"You're so brave." Not for that reason.

Dear Anonymous Women of the Internet,

Stop telling me that I'm brave because:

• I have facial hair.
• I have natural eyebrows.
• I don't squeeze myself into a girdle or similar torture devices.
• I have grey hair at a relatively young age.
• I am disabled.
• I am parenting children with special educational needs.

That's all bullshit to make yourself feel good about patronizing me and anyone else in this situation. Here's a check list for you to use when you consider telling me that I am brave:

1. Would you say it to a man for the same reason?
2. Is it because YOU are uncomfortable with me?
3. Is it because you are uncomfortable with MY CHILDREN's existence?

I'm sick and tired of people telling me that I'm brave for bullshit reasons. I'm 41,  over weight with diabetes, a disability due to mental illness, and absolutely zero tolerance for this patronizing prating. If you think I'm brave because of the fact that I simply exist, you deserve a kick in the goddamn teeth. I know there's people who are going to say, "But, Deb, that's a person who is being NICE to you." or "But, Deb, that's a COMPLIMENT." I'm sorry to say but telling someone that they're brave for existing is the subtlest form of undermining you can find in town.

It implies that my existence is threatened. It implies that I am some how a wretched being that requires you to stoop and commend me for the minimum effort that it takes to exchange oxygen into carbon dioxide. It tells me that there's something wrong with the fact that I have facial hair and a little extra weight. It tells me that my features are hideous in some fashion and they must be complemented in the same manner that one leaves offerings out for the fey, lest such horrors unimaginable might be visited upon you. (PROTIP: Natural hair isn't hideous. Society's policing of our bodies is what's hideous. Burn your fashion magazines and your hatred of your body on that pyre.)

It tells me that my children are freaks of nature and that I am burdened with raising them. I'm going to be as direct as I was in the above paragraph, if you think that I am suffering or that my children are suffering because we don't fit your idea of neurotypical, you can fuck yourself with a cactus. I suffer in ways that I talk about due to my disability but that doesn't make me unique. I'm a pretty typical case of a person with c-ptsd and bipolar II. It's reassuring that my psychiatrist says that my symptoms and experiences are normal for someone with these conditions. Equally reassuring is my family doctor's handling of my diabetes and telling me that my experiences are normal. And just as reassuring is my gynecologist's declaration that my experiences are normal with having poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. There's nothing especially heroic about my experiences here. 

As for my kids, they're suffering with the beginning of puberty. They're dealing with the challenges of learning complex mathematics (which they hate) and navigating the changing waters of life in school where the social situation turns on a dime and even the most neurotypical child will have a hard time. Their Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis is just as much a part of them as my facial hair is a part of me. Your praise on their existence is equally patronizing and poisonous.

You want to praise someone for being brave, do it when they did something that you know was hard for them, even if it is easy for you. You want to praise some one for being selfless and charitable, do it when they're actually being that way instead of fulfilling their obligations. And if it isn't something you'd walk up to a man and say "Wow, you're brave for [thing]!" don't say it to a woman. About 85% of those "You're so brave about [thing]." comments revolve around the idea of women daring to be themselves. What in flaming fucking hell is wrong with my being my vulgar, dark humored, and sarcastic self? If it's all right for a man to be vulgar, dark humored, and sarcastic, then it's fine for me.

I'm not brave because I flaunt YOUR standards. I'm brave because I survived some horrific shit. I'm brave because I fight people who try to keep my kids down when I walk into IEP meetings. (Those administrators get uneasy when my name shows up on the list for the meeting and I can see them sweat when I walk in wearing anything from sweats to a power suit, because they know I am like a bull dog and I won't give them an inch with out making them fight for it. If you're in an IEP meeting and don't understand wtf they're talking about, demand they explain it. They hate doing it, but if you're vocal and make them explain what they're talking about and planning, you can better advocate for your kids.)

So, as I was saying at the beginning, if you're telling me that I'm brave because I have facial hair, go have an intimate date with a cactus. You don't know who you're talking to and you don't know what the hell you're saying when you spew that garbage.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If you made it this far and you are one of the people who genuinely know me. You know that I'm not squaring off with you. It's the random asshats who decide to tell me that I look so pretty "despite" my facial hair. Especially when they decide they're going to attempt to reach out and touch it, like I'm some kind of exotic specimen. No one's made contact yet, my glare has kept the hands at bay. But if it happens, someone might be the reason I have to clean my rings out with a toothbrush.