Me vs Food.

I have a confession to make. I'm now down to 179 lbs from being at 199 lbs a little while back. I wish I could say it was do to good clean living, healthy food choices, and robust exercise. The truth is, I'm down 20 lbs from my previous weight because I've been eating less. Some would say that is the point of a diet, to eat less.

If that is how you feel about it and think that what I've done is healthy, please stop reading right now and go do something else. The point of a diet is to change your eating habits to something conducive to the state of health you wish to be in. This might mean smaller portions, cutting out certain foods, or replacing certain foods with different ones. Or some combination of the three. That's not what I've been doing.

I have a problematic relationship with food. When I was younger, I was borderline anorexic. I starved myself because I felt it was the only way to make sure everyone in the house had enough food to eat, at first. I started that when I was about six or seven. As I got older, I felt less and less in control of my own life. Thus, I controlled how much I ate because that was one thing I could tell I had absolute control over. Additionally, I thought that not eating certain foods (ie fatty ones) would make my 'zits' go away. And, I was ashamed to eat in front of other people because my build was different from theirs. The harassment that I got for being so thin was awful and it has taken a very long time for me to become comfortable eating in front of people again. On my good days, I just have no problem with it. On my bad days, it is a real struggle to make myself eat because I feel that I am repulsive whilst eating.

Then I developed an ovarian cyst. The doctors said that I was so underweight they were concerned about how well the surgery would go. Fortunately, I wasn't so underweight that it went poorly. That was when Beloved decided he was going to make me finish my meals when I was out with him. He didn't go so far as to put the food in my mouth but nothing else happened until I finished my meal. I tried being slick about it and ordering small meals. The folks at the restaurant we went to regularly realized what he was doing and I regularly got full sized portions when I thought I was getting halves. You know you have a problem when the guys running your favorite restaurant start helping your significant other put more food into you.

After a few years of that, I got up to a relatively healthy weight. I was amazed by this because I suddenly had more energy then I ever did before. I wasn't cold all the time. I didn't have times where my stomach randomly hurt for reasons I never put together (that I was hungry). With some therapy, I learned to identify when I was hungry and how to take care of myself on that front. When it was time that we were attempting to have Cuddle Bear, I was actually ten pounds overweight. With some vigorous exercise and skipping extra sweets, I dropped down to 150 lbs and conceived shortly there after (with some medical assistance).

This was also the story of how Snuggle Bug was conceived. After Snuggle Bug was born, I thought my issues with eating were resolved. I did my best not to think about how 'fat' I looking in the mirror and focus on eating healthy foods. When I gained weight from my psych meds, I got even more depressed and felt I was hideous. Mind you, when I was grossly underweight, I felt that I was hideous then too. My weight yo-yoed a bit as I tried to get more exercise and return my weight to what I felt healthiest at (150 lbs). A part of me says I should be pleased with the fact that I've lost 20 lbs over the last month and a half.

That equals about 3lbs lost a week. It's a bit high but in the relatively healthy range. The problem is that weight loss didn't happen over the course of those six weeks. It happened in three. That makes it 6lbs a week. That is a sign that there is a problem. I know exactly what the problem is. I'm skipping meals again. I started skipping meals when I got anxious over the budget. This lead to my being anxious that we were not going to be able to afford to keep the pantry stocked and our family fed. While money is tight right now, I know that we've got resources we can turn to for help. We're not going to go hungry.

Rational thought, however, doesn't enter into this. My PTSD has been problematic for several months now, to the point where I was having nightmares every night. After my medication got adjusted, the nightmares stopped, more or less. But the feeling like my life was completely out of control and I was helpless to do anything about the problems we were facing was very powerful. Thus, I skipped meals. I would tell myself that I didn't feel hungry or that I would eat 'later'. Next thing I knew, I hadn't had breakfast or lunch as I was sitting down to dinner.

I only came to the realization that this problem has come back up today. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I don't know how I am going to regain a sense of control over my life. I feel like my PTSD and bipolar are running everything. I feel like my arthritic knees and PCOS are a time bomb waiting to go off. I look in the mirror and I find myself looking at my eczema and picking at it again, like I did in high school. I feel helpless right now. And that is creating major problems for me, again.

Ramblings and stuff.

I have been plugging away at life in the hopes of getting ahead on a few different fronts. Somehow, though, it keeps going a bit sideways on me. I can report, however, that I have finished that shawl I was working on since last August. I knew it was going to be pretty big from the pictures that went with the pattern. Once I got it off the needles, I was kinda left in shock at the size of it. Still, I have it finished and ready to be given to my sister in law.

Beloved has been searching for a hat to wear in the sun. I had been searching for a hat for him as well. I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. I picked up some space-dyed blue/white cotton yarn and crochet him a bucket hat. The first attempt was waaay too large and basically made him look like Cobra Commander, if Cobra Commander's hood thingy was in multiple shades of blue and white. We laughed and then I got to work on my second attempt. I am pleased to say that the second attempt was successful and his hat fits just right now.

I have been struggling with my writing. Part of the problem is the fact that I haven't felt well for a while now. Part of the problem is I haven't been sleeping well. And part of the problem is the fact that I have been very anxious of late, which turns writing time into worrying time. All of this interference has made it very difficult to focus enough to keep up with my blogging, let alone work on any of my books. I wish I didn't get so upset and panicky that I couldn't think when I have sat down to write of late.

It's been hard because the financial situation smacked me in the face recently. I knew that things were tight. After going over the budget to fill out a form to request a reduced rate at my therapist's office (they've made changes to their billing structure and my old form didn't meet their new requirements), I quietly sat at the kitchen table and did my best not to start shaking and freaking out. I am hoping that we'll hear something from Social Security regarding my second attempt to get disability in the near future.

Until then, it's creative budgeting and pinching pennies. I have been having difficulty socializing, which makes being logged into Keen torture. So, I have been avoiding it because I break out in a cold sweat at the prospect of talking to someone unfamiliar of late. My therapist is of the opinion that this is partially due to my high stress levels. I just want to get back to where I was mildly uncomfortable talking to people I didn't know rather then quietly panicking over the idea that they might attack me for daring to even exist.

I'm sure that my panic would be pegged as a variant of paranoia. I just know that it sucks and I want it to go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be doing that right now. My psychiatric provider has adjusted my medications again as of last week. We'll see if this resolves issues for me or not. I am hesitant to say that it has helped me sleep. Last night was the first night of no nightmares since August. I am daring to hope that tonight will be just as nightmare free. I would like to get back to where I am not afraid to go to sleep.

I am just trying to keep things moving forward. I don't feel like I'm making progress but Beloved assures me that I am. The gods tell me that everything will be ok and I should persevere. So, I've put my shoulder to the proverbial boulder and been pushing with all my might. Either things will improve or I will find a better way to cope with it all. Something is going to change if by nothing more then pure force of will.

Stumbling around toys and stuff.

The apartment is something of a pit of chaos right now. It's not as bad as it was yesterday afternoon but it is still not as tidy as I'd like it to be. I'm looking at everything and feeling the itch to start pitching stuff again. I recognize that the urge to organize and such is part of my entering into a hypomanic phase. Honestly, however, I think we could benefit from a purge of broken toys. There's just enough of them that I get irritated by them. The question is how to manage it with out the kids having massive meltdowns over it.

The laundry seems to have taken on a life of its own and declared the living room to be its domain. I just haven't had the energy to fold all five loads right now. I keep telling myself that I'll get it taken care of tomorrow. And then it is the end of the next day and I haven't done anything about it. Today, I folded one load and put it away. So, we're no longer at six loads of laundry in the living room. I don't think, however, that counts as much progress on that front.

I've been struggling with writing for the last few weeks. I stare at the screen and my mind just goes blank. I get the same problem with my journals. It is a really awful feeling, especially for someone who hopes to make some money via their writing. I have been spending some time editing. Book two of the fantasy series is off at beta readers right now. My goal is to have all of my ducks in a row to self publish this by the end of July. As my beta readers are making their way through the manuscript, I have been flailing over what to do for a cover. It hasn't been very pretty.

My mental health hasn't been the best. I want to say that I'm finished with this recent depressive episode. I don't know, however, if that is 100% accurate. My difficulty sleeping has come back somewhat and I've been making up the difference with naps in the morning. I'd like to say that it has improved the situation but, honestly, I don't think it is. I am attempting to not worry about stuff and not sit here and complain about how unfair it is. I still have a lot of anxiety and anger, however, roiling around in my gut that I just can't seem to get out. (Because of the difficulty in writing, which is also extending into drawing/painting right now too.)

I'm not seeing my therapist as often as I was before. I just kinda feel that I'm treading water right now. The medications help even out my moods, I suppose. But I keep having more unpleasantness welling up when I sit down to look at it. I am not even phased by it. I look at it, sigh, and then continue on with my day. It's, to some extent, become like another ache or pain. My knees haven't been happy with the weather, so the aches and pains have been regular. Hopefully, the return to the regimen of gulcosamine will resolve that.

