this picture. This is not something to celebrate. This is something to get angry over and demand to be fixed.

I can not in good conscience celebrate the 'freedom' of the nation when rulings are made that strip liberties away from the people and encourage discriminatory practices by the Supreme Court. Rulings like the most recent one on the Hobby Lobby case, the one a few years back regarding eminent domain, or the other one from recent past wherein portions of the restrictions on how spending was used in an election were struck down. I can not look at these things and say that my nation respects my freedom and rights with these kinds of decisions.

The Hobby Lobby case has established that one's employer may pressure their employees against medical treatments that the employer finds distasteful. One might say that I am blowing this out of proportion because it is merely telling them that they can choose not to consume health insurance options that permit contraceptives (in this specific case) but they have always had that option. The case establishes that it is in principle tolerable and legal to discriminate against women who use contraceptives, regardless of the cause and medical need for said use. I said something about this a few days ago. You may want to take a peek at it to get my full opinion on the implications of that ruling.

The eminent domain ruling has essentially ended private property ownership, when it comes to land. It has created a situation where a business can, on the promise of creating more tax revenue for the municipality, take your property under color of law. It may not be the business itself taking the land, but the end result is just that. There's a reason why many people hate Walmart. It is because since this ruling, Walmart has been utilizing this legal process of ejecting people from their property on a regular basis. The only reason why no one has really heard much about it in the news is because the business is big and brings in a considerable amount of money, compared to the private property owners who are getting shafted. Also, the law hasn't been used to force people out of their houses, for the most part.

No, people losing their homes have been a result of financial bubbles collapsing and shady business practices in the banking world. Another thing that I can not say makes the 4th worth celebrating. The 'American Dream' is to own your own home, have a vehicle, and a reasonably secure job that you can retire from once you've become old enough that you're not particularly apt at it any more. That dream is not a reality for most of the nation. Most of us are going to be working until we're well into our 'Golden Years' and I don't expect Social Security to provide much of a safety net.

According to theory, on paper, my family is middle class. Functionally, we're at the bottom of the middle class spectrum. We have health insurance through charity programs because we can't afford it otherwise. We've used up most of our savings on medication to manage my health problems. We are mired in debt because we did what we were encouraged to when we finished high school: went to college. There are people who have college degrees who are working multiple minimum wage jobs to keep a roof over their head. Why? Because the jobs that we were promised before we went to college aren't there.

The nation is living paycheck to paycheck. In some cases, they're hanging in the best they can until they get their benefits check at the beginning of the month. I can not celebrate this. I don't celebrate Independence Day because there's too many things wrong with this country. I don't feel that I or the rest of us have the right to rest on the laurels collected by others and perform in public rituals of mental masturbation, ignoring the work that needs done.

Between the unjust wars that we have entered into and the plight of the nation becoming clear to me, I simply can not celebrate the nation in that unanimous orgy of fireworks, hot dogs, and beer that so many of my countrymen do. It is the same as spitting in the face of my neighbors who count themselves lucky if they can afford those hot dogs this week. I refuse to do that.