It's been a challenging few days. I started doing the work of therapy journaling this purality stuff. It's been hard and creepy. When I talked to my psychiatrist about this, he was completely unsurprised by what I had said and gave me some suggestions on what I can do to start finding equilibrium with all this. I haven't begun looking into books yet. I'm still working out this journal stuff. I picked up a set of twenty four colored pens to use. I've got more than six colors in play right now. It's making me a little nervous.
Not everyone is 'talking' to me right now. This is my second attempt at this type of journaling. During my first attempt, it was more like having a conversation with strangers on paper. There was introductions and such. This time, I'm just basically writing whatever comes up. There's at least two insiders (I guess that's what some folks call 'em, I don't know what the right language is for this.) who are angry with me and each other.
One is young. The age fluctuates but never hits over thirteen. I suspect that this one is actually a pair answering to the same name for safety purposes. Generally, pleasant child but very anxious. She's also quite angry that I haven't let her make artwork or do stuff like coloring books. I am doing my best to make time for that now but it's hard. Tuesday mornings are her time for art stuff now. That seemed to mollify her upset with me. But then there's the anger that is directed at the other insider. I don't know how to manage that.
The other insider is an adult. A very angry and bitter woman of forty. She's furious with me for apparently using her abilities and not giving her proper credit, among other things. She hasn't stepped out as a spokesperson for the rest. But boy is she angry on their behalf. I literally spent two hours going back and forth with this insider. She wants me to commit to the journal work and to acknowledge the others. She wants writing time under her own name. (No, her name is not Brythwen,) She wants me to give her a place to do public writing, like a blog.
We're still in the negotiation phase on that one. Partly because I can't manage more blogs. Partly because this business has be sufficiently incapacitated at times that I can't write because my head is so full of noise. She wants to make herself known here but I'm not ready for that exposure. I don't know what she has going on and I want to make sure that it's something that's not going to be a problem. Like I said, negotiation is happening.
There are two others who have been making their presence known but weren't as emotionally charged today. They are adult women as well. I can't determine what their ages are but that's never come up in our conversations over the last few days. One is a warrior with a whole world of her own. The other is a priestess with another world of her own. It's weird to have this going on but it's been like this my whole life. I've just been keeping it under my hat and desperately trying to be 'normal'. And they have come out at different times in my life and masqueraded as me to handle whatever situation was going on.
That's why people remember actions or conversations had that I don't. Because I was not in charge when it happened. When these insiders of mine come up to the surface, things get remembered and I have an easier time with different things. It's been strange to me but as Beloved has said, there's never been any indication of these insiders having malicious intent nor have they demonstrated a major change in my behavior. It's all been real subtle.
I have a feeling as I work on this, that's going to change. A few nights ago, the child came forward looking for reassurance and I got bumped to the 'backseat' so that I was aware of this exchange with Beloved. I think that the child/children came out before in the past. I just hope that it's not going to be a thing where it interferes with my ability to take care of my responsibilities and be an adequate parent.
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