Gardening stuff is a mixed bag. I have some seeds that I want to sow but I need a bit of work done to get the pots I am going to put them into ready. I picked up a few plants at the farm market just up the road. I purchased a bunch of herbs (apple mint, chocolate mint, and dead nettle). I potted up the mints and put the dead nettle into the flowerbed in the front yard by the steps. I had to cover everything because of the potential for frost tonight. My biggest concern is that my miniature rosebushes will not survive the night.

I will be very disappointed if they die. It's bad enough that I can't just plant them in the yard and I basically have to treat them as annuals. If I can't get them to make it through the season, I will be quite sad. I'm hoping that they will take well to being potted. I divided them and put them into pots last week, they look a bit bedraggled. I would love it if they bloomed. I am thinking about keeping one of the pots indoors in the back hallway over the winter so that I can keep at least one plant but I don't think that is a realistic option. Ah well, such is life.

On the Baltimore riot

NOTICE: Re-posted from my Facebook account. I was inspired to write this after the umpteenth time of seeing people saying that the riots are BADWRONG and not conducive towards effecting change to resolve the problem highlighted by the death of Freddie Gray. Flame me if you will, I'll just ignore you and continue in my merry way.

riots are the language of the oppressed. it has been the case for as long as there have been people oppressed in *any* society. you can find examples on the matter of race going back at least to the Civil War era (if not longer). some of those riots were not termed such, but rather 'slave rebellions' (because the rioters were slaves).

have there been riots by those who are in the dominant group? yes but the majority of riots that have happened over the course of history are the oppressed attempting to force change. and they get called riots by the dominant group because it belittles what the rioters are moved to violence over and their acts of rebellion.

if you are going to say that a riot isn't the way 'civilized' people effect change, you are taking an exceptionally narrow and elitist view on history. sometimes, the only way change happens is because of the pressures placed upon the dominant group through the uprising of the oppressed group(s) and one of the ways the oppressed puts pressures on the dominant group is through violence.

when they've been stripped of 'legitimacy' and 'credibility' by the dominant group (who systematically undermines peaceable efforts to effect change by the oppressed, because that's what oppression does), the oppressed people are left with a limited range of ways to force society at large to take notice of their situation and demand redress of grievances. in an ideal world, people could peaceably assemble and air their grievances with the expectation that just action would be taken to rectify the problem.

that, however, is not the world we live in. when systemic oppression reaches a limit where it is intolerable, people will violently move to throw off the limits of oppression. this is part of the reason why the American Revolution happened.

don't like it? then actively work to see justice done for the oppressed and give them back their voice, legitimacy, and credibility in our society. if no one does anything, this will continue to fester and get worse. not because rioting is bad but because oppression is like cancer and will spread to other areas as the people who are in positions of power attempt to expand it.

me vs bipolar: round 5793 FIGHT!

I haven't been feeling well for a little while now. I spent about half of this month depressed. Possibly a little longer, because my sense of time is fuzzy right now. Today has been a really rough day due to my fucked up brain chemistry. I slept all morning on the couch because I just didn't have the energy to do anything. Then I was anxious this afternoon. Then evening hit and I found myself somewhere between wanting to scream incoherently in rage/frustration and sob with crushing grief.

I've taken some Ativan and as it has been kicking in, I can feel myself calming down. I still feel lousy but I'm no longer ready to throw things across the room. This is a significant improvement. I just want to curl up and go to sleep but I dread the idea of it. A part of me tells me it is wasted time which I should be spending on something productive. Today, I was so unfocused that I couldn't really do much of anything.

My sense of time has become so warped that I honestly thought today was the 30th and put that date on some checks I was about to mail out. I have picked them out of the mailbox and set them aside to send on the correct day. I was feeling better yesterday. I wasn't feeling great but I wasn't like this. I was landing more on the depressive side of the ledger but I was more functional too.

Now... I don't know what to do with myself. I feel awful between the frantic sense that I am doing everything wrong, the guilt that my disability is keeping me from contributing financially to our household, and this directionless, all consuming anger. The Ativan is making it a little less explosive but I still feel like I'm on the verge of falling to pieces. I tried, I really did try to get some writing done today but I couldn't get past the sense that my efforts to create a writing career is an exercise in futility and that no one really wants what I have to offer.

I am struggling with the sense that I am somehow doing this whole parenting thing wrong. Logically, I know that there is nothing I have done to cause my children to have autism (or be showing pretty much most of the hallmarks of ADHD). I fully understand, intellectually, that my only contribution to this situation is genetic and that Beloved and I are doing all the things we can to support and help them navigate the challenges that come from these diagnoses. My neurochemical issues, however, have me perseverating on the idea that I have some how caused my children's difficulties and that I am a bad parent because I get short tempered with them. I get stuck on this concept that I should be like I was about ten years ago when I was working at the daycare and pretty much able to cope with most of the challenges that came at me with the kids.

I get so angry that I am not that woman anymore. A part of me wants to cry and scream about how unfair it is. And then there is the part of me that angrily insists that wouldn't make a damn bit of a difference and there is no point to indulging in those kinds of things because they wouldn't contribute anything positive to the situation. Last night, I was real angry too. I was angry with everyone who has said that they didn't know 'how you do it' to everything that I've done thus far and am doing right now.

For me, there was never an option to just give up. It has always been something that I fought against. Because I am angry. I am so filled with rage that I could be incandescent. It's anger that pushes me forward just as much as it is passion. I'm angry with the injustice in the world. I'm angry with the cruelty that I see in it. I'm angry with the people who have hurt me and the ones who hurt the people I love. Oh, how I am furious with the ones who hurt the people I love. I am angry with the fact that I am disabled. I am angry with the fact that I can't do all the things that I would like to, even if disability wasn't a factor.

I get so angry that I feel like I am going to vomit. And then I pour it into pushing forward. I'm waging war on life and each time I am forced to take a tactical retreat, I get even more furious. People wonder where the darkness in my stories comes from. It comes from that rage that is bubbling beneath the surface. It comes from the dichotomy that I am forced into where I must always keep a calm and soothing, if not pleasant, facade for the world and this madness that drives me into a stammering, trembling mess just looking for a target to explode on.

I wish I could just put this down and be happy. Or at least not so livid. Right now, however, I am in no state for such things. It is just how this mixed episode is going. I knew that I was tending into a mixed episode when I went from being able to sleep through the night to waking up in the middle of the night and having a hard time falling asleep. I get like that as I move into and experience a hypomanic state. Why can my hypomania have me doing things like baking cookies? Why must it be anxiety, restlessness, and on the edge of fury?

Maybe it's somehow tied to my c-PTSD. I don't know. I don't claim to have the answers. And that's something else that makes me angry. Because not knowing what the fuck to do about this stuff aside from take pills and yammer at my therapist is making me upset because there has to be something I can do to make these symptoms easier to manage.

I don't know. I'm tired. My brain is just running full tilt. And I feel like I should be breaking shit right now. Totally not the right headspace for much of anything, unfortunately.

Garden disappointment.

It looks like we're finally past the danger of frost. I had hoped that I would be doing some gardening by now but this is not the case. It is not that the new landlord is averse to the idea. He thinks it is a pretty good one and that I am more then welcome to pursue it (as long as he doesn't have to put any money in on it). My disappointment rests in the fact that where I had planned to put in a flower bed was a great deal of poorly buried trash. In the midst of getting rid of all that trash, the potting soil I had put down there was thrown away as well.

A part of me wants to just throw in the towel on any sort of gardening this year. I think, however, that it is my illness talking. I am currently in the waning phase of a depressive episode and it has my view on the world skewed towards the negative. I have been getting short with the kids and being upset by small annoyances far more then I would if I was in a more reasonable state of mind. This has me on the whole feeling upset with myself and the world. It also has me making a negative forecast for the future. A thing which I am trying very hard not to do.

I tell myself that this too shall pass but it feels like empty words. It has been difficult this go on the depression merry-go-round but not as hard as it has been other times. I honestly think that the medication adjustment that was made back in February is still effective right now because I am not caught in a crushing sense of despair. I'm just cranky and ill humored right now. And I am getting less so as the time passes.

I have my second Filianic oriented book out now. It was kinda hard to get that one done. I am of mixed feelings about the final result. I know that it is a book that may prove useful to others who follow the Filianic faith. There is an utter dearth of books that look at the devotional aspects of this faith. While I know that Filianism does not have a large populace following it, I know that people who are drawn to it find themselves at a loss for what to do when they engage in worship.

I have a radio (webcast? radio? I honestly don't know what the best description for this is) interview coming up in a few weeks. I'll be discussing the book and providing some in depth information about Filianism based on the research and study that I have done over the last several years. I feel a little bit out of my depth right now but I am going to make a point of putting together a document that covers the history and current state of Filianism. I will be publishing it on my religion blog at about the same time as when the interview will be happening. I feel a little nervous about this but I know that my ability to put together a research paper is solid and I can just start from there on the rest.

