I'm on a cocktail of medications that do a pretty good job of knocking me out when its bed time. Some of them wear off around 4 am. That's when the nightmares have been hitting me for the last few weeks. I didn't really get that I was having nightmares because I wasn't quite fully awake at 4 am. But last night was awful. I got to relive verbal abuse and harassment in full detail. I got to relive gaslighting. It was awful. I woke up so upset that I had to walk around my home to reassure myself that my waking reality was real.
All day today, I have felt disconnected from reality. It doesn't help that my blood sugar is out of whack. It doesn't help that I am exhausted. But the persistent low level dissociation that makes things feel unreal is really maddening. The worry that I am actually 16 and cowering in my room for fear of my parents' wrath and that this life I have is fantasy just won't go away. I confess, I used checking my blood as a way to focus myself on the present via the pain of the finger stick. It didn't work for very long. I just want to sleep. But if I sleep, I will have nightmares (daymares?) and sleep poorly.
Every time a vehicle pulls up in the drive way, I look out, afraid that I'll see my parents getting out of it and coming to drag me back to the farm. I have music playing fairly loud right now in an attempt to drown out the racing thoughts of anxiety. I don't know what made last night and today so bad. But I am in a state and struggling to get a handle on it before the kids get home from school.
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