Social life? Meh.

I went out last night to the LARP that I participate in. I spent a good chunk of the night feeling somewhat bored and uncomfortable. Add to that the fact that I was completely out of ideas as to how I could cause mischief and it resulted in a fairly uneventful (game wise) session. I spent more time just talking with people I know.

It made me realize just how much I tend to isolate myself. It was a disappointment to realize that. I've been struggling with my mental illness. It was a surprise to see just how much of a struggle it has been to maintain my social contacts even by way of internet activity. I've started working with a social worker in the hopes of building more contacts within the community I live in. I was getting frustrated with that business but neglecting my established social connections.

To say the least that realization bothered me as I drove home. I functionally don't have a social life except for a handful of things I do. I need to correct that. It's not healthy of me to withdraw so much and it is my hope that I will do more to work on that. This little blog entry is essentially my making public a promise to myself: I will maintain my relationships and build more over the next year.

I think it will be harder then learning a new language or finally learning linear algebra. A part of me is filled with dread. That will pass, eventually. To all of my friends that happen to read this, I am sorry that I have been so quiet. I will do my best not to be so quiet moving forward from this point.

I love my kids.

Today has been an exasperating and generally frustrating day. The youngest has been in a contrary mood and the eldest is ill.

Just the same, I love them dearly and wouldn't trade these moments. I am deeply thankful that I have them in my life. I am a blessed woman, even though somedays I have a hard time keeping that fact in sight.

Random thoughts.

I just realized that if I had a single typed page for each entry in here, I would have a book written by now.

It gives me a great deal of hope to see this.

In other news, I'm so annoyed with the kids trashing the room literally behind me as I finish cleaning something up. I absolutely can't wait for preschool tomorrow. Both boys are going to be out of the house for a little while and I can have a little peace.

Things to learn

Here is my list of things that I want to learn this year:

1. Spanish
2. German
3. Nalbinding
4. Tatting
5. Medieval poetry forms
6. Kenning
7. Weaving techniques
8. Solar dying
   
9. Linear algebra
10. How to make a corset
    

feminisim

i am what one would call a classical feminist. my more militant feminist friends would most likely feel that i am not taking a hard enough stance, if not out right betraying 'the cause' in being a housewife. what they forget is that feminism is about giving women the ability to CHOOSE how they're going to live their lives professionally, to CHOOSE how they manage their reproductive and sexual health, and to protect the RIGHT to those choices (among many others).

it's is stolen from my Facebook page.

if you don't know what the story is on feminism here's a good place to start:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism

Bento boxes!

I have fallen in love with the concept of the bento box. There are lots of great websites that talk about recipes and different ways to design them. I have whipped up a few different ones off and on over the last year or so. Cuddle Bear was a bit to young to really appreciate them when I got started, which left me a bit frustrated.

Now that he is older, however, I can start applying some of these awesome ideas that I have encountered. Tonight, the boys are getting bento boxes for dinner. I made them the following:

• Hummus & cream cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread
• Apple slices/chunks (crinkle cut with my nifty knife)
• Mini marshmallows and vanilla wafer cookie

I'll be giving them juice with dinner because we have about four bottles of it kicking around here. My plan is to put together boxes for them to have for lunches next week when Cuddle Bear and Snuggle Bug are both off from preschool. (Snuggle Bug is now going to preschool 2 days a week. It's been a relief that he has taken to it so well.)

I'm going to post what I whip together for them to eat. Eventually, I may even get pictures of the meals and the boys enjoying them up on here too.

Making progress...

I've recently finished making gifts. I am now half through wrapping them. I have half of my yule cards out in the mail. On the whole, the only big thing left is decorating. I'm not sure just how aggressively I'll be going after that because the boys are getting into everything.

I am, however, making progress and getting things done. That counts as a win, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #30

I'm finally at the end of the month and I finally have my post count up to where I wanted it to be. Yay! In other news, discussing stuff regarding Cuddle Bear's foray into schooling is so stressful. I understand Beloved getting hot under the collar over it. It was hard, but I managed not to 'catch' his stress. I kept focusing on trying to clarify what he was upset over and trying to clarify where I was coming from. I'm still feeling pretty wound up, but I'm not angry or otherwise feeling poorly.

I guess that's a win, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #29

Random nonsense goes here. I'm doing the lazy man's way out and making a paragraph stand for a blog post. I'm also having a hard time getting my thoughts to slow down long enough to type them up. I type pretty fast, as it is, so I think it may be time for my medication. At least I'm no longer on the verge of a panic attack. But my brain is whirling around faster and faster. I don't like it when I get like this.

But, this is why I have medication.

NaBloPoMo Post #28

So, I am a little past half way finished with my list of Yule projects. I still need to figure out how to get pictures off of the digital camera so I can put together that photo album for my MiL. I hope to pin my husband down tonight and get him to show me what I must do, this way I'm not stuck bothering him a lot later on. I need to go out shopping for two items.