I don't really know what more I should add right now. I haven't been feeling up for being social of late. I would have gone to the spinning guild's meeting today but the prospect of dealing with a large group of people made my stomach do flipflops. I did, however, make a point of working on spinning some of the dyed roving that is part of a guild wide project. I am approximately a quarter of the way through the bag. I haven't decided if I am going to ply this stuff on itself or with something else. I started out trying to use the kick spindle but I got very frustrated with it. So I went to my trusty top whorl drop spindle and did that whilst pacing the front walk as I minded the kids outside today.

I suppose that finishes off what I have to say for today. I'll try to post something else in the near future. I can't keep letting life get the best of me and keep me from posting on here.

Getting healthier.

After my appointment last week with my psychiatric care professional, I stopped in to see the nurse they have at the facility. It is something new that they are doing, where clients who are on medication have their blood pressure and other things monitored to keep an eye on how the medication is working. It doesn't cost me anything more and sounds like something that will actually be useful. Thus, I am participating in it.

The nurse was a lively fellow with an extensive history in the medical field and a delightfully sharp wit. I found him to be quite charming. I was told that it is impressive that my lungs are clear bilaterally and moving air well for someone with asthma. He was additionally pleased when I reported that I don't smoke (because Beloved would skin me for it, amongst other reasons) and that my alcohol intake was very low. My blood pressure was 120/80. I restrained the urge to laugh when he said wow before telling me the numbers.

Apparently, my systolic number is a bit high but still within the normal range. I mentioned that high cholesterol ran in my family and asked if that could be a contributing factor. He said that it was possible but some people just have higher numbers normally than others. My weight is still level around 185 lbs. I mentioned some frustration with how I've been doing in my efforts to get back down to my goal weight of 150 lbs. He suggested that I monitor my weight daily and keep a diary of what I eat and how much I exercise.

I explained that I was very uncomfortable with the daily weight monitoring because of my history with eating disorders. (I was borderline anorexic when I was younger) Thus I was recommended to do so twice a week. I'm still a bit uncomfortable with that thought but it is more reasonable then every day. He suggested that I engage in walking or swimming as my mode of exercise because it would be easier on my arthritic knees. His ideal was for me to get 20 min of walking in three times a week.

Now that the weather has improved, I think that will not be a problem. I think I am going to try for 20 min of walking every day, to be honest. The exercise helps my anxiety and quiets my mind. As much as I'd like to take up running (as many of my friends have done) I don't think my lungs would appreciate that.

I am trying to be more disciplined with my diet. For a little while there, I drifted away from my habit of eating vegetarian meals every day at breakfast, lunch, and an afternoon snack. My dinner has always included some sort of meat. I recognize that it's important that I get the nutrients in it and that vegetarian meals will not go over well with folks in my house. Sometimes I think about switching my diet to a fully vegetarian one and then I remember that I love a good stake as much as the next gal.

I am, however, dramatically cutting down how much soda I drink. I tried replacing it with tea and I had a moderate amount of success. At the suggestion of this nurse, I'm trying out replacing it with Crystal Light (or the generic equivalent of it). I've gone through one week doing this and I'm not completely repulsed by it. While it does have aspertame in it, the taste is nothing like diet soda. It's a little off but not enough so that I find it disgusting.

So, now I am attempting to find a flavor that I like. I have this strawberry version that I have been drinking. I thought I was going to enjoy it because I love strawberries. All I have accomplished thus far is reminding myself how much I dislike artificial strawberry flavoring. It doesn't completely repulse me but it is not pleasant unless I am very thirsty. And even then, I'm not drinking it for flavor but for the liquid intake.

I am limiting the amount of sugar in my diet. Last week, I had what I hope will be my final pint of ice cream/sorbet for a while. As much as I enjoy the stuff, I recognize that eating a pint every week (which is what I had been doing for a little while when the holidays were in swing) just is not good for me. I found myself looking for something sugary after dinner tonight. My solution was a 1/3 cup of M&Ms. It's a little over one serving but a lot less sugar then a half pint of gelato. (Yes, I am the woman who will eat a pint of ice cream when stressed out. I don't watch romantic comedies when I do it, though. So I'm not the stereotype.)

Spring Break, yay?

Today is day three of spring break (if we don't count the weekend as part of it). The weather yesterday and the day before was pretty rotten. It was unseasonably cold, wet, and it even snowed a little. As a result, the boys and I were indoors all day. I'll be honest, I prayed to the gods for better weather today. I didn't trust the weather report that it was going to be seasonable today. It had happened too many times over the last few months that they said it was going to be seasonable and then it turned out to be brutally cold.

We got outside today. I have started work on transforming this place of building debris into a circular flowerbed. I manhandled the four pots of tired soil over to the spot. Dumped the soil out and let the kids have at it. They got a good percentage of it broken up before they found a board and decided to build a bridge across two of the larger lumps of soil. I still have another pot of soil to move. This one is up on the back deck, so it will be a bit problematic. I hope, however, that I won't drop it. I did that with my sunny yellow plastic pot and split the thing in half. I was not pleased.

I am still at a loss for what to do about the boys behavior. Cuddle Bear has been defiant and acting out over the last few months. It is more of a problem at home than at school. This relieves me, at the same time, however, they are seeing an uptick in his defiance there as well. The hope is that this is just due to cabin fever. I am still dreading the remainder of the break because he is still somewhat prone to throwing tantrums/having a meltdown over being disciplined. And, because Cuddle Bear is acting out, Snuggle Bug is acting out. It made things difficult, to say the least.

In the midst of all this, Beloved and I have decided to alter how we have been disciplining the boys. We had been using corporal punishment (spanking) and time outs. Spanking being reserved for more severe offenses. Things have reached a point, however, that we are realizing that spanking just isn't helping the situation and if anything it is making it worse. And, honestly, it breaks our hearts when Cuddle Bear asks what will happen after he does something really bad (like break our new television, which thankfully he has not) and then fills in what he thinks is consequence will be: grabbing him and giving him a big spanking. When he started saying this over the last few weeks, Beloved and I both decided that we had to stop this.

So, now they are getting time out for bad behavior. And when the behavior gets especially bad, we take their favorite toys away until either when they are behaving better or bed time (which ever comes first). And we make them sit with us on the couch. As they sit, we talk to them about why they are in trouble and if they know why. We also talk about what they could do better and how not to get in trouble. It hasn't had any dramatic successes yet, but this is still fairly new.

The hard part is stopping myself from telling them that the consequence of their actions is going to be a spanking and stopping myself from handing them out. I have to check myself on a regular basis over the last few weeks. My therapist says that Beloved and I are doing something really huge and something that is to be commended. With the two of us having grown up in homes where corporal discipline was a big thing, stopping that pattern of behavior is very hard. I'm trying to stop yelling when I'm angry. I am having very little success with this.

Parent teacher conferences happened two weeks ago. The boys are making good progress academically and in their therapies. Cuddle Bear is at the point where they are going to recommend he no longer have a 1:1 aide. His strength is improving significantly and so are his social skills. The perseveration over garbage trucks is still present but he is beginning to make progress breaking out of that as well. So, it may be that we can get him the skill set to attend better to lessons and his academics, which will lead to him catching right up with his peers.

Snuggle Bug is, academically, right where the other kids are in his grade. He is doing really well with his therapies as well. The fact that he has gone from random scribbles to writing letters is fantastic. The added fact that he can read most of his sight words and spell a bunch of them is just icing on the cake. They are talking about taking him out of the special ed classroom and putting him into the main classroom. His difficulty attending to tasks and his tendency to wander off has them talking about giving him a 1:1 aide. It is my hope that we can make the same progress with him that we have made with his brother.

I had something of a breakthrough last week when I was out washing laundry. I was watching some children running around the laundromat and how they were interacting with their adult. And as I was watching it, I realized that I was looking at Snuggle Bug's daily behavior patterns. Everything down to the way they spoke reminded me of him. It really brought home the developmental delay that Snuggle Bug has and made me feel bad for expecting him to operate at a higher level. It's only served to frustrate the two of us and leave me feeling like a failure. So, I am trying to approach things on that lower level but it has been very difficult.

I was on the fence about doing something for Ostara with the boys. I have been struggling with a good deal of anxiety that I am going to talk about on my other witchy blog. Then an answer to what I was struggling with fell into my lap. Now I'm trying to figure out what I am going to do for them. I don't have time or the finances to do anything extravagant. Only Snuggle Bug likes eggs, so dying a dozen of them wouldn't really work out that well. Also, we have a yard that is devoid of any greenery (lots of mud though) so we have no where to hide eggs either. I think, however, I am going to make them some kind of little basket and put treats into the plastic eggs that I have from last year. Then I'll put them at their spots at the kitchen table or something.

One thing that I wish I had the funds for was to get the boys a t-ball set and a baseball glove for each. I don't know if I can find that at the dollar store or not. If I can, then I'm going to grab it. I'll pull out of my savings jar to do it. Because the therapists have told me that it would be really great for their strengthening and coordination. Ah well, at least we got the bikes out for a while today. But, that is where everything stands right now.

It is my job.

Over on XOjane, this article that boils being a stay at home mom issue down to either being a 'job' or a 'hobby' came to my attention. I read the article. I tried to empathize with the author and see things from her perspective. Honestly, I really did. I came away from it, however, disgusted and insulted. I know she says that she's not trying to insult people but that is exactly what she continues on to do.

