Monday Rant: Posted at the writing blog.

 So, I did my free writing exercise and it turned into a rant. Here's the link. 

https://evandarstories.blogspot.com/2021/11/aw-morning-pages-no-88.html

TL : DR - Fuck the holiday season.

Friday Life Hack: Gift Edition.

 So, we're coming up on the season of inundating people with things. We've got cookies to make, pies to bake, and C'thulu to wake (because somebody's gotta do something about the way things have gone down hill around my neck of the woods, people are just getting down right impolite and ugly about things).

Seriously, if you're someone who is hard to shop for (like myself) you probably get the deer in the headlights look when someone asks you what you want for [insert holiday/gift giving occasion]. What's even worse, however, is leaving people to just guess. Because then gods only know what is going to arrive and if there's a single thing you can do with it. 

Stop and take a moment before someone ambushes you with the big gift question. Come up with a handful of ideas based off of your hobbies and interests. Your list need not be exhaustive. It can also include the unconventional gifts of donations to charity in your name, random acts of kindness in your name, or some other form of giving to others on your behalf. People may think it a little odd that you're asking them to give to someone else on your behalf. Don't worry about it. A year or two of making that 'odd' request, they'll get used to it.

Monday Rant: What's wrong with being Chaotic Good?

 I make people uncomfortable by doing nice things for them. I don't understand it. Somewhere along the way, the practice of random acts of kindness started getting frowned on if they didn't meet a specific standard (usually some WASP suburbanite vision of it ala buying coffee for the next car in line). When I was in labor with my second son, I had brought with me a crafting project to keep me distracted. I overheard a mother in the next bed over (we were all waiting our turn for our c-section delivery) who was very distressed about being a single mother and her lack of goods for taking care of the baby. I asked the nurse if I could give that woman the baby blanket that I had finished, explaining that the entire thing was made from a hypoallergenic yarn and machine washable. The nurse was confused but said it was ok, as long as I stayed in my bed. My solution was to hand the blanket to the nurse to give the woman (which made the nurse visibly uncomfortable). The other mother started crying when she received the blanket.

I told this story to someone I knew and they got offended. I was chastised for making the woman cry when her situation was so bad. I pointed out that I had given her something that was going to help and they proceeded to defame this mother claiming that they were likely a 'welfare queen'. It took a great deal of restraint not to punch them in the face when they started talking smack about this poor woman who was in a hard spot that they knew nothing about.

This isn't the first time I've been told that my random acts of kindness and charity are 'wrong' because I'm giving to the 'wrong' people. Apparently, you're only allowed to give to the poor if you're part of an organization (preferably run by a church that you're a member in good standing), you're only allowed to give money to charitable organizations instead of directly to the people in need, and if you're making things to give away it has to be to charitable organizations instead of to people directly, because the people might sell it.

The general attitude that my acts of kindness and charity to others is going to enable some kind of nefarious behavior on the part of the people who are in need is bullshit. But I run into it a lot around these parts. There's always the assumption that the poor are going to use cash to get drugs or alcohol. There's the attitude that you've been conned out of your money if you pay for an impoverished person's lunch. And this vacillating sense of virtue signaling on if you're giving to a charity. If the charity is one that is considered virtuous based on their public image, you're a bad person for not giving to them when you choose someone else. (I'm looking at you, Salvation Army and your anti-LGBT+ bullshit.) I hate the default assumption that if a charitable organization is nominally associated with Christianity, that means they're better than the other organizations.

I tend to skip the organizations for the most part and just give to people in need as I meet them. Things tend to find me that people are in need of and I pass them along instead of insisting on charging a buck. The only organization that I work with is the spinning guild because they're well vetted and have a good set of contacts for distributing goods to the people who need it. I also picked to do so because they're secular. I know that nobody is going to be getting pressured to convert to anything in order to get what they need to be ok.

But this cultural attitude that all poor people of bad moral character and that by helping them I am enabling them to do nebulous, nefarious things makes me furious. If the homeless person I gave a scarf to decides to sell it, obviously they needed the cash more than the scarf, so it still helped them. When I give things away, they're no longer mine to dictate what happens to them. The same is true about any act of charity. You give it away, it's not yours anymore and you don't get to say boo about what people do with it. Don't like it, don't give it away.

Chaotic good for life. To Hel with the haters.

Fiber fluff update on hold this week.

 I'd love to describe my latest creations to you but I haven't been working on anything over the last little while. I'm struggling with some really rough feelings right now and my heart isn't in playing with yarn. This isn't grief from my maternal grandfather's death finally catching up with me (though some would have possibly theorized that since he died on the first). I'm actually perfectly fine with the fact that he's dead and I say good riddance to that man because he was a bully and an abuser. He and I weren't close and I know that he would have disapproved of my entire lifestyle. So, fuck that noise.

No, what's got me in a bit of a tizzy is the fact that C- is out of prison. He's on parole which means that he's being monitored. It still doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid that he's going to come looking for me, harass me, and/or do some kind of harm. I don't live down in Wellsville anymore. I don't think anyone lives in that building now, if the family even owns it still. That'd be the place he'd look for me because that was where I lived when he was in my life.

But, there's these websites that let you look up people and they give phone numbers, addresses, and a list of people connected to them. I found my information up on one of those sites and I nuked it. This was shortly after some idiot in Texas tried to steal my identity. (I then put my credit on freeze and started looking up my information so that I could make it go away.) I know there are other sites that have my information up there. I'm afraid of him using that to come find me. I tell myself it's an irrational fear.

Then again, C- has started roaming around in neighborhoods where one of his former girlfriends have lived, presumably looking for them. I got a panicked message from her and she explained that she didn't know what to do. I told her what my plan was if he showed up on my doorstep intending to harm me or my family - cast iron frying pan to the face at full force. 