I want to give Snuggle Bug two puzzles for yule. So, I am going to have to hit up the store where I got the one for a second. Then the puzzle box will be full of puzzles again. Which I am sure both kids will enjoy. I also need to go out and buy him a sweater. I know that he has several that were passed down from his big brother but I really feel that I need to get him another. Because quite a few of the hand-me-down sweaters are getting small around the neckline. I want him to be able to actually use them. If I'm lucky, I may manage to find him a hoodie with Cookie Monster on it. Because, Snuggle Bug LOVES Cookie Monster.

I'm at the point now where I am about to start work on two stuffed animals. I also have a hat left to make. It's a tough decision but I think I'm going to finish the hat first because it will be fairly quick to do. Then I can get the animals done and be ready except for wrapping stuff up. And if I work at it diligently, I can be at the point where all of that is taken care of before Yule even.

NaBloPoMo Post #27

I have a lot of stuff put aside for doing scrapbook pages and collages. I should probably get my hands on it and actually start putting these pages together. I think that will serve as my 'Artist Date' this week. I'll take some time Sunday afternoon. That'll be my reward for getting through the week.

If I do a page a week, I should get caught up after a little bit. Or perhaps I'll do two pages. I don't know. But I am not going to get ahead of myself and try to make myself do too much. I want to take as steady and reasonable of a process as I can manage. All of this reminds me, I need to print off pictures of the boys for the photo album that we're going to be giving my MiL for Yule this year. I don't know how we're going to get that done.

I think we'll probably be ordering prints via Wally World. I suspect, however, that will be one of the last things that we require from anywhere for presents. Again, I need to go through the pile of stuff. I should probably start wrapping things now instead of doing it all in a mad rush for the last few days before Yule.

NaBloPoMo Post #26

Well, I'm three posts behind where I wanted to be. I will probably ramble on about politics or something else later on this evening to get my post count caught up. I'm almost finished with NaBloPoMo. As I look back over the month, I am glad I didn't take on NaNoWriMo. I think it would have made getting ready for Yule a nightmare and just stressed me out horribly. So, I suppose I made the right decision this year.

Maybe next year I'll do NaNoWriMo. I'm not going to leave major work on Yule gifts until October next year. That was just foolish of me.

NaBloPoMo Post #25

Ahh, Pakistan. I'd just like to say that I called this one coming a mile away. There's this little thing called sovereignty. When one country ignores it and does what ever the hell they want in another country, the other country is going to get pissed. Now, I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck we thought it was a good idea to take a shit in the sandbox of another NUCLEAR capable nation.

We got Osama Bin Laden, whoopie. And the Taliban is running around doing bad shit, then hiding in Pakistan.

Seriously, that part of the world is a goddamn power keg and it's not going to turn out pretty if we keep trying to boot stomp our way around there.

Of course, reading about this stuff just makes me cranky. Maybe I should go back to reading about happy fun things. Our government is run by idiots. I'm genuinely convinced of this.

NaBloPoMo Post #24

I've been following the news about Syria for a little while now. The UN has finally grown a pair of balls and called the Syrian government on their atrocious treatment of protesters. I think it's because the Arab League has put on their ass kicking boots and are not tolerating Syria's bullshit. Between sanctions and ultimatums, I think they're getting ready to take action if there is no change to the situation.

For my part, I'm rather disgusted that the USA hasn't taken a more decisive stance on the matter. There was an initial statement and then pussy footing around. And I hold Hillary Clinton in even more contempt then I had before because she called this toothless response 'smart power.' I question, Madam Secretary, where is your outrage over the brutal violence against peaceful protesters?

Last I recall, your husband took a stand against similar brutality that was going on in Kosovo. Oh, wait... that was a war. Never mind, we apparently only will act when we feel we have the moral high ground in the event of a ...

Wait? What? Oh yeah... Iraq. Wasn't that where Saddam Hussein was brutalizing his people? We didn't turn a blind eye to that ... well, not over the last few years of his ...

Oops... I guess the US record on human rights is kinda shitty on that front. How many people died because we failed to put on our big kid pants and stood up for what was right?

Let's see, we've got:

Darfur
Somalia
Iraq
Kosovo
Stalin's Russia
Kim Il Sung's North Korea

And that's just the beginning of the list. And we've a place of honor... we're on that list of genocides for Nixon's fun in Vietnam.

The next time some asshat tells me that we have the moral high ground in international politics, I may just beat them to death with a dictionary... like the unabridged one, which if you drop it out a 2nd story window on to someone it'll cause severe injuries because it weighs several pounds.

Good on the Arab League. US, let's get our heads out of our asses and get our shit together.

NaBloPoMo Post #23

I'm way behind on my blogging for the month. I feel a little frustrated with that, to be honest. Of course, as I look back over my last few blog posts I feel a bit embarrassed by them. A paragraph is a bit wimpy, so says the part of my brain that has been insisting that I should have taken on NaNoWriMo this year. I'm working on not being calculatingly critical.