It's like the people who start off with a disclaimer 'I'm not racist but...' and then proceed to disgorge racist ideology with out even realizing that is exactly what they're doing. I sincerely believe that the author didn't intent to be insulting but I also think she doesn't realize how deeply she has internalized this attitude that runs through our culture that decries being a stay at home parent as something that lazy parents do. (Yes, I just said that. Think about it, what is the sterotype? Stay at home mom is sitting on the couch, watching soap operas and eating candy, is probably one of the first ones that come up. There is a laundry list of more attitudes like this out there. Scratch the surface and you'll find 'em everywhere.)

As a stay at home mom who is on the internet, I find myself facing two different extremes. One extreme is the Pinterest mommy brigade (expression shamelessly stolen from my friend Sarah, she's brilliant like that!) who appear to have everything perfect in their lives. They have pictures of their spotless homes, clean and always happy children, and the piles of wonderful at home crafts they do (which are 99.9% trendy and kitchy at the same time). They look like the over achievers who seem to never have a bad hairday, always have enough money to spend, and just don't seem to ever have anything difficult in their lives. At the other end of the extreme are the martyrs. These are the moms who complained from day one of their pregnancy about how hard it was, regale you with horror stories about how terribly behaved their children are, bewail the drudgery of housework, and frequently verbally eviscerate their significant other for what they describe as inattentiveness and under appreciation.

Let me tell you something I have learned over the last seven and a half years. These two extreme images are lies. If you buy into the Pinterest mommy brigade image, you will always find yourself some how inferior to them because your life is never the spotless, perfect thing that these people present. Hang your hat with the martyrs and your view of your experience as a parent will focus upon all the hard and negative parts. In either case, you are not seeing what is truly there. Unfortunately, the author of the article over at XOjane has been surrounded by the martyrs and is caught in this idea that it is the way all mothers around her view their experience.

I feel bad for the author. I sincerely hope that she finds herself surrounded with more positive and realistic associates. I think the author does point out something important, which is making oneself into a martyr and continually griping about the hard things of parenting makes you insufferable to be around. This is why I tend not to discuss the difficulties of raising my two boys and managing the domestic details of my family's life. I don't want to alienate my readers or make people think that parenting is nothing but misery. I also don't talk much about the good times either, though, because I don't want to paint this false image that things are perfect in my house. At the time I am writing this, I have a living room that looks like a train set exploded in it, dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, and several bags of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. We won't talk about when the last time the bathroom got scrubbed was. Let's just say it was in this year and leave it there. And right now, my eldest is making good progress learning how to do double digit addition and subtraction. He's progressed from drawing very abstract garbage trucks to drawing very abstract tanker trucks as well. And my youngest has been sweet as pie today, except for when he tossed a shovel full of snow on me.

What does this summary tell you? That I am human and that my home is just like yours. We have our good days and our bad days. It a bit different in my house then the houses of other people because I'm disabled and my sons are not neurotypical, but we make it work.

I took umbrage with the author's argument that being a stay at home parent is not a job because it buys into this assumption that the only legitimate job out there is the one you get a paycheck for. It diminishes parenthood (not just being a stay at home parent, but parenthood in general) to something you can do once a week for fun and not really suffer consequences for not doing it. Hobbies are not foundational to the development of lives and society. They grease the proverbial wheels. They serve to make life enjoyable but they are not ultimately the work we engage in on a daily basis.

Parenthood really is a very hard job to do. Sit down and list out all the things you do in one day, with out letting on that you are a stay at home parent, and people will think that you are engaged in something that gets you significant pay because you are doing stuff that other people get paid good money to do. And you're not doing it in just one arena, but in many. Childcare alone is a profession that is very expensive and the people who are worth their salt (and fairly paid) make a goodly deal providing that service. The minute you slap on there the fact that you are a stay at home parent, everything gets diminished to this idea that you're doing this stuff in your spare time and spending more of your time screwing around and playing with your kids.

The argument that parenting is a hobby further serves to entrench this idea to the detriment of all stay at home parents. (Stay at home dads really get the short end of the stick because they are magically emasculated in the eyes of society for doing it. Here's my shout out to my brothers in arms and I salute you with my huge cup of coffee with a splash of Jameson in it.) If you want to resolve the idea that being a stay at home parent isn't pure drudgery, then go out there and present a real picture of what it is like. Make it known what you are grateful for and what you appreciate it. Counter the whiners with questions like "So, how are you proud of your kids today? What worked out really well for you this week?" and deliberately change the focus of the conversation to be a balanced one.

With the Pinterest mommy brigade, use the same wisdom that you should be using on sites like Facebook. Don't compare your daily actions with someone else's highlight reel. The mom with the perfect hair and exceptional manicure has days where she is on the verge of tears looking at a sink full of dishes and feeling like she's failing. We all do. She just doesn't share them because she's chosen to present the best of her experience to the world. Rather the getting consumed with envy for those stay at home parents who seem to have everything running so smoothly, why don't you ask them for ideas? Network with them and learn from them the secret to managing to have perfect hair just about every day and what works to get baby poop out of that white rug in your living room.

The biggest challenge that parents face after the work of parenting is the efforts of society to make us compete with each other. We are not in a race. We are not in competition. When the day is done, we are all on our own paths moving at our own pace and dealing with the unique situation that makes up our family lives. Reject that societal push to divide parents. (And I am including the division in domestic versus working parents within the family too.) We should reach out to each other and be supportive. We should celebrate our victories, support each other in our difficulties, and brainstorm solutions to the challenges that come up before us. We are a community and we should damn well start acting like it.

Being a stay at home mom is my job. I don't get a paycheck but it doesn't make it any less work. If you think it is a mere hobby, then you have the wrong perspective. This isn't something you do a few times a week for fun or something that if it is cut out of your life won't dramatically alter it. Being a parent is your life. It is bigger then a mere job and no less vital then the people who work in lifesaving professions everyday.

Let's stop trying to one-up each other and start being decent to each other. Maybe then we can actually change the way we are viewed.

Housekeeping with blogs.

I finally got a new book review up on my Reading List over on Livejournal. I also have new material up on the world building blog. I'm about to go make pizza for dinner (because that's what is always for dinner on Friday). I have been making progress getting stuff written in my blogs over the last few weeks. I wish that I could get started with my writing earlier in the day. It's hard to do stuff while the kids are home and distracting me. It reminds me why I work on books during the school year.

My first doily!

I used a size I crochet hook and sport weight yarn for this project. The finished diameter of it is approximately 10 inches.

1: Chain 6 stitches and slip stitch into the first stitch.

2. Chain 4 stitches and then do 1 double crochet in to the ring. *Chain 1, double crochet* repeat * 11 times slip stitch final chain into the 3rd stitch of the first 4 stitches. (It should look like a spoked wheel with 12 spokes and a space between each spoke.)

2. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet into space at base of the chain. *Chain 1. 2 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of beginning of round.

3. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet twice into space at base of chain. * Chain 1. 3 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of beginning of round.

4. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet twice into into space at base of chain. *Chain 2. 3 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of the beginning of round.

5. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet 3 time into space at base of chain. *Chain 1. 4 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of the beginning of round.

6. Slip stitch to first space. *Chain 1. Single crochet into space. Chain 1. Single crochet into first stitch of cluster. Chain four. Single crochet into fourth stitch of cluster.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into first chain of round.

7. Slip stitch to first chain of the first chain 4 section. Chain one. Half double crochet into space. Double crochet into space. Treble crochet into space. Double crochet into space. Half double crochet into space. Single crochet into space. *Chain two. Single crochet into chain 1 space. Chain two. Single crochet into chain 4 space. Half double crochet into 4 chain space. Double crochet into space. Treble crochet into space. Double crochet into space. Half double crochet into space. Single crochet into space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch into first chain of the round.

8. Slip stitch to first treble crochet stitch. Chain 5. Treble crochet into single crochet after the first 2 chain section. Chain 5. *Slip stitch into treble crochet of next cluster. Chain 5. Treble crochet into single crochet between clusters. Chain 5.* repeat * 11 times. (There should be 24 loops about the edge of the doily.)

9. Chain 1. 2 half double crochet into the first chain 5 space. 1 double crochet into the space. 1 triple crochet into the space. 1 double crochet into the space. 2 half double crochet into space. 1 single crochet. (7 stitches into the chain space, counting first chain as 1 single crochet.) *single crochet into top of treble crochet. Single crochet into chain 5 space. 2 half double crochet into chain 5 space. 1 double crochet into the space. 1 triple crochet into space. 1 double crochet into the space. 2 half double crochet into space. 1 single crochet. single crochet into treble crochet of next cluster. single crochet into chain 5 space. 2 half double crochet into chain 5 space. 1 double crochet into space. 1 triple crochet into space. 1 double crochet into space. 2 half double crochet into space. 1 single crochet into space.* repeat around edge. (There will be 24 clusters when finished, on on each loop.)