The last time I had interaction with C-, he was attempting to wrestle me down into submission so that he could have his way with me. I managed to get my arms free and told him to stop or I'd break his neck. He laughed and said I didn't know how. It was one of the few things I remember Sensei teaching us in the self-defense class with crystal clarity. I positioned my hands and arms so that if I had to, I could. C-'s face went white and he scrambled off of me in a hurry. He made a point of leaving the premises damn quick after that.

My getting involved with C- was a mistake. C- played a game and figured out the buttons to push to make me dissociate. It made that relationship difficult and confusing because it really fucked with my memory and mental state. Beloved was concerned and encouraged me to start seeing a therapist. We figured that my c-ptsd from being in an abusive relationship in the past was acting up again. When C- was out of the picture, my memory and my mental state improved.

It's made me a bit gunshy about polyamory with incarnate people. I worry that it'll be a repeat of what happened with C-, but with even worse consequences because Beloved and I are married and have kids now. Life's changed a lot since 2003-2004. Unfortunately, I am still on some level afraid of C-. It's made the last few days difficult.

Monday Menu is in the Past, Monday Rants are the Future!

 I don't really have much to rant about at the moment except puberty. My kids went from cheerful morning people to surly, half feral young men. This morning was a challenge. One insisted he didn't need to get out of bed until the last minute and was about to wear dirty clothes to school because "they don't smell dirty." The other was making sniping comments at his brother about how he was going to make them late for the bus from the moment he got out of bed until (probably) the moment they got on the bus.

Breakfast was met with suspicion. I was serving them what's previously been a favorite breakfast item. Today, they looked at it as if I was trying to poison them. Then came the aggravation of trying to get them to take allergy medication. It wasn't as awful as it could have been, but that suspicious reaction as if I was trying to feed them arsenic was there. It was exasperating to say the least.

Oh, and the son who was ranting that his brother was going to make them late for the bus insisted he didn't have time to brush his hair for a full half hour because he had to rearrange his army figures for the battle he was planning for in the afternoon. And the kids wonder why I have white showing up in my hair.

It'd be a little easier if they didn't argue quite so much. I don't understand it. They start arguing as soon as they're both awake and continue until they're out the door. And half the time, one of them comes in to announce that the other has called them an insult as soon as they're outside. It makes me think I need something stronger than coffee to keep up with these two.

Oh, one other quick note: how the hell did my son grow about four inches in the course of three months? I swear those pants fit him at the beginning of the school year. Now he looks like he's wearing cut-offs or something. And his brother is hording all of his old clothes but can't tell which pants fits him properly so it's a completely random game of "Will it Fit?" every morning. I sense that they're going to be getting clothes in the near to immediate future.

If they keep annoying me, they're getting socks and underwear for Yule. *rolls eyes*

Fiber fluff update

 Well, I had a bag of mostly felted fiber that I just gave up on and threw out. I felt like I was wasting precious resources when I did so but there was no hope for it. The least felted bits of it, I managed to spin some really slubby yarn out of it. I don't like it and I don't know what I'm going to do with it. There's not enough to make something big. I am debating the possibility of something like fingerless gloves. I just don't know if there's enough there for even that. I really didn't get much yarn out of it, though I did accomplish the heavier weight I was trying to spin with it.

I finished spinning the cotton-candy purple merino that I dyed and carded myself. My mother in law has a drum carder. I used it for the first time to card that stuff. It was an interesting experience. It again came out as a slubby yarn. I don't particularly like slubby yarns because I find them difficult to work with. That said, It still looks like cotton candy. I have to wet it and hang it. I'll probably do that while we still have the decent weather. I know that I overspun it. It's an uneven, slubby yarn but it was not only my first attempt at using a drum carder but my first project using a ring-distaff. I think I like the ring distaff for the mini-batts of fiber that you get off of a drum carder. I tried using it with pencil roving and it was an unmitigated disaster.

The alpaca pencil roving that I was working on is sitting in the bag. I have about a quarter of the first ball spun. I am going to spin the rest of that ball on the super cheap drop spindle that I started on. It may have been super cheap and it's lacking ornamentation of any sort, but it works ok and I think I might be able to fit the entire ball of pencil roving on it. The second ball of pencil roving (which is about the same size) is going to be spun on my kick-wheel. That probably won't be happening until after the holidays.

The baby hat project is up to 35 hats. I don't think I'm going to make my goal of 50 hats by the end of the year despite the fact they're preemie hats. When people tell you these hats work up in 15 minutes a piece, they lie. I finished off the really obnoxious ball of yarn that was making each stitch a different color because of how they dyed it and I had to use stitch markers to tell where I was in the process of making the damn hat. The current ball of yarn isn't half as bad. The color runs are longer so it works up like stripes and it's a lot easier to see where the increases are.

I'm stalled on my neon pink wingspan shawl. I've just been too busy with other stuff, like being sick for two and a half weeks. I'm working on trying to get caught up on a bunch of things. I am probably going to be working on that shawl in December or January at this rate.

Yay a new couch is coming.

 It's a convoluted story but our beaten to hell and back couch is getting replaced soon. Beloved is pleased. He's got a plan for how to dispose of the old one. All I have to do is make space for it. This, on the surface, isn't a problem. Except for there's one hitch in the process. There's a plastic set of shelves that we've been using as an end table for a long time. It's got to be moved and I have no idea where to put it. I have forgotten everything that was inside of it. I think it's a bunch of computer related stuff for an old computer that we no longer have. And I simply can't figure out for the life of me where I'm going to put that blasted thing. I have a bad feeling that I need to massively rearrange the project room and sneak it in there. Some how.