Oh, hells, a paragraph is better then nothing, right? Maybe I'll come up with some other random thoughts to post next. Stargazer did NaBloPoMo and had some entries that were a single sentence. If she did it, so can I.

NaBloPoMo Post #22

I feel worn out. Not physically but emotionally. I think it's just from my hormones being all over the place due to my menses but I'm not entirely sure. A part of me says there's no point to blogging if no one is reading. I've been doing my best to tell that part to shut up, with little success.n

NaBloPoMo Post #21

Short post. Leg hurts. Stomach aches and I've felt cold all day. Blargh.

NaBloPoMo Post #20

It's been a long day today. And yet, here I am at the end of the day more awake then I was in the early part of the day. I don't know why. Perhaps it's just an off moment. Perhaps there's something else at play. Either way, I'm not looking forward to all the work of tomorrow.

I tell myself that I am blessing my home and cleaning a holy place, thus serving my gods and helping my family. Cleaning, however, continues to be drudgery. Some day, I'll change my relationship with it. If I keep telling myself these positive things, I should change my mindset on this, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #19

And now for a bit of fiction...

---

The Priestess walked the halls of the temple beyond the partition of the sanctuary. Cradling a hot cup of tea with honey in it, she proceeded at a stately pace, meditating on her role as head of the order. It was unprecedented that she dropped part of her title during informal interactions. It was equally unprecedented that the High Priestess of the order would work intimately with her junior priestesses. It had earned her the informal title of "Blessed Mother".

On this morning, she was tired and watching the honey colored light slid through the archways to glow in vibrant pools on the marble flagstones. She walked through these pools, half expecting to feel its warmth catch upon her voluminous skirts like water. From one end of the colonnade to the other, she walked. A pair of acolytes knelt near the midpoint of the passage, scrubbing the stones with wide, soft bristled brushes beside a bucket of cold water. The priestess knew they were watching her from the corners of their eyes.

The dark haired woman stopped near the two younger women. The pair remained steadfastly focused on their task despite the silent presence behind them. "Rise and come with me," she said quietly. The acolytes looked at each other. "Floors always need cleaning. It will keep. Now, come with me," the High Priestess of Yulara prompted gently. The pair kneeling before her looked at each other. One resumed scrubbing as the other stood.

With a small gesture of benediction, the priestess turned and began walking again. "Your sister is still too troubled by the world," the priestess said to her young shadow, "Come, walk by my side, not behind me. We are sisters in our service to the gods." Reluctantly, the acolyte walked to the left of the head of her order. The young woman's short hair shone like spun gold in the morning's light as they walked out into the courtyard.

"My dear, do you know why your sister failed to accept my invitation?" the black clad woman asked. The acolyte chewed her lower lip, unsure what the correct answer was and thus remained silent. The Blessed Mother looked over and smiled indulgently. "The wise choose silence when unsure how to respond, you have done well," she said before taking a sip of her tea.

The pair walked to a bench sheltered by a pair of thin trees with silvery green leaves. The brilliant sunlight bathed the courtyard with blinding beauty. It caught in the tresses of the Blessed Mother and made the touch of gray in her hair silver. "Sit, my child," she said, gesturing beside herself on the bench. Obediently, the young woman sat with her hands folded in her lap. The Blessed Mother looked over at the younger woman.

Her blond hair had been cut short as a sign that she was reborn upon her entry into the order. Unlike other maidens under her care, the Blessed Mother noted this young woman maintained the short hairstyle. Her white robes were pristine beneath her dingy gray work smock. The Blessed Mother remembered herself as a maiden of the order, struggling to maintain the pure white of her own robes.

"Tell me, my Daughter," she said, "What is your heart's dearest wish?" The maiden looked over, surprise in her eyes. "You've not taken the vow of silence," the priestess said with a rich chuckle, "So speak, child." The young woman looked at her hands.

"I wish to serve the gods," answered the acolyte, "As you do, Blessed Mother." The priestess smiled, hearing the undertones of the young woman's answer.

"That requires a great deal of study and sacrifice," she said.

"I know. I am willing to do what I must," the acolyte.

The priestess nodded. "Very well. Return to your chores. Take the vow of silence for one year. Then we shall speak again of this," the older woman said, "If you are truly ready for the sacrifices you must make, a year of silence will be a simple thing."

NaBloPoMo Post #18

Random thought: the Duggars are having their 20th child. For some reason, it disturbs me that they've had 20 children. It's not that I begrudge anyone the joy of having kids. It's not that I have an issue with people not using contraceptives in their marital bed. I'd be one huge hypocrite if I got up on the soap box over that.

The thing that disturbed me was the quote from Michelle Duggar:

It feels more natural to be pregnant than not.

I just sat there and went 'Good Goddess preserve me from that mindset!' Honestly, I can't see myself enduring morning sickness and all the other discomforts of pregnancy 20 times. I lack the words to express how much I do not EVER want to experience that. Three time, maybe. 20 times? Hel no!

Good luck to the Duggars. I think all y'all are nuts. But, there's gotta be some crazies in the world to make it go 'round, right?