Break yarn and weave in ends. Block lightly and enjoy. This pattern is for free use. Please note that it is from me with a link back.

This afternoon.

Pictured to the right is my project for the afternoon. That dark colored skein on the niddy-noddy is the Icelandic sheep yarn that I was talking about last post. On the spindle is the Border Leicester that I mentioned. I am considering plying this on itself. I'm not fully decided yet.

Before the spindle is the next one I'm sampling. It is Teeswater, if I recall correctly. It washed up really well. I'm going to card it and see if I can get it to spin up well on the turkish spindle.

Aside from this, I have been knitting a shawl. I don't have any pictures yet, but I'm about half finished with the section I'm working on. After that I have the border to do and it will be finished.

Spinning Notes: Icelandic Sheep

Last month, I washed, carded, and spun up 4 ounces of black Icelandic sheep fiber. I don't think carding it was the best decision. The fiber came out a bit snarled which made for an uneaven single. I thought the fiber was completely black when I got it. Upon washing, I discovered that it had grey in it as well. I was hoping for a completely black single but the grey added some pleasant contrast in the single. The fiber took four washings to get completely clean. There were some second cuts in it, but not enough that I lost much fiber.

I spun it on my new turkish spindle and plyed it with my cd spindle. I think I am in love with the turkish spindle. It worked out really well. I was able to get the whole 4 ounces onto it with out running out of space. I was a little concerned as it has smaller arms then I was hoping to find. I think as I get better with wrapping the singles on to the spindle, I will have less difficulty with that. I spun the Icelandic sheep fiber with a z twist. The single ranged from light fingering weight to a heavier fingering weight because of the slubs that developed in it. I plyed it with an s twist with some size 10 cotton crochet thread. It is white and makes a nice little barber pole effect with the dark single. I think it's pretty pleasant, to be honest.

I haven't set the twist into the yarn yet. I will be doing that today. I will post pictures of the skein when it is dry.

Spinning notes: Border Leicester

I have 4 ounces of border leicester wool that I spun up yesterday on my Ashfort student spindle. I spun it with a z twist. The weight of the single is between laceweight and fingering. I will be plying it with some number 10 crochet cotton. It washed up really well with a bit of dishsoap in the water. The raw fleece wasn't all that smelly. It had a good amount of lanolin in it. My hands came away a bit softer after the business of washing the fleece was over.

It started out a very yellowed color. Upon two washings, it took on a nice bright white. There was a bit of sheen to the fiber that I thought was pleasant. I carded it with my handcards. I was delighted to find that it carded relatively easily. I thought it was going to be a bit of a problem because it is a longwool breed but I was wrong.

I did find that the single has a little bit of halo to it. I don't know how much of a halo it will have after plying and the twist being set. I do believe I over twisted it, though, which makes the single a bit more coarse in texture then I had wanted it to be. The next time I spin this fiber, I think I will try it out on the wheel that my MIL gave me for yule. The long staple length should lend itself well to the long draw that I have to use with it. I used a short draw technique for spinning on the spindle. That may have contributed to the over twisting of the yarn. I will post a picture of it after it has been plyed and set.

I'm not sure what I am going to do with this sample. Maybe I will use it to knit something. I will, however, be saving it.

I should buy earplugs.

As of the present moment, my eldest is having a melt down. He's been screaming and sassy since he got home from school. I don't know why he is acting this way. It's been a few weeks now that he's been having bad behavior. It is worse on school days. I was just going to ignore his being obstinate but Cuddle Bear just keeps acting up more.

He right now is perseverating on what will happen if he misbehaves and being sassy. 45 min later, I was able to get back to this. He's much calmer now. I don't know what to do about this business of my boys being so difficult. This morning, I lost my temper with Snuggle Bug when he was fighting me about getting ready to go to school. I strained my wrist a bit picking him up off the floor when he threw himself down as he was screaming. I had some difficulty keeping them from wandering off as we were waiting for the bus.

I don't know what has come over them. Over the last month or so, they have been sassy and having meltdowns. I can't seem to figure out why they're doing it. There hasn't been any changes to their routines. They haven't been having problems with sleep or had any changes to their diet. (Because some people theorize that artificial dyes and flavoring agents cause behavioral difficulties in autistic children.)

My youngest has been getting fixated on watching television. We've limited the videos to only during the hour before dinner. Still, he's been awful tempermental over the whole issue. We have had a lot of fussing and temper tantrums over the videos that we watch. It seems to have gotten worse. This really has me thinking about limiting their video time to only on the weekends.

I didn't really want to get a television but the in-laws gave us one for yule. At first, it seemed to be helpful. The boys were behaving really well and not messing with it. When the novelty wore off, they have been trying to poke at it and generally mess with it. I won't get into the way they try to mess with the PS2. Let's just say I have to hide the controller so they don't possibly break the thing and we flip the switch at the back to kill all power to it so they don't play with it.

I don't know what to do about this mess. I feel very frustrated and like I'm somehow doing something wrong. I just want to have things going a little more smoothly here. It seems like no matter what I do, they just get more prone to tantrums and stuff over the last little while. It is very discouraging.

I know that their autism makes things challenging. I try to not get irritated when they get 'stuck' on topics. I try to stay calm when they have meltdowns and not take their misbehavior personally. I know some of it is normal kid stuff. But this is hard and I just can't seem to find a way to work with it.

Fimbul winter, is that you?

Well, we're under a winter storm warning until 6pm today. This makes week four of snowstorms. We have a fair amount of snow on the ground from the last two storms. I think we're up to a few feet. It's not quite to my knee but we're also not right in the lake effect area. My sister-in-law over in Attica has snow that's almost as tall as her youngest child. That's almost elbow deep snow.

Now, the problem isn't snow fall, unlike the folks downstate who are going to get the brunt of this storm. Nope, we have to be concerned about windchill. It's about 2pm right now and the temperatures are hovering around -5 deg Fahrenheit (-20 C). Tonight, I'm pretty sure that we're going to see temperatures below -15 deg F. I'm glad that putting up the curtain across the back door is keeping some of the cold out. We've a gap around the door that is large enough you can see daylight through it.

I have the blinds closed to keep some of the chill out of the main living area of the apartment. Still, I am awfully chilly right now. I'm sitting here at the desk with my warm slippers on over my thick socks, a blanket in my lap, and a sweater on. I'm half tempted to go get my cotton gloves (the white ones for keeping moisturizer on my hands instead of the pillows) and put them on so that my fingers aren't so chilly. I am not going to go out and do laundry at the laundromat today. It is just so cold that I think sitting at the laundromat before those big windows would be painfully cold for me, even with my wool coat on.

I am a bit stalled on my manuscript. My deadline is the 19th and I have about 60 pages to write. I have hit something of a block right now and the kids have been distracting me. With the boys being on break from school this week, I don't think I'm going to have enough mental focus to get this thing done by then. I'm kinda upset with that. I really wanted to get it done before Moura, and it seriously looks like that won't be the case. I am a bit nervous about this manuscript. I worry that it is going to come off as my attempt to peddle my own ideas and push some measure of politics onto the reader. This is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do.

I think this is just the jitters that come with getting towards the end of this thing and getting ready to send it off to beta readers before publication. I think I'm going to quaff my hot chocolate and put on some music that is inspiring. Then I'm going to do my best to get a few more pages written. I may not be able to finish this by the 19th but I can get as close to done as I can manage. I just need to keep trying. After all, editing is where things really get polished and take shape.

Making progress slowly but surely.

Behold my workspace. Missing from this picture is my mug of instant chai that has been fueling my writing this afternoon. I am just about at what I needed my word count to be by today. I will be pushing to get another 10 pages done by the time I head to bed for the evening. That will take the pressure off of tomorrow.

Tomorrow is probably going to be a bad day for writing. The kids are home from school because of a teacher's planning day. I'd be taking them outside to run around in the snow tomorrow but the weather report is calling for bitter temperatures.

If nothing else, tomorrow may work to rest my right wrist a bit. I think I strained it a bit when I was writing things out longhand on Tuesday. Hence my compression gloves and my wrist support band. Though, a part of me laughs at the idea of my taking a break from doing stuff that uses my hands because I have a shawl I'm knitting, a scarf I'm knitting, and I want to get started on some stuff for charity. I think as I get more work in, my wrist will loosen up. That, at least, is my hope.

Long Day is Long.

I have been running like a madwoman for the last few days. It seems like Saturday and today blended into one. For one thing, the dishes seem to have been perpetual. Even with Beloved jumping in for a round, they're still not done. I am so annoyed with this. The kids have been picking up toys almost as much as they have been complaining about it. (That is to say it has been happening a lot.) I think, however, this place is clean enough that tomorrow I may actually be able to bust out the vacuum cleaner and get the floors kinda straightened up.

I am almost finished with the right front section of the Lady of the Forest shawl that I've been knitting since August. (I knit kinda slow, alright? I'm trying to get faster. And, in my defense, I was working on a ton of Yule gifts at the same time.) I casted on for a scarf to give Beloved for Yule this year. It's going to be out of the same yarn as his fingerless gloves. This will sort of match the hat that I made him last year too. I'm not going to make the mistake that I did with the last scarf I knit and just keep adding sections until I get bored. This thing will be no longer then 4 ft. I am not going to give him a Dr. Who scarf for Yule.

