So, where HAVE I been?

 Essentially, for the last year I have been stuck in a major depressive episode. I could barely function. Typically my mental state is mildly depressed. You live through enough garbage and, I have to admit, it haunts you. Thankfully, I did not hit the point where I was hallucinating or actively suicidal. But it was really hard. 

Now that I've hit the other end of that tunnel and discovered the light is an exit instead of an oncoming train, I'm trying to get back to how things were before it began. It did leave wreckage behind. I have friendships that I need to reestablish and rebuild because I went radio silent for so long. I have business connections to reestablish and hopefully move forward with the projects I had going with them. My home is a disaster because depressed Deb is a shitty housekeeper and the kids do the bare minimum to help. (That's mighty vexing on it's own.)

I have come to the conclusion that I need to find a counselor again. It is going to be hard because I have so much trauma and baggage to work through. It is painful but I can't keep doing this work on my own. I've done it on my own (with the pharmaceutical side handled by an excellent and compassionate doctor). It's been almost seven years since I have seen a therapist. I am a little gun shy about the prospect with how 2011 went. (To say it was a fucking disaster is like saying the sun is kinda warm.)

Heh, shufflemancy strikes again: Natural Blues just started playing on my rando playlist. I get quiet and withdraw because I was taught when I was younger that showing pain or any socially unpleasant response to anything was dangerous. It carried forward with other life experiences reinforcing this mind-control bullshit lesson from my parents. (Have I mentioned that I may be crazy but they're nuts?)

My tarot reading business on Keen went to hell in a handbasket because the new owners got greedy. When the overhead of running a business is over 50% of your net income and you still have to pay taxes on the gross income, you are not going to last very long. I'm still pissed about that. I enjoyed the platform. I enjoyed most of the people I came into contact with. But I am one of the readers that was basically forced out of it because they've been recruting new readers (and charging them $200.00 to join, it was free to join back in 2007) and actively engaging in shenanigans that put the onus on the long term readers to pay for the platform upgrades (which we didn't get any tech support for) and similar bullshit. Thus, I permanently am leaving the organization and feeling bad that I am disabled. Because Keen was a way that I brought a little income into the household and felt useful. (Yes, this is due to more mindfuckery from my parents, who told me that I was only valuable for what I could do and how much money I made. I had zero value as a person in that household.)