I have started the process of planning what I'm making people for Yule this year. In addition to his scarf, I'm going to be making him a sweater. I found the pattern in one of my magazines for a sleeveless sweater. Apparently the original pattern dates back to WWI era. I may have to make some adjustments but I am pretty sure that I won't have any trouble with that. I am seriously considering making smaller versions of it for the boys as well. Because a sweater that I don't have to make sleeves is pretty awesome.

I think I'm finally starting to come out of the lastest depressive episode. Over the last few hours, I have been feeling more like myself. Hopefully this means that I will wake up and have enough energy to get the last of those dishes done after I put the boys on the bus to school. I am slowly making progress on that manuscript I'm working on. I still don't have a title for it yet. I'm somewhat annoyed with that but I think it will resolve itself soon.

Stupid Meatsuit.

A friend of mine who is also disabled refers to her body as her meatsuit. Honestly, I didn't think much about the expression until I started feeling rotten. Then I found myself using it. Today, I want to trade my meatsuit in for a model that doesn't have bruised ribs, crippling anxiety, and depression.

I'm upset that this time last week I was relatively ok. Then I started having problems with my temper, which happens when I go into a mixed episode. Then I became indifferent to the whole world. I figured this meant that the 'fun' was over. My mixed episode lasted from Friday night to Monday morning. It was pretty much par for the course. Monday to Tuesday evening, I was pretty much apathetic. I wasn't depressed, just indifferent to everything. Again, I didn't think much of it. I haven't been sleeping well because I'm still recovering from having bruised ribs (which feels like it is taking FOREVER to heal) and when I don't sleep well I'm pretty apathetic towards the world.

Then Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling a little depressed. My mood just got worse as the day wore on. I was torn between the urge to go hide from everything, curl up in bed and sleep all day, and fury that this was happening again. The depression comes in waves. When I'm not feeling really depressed, I'm irritable and angry with the whole damn situation. I feel terrible about this.

I wanted to go out and do stuff this week. I have a huge bag of soda bottles that I wanted to take to the bottle redemption center up the road. I wanted to get the grocery shopping done today so that I didn't have to worry about it Saturday. And get all the sheets in the house to the laundromat and washed before the weekend hit. Now it is Thursday and I have none of those things. I still have bags of clean laundry sitting around the apartment from when I did laundry on Sunday, waiting to be folded and put away.

The only reason why this place isn't a complete disaster is because every night I have been having the kids pick up their toys before they go to bed. My issues are telling me that I'm a failure as a wife and mother. I can't seem to get enough rest when I try to sleep at night. I feel sore and uncomfortable because of my ribs and when I look in the mirror I feel like I'm fat and ugly, but in too much discomfort to really do anything about it. Because exercising with bruised ribs isn't such a good idea. I just feel rotten and like everything I do is wrong. And wondering what the point to taking these medications are.

That is when I have to remind myself that I'm on the antipsychotics so I don't start hearing voices telling me to do horrible things. And that the antidepressants are keeping the depression from being worse then the damn thing is right now. I just want my life back and I want to be able to have stuff not feel like it sucks so often. But I guess that is like wanting to own a piece of the moon.  Just not going to happen unless something huge happens. Which is depressing all by itself.

Cardinals in the Snow.

Right now, there are three cardinals pecking bird seed out of the snow. The sight of them warmed my heart. I'm not sure if the landlord or the town is responsible for the clearing out of the trees behind the house, but it was something that had me upset. They're just about done now and I honestly thought we were done seeing songbirds. The trio of cardinals gives me hope that I will see more birds over the next coming months.

Perhaps if the weather wasn't so awfully cold, the birds would be at the feeder more. Today, we have started the day out at 4 deg F^o and a bit of wind. The kids didn't notice it much because of how bundled up they are. Cuddle Bear's new snowpants are a bit large on him but I've discovered you can use a belt to cinch them down a bit to fit better. I am pleased with this development. Until I made this discovery this morning, I was attempting to use safety pins for this purpose. That was not working out well at all.

The neighbors at the bus stop today were remarking on how bitter the weather has been. We all agree that the wind chill is worse for the lack of the trees in back. I hope that my heating bills won't go up but I fear that they will because of that wind. I suppose one good thing to come out of this is that the back deck will have more sunlight. This means I can grow more things there. I'm not entirely thrilled with the lack of privacy that I had before.

It was something nice to be able to go outside and enjoy the day with the trees screening me from the neighbors across the way. With them gone now, you can see all the way over to Big Tree Road and the lakeside. Being situated at the north end of Conesus Lake, we get a stiff breeze off of it most of the time, most days. I suppose we'll be able to see the fireworks from the Ring of Fire next summer. The kids may enjoy that. But I'm still inclined to grumble and be upset about the loss of the trees.

All I could think as I was unfortunately forced to listen to the noise of them cutting down the trees was of how they were destroying that little ecosystem and the poor, defenseless trees. I have a fondness for trees and it always upsets me when people cut them down. This is why I prefer live yule trees. I'm thinking about growing a dwarf tree in a large pot on the back deck to sort of make up for (in some tiny, insignificant way) the loss of the other trees in back.

MLK Day, No school.

We were going to go visit my sister-in-law today but Snuggle Bug was talking about how his stomach was bothering him. The last time he was talking about his stomach bothering him first thing in the morning, he got sick to his stomach within the first hour of being up. To say the least, I didn't want to risk that so we've stayed home. Now, we're approaching lunch time and he seems to be fine. I am a wee bit annoyed with how that worked out. Ah well, that is how life goes sometimes, I suppose.

They're still ripping out trees behind the building. They have moved to behind the abandoned house next door. I am beginning to suspect that they will be ripping out all of them up to the property line of the houses on the next road over. That makes me sad. I've a fondness for trees and wooded places. They were places of great comfort to me when I was going through some troubles in my youth. I also find it to be harmful to the environment and that distresses me as well.

The side effect of the tree cutting going on is that I hear the noise of it every day and we have more of a breeze blowing off of the lake. I also have noted the absence of the birds. My feeders are half full and have been that way since they started work out back. I fear that this is setting the tone for the year. I'm going to miss those birds.

Progress, even if it kills me.

Today I did a massive amount of writing in my therapy journal. I think that I made a few breakthroughs. I also think that I wore down a quarter of an inch of pencil this morning doing so.

I am slowly managing to wrap my head around the idea that my great aunt Jackie is dead. Her funeral was yesterday. I spent a good portion of the day feeling guilty that I couldn't be there and that there really was nothing I could do to be of comfort to anyone. My Mom is really busted up over this, as aunt Jackie was her favorite aunt. My poor cousin Eddie is stuck out in Washington (I think he's in Portland but I'm not sure.) and he wasn't able to come to pay his final respects to his mother.

It is really difficult for me to come to grips with the idea that I am allowed a life separate from my birth family. I'm working on it with my therapist but today, I didn't realize how much it bothers me when my life conflicts with the idea of filial duty. I have a feeling that my next session with my therapist is going to be a rough one. But, if a rough therapy session gets me through this period where I feel like I'm a bad person or otherwise inadequate, then I suppose it is worth it.

My ribs are still bothering me but I'm at a point now that I'm not taking Tylenol with the Aleve. I've been careful not to do much bending and stretching. I have also made a point of not picking up something heavy and remembering to do my deep breathing at least once an hour. I'm pleased that the deep breaths are not making me cough like mad. I think this means that I'm finally over the bronchitis. Now I just need to get my ribs to heal up and I'll be ready to get going full throttle on this exercise thing.

Since we have a television now and I have an exercise DVD that is a 15 minute in home work out session, I figure I could start doing this every day after the kids go to school. Make a habit out of it and I will be getting a little exercise while the weather is poor and I can't go out and do my walking. I have been having some twinges of discomfort with my back over the last few days. I think that is because of the wonky weather patterns.

When ever the weather has a major shift, my back throbs where I had the epidurals done when I had my c-section to deliver the boys. Today, it has been really uncomfortable. But, according to the weather channel, it is supposed to be near 40 deg F Saturday, which is probably why my back is bothering me. I'm just glad that it wasn't 11 deg below 0 F this morning, unlike yesterday. The neighbor's kid had a screaming melt down because she had to wait for the bus out in the weather. My kids, however, were excitedly turning the pile of snow that was left by the plow into a slide.

Echo test: Echo.. echo.. echo...

It's been a rough week on the writing front. I have gotten a lot of work in on my newest project. I'm working on a companion book to Rose Petals. It will be a day book of sorts that takes one through the Filianic calendar year. I have my outline written up to the latter portion of Winter. I am torn between being pleased with how much I have gotten done over the last week on this and a powerful sense of concern.

One may ask, why am I concerned? I have been keeping a blog on religious stuff for about three years, with the focus on how I practice the blended path of Filianism/witchcraft/heathenry. I don't post as much as I would like to but I'm working on improving that. At the same time, I am struggling with the sense that I am writing for an empty room. It is really disheartening to work so hard on a post and have it met with resounding silence.

Honestly, even if I was encountering criticism, I think I'd be pleased because I had discovered someone who were inspired to respond to me in some fashion. In my reading about how blogs make money, it seems that I have hit a fairly common point. Where other bloggers have given up, I intend to keep going. It is my hope that my blog builds readership but at the moment I have a hard time believing it will.

I suppose it doesn't help matters much that I am feeling a bit worn out and depressed. My ribs have been bothering me terribly for the last few weeks. I think that my bout of mild bronchitis bruised my ribs. I've been taking Aleve and resting. This, however, has me struggling with the feeling that I am a useless lump. (I don't know about anyone else, but when I get sick or am otherwise unwell, I feel like I need to do ALL THE THINGS and do them RIGHT NOW! And the fact that I can't rankles me powerfully.)

A part of me gets angry and bitter with the fact that I am engaged in work that I have been taught is better suited as a hobby rather then a vocation. I find myself repeating to myself all of the hurtful things that I had spat at me when I was younger ranging from the idea that I am wasting resources with my writing (cue pangs of guilt for every scrap of paper I throw away) to the thought that what I write is too 'out there' for it to be marketable. I am working with my therapist to get out of that mental trap, but damn is it hard.

Some of that anger is directed at myself for two reasons. One is the idea that I am some how doing something morally wrong by pursuing my dreams of being a professional author. The other is the towering anger that I feel at the former concept. My therapist says that I am making progress in the fact that I get angry over the first concept. I'm honestly sick and tired of feeling like what I am doing is wrong somehow, that I am being selfish to chase this dream, and that my work is wasted effort. I try not to think about it but at the end of the day, it is the specter standing at the foot of my bed.

It is hard for me to post this. A part of me says I should delete this entry and consign this to the rubbish heap of failed effort. I am actively working to resist the urgings of that part of me because that is the same place that the directive to surrender my dreams comes from. It is the same place where the urge to just give up on life comes from and where all of my negative thinking finds safe harbor. Some day, I may stumble and give up that hope which pushes me forward. Some day, I may lie down and let life pass me by. Today, however, will not be that day.

Thus it stands that I feel that I am screaming into an empty room. If I only am answered by my echo, so be it. I will simply scream louder for the sake of catharsis and making that echo turn into a roar rather then a whisper.

Repost from Facebook

As I said elsewhere tonight:

today is a strange day for freedom of speech. in France, there was a terrorist incident that resulted in the deaths of several people and the injury of more. and then there is this yahoo Kirby Delauter, in saying his name i add myself to the list of mythical offenders to his 'good name', and the way he has been verbally slapped down for his nonsense. (look him up if you want to see that trainwreck, some of the responses are glorious.)

as an author and a person with a liberal education (if you jump to conclusions about my politics based on that statement, kindly exit stage left), i cherish freedom of speech and find it vital to the proper functioning of our republic here in the USA. it pains me to see people attempting to curtail it by violence or censorship. you may say something that disgusts and offends me, but i will defend your right to say it to my last breath. because *somebody* needs to keep their principles.

as The Good Reverend Roger said (or whatever moniker he's using today): or kill me.

Tarot reading jitters.

I'm logged in over at Keen. I'm on line to do readings via the chat client there. I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit right now for doing readings over the phone. Honestly, I am a bit nervous because it has been almost half a year since I was last logged in at Keen.

I am doing my best not to let my nerves scare me off from doing readings but it is a bit hard. I just had a quick chat session with someone and I don't think I did very well. Still, I'm going to keep this going until the kids get home from school. Then I am going to switch off from being logged in for readings via the chat client to being logged in by phone for a few hours in between doing some housework. My goal is to stay available for readings while the kids are at school.

The last several days have been somewhat rough around my house. We caught that awful flu that has been going around the neighborhood. It started Christmas with Cuddle Bear coming down with it. All the poor kid wanted to do was sleep once the afternoon hit. We figured he was just tired from spending the day running from my side of the family to Beloved's parent's house. The next day, he was just as exhausted and didn't have much interest in playing with his new toys.

Then the coughing started. Goodness did that little boy have an awful cough. By the time he was starting to feel better, I came down with it. New Year's Eve was spent sick in bed, again. Fortunately, Beloved managed only to get the sniffles from this horrendous bug and he was able to manage the kids over the last four days. I was not doing well and for a little while I was worried that it may have been turning into bronchitis.

Thankfully, I am doing much better and the kids are just about fully recovered. We've got a bit of a lingering cough, but it is nothing like what it was a few days ago. I would be doing readings by phone but I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit while on the line. I slept most of this morning because I was still pretty exhausted but now I'm feeling pretty well.

I've been spending my afternoon trying to get things set up to make a little money with my writing and listening to music from my youth. As silly as it may sound, I've been enjoying listening to stuff like Genesis and Bananarama. I have also revisited my affection for Peter Gabriel. A lot of this music was big when I was in my early years but it has been pleasant to listen to anyways.

Saturday Check In Week # 1

In the hopes of posting more frequently and consistently on here, I'm going to make a point of posting something every Saturday. It's probably going to be a recap of how the week went and with how my life goes, I'll probably be hit or miss about it. Still, I'm going to give it a shot.

We've all been sick with this horrendous bug. I spent most of yesterday and today in bed when I wasn't coughing to the point where I honestly wondered if I needed my inhaler. The kids seem to be mostly recovered from it except for a lingering cough. Beloved has had the sniffles and a headache. He has been taking care of the rest of us for the last few days. Namely, minding the kids while I have been a zombie.

I have set up a new spreadsheet to track how we spend money right now. I'm not terribly pleased with how things went last year. I feel that we spent more money then we needed to and if we get a better handle on things like how much we spend on our groceries, then perhaps we can rebuild our savings a little bit. Not in our favor is the fact that we don't have health insurance for this month.

I started out feeling pretty good about the 'Obamacare' health insurance because we could actually afford my medication. Then some things went wonky over the course of the last month and we suddenly went from having no premium to having an $850 premium over night. Frantic phone calls and my narrowly avoiding an anxiety attack resulted in us having health insurance starting next month for $50 a month. We still have to find away to cover the cost of my medications for this month but I think the GoodRX site will help a great deal with that.

I have had some problems with feeling anxious when I was awake today. I think part of this is because my nerves are a bit shot after all of that frantic last minute wrangling and part of it is I'm worried that this awful cough is developing into bronchitis. I've told Beloved that if I haven't improved by this time next week, I will schedule an appointment with the doctor. It is my hope that I will be on the other side of this bug come next Saturday. Partly because I have a social engagement that I want to attend and mostly because I really don't want to have to go see the doctor.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. If I am feeling well enough, I will probably be working on taking down the tree. I have a feeling that the ornaments that Beloved's sister gave us may prove too many for my box. I hope that isn't the case but I'm eying them with some suspicion. Every year, she gives us some and my box is getting very full. I am running out of places to put them. I don't think she is going to be happy next year when I tell her not to give us any ornaments.

Happy New Year!

Congratulations, world, you made it through another year. Happy New Year!

It's been busy around my place for the last few weeks. I wound up making Christmas presents up until when I went to bed on Christmas eve. We went to the celebration with my side of the family first and then to the in-law's house. At first, it was not looking like we'd be able to go out visiting people because Snuggle Bug was sick last Monday. He recovered, however, and we went off visiting. Somewhere in the course of the day Christmas day, however, Cuddle Bear started not feeling well.

Since then, we've all had a nasty cough and the boys have been really tired. They have been playing with their new LeapPad Ultras from their paternal grandparents or watching videos on the new television. We don't have the television set up to get channels, only to play videos off the playstation. (It's an older model playstation too. A PS2, to be specific.) We're treating the screen time like we were approaching computer time.

The kids earn a half hour each after a good day's behavior during the week. On the week ends, they get a bit more screen time, because it's good to let one's hair down and relax on the weekend.

We gave them a new train set but it's a bit wonky. I had some difficulty with it as I was attempting to set up whilst in a mixed episode-hypomanic. I'm going to try again a bit later today. For some reason, the engine keeps skipping off of the track. I am going to fiddle with it to see if we can keep it on this time.

My big excitement right now is the Mother Marion kick wheel that Beloved's mother gave me. It is working out really well for me right now while I can't do stuff like the 'core spinning' techniques with it yet, I am impressed with how even the thread I'm spinning has become now. It was pretty good with a drop spindle, now it's really good. My test is to see if my production is faster with this thing now then it was with a drop spindle.

Oh, and I am happy to report that the fingerless gloves I made for Beloved actually did fit him properly. My worry was unnecessary.

Working towards Yule.

Last night, I finished the last of my yarn based gifts. Now, I just have projects for myself to finish. Aside from that, I'm now at the point where I need to begin my baking. I have pre-made cookie dough sitting in the fridge right now. I just have been too lazy to bake them yet. A part of me says that if I bake them closer to Yule then the likelihood of stale cookies will be lower. More of me just doesn't want to go through the effort of baking right now.

I have been feeling  a bit unwell over the last several weeks. I think, however, that is starting to improve. I just am a bit disappointed that it took sleeping all morning yesterday and going to bed early last night to make it where I wasn't a zombie this morning. I am pleased, however, that the nightmares that had been problems for the last month and a half seem to have abated. Perhaps this aggressive push with my therapy related journal writing is helping me after all.

Right now, I'm not sure what I should write. I feel like I should be posting something more cheerful but I am honestly at a loss for words. Life has not been exactly cheerful. It has been just more of the same exhausting tedium every day. I don't know how much of that is influenced by my depressed mood state and how much is just the case of life being humdrum boring. I see people posting happy, cheerful things on their blogs and on Facebook and I wonder what I'm missing.

Of course, Facebook is a bit of a problem for me right now too. I appreciate and support people who are striving to raise awareness about their respective causes. I have reached a point, however, where seeing more images of police brutality, domestic violence, and animal cruelty is leaving me anxious and feeling somewhat triggered. (Yay, PTSD! /sarcasm) As Facebook has been my primary social interface of late, I'm reluctant to step away from it because my social interactions are heavily limited outside of the internet.

I'm not sure what to do to build my off-line presence. In my local area, there is a lot of stuff that goes on about the time that Beloved is due to get out of work. Much of it is stuff that I'm not interested in, but the few things that have caught my eye are usually enough out of the way that I would need the car. Never mind the fact that I would need someone to watch the kids. I was going to PEACE group at the church up the road for a while last spring. Then summer had them meeting at places that I couldn't get to and we fell out of the habit of attending.

I feel like there is no way for me to build relationships in my area. It is a very disheartening feeling. I suppose I could start going to one of the local churches but I am really uncomfortable with that idea. One, the churches around me are fairly conservative branches of Christianity and I really don't want to deal with the problems that would come from my pagan presence. Two, my ideology is very different from theirs and I feel like I would be inviting trouble to go when I am such of a radically different stance. Third, I don't want my children being indoctrinated into a faith that no one in the house practices and the mindset that is opposed to what Beloved and I believe. (He may be indifferent to religion, but his politics are as liberal as mine.)

I don't know what I'm going to do. I know that this weekend, my dear friends in Buffalo are celebrating Yule and I will be attending that. And the last Sunday of the month (the timing of which amuses me), a dear friend and her family in Rochester are celebrating Yule and I will be attending that. As for the rest, I think we'll be attending stuff with my side of the family and Beloved's parents next week. The kids and I will pay a flying visit to our friends up the road on Monday. Aside from that, we don't really have plans for the break.

I find myself a bit saddened that we just don't have the means to take a vacation because I would love to get away from this cold. I confess, I am a little envious of the folks who take vacations this time of year off to places like Florida or Phoenix where you're more concerned about sunburn rather then if you're wearing enough layers to stay warm. Ah well, we do what we can with what we have.

Saving a recipe from Facebook

Reportedly, this is a viking recipe.

Water
Chopped apple
Apple  leaves
Honey

Heat the apple pieces and leaves in water until boiling. Sweeten with honey and serve hot.

I'm going to try this (sans leaves) tomorrow as I am baking bread. I will report back if it is as tasty as it sounds in theory.

** Edited to Add **

I didn't have leaves but I did chop up and apple and throw it into a pot of water to boil. I think the next time I attempt this, I am going to use more apples because it was a really weakly flavored result with what I did. If I had cooking apples, I suspect it would have worked out better as well. So, my next attempt will be a ratio of 1:1 apples to water, where as I had used 1:2.

Getting ready for Yule.

Today, we decorated the Yule tree that Beloved's folks were so kind to give us. The kids were merrily singing Christmas carols with their aunt (who had stopped by after work just for this reason) as they decorated the tree. I pretty much spent my time holding the tree steady and handing people ornaments.

It was a pleasant afternoon. We baked cookies and sent my sister-in-law off with some when she left. I offered her some of the stew that I had made for dinner but apparently she had plans to eat out with her parents.

At school, the boys are getting progressively more excited for the holidays. They were thrilled with we got the tree yesterday (my father in law and my sister in law brought it over right when the boys got home from school). Baking cookies this afternoon had them talking about leaving some out for Odin. I think the biggest challenge will be keeping them from playing with the tree.

I have 90% of my Yule crafting done. I've got a train to make for Snuggle Bug and I'm going to whip together a few fancy towel toppers for my aunt and uncle. I don't know what I'm going to do for my brothers or my parents. I'm leaning towards making a dozen cookies for each and calling it done. For my eldest niece, I am going to give her some jewelery. I don't have the time to make her another hat and I honestly think she may be getting tired of handmade things. I might make the jewelery myself or I may find something in the hoard of stuff that I have left from when I was attempting to set up a business on Etsy.

Last week, I officially threw in the towel on that endeavor. I realized that I just didn't have the bandwidth to do that and get started with taking my writing as a career. It was either do both things poorly or sacrifice one to do the other well. As writing is my passion, the choice was naturally the Etsy shop. It may happen that some point down the road I will attempt it again. I may even attempt that Keen stuff again next year. (Social phobia has pretty much made that a no-go.)

Right now, I'm just focusing on getting through the holidays with as much grace as I can manage, even though I haven't been feeling particularly festive. I'm still feeling the loss of my grandfather. It is hard to believe that this will be the second Christmas with out him. If we can manage not to have anyone sick over the holiday, then we might make it to both my side of the family and Beloved's side of the family gatherings on Christmas day. Some of my pagan friends are planning celebrations for Yule. I want to go to that, but I'm not sure which one will fit into the schedule.

It seems to be the case with so much stuff right now. It is part of the reason why I don't exactly enjoy the holidays. It's always so busy that I feel like I can't breathe. And there feels like there is so much pressure to give just the right gift, always wear a happy face, and make other people happy. It is exhausting. Ah well, it only comes once a year, so I suppose there is that small mercy.

Earned my cup of tea!

Like the nice lady in the picture to the right, I have earned myself a cup of tea. While my mug may not be as big as hers, I am just as enthusiastic about having it. Last week, when I was grocery shopping, I bought a package of loose leaf tea. I've been making my own 'tea pods' to use in the Senseo coffee maker. Making my own pods means I can use different coffee and loose leaf tea in the Senseo. It's something I've been really enjoying.

November was a very busy month for me. I was doing National Novel Writing Month. Granted, I have written novels in other months, NaNoWriMo holds a special spot in my heart. It taught me that I can write a book in a month (One year, I manage to write two even!) and that I can produce quality work at that pace.

I started doing NaNoWriMo with Stargazer a few years after I had graduated from college. I was vaguely aware of National Blog Posting Month from Stargazer's regular updates to her Livejournal. When she mentioned NaNoWriMo, I decided to take the plunge. While she was writing Gundam Wing fanfiction, I set to work on writing the sixth version of the first book in my fantasy series. As I watched my word count numbers climb, I started getting excited. She started getting excited. It was a beautiful thing.

Now that NaNoWriMo is done, I'm taking a break from the fantasy series. So far this year, I have written three books in the series. While a part of me is itching to get to work on book six, I'm stepping away from it for a little while so that I can take a mental break from it. Now, I'm working on writing my memoirs and this is proving to be a lot more challenging then writing fiction. It strikes me as a rather contrary thing, to be honest. I don't have to do the work of creating a new world and people for it. All I am doing is recording my memories.

At the same time, this is a grueling process. Partly because I have a great deal of past trauma that I have wound up writing about. And partly because I am finding it difficult to express the 3d quality of the memories. As I am a bit of a masochist, I have decided to write this monster by hand. I started work on it on the first. As of today, I am about twelve pages in. My goal is to write three pages a day.

Honestly, I feel like it is a reasonable goal, even if life got in the way for a few days. At the same time, I am working hard on my writing in other areas of my life as well. I have resumed writing in my journal. Right now, all I can manage is one page in fifteen minutes. I feel woefully out of practice writing by hand. Still, I know that page count will go up as I get back into the swing of things. I have also resumed writing my 'morning pages' as suggested in the book The Artist's Way. I'm making my morning pages do double duty, as I am writing them in my therapy journal.

I have been letting several of my blogs languish for a while now. I want to get back to writing in them, so I am returning to my writing schedule that I had last spring. I recognize that I may not hit 100% on them, especially with the holidays going on and my finishing up my crafting work. It is, however, a goal that I want to accomplish by the end of the year. My thinking is, if I can write 50K+ in a month, I can parcel that out to different projects. It gives me the opportunity to work on different things and still keep a manuscript in the works.

I believe that I will save editing for a summer endeavor. As soon as I can manage to find the space, I will be hooking up my printer and printing off hard copies of my manuscripts. While editing on the computer is easier in some respects, I think that editing a printed copy is going to be more portable and user friendly when the kids are on break from school.

But, that is what's on my mind right now. I hope that you all are having a wonderful day. Enjoy your own cup of tea or coffee or whatever beverage strikes your fancy. I think you've earned a few minutes to kick back and relax